Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 332: As the Landsmeet Turns

[SCENE: The LANDSMEET, shortly after ALISTAIR ruins EVERYTHING.]

ANORA: What. What. What.

BLAKE: You. You really did it this time. You stepped right in it, you unspeakable twit.

ALISTAIR: Oh no, what did I step in?! Was it blood? There's a lot back there from Loghain's corpse.

ANORA: What. What. What.

BLAKE: I didn't want him dead, you fuckwit! I was going to leverage his survival into a cushy political office and intense lesbian sex with the queen!

LELIANA: Vous know, it's kind of awful that you keep talking about ze infidelity in front of me.

BLAKE: You were gonna be invited too, jeez!

LELIANA: I'm not sure zat makes it better.

BLAKE: How does it not?!

EAMON: Can we please, please focus on politics again? You're embarrassing us in front of the nobles.

NOBLES: Actually, we're kind of having fun at this point. Though if you want to keep going for too much longer, we'll need to have lunch delivered.

BLAKE: No. No. We're done. Okay, Anora!

ANORA: What. What. What.

BLAKE: Snap out of it! I get your dad died, and that's rough, but he's been basically asking for it for the last 45 hours of gameplay. These things happen. You know what would make things better for you? Making me king.

MORRIGAN: Wouldn't you be a queen?

BLAKE: I'm trying to be polite to my future wife and not stepping all over her title. She's the queen, and I respect that. I'll be my own person, with my own career. And that career will be Supreme Tyrant.

ANORA: Okay, first of all, even if I did view you as a romantic option…

BLAKE: Bitch, please. You need to get laid so badly you're looking at that chair as a romantic option.

ANORA: I'm a little pent up, drop it. But the point is, even if I was willing to consider you as a person, there's some issues with considering you as a father to potential heirs, if you get my meaning.

BLAKE: [BLINKS a few times.] Wynne, is there some way for you to…

WYNNE: No.

BLAKE: Then why do I even tolerate you?!

WYNNE: You don't!

BLAKE: Morrigan, you know crazy magic, how about you?

MORRIGAN: Trust me, if I could turn you into a man, you'd already be one. Now my only option is Alistair. Gonna need to bathe in rubbing alcohol after that one.

BLAKE: … What? I was talking about like, artificial insemination.

MORRIGAN: … Yes, me too.

BLAKE: [SIGHS DEEPLY] So… so there's no way I can become Queen-King? You won't even slightly consider it? What if I gave you Oghren as a wedding present?! You can have Oghren!

ANORA: Your dwarf? Why would I even…

BLAKE: You could cut his head off and mount it above the fireplace as a conversation starter.

OGHREN: I am beautiful.

ANORA: Wow. Um. No. I do not… want. That.

OGHREN: [BELCHES] Tease.

BLAKE: Well that's great. That's just freakin' beautiful. My path to power is forever destroyed. Thanks, Alistair! You ass! You've ruined my life again and again and again and…

EAMON: Excuse me? If all you really want is to be queen, you could just put Alistair on the throne and then marry him. It would be for the best, really, he's the closest we have to a legitimate heir…

ANORA: Eamon! The shit?!

EAMON: You knew what this was between us, Anora. Just a barely-disguised political hate-boner, nothing more.

ANORA: … You bitch.

BLAKE: I… look, I appreciate the thought, Eamon, I do, but… but Alistair…? Marry… Alistair…?

ALISTAIR: Yeah, she can't marry me!

LELIANA: … Wait, wh… but vous have not stopped trying to… that…

ALISTAIR: Because we're already married! The ceremony was beautiful. I wish you could have all been there.

LELIANA: … … … Zat's more like it.

EAMON: Hm. Warden Blake, can you come over here and talk to me in private for a moment? I need to discuss something with you.

[EAMON leads BLAKE to a side room off the main hall, and closes the door behind them.]

EAMON: Now then. For the good of Ferelden and the right of all free peoples in this land, I must ask you, Lady Cousland… are you a moron?!

BLAKE: Explain yourself quickly, because I've got a murderin' knife and I use it at basically every opportunity.

EAMON: I know the rest of those people are morons! I raised Alistair, he's about as bright as a wet match in a dark cave. But I thought you knew what you were doing! Sure, not subtle, but at least you had goals! And now you're backing out at the finish line when you've almost won?!

BLAKE: How is marrying Alistair a victory.

