I don't own any of the recognizable places or characters. This story is part of a series that is called Descendants A-Z and is cross posted (always under "IvyNyx").

A/N: total trigger warning for self harm; made my own arms itch writing this one out.

It was the night after the coronation, they were officially free, their parents no longer had any say in their lives. So why, with that much freedom, did Carlos still feel trapped. He looked up at Jay and was abruptly reminded, he was in love with the older boy. Just because the universe had a sick sense of humor he had fallen hard for the dark haired thief. They were free now, maybe Jay would take pity on him, he could ask and find out. Maybe the older boy felt the same. At that thought Carlos shook his head, Jay flirted with every girl in the area and showed no interest in the guys, not exactly a sign that he might be gay and harboring a crush on his best friend. Oh well, nothing ventured nothing gained.

"Hey Jay?" Carlos said to get the older boys attention. Jay looked up from his video game, "Yeah Pup?"

Carlos was surprised to hear Jay's nickname for him, the thief hadn't used it since they left the Isle. With a soft sigh Carlos decided he may as well enjoy hearing it one last time, Jay probably won't say it again after this. "I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out some time, like a date." Carlos asked, proud that his voice didn't shake, even if his hands did.

Jay raised his eyebrows. Sure he had a crush on the smaller boy, but he was a disaster in relationships. So his choice was hurt the pale boy now, or later, lots of choice there.

"Nah man, sorry I just don't feel like that." Jay lied to him. Jay was surprised just how much it hurt to lie to Carlos, but it was better than destroying their friendship. The truth was he'd fallen for the smaller boy while they were still on the Isle. He made a piss poor villain, but as a friend he was great. Jay ignored his feelings like always, no one had love on the Isle. Then they got to Auradon and he flirted with every girl near him, except Mal and Evie. He was hoping someone would catch his interest, but he'd ended up going from one relationship to the next at an alarming rate before deciding to stop dating all together. The Isle hadn't exactly taught him how to have a healthy relationship, despite how well Mal was doing.

"Oh, okay" was all Carlos managed in response. He could feel the lump in his throat and the familiar burn in his eyes. He'd expected to be turned down, he hadn't expected it to hurt so much. He slid off his bed and got ready for bed. In the bed he was grateful for the blanket, he pulled it over his head and broke down. He never made noise when he cried, he'd stopped at young age, noise implied you wanted someone to pay attention, he didn't want that. After a while the tears stopped and he fell into a fitful sleep.

Jay listened to Carlos get ready for bed, the pale boy had a solid routine for it, while half the time Jay was lucky if he remembered to pee before falling into bed fully dressed. When he heard a soft snuffling noise he looked over, expecting to see Dude sniffing around, instead he saw Carlos had pulled the covers over his head. Jay knew he only did that if he was crying, suddenly his stomach twisted, he'd made Carlos cry. Sure he was the emotional one of the group, but it still took a lot to really hurt him. Last time Jay heard him cry was the night they'd failed to steal the wand the first time, that night though he'd sat next to him and rubbed his back. Something told him if he tried that tonight it wouldn't end well. He tried his best to ignore it, finally it stopped when the smaller boy drifted off to sleep.

The next two weeks were a living nightmare for Carlos, everyone noticed how quiet and withdrawn he got. Most people assumed it had to do with the Isle, Jay knew otherwise but didn't correct them. In a way it did have to do with the Isle, if they'd grow up with normal parents they might have had a chance together.

It was late at night, Carlos was laying in his bed, the pale scars on his arm visible in the moonlight. He always wore long sleeves or a leather wrist brace that hid the scars. The only ones who knew he had these scars were the other Isle kids. He was remembering the relief he use to get as he sliced a thin line into his arm. When he had no control over his life, that simple act offered him an escape. With a jolt he realized he was tracing his arm with his nails, leaving sharp red lines in the wake. With a sigh he stood up, he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon.

