dEfEcTiVe?

"ZIM! This plan is insane! You're going to destroy us ALL!"

The Irken cackled as he maneuvered the Voot downwards to shake the child off his tail, grinning back once he cleared the few asteroids to find an empty void. "HA!" he spat. "Foolish Dib-human! Never again shall you mess with Invader ZIM! Eh?" The alien had a moment to blink before he was rammed head on, screaming as the ship spiraled out of control. "GIR! GIR, DO SOMETHING!"

His SIR Unit screeched just as much as his Master, plastered to the seat from the force.

Zim grunted from the sudden whip of a crash into the surface of Mercury, groaning as he sat up, body cracking in several places. "Gir," he croaked.

The robot's dull eyes lit with cyan, and he jumped up, smiling. "Hi!"

"Gir, help me get the systems back online before -!"

The alien squealed in horror as Dib's ship bolted straight for them!

The child grinned wide as he rushed the ship, effectively dislodging it from the planet's bedrock. "What's wrong, Zim?! Is my ship too much for you?!"

The Irken growled, the impact jarring his ship in such a way that rebooted it - the call with the human was reestablished. "Filthy Earth monkey!" he mocked. "You cannot stop an Irken Invader!"

Gir shrieked as the human gave chase. "MARY MAD!"

Zim cringed, turning his dented ship around to once again head in the bright star's direction, heat radiating on his crimson orbs.

"You can't outrun me, Zim! Not with that piece of garbage you call a ship!"

"This 'piece of garbage' is making you eat my space dust!" Zim briefly sneered at the screen. "You don't even know how to work that Irken technology you are sitting in, sad, little Diblet!"

"I know enough to beat you!" The human lifted a brow before he mirrored his expression, wiping a few droplets of sweat from his brow. It was getting hot. Like, unbearably hot. And his preferred attire was not helping! They were getting closer and closer to the star that the Earth depended on – that the solar system depended on, and that stupid alien was trying to blow it up! Accelerate its lifespan to the point of combustion, rendering all life on Earth hopelessly awaiting for critical temperatures! Everyone would be doomed without a beacon of light to guide them!

Dib glared with a newfound determination, typing away on the interactive screens. "Computer! Lock on to that Irken ship and send a jamming signal!" He sneered as the beam fired, hitting on target. "Ha!"

The Irken blinked from the command, furrowing his brow as he puckered his lip. His ship started to drift. He stared down at the analog stick that suddenly failed to respond. "GYAH!" He pressed at the control board over and over, gaze flicking back up to the asteroid belt that the ship was inevitably heading for. He let out a roar of frustration as he ripped the controls out. "YOU STINKING HUMANNN!" he cursed the child just before his vessel inevitably entered the belt, robot giggling uncontrollably.

Dib stopped his ship to watch his enemy go down, space debris pummeling the Voot Cruiser. "Victory for Earth!" He cried. "Enjoy your little field trip, Zim! See ya!" Dib waved to the chaotic screen of Zim's inner ship, ending the call as he turned around, fleeing back home.

"Man, you should have seen it, Gaz! It was incredible! Tak's ship is working great!" Dib beamed as he continued, "Zim was all like, 'oh no!' and I was like, 'oh yes!' And pow, bam, pow!" he punched the air. "I wonder if he survived," the child blinked, before shrugging. "Oh well."

"Dad's going to ground you after hearing you went out on a skool night," his sister opened a menacing eye to him. She was just enjoying life for once and Dib just had to come home instead of exploding in the Sun or whatever. Her dreams had been crushed.

Dib clicked his tongue, sighing. "Oh, come on, Gaz! The Earth's saviour shouldn't have to worry about that! Heroes don't go to skool in the real world!"

"But you still do," Gaz hissed, trying to contain her rage. Her brother was delusional – obsessive and delusional! Why couldn't he have just stayed out in space?

"Yeah, whatever," the child fixed a lock of hair back into place. "Where is dad anyway?" he asked as he opened their fridge, grabbing a soda by a brown bag containing his skool lunch and popping the can open to take a swig. He exhaled in satisfaction.

"Where do you think?" his sister kept her attention on the game in her clutches. "You know he's hardly home," she scoffed. "And what did I tell you about drinking my soda?" she opened both eyes to glare.

"Uhm.. not to?" Dib scratched the back of his head. "Well, I already drank from it.. Did you want to share my germs?" he offered the can with a knowing smile.

Gaz growled, shoving the soda away from her. "The next time I see you drinking my soda, I will saw your head off and use it as a kickball."

The child made a face as his demonic sister left the kitchen. After a moment, her door slammed upstairs. Well, whatever. He wasn't going to let the foul mood of his sister put him down! After all, he saved the planet once again from that evil, alien monster who had no chance of – !

The child stared up at the window over his sink, eyes wide in disbelief.

Zim was glaring, face pressed against the chilled glass with a toothy sneer.

"How did you-?!" he interrupted himself from realization that the Irken was trying to get in. He immediately reached up to lock it, grinning from the look the alien wore, and he disappeared. Ha! Too easy!

He gasped as he felt his insides jolt, eyeing the front door. He hadn't locked it! The child bolted towards it, turning the lock just in time before his doorknob jiggled furiously.

The Irken growled, pounding and kicking. "Let me in so I may RIP OUT YOUR SPINE THROUGH YOUR HIDEOUSLY-SHAPED FACE!"

"Nuh uh!" Dib held the door knob to quell the struggle. "I already foiled your plans, space monster! Go crawl back to your alien base and whine to your Irken leaders about it! And while you're at it, tell them I said that this planet is protected by me – Earth's saviour, Dib Membrane!" It was only after he had finished rubbing it in that he realized the doorknob had stopped twisting. He blinked at it before leaning up to peer out the peephole.

"Zim?" he called out, searching what he could see of his front yard. The beams of electricity hummed. The Irken was nowhere in sight.

The child puckered his lip in confusion before his eyes shot open from a crash upstairs. "Oh, man!" he cried in realization. His room had a window!

The child rushed forth up the stairs, panting as his heart raced. He felt genuine fear at that moment, knowing he was done for – and he quite liked having his spine in place. Dib froze in the hall from the patch of green and pink in his bedroom doorway.

The Invader was glaring daggers through his head, gloved fingers twitching dangerously. "You sickening pig-beast," Zim snarled, Pak legs emerging. "How DARE you leave Zim to die in the cold vacuum of space!"

"Hey, you started it!" the child pointed, backing up slightly from the alien's advancement above him.

"Be quiet!" came Gaz's muffled yell.

Zim glanced to the Dib-sister's door before refocusing on his nemesis. "You will pay dearly, Dib-beast," he hissed. "Zim shall slice open your ugly, Dib head of Dib and stuff it with snacks for my Tal-! AHH!" the Irken flailed from the splash of carbonation, reeling as he attempted to shake off the acid, mechanical legs stumbling past the human and tripping down the stairwell. He grunted with each step his head smacked before he fell to the first floor, landing in a heap.

"Get out of my house, Zim!" Dib barked, flying down the steps, skipping two and three each time, shaking up his defensive beverage.

The Irken, upside down, widened his eyes to the incoming threat, and he flipped himself with the help of his Pak legs, darting out of the way of heavy boots.

"What's the matter, Zim?!" he taunted. "Don't like Earth soda?" he taunted, going after the alien.

The alien cringed as he found himself cornered in the Dib's kitchen, but reluctant to admit defeat. "Nonsense!" he snapped. "Your inferior, flavoured Earth acid does not intimidate Invader Zim!"

Dib narrowed his gaze before jerking the can forward, soda flying.

The Irken gasped, ducking from the trajectory, but unfortunately, liquid was an evil thing that loved to cover a large area when it took flight. He screamed in agony, trying to blend himself into the corner like a chameleon, Pak legs positioned like a threatened spider. "Quit it!" the alien hissed, covering his face to prevent any further damage.

"You're the one who broke into MY house, space boy!" he aimed the can at the Invader's face.

"Lies!" Zim glared from the threat, eyeing the human with much disdain.

He rolled his eyes. "How did you even get back so quick?" Dib narrowed his gaze. "There's no way you could've escaped that asteroid belt in one piece!"

"Foolish Dib-human!" the Irken smacked the can away from him, causing the object to fly. "I am ZIM! The greatest Invader of the Irken Armada! Of course I escaped in one piece! I am amazing," the alien smiled his charming smile.

The child glanced back to where his weapon had flung, eyeing the alien wearily, but forced himself to stay put, scheming. "I suppose so," he immediately agreed, taking a step back towards the fridge. "I mean, I probably couldn't have done it," his mouth twisted into a cringeworthy smile, taking another step.

The disguised alien placed his hands on his hips, proud. "Of course you couldn't! But it was simply a matter of steering the ship out of the gravitational pull, and-" He yelped in fright from the fizz of an opened can, immediately dodging a splatter by diving under the table and crawling out the other side, hissing as he escaped to the living room.

Dib followed after, grinning with pure delight. "I have plenty more in the fridge, Zim! You better run!" he laughed in mockery.

The Irken made a face from the threat, desperately trying to open the door, but the stupid thing was jammed! He immediately retracted his Pak legs to cut through the wood, lasers blasting.

Dib's jaw dropped as the alien disappeared into the night with a gaping hole in his front door. "IT WAS ONLY LOCKED, YOU MORON!" he called after, sighing. "Man.." He fidgeted before simply picking up the cutout and fitting it back into the puzzle, smiling nervously. "I think that's pretty convincing," he lied to himself, the chill of outside seeping in through the cracks. "It's alright, Gaz! I scared the alien away! Earth is safe again!"

