CHAPTER 13:

ON THE DELICACY OF WORKING OFF FRUSTRATIONS

"So, how are we going to do this?" Harry asked, steepling his fingers. "Bringing down Dumbledore?"

"Good question," Hermione said. They were sitting around a fireplace in the Room of Requirement on the night of their arrival, their familiars covering for them, shapeshifted into themselves in their normal bedrooms. Fawkes was enjoying a crystal tumbler full of petrol, while Hedwig was sitting on Harry's lap. "I mean, we have the power to do it. The question is, how? I mean, we've got a lot of frustrations to work off here, especially Harry." As Luna opened her mouth, Hermione said, "No, not that sort of frustration. I'm sure none of us would fuck Dumbledore with someone else's dick."

"Especially if that someone is Gellert Grindlewald," Fawkes muttered as he downed his drink, and belched out a small fireball.

"I wasn't suggesting that, though sodomy with other implements was a possibility," Luna said. "Did you know that they made dildos out of bread in Ancient Greece(1)?"

"Waste of good bread," Harry said with a grimace. Unless chocolate was involved, he tried to keep food and sex separate. Otherwise, it got rather too messy. "But Hermione's got a point. It's too easy to just kill him. Especially if we end up making him a martyr in the process. Too many people think that the sun shines out of his arse."

"Believe it or not, he once made a potion for that a long time ago," Fawkes said. "Unfortunately, he got a bad case of sunburn on his piles."

"TMI, Fawkes," Hermione said with a grimace, one shared by everybody else in the room.

"Hey, I've known Dumbledore for far longer than anyone in this room…well, I'd say combined, but with the time travel you have been through…well, years of experience of him counts. I'm just telling you what he does."

"Well, our task, then, is to engage in character assassination," Luna said, from where she was standing next to the fireplace. "Boom, fameshot! Who living knows about Dumbledore being Grindlewald's former lover?"

"Not many, or at least not many who'd be believed," Fawkes said. "Aberforth knows."

"Aberforth…wait, isn't he the owner of the Hog's Head in Hogsmead?" Harry asked.

"Yes. He got into trouble for using illicit charms on a goat. Nothing that bad, but unfortunately, it gave him the reputation of someone who shags goats. Aberforth the Goat-Buggerer. In truth, he was trying out a new charm for helping to birth kids. Baby goats. Albus is the one most responsible for the rumours. Anyway, there's also old Bathilda Bagshot…and there's of course Grindlewald himself."

Hermione snapped her fingers. "Rita Skeeter! That cow owes me favours for not exposing her Animagus transformation from last year! If we point her in the right direction…"

"It's a good start," Fawkes said.

"That can still come back to bite us," Hedwig said, scowling with the remembrance of what Rita did to Harry last year, during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. She was also enjoying the novel feeling of sitting in his lap. Really, being in a human form had its advantages.

"Maybe, but Rita would rather go for causing the biggest scandal that she can find out," Hermione said. "Harry may be the Boy Who Lived, but Magical Britain put Dumbledore on a pretty damn big pedestal. Rita delights in cracking it, so she'd love to see him fall. She might even write a tell-all book. There's also the possibility of having her expose Voldemort's true past as Tom Riddle."

"Wouldn't that potentially have the Death Eaters kill her?" Fawkes asked.

Luna shrugged. "Acceptable collateral damage."

"I can't believe I'd accept a person's life as acceptable collateral damage," Hermione said, "but it IS Rita Skeeter."

The others nodded in agreement. Given her habit of trying to defame everyone she could, even those who weren't on pedestals to begin with, well, Skeeter dying was acceptable. Petty, yes, perhaps a little disproportionate, but perfectly acceptable. After all, Skeeter didn't so much as have a poison pen as much as one that was downright toxic.

"Again, a good start," Fawkes said. "Of course, once Voldemort and Dumbledore are dealt with…what then?"

"Umm, days of wild hedonism for the rest of our immortal lives?" Luna asked, as if it was patently obvious.

"I meant about the system," Fawkes said. "Magic seems to amplify the foibles and faults of humanity. The government is ridiculously nepotistic. I'm not saying you should go into the government yourselves."

"Why not?" Luna pouted.

Hedwig rolled her eyes. "I shudder to think what you would do as the Minister, Luna, and in any case, the voting public do tend to get a bit nervous about the undead being in charge. Yes, I know, vampires aren't actually undead. Just freakish eldritch abominations in human form that drink blood."

"We love you too, Hedwig," Harry said, cuddling the owl-turned-human, and causing her to smile at the affection and the humour. "But Hedwig's right, you know. Beyond a certain point, we're going to have to drop out of the limelight. Quite frankly, I'd be looking forward to the quiet life. Well, I don't mean literally quiet. Seriously, Hermione, you rattled the windows last time."