Walking into the bathroom he pulled a new razor out of the package, a few pulls dismantled it leaving the piece of sharpened steel in his hand. He turned the blade over in his hands, he'd promised his cousin Diego he wouldn't cut anymore. At that point he thought he was better, now everything was so unsure again. He wished he had his cousin to talk to, he was the only person alive that knew how he felt about Jay. He tried to think of what kind of advice his cousin would give him, but failed to come up with anything. In the last two weeks Jay had gone on as normal, he still flirted with the girls, he still wrapped his arm around Carlos's shoulders. It took all of his self control not to shove the older boy away from him, but then he'd have to explain to Mal and Evie what was wrong and that was not a conversation he wanted to have, ever.

Before he realized what he was doing he drew the blade along one of the old scars. He gasped at the sudden pain, but it was quickly over shadowed by an overwhelming sense of relief. Four lines later he slid the blade into the back of a drawer that they didn't use. He watched the blood drop off his wrist into the sink, a sort of morbid curiosity as it splashed and ran down the drain. Slowly the blood clotted and stopped dripping, he thought about making a new line, but decided bed was a better bet. He got out to his room and silently opened the drawer next to his bed, lacing his leather brace on his wrist. He smiled at the dull pain of of the rough material against the fresh cuts.

Two nights later he sat on the edge of the bathtub, the razor blade in his hand again. His arm had too many lines for his brace to cover them, he was stuck in long sleeve shirts unless he wanted to explain why his arm was sliced up. Evie was getting suspicious of his behavior, but he couldn't bring himself to care enough to worry about it. She was always the curious one, but she never actually followed up. Now if Jay had noticed he'd be in trouble because he'd have looked for answers. He took a minute to imagine Jay's reaction, he knew shock would be first, probably followed by anger. The more Carlos thought the more it hurt. Jay obviously cared a lot about him, 'not like that' kept echoing in his head though.

Looking down at his arm he flinched, he didn't usually pay attention to what he cut into his arm, often he'd end up with lines, stars and even words. This time though as single letter sat among the lines. J. With a sigh Carlos put the blade away, he felt better, but now he had a permanent reminder of why he was cutting again. He ran his arm under the water, watching as the blood tinted it pink, he didn't feel like watching it drip tonight. He rinsed it two more times before it clotted up good enough, he had on a black shirt, a little blood wouldn't show.

"Hey 'Los can I talk to you for a minute?" Ben asked, Mal pouted at being left out while Jay moved his arm off Carlos's shoulders.

"Sure, lead the way" Carlos said.

Ben lead them into an empty class room, Carlos didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't for Ben to grab his hand and shove his sleeve up revealing all the cuts.

"I knew it. Aziz used to cut too. I'd ask if you want to talk about it, but I can see you don't, so start talking." Ben smiled at the smaller boy.

Carlos just stared at him shocked that Ben was the one who caught him.

"How the hell did you know?"

"Again, Aziz did it. I noticed you kept rubbing at that arm, you didn't used to do that so I guessed. Unfortunately I was right." Ben told him. "Now, explain or I got get Mal, Evie and Jay."

"Fuck, and they call us evil." Carlos said "Don't tell them please?"

"Story first, then I'll decide what to do." Ben told him.

"Ugh." Carlos whined while sliding down to sit on the floor.

"It started after coronation, I asked Jay if he'd go out with me and he told me he just doesn't feel like that about me. I held it together for two weeks, but everything is just so unpredictable, I don't have control over anything anymore." Carlos said looking up at Ben he expected a lot of things, but didn't expect Ben to sit on the floor with him and put his arm around him.

"Coronation was a month ago." Ben said, before continuing, "Lets start with the obvious part of that, aside from you're gay. You like Jay?"

Carlos heard the question in his voice. Without a word he pulled the knot out of his brace, letting the leather fall away to reveal the J he'd written in his arm.

"Say it." Ben told him quietly.

"I'm in love with Jay." Carlos said, barely above a whisper.

