The first scene in this story takes place during season 16, episode 10's "Forgiving Rollins", when Amanda is leaving Dr. Lindstrom's office without staying for her referral appointment, and is my version of what happens from that point on between Olivia and Amanda. I wanted Olivia to be much more compassionate in that episode!

Trigger warnings for mentions of rape.

Noah and Frannie do not exist in this story.

xxx

"Hey, sugar, how about a smile, huh?"

"C'mon, girl, it can't be that bad."

It's the rough male voices that catch Olivia Benson's attention as she crosses the street near Dr. Lindstrom's office on that chilly January evening, and for a split second she thinks the men are speaking to her and is about to snap back a snarky retort, when she realizes that the object of their focus is not she herself, but another woman who is striding quickly away from them down the sidewalk. She recognizes her colleague instantly, Amanda Rollins looking for all the world like she is trying to escape into the gloom when she should be inside the building at a referral appointment with Olivia's therapist, instead of fleeing into the darkness like she appears to be doing.

Olivia's head is cocked to the side in confusion as she watches the younger woman hurry away, Amanda's chin slumped down toward her chest and hands tucked into her pockets, long blonde hair flying out behind her. The construction workers continue to hurl insults at the detective, and this time Olivia does sneer at them, telling the men in no uncertain terms to shut the hell up and keep their nasty comments to themselves, which only earns her a round of snickers and another slew of inappropriate remarks. Instead of choosing to engage in more pointless conversation with them, their combined attention now directed solely on her instead of her co-worker, she yells Amanda's name and follows swiftly in her wake, trying to catch up to the smaller woman before she disappears into the night.

Amanda stops dead in her tracks and whirls around, eyebrows lifting in apparent surprise to see Olivia suddenly standing there before her, the younger woman looking remarkably like a deer caught in the headlights, and Olivia's heart clenches when she sees the glint of tears trailing a pathway down her colleague's cheeks. The stunned expression is instantly replaced with a scowl, Amanda roughly swiping an arm across her face and taking a small step backwards.

"What are you doing here, Sergeant?" Her subordinate's voice is low and gravelly, shaking slightly with emotion, a distinctive undercurrent of anger lacing her tone. "Are you spying on me or something? It's not enough that you made me make an appointment with your therapist, but now you're checking up on me to see if I've gone?"

Olivia stands there in silence for several seconds, reaching out a hand to the detective as Amanda takes another step away from her, the younger woman jerking her arm out of Olivia's reach before she can make any kind of physical contact. She doesn't respond to Amanda's accusations right away, momentarily at a loss on how to answer, because she knows what this looks like; showing up uninvited at the other woman's appointment instead of giving her the space she deserves, and without even asking first, but it had not been Olivia's intention to invade Amanda's privacy. She had known that Dr. Lindstrom had some time available that evening, as she and the therapist had been trying to come up with an appropriate time to set up her own appointment, so the time of Amanda's appointment had not been a secret.

After the younger woman had left her office earlier that day, she had been unable to get Amanda out her mind; her colleague constantly dominating her thoughts when they should have been fixed on their current caseload, devastated on behalf of the other woman, for the hell she had been through five years prior in Atlanta and the hell she was going through now with the trial, images of Deputy Chief Charles Patton and Olivia's own personal demon, William Lewis, swirling around inside of her brain and mixing together in a dizzying array of disturbing images. After wrestling internally with herself for quite some time, she had ultimately made the decision to tell Amanda that she would accompany her to the appointment if she needed someone by her side, as the other woman had seemed so reluctant to go.

Things hadn't gone according to plan, though, and Olivia had ended up being completely wrapped up in an important phone conversation when Amanda had left the precinct at the end of the day and headed straight to the doctor's office, and she hadn't gotten a chance to suggest that she come along as well, to keep the other woman company. The discussion on the phone had ended shortly afterwards, and her new plan had been to meet Amanda at the therapist's office, figuring she could at least try to offer her colleague some emotional support before her appointment, but that plan had been dashed as well, as she had received another call directly on the heels of the one she had just finished. By the time Olivia had made it over to the office, her new and final plan was to wait outside for her subordinate; to offer Amanda a hand to hold and a listening ear if she was upset, but she hadn't expected to see the younger woman escaping the building when she had finally arrived.

