Three Sheets to the Wind

by Relena's Glam Squad

Disclaimer: This may or may not have been written while intoxicated.

Chapter Three: Drunken Antics

After Duo unpacked the assortment of food items he'd brought with him, the three gathered in the small kitchen around the table. The remains of several frozen pizzas lay on pans in the middle of the table. And because someone at Preventer thought it was a good idea to allow Duo in a grocery store unattended, he had procured several bottles of whiskey, in addition to the food.

The three had finished off the first bottle that Heero found, and they were deep into a second. Relena felt very warm and numb. She glanced across the table and saw Heero smirking. Duo was in the midst of a rendition of Hilde's response to Duo's proposal.

"Duo!" he screeched in a ridiculous falsetto. "We were going to wait until we were older! Do you even know what my mother is going to say?"

Somewhere in Relena's brain, she knew the story wasn't particularly funny, but she found herself laughing so hard that she pressed her hands to her chest, which was still in pain. Even Heero chuckled.

"So anyway, I managed to find her a ring that she didn't totally hate, and here we are," Duo finished. "Now if we could just get through all the planning shit without me losing my mind, I'd be a happy camper." He raised his half-full glass before draining it. "You are coming, right?"

Relena clasped a hand to her chest and opened her mouth to answer, before she realized Duo was addressing Heero. "I mean, you are the best man…"

"Interesting choice." Relena's hand clamped over her mouth. She hadn't meant to say that out loud. Heero just shrugged.

"I told you I'd think about it."

"Come on, dingbat! It's called RSVP for a reason, dude."

"And that is?" Heero arched a brow before taking another swig of whiskey.

"Um." Duo cast a helpless glance at Relena. "I dunno. It stands for something though, right?"

"I…" Relena tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I used to know." She turned her attention to Heero. "Are you really his best man? I thought you two lost touch."

Heero frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Ha!" Relena jabbed a finger at Duo's chest. "You were lying, weren't you?"

"Aw, shucks." Duo scratched the back of his head. "You made it sound like you hadn't heard from Heero in so long, I didn't want to make you feel bad…"

"Oh. My. God." Relena downed her glass before whirling at Duo. "You suck. You suck so much."

"Why would that make you feel bad?" Heero frowned at Relena.

"Heero, you idiot," Duo moaned.

Relena spread her palms up. "I had thought we formed some kind of friendship during the wars," she said. "And after we stopped Mariemaia, I never heard from you again." She noticed him gaping at her. "I admit, I haven't been holding up my end of the friendship, but you're not the easiest person to get a hold of."

"I…"

"And besides," Relena added haughtily, "there was that one time…"

"That one time?" Duo seized on the words, slapping the kitchen table. "Oh my God, what did you guys do? Please, tell me you boned." Relena shot him a glare.

"Of course not." She was referring to the one time Heero had kissed her unexpectedly, a memory she still held dear. It was, after all, her first - and only - kiss. She couldn't help but wonder if he'd done much kissing since then…

"Damn, I was positive something went down on Libra," said Duo.

"Libra?!" Relena screeched. "When would we have had time?"

"Pssh, you had plenty of time," Duo scoffed. "Couple of prudes…" He jerked a thumb at Heero. "Pretty sure this guy's still a virgin."

Heero just glared at his so-called friend. He turned his gaze back to Relena. "I don't have a justification for my absence," Heero admitted.

"Why am I not surprised?" Relena realized her hands were still in the air. She lowered them to her sides self-consciously.

"I wanted to contact you," he added.

"There ya go, Romeo." Duo clapped Heero on the back. He was met with a withering glare. "Whoa. Forget I said anything."

"Anyway," Heero continued. "I knew you had better things to do…"

He didn't get far before Duo hooted with laughter. "Get it?" The braided man shrieked.

"No…?" Maybe it was the whiskey, but Relena was confused.

"Remind me why you're here," Heero muttered to Duo.

"Sorry, bro," Duo said between laughs. "Totally cockblocking you, I know." Relena rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Let's fast forward, then. Tell me what happened today," she said, her hardened glare focusing on the two pilots. She saw them exchange glances. The mood in the room dampened.