Ben felt bad for the pale boy, Jay was about the worst person he could have fallen for. For the first time he was glad he'd been around for Aziz's 'I wish I was dead' phase, it helped him know how to handle this one.

"See, not so bad to say."

Carlos glared at him, making Ben laugh.

"You really must have been a horrible villain" the king told him, "Grumpy is more threatening and he's only three foot tall." Carlos gave him a shove, but smiled all the same.

"That's better. Now I'm assuming you're trying to keep Mal and Evie from knowing anything since Jay still uses you as an arm rest" Ben said, Carlos nodded. "Okay, now what the hell are you using to cut?"

"Took apart a razor, it's in my bathroom drawer" Carlos said looking at the floor.

"Well guess what you're throwing out later." Ben said. "I'm not telling anyone yet. But I'm gonna be checking, any new cuts and I tell Jay. If you need to talk or whatever just come get me, I don't care if it's two o'clock in the morning, come get me."

Carlos nodded without saying a word. Ben picked up the brace and laced it back onto the pale boys arm. "I won't tell anyone, I also won't make you talk, but the cuts stop." Ben told him.

"I'll stop." Carlos said still looking at the floor. "Thanks." was added so quietly Ben almost missed it.

"No problem, Mal sees you like a brother, even if she doesn't say it much. Besides no one should go through that alone."

Despite his promise not to tell he had every intention of telling Jay, in about five minutes. A week ago he'd went early to meet up with Mal and heard Jay talking to Evie. He heard Jay admit he liked the De Vil boy, before telling Evie that he didn't think Carlos felt the same. He was lying and Ben was going to get to the bottom of it, even if he Carlos hated him in the end.

Carlos went off to the library, Ben went to find Jay. Luckily he was in his room, playing a video game.

"Hey, we need to talk."

"Lemme finish this level" Jay said hardly looking up.

"No, now, or I unplug the game." Ben said.

Jay paused and looked up startled, Ben sounded pissed, that was rare for the new king.

"Okay, okay, no need to sprout fur. What's up?"

"You've been lying and I want to know which story is true." Ben cut right to the point, the last thing he wanted was Carlos to come back in the middle of this conversation.

"About what?" Jay was confused, he really didn't lie that much since they left the Isle

"Probably a lot of things, but I want to know how you feel about 'Los. Preferably without lying, since you Isle kids suck at it." Ben couldn't resist the jab, for some reason he usually knew when Mal or Jay was lying. Evie and Carlos either didn't lie or were better at it.

"He's my best friend." Jay said, not understanding where this was going.

"Okay, you told Carlos you don't like him as more than a friend, you told Evie you do. Which one is it?" Ben asked, he knew Jay was going to play dumb as long as he could. He watched shock enter the other boys eyes.

"How do you know any of this?" Jay asked.

"Answer me and I'll answer you." Ben said.

"I lied to Carlos. He asked me out like a month ago, but I don't want to hurt him."

"Brilliant" Ben muttered thinking of the pale arm covered in angry red lines. "So rather than maybe hurting him later you decided to hurt him now?"

"You've seen my dating record, I don't want to lose him, especially not like that." Jay said, he made the right choice damn it. Ben looked at Jay and understood, in his mind he'd done the right thing. Ben shook his head, "You should have told Carlos the truth and let him decided if he wanted to take the risk."

"It's Carlos, he always takes the risk." Jay said. Honestly he hadn't even thought of telling Carlos what was going on in his head.

"You know he's really hurting right?" Ben said, trying to think of the best way to get Jay up to speed without actually betraying Carlos.

"Yeah, he's been practically mute, but it's better he hurts a bit now. If we dated and ended it he'd probably be suicidal again." Jay said.

"Again?" Ben asked before he could think.

"Yeah, his left wrist is covered in scars, his cousin Diego found out he was cutting and got the rest of us involved." Jay said, "That's why he wears that wrist brace so much." Jay paused, Ben saw something spark in his eyes and silently hoped he'd just connected the dots. "He's been wearing it a lot again, you know something don't you?" Jay asked suspicion clear in his voice.