"GO TO BED, DIB!"

The child frowned slightly. "Yeah, okay.." He retreated to the stairs, pride welling deep within his chest from a victorious day. Foiled Zim's plans, made it home alive, and even got to make the alien squirm. He bounced his way through the hall, shutting the bathroom door behind him.

Beep, beep, beep, beep!

The child smacked the button on his alarm, immediately getting up to stretch and yawn. Sure, he was tired from the excitement the day before, but he was just as energized from the idea of mocking his nemesis at skool. He raced through his room, gathering all he needed for the day, throwing the many books and issues of Crop Circles Magazine onto his bed, overwhelmingly eager to go to a child's prison.

He hummed to himself as he departed from the dark cave of blues, shutting the bathroom door in a flash.

Gaz peeked out of her room, an annoyed grunt coming from her throat. Her stupid brother always raced to grab the bathroom first. Whatever. She shut her door again to plop back on her bed, diving back into a world where vampires battled deformed pigs. She heard herself growl, and her fingers clutched the console so tight her knuckles turned white. "Stupid Dib," she seethed.

"Isn't it an amaaazing morning?" He entered the kitchen with an uplifting air, however, his sister's contrasted to it heavily.

"You wasted my soda again," the younger child contained her rage, but it was extremely difficult with that idiotic grin that her brother wore, and she felt herself tremble.

"That wasn't my fault," the human adjusted his glasses as he briefly followed her finger, ants coating the sticky residue by the discarded can. "Zim knocked it out of my hand before I chased him off!" Dib swiped a slice of toast from the plate. "Thanks for making extra, Gaz!" he disappeared into the living room after grabbing his lunch from the fridge.

The purple-haired sibling gritted her teeth, breath shuddering. He contaminated her plate..! She shoved it aside, stewing as she hopped down from the chair, making her way to the front door, slugging her backpack over her shoulder.

Her brother did the same, double-checking that he had everything, smiling. "Well, off to skool!"

"Whatever," Gaz ignored the fact that her older sibling was munching on her buttered breakfast, ready to leave, but her brother insisted on opening the door first. She tried to not notice the trail of ants coming from the hole in their door, mouth twitching.

Dib took another bite as the opened the door to the frosty chill of the early morning, grinning to the outside world. He took a step.

Splash!

The child blinked from the sudden rush of something cold drenching him. He looked up to the oversized bucket that was attached to the string he had crossed below. He glared slightly, licking the back of his hands to conclude its content – soda.

Zim!

Gaz chuckled from her brother's misery. She hated both him and his stupid alien friend, but if she had to choose..

The child stepped around Dib, having lost her patience. "Bye."

"Gyah!" The young paranormal investigator shivered, scowling. Oh, was he going to get that alien pest back! ..Right after another shower.

"So, the plot of Poe's The Cask of Amontillado clearly shows how the character fell right into his doom," the teacher drawled, the start of a potentially meaningful lesson tarnished once again. "Doomed, doomed, doomed..."

The Invader's eye involuntarily twitched. They had just read that entire play this whole past week for this? He had to SPEAK as his part of Mont-whatshisname just to be bored to death? He almost wished he were rotting behind that brick wall himself.

The door quickly opened and shut, a grin immediately plastering itself on the alien's face from the arrival of his entertainment.

"Dib, you're late for the sixty-second time this school year," Miss Bitters snapped, the class turning their heads to the child. "How many times do you intend to test my patience?" she hissed, fingers curling up in her looming fists.

"Sorry," the child panted, not even bothering to give an explanation at this point as he simply waltzed to his desk, drooping into his seat by the window.

The alien observed, quite pleased with his enemy's state. He folded his hands atop his desk like a model student, leering with pride.

Dib snatched out his textbook, turning to the proper page from context clues, sending a glare across the classroom as he did so. The child desperately wanted to slap that smirk off of the Irken's face and crush it under his foot. He was so going to get it..!

The child sneered back through the lesson as his mischievous mind wandered here and there, scheming his way to sweet revenge.

"Hey, Zim, how did that asteroid belt feel?" the child asked casually, a dark tone evident, paper in hand as he sat down across from the green child.

Dib was the only one who ever sat at his arts and crafts table. Well, besides Keef, but he had banned the child from going near him. "Like a piece of filthy Earth pie, stupid thing," he fibbed.

"You mean cake," Dib blinked before smiling, showing his watercolour painting. "Like it?"

The alien eyed the drawing of himself split into two, insides strewn. "Hmph," he scoffed as the child clawed the air towards him with fingertips coated in red, a creepy grin stretching his lips. "Funny, I had a similar idea," the Irken smirked as he presented his own, revealing the amateur, but quite graphic painting of the human stabbed straight through the head with an Irken flag, himself being the one stabbing.

But the blood was.. pink. "Real nice, space boy," Dib stuck his tongue out. "Your artistic skills are even worse than your flying. And you got the colour wrong, by the way."

Zim mirrored him. "Yours is not any better, Dib-stink. Irken blood is not red," he sneered. "What a filthy colour that is for blood."

"Well, pink blood is just stupid," the child snapped back. "Wait – you mean to tell me that your blood is pink?" he mocked, putting two and two together.

"Eh?" The Irken blinked before scowling, thrusting his paintbrush forward. "YOU LIE!"

"Miss Bitters..!" Zita warned.

Their scary teacher sighed, stepping through the desks to the back, glaring at the two enemies. "Enough! If I hear another sound from either of your rotten, children mouths, then-!"

The Irken hissed from a sudden kick, glaring at the child across from him, who looked away innocently.

Miss Bitters growled deeply, looming over him.

"It wasn't Zim," he attempted, puffing his cheeks from the piercing glower.

He felt a permanent scowl etched into his face. His hand was cramping from writing this stupid expression over and over on this filthy chalkboard, occasionally drawing a dead Dib to break up the monotonous air. The ticking of the clock was quite deafening above him, the Irken eyeing it. It was nearly four! He hissed to himself before he noticed Miss Bitters' movement of irritation, and he continued to write, twitching.

"Go home, you worthless child," she finally snapped. "If I did not appreciate your collective interest in the doom of us all, I would have sent you to the Underground Classrooms the first day that you arrived to this hopelessly horrible skool," she growled. "Now get out of my sight!"

"Yes, Miss Bitters," he saluted, thankful to put the stub of chalk down in its holder, exhaling with relief as he exited the class. That stupid Dib-human. Always making his life more difficult, that evil child..! Why, give him a few minutes with that human in a teleporter ring, and he'd-!

"Zim," the child was waiting for him on the bottom step.

"Dib," the Irken spat. "Did you like Zim's gift this morning?" he sneered, scanning their surroundings for life.

"Ha, ha. Very funny," his nemesis snorted. "Luckily for me, my skin doesn't burn when it comes into contact with anything water. Seriously, Zim, you chose the worst planet possible."

"Yes, because it has YOUR filthy head all over it," the alien jumped down a step, freezing from the human doing just the opposite. He glared, hissing. "Stupid human, I do not have time for your ugly face today," he sneered in disgust.

"You're just mad that I beat you yesterday, alien," he mirrored, blocking the Irken from stepping around him.

Zim blinked hard. "You did not beat Zim! I merely, err- caused a distraction! Yesss, from my REAL plan to – err – distract you! So, HA! Zim wins!"

"That doesn't even make sense," Dib crossed his arms, deadpanning. "Distract me from what?"

"Precisely!" The Irken beamed. "Doesn't it just eat at your FILTHY curiosity?"

The human tapped his fingers against his arm. "You don't have another plan! You're just a sore loser, like always!" the child stuck his tongue out.

"Nonsense! I have devised an OH so amazing scheme to destroy your dear planet, Dib-filth, and you were too busy chasing me to realize my true intentions! AHA! Stupid, gullible Dib!" He squeaked as his nemesis let out a war cry and pounced, the Irken quickly escaping the attack to jump the rest of the stairwell. He darted off as quickly as his legs could carry him.

"You horrible, alien monster!" Dib hissed. "Just wait 'til I get my hands on you-!"

"Ha! You'll never take me alive!" Zim cackled, pulse racing with adrenaline. "Good luck keeping up on those stubby things you call LEGS, wretched Dib-pig!"

"HEY! Your legs are just as stubby as mine! I mean-! Gyah! Shut up!" He forced himself to go faster, unable to fight the grin that tore his lips apart, very much enjoying the chase. He lived for this. Craved it. Died for it. He couldn't wait to crush the alien's smirking face between his fingers..!

He gasped as the alien blindly ran into the open road, cringing. "ZIM!" he cried, ready to leap with that car coming so close, it was gonna-!

He watched in awe, frozen to the spot as a swatch of red and black tumbled with the alien on the other side of the road, car swerving and screeching, traffic hysterical. He stared past the quick movements of vehicles to the scene so far from him. Who was that?

The Irken stared up at the pale child, the thing paler than the Dib-human, if that was even possible. It had ridiculously tall, red hair – some sort of living, black fabric accompanying it. Why, that filthy weasel-!

"HOW DARE you lay your fffFILTHY hands on ZIM! Stupid, deformed Earth child!" The Irken sneered at the creature before dashing off. Stupid thing, pushing Zim! Revolting, little worm!

