Mild TW: disordered eating habits

…

When Regina realized that Emma was serious, she went limp and pulled her hands away from Emma's shoulders covering her face as she started to break down. She hated feeling pressured and she didn't know what to say. She wished she could answer such a simple and straight forward question as Emma had asked. Why didn't she just fucking eat?

"Oh no, Regina, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to upset you," Emma moved off of her immediately and reached gently to take Regina's hands from her face. "Look at me. Just talk to me—I care about you and I want to help you."

Regina opened her eyes and found Emma staring back at her with a genuine expression of concern as she lightly traced her thumb over the back of her hands in soothing circles. With Emma looking at her in such a supportive and non-judgmental was, Regina really did want to express how she was feeling.

It took a minute for her to find her words, she opened her mouth once and nothing came out, but then she tried again and admitted more to Emma than she had to anyone else, "I'm afraid to eat… thinking about food makes me feel anxious and guilty. It's stupid, I know…" She closed her eyes again, her cheeks felt blisteringly hot.

She braced herself for Emma to start laughing at her, and call her names to validate her growing feelings of worthlessness. She was sure that Emma would respond just as her mother always had, and tell her to grow up and do what she had to in order to be successful. Regina's mother had an unnatural drive to be the best and take whatever steps necessary in order to take control and gain power. She didn't factor in Regina's humanity into her equations, and expected her doctor to neglect her basic needs in order to be 'better' than the rest.

"Regina, you're not alone, tell me what I can do to help you heal," Emma pleaded in a soft voice. She looked like she was about to cry.

Regina's defense mechanisms kicked in immediately, the niggling sense of distrust that she felt about nearly everyone kicked in. On cue, all of her paranoia flashed rapid fire through her mind: Emma was working for Gold; she wanted her to fail…

"How would you know what I'm feeling?" she barked, but it came out in a broken whisper.

Emma didn't get defensive, she didn't say anything. Instead of getting up, kicking Regina out or yelling at her, she pulled her close and hugged her tight.

"I think I told you before that when I was young, I was heavier, but then I discovered volleyball and got super active. I replaced my excess fat with muscle and became an athlete."

"But you've never had this kind of pressure," Regina mumbled, her head was starting to hurt. This reaction didn't compute, but she didn't struggle. She relaxed and allowed Emma to hold her.

"There's a huge difference between high school sports and elite competitive volleyball. When I started volleyball in college, I was on scholarship. I felt a tremendous pressure to excel. Scholarship was the only way I could attend college. I ended up turning professional in beach volleyball and didn't finish, but I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without that opportunity," Emma continued to explain. Regina could feel her start to get emotional and twisted in her arms to face her. She looked at her in confusion, brow furrowed.

"My coach told me that if I could just lose three more pounds I'd be able to jump so much higher and block those balls that flew high over the net…but I didn't stop there, I figured if three pounds was good six was better and losing twelve pounds would really make me fly."

Emma paused for a moment, she appeared lost in the memory and then she shook her head and finished explaining, "I stopped following my coach's program—I stopped drinking protein shakes and eating healthy. I basically just stopped eating, because I figured that would be the easiest way to cut the weight."

"But it didn't work?" Regina could tell where this was going. Emma was clutching her now, not out of comfort, but out of need—like she was an anchor she needed to gather her strength and tell this story.

"No…at first my coach was pleased, he could tell I was lighter and faster, but after a few weeks of barely any calories I started to slow down—I was exhausted, my body wouldn't do what it used to do. It was like the opposite of high school where I gained muscle, now my muscle was literally being eaten by my body for fuel. I almost ended up in the hospital."

Regina nodded and took her turn, consoling Emma, hugging her in understanding. Still, it was one thing for an athlete not to eat and underperform, in Hollywood it was the skinnier the better. Regina wanted a tiny body where she could fit into any designer's gowns with ease and look perfect for the public.

"I know you're thinking it's not the same- but those thoughts and feelings that go through your mind when you get into that state of feeling like it's a sense of accomplishment when your stomach growls," Emma took a deep breath. "I got so that I was afraid to eat; I felt out of control when I gave in to that weakness and ate anything. I realized I was sick, and it took a long time to get out of that mindset, but I saw my dreams dying before my eyes. I finally decided that I wanted a healthy, strong body that ran on good foods for fuel."

Nodding silently, Regina could relate to some of those feelings, and she felt Emma's pain astutely as if it were her own. "Sometimes when I'm angry with myself—or someone else, like if I lose out on a part or blow an audition, I won't eat. It's my way of getting even or punishing myself. I know it's not rational, but it helps ease that gnawing voice inside that always tells me that I'll never be good enough."

"You are good enough, Regina. You don't need any sort of external validation to know that," Emma squeezed her again, hugging fiercely and Regina knew her face was red and tears were spilling down her cheeks, but she didn't want to give up this feeling.