"I can't say, but I think I can show you." Ben said standing up and walking into the bathroom. He pulled the top two drawers open and saw everyday junk, the third was empty. On a hunch he pulled it out farther, laying innocently in the back corner was a razor blade with a brown tint on one corner.

"I hope he really wants to die, cuz I'm gonna kill him." Jay said with a growl.

"He doesn't want to die, he's hurt. I went through this shit with Aziz. I can't tell you want to do, but hugging him would help a lot more than hitting." Ben told him.

"He promised Diego he wouldn't cut anymore, he said he was better." Jay said, he sounded odd, after a minute Ben realized be sounded lost.

"He's never going to be better, Aziz said he still struggles and that was years ago. But Carlos probably did think he was better." Ben said.

"What the hell am I suppose to do?"

"Before or after you admit you were being a selfish asshole and tell him you love him?" Ben asked letting the sarcasm drip into his voice, Mal wasn't always the best influence. He watched the shock on Jays face and smiled, no wonder Mal did that so often, it was fun.

"I'm serious."

"Me too. You need to talk to him." Ben said.

"But how the hell do I even get to that subject?"

"That's for you to figure out, I just yanked his sleeve up after watching him scratch his arm for three days." Ben said, walking over to the door, he wasn't going to give Jay all the answers.

"You're not going to tell Mal and E are you?" Jay asked

"Of course not, but I also haven't really told you anything, just confirming guesses. I promised Carlos I wouldn't tell." Ben said with a wave he walked out the door. Jay heard him greet Carlos in the hall and wanted to scream. Couldn't he have ten seconds to think before he had to face Carlos again?

No, the universe said no.

"Hey Pup can we talk?" Jay asked from the couch.

"Yeah, what's up?" Carlos asked perching on the arm of the couch.

Jay took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves. "Can I see your arm?" Jay asked, figuring direct worked best.

Carlos held out his right arm without a second thought, Jay wanted to scream.

"Other one Pup." Jay said, hoping the nickname would calm the other boy a little. He watched Carlos's eyes go wide as he moved off the couch.

"I'm going to kill Ben." Carlos said while walking to the door.

"He didn't tell me anything." Jay said, grabbing Carlos's wrist.

"Like hell he didn't." Carlos growled "let go" while trying to pull his arm free.

"I'm not letting go until we talk, then we go kill Ben together. If Mal doesn't kill us first." Jay said. Carlos stopped fighting and looked at the ground, Jay was reminded of the broken boy he'd met on the Isle and hated it. Carlos reached pulled his shirt off, showing lines all the way up his arm to his shoulder, his wrist was still hidden by the brace.

"I'm still fucked up okay? I thought I was better, but I'm not. I don't handle the unknown well." Carlos said, he was keeping his wrist hidden as long as he could, forever would be good.

"Take off the brace too, please" Jay said softly, looking into Carlos light brown eyes. Carlos shook his head no. Jay crossed his arms, "Really dude? Just take the damn thing off or I'll do it for you. You have lines to your fucking shoulder, you think whatever is on your wrist is really going to make a difference?"

"Yes." Carlos said softly. "besides if it makes no difference, why do you care."

"Because I care about you." Jay said.

"Yeah, best friends, I know." Carlos said bitterly, Jay was caught off guard, Carlos said the word friends as if it was poison that physically hurt him.

"Doesn't matter" Jay said, avoiding the underlying issue, "The point is I care, if nothing else let me see that they're not infected."

"No." Carlos said.

Jay sighed and grabbed the slim boys good arm pulling him backwards so he fell on the couch, luckily Carlos took a second to respond, which let Jay pin his good arm under his knee. He grabbed the injured arm, trying to be cautious.