Dib finally passed through the intersection when he had a chance, briefly skidding to a stop to observe the child who had saved the alien, blinking. Wow, that kid had a strange fashion sense. Halloween was over two months ago! He studied the child for a few moments more, unable to make out the shadowed eyes. Well, whatever. He's seen weirder. He had an alien to catch! The child grinned as he took off in Zim's direction.

The pale child narrowed an eye after the retreating human. What.. just.. happened? See, this is why he did not go out in public. It just had to be him, didn't it? The universe seemed to love pulling cruel jokes on him, because he could have sworn that he just saved an alien from being smashed by a car. But, you know, he's seen some weird stuff.. Like, weird weird stuff.. But never like.. alien stuff.

Regardless, that child with the odd hair spike did not look too friendly. He blinked, hesitating on the street corner before redirecting his aimless wandering to a more purposeful destination, cloak dragging behind him.

The Irken panted heavily, grinning as he glanced back. No sign of the Dib-human anywhere. Ha! That foolish pig-beast could not even keep up, the stupid th-! "Gyah!" The alien slowed to a stop, surprised to see the child standing in the gap of fence on his property. "How did you get here so quickly?! I lost you blocks back!"

"Shortcut," the child smirked. "And now I've got you, alien, so tell me this 'plan' that you claim to have distracted me from!"

"Or else what?" Zim scoffed. "You're going to stand there all night?"

"I'll do what I have to to defend the human race from the evil likes of you!" He placed his fists on his hips heroically. "No matter what it takes, space boy, I'll be there – watching your every move! Even when you're doing nothing, I'll be doing – uhm – something! Yeah!"

The Invader stared at his nemesis, almost disbelieving, but if he knew Dib well enough, and he certainly did - then he would know that the child was not fibbing in the slightest. "Well, err, yes, that is all very swell, Dib-beast, but I do have some business to attend to, so if you would not mind scurrying back to your little pig nest-"

"No way!" The child pushed him away from the safety of his base. "I finally have you right where I want you, so we're playing by my rules, s-space- space-!"

The alien furrowed his brow from the stuttering child, following his line of vision.

That black-wearing thing again! Standing on the sidewalk just before the cul-de-sac entrance. Watching.

"What the..?" Dib cringed slightly. Man, that's creepy. He, himself, was not used to being stalked. So, this, well.. it was quite frightening. His father had warned him and Gaz about suspicious persons on street corners. "Zim," he felt a chill. "Can we, uh.. go inside?"

"What?!" The alien glared back at the human, but he could not deny the shared feeling of dread. "You're insane, Earth boy! Go back to your own disgusting Dib-dwelling! Let Zim pass before I sic Gir on your gargantuan head!"

Dib felt his breath become shallow from the thing's movement. It was starting to walk into the cul-de-sac. "Zim, come on! I won't do anything, I swear! You can even lock me in a freaky alien chamber, I don't care! Well - maybe not that, but – agh!" He whipped around to bolt to the Men's door he had broken into one too many times.

"Welcome home, son!"

The Irken yelped as the child pushed right through his security. "Get out of my base, Dib-stink! You're going to let in all the germs!" he cringed, chasing the child through the doorway, only to find his enemy crouched under his window to the left. "What are you doing?!" Zim demanded. "Get out of my-!"

"Shh!" The child grabbed him in a panic, slamming the door and hiding back beneath the windowsill.

"Get your filthy Dib hands of Dib-smell off of Zim!" He fought, growling as he wrestled the grip.

"Zim, for once in your life, shut up!" The human begged before peeking through the glass.

The Irken Invader glared, hissing. "You evil, little -!" His mouth twitched from another hush, and his antennae squirmed beneath the wig. He slowly leaned up to join the human in gazing out the glass.

The thing was standing where Dib had blocked the alien from entering the front yard, studying the lawn and house.

"What on Earth is that thing?" Dib whispered.

The Invader scowled. "Foolish human, he is just another child as sadly misshapen as you!"

"Keep it down! Geez, Zim!" the child snapped, glancing back to their stalker, amber meeting dark abysses. "Gyah!" He yanked the Irken down with him to hide, making certain that his hair was not in view.

"If you touch Zim one more time with those filthy hands of yours, I'll-!"

"SHH!"

The child blinked up at the green and purple house, which was not necessarily odd, but there was a ridiculously-sized satellite protruding from the roof. Then again, houses today always had satellites, so it probably didn't matter. Maybe the resident just liked oversized things. What gave it away was not the odd lawn ornaments, or even the "I ❤ Earth" sign – which was pretty suspicious within itself, unless he was some tree hugger or whatever – but no, it was the wires that were embedded in the walls of the apartment complexes on either side of the eccentric property. An alien? Or just some whackjob?

He puckered his cracked lip from the eyes on him in the window that had disappeared as quickly as they came. Well, only one way to find out..

He built up the courage, which took him several minutes, before he stepped up to the door, hands shaking as he forced himself to ring the doorbell.

Dib jolted from the dreaded sound, tense. "Go answer it!"

"YOU go answer it!" Zim hissed back. "You wished to be in my base so badly, so you deal with this foolish creature!" He shoved the child towards the door.

"It's your base regardless!" His enemy argued, snagging the Irken's wrist to switch their places.

"Pathetic Dib-beast!" The alien growled as he stomped to the door, twisting the knob.

The pale child's anxiety hit the roof from a response he was not mentally prepared for.

"Who are you?!" the alien snapped. "What do you want from Zim, disgusting worm-baby?! Begone with you!"

Dib blinked as his enemy slammed the door immediately. "Geez, Zim, you didn't even let the thing talk!"

"Zim does not care!" he snarled, though completely contradicting his words by whipping the door back open with a widened eye of suspicion. "I demand to know who you are! Speak or forever hold your tail between your eyes!"

Dib facepalmed.

The child in black and purple furrowed his brow. "What?" He stood there, trying to process.

"Okay, 'WHAT'. Begone with you before I twist your legs around that vile hair of yours!" He slammed the door once again.

The pale creature was frozen to the spot, mouth failing to utter words. This house was certainly fitting for the child who lived in it! There was shouting beyond the door, some type of struggle, and -

He swallowed as the door opened again.

"I can handle this!" The child with glasses reassured both the alien and himself before taking a breath and making eye contact with the stranger. It was mere moments before he flailed in excitement. "Wow! You're a-! A - A-!"

The dark-eyed creature squinted from the babbling child. The one who had chased that green kid back here. If they were so hostile towards each other, then why was he..?

"Oh, man!" Dib grinned, whipping out his trusted camera. "Can I get a picture?! Will you show up on film?!"

"Out of the way!" The Irken shoved his enemy aside, opening the door further to glare. "I do not know who you think you are, 'WHAT', but you are not welcome on Zim's property, now leave!" he fought the human who was desperately trying to get a good shot.

The child tilted his head, glancing to the one in glasses. "Are you two friends?"

The alien glowered from his disregarded warning, and both enemies dropped what they were doing.

"Ew! No way!" Dib suddenly refused to touch the Irken, scowling.

The alien stuck his tongue out in displeasure. "Why does it matter? Remove yourself or I will blast off that filthy, red mop of yours! I mean it!" He leaned with a dangerous eye.

The creature's face twisted, dark gaze fixated on the pink-tinged teeth and crimson, segmented tongue. Wow, if this really was an alien, he was really bad at blending in. So bad, in fact, that he tried to come up with another explanation for his appearance, but thoughts failed him. "Are you an alien?" he finally forced out.

"LIES! YOU LIE, LYING BEAST OF HAIR, ALL LIES!"

The pale child had to keep himself anchored from the blast of sound, hair drooping.

Dib took the opportunity, however, crying out, "He is an alien! Finally, someone else who's not completely stupid!"

"HE LIES!" The Irken roared, pointing to his nemesis. "THE EARTH BOY LIES! ALWAYS LYING, THAT DIRT CHILD!"

"Somehow, I don't believe that," the pale child's face scrunched from the scowl. "Look, I'm not saying it's bad, I was just -"

"GNOMES!" the alien barked. "Destroy the intruder! Make his miserable ending as painful as you can muster!"

"NO!" Dib shoved the alien, diving to roll with his possible companion down the sidewalk, skillfully avoiding the lasers that the lawn ornaments fired.

The child in cloak grunted from the impact, dazed as he was yanked up and led away from the site.

The Irken growled. "Stupid Dib-beast!" his voice cracked, slamming the door once again. "How DARE he get in the way of my destroying!"

"But he.. always gets in the way of your destroying."

"Silence!" the Irken hushed his computer, tapping at his lip. "This is not good. The Dib has yet another ally to try and stop me from my amazing plans! What is with that human and making so many allies?!"

"Well, everyone you've ever tried to befriend, you either scared them away or shot them into space."

"BE QUIET!" Zim hissed. "What am I paying you for?!"

The computer sighed, deciding to let it go. "I don't think you have much to worry about."

"Nonsense! Those two filth slugs will be planning my downfall the moment they get back to the Dib's house!"

"Where do you even pull these insults from?"

"I have to act quickly," the alien continued, glancing here and there. "If this thing with freakish hair truly wishes to destroy me as much as the Dib does, then so be it! I can take on two Dibs! One is just pathetic, but two is even more!" His confidence sagged as he bit his lip, starting to pace. "Two Dibs equals twice the challenge. Twice the pain! Twice the victory!" he ranted.

"But.. Zim, that.. thing didn't even show any interest in working with the Earth child at all.."