Hermione scoffed, ignoring the innuendo. "You mean quiet as in withdrawing from public life. I get that. Though how likely you are to get that wish, I have no idea."

"About as likely as Shalltear Bloodfallen growing up?" Luna asked(2).

"…I thought we weren't going to mention her again after your TARDIS counterpart brought us to that world," Harry said. "Seriously, since when did vampires turn into lampreys on legs?"

"Never mind that, what about her fetishes?" Hermione said, her face twisting in disgust. "Seriously, she got off on you fighting her and that crazy bitch Albedo. That was so wrong on so many levels…"

On a distant world, deep with the Tomb of Nazarick, a pale-skinned, silver-haired girl wearing a Gothic Lolita outfit and a dark-haired, golden eyed woman with horns sneezed simultaneously, twice. A skeleton dressed in robes all but blinked (insomuch as he could without eyeballs or eyelids), and asked, in a deep, booming, but oddly uncertain voice, "Are you two all right?"

"Nothing to worry about, Lord Ainz," the horned woman said. "The lamprey and I must have come down with something after spending too much time listening to Cocytus' reports on his level."

"Maybe you're coming down with something because your immune system is expired goods, like the rest of you, Albedo?" the silver-haired girl asked.

The demoness sneered. "Better than being pumped with more preservatives than a fast food hamburger!"

"Actually, it may not be a cold," the skeleton dubbed 'Lord Ainz' said. "Back home, sneezing twice meant that someone was talking about you behind your back, and not in a good way, either."

Albedo and Shalltear Bloodfallen looked at each other. "It was those three, wasn't it?" Shalltear asked.

"I would not be surprised," Albedo said. For once, the two were united in a common grudge. Indeed, the entire Tomb of Nazarick was, after the whirlwind forces of darkness that called themselves 'Vampire Lunar Harmony Plus One'.

Ainz, formerly Momonga, formerly Satoru Suzuki, sighed, knowing what they meant. He picked at his now tie-dyed robes ruefully. These were really hard to wash, even with magic, and thanks to those three, his robes looked like a hippy had painted, and then vomited on them. Every time he walked abroad in the Tomb, he risked either the laughter of his subordinates, or sending them into epileptic fits from the clashing colours.

And that was without going into what happened elsewhere. Pandora's Actor now wanted to stage a production of Cats, Demiurge had been left gibbering in the corner of his quarters, and Sebas was still trying to rouse most of the Pleiades from post-coital comas.

The only upshot of the situation was that that deranged bitch Luna had given him a spell that allowed him to have a proper body, and not just a skeleton…for proper boning, as she put it. So Albedo was happy for them leaving her one such gift…and frankly, so was Momonga. It couldn't be called a healthy sex life when the sex partners were an obsessive demon and a lich who could adopt a proper body every now and then…but damned if it wasn't good…

Speaking of sex lives…

Sirius Black scowled as he heard the bed springs squeaking from the next room, the pants and the moans. Of all the times for the bloody silencing charms on the rooms to fail, it was while Moony and Tonks were banging each other. It was times like this that he really wished that vampires and werewolves universally loathed each other, if only because he didn't have to hear Moony and Tonks fuck.

"YES! YES! IMPALE ME WITH YOUR STAKE! AHHHH!"

…And it was even weirder than he thought. Seriously, what kind of dirty talk was that?

Or maybe it was simple jealousy. His best friend (well, that was still alive) was getting some tail (and shapeshifting cousin tail, at that! Dammit, why couldn't both he and Nymphadora have the same blasé attitude his family had to incest?!), his godson had a goddamned harem, and Sirius was getting blue-balled in a serious way. Hell, he'd had blue balls ever since Barty Crouch Senior (that dried-up old turd in a suit who looked like that sheep-obsessed farmer from The Vicar of Dibley(3)) decided to dispense with even the pretence of law and order and chuck him into Azkaban, with the key thrown into the North Sea for good measure.

Seriously, he could have been Dracula, first get the immortality, and then the bitches(4). There should be a movie with Sirius Black as Count Dracula…yeah, there should have been. Instead, he'd probably be stuck playing some weirdo tycoon from the future, or a disfigured quadriplegic paedophile, or some top copper playing second-fiddle to some idiot dressed as a bat, or an evil copper who comes up against a hitman and screams "EVVVVERYYYYONNNNNE!" at his subordinates(5).

And speaking of screaming…

"AHH! AHH! AHHHHHHH!"

Oh, come on! Nobody actually screamed like that while they came! That was the province of writers of really shitty pornographic writing.

