~ Chapter 31 ~

The only thing on Gon's mind these last few hours were his cantankerous ruminations. The last few days, everything around him only echoed what he already knew: that he was selfish, weak, and ignorant of the world, thinking he could face Killua's family and come to a favorable conclusion on his own. Seeing Killua deal with Kalluto and reject his offers for help, he knew he had only been a burden.

"Have you eaten anything yet today?" comes Killua's voice. Walking beside him in the night air, holding hands, Gon takes the lead as he mulls over all that happened in his head.

"…No."

Classic Gon, fixated so utterly on one goal that he neglected everything else around him to the point of his own detriment. Killua would snort at him if not for the exhaustion he felt from that day – talking to Kalluto, his grandfather, then losing and searching for Gon. His friend even ignores the humorous aura surrounding Killua due to Gon's thickness.

"C'mon, let's get something to eat," says Killua. He pulls Gon in the direction of a diner. Its white sign shines singularly in the dark street of closed buildings near the hotel. "Open 24 Hours," it says in the neon lights of Hunter script.

They sit down in the warm yellow light as the waiter hands them a menu. Gon peeks at Killua above his.

"Do you know what you want?" Killua asks, not looking up.

Gon slaps the menu against the table lightly with a sigh. "Yeah. Hotcakes."

"Okay. We'll have two orders of the hot cakes with hash browns and eggs," Killua tells the waiter, then hands off the menus. They're left in the booth alone inside the diner's inner wall, a few clusters of families, friends, and couples seated around them.

Killua already forgave me for offering myself to Illumi, Gon thinks, until he remembers the details of what happened after he was rescued from the Zoldyck Estate. Killua's coldness toward him, accusing him of going it alone in the motel bedroom afterward, saying this was the last straw until Gon broke down crying, and then they… Inwardly, Gon blushes. What he had felt the last few days, seeing Killua deal with everything on his own, drawing a wall between Gon and himself despite their physical closeness…

"Killua, uh…" Unsure where to begin, Gon twiddles his fingers on the table.

The waiter returns with the iced tea that Killua requested. Ice crinkles against glass, then it bubbles and cracks as swirling brown leaf juice cascades over ice cubes, poured by the waiter. Gon is entranced by it, since it distracts him from his thoughts. When the waiter leaves the pitcher of iced tea and walks away, Killua lifts the cup to his lips and sips slowly, before he decides it needs more sugar.

"Take your time, Gon," he says as he tears open a small pink packet of cane sugar.

When Killua sips and sets down his glass of iced tea again, Gon's hand falls on top of his. "I love you, Killua, but sometimes, I have no idea what you're thinking."

Even though Gon said it exasperated, devoid of light, Killua's face and body feel hot from the heartfelt melody of Gon's words.

"I…"

With diffident countenance, Gon looks Killua in the face. He still feels like the topic of Killua's family is too personal – especially after all he'd seen and experienced at the estate… He thought going to Killua's home would elucidate things, but it only led to more pain and strife for both of them.

"We've been closer these last few days," Gon says apprehensively, "but somehow, I feel like you've been… farther away."

At first, Killua doesn't understand what he's referring to. Seeing Gon's shyness, the blush in his cheeks, Killua gets it. "Oh, you mean when we're having sex."

Gon's face jolts upward in embarrassment and shame, uncharacteristic of him. Normally, it was the other way around when it came to such topics. "Yes, but, not only then – I mean in general, too…" Trying to relax, Gon sits up taller, knowing they're more fully on the same page. "Ever since you… killed Illumi –" he says it in a cautiously low tone for both their sakes – "it seems like you've… wanted my help even less… And I get it, Kalluto is your brother, and you know how to deal with your family better than anyone here, except maybe Alluka – but I still…"

Killua waits for him to finish his thought, but he never does. "Feel left out?"

Pressing his lips together, slowly, Gon nods. His silence weighs on Killua after his chattering, so Killua understands there's more he isn't saying.

Killua's tone is fond, if tired as he speaks again, leaning his forehead in one hand. "Knowing you, I'm sure you're blaming yourself for not being able to solve my problems, eh?"

Caught red-handed by Killua's deductive abilities, Gon bites his lip.

The hilariously strained position of Gon's eyebrows, the fearful stiffness of his shoulders – Killua chuckles at him. Taking hold of the pitcher between them, Killua pours himself more iced tea and takes a sip.