"Well, it looks to me like you didn't go," Olivia says very gently in response to Amanda's comments, striving to keep any and all judgment out of her voice, even though she feels a hint of disappointment that Amanda likely hadn't seen Dr. Lindstrom at all, apparently choosing to leave before even speaking to the therapist and therefore not getting the referral that she is guessing the other woman desperately needs.

"So?" Amanda snaps back. "So what if I didn't go? What business is it of yours? I don't owe you anything, Olivia. Just butt out, okay? Stop following me and just leave me the hell alone."

Olivia regards the blonde detective in brief silence, refusing to be pushed away despite the other woman's standoffish attitude and bitter tone of voice. Amanda's shoulders are hunched up around her ears, hands shoved even deeper into the pockets of her winter jacket, long hair whipping around her head in the cold wind, and the uncharacteristic vulnerability of her tough-as-nails colleague causes a profound ache of empathy to grow inside her chest. She reaches out a somewhat hesitant hand again, laying gloved fingers gently against the smaller woman's arm and squeezing soothingly.

"It's okay to be angry," Olivia says quietly.

"I'm not angry," Amanda growls back instantly. "I'm just...I'm just..."

"You're just what?" Olivia prompts softly, hand still resting comfortingly on her co-worker's arm.

Amanda appears to be at a loss for words for a moment, her mouth turning down at the corners, and when she speaks again, the smaller woman's voice is strained, breaking slightly on the sparse words. "I'm just...sad," she admits in a whisper.

The ache residing inside of Olivia's chest has now grown to encompass her entire body as she gazes down at her colleague, the other woman looking tiny and forlorn in front of her, shivering in the frigid winter air, and she suddenly has the urge to close the small gap between them and wrap Amanda up in a tight embrace. She resists that urge, however, assuming the gesture would not be appreciated in the younger woman's current raw, emotional state, and because Amanda has never been much for physical affection, and instead settles for giving her arm another squeeze, hand lingering for a long moment before reluctantly pulling away.

"I know you're sad, Amanda," she says in a low voice, trying to maintain eye contact with the other woman, but her colleague's head is hanging down now, mussed blonde hair obscuring part of her facial features and making it difficult for Olivia to see her expression. "It's perfectly understandable and it's okay to be sad, too. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Like what?" Amanda murmurs, still not looking up.

"Like listen," Olivia suggests gently. "If you want to talk, I mean. I'm a very good listener." She pauses briefly, tilting her head to the side, still trying to catch the other woman's eye, but the detective's gaze remains stubbornly lowered. "Do you want to go somewhere and talk?"

"Not if it's going to be the equivalent of another therapy session," Amanda mutters. "I'd rather just go home, if you don't mind."

"The equivalent of a therapy session you didn't bother attending?" Olivia questions softly, watching her co-worker's head droop down even lower in response. "We don't have to talk, if you don't want to, but I'd rather not leave you alone right now. I don't really feel comfortable with that, when you're so obviously upset."

"I'm fine, I'll get over it. It doesn't even matter," Amanda replies with a flippant wave of her hand, voice so low that Olivia has to strain to hear what the other woman is saying over the howling of the wind that is rapidly picking up strength and causing a violent shiver to suddenly run from head to toe, but she is unsure if her body's reaction is due to the cold or what the younger woman has just said.

"You'll get over it? Just like that?" she asks quietly, one eyebrow arching in response, ducking down slightly to try and get a look at the blonde detective's face, but Amanda seems more determined than ever not to meet her gaze. "And I think it matters, Amanda. It matters a lot."

"I got over what happened back in Atlanta, and I can get over this too," her colleague mumbles resolutely. "The trial will be done soon enough, and Patton will be gone, and then everything will go back to normal, like it never even happened. It's not that big a deal."

"Is that so?" Olivia answers gently, doing everything she possibly can now to keep herself from touching Amanda, because the other woman's softly uttered statement is breaking her heart, but the blonde detective is so clearly wishing that she was absolutely anywhere but here, so she refrains from making any movements toward her. "Like it never even happened, huh?"

"That's right," Amanda says, her voice more firm now, and Olivia rubs a tired hand over her mouth for a moment, trying to choose her next words very carefully.

"I don't think it's that simple, Amanda. I think you have to deal with things first before trying to put them behind you."

"It's that simple for me," the younger woman insists stubbornly, still staring at the ground. "It's always been that simple."

"Has it?" Olivia murmurs softly, still trying in vain to catch her colleague's eye. "Why don't I believe you?" she adds, noticing the sharp flinch of the detective's body as she speaks.