She couldn't remember the last time she had not only opened to anyone, but allowed someone to get close to her physically or emotionally. With Emma, it felt different than other times she had attempted to get close to a co-star or someone in the business. It always felt fake and it usually was, but Emma hit a deep chord within her, and she felt, for once, safe.

"We'll get you through this, I promise? You'll heal, Regina, do you hear me?" Emma pleaded with her. And Regina nodded silently. She didn't trust her voice at this point not to start sobbing, but still after their talk, ironically, she felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

Without any more words to exchange, the two women stayed interconnected on Emma's couch, while Dr. Oz continued to talk about the best weight loss supplements on the market today in front of his studio audience.

The problem was that it felt almost too good for sweet, loving, non-judgmental Emma snuggling her, and Regina realized she couldn't keep taking up the other woman's time and attention. It was pathetic as her mother would quick to point out. Emma was already doing enough for Regina, and to rely on her for close emotional support was downright greedy.

She untangled herself from Emma's embrace, and sat back on the couch, springing to her feet to put some distance between them so she wouldn't be tempted to dive back down there on top of her and get another blessed hit of Emma's tender loving care.

"I need to go," Regina shuffled awkwardly at the foot of the couch. Her makeup was smeared and her face was red. She couldn't bring herself to look Emma in the eye.

Emma pouted and crossed her arms, "You just got here, and I cleared my whole day to hang out with you."

"You cleared your whole day, because you were afraid that if I drop dead hours after leaving your fitness facilities, you'll be faced with a lawsuit and a lot of bad press," Regina sassed. She knew how unfair she was being to Emma, but it was important that she recover that precious distance that she needed to feel balanced again. Emma made her feel so off kilter, always. She had to put up a wall, thicker than Trump's proposed plan for the border.

"Well then, if you want to leave, and that's how you feel—even after all of this," Emma waved her hands back and forth between them, and Regina realized she'd struck a nerve and Emma felt rejected. "I'm not going to stop you, you can call an Uber to go home. I'll go back to work and train my new client—by the way, Gold sent her to me, she's from your studio."

The internal sense of panic started, but Regina was well practiced and very good about keeping her emotions in check. Her face remained a placid, calm surface while her insides were all crashing waves and high winds. "Oh, Maleficent, yes, I'm familiar with her."

"Well, does she have a part in some new movie I haven't heard about yet?" Emma asked, but before Regina could answer, she continued. "Never mind, I guess I should just ask her."

Regina had to bite her lip and search her bag for her phone. She couldn't call an Uber fast enough. It was a sad state of affairs when she had to internally remind herself that Emma was not only hers. She did have other clients. This was just a test from Director Gold. Maleficent was still the backup plan, in case Regina didn't perform, and she knew that meant private meetings with Gold, not just losing a bit of belly fat.

That was the killer. This whole evil cycle—as she'd aged a bit and her metabolism wasn't what it used to be, it was harder to starve the weight off. Each time she'd go on a crash diet she'd lose weight sure and be so hungry and weak by the end of a grueling shooting schedule she could barely function.

But afterwards, she'd reward herself by bingeing like an animal on all the treats and foods she'd been deprived of for however long. It went on like that, but the weight came back easily and became more difficult to drop. The sad truth that when stress presented itself in her life- and she had a lot of it—the more she looked at food to cope with issues she had regarding control.

"Emma, on second thought," Regina's fingers twitched over the button on her Uber app, "I think it might be better—for me, if um…you would stay here. I'm still not feeling one hundred percent yet."

"Oh," Emma stared at her trying to figure out why Regina was such a conundrum.

The funny thing was that Regina had not meant to say any of that. Her mouth sort of took over, and instead of demanding that Emma drive her back to her car, she begged her personal trainer to let her stay and hang out for the rest of the afternoon. She was clearly not thinking straight. This was so stupid.

"Yeah, I mean…I already changed my plans, Regina. I want you to stay," she admitted, and it looked like Emma was having just as hard a time controlling her emotions around Regina as she was with Emma. She pointed at the TV and smiled, "I think The People's Court is on after Dr. Oz, want to watch with me?"

Regina put her bag back down on the coffee table and sat down on the very far end of the couch. She wanted to be close to Emma again, but the moment had passed and she didn't have an excuse to cuddle with her anymore.

"I do love Judge Marilyn Millan…She makes sense," Regina commented as the familiar theme music began to play and the defendants entered the TV court room. Regina looked over at Emma, stealing a glance and she felt her heart thud in her chest at the sight of her sitting on the couch watching daytime television. She'd have to face her issues sooner than later, but for now she felt content sitting with Emma and waiting to see the judge decide if the dog groomer showed negligence to the plaintiff's shih Tzu for giving it a shameful looking haircut.

Regina was so engrossed in the program, that she missed a call from Gold.