"…You know, for the longest time, I thought you could solve all my problems too, Gon." Now, it is Killua whose tone is dilatory, and Gon's mouth loosens as he hears his friend's sincerity. "I thought, by inhabiting just a little of the light around you, I could change myself into a better person overnight. Actually, I used to fantasize about having conversations like these with you all the time when we were kids. But I was so scared of telling you how I felt that I pretended my feelings didn't exist, and hoped just being near you would fix everything.

"But it was wrong of me to think that way," Killua acknowledges, looking Gon in the face. "I thought the same with Alluka, with my family – I thought if I stayed away from them long enough, maybe I would stop killing people… but I was wrong." As Killua looks down at his hands, the lights overhead play in the tea water a few inches above, swirling reddish-brown. He easily recalls the sensation of blood covering his fingers, the tremble of his sharp hands as he sliced through thousands. The ghostly face of his older brother beneath him, the trickle of blood running down the corner of his mouth and pale chin as he fell limp, dead. It's something that will never leave him, these images and sensations, nor should they. During the most important years of his life, he was nothing but a murderer. That wouldn't change no matter how much time had passed –

"Killua," Gon's warm intonation brings him back to the present. His dark tan hands cross the table and around the tea glass, over Killua's hands, interrupting his deathly vision. "I know you get angry when I tell you that it isn't your fault, but I want you to know… I've never felt you were dangerous to me. I've only been worried when I saw you kill other people. These abilities that you rely on so much, they aren't used solely to torment other people – they're to protect yourself from getting hurt, from the wrath of your family or outsiders who don't understand because of the attitude you've been taught to wear. I know you think that what happened with your family isn't an excuse, and it isn't – killing is bad. But your family… they aren't normal." Gon chokes up a little as he says it, knowing what he feels after having a needle stuck in his head, from running away from them all this time, from being abducted by Illumi and taken to the Zoldyck Estate is hardly a fraction of what Killua has had to deal with his entire life. No, not now, he berates himself, but it's no use. "I can only imagine… I will never understand it," he concludes, the tears hot and heavy as they roll down his face, though there are only a few.

"I thought I could help you understand that what happened while you were with the Zoldyck Family wasn't your fault," he'd said a few days ago as they walked back to the hotel.

"You can't."

"What do you mean… I can't?"

"I mean – some things can't be fixed simply by talking about it. And there's nothing you can do to change that, Gon."

"I see now, what you meant," Gon says, wiping his cheeks, hiding his eyes. "Even if I thought I could eventually come to a point of understanding… I can't."

Gon thought he could help and understand Killua simply through asking him about his past… and Killua, unsure what to do or say since he had never been faced with that possibility before, hadn't known how to react. There was nothing either of them could do to understand that blockage before it happened. With their tight-lipped relationship resulting in their separation three years ago, when they reunited, they'd tried the opposite approach, only to run into a different trouble along the way: Killua still had difficulty talking, and Gon didn't know what was appropriate to ask. So he attempted to understand through action, which only ended worse. What could he do to help Killua, then…?

Cries of terror in Killua's mind fade away, replaced by the warm light of the diner as he listens to Gon's words. "It's something I've realized over the last few years too, I think," Killua says. His upturned hands, still covered by Gon's on the table, clutch him tighter. "As much as I wish I could help you understand that you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to me, or being unable to help me – for all the times you've thought that you needed to pay some kind of price for being ignorant or weak… I don't think I can."

Gon is expecting Killua to let go of his hands. To tell him they aren't good for each other after all, even after all they had been through together the last six years – or the last six months since they reunited, dealing with their hidden feelings and traumas, with Illumi and the Zoldyck Family, learning to trust others and themselves. He wouldn't blame him. It would be expected, after he decided to go it alone once again, and put himself in such a dangerous situation where Killua was the only one who could save him.

I guess the others helped too, Gon's inner voice added. They all helped save me from my own stupidity…

If only they had been able to do so when he was younger, before these harmful habits were so set in stone…

Gon waits for Killua's words of refusal and farewell, feeling just being with him for the last three days was a peculation on his part. Just being with Killua for that long…

Their food arrives before Killua says anything, and when they finally let go hands, receiving a queer look from the waiter, the only thing out of Killua's mouth is how delicious the food looks.

"Waah, it looks so good!"