"Computer, you just do not realize how ingenious I truly am! I can see through ALL forming alliances with that filthy hog-beast, and this is no different!"

"But-"

"Computer!" the alien snapped again, "I have heard enough of your oblivious assumptions! Quit your useless speaking and take me down to the Room of Dastardly Scheme-making!"

The Irken technology huffed, but nonetheless complied with his Master's wishes, opening the floor for the bossy alien to descend.

"So, you're seriously not making this up? You really are a vampire?" Dib observed the child that was paler than even him. Wow, how was that possible? "Those aren't contact lenses, are they?"

"No," the creature was also studying, just.. not making it as obvious. This child was quite straightforward.

"Can I see?" Dib quite rudely approached in a way that the vampire was not at all comfortable with, the creature freezing. The human grabbed the paler child's face of smudged eyeliner, finger pulling a lid down as he came close. "Wow! Do all vampires have this? Can you see better than humans can? Is that makeup? Or maybe ectoplasm? Can you turn into a bat? Do you actually drink blood?" The child frowned slightly from noticing the other's discomfort. "Sorry," he took a step back. "Uhm – I'm Dib, by the way."

"Zephyr," the vampire squinted from having been bombarded. "You certainly like your paranormal," he studied his nails as he walked on, unimpressed with the questions. "Chasing aliens and all that," he tried as casually as he could, but the curiosity was punching him in the gut.

Dib followed, observing every detail and mannerism of the creature before him. "Well, I'm a paranormal investigator, after all. Gotta get that evidence to show to the public I'm not insane, ya know?"

The vampire felt his fingers curl slightly from that. "You're an investigator?" he eyed the child with suspicion. "Then why aren't you trying to kill me or whatever?"

The human widened an eye. "That's not what paranormal investigation is about. You don't kill your findings, you just solve mysteries, and.. uhm.. Stuff. But Zim on the other hand-"

"Zim?" the creature tried on his tongue.

"The alien," Dib confirmed. "He's evil and he's trying to take over the planet! I can't let him run free like I do my other discoveries!" The child frowned, shoulders dropping. "But everyone is so blind and can't see him for what he truly is! No one ever believes me! I've tried everything! Pictures, videos, exposing him, even dramatic reenactments, but there's just NOTHING that I can get through to these people with! Not one thing! All they do is call me crazy! I'm not crazy!" He clenched his fists, head bursting in flames, "They're crazy! Every last one of them! Soon everyone will be sorry for what they've done to me throughout my whole childhood! Once I expose that alien monster to the world and stop his Irken army from invading the Earth, they'll all be sorry! They'll be sorry about every last insult they ever threw at me for calling me crazy, for my 'obsessions', for the size of my head!" He burst out into evil laughter. "They'll all see!"

Zephyr blinked, not exactly knowing how to respond. Yup. One hundred percent perfectly sane child. Nothing out of the ordinary here. "Oookay.." He scratched at his head before smiling almost nervously. "I have an idea. How about you go that way.. and I go this way."

"What?" Dib frowned, glancing off in the basic direction the vampire was trying to go. "You're not going to help me?"

"Look, Dib, you seem.. uhm.. nice and all, but I hardly know you," Zephyr narrowed an eye. "So, I'd rather not go to.. wherever you might live," he worded carefully. He hasn't actually interacted like this with another living – err – moving being in quite a few years. He even surprised himself that he could process so well after all this time.

"Wait!" the child called after him, catching up to tug on the collar of the vampire's cloak that miraculously stayed glued to his person.

The pale creature hissed slightly from the contact, whipping around, fabric following. "What?!"

"Please don't go!" Dib begged, holding his hand out. "Please, I need help to defeat Zim and you're the only other one who sees through his evil ways! That, and, well, it would be super cool to have a vampire around."

Zephyr sighed, hair failing to stand up its full length. "I'm not very good with people," he bluntly put.

"Neither am I," Dib fumbled for persuasion, "see? We have a lot in common already."

The vampire blinked at him, studying wearily. He was just a kid, right? Not some psychopath. He was just infatuated with the supernatural. Nothing to worry about. Zephyr fidgeted before eyeing him again. "Do you promise not to do anything to me?"

"What, you mean like garlic and wooden stakes? Well, I have them, but I won't use them on you. Promise. Unless you try to attack me, of course."

Zephyr allowed himself an amused smirk, mouth contorting in awkward ways. That stuff didn't actually work. Or rather, not on him. Maybe other vampires? Err – regardless.. "Then fine."

"Huh?"

He deadpanned. "What were we just talking about?"

"You'll go with me?" Dib's eyes sparkled.

"Yes," the vampire cringed from the expression, awkwardly glancing around from the long pause. "Well? Where do you live, then?"

The child squeaked with excitement, taking the vampire's wrist and dashing.

Zephyr grunted from the pull, cloak flying behind him as he tried to keep up. Curse this child and the exercise!

"GIR!" came the echo.

"ME!" the SIR unit chortled hysterically, running through the base halls, grabbing his favourite stuffed toy and placing it on his head.

"GIR!" his Master called for the third time. Or the fourth? Or seventh? What are numbers? "GIR, COME HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"Okay!" Gir squealed, skipping down the hall towards the Irken's voice, but as soon as he reached the door, he tripped!

"Gir! Quit playing and get over here! I need your help to test my new amAAAzing plan for ridding myself of the Dib and his hideous new ally!"

"Oooo," the robot picked himself up and his toy, running full speed as he giggled.

"Ngh!" Zim grunted from the impact, glaring down at his SIR unit. "I despise you," he reminded his slave, who simply smiled back adoringly. The Irken sneered from it. "Now get up and hold this while I-!"

"I like you," Gir clutched his master's leg, slobbering all over the leggings.

"GYAH! GIR, THAT'S DISGUSTING!" He shook his robot off of him, kicking him away. "Forget it! Go back up to the house to watch for any intruders! Now, Gir! Time is snacks!"

"Snacks!" The robot squealed, running in circles before he retrieved his stuffed pig, holding it close to his chest and racing back out, an orchestra of sounds emanating from the robot's mouth.

The Irken sighed, antennae flattened in irritation.

"-and he has this weird thing on his back that I'm still not sure exactly what it's used for – not entirely – but all I know is that it contains these weird leg things and gadgets. Sort of like a storage pod, maybe, or something more... sinister.."

The vampire eyed the diagram throughout the child's speech. He didn't mind much that he couldn't get a word in. After all, he was quiet in general - He was more than happy to just sit there and listen to the human rant away.

"That's enough of the outside. Although, it is pretty neat." The presentation screen flickered – the same presentation that he put together for the Swollen Eyeball, but never got around to show them yet.

Zephyr narrowed an eye as he was shown the organs of this alien being. So – wait. They had technology to see through someone's body now? Since when?

"This is a snapshot I took with my old X-scope." He used the pointer stick as he explained. "I discovered that Zim's race only has two organs. A brain, of course, and some sort of super organ! It looks like a bunch of ours crushed together really, but it's clearly missing some things." He pointed down below. "One of the most obvious is a large intestine, which is kind of weird, but I figured, maybe his race doesn't excrete like we do. After all, I've never come across anything remotely like it. He also seems to have that thing on his back connected directly to his spine."

The vampire tilted his head, finally opening his mouth. "Does he eat?"

"Yes! And that's what makes it weird! I mean, it has to go somewhere! It can't just vanish!" He slapped the screen with the stick in frustration. "One day, I'll uncover everything about that alien scum! Everything I ever wanted to know!"

Zephyr made a face, feeling his skin start to crawl as he swiveled in the child's seat at the desk, cautious of what he touched. "So, uhm, what exactly is he planning to do again?"

"HE'S TRYING TO ENSLAVE US ALL!"

The creature jolted back from the burst, cloak whipping with him.

Dib suddenly calmed. "But now that I have help, we can put a stop to his reign of alien terror," he leered at the thought. "I just need to think of a good enough plan to finally expose him for the horrible monster that he is!" His fists lowered. "But I just can't seem to get him, you know? He always seems to be one step ahead, and avoids all my traps! And even if he does fall for one, he always ends up escaping it! It's insane!"

"Well.." Zephyr tapped at his lip. If this kid had already tried everything, then what help was he? He's never tried to catch an alien before. The thought had never even occurred to him. "Have you tried luring him with something?"

"Tried it. Didn't work."

"Why not?"

"Some other stupid race of aliens came and interrupted my plans! They stole my evidence and my ally!"

"Then... uhm.. Did you report him to the-?"

"FBI? They never believe me about anything," Dib crossed his arms, biting his cheek as he glanced away. "I've been contacting them for years and all they do is laugh at me!"

Zephyr found himself chewing on his lip, tapping at the chair. "Uhm, no offense, but it seems impossible, then. Unless you were to physically capture him, then-"

"I've been trying!" Dib sighed in exasperation. "He always gets away, no matter what I do! Sometimes I think this universe is against me, you know? Just watching over me and laughing. Anything I ever try to do never works and I just get ridiculed over it. My own dad doesn't even believe me!"

"Mn." Zephyr propped his head up, a frown evident. How ironic that the human had spoken his own suspicions out in the open. Perhaps they did have much in common. Then again, he was not chasing after the paranormal or constantly dealing with the public like this child. "Perhaps you just need someone to help.. capture him?"

The child in trenchcoat tilted his head. "Maybe." He immediately eyed the vampire. "Wait. You're a superhuman, right?"