"There's no simple explanation," Heero began, his hands circling his glass. Duo reached over and filled Heero's glass with more whiskey.

"A lot of luck, actually," Duo added, topping off his own glass. Relena held out her glass for a refill, and Duo obliged. "I was at the spaceport on Preventer business, but it was unrelated to Heero's mission."

"That's strange," Relena commented after taking a sip.

"I was there on a report of a potential drug smuggler," Duo said. "I had finished up with my search, and ran into you." Relena glanced to Heero.

"And you?"

"I was there on intelligence that a bomb might be smuggled onto your shuttle by a fringe group intent on harming or killing you," he said, his face darkening with a blush. "The bomb… it managed to make it through security without being detected. We thought we were clear."

Relena's mouth fell open. So rarely did Preventer mess up on a scale that large. Pieces of the day began to snap together in her mind.

"I met Duo by chance," she repeated. "I got held up talking to him. And I nearly missed boarding."

"Which was totally accidental," Duo jumped in. "I mean, I didn't even know you were gonna be there. Une had mentioned something about keeping an eye out, but-"

"That was my job," Heero said, jerking a thumb at Duo. "I didn't know he was there, either."

"Then where were you?" Relena wondered.

"Waiting to board your shuttle," Heero said, holding her gaze. "As a precaution."

"But why?" Relena wondered. "If you didn't think there was a bomb, why would you-"

"I had a hunch." Heero just shrugged. Relena closed her eyes and shook her head.

"But- all those other people…"

"I didn't know," Heero said quietly. "Believe me, if I had, I would have tried to do something. Once I was given the all-clear, I figured I would just follow the suspects to space, and see what happened."

"So, what, you weren't even going to tell me?" Relena threw up her hands as Heero shook his head. "Then what would have happened?"

"You would have gone on to your conference, and I would have gone back to work." He shrugged again. Relena sat back in her chair and dropped her hands into her lap. Through a series of coincidences, Relena had missed boarding her shuttle, avoided certain death, and ended up in a Preventer safe house with Heero and Duo, both of whom she hadn't seen in ages.

"This is just-"

Rapid gunfire interrupted her. With cries of alarm, Duo, Heero, and Relena all slipped from their chairs and hit the ground hard. The bottles of whiskey rattled on the table.

Bullets burst through the windows, lodging themselves in the walls. Duo army-crawled across the floor towards the front door.

"What are you doing?" Heero shouted at him.

"I want to see who is shooting at us!" Duo shouted back.

"You're going to get shot!" Relena and Heero yelled at the same time. Duo blanched.

"Right." Heero growled and pulled his pistol from his holster, which had been hidden by his jacket. Duo held his hands up. "Whoa, man. You're wasted. That is not a good idea!"

"You're even worse. What else are we supposed to do?" Heero asked. Duo shrugged.

"How did they find us?" Relena asked. The gunfire paused momentarily.

"They must have followed us," Duo said.

"Followed you," Heero said. "I didn't have a tail. Did you check your six?" Duo stared at Heero.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Did you make sure you weren't followed here?" Heero repeated, emphasizing each word.

"I mean, I assumed I wasn't." Heero looked at Duo as though he wanted to punch him.

Relena stood suddenly, startling both men. "If it's my life they want, they can take it." Duo and Heero exchanged glances before Heero reached over and grabbed Relena by the arm, tugging her back to the floor.

"Shut up," he glowered. "Don't be so stupid."

"You're stupid," she retorted.

"Guys, just bang it out already, seriously," Duo groaned.

"Shut up," Heero hissed at his fellow Preventer this time. "Listen."

"To what? I don't hear anything," Duo whined.

"Exactly. Why haven't they continued to fire at the house?" Heero asked.

"Well, it's made of bricks. Maybe they realized it was a dumb idea," Relena offered. Heero clapped his hand over her mouth, silencing her. She glared at him.

Outside the front door, they could hear many footsteps on the porch. A moment later, someone knocked.

"Anyone home?" came a voice from the other side.

Relena swung frightened eyes over to Heero. "They know we're here?" Her voice was muffled against his palm until he removed it.