The words never come.

Three hotcakes are stacked over two inches high in front of each of them, topped with crispy hash browns and bacon that popped from being freshly removed from the grill. Individual containers of syrup are set at their plates' sides.

Killua digs into the food almost immediately, using his fork and knife to cut into the spongy hotcake and bring the huge, syrupy piece into his mouth. When he sees Gon is a bit more subdued as he eats, lost in thought, Killua probes, "Mmh? What's wrong?"

Gon just smiles.

"It's good," he says calmly, unable to stop the quiet blush spreading across his cheeks. This is what it feels like.

His answer causes Killua to raise an eyebrow, but he's enjoying the food too much to press. They both are.

. . .

With friends and mentors like Bisky, Palm, Ikalgo, and Canary, Gon and Killua have no reason to fret leaning on each other. The next day, the company of Hunters, Zoldycks, butlers, and Ikalgo decides to move on to the eastern side of the continent, where the border of the Mimbo Republic met that of the Republic of Padokea. Days pass as they travel by train, a well-deserved lull in the action allowing everyone a breather in light of the battle that was sure to come. Just as him and Gon continued to share a room, Alluka and Kalluto elected to have their own room, and Killua noticed they stuck rather close to each other throughout the other parts of their journey as well. He often caught his younger siblings spending time alone, whispering to each other, exchanging glances when someone else was talking. He was relieved if not a little weirded out about the reason. How had the two become so close in a matter of days? A part of him was still wary of Kalluto, and perhaps that's why it would take a lot longer for the two of them to see eye-to-eye, while Alluka was completely unguarded around him.

Killua also felt pity for his youngest sibling. Poor Kalluto had no one else to spend time with growing up… At least I had Alluka before she was locked away – and Illumi's attention as constantly on me, along with the entire family – Irked by his own desire to see good in the situation he'd had with his brother, Killua cuts off his thoughts there.

The others, jaded from all the family drama of the days before and knowledgeable of the challenge that lay ahead, hardly mention constructing a plan to take down the Zoldyck Family once and for all. No one has a good idea about how to bring down Silva Zoldyck, the most powerful assassin in the known world. Even if they have his prized son and gifted daughter on their side, even the experienced Hunter Biscuit Krueger can only blow air out her cheeks whenever she is faced with the dilemma that they simply don't have enough people or strength on their side to be able to defeat him. She isn't accustomed to putting this much effort into notoriously difficult tasks – it's why she left Gon and Killua to deal with a homicidal Palm and the war, though rash she recognized those decisions to be now. Other than Gon, Killua, Palm, and Ikalgo, no one else has been a part of a large operation to take down some inhumanly powerful entity. Truth is, Killua hardly even knows anything about his father's abilities, having never seen him in action himself.

I don't even think killing me is his goal, anyway, Killua thinks. In his mind, he continuously circles back to his conversation with Zeno.

"…You've unleashed something within Silva that even I cannot quell."

The old man hadn't specified what he meant at the time, but based on what Gon has told him about his time in the Zoldyck Manor, it seems Silva was planning to use Gon against Killua. Rather than creating a simple hostage situation, however, by reawakening Gon's Nen, Silva's plan pointed to using Gon's power in Nen to aid in Silva's plan…

What that plan could have been, or perhaps still could be, Killua cannot fathom.

"Uhg, I wish gramps wouldn't have showed up just to confuse me!" Killua cried out in frustration as he sat in a private suite on the train with Gon, discussing their next move.

"…Are you sure he just meant to confuse you?" Gon asks carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… When I was in the dungeons, before Silva tortured me your grandfather came in, and I got this weird feeling… Like he went along with Silva's plan, but he didn't seem to agree with it. I don't know, it's just a feeling I got." Gon shrugs.

Killua recalls the way his grandfather had disappeared like leaves in the wind, his aura serene the entire time they were talking. He hadn't seemed to be lying as he asked Killua to come home, emptiness and hurt in his voice. "…Maybe you're right."

Still, he doesn't agree with me either, Killua knows. The rejection of Zeno's hand raise eats away at his heart, like maggots implanted there. The lack of support of one of the only family members he trusts ebbs at him more than he thought it would after all these years. Even if him, Gon, and everyone else lived through this, there were some family members he would never be able to sway toward his position, nor reconcile the relationship they once had.