"Uhm, I wouldn't say super-"

"Then maybe you can help me grab him! Zim's never really gone up against a vampire before, I mean, as far as I know.. So maybe you're exactly what I've needed to help me defeat him once and for all!"

"Ah.. I'm not really certain if I can-"

"It'll be great!" Dib obliviously went on. "I can't wait to see the look on that cowering insect's face when he's jumped by an enemy he's never faced before! Alien VS vampire! And I can record it all on tape, too! This is going to be great!" He jumped with incredible excitement before he eyed his blaring alarm clock, the time nearing three AM. He should probably get to bed, his conscience reasoned, but the child was far too infatuated with his current situation that he did not dare think about sleep, or the skool he had to attend that same morning. "Let's get back to the slides, shall we?"

Zephyr only stared in discomfort. Was this kid seriously asking him to go up against an alien? An evil alien that was trying to conquer the planet? One with access to weapons and technology that bewildered him, and physically attack him, when he's avoided all contact with intelligent life for the past few decades? He's never been in a fist fight before! He was so screwed!

The vampire tried to keep himself under control as he learned about the alien – the Irken, Dib had said – absorbing everything he could to better prepare himself for what was to come.

The Irken's mouth twisted with pure disgust at the tray before him. Why did he even try with the cafeteria food anymore? The alien lifted his gaze to children who were devouring it like it was nothing!

Zim inhaled deeply, lid twitching as he lifted the spoonful of mystery goo, gag reflex immediately hissing. The Invader was frozen, mouth quivering. No! He smacked the spoon down, bits flying. He will not deal with this filth any longer! The Dib doesn't eat it, or his creepy sister! So why should he?

The Irken shoved the abomination away from his person, just in time to splatter the child in glasses.

Dib blinked, wiping it away with his sleeve. "I'm going to pretend that never happened."

"What do you want, stink beast? Can you not tell that ZIM is too busy for the likes of you?!"

"Uh, no. All I see is an alien rejecting perfectly normal Earth food." The human crossed his arms with an all knowing smirk. "And I just wanted to let you know that Zephyr and I are planning your downfall."

"Zephyr?" the Irken puffed his chest in retaliation. What a stupid name that was! Zephyr, pfft. Irken babies could come up with better names!

"Yeah," Dib sneered. "That's his name. Doesn't it strike fear in that alien heart of yours?"

"Not even in the slightest," the Irken spat. "I fail to see how this 'ally' of yours could ever cause such a thing for a mighty Irken of the Elite."

"Well," Dib looked around before smirking back at him. "He's something you've never battled before, Zim! A vampire is a supernatural being that drains its victims of all life force," he leered, wiggling his claws. "There's no way you can beat something so powerful!"

"Ahem. And, err.. How exactly do you destroy this.. 'vampire'?" The Irken blinked.

Dib stared before bursting out in maniacal laughter.

Zim felt his irritation rise. It was a genuine question, and the stupid human was just laughing..!

The child got ahold of himself after nearly three minutes, out of breath, tears in his eyes. "Like I'd ever tell my enemy how to defeat me!" he snarled. "You must think I'm stupid!"

"Correction, Dib-beast: I think you are very stupid," the Irken grinned.

Dib glared at him until the bell rang, standing. "Whatever, space boy, you better just be on your guard," he accused, pointing, "because we'll be there when you least expect it! Taking you down together – Human and vampire against alien menace!"

"You're crazy," a child mumbled as he stepped by.

Dib ignored it, or, well, tried to.. and leered back at the Irken as he followed out the doors. "Then I'll finally have a comeback on Mysterious Mysteries! It will be the highlight of the season!"

The alien scowled from one of the many infamous rants of his nemesis. "I do not care for your filthy television shows, puny worm," he snapped, the chill of the season flooding his senses as he marched down the steps into the skool courtyard. "And who says Zim will not be able to handle this Zephyr creature? I would have already annihilated him if your stupid head did not get in the way."

"And I'll still be in the way, Zim!" Dib placed his fists on his hips. "You might as well call off the invasion now, Irken, because soon enough, you'll be in a lab, awaiting your final moments under a shiny scalpel!"

Zim sat at the bench, turned away from the bothersome human with a glare. He watched the children on the playground, laughing and pushing each other on the swings..

"Are you even listening to me?!" The human snapped, standing up on the tabletop, looming. "He's gonna get you!"

The alien whipped around and stumbled from the sudden burst of a hiss. He stared hard at the child in his delighted laughter. Zim clenched his fists from the fright. "Stupid human! I do not care how tall he is, he is a mere creature who can just as easily be taken down as this pathetic speck of a planet!"

Dib dropped the act slightly. "He's our height, you jerk."

"Nonsense!" The alien ditched the contaminated-with-Dib area, stepping right through an active hopscotch game, knocking a child over in doing so.

The female proceeded to make a ruckus from her lost footing, tears flying.

The Irken approached the abandoned play site, grabbing the ball and shooting a sinister grin back at his nemesis, invitation heavy in the air.

Dib bit his cheek and crossed his arms. Stupid alien. Is he challenging him at a game of Tetherball? Hasn't he learned yet? The child had to smirk, jumping down from the bench and making his way to the abandoned game. No one else has touched it since they started finding interest in it. The pole remained untouched, that is, until they came back to it, time and time again. "You just can't appreciate the supernatural forces like I can," the human mocked, smacking the ball around harder than it had been dished to him.

The Irken whipped it faster upon contact. "There are many creatures out there that I have dealt with, Dib-worm. Creatures your puny, little brain could not even begin to comprehend! This 'vampire' thing does not worry me in the slightest."

"Well, you should worry, because the big difference between me and those alien monsters you fight is that I know your every weakness!" He hit the object once, twice, three times, not giving the Irken a chance to retaliate. "No one else! Just me! Paranormal Investigator, Dib Membrane!"

The alien cringed from the speed, ducking.

The child gasped just before the ball thwacked him upside the head, body thrown to the ground.

He groaned from the disorientation, slowly opening his eyes to a blur of green and pink standing above him.

The Irken stared down at his nemesis, an evil grin plastered on his lips.

Dib glared at him, then at the hand being held out, grabbing it to pull himself up with a harsh tug. He swiped his offered glasses as well. "That didn't happen."

"Of course it didn't," the alien sneered. "And while you play around with this silly vampire of yours, Dib, I will be wiping the Earth clean of the human race!" Zim cackled in his rival's face for a while before he slowly caught on to the human's silence, eyes widening from the stares around them. "Err.. Ehm..! I mean..!" The Irken fumbled for words, quickly moving closer to the child, grabbing the trench coat and wrapping himself in it, wearing his fake smile. "To clean the Earth of all of its filth! Yes! Err- FOR the human race!" He looked around nervously. "I'm normal!"

Dib eyed the dispersing children with a disbelieving huff, rolling his eyes. "You know," he went on as if his enemy were not sharing his coat, "bursting out into rants like that are eventually going to come back to bite you." He imitated a hiss, fingers clawing. "Like a vampire."

The Invader scoffed, putting space between them. "Don't be ridiculous, pig-beast. I am more than prepared to face yet another challenge, if I can even call it that."

"Oh, it's a challenge, alright!" Dib pointed through the bell. "You'll see just how dangerous vampires really are, Zim! Just you wait!" he called after, sneering.

The Irken sighed as he made his way down the sidewalk, relieved that the human had gone straight home. "Stupid Dib-human with his parafoolery," he hissed quietly. "Vampire this and that and PAH! Zim does not need to worry! Something with hair as ugly as his cannot possibly be a threat to my mission! Impossible!" The alien eyed his surroundings in sudden paranoia. "Threat or not, that filthy vampire will be out of my way after my latest, most ingenious plan to rid myself of the DIB!"

"Heya, buddy!"

"GYAHH!" The alien jumped into the nearby bush immediately upon the voice. "Keef!" he hissed in accusation. "How DARE you sneak up on an Irken Invader!"

"I just wanted to say hi," Keef smiled his usual smile. "Are you heading home?"

"What's it to you?" The Irken snapped at one of his many enemies, straightening his uniform out and marching again. "I do not care how much my robot likes you, filthy worm! You are not welcome in the house of Zim! Your restraining order is still active!"

The child simply smiled through the outburst. "It's okay, Zim. I know you're upset with me. I just thought you would want to know what Dib has been up to!"

"Dib?" The Irken eyed the child, stopping. "How do you know about what that filthy Earth child is doing?"

"Well, I pass by his house sometimes," the redhead looked away before grinning again. "And he has a new buddy for us to play with! Isn't that so neat?! We'll all go to the movies! We'll have sleepovers and play Chicken! We'll spend Valentine's Day together! It'll be so much fun!"

Zim scowled, eye starting to twitch. "I am far too busy for such inferior activities, but.." The Irken rubbed at his chin. "What exactly have they been doing.. friend?" he played along, watching carefully.

Keef shrugged. "Just talking. Reading things. Not really sure what about. Hey, can I come over? We can play truth or dare," he proposed, beaming.

"NEVER!" the alien hissed, leaving him behind in his race to get home.

"Uh, okay, Zim! See you at skool tomorrow!" The child watched his friend leave before brushing off the rejection and continuing on his way.

"You ready to go?" Dib zipped up the bag of equipment he may need. Cuffs, X-scope, an inflatable decoy of Gir – anything that would come in handy. "Oh man, this is so exciting! I can't wait for the media to cover this!" he leered, imagination churning.

