Going slow

"Will you put your plate in the dishwasher please?" Maura answers her daughter's question about leaving the table.

Elise slides off her chair and does as her mother asked, closing the dishwasher a little too harsh.

"Gently!" Maura sighs. "She never learns." She sips from her wine and nods at Jane's plate. "You're not eating."

"I'm not hungry."

"Jane…"

"Mommy!"

"I'm talking to Mama right now, sweetheart-…"

"Can I watch TV?" Elise hops towards the remote.

"Yes, you can."

The TV flashes on and an insane amount of sound fills the room. "Not so loud, Elise!"

"I can't find the button!" the girl struggles with the remote and Maura jumps up from her chair.

"My goodness," she turns the volume down, "who watches TV at this volume?" She shakes her head, turns on the kids channel for her daughter and kisses the girl's forehead before settling her on the couch.

"It helps to clear my mind," Jane moves her vegetables around on her plate. "Sorry, I forgot to turn it back down."

Maura sighs and moves her chair closer to her wife, sitting down while gently combing her fingers through dark curls. "As long as it keeps you from that wall." She presses her lips against the brunette's temple. "You should eat more, Jane. You've lost weight."

"I don't think this will help me gain it," she mumbles while staring at the pieces of cauliflower.

"Nutrients, Jane."

She nods and brings a bite to her mouth, chewing slowly. "Y'know, I kinda missed your healthy superfood meals when I was over there." She smirks slightly, pain of memories yet again visible in her eyes.

Maura chuckles as her arm moves around her wife's shoulders. "Believe it or not, I missed your beer in the fridge too."

"You didn't have beer while I was gone?" Jane furrows her brow. "What did you give Frankie?"

"Oh, he drinks wine."

"Wow, didn't see that coming…"

Maura smiles as she moves herself closer towards her wife. "Family dinners were quiet without you," she whispers.

"Quiet? My family?"

"Everything is quiet without you." She wraps her arms tighter around Jane's shoulders and takes a deep breath while the brunette slowly keeps eating, the sound of the television softly playing in the background.

After a few moments of silence, Jane puts her fork down and sighs. Maura pushes the plate away and kisses her wife's temple, whispering, "I'm proud of you."

"For eating my vegetables?" Jane smirks and turns her head, her forehead touching the blonde's.

"Yes," Maura chuckles, "that, and everything else. For being so strong."

"Strong? Maura-…"

"Strong. For letting me in. Allowing yourself to feel."

Jane doesn't reply. She just lowers her head and turns sideways in her chair. "C'mere," she mumbles without making eye contact, pulling the smaller woman into her lap. Maura eagerly wraps herself around her wife, her head resting into the crook of her neck.

"What are you thinking, my love?" Maura whispers.

She stays silent for a while, contemplating what to say until she sighs and wraps her arms tighter around her lover's waist. "When I close my eyes-… I-… I see…"

She doesn't speak further and Maura waits patiently for her wife to open up.

"It's like I'm over there again. I see Naj-… Her eyes."

Maura just nods, moving her head away to be able to look at Jane. "You're not there anymore."

"I know." She moves her arms even tighter around the doctor's waist. "This-… You remind me."

Their foreheads rest together as Maura's hand gently caresses her cheek. She thinks back to a few nights ago when she had taken a lot of work home with her and Jane had already gone to bed while she kept on working in her study. It led to a panic attack. A bad one. Jane needed her wife to sleep next to her, to be absolutely sure she was back home.

"Jane," Maura whispers carefully, "I'm going to suggest something but please don't get mad-…"

"I don't want to go to therapy, Maura."

"It could help you. Jane," she interrupts her wife when she starts to protest, "you've been through so much. You've been traumatized-…"

"Stop, I know."

"I'm just saying... You've been through hell. Hell. I can't even imagine the things you've seen, the things you've felt." A tear trickles down Jane's cheek and Maura gently wipes it with her thumb. "Maybe you just need a little help processing everything."

"I don't want to be forced to talk to a stranger about what I've been through."

Maura sighs. "It's not forced, you can share whatever you want."

Jane shakes her head and looks down at her lap.

"I just want the best for you, my love," Maura whispers while noticing tears burning in her eyes. "All I want is for you to be happy."

"Honestly? I don't know if it's possible to be happy after the things I've seen."

"Jane…" A tear slips from her eye as she cups her wife's face.

"I mean I can still feel happiness, when I'm with you or playing with Elise, things like that. It's just all laced with this darkness, you know? Like it's all temporary and unreal."

Maura just nods, trying to hide the tears in her eyes by pressing her lips against Jane's forehead. "There will be light again, I promise."

Jane looks up and into Maura's eyes, both holding back tears. "When you say it I almost believe it."

Their lips press together in a gentle kiss that soon turns to passion as Maura hands tangle themselves in black curls and Jane pulls them tighter against each other. The kiss lasts until both women break away for air, a hesitant smile curling their lips.

Light footsteps break them out of their haze and they look up to see Elise standing in front of them. "Mama? Will you watch TV with me?" She reaches out her small hand, concern visible in her dark eyes.

Jane smiles, rubs her eyes free from tears and takes her daughter's hand. "Of course." She lifts the girl up in her arms and presses a kiss on her cheek. "What are we watching?"

"It's about a boy that's also a superhero!" The girl chats excitedly, leaving Maura at the dinner table with a loving smile on her face. She clears away the remnants of Jane's dinner and puts the plates in the dishwasher, repositioning Elise's plate to make sure it will actually be clean later.

After cleaning the table and kitchen, she joins her wife and daughter on the couch. Elise sits in Jane's lap, resting comfortably back against her mother's front while she's intently focused on the television. Maura smiles and takes a seat next to her family, kissing her wife's cheek and the top of her daughter's head.

Jane looks up and smiles shyly while pulling Elise closer against her. "Maybe this is my therapy," she whispers.

"This?" Maura reaches out to stroke her daughter's cheek.

"Yeah, maybe this is enough."

Maura smiles. "Maybe."