Seven

"So it was really was Jack," Gwen murmured. "When he could have fired you, arrested you, Retconned you..."

"He saved me," said Ianto, his voice thick. "He went out there every day, and I'm not sure I'll ever really understand why. Because you're right about every one of those things, yet all he did was slip an ambiguous disciplinary note into my file and suspend me for a month."

Gwen opened her mouth to say something, stopped, then tried again, obviously curious yet uncomfortable. "Was that when you and him…when you first became, well, involved?"

Ianto held back a sigh, because it was a perfectly logical question to ask, and he couldn't fault her for it. She probably wanted to ask even more, given that he and Jack kept their relationship extremely private at work—except when Gwen had walked in on them, of course. Yet many of those questions were not ones he was willing to answer, because sometimes he couldn't answer them for himself.

"No, that didn't happen until well after I returned to work," Ianto said, and she looked surprised. When Jack had kissed after resurrecting from Abaddon, they'd obviously figured something was between them; once Jack had left, they'd naturally asked him about it, but he'd hadn't said anything, because Jack was gone and it was none of the team's business what they'd been up to before he'd left.

"Oh. Was Flat Holm a part of it, though?" she asked. He wasn't sure what she meant, and she clarified. "Is that when things changed between you? Because sometimes I think of everything you both said and did that night and…" She trailed off, aware that she'd said too much, even though it was something Ianto thought about himself, quite frequently. That two people who had hurt one another so badly, who had threatened each other with nothing short of death, should end up sleeping together was perhaps not unheard of, given the proverbial thin line between love and hate; that they had starting dating and even developed a closer relationship was sometimes still a mystery.

"We struggled with it," Ianto replied. "We still do, in some ways. But I learned what kind of man he really is during that month at Flat Holm, and how wrong I was to condemn him that night. So I suppose you could say that yes, in some ways, that's when things started to change."

"We don't give him enough credit, do we?" she asked after a long pause, her voice very quiet.

"At times, yes. But I hope you'll give him more now."

She glanced at him in surprise. "Is that why you told me all this?" she asked, sounding stunned.

"Of course," he replied. "You're the one who questions him, doubts him, challenges him the most." He held up his hand when she started to protest. "And sometimes that is a good thing. We need to make sure we're doing the right thing for the right reasons, that we've examined all our options and made the best decision. But what you need to understand is that Jack is always trying to do the right thing, and that he has far more experience making some of these really difficult decisions than you do. You need to have more faith in him, Gwen. You need to trust him. He's not trying to hurt people, because he would never do that, not on purpose."

She sighed and leaned against his shoulder. "I know. Or rather, I tell myself I know, but sometimes my own sense of right and wrong gets in the way of believing it. It's hard to understand why those people on the island have to stay there, why their families can't see them. But after seeing what Jonah goes through, what his mum went through, I'm starting to understand that even something so simple as a mother being with her son isn't as black and white as it should be."

"Nothing ever is, not in Torchwood," Ianto told her. "It's hard, but you won't survive if you can't live in the grey. Sometimes you have to accept the loss and sacrifice, otherwise you'll burn yourself out, Gwen."

"I know," she whispered, closing her eyes.

Ianto did not say anything else, feeling that his point was made, his mission accomplished. She'd need reminders, no doubt, but he hoped that she would take to heart what he had said. Pulling her close, he offered his silent support once more. For someone with Gwen's fiery spirit, living in the grey would be difficult. He had grown up understanding that sometimes things weren't always what they seemed, that not everyone was good, that bad things happened for no reason. He'd honed his cynicism at university and sharpened it to a point at Torchwood One, where they'd had to do difficult things for the right reasons.

It was yet another reason why he'd tried so hard to save Lisa: to take away something good from Torchwood One's fatal mistake. Perhaps it was why Jack had worked so hard to bring him back from the edge. And it was also why Ianto understood, probably better than any of them other than Jack, why sometimes sacrifices were necessary, even when they hurt. Gwen had been fighting that lesson since the beginning, and now perhaps she understood. He hoped so, as he didn't want to see her constantly fighting and continually losing the battle, as she inevitably would. And more than anything, he needed her to believe in Jack like he did. Because Jack needed her faith, not her constant doubt. He needed to be her hero, not her monster.

Ianto had learned during his time at Flat Holm that Jack was anything but a monster. Jack had come to the island every day and put Ianto back together again. Dr. Howell had helped, and Helen, and even some of the other residents, like Sam and Elise, but it had been Jack more than anything who had been there for Ianto. Who had listened, who had shared, who had laughed and even cried with him. Ianto began to heal, and while doing so, something between them changed at Flat Holm. It wasn't their sexual relationship, as Gwen had asked, but something more. A deeper understanding, and the beginning of a true friendship.