Zephyr, however, had no weapons of the sort, furrowing his brow. "Don't you think we're moving a bit too quickly? I just met you yesterday and we're already putting your plan into motion." He followed into the kitchen where the human was currently packing away soda cans.

"The world doesn't have time to wait! We either do it now, or we allow that space monster to run free another day! Another minute!"

The purple-headed child stepped into the kitchen, opening an eye to yet another stranger in their kitchen. "Who's that?" She did not lift her fingers from the buttons.

"Gaz, this is Zephyr. He's a vampire and he's going to help me defeat Zim once and for all! We're going to his base to go capture him! Wish me luck!"

Gaz only glared at her brother as the child ran out, eyeing Zephyr with just as much venom. "I hope Zim tears out yours and my brother's eyeballs and sells them on the internet so I can buy them and hang them as decorations over my bed."

"Uhm," Zephyr blinked, slowly glancing away. He immediately fled the kitchen to follow the child, the door slamming behind them.

The child smirked, stepping to the fridge to retrieve a beverage. Her jaw dropped from over half of her soda supply missing, and she growled. "DIB!"

The human shook the can, fizzing it up. "He's found a way to avoid water for the most part, but carbonated beverages like soda eats through the layer of paste that he uses to protect himself."

Zephyr absorbed the information, watching the brightly-coloured house in its stillness. "Dib, uhm.. I'm not too sure about this."

"Oh, come on, it'll be fine! We stick with the plan. We break in, rush his security, get past his evil robot dog thing, and then -!"

"DIB!"

The human's head whipped around to the alien in the doorway, eyes wide.

"I see you have brought company," the Irken smirked, gripping a long, tube-like object that disappeared back into the house.

"Well, duh," Dib snapped back. "And is that a vacuum cleaner?"

"LIES!" Zim stared suspiciously. "I created this inGEEENious device to drain your disGUSTing bodies of all vital fluids," he grinned wide. "Now witness your fluids draining! GIR!"

On command with an excited robotic squeal, a loud humming consumed the air, the Irken gripping tightly to keep the powerful sucking under control.

Dib held onto the fence with all of his might, hair straining in the opposite direction. "Gyah!" He felt his fingers slipping quick. "Zephyr! Gyck-! Do something!"

The vampire blinked through his fight to cling on as well, cloak and hair trying to make him release his hold. He immediately eyed that stationary flag pole, kicking it the best he could to dislodge it.

The alien gasped in horror as the lawn ornament flew at him, the flagpole catching in his contraption. The Invader cried out from the sparks, whipping the hose a safe distance away – from him.

Gir screamed, wrestling with the monster and rolling with it, laughing all the while. "It got me! IT GOT ME!"

"GIR! Dispose of it, NOW, GIR!" he cried, frantic as the robot simply played. "GIR!"

The SIR unit stared momentarily, but not responding quickly enough. He screamed as the Irken's invention bursted into flames and smoke, a wave sending them both across the room.

Dib blinked as the fiasco unfolded itself before them, stepping past the gnomes to get a better look at the damage.

The vampire glanced back to surrounding houses and apartments, fidgeting. Were people going to notice? Wait a minute.. what was he thinking? Of course they wouldn't. The vampire followed, eyeing the odd, green dog.. without a head. And the Irken… passed out.

"Good thinking with the flag! Now's our chance, come on!"

Zephyr bit his lip as he watched the human scoop Zim up. "Now what?" he tilted his head.

"Well, we bring him back to my dad's lab, of course!" He smiled wide. "Let's go!"

"Mary got a frieeennnd.."

The two whipped around from the whisper. They started at the tarnished dog head, sparks leaking.

"INTRUDER!" the head screeched, torn eye glaring red as it dragged itself by a tongue.

The vampire shrieked, immediately retreating. "What is that thing?!"

"It's Zim's robot! Hurry, before he-!" Dib reeled from the inhuman hiss coming from below.

The Irken pried himself from the grip, spider legs unsheathing.

The vampire watched in horror as the Irken rose, feeling himself grow smaller and smaller.

"Computer!" the alien snapped, door immediately shutting. "Capture them!"

"Nngahhh!" Dib exasperated, dodging the wires that attacked him.

Zephyr, however, was more than unprepared. The vampire was snatched right up.

Gir laughed hysterically, head bouncing around. "Mary, Mary! Quite contrary! Had a head that's big and scary! Hehehe!"

Dib gasped as the Irken got in the way of his exit, stopping him at every turn. "NOOO!"

"Oh, YES," the Irken cackled as the house consumed his enemy.

"Ngh.." His eyes started to crack open. Ugh… what happened? Was it a dream? Was he in bed? On a floor?

No.. he was floating.. peacefully, in fact.. peaceful enough for him to want to close his eyes and succumb to the darkness once again.

"What are you?!" the Irken hissed, causing the human to snap awake in the pod.

He came closer to the glass, observing the scene below.

Zephyr hissed as the alien continued to pull on his hair. "I already said what I was!"

"LIAR!"

The vampire tried to intimidate with a glint of his fangs, but it was quite a difficult task when his limbs were bonded to the table. "I don't know why you think I'm lying about everything, but-"

"Your filthy hair is full of lies!" Zim interrupted, gloved fingers gripping the vampire's mouth to pry it back open.

Zephyr made a face of extreme discomfort, but he was intrigued all the same.

"What are those things in your mouth?"

"They're fangs, moron," Dib finally spoke, crossing his arms.

Zephyr watched as the Irken's attention wavered, trying to wriggle his way out of the bonds, cloak ends sneaking their way up towards the metal.

"Be quiet, Earth-pig! I will deal with YOU next!"

"Yeah, right! You fail at every attempt at getting rid of me! Today is no different!"

Zim glared, tearing his wig off in aggravation.

The vampire had to gasp from the antennae, eyes wide as the alien revealed his big, crimson gaze. Wow. Wow, wow, wow..! The evil grin sent chills up his spine.

The Irken watched his nemesis. "But it is certainly different, Dib-filth, for ZIM shall be annihilating your one and only ally! Your-" he paused, staring down at the empty table. Where did..?

He grunted from the whiplash, immediately glaring at his attacker. The Irken's eyes widened at the creature that was pressing him into the table, shocked by the escape.

Zephyr was staring just as much, taking in all the details of the alien he had trapped between him and the table.

Zim blinked quite a few times, awaiting the creature's next move. What was he trying to do? Did vampires stare for hours before they drained the bodily fluids? Was he currently draining them by simply staring? What was this filthy vampire up to?!

"Your eyes are incredible," Zephyr could not stop himself, receiving a mental slap in return.

The Irken sneered from the compliment, not admitting to himself that he found the vampire's eyes equally as intriguing, however, he refused to give the creature such treatment. "Yes, yes, they are amazing, now stand away!" He shoved Zephyr immediately. "Get back onto the table like a good lab experiment!"

Zephyr only felt energized by the push, tongue gliding across his fangs.

Zim cringed from the look, putting space between them. "Foolish thing! Do not defy ZIM!"

The contained human grinned in excitement. But he had no camera to record it! Gyah! Still, it was worth it!

Zephyr did not seem to blink as he watched the Irken move around the table. He remained still, eyes following.

The alien's lips curled over in confusion before he growled, antennae pulled back fiercely. "Fine! You asked for it, vampire-weasel!" The Irken rose swiftly with his mechanical legs, glaring down at his opponent.

"Weasel?" Dib questioned from the pod.

"Silence!" The Irken hissed, pouncing at the creature loose in his base.

The vampire eyed the technology carefully through the alien's short speech, head turning before his arms opened, cloak flaring.

The Irken grunted as his Pak legs were submerged in the black cloth, the fabric snaking and wrapping its way up. He hissed as he was yanked forward, bracing himself against the creature's head and shoulder. "Let go of ZIM!"

Zephyr continued to clutch the Irken's collar and arm, his jaw open, fangs ready to sink.

The alien hissed, finding his strength nearly matched. Nearly. No one is stronger than Zim, anyhow!

Dib was clenching his fists so tight, wanting to get in on the action, but he helplessly floated, face pressed to the glass.

"Computer!" Zim cried as the creature's mouth came within biting distance.

Zephyr's eyes widened as he was thrown off balance by wires, the Irken jumping up into the air. He grunted, pushing his bangs out of his eyes before catching the insect-like creature's silhouette aiming right for him.

He grit his teeth as the alien landed on his cloak. If he had rolled, his body would have been pierced by the legs instead.

Zim grinned in the small victory at having trapped the vampire. "HA! Zim wins! Now back onto the table with you!"

The vampire eyed the surrounding legs before jerking upwards.

The Irken jumped from the movement, hissing from the dirty trick. That horrible vampire..! Zim hissed as the freed cloak ensnared his mechanical legs, compressing them as he was flipped. "Gyah! No! No!" The alien whined, frustrated from the vampire's upper hand. "Enough of your magical snake beast!"

"It's not a snake," Zephyr struggled to keep the alien contained, arms wrapped around his torso and head from behind.

The Irken squirmed, antennae flailing before he used them to whack at the child, hands pushing at the arm around his waist. "Eugh! Stop touching Zim! You are disgusting!"

The vampire scowled from the constant pestering, hissing and reaching up to clamp down on the black stalk.

Zim froze before screaming in horror. "GET YOUR FILTHY MOUTH OFF OF THERE! ZIM WILL RIP OUT YOUR EYES! YOUR EYES WILL BE IN ZIM'S DRINK!"