"Why else would they be shooting at us? Those aren't Preventer agents out there," Heero replied.

"Both of you shuddup," Duo said. The person on the other side of the door knocked once more.

"This would be easier if you opened the door," the voice said. "We have the means to knock it down, but we might blow you up as well."

Relena opened her mouth to shout something back, but Heero clamped his hand over her mouth once more. She was tempted to bite his hand in protest, but managed to resist.

"Fine. We'll do this the hard way," the voice called.

Tense silence followed. Heero pointed towards a side door and gestured with his chin. As silently as possible, they began to crawl towards the side door. Heero pulled his phone from his pocket, and with apparent difficulty, typed a text message. The tension in the farmhouse rose with each passing second. Duo was about to reach for the doorknob of the side door when he froze. The three glanced up at the glass window that made up half of the door.

A face peered down at them.

Heero whipped his gun up towards the window and fired two shots. The glass of the window shattered and the face disappeared. "Just go!" he shouted.

"We'll be completely exposed!" Duo shouted back.

"Time's up," the voice shouted on the other side of the door.

Heero threw himself over Relena just as an explosion went off at the front of the house. Bricks flew in all directions, glass and wood shattered, and the beams holding the house together began to crack.

Duo picked himself up and kicked open the side door, shattering the wood frame around the lock. Heero rose and dragged Relena up with him. The three stumbled through the door and out into the dirt clearing surrounding the house.

The man who had appeared in the window was lying on the ground, moaning in pain, his hands pressed to the top of his skull. It appeared at least one of Heero's bullets had grazed him. Another explosion rocked the house, and the roof began to cave.

Heero led the way to the back of the house. The chicken coop wasn't far away, but from their vantage point, they couldn't see their attackers.

"Wait here," Heero said, and moved off towards the opposite corner of the house. He leaned around the corner, but popped back around, his shoulders flat against the wall. Another explosion went off. Relena and Duo threw themselves away from the house, while Heero dropped into a roll and sprang back up on his feet a few meters away.

"Stay down," Heero yelled out instructions to Relena and Duo as he darted off around a corner. Duo looked doubtfully at Relena.

"Man, I don't know about that guy." Relena shushed him.

"It's Heero. He'll know what to do."

"Sure, sure," Duo lamented in a sing-song voice. "Heero Yuy, Gundam Pilot Zero One extraordinaire, would. Heero Yuy, Preventer Agent, even. But Heero Yuy, drunk off his ass? Color me skeptical."

"Well, you're just as drunk, but I don't see you helping," Relena pointed out.

"I'm keepin' you safe, little missy!" Duo huffed. "Not like you can point a gun…"

"Oh, can't I?!" Relena reached out to Duo's waist and pulled his pistol from the holster on his hip. Duo jumped back, hands spread in front of him. Relena rolled her eyes and took off after Heero.

"Hey, wait! Princess!"

Relena rounded the corner of the house and skidded to a halt in the dirt. Heero was crouched behind a pile of rubble, looking up at the sky. Relena could hear the distant sound of helicopter blades slicing through the air. Heero glanced back at her, saw the gun in her hands, and stared at her.

"Why do you-"

"Duo claimed I couldn't shoot a gun," Relena said with a shrug. Heero opened his mouth, but Relena screamed, "DUCK!"

She squeezed the trigger. The bullet lodged in the shoulder of the man that had appeared on the other side of the rubble pile. He let out a cry and dropped to the ground. Heero whirled around, his eyes wider in surprise than Relena had ever seen them.

"Damn, girl," Duo said, having joined them on the side of the house.

Around the front of the house, they could hear people shouting at each other. Car doors began to slam. The three exchanged glances. Relena handed the gun back to Duo and allowed the two trained Preventers to lead the way to the front yard. She followed behind, anger building inside.

Two dark colored SUVs that were not Preventer-issued were parked in the front of the house. The attackers scrambled inside to escape. Before they could get away, Heero and Duo fired shots, blowing the tires. The SUVs slumped to the ground on the rims. After a beat, one man slipped out from the passenger seat and turned.