With this in mind, Killua and Gon turn their heads upward as the train engineer speaks over the loudspeaker. "We will be arriving on the border of the Republic of Padokea for a border check in five minutes. Please stay seated while the authorities check the vehicle. Thank you."

"Well," Gon says, standing, "I'm gonna check what's up with everyone else at the front. Wanna come with?"

"Right. I'll stay here. Tell me what you find when you get back."

Gon nods as the train door shuts behind him. He's only away for a few moments when Killua feels something rattling in his head, too proprioceptive to be a normal headache. A hand rises to his forehead, and he wonders if it's the residue effect of the needle again – when the feeling is gone just as easily as it came. Strange.

A few hours later, everyone unloads their luggage onto the train platform, and head toward a residence not far from the station. The town they find themselves in is quaint – the perfect place for remaining off the radar. Cottages made of white wood dot the landscape, a few shops here and there. Otherwise, there is only open landscape until the mountains about ten miles in the distance. Scant, tall yellow grass surrounds them on all sides, and the air hangs drily, everything caked in orange dirt, which is crumbly beneath their shoes like sand. The only sounds are the occasional murmurs carried on the breeze, or a bird flitting overhead from one spaced-out tree to the next. It is dead silent apart from that.

After dinner, the stillness is beginning to make Killua feel paranoid, so Gon suggests they take a walk.

"We'll be back in twenty-to-thirty minutes," Gon tells Alluka, Kalluto, Canary, and Amane in the living room of their rented cottage. Everyone else is upstairs trying to get sleep. "If we don't come back before then, look for us."

As Gon and Killua walk in the soundless countryside, Killua can hardly take it.

"It's just so eerie. Why did we decide to come down here, again?"

"Everyone else thought it would be a good place to hide out?"

"Remind me never to trust Bisky's judgement about that again."

They walk until they come to a small glade surrounded by trees. The sky is nearly as orange as the dirt beneath their shoes, and the area is dotted by rocks. They hear running water, and Gon walks ahead of Killua, who feels that dull throb in the back of his skull again, like a remnant of what he felt right before Illumi attacked the airship, or in the train –

It's too late.

Killua yanks the needle shot into his neck the moment it hits his skin – but already his knees are atremble, about to give way. Sensing the tremor in Killua's aura, Gon turns around to see Killua sweating profusely as he clutches his neck, scanning the perimeter of the trees with a look that Gon knows is the assassin in him, not the Hunter. Able to call upon more of his Nen, Gon surrounds his body in Ren so ferocious that it shakes the pebbles at their feet, makes the leaves stir in the trees even in the dead silence of the air. Feeling Killua's focus and consciousness fall, Gon's aura awareness snakes around the tree trunks with the speed of a great tide crashing through a valley.

When Gon finds nothing, he turns his attention up toward the branches of the trees, though few there are, and nearly misses the darting figure. It's so fast he can hardly see it.

"Show yourself!" Gon shouts in demand, moving closer to Killua, whose Ren has begun to flip-flop between Ten as he grasps the spot on his neck. Veins bloom out from the needle puncture where the dark liquid was injected, like a black, inky tattoo crawling underneath his skin.

What the hell?! Killua screams internally, feeling how the poison was attacking his insides and motor functions one-by-one, spreading from his neck and left arm.

"'I should be immune to all poisons?!' That's probably what you're thinking now, aren't you, Killu?"

The mocking voice emerges from the trees in front of him, revealing itself willingly after Gon's barrage of Ren. Dressed in purple assassin's garb, Kikyo Zoldyck's hair is wound in a high ponytail, her gait confident and beguiling. Her tall figure emits aura nowhere near the strength of Gon's, but slowly, she overcomes Killua's fading aura due to the poison invading his body. Her Nen is chaotic yet contained, similar to Illumi's in its overwhelming manipulation, twisted and smothering love – except Kikyo has dropped all pretense of restraint. This was the woman who taught Illumi everything he knew about manipulation and torture, after all.

Seeing Gon's and Killua nasty stares directed at her, her eyes narrow at their puerility – one scarred and blind, the other rose-colored. She says quietly, "You murdered my son. For that, you must pay."

Without warning, she rushes forward and knocks Gon ten feet back. Caught off-guard by her eccentric and zigzagging movements, it wasn't anything like Killua's direct and precise approach during their sparring sessions.