The vampire's face twisted in disgust, but mostly puzzlement. "That's gross," he spoke through clenched teeth.

The Irken twitched from the vibration sent up through his appendage, shuddering. "GYAH! STOP! YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" He squirmed hard, kicking backwards with all of his might. His Pak legs retracted from the pressure, cloak folding over and constricting.

Dib observed carefully from his limited view, frantic to see every angle. "Zephyr, bite him already! Put him under some vampire spell or whatever!"

"Who do you think I am?!" Zephyr glared the human's way, ears shattering from the alien's screech.

"RELEASE ME! RELEASE ZIM OR I WILL-"

"SCREAM MORE?!" the vampire snapped, irritated by the noise level.

"GYAHHH!" Zim's antennae convulsed. "Enough, vampire! It hurts, Zim hurts!"

The child in the tube blinked, filing away the possible strategy against the Irken. He furrowed his brow as the vampire released his nemesis. If it were up to him, he would have never let go. He would have reveled in the victory of hearing his enemy beg for as long as physically possible. Why had the vampire released him?!

"Sorry," Zephyr made a face from the Irken's cringing. "Did it seriously hurt that badly?"

The alien securely held his bruised antenna. His balance felt off. His hearing was going in and out. Smell blurring. All senses flickering. He could barely remain standing, body ready to topple here and there. This was it. He was going to be eaten. Eaten by a lowly vampire on a spitball of a planet. "Don't-!" He slurred, pointing somewhere far off. "Don't come any.. Ngh...!"

Zephyr caught the Irken from hitting the floor, blinking wide. Uh oh. Did he kill it? He shot a look at Dib for reference, anxiety soaring.

"Yes! We defeated the alien menace! Now come get me out of here so we can bring him back to my Dad's lab! Hurry, before he wakes up again!"

Zephyr swallowed, hesitant. He scanned over the alien, checking for signs of life.

"What are you doing?! Come on!"

He observed the alien's chest flutter and felt the pulse of his wrist. Okay. He was alive. Phew.

"Zephyr!?"

"Sorry," the vampire carried the Irken's body which was surprisingly light, stepping to the pod that the human was contained in. Wait. If he released the child, that means that the Irken would be captured, right? Wouldn't Dib kill him? Would he do something else..?

"Agh..! Come on, quit staring and press some buttons already! It should be the bright red one!"

No. He had witnessed what the child had packed into his bag on the way. Soda, handcuffs, some sort of taser.. Dib was here to capture the alien and only cause him harm. So, they really were enemies? Or something just seriously messed up that he was not getting?

"Zephyr," Dib clenched his teeth, eye twitching. "Please just press the-"

"No," the vampire interrupted, staring from the word that had pressed through his lips.

"No?" The human widened an eye. "Why wouldn't you-?" He gasped. "Don't tell me you were working for Zim this whole time! Please don't say that you were a decoy to get me captured! Oh, that rotten alien-!"

"I'm not a decoy," Zephyr narrowed his eyes. "But I'm not letting you go." He was shocked to hear his own bold words, not used to voicing his opinions one bit. Still, he went on. "I don't like how you're going after him like this."

"What?! No! Zephyr!" Dib clawed at the glass. "Please, don't do this to me! Don't do this to me!" the child cried, knowing this situation all too well. Why him?! Why did it always have to be him?! "You don't know what you're doing! Zim's race is BAD. B-A-D. They've wiped out thousands of galaxies! They destroy every enemy planet they touch!"

Zephyr does not wish to mess with an alien race, by any means. Especially one with that history – but this just felt right. "I'm sorry, but if this alien were actually evil, wouldn't he have taken over the planet already?"

"He IS evil! Listen to me! If it weren't for me, he would have already destroyed every last human on the face of the Earth! You have to let me go so I can defeat him! Please, vampire thing! I'm the world's only hope! You'll all die without me!"

The vampire let out a slow exhale, though it was only out of habit. Dead or alive, controlled breathing helped him time and time again. "Look, Dib, I'm really not into the whole, 'capturing the alien' idea, or doing whatever it is you do." Zephyr observed the alien in his arms with almost a sparkle of possession in his eyes, glancing back up to the contained child. "No offense, but I don't like you very much."

"Offense taken!" Dib clenched his fists. "Mark my words, vampire! You'll regret working with an Irken Invader! The next time you see me, I'll be after you both!"

"But I see you right now," Zephyr blinked. "And where did you draw that conclusion from? I never said anything about working with him."

"Well, if you're not with me, then you're against me!"

"Then everyone is against you," Zephyr deadpanned. "Ever wonder why no one is helping you?"

"Uh, yeah, because everyone is stupid and doesn't see things for what they truly are! Including moronic vampires!"

"I see everything perfectly," the pale creature studied. He was honestly sort of bluffing, but he couldn't stand down to the child now. "Zim's an alien who was sent here to destroy the planet.. and you're trying to kill him."

"Err.. Yeah, I guess that pretty much sums it up." Dib rubbed the back of his head. "But don't you get it?! He's not going to accept you, or let you help him!"

"I never SAID I was going to help him!" Zephyr snapped. "How many times do I have to repeat myself?!"

"Until you're fighting against him!" Dib pulled at his face in frustration. "Look! The longer we stand here fighting, the sooner Zim might wake back up! We have to act quickly!"

The vampire rolled his eyes, turning away from the human. "Good luck defending your planet from an all-powerful race of aliens. You're on your own there."

Dib glared at the back of Zephyr's head. Just goes to show that no paranormal creature can be trusted! That's the last time he ever dreams of teaming up with one! Well, besides partnering up with the ghost of Lincoln. That'll never change. He pulled himself down using the glass barrier, travelling to the bottom of the pod. Hey..! There was a panel in here! How did he miss that?!

The paranormal investigator peeked at the vampire who was exploring the room in fascination. He swiftly lifted the panel, ripping at any wire he could, hoping he would not end up foolishly blowing himself up by messing with the controls.

The child beamed as the liquid started to drain. Ha! Score one for the human race! He covered his mouth from the excited squeak, quietly stepping out of the opened tube. Dib leaped down to the alien floor, smirking as he swiped up his backpack. "Ha!" he shouted for attention, sprinting to the elevator and whipping around dramatically. "This isn't the last you'll see of Dib Membrane!"

Zephyr frowned, wondering how the child had possibly escaped the tube. Was it seriously that easy to escape such advanced technology? He thought it impossible. He watched the human laugh maniacally before disappearing.

Well, that sucks. He glanced down at the fainted Irken in his arms, then to the alien room of technology around him, as lost as ever.

Dib slammed the front door, taking a moment to observe its renewed state before he stomped on. "That vampire ditched me!"

"Well, what did you expect?" His sister lounged on the sofa, hammering the buttons on her console. "You scare everyone away."

"No, I don't! People just can't understand my motivation, Gaz!" Dib dropped his bag.

"Yeah. And they're scared."

"Whatever!" Dib huffed, cringing from the alien goo that had soaked into his clothes and hair.

"Son?"

"Dad?!" Dib immediately perked up, running to the basement doorway to find his father at the bottom of the steps. "Dad! You should have seen it! It was amazing! Zim fought this vampire I let into our house for some stupid reason and he won!" He hopped down the steps, nearly slipping from his wet clothes. "It was insane!"

Membrane chuckled as he patted his son's dripping hair. "It sure is, son. It sure is. Now go bathe yourself, Dib! We cannot appeal to the masses with you covered in some foreign slime like that!"

"We're going somewhere?" Dib tilted his head. "Just the three of us?!"

"Yes, and it's your turn to decide where we eat out. Now quickly! Before our thirty minutes of yearly family time is up!"

The child grinned, quickly bolting his way back up the staircase, stumbling the entire way.

"Nn.."

The vampire slowly lifted his head from the metal to the sound of a throaty groan. A crimson gaze met an indigo one.

"GYAH!" The Irken flinched from the vampire. "AHH!" He squirmed from the bonds. "RELEASE ZIM! RELEASE ZIM AT ONCE!"

The vampire hissed from the burst, cloak immediately wrapping around the alien's mouth. "Do you ever stop yelling?!"

The Irken shuddered in revulsion from the contact of the cloak to his tongue, gritting his teeth around the fabric. This dirty thing had been on the floor, and he dares put it in his amazing, clean mouth..!? Disgusting!

Zim put up even more of a fuss, trying to access his Pak, but his body strained against the metal each painful time his spine arched further.

"Just calm down!" Zephyr commanded, grabbing Zim's antennae like reigns.

The Irken blinked, immediately frozen in place.

"Look, your enemy or whatever he is to you escaped. I don't know if he's still here, wandering around, or actually left, but-" He cut himself off momentarily, trying to remember coherent speaking patterns. "I'm not here to hurt you, I swear."

Zim glared up at the creature, eyeing the arms over him, the black fabric at his mouth, and the bonds of his own experiment table. A very unbelievable thing, the vampire claimed. His gag reflex was kicking in..!

The vampire unhanded him, giving the Irken some space to breathe.

After his coughing fit, the Irken glowered with a burning passion. "You LIE, filthy vampire! You work with the Dib-human! This is a trick! You cannot fool ZIM!"

"I'm not tricking you," Zephyr defended, tempted to cover the Irken's mouth once more. Did he seriously have to yell? Is that how his race communicated? "And I'm not working with anyone! Everything is just happening too fast!"

