It was so simple.

Deliver the message to the post. All we had to do was deliver a message.

Towns were sent notice of our arrival.

Monsters were cleared along the roads for us.

Food was supplied, and the cart we would be traveling on was very luxurious.

We were even given a Royal Pass for any trouble we might encounter, it was a golden piece of paper with an official looking seal.

The only thing we had to do was actually drive the horse-drawn cart.

Everything was handed to us on a silver platter.

It was supposed to be a relaxing mission, one with no stress.

It was so simple.

Darkness and I were driving the cart, sitting on the bench in the front, with Megumin and Aqua in the back.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was bright, the animals skittered around, and one could even hear the sounds of birds chirping around the area. It was in broad daylight, traveling along this clear road with such a cheery atmosphere, that we encountered the first sign of trouble.

A lone soldier guarding the bridge.

He was lazing about, resting on his leaned over spear with one arm, and picking his nose with the other hand.

He gave it a once-over, smelled it, and then flicked it away.

Ominous.

"Turn around! Turn around! Before it's too late!"

"Kazuma, Kazuma, please calm down! Don't I see you pick your nose all the time? And the guard, he's just a checkpoint to... hey, what are you—! Don't try to jump! Physically, we're no match, you know?"

As Darkness pinned my face down to the bench, I felt that familiar stirring in my stomach, the sense of unease that comes so often. My instincts were far more reliable than anyone in this party, and those instincts were screaming at me! Run fool, leave them! This type of shit always happens, the message we were told to deliver had been (accidentally) swapped, and is now actually from an elite thieves guild member, and we'll be arrested for helping smuggle contraband!

Or something like that. I couldn't let that happen.

"Ahh! On that spot, right now?!"

I squeezed Darkness in various ways trying to escape her vice-like grip, but she never let go. Rather, instead...

"Resist more you pervert! I'll seriously jump you if you let this go on!"

"I-I wasn't—it was you who did those things! Ah, still more! A maiden, we—!"

"There's no maidens with that face on!"

After some more of her so-called struggling, we reached the checkpoint and Darkness handed the guard the Royal took a hard look at it, then looked at Darkness, and back to the note. In contrast to the laid-back worthless style he displayed before, he diligently took the time to examine the paper and scrutinize it.

"Hmm!" He abruptly made a surprised sound, and lifted his spear up while reaching into his pocket! We're fucked!

And then he signed the bottom of the paper with his pen.

"Don't stay out too late. Oh, and that man next to you, the tied up fellow, is he...?"

"He's Kazuma." Darkness answered the guard immediately, with no hesitation, as if that answered everything.

The guard scratched his head, and opened his mouth to speak, then he shut it and shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, carry on."

He turned the other way.

"Mmpf! Mmm!"

I struggled against the rope in my mouth, and on my body, to no avail. What kind of guard is this? Don't I look like a slave captive!? You half-ass guard! That paper doesn't excuse slavery! Return to the hard-working soul you just showed!

Some time later, Megumin and I were riding in the front. I was unsure of the time, though it was dark outside. Because of my constant state of worrying, I hadn't slept since the trip started, so I felt like I was losing my mental edge, and there were various problems with my body.

I couldn't feel the tips of my fingers or toes, and struggle as I may, I couldn't move my limbs very well. This was probably due to the poison air we were traveling through that had been set as a trap, or perhaps it was the food we had been given was accidentally spoiled by members of my party. Numerous diabolical reasons floated through my mind that could explain my inability to move.

Anyway, I was still tied up, though they had loosened the ropes around my mouth.

"That's strange." Megumin spoke aloud, breaking the previous silence.

"Hm?" My ears perked up.

"The wind, it doesn't feel natural."

"Naturally, that means we should return home."

"Naturally, your true self is like that. But fear not, for is it not the case that, I, the all-powerful Arch-Wizard, wielder of a thousand suns—!"

"Wait, shut up. Go back to that thing about the wind."

"...I don't wanna."

She pouted and then turned her back to me.

Suddenly, a mix of crashing and cutting sounds shot through the air, and the already strong winds became a torrent of pressure. The gusts of winds swept by and lifted the entire cart off the ground!

And then we landed about a foot farther down the road.

"Never mind, it was just a breeze." Megumin said, and then continued humming a song to herself, as the horses continued marching without even paying a single second of attention to the past event.

"A breeze?! What sort of breeze lifts two horses, four people, and an entire cart off the ground?!" I wiggled around on the bench tied up by the rope.

"Kazuma calm down, nothing bad happened. See? Even the horses don't care." She pointed over to the horses who nonchalantly continued on.

"They should care! What kind of horse doesn't even get a little spooked by that. Look! That one's eating some grass! It was just lifted into the air and it didn't even faze it's appetite!"

"Maybe you just need some rest. I haven't seen you sleep at all. I could, maybe, a big maybe, hold you while you sleep, if you can't?"

"Sleep?! Your romance-flags aren't worth shit right now! We can't sleep, not yet. Not me."

Seeing me in this state, Megumin reached her hand out towards my shoulder, but hesitated for a moment in the air, before letting it drop and sighed to herself. For a moment I almost gave in to her bashfulness, but I steeled myself in time, and remained vigilant. Try as they might, my goal was clear, I couldn't let any implied relationship development distract me from our survival.

I would talk about what happened with Aqua, but basically, it was Aqua. So we move on.

And so, it continued that everything was a threat on the entire trip. Those types of events went on...

"No! It's a micro-race! They'll spread the plague to a nearby town!"

"Kazuma, that's a squirrel."

And on...

"A giant flat-faced ground rising monster! What kind of demon king name did you say it possesses?!"

"A wall, Kazuma. That's a wall."

And on...

"Abominations from a person?! Th-those parasites grew in people?!"

"Yes, they're called children."

And on...

"A metal gold-headed beast! It's impervious to pain and knows no limit?!

"Kazuma, I know I didn't do my hair today, but to think you see me like this... p-please, stop, n-no