A/N: A million thanks to Mizvoy for the speedy and detailed editing... you are a star and I couldn't do all this without you. And many thanks to Vestal Virgin for the story brainstorming help. This story is my Christmas gift to all my fellow VAMBies! Merry Christmas!

FINDING CHRISTMAS

By KJaneway115

PROLOGUE

December 24, 2403

The street bustled with activity. Shoppers carrying multiple packages hurried down the sidewalk, popping into one last store to buy one last gift for little Johnny or little Susie, or whoever had been a good boy or girl that year. The sounds of carols wafted onto the sidewalk, and the smells of roasted chestnuts and hot mulled cider permeated the air.

"Excuse me," said Admiral Kathryn Janeway as she tried to make her way through a crowd gathered on the street.

"Oh, I'm sorry," replied an elderly Bolian as he made room for her to pass. "Merry Christmas!"

"Thanks," she replied brusquely, and hurried past. She did not stop to buy peppermint hot cocoa, nor was she carrying any parcels. She did not pause to listen to the children's choir singing carols in the park, nor respond to the jolly fellow who called after her, "Only a few more trees left, ma'am! Do you have your Christmas tree yet?"

Christmas, she thought. What a silly, antiquated tradition. It was based on a religious story that no longer had a place in her scientific mind. She felt a minor annoyance that it caused her walk home through one of San Francisco's shopping districts to be so crowded with people. She turned down her own quiet street and breathed a sigh of relief. She could now walk the remaining blocks to her home without having to fight through crowds. Many of the buildings on her street were adorned with colored lights and holiday decorations. What a waste of time, she thought. There were decorated Christmas trees illuminated in several of her neighbors' windows, but she walked past them quickly, anxious to get home after a long day at work.

"Katie!" she heard a small voice cry out, and Kathryn stopped. "Katie, it's this way to Flotter's enchanted forest."

She looked around, trying to understand where the small voice was coming from, and she then saw a young girl standing in the front yard of one of the houses on her street. The girl looked like she was around five years old, with dark hair in pigtails. A moment later, young Katie appeared, the older sister, apparently. "That's not the way, Samantha," she said. "Come on, follow me. Before we can reach the enchanted forest, we have to go through the Dungeons of Doom!" The older girl led her sister to the side of the house where there was a stone path. The two girls crept along the path, and their voices faded until all Kathryn could hear was giggles.

Until she'd heard the younger sister's name, Kathryn had almost been transported back to a time when she and Phoebe had played pretend in their yard. Of course, the San Francisco townhouse was nothing like the big Indiana farmhouse where she'd grown up, and San Francisco was nothing like Bloomington, Indiana. Still, something was familiar about the lighted windows, the decorated Christmas tree, the mantle adorned with pine garland and the sound of the girls playing in the yard. It made Kathryn long for a simpler time, a time when she hadn't been able to wait for Christmas, and the tree and the decorations had meant endless excitement and joy.

The door of the house opened and a woman surveyed the yard. "Katie, Samantha, dinner time!" she called. Kathryn turned back to the sidewalk, not wanting the woman to think she was behaving strangely. She glanced back at the house in time to see the girls run into their mother's arms, laughing and hugging her as she ushered them inside.

Kathryn turned away, focusing on the sidewalk and not stopping again until she reached her apartment building, two blocks down. It was a modern high rise, and her apartment overlooked the city, the Golden Gate Bridge and Starfleet Headquarters. She hung her coat on the peg by the door and kicked off her boots. She ordered a meal from the replicator, and then sat down at her kitchen table to eat, a PADD in hand. There were no signs of Christmas in her apartment - no decorations, no colorfully wrapped packages, no holiday cookies. The next day would be Christmas, but it would be just another day for Admiral Kathryn Janeway. For her, the only important party of the year had taken place four days earlier, on the ninth anniversary of Voyager's homecoming.

Each year, it became harder for her to attend the party with a smiling face. She had thought that the first year would be the hardest, seeing the crew together but not haveing him there. She'd thought, at the time, that it could never get more difficult than that first year, but she was wrong. Instead of getting easier with the passing of time, it seemed that each year, the holidays became more and more lonely. Her meal had lost its flavor, and she pushed the half-empty plate away. She walked to the window and looked up at the stars. "Nine years," she whispered. "Nine years without you. I once told you I couldn't imagine even a day…"

Her mother had passed away, and Phoebe had moved to be near her husband's family, several days' journey from Earth. Kathryn had been invited to spend Christmas with them several times, but she always begged off with an excuse, usually work. She preferred to ignore the holidays altogether. The memories were too painful. Sometimes, she thought that the worst memories were the happy ones. She couldn't bear to remember the good times, good times that were gone and would never come again.

During her twenty-three years in the Delta Quadrant, she had wondered whether there was a limit to the pain one person could bear. She had learned since that there wasn't. It was a testament to the strength of the human spirit, how much one could hurt and still go on. But sometimes she wished that she hadn't been tested quite so much. She had survived, but when she took the time to examine the person she had become, she didn't like that person at all.

"You tried to save me, didn't you?" she asked, looking up at the stars again. "You tried to save me from myself, but I didn't listen. If only I could go back, Chakotay. If I only I could go back and make things different." She felt tears well up in her eyes, and she reached out to clutch the back of a nearby chair. "I don't want to spend one more Christmas like this." Her knuckles turned white as she clutched the back of the chair, and her tears fell onto her hands and the soft fabric.