"Last chance to just show me" Jay said

Carlos ignored him, his eyes closed. Jay didn't know it, but he was fighting back tears. In a matter of seconds Jay would see just how broken his head was, then he'd really want nothing to do with him. He felt Jay pull at the knot that held the brace shut, luckily the thief was too interested in the knot to see the tear slid down his friends face. Carlos felt the air hit his arm at the same time he heard Jay gasp, a split second later he felt Jay lightly run his finger over the letter on his wrist. Carlos held back a shudder, why did Jay have to toy with him, why couldn't he just leave him alone already.

Jay felt his heart stop as he pulled the brace off, there were thousands of reasons Carlos could have made those cuts, staring down a that J though, it was very clear which one of his issues had caused it. Without a thought he reached to to trace it.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"You don't feel the same, what the hell was I going to say?" Carlos said, he could feel the tears falling, but he couldn't have stopped them anymore than he make the cuts on his arm vanish.

Jay let him go, moving so he was sitting on the edge of the couch, he watched Carlos reach up and wipe his eyes. After a second he let his hand catch Carlos's, he didn't hold it tightly, but Carlos didn't try to move away. "What if I told you I lied? What if I told you I didn't feel the same because I don't have any idea how to be in a relationship and I was terrified I'd hurt you more if we did go out?" Jay asked softly, he still hadn't taken his eyes off the J marring his friends skin.

Carlos shifted, he scooted back on the couch and pulled his knees up, his arms resting around them while he put his forehead on them. "You're lying now" Carlos said, his voice muffed by his knees.

"Carlos"

The pale boy ignored him.

"Come on 'Los look at me"

Still nothing.

"Pup"

"Don't fucking call me that" Carlos growled.

Jay gave up, Carlos wouldn't look at him, he'd talk anyway, obviously the freckled boy was listening.

"Do you know why I fucking call you that? It's because I love you. Everyone calls you 'Los or C, I wanted something only I called you, something to remind you that you're special. Pup started as a joke because you were like a kicked fucking puppy, but even then you were my Pup. Did you ever wonder why Mal or Evie didn't call you Pup too? I asked them not to, and that was back on the Isle. I don't even know when I fell for you anymore. When you asked me out I wanted to scream yes, but I watched countless girlfriends end in tears because I'm a relationship fuck up. I didn't want you to end up like them, I can't imagine my life without you in it. So I stupidly decided to lie, turns out that wasn't the best option either. I do care about you, as more than a friend. I love you Pup, I probably always will."

Carlos looked over his knees, his eyes already red from crying, "Why not just tell me you were scared?"

Jay raised one eyebrow at him, "Seriously? When is the last time I admitted I was scared?"

"Okay, but still" Carlos trailed off. Jay shifted closer and wrapped his arm around him.

"Still I was an ass, I'm sorry. If you want we could go out on that date, say tomorrow night?" Jay said.

"Can we stay in instead" Carlos asked, leaning lightly against Jay, still not uncurling.

"Anything you want Pup."

Carlos looked up at him and smirked, "Anything?" he asked.

"I suddenly have a bad feeling, but yeah, anything." Jay told him with a soft smile.

Jay let out a soft groan as he landed on the floor with Carlos on top of him, the smaller boy finally uncurling and launching all at the same time. Before Jay could ask what the he was doing Carlos leaned down and kissed him. Jay smiled against his lips and kissed him back. Carlos finally pulled back and smiled, "Totally worth the wait." he said while laying his head on Jay's chest, the thieves arms wrapped around his waist.

"It was only a couple months, dramatic." Jay said with a chuckle.

"More like sixteen years" Carlos said with a blush, followed by a laugh as Jay's eyes widened.

"Not bad for a first kiss, lets see how you do with a second." Jay smirked before pulling Carlos's mouth back to his.

"The hell with letting them talk about it, I'm going to kill him!" Mal yelled at Ben while shoving the door open to the boys room. When she turned and saw the two boys tangled together on the floor she laughed, "Oh fine I don't get to kill either of them, ruin all my fun. Would you two like to come up for air?"

Carlos lifted his head and smirked at her, "not really" he laughed before leaning down to kiss Jay again.