Shuriken dagger in hand, Kikyo drives it toward Killua's head, who stops her inches from his face. Trembling in strain, he glares at her with his icy blue gaze, one that makes Kikyo gasp from the remembrance of hers and Silva's past, their first encounter.

"You… you demon child!"

Even with her arm in his grasp, she spins just enough to step and kick one of her legs toward the arm Killua holds her with. Given her strength and speed, she will shatter his elbow. Killua jumps back from his mother with bent knees, ready to fight, when he stutters, holding his side. The poison has spread from his left arm and neck to his left abdomen and face now. It isn't enough to kill him, but his senses are completely shot – unable to move as quickly and nimbly as normal. She knew exactly what to do to get me here, he realizes, feeling his dread grow. He had trained with Illumi, even received advice on his fighting from Silva and Zeno – he'd never faced his mother before. He always thought she must be unskilled, but now he realizes most of the genius of the Zoldyck's tactics in training – it had always come from her.

Gon crosses in front of Killua before Kikyo can strike again, and they exchange a blow that sends Kikyo back. She grits her teeth.

"How dare you defy a mother's right to punish her child?! Step aside, you wretch!"

Gon stands his ground, ready to deflect whatever she might throw at them. "As far as I'm concerned, you're no longer his parent! You never have been!"

"Killua, listen to him," she sings with such savoir faire, waving her shuriken around wildly as she speaks, her eyes alight with hysteria. "How can you revel in such lies? You'll always be a Zoldyck whether you want to be or not! An outsider simply can't understand the life we lead –!"

"A Zoldyck can't kill a Zoldyck," Killua chokes out in defiance.

"Yes, but you forfeited that when you killed my son!" Kikyo yells shrilly, and tears enter her mismatched eyes.

Though he's in pain from the poison creeping through his body, Killua recognizes the hurt and anguish she's trying to hold back. He remembers her wails as they resonated throughout the Zoldyck dungeons, the wails of a woman who regretted all she had done – or failed to do.

Behind Gon, Killua mumbles, "I wish I didn't have to…"

Gon turns his head a quarter back to try to get a glance at his friend's expression. Despite Killua's words, Kikyo uses the opportunity to attack. Leaping over Gon to get behind both of them, she is about to drive her shuriken into Killua's shoulder when Gon blocks her at the wrist. Tears burst into the air around her eyes as the arm Gon hadn't blocked sends another shuriken flying past Gon's neck. Barely nicking him in the process, the weapon embeds itself into Killua's chest.

"ATONE FOR YOUR SIN THROUGH YOUR DEATH!"

"KILLUA!"

Once again, it feels like it's been ages since I wrote this fic. Shout out to mirycactusito on Tumblr, who drew my concept for Kikyo from previous chapters as she mourned Illumi! The fanart can be found under mirycactusito's tag "miryart" on her blog. Also, in the time that has passed, I was able to write and release the final chapter of the short KilluGon robot AU that I wrote called Human – I hope you'll check it out!

Many thanks to the Reviewer on Chapter 30 – and of course Tiburmeme and CactusRights whomst I've already responded to on other platforms ;P. I'm happy to hear that the writing style has been to your liking! After writing a story for this long, I constantly wonder if my descriptions are lacking, aaahhh…! I'm not sure what you mean by "will Gon ever find out when Killua removes the needle"? Do you mean Killua's needle or Gon's? In either case, both of their needles have been removed! Though both of them still feel residue effects because, from what I gather in canon, the needle doesn't dictate your thoughts, but works from what insecurities already exist in one's mind to bend one to Illumi's will. Of course, there are anomalies with this explanation, like Alluka being completely wiped from Killua's mind due to Illumi's needle – but I think when it's something easily targetable, that's why that function is also possible with Illumi's small control needles. I am also glad to hear that you agree any platform should be used for a social issue like BLM. It is true, we need these statements everywhere that they can be, and I worried some readers would feel "attacked" by me stating a "political" opinion, but the ability to run from this movement is something only those with privilege have the option to do, and awareness must be raised, change made, if Black lives are to truly receive equal treatment in social opportunities and under the law.

I don't have many other thoughts on this chapter other than I hope it was enjoyable. Right now, I'm guessing there are about four or five chapters of the story left. I finally made an actual outline for the ending, though you can be assured my plans often go awry even when I do make them, haha. I hope you'll leave your thoughts on this chapter below!