"I'm not asking you to believe me, Olivia," Amanda snaps back. "Believe what you want, I really don't care." The younger woman heaves a disgruntled sigh, glancing surreptitiously from side to side now, like she is discreetly looking for some way to back gracefully out of this conversation and continue on with her escape. "Are we done here?"

"No, we're not done here," Olivia replies, voice taking on a somewhat sterner tone as she intently observes the other woman's body language, noticing the extreme shuddering of Amanda's small frame and the way the blonde detective is twisting her hands repeatedly around one another, apparently having decided against wearing gloves in this frigid winter air, and she thinks how cold her co-worker must be. "I told you that I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone right now."

"You know you're only my boss at work, right?" Amanda mutters in response. "You can't dictate what I do outside of the precinct, Olivia; whether or not I go to a therapy appointment and whether or not I have to stand here and have this pointless discussion with you. I'm free to do whatever I damn well please."

There is complete silence between them for a long moment, Olivia regarding her colleague more intensely now and attentively observing her behavior; the shaking of Amanda's limbs becoming more pronounced and the smaller woman keeping her face steadfastly averted, huddling into herself as if in shame, the harsh words she has just spoken not matching her actions.

"Okay," Olivia finally concedes softly, when the quiet continues to stretch out between them, and she holds her hands up in front of her in a gesture of surrender, even though Amanda's gaze is still fixed firmly on the icy sidewalk, the younger woman still refusing to make eye contact. "You're right, Amanda. You're free to do whatever you please, and I should just leave you alone, if that's what you really want. I'm sorry."

Her response is met by more silence, Olivia fully expecting the detective to just turn on her heel and march away into the night without uttering another word, finally free of her sergeant's probing questions, but Amanda remains right where she is, head tilting slightly to the side as if suddenly undecided about what she wants to do. Olivia is quiet, waiting to see how the younger woman is going to respond, and hoping Amanda will ultimately decide to take her up on her offer, the worry and empathy she is feeling for the detective drowning out any other thought in her mind.

"So if we go somewhere, I have the option of just sitting there and not talking?" her colleague finally asks skeptically. "You're not going to try and force me into another awkward conversation, like the one we're having right now?"

"I would never force you to do anything that you don't want to do," Olivia assures her gently, privately admitting that just sitting there and not saying a word to each other will likely be even more awkward and uncomfortable than the discussion they are currently having, but choosing not to put a voice to her thoughts. "I just want to make sure you're okay." She pauses briefly. "So, what do you say? Do you want to spend some time together?"

Amanda shrugs in response, breath hitching slightly in her throat, and it sounds like the younger woman is trying to stifle a sudden sob. The blonde detective reaches up to cover her face with her hands, and Olivia steps forward, realizing that she is invading the smaller woman's personal space but unable to just stand back and do nothing when her colleague looks as if she is on the verge of a breakdown. She grasps lightly onto Amanda's wrists, thumbs stroking delicately along the back of her bare hands, trying to get the other woman to lower her arms. Her colleague looks diminutive and fragile, so unlike her usual self, and although she is the smallest and youngest member of the squad, she more than makes up for it with her personality and attitude and resilience, and it hurts Olivia deeply to see Amanda acting this way, so broken down and defeated.

"Come on, honey," she urges softly, the pet name slipping out before she can stop it, rubbing Amanda's hands briskly between her own to try and infuse them with some heat. "Let's get out of the freezing cold and go somewhere nice and warm. Is that okay with you?"

Amanda shrugs again, but this time she raises her head a minuscule amount, looking up at Olivia through long lashes, her lower lip caught between her teeth. "Where do you want to go?" she mumbles reluctantly.

Olivia smiles gratefully at the smaller woman, relief spreading through her at Amanda's apparent agreement. "I know just the place," she replies warmly, and watches the corner of her colleague's lip quirk up in the barest hint of acknowledgment. "We can get a hot drink and just relax for a little while. It's not too far from here, so we can walk. What do you say?" Her eyebrows are raised hopefully as she awaits a response, and Amanda holds her gaze for a long moment before shrugging for a third time.

"Sure," the smaller woman whispers, voice sounding slightly choked up, and Olivia decides to take a chance, slowly reaching over to hook her arm through Amanda's.

To her complete surprise, the blonde detective doesn't pull away, instead choosing to snuggle in closer to Olivia's body, and they head off into the night, side by side and arm in arm, heads bowed down together against the stiff winter wind.