The Preventer helicopter grew larger in the sky, rapidly approaching the farmhouse.

Relena stared at the man who had climbed out of the SUV. Heero and Duo trained their guns on him.

"Minister Barnell?" Relena cried out. Heero and Duo glanced back at her.

"You know him?" Duo asked.

"Our offices are next to each other at the ESUN building," Relena said.

"I do not understand, Minister Darlian, how you've managed to slip through our fingers twice in one day," Minister Barnell said, walking a few steps closer to where Heero and Duo stood. They pointed their guns at his head once more. He stared at them with a critical eye. "And if I'm not mistaken… all three of you appear to be inebriated."

"Pfft," Duo said, but that only confirmed Minister Barnell's guess.

The Preventer helicopter hovered overhead and slowly lowered to the ground. Bright spotlights shone over the area. The door slid open, where Une, Sally Po and Wufei Chang appeared. Several other Preventer agents jumped out as the helicopter landed. Heero and Duo lowered their guns as the agents converged on Barnell and his associates.

Une jumped from the helicopter and strode over to Relena, Heero, and Duo. "How on Earth did this happen?" she asked, simultaneously incredulous and shocked.

"Duo was followed here," Heero accused.

"Heero had to be a hero," Duo said.

"They're both useless," Relena said.

Une frowned, her brown eyes glinting in the low light. "What is wrong with you three?" she demanded. They exchanged glances, but no one answered her. She put her hands on her hips. "Fine. Don't answer. We'll discuss it later at HQ," she said and stalked off.

They grinned sheepishly at each other. Duo holstered his gun and followed after Une, as if he had the capacity to be productive.

Relena made to follow after Duo, but was halted by someone grabbing her arm. More specifically, Heero grabbing her arm. She whirled on him, startled by the sudden contact.

"Heero-"

"Useless, huh?" He frowned down at her, his eyes burning.

"I-I didn't mean…" she slurred, feeling uneven on her feet. "Heero, I-"

Before she could get any more words out, his mouth descended on hers in a sloppy kiss. Relena couldn't help but kiss him back, finally breaking away after what felt like several minutes. She was surprised to see a smirk on his face.

"What is happening?" She touched her lips gingerly. "Is this a dream?"

"No." Heero's hands snatched her waist. "But I can help you be sure…"

Relena laughed, resting her hands on top of his. "I'm not sure what's crazier, you kissing me out of the blue, or the fact that we neutralized a threat, intoxicated."

He frowned. "I'm not drunk."

Relena threw her head back and laughed. "Sure, Heero. Whatever you say."

His frown deepened. "I'm not that drunk…"

"Right," Relena managed between giggles. His breath told a different story. "Like you would just grab me and kiss me, otherwise?"

Heero's eyes glimmered. "I have before, haven't I?" Relena's breath caught as he grasped her face with both hands and captured her lips in another kiss. She reached up and ran her fingers through his unruly hair, wanting nothing more but to keep going, but eventually had to break for air.

"CPR doesn't count, you know." She jabbed a finger into his chest. He smiled.

"I wasn't counting it."

"Not to mention, we have a lot of catching up to do." She glared up at him expectantly.

"Yuy!" Wufei's stern voice sliced through their banter from several meters away. "Hurry up, asshole!"

"Yeah, get in the choppah!" Duo waved gleefully from inside the helicopter. Heero rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Chang. We're coming." He turned back to Relena and reached for her hand. She laced their fingers together as they ambled toward the driveway.

"You can make out with your girlfriend after we clean up the shitstorm you left us," Wufei growled as they got closer.

"Girlfriend?" Relena looked up at Heero and smiled playfully. She knew the term would rattle him. He glanced down at her quickly before returning his gaze to the chopper.

"Relena…"

"Look, I don't care what you call me." She gave his hand a squeeze. "Just promise me you're not going to disappear again." He looked down again at her, and this time, gave her a rare smile. She smiled triumphantly back at him, feeling as if she had gained the upper hand.

Heero's lips twitched. "Not without you."

"I knew it..." Relena smirked. "You are drunk."

The End

Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Your comments and encouragements are greatly appreciated!

-Relena's Glam Squad