Sirius snarled quietly. He needed someone to bang. Female, willing, at least 20 or so, preferably hot, not picky about magical blood. Or maybe there was that little shop in Knockturn…actually, yes, he'd go there. He was desperate enough for one of their Inflatable Ingrids right about now…

Lying in bed together, their bodies drenched in sweat, Remus and Tonks listened as they heard the door to the next room slam open, and then footsteps storming down the stairs. "Just as planned," Remus said with a smirk.

"I know, right? Best prank ever," Tonks said. "Eroding the silencing charms, and making lots of noise…and I didn't even fake the screams. Seriously, why are vampires and werewolves at odds again?"

Remus blinked. "You know, that's a bloody good question. I mean, I could be boring and discuss it from what I know from my DADA lessons…"

"No. Don't be boring," Tonks said. "I want to fall asleep because I'm worn out from this, not from a fucking DADA lecture. I had enough of those when Professor Port was DADA teacher(6)."

"Oh? How did he lose his job again?"

"Long story short, he waxed his moustache. And when he was demonstrating fire spells…well, let's just say it took him a while to be able to grow it back, what with the burns. Only thing that ever shut him up, really," Tonks said.

"I'm surprised you didn't want to join that harem Luna seems set on giving Harry," Remus said.

"Meh, I'm fine. I might give it a go later, but for now, I want you." With that, Tonks straddled Remus, ready to begin Round 2…

In his own bed, Snape, now a familiar of Hermione Granger, scowled. Somewhere, Remus Lupin was being happier than he deserved to be. In fact, so was Potter and that Mudblood bitch. And what was worse, he couldn't do a damn thing about it.

While it was probably not actually his own personal Hell, it wasn't far off the mark. And he knew, as a vampire familiar, that said Hell wasn't going to be ending any time soon…

Meanwhile, Dumbledore was dreaming pleasant dreams where he was played by Jude Law, and Gellert was being played by Johnny Depp. They were not the dreams of a troubled man, which he was, not that he'd admit it. He viewed these dreams as vindication of his righteousness. But events would prove him otherwise…

CHAPTER 13 ANNOTATIONS:

So, here you have it. You have a Guest reviewer to thank for this chapter. They wanted a new chapter in time for Halloween, and while normally, I wouldn't grant a request, I managed to get enough inspiration for this chapter. So, here you are.

Incidentally, sorry about the rather large cutaway to the Overlord universe. I'm really into the light novels and anime at the moment (not to be confused with the games), and I've done two crossovers so far: a Potterverse one called Yield to the Darkness, and a Red vs Blue one called Xenagogy for Belligerent AIs and Dungeon Denizens (where Church takes the place of Momonga). Overlord's a good series, and I recommend it.

Actually, I'm kicking myself for not coming to Overlord sooner, as it has one of the most horrific depictions of a vampire I have seen since Alucard from Hellsing…or the Haemovores from the Doctor Who story The Curse of Fenric. I'd have loved to have seen Harry, Hermione and Luna as Shalltear-style vampires…

Review-answering time! Noxlux013: You know, that's a good question I don't have an answer to. Though I'm sure more than a few writers have made Remus badass…

Agrond: Of course.

Gothic Chevy: Nope. Not going there, if only because making Harry hung like a horse seems to be a fanfic cliché.

Ultimate-Zelda-Fan: It wouldn't suit these guys, but it's a nice thought.

DZ2: I'm glad you liked it. Then again, you only have yourself to blame for inspiring me, regardless of whether you enjoy this story or not. :P

1. This is one of the many bizarre things I learned via the British comedy panel and quiz show series QI.

2. In Overlord, as mentioned above in the notes, Shalltear Bloodfallen is a vampire, an NPC created originally by a player in an MMORPG who was, frankly, an unrepentant pervert. Normally, she looks like a Gothic Lolita with pale skin and silver hair. But when she gives into her bloodlust…well, let's just say that Albedo's insult of Shalltear being a lamprey is actually very accurate. And when she gets serious…well, her face looks normal…but she dons armour that gives her the title of the Bloody Valkyrie.

3. AKA Owen, played by Roger Lloyd Pack.

4. Sirius is referencing Vegeta's sleep-mumbling from Dragonball Z Abridged, as he fantasises about what he will get with the Dragonballs.

5. I just listed many of Gary Oldman's roles in film, including Zorg from The Fifth Element, Mason Verger from Hannibal, James Gordon from the Dark Knight Trilogy, and Norman Stansfield from Leon the Professional. Oh, and of course, Dracula from Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation of the novel.

6. Yes, this is a RWBY reference.