EAMON: It's a victory because he's gullible and stupid. So you marry him, tell him you're… I don't know, allergic to sex or something, and then you go off and do whatever you want! Then I get him some hookers shipped in from Antiva or something, maybe import a baby if he turns out sterile. Nobody cares! It's royalty! As long as there is a child and they look right, nobody will ask any questions! And that leaves the king of Ferelden as a total moron who will do whatever we say, all our potential rivals dead or disgraced, and you and I can split absolute power over the entire kingdom.

BLAKE: … … … Okay, I think you might be growing on me.

EAMON: So what do you say, 'Your Majesty'? I think your future kingdom is waiting for you.

BLAKE: Hehehehehehe… HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

EAMON: That's more like it.

[The two RETURN to the LANDSMEET, brimming with new CONFIDENCE and some EVIL.]

BLAKE: Okay, we've decided on a path to the future that will leave everyone happy. Anora, you're exiled. Alistair, you're king but you still have to stay at least five feet away from me at all times. I'm queen. Leliana, you're my Royal Mistress.

EAMON: Fun trivia, that actually is an official government position ever since King Torian III, back in the Bacon Age. You get an office, a secretary, and five sovereigns a month payment.

ANORA, LELIANA, and ALISTAIR: …That doesn't make me happy at all!

ALISTAIR: You… you're making our perfect marriage sound like it's just a political arrangement!

LELIANA: I am not, 'ow you say, a whore!

ANORA: I'm literally just getting exiled!

BLAKE: Oh. Huh. Okay, I guess I should have said when it would make 'everyone' happy, I just meant me and my new Royal Grand Vizier Eamon.

EAMON: [Wearing JAFAR'S hat from ALADDIN.] I accept my new position with humble dignity.

THE LANDSMEET: Um, you do realize that the lords of Ferelden have to vote on this, right? You can't just declare it. We have to appoint a new king, and…

BLAKE: Three questions for you. One: Do any of you actually like Anora? Does anyone in her entire government?

THE LANDSMEET: … … … She makes fun of our facial hair every day.

ANORA: Oh, you all are bitches.

BLAKE: Two. Do any of you have any better ideas that we can implement before the demon dragon and his orcs overrun us all?

THE LANDSMEET: Well, no. We're politicians. We don't have ideas.

BLAKE: And three. [Draws her SWORD.] Do any of you want to leave this room alive?!

THE LANDSMEET: … … … All hail queen Blake!

BLAKE: That's what I thought. Bitches.

LELIANA: [sighs] Well. Not ideal, but I guess it could be vorse.

ALISTAIR: So… does this mean you and I are married now too?

LELIANA: Zo admittedly, I am not sure 'ow right zis second...

BLAKE: [Sits on the THRONE and kicks up her FEET] Anora, before they escort you to your new prison cell, which is going to be right next to your old prison cell for the sake of irony, I have to ask. Do you have a crown for me to wear now that I'm queen? I'm going to want a crown.

ANORA: I hate you.

BLAKE: Somebody, go make me a crown.

STEN: [COUGHS] I hesitate to ask because I fear I know the answer already, but have you forgotten about the Darkspawn?

BLAKE: Eh, we got time.

[SCENE: REDCLIFFE, where the combined armies of the FREE PEOPLES of THEDAS gather to oppose the HORDE.]

TEAGAN: … So how come only like eighty people people showed up?

ISOLDE: I am glad, for ve have only two guest rooms and a zingle pot for zoup, TEAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

TEAGAN: I'm not saying it isn't convenient for our larders, Isolde, just that I was rather expecting there to be a real army for fighting the darkspawn, and it seems like the Wardens basically gathered a large picnic group.

ISOLDE: Vell, as I oonderstand eet…

TEAGAN: Orlesian accents are so weird.

ISOLDE: … by ze ancient compacts, each race moost give to ze Grey Wardens ze force of men. But zere is not, 'ow you say a hard and fast limit on how many.

TEAGAN: Sometimes I think our world wants to be destroyed.

ISOLDE: TEEAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, you must not zay zuch zings! Surely, ve are safe inside our keep's might valls, und you shall march forse alongside my 'usband to victory just as zoon as she great heroes arrive from Denerim.

TEAGAN: Yes, yes, that must be true. I'm sure they're already en route with the aid we desperately need.

[SCENE: The THRONE ROOM of EMPRESS BLAKE I.]

ROYAL HERALD: Soooooo, we have word the Darkspawn are marching on Redcliffe like… now? We, uh, we proooooobably can't get there in time. Maybe if we leave right now, they won't all be dead?

BLAKE: Sorry, can't go outside without a crown.