Zim stared before his gaze narrowed dangerously. "I do not care what you say, body-sucking parasite! You weak-minded, porcupine-headed cow beast cannot understand what incredible powers you are messing with!"

"What in Sam Hill did you just say?" Zephyr stared, blinking at the alien.

"Whoever this Sam is with his hills of mystery fish, I will not tolerate you and your head of cotton swabs! Remove yourself from Zim's base immediately!"

The vampire only squinted, silent. "I'll pretend that made sense."

"Zim makes perfect sense!"

Zephyr puffed his cheeks. "Zim," he attempted, exhaling. His mouth was starting to move on its own. "What I'm trying to say, is.." His eyes wandered over the Irken's defensive gaze and skin. No ears. No nose. Those odd, but intriguing antennae. "I'm not going to get in your way of conquering – or, destroying – the planet. So, you don't have to worry about me. Really."

The alien puckered his lip as he studied closely. "Clearly I must! You have me stuck on this table!"

The vampire blinked before opening the hatch, watching the Irken move freely in confusion. "Like I said, I'm not here to hurt you. I was just curious. I mean, I have come across many things in my years, and I mean many things.. but never once an alien. I thought you were interesting."

The alien jumped down from the table, circling the creature. "Zim is interesting. However, now that you have freed me, I am going to see what your organs look like coming out of every orifice you contain."

Zephyr clutched his fists. "Don't you get it?!" He dodged a spider leg, weaving his way through the stabs. "I didn't kill you! I didn't bring you back to Dib's house like he wanted! I let you go!"

"Because you are obviously stupid, vampire! Now suffer the wrath of your future leader!" Zim danced with the creature around the room, swiping at him with every chance he got. "Quit moving!"

"I told you that I'm not here to fight!"

"LIES!"

Zephyr glared. "Fine! You want to fight?" His cloak spread to incredible lengths, consuming their surroundings. "Then fight me!"

Zim hissed as he was reeled in by the cloth, pushing back to keep away from the eyes and fangs in their now dark cavern. Mechanical legs whipped around frantically.

Zephyr forced the alien to face him, inches apart, seizing the robotic aid. "Enough!" he snapped.

The Invader squinted at the glowing eyes. Purple? Blue? Whatever colour they were! Unimportant! "You do not frighten me," he sneered.

"I'm not trying to frighten you," the vampire failed to blink. "I'm just trying to have a civil conversation." With an alien! "It's quite difficult when all you do is yell and ignore what I'm saying."

The Irken tilted his head, eventually evaluating the other's lack of pouncing. "You are not trying to hurt Zim?"

"No," the vampire confirmed. "I can't be any clearer. So, please, stop attacking me."

Zim looked this way and that, the light from his base hurting his ocular implants as the cloak opened back up. He watched the creature take a step back, cloak simply touching ground. "If you are not with the Dib-human, and you are not proposing a partnership, then why on Irk are you here in my base, hog-beast?!"

"I said I was curious," Zephyr narrowed an eye. This alien seriously did not listen. Yelled a lot, and never listened. Good combination. "I never met a creature from beyond before."

"Yes, yes, that is what they all say, and then KABLAM, they were a spy bent on destroying my mission!" Zim eyed the creature suspiciously. "And I have met thousands of species, things you would not even imagine!" He went quiet. "But never one of your species, I would think. Regardless, you are an Earthling. You are one in the same, so you are not important!"

"Those are the nicest words someone has ever said to me."

"Really?"

"No!" Zephyr stiffened, cloak bristling as much as his hair. "Just show me the way out, my curiosity is put to rest!"

"Well, you should still be curious! Zim is amazing, after all." The alien placed his hands behind his back. "But I suppose you may leave.. in exchange for your eyes."

"My eyes?!" Zephyr made a face. "Why do you want my eyes? I need them!"

"FINE! Have it your stinking way!" The Irken furrowed his brow to the trail of green pod juices reaching the elevator door. "Well? Come, beast of body fluids!"

The vampire pouted, following after to step into the tight space. "You say some really freaky things, you know that?"

The child was all smiles and rainbows as he practically skipped to their front door. "That was so cool! We should go there again every year!"

"Never again," Gaz hissed. "Never again will I go to the Haunted Waffle Hut.. Never!"

"Oh, come on, Gaz! It was fun! The employees were even dressed up like zombie ghosts! I mean, they looked more like copier machines in sheets, but - I think I even saw a real one in the girls' bathroom!"

"Son!" Membrane called from the car window. "You and your sister get straight to bed! None of your late night investigations! Our poor neighbors have called the police twice last week about your antics!"

The child in glasses turned away from the doorway as his sibling entered their dwelling. "But, dad! They're obviously hiding some sort of human-plant mutation in their basement! They have to be! Otherwise, why would they buy so much fertilizer but have the most hideous lawn on the block?! Where does all that plant food go, huh? Huh?!"

"Son..!" The professor warned, giving him his famous fatherly eye.

Dib frowned, disappearing inside the house, the door shutting.

Membrane sighed, shaking his head before nodded to the driver. The limo pulled away, window rolling up.

"No, no, no...!" Dib huffed, tired eyes every now and then losing focus on the bright screen before him. His room was dark – evidence of a deep, blue hue on the horizon. "Vampires don't sparkle! I mean, what kind of stupid idea is - 50,000 likes?!" he cried. "What is wrong with people?!"

The child sighed. If he was going to get help, then he had to do it properly. He clicked his way back to the SEN forums. Seventeen messages.. But he knew better. It was hate mail, and the occasional creepy love letter. I mean, not that he was complaining, but..

Dib's foot tapped at the covers behind him as he wrote out a new post on the vampire, and Zim, of course. He gave every detail that he could think of, his suspicions, his predictions. He ended the novel with his assigned agent name, exhaling as he double checked for grammatical error. "Should be good," he tried to convince himself. After all, it was.. well, early in the morning, and he knew he could not be fully functional enough to correct any possible mistakes in his writing. He would surely find them all tomorrow.

The young investigator finally posted it, then continued on with researching possible weaknesses. He needed that vampire out of the way. He saw how that thing could attack, and he would definitely not want to be on the receiving end of those fangs. If he were Zim in that fight earlier, he would have been a goner..!

He yawned, eyes getting increasingly heavy...

Ping!

Dib stirred slightly from the sound, furrowing his brow as he moved to get more comfortable. No matter how many times he had fallen asleep on his laptop, it never got any softer!

Ping... ping!

The child's eyes peeked open from the repetitive sound, tired gaze widening. There was a chat window in the corner of his screen. "Someone's talking to me?" he immediately shot awake to check the messages. No one ever talks to him!

'Hey.' 3:54 am

'You still awake?' 4:03 AM

'You needed help, right?' 4:05 AM

Dib stared at his laptop screen for mere moments before jumping onto the keyboard, fingers flying.

'Hey! I'm so sorry, I must have been more tired than I thought. But yes, I do! Are you an expert?' Dib immediately clicked through to the user's profile, however, there was no profile picture or any information on him, other than that he had joined four years ago. Birthday not displayed. No status posts or bio. The child was immediately suspicious.. Agent CrazyNomed was the only info available to him.

Ping!

Well, that was quick. He brought the chat window back up to read.

'Probably not an expert, but I have done some things. I've hunted ghosts, mostly. I'm actually still in the middle of an investigation.'

The child rubbed at a sleep-deprived eye under his glasses before readjusting them, fingers returned to the laptop. 'Really? That's cool! I've hunted ghosts myself. What investigation?'

It was a moment before the human physically saw the three dots of a message being written, excitement filling him from the interaction with another investigator who didn't immediately shoot him down.

'It's in Cape May. Ever hear of the Physick estate?'

Dib blinked. 'Like.. The Physick estat?

estate*, sorry.'

'Yup.' The agent responded, the dots popping up again. 'It's pretty cool. There's a bunch of serious ghost activity happening there, but it's been hard to investigate it properly. I have to break in after hours because they hold daily tours of the house. It sucks, but it's still cool.'

'I hear you. I really don't know why people turn everything into a joke like that. It's serious paranormal investigator business and they always have to turn it into a way to make money off of people!'

'I agree. Uh, so... you said you needed help? You claimed there's a possible vampire..? And are you serious about the alien? I saw your pictures, but they're all sort of taken from weird places. I can't really make them out.'

Dib huffed. That's because all of the actually GOOD pictures he takes, Zim manages to snag them from him! 'Sorry, yeah, I've been told that. But I am completely serious! I am not crazy! There's been an actual alien living here for who knows how long, and no one believes me! I can't take this stupidity anymore! He's so obviously an alien, and yet people are so oblivious! I mean, I've seen him out of his disguise, I've been in his base, I've frickin' been to outer space fighting him with planets as vessels!'

It was a long time before Dib saw the dots again. 'Wow. Uh..'

Dib cringed from the response, fingers attacking the keys. 'Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! Please don't go!' He waited, fidgeting as anxiety welled within him.

Dots.

The child bit his lip as they appeared.. Disappeared.. Reappeared..

'You didn't scare me. I want to help. So.. Should I call you Agent Mothman, or...?'

'Dib.' He immediately typed, eager for a companion that did serious investigations like him. 'And thank you, thank you, thank you! Um, what name do you prefer, if you don't mind me asking?'

The dots appeared. 'Drayne. Nice to meet you, Dib Membrane.'

The young investigator grinned, eyes sparkling.

Vampires are weak-minded, porcupine-headed cow beasts.

Invader ZIM signing off.