What had been hard was negotiating their new dynamic off the island, away from the small bubble where they could be open and honest. Back in the real world, masks slipped quickly into place without even thinking. Jack had still tried to support him, but he'd seemed equally as unsure of their relationship off the island as Ianto had felt from the moment he'd stepped into the Hub early one morning to find Jack frazzled and awake. He'd quickly taken to stopping at a local pub after work, finding some small relief in the normalcy of life there and the barmaid who quickly became his sounding board as the distance between him and Jack grew.

On top of readjusting to life away from Flat Holm and the unique rapport he'd developed with Jack there, Ianto had returned to work only to once again experience the worst of Torchwood: Jack sacrificing a young girl to the fairies in order to save the world, cannibals in the Brecon Beacons, threatening to eat him simply because they liked it. His newfound faith in life, and in Jack, had been severely shaken. Jack had told him to call if he'd ever felt like ending it, but he'd called Mandy instead when it had almost been too much to bear. She'd saved his life after Flat Holm as much as Jack had on the island.

Then he'd watched Jack ruthlessly kill the woman—the alien—Tosh had come to care about. It had been hard to reconcile that Jack with the one who had carefully and compassionately put him back together at Flat Holm, and it had been far too much like seeing Lisa killed all over again. Something within him had snapped; a terrible opportunity presented itself at the worst possible moment, and Ianto had almost done the unspeakable as he'd watched Jack tumble through the Rift in the cellar of the Ferret.

But he'd gone back. He'd realized as soon as he'd walked out, as soon as his mother had called, that she needed him, and that someone needed Jack. Tosh, for one, and Owen, and Gwen. And him, certainly him, though he'd tried to deny it for months. Even more importantly, Cardiff needed Jack. Ianto had known even then that Jack was the only one who could make the hard decisions none of them could make, particularly given Ianto's many failures. Jack didn't deserve whatever fate Ianto had consigned him to; he was meant to save the world, and so Ianto had gone back.

Jack had said several times that Ianto had saved him that night, but Ianto had also damned him, and knew he deserved none of Jack's gratitude. In fact, he often wondered why Jack had bothered with him after yet another betrayal: why he hadn't killed Ianto right then, or Retconned him out of Torchwood for good. That night had shown Ianto how little he deserved to be a part of Torchwood; yet in the end it had also made him more determined than ever to do right by it, and especially by Jack.

And so even when Jack had left them, he'd continued fighting, watching over the others, and over Flat Holm. When Jack had returned and some of the things he'd kept secret for so long, it all made so much sense that Ianto knew he'd made the right choice: to continue with Torchwood, with his unwavering loyalty to Jack. Letting Jack back into his personal life and his bed had been much harder; trust had been difficult to exchange again, complicated by the very real fear of being hurt. Not a day didn't go by where Ianto wondered when the mirage with wink out, and he'd be alone again. He cared too much to move on. His life was Torchwood now, and Jack, and though it would be the end of him one day, he tried to live it honestly and with integrity.

Beside him, Gwen sighed and patted his leg. "You're a remarkable man, Ianto Jones," she said. She kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for sharing so much of yourself."

"You're welcome," he replied, standing with her. "Maybe make sure it doesn't go to waste?"

"I won't," she said. "I think understand what you're trying to do. For me, and especially for Jack. Thank you."

She hugged him once more, and he untangled himself with a laugh. "Go on, go home to Rhys. Let him take care of you a bit now, too."

"Two gorgeous Welshman pampering me in one day?" she laughed. "I'm the luckiest girl in Cardiff!"

"Did someone say pampering?" asked a voice from nearby. "Because I could really go for some of that."

Jack came up the stairs from the basement, surprising them both. Ianto had assumed Jack was out, standing on one of his rooftops as he gazed out over the city. He was wearing his coat, though why he had been wearing it in the basement wasn't exactly clear.

"That is definitely my cue to leave!" laughed Gwen. She turned to Ianto and saw the look of uncertainty on his face. "If you're sure you'll be all right?" she asked quietly. He forced a smile for her.

"Of course," he said. "I'll be fine."

She patted his arm. "Call if you need anything, okay?"

He shook his head and pulled her into another hug. "I thought I was the one comforting you?" he murmured into her ear, then pushed her away. "I'll be all right, and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thank you," she whispered, before turning away. She had to walk past Jack and stopped for a moment in front of him, studying him silently before throwing her arms around his neck. Ianto saw her whisper something in his ear. From the surprised look on Jack's face, he half wondered if it was some sort of threat, and if she had learned anything at all. Then Jack laughed softly and turned her toward the door, and with one last wave at them both, she left.

Ianto sank onto the sofa again. Leaning against the back, he closed his eyes to center himself before talking to Jack. It had been difficult sharing so much with Gwen, and he needed to find his equilibrium before facing Jack and the consequences of his actions in revealing Flat Holm.

He felt the sofa sink next to him and opened his eyes to find Jack mirroring his position, coat thrown haphazardly over a chair, blue eyes gazing out at the Hub. "Good talk with Gwen?"

Ianto considered his response. "I thought she needed some context for some of the things that happened today."

Jack turned to look at him. "So you told her about your experience there."

Ianto sighed and looked away. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough." Jack reached out and took his hand, clasping their fingers together on his knee. "It can't have been easy."

"I think she needed to understand why it's important, what it can do for people."

"Because it saved you," Jack said, though it was more of a question. Ianto smiled to himself, still unable to look at Jack.

"You saved me," he whispered.

Jack's other hand came to his chin, turned Ianto's face toward him. "I wanted to save you," he said. "I didn't want to lose you to your demons, or to mine, and certainly not to Torchwood. Too many people died that day in London. I didn't want you to be another."

"Jack—"

"Because you were worth saving, Ianto, more than anyone I've ever met."

Ianto pulled away and glanced around the Hub, his heart beating fast. "I don't know if I ever thanked you."

"You don't have to," said Jack. "Just keep on living."

Ianto laughed nervously. "I try my best, sir."

Jack squeezed his hand, a gentle reprimand on the formality. "Good, because I want you here with me, for as long as I can have you. You may not think so, but you matter to me. You did then, and you do now, more than ever. You are worth everything, Ianto."

He swallowed thickly. "But I'm not," he whispered, his voice breaking. "Because I did it again, I betrayed you. You didn't want her to know, but I told her anyway. I'm not worth it."

Jack was silent for a moment. "Why did you tell her?" he asked.

"Because it would have destroyed you both, and possibly the team." Ianto took a breath. "And because she needed to know. I realize you wanted to protect her from it, from the hopelessness and fear, from everything that is dark and terrible about Torchwood. And I can respect that. Only she wouldn't accept your word to leave it, and I can't respect that. She needed to understand why you do what you do. She only thinks about herself, sometimes, and what she believes is right. She doesn't trust us, or you, and that's not right."

"I heard what you told her," Jack said softly, and now his voice sounded rough. "About me."

"And I'll keep reminding her, every day if I have to," Ianto replied defensively. "I'm tired of her pushing you, Jack. Of doubting and questioning all of us, but especially you. You are our commanding officer, and she needs to understand that you earned it the hard way. That you know what you're doing."

Jack shook his head and leaned his head back. "No, I really don't."

Ianto thought about the many things he could say, that he wanted to say, but there was only one he could voice. "You did at Flat Holm. With me."

Jack turned toward him. "Oh, Ianto, I still don't know what I'm doing with you." He tried to sound light-hearted, but Ianto heard underlying sadness. And he felt it, too, the uncertainty they lived with day to day, so he parried back with equal nonchalance.

"I could always think of something," he said, smiling at Jack, who returned the smile and leaned closer.

"Is that all you think about now?"

"Now?" said Ianto. "Who said I wasn't always like this?"

Jack kissed him, quick and light. "Don't ever change, okay?"

"Wasn't planning on it," Ianto murmured as Jack laid his head on Ianto's shoulder. They sat together for several minutes, not quite snuggling, but silently drawing comfort from one another.

"I hate that place," Jack murmured, and Ianto felt him shudder.

"You hate what it represents," Ianto replied. "The unknown, the unpredictable, the unprotected."

"Maybe," Jack said. "But more than that…it's failure. There's nothing I can do to stop them from being taken, and there's nothing I can do to help them when the Rift is cruel enough to bring them back, damaged and alone."

"But you are helping them!" Ianto insisted. "Those people would have been left to suffer alone in the vaults before you found them. Now they at least have a chance to live out their lives in comfort and some measure of peace. You must see that."

Jack turned his face up to Ianto with a smile. "We're helping them," he said. "Because I couldn't do it without you."

Ianto was silent, thinking about how Flat Holm had helped him recover from such a dark period in his life, and hoping that he in turn had repaid his debt to both the island and to Jack. Sometimes his only consolation at Torchwood was taking care of the lost souls at Flat Holm. If he'd had a bad day, going to Flat Holm reminded him of the good they did, and of the failures he worked ceaselessly to redeem by trying to do right by the island. Jack was always carrying the burden of what they hadn't done and couldn't do; Ianto tried to see the light in the darkness of Flat Holm, the hope for people who otherwise had none. Because he knew the ultimate source of that light was Jack's big heart.

Patting Jack's leg, he eased himself to a sitting position. "Let's go back to mine tonight. You don't need to mope around here."

Jack grinned, but his weariness was obvious. "Who says I'm moping?"

"I know you," Ianto replied. "And I know how much it hurts you to go out there."

"I don't know how you manage it," Jack murmured, shaking his head.

"Sometimes I don't," Ianto replied with a shrug. "But most of the time it gives me hope. It reminds me of what we can do right, not what inevitably goes wrong. We didn't hurt those people, but we save them a little more every day."

"You do it for her," Jack said with a remarkable insight and a sad smile. Ianto nodded.

"In some ways. But I do it for you, too. Because you did it for me, and because I believe in you and what you are doing for Torchwood."

Jack looked away, his eyes bright. He took Ianto's hand again and finally met his eyes. "You're a remarkable man, Ianto Jones."

"I know," Ianto replied with a grin. "Gwen told me the same thing."

"I know," Jack parroted. "I heard her." His tone became more serious. "I'm glad she's finally realized what I've known for a long time."

"And hopefully she's realized the same about you," Ianto said. He did not want to take credit for something he did not start, nor for something he continued to do for his own often selfish reasons. And none of this had been about him, but about Jack, and Gwen, and the reality of Flat Holm. "Come on, let's go. Back to mine for a stiff drink, maybe a long, hot shower, and bed."

"Sounds perfect," Jack replied, leaning in to kiss him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Ianto said. "And thank you. For what you did then, for what you've done since, and for understanding now." He paused. "So if we're done with the sentimental prattling, can we leave now?"

Jack jumped up, pulling Ianto with him so fast he couldn't help but laugh. "Absolutely! I could really use a night off from all this."

"Only to start again in the morning," Ianto returned dryly, but without bitterness. It was their job, their life, given to protect others, and Ianto wouldn't have it any other way.

Jack nodded and squeezed his hand. "Yes, but together."

They shut down the Hub and gathered their coats, and for one night they put aside Gwen Cooper, Flat Holm, and the Rift. The past was behind them, and against all odds the future lay before them, beginning with a night of comfort and compassion. They were whole, and most important, they were together.

Exceptionally Long Author's Note:

The End!

When I started this over a year ago, I had originally planned to write more on the island. It involved Sam and Elise and Ianto, but it never really clicked. I finally realized that once Ianto said, "It was Jack," then anything else that happened would take away from the impact of that statement. Because that was the focus, Ianto and Jack. It was Jack who went to the island every day and slowly but surely brought Ianto back from the brink.

When Broken came out in July, I was sure that this entire story was pretty much jossed, and that I would never finish and post it. At the same time, Ianto did grow somewhat suicidal after the incident in the Beacons in that story, so it confirmed my thoughts about the character and his mental state, and made me want to explore that more. I personally find things like the audios to be official canon and don't like to contradict them unless I'm setting out to write a "What if?" or alternate universe scenario. So I've tried to work with what we learned in Broken, and yet there were a few things that I struggled with. Namely, the idea that Ianto went home, went to the pub, and went back to work within days of the tragedy with Lisa. I prefer the month long suspension he was given in the Captain's Log on the BBC website at the time the episode aired. It makes no sense to me that he wouldn't be punished in some way, or given leave to recover. So I've set his time at the island over his suspension, with the events of Broken happening right after. He left the island stronger, but being thrown back into the real world of Torchwood was hard, particularly as both he and Jack struggled to find their footing with one another in a new context. Hence he turns to Mandy instead of Jack, who we see in the audio as trying, but ultimately failing to support Ianto as he had on the island in this story.

I imagine that after growing closer to Jack at Flat Holm, losing some of that once back at the Hub was difficult, and that his past anger combined with new resentment until we see the Ianto of Broken, who stands by to watch Jack suffer and die. Yet he saves him, and something finally draws them together physically. That it was initially comfort is little in doubt, I think. But as Ianto notes to himself, that it developed into more, whatever it is at this point, is indeed remarkable given their past.

I hope you enjoyed this story, even though it ends here. I felt like once so much had been written, it deserved to be finished and shared. And really, we have no canon for Ianto's recovery other than Broken, which still sees him lost and alone and doesn't explain how he was able to come back to work and move on. So I hope that this story presents one plausible scenario. Thank you so much for all the comments, I really appreciate them and hope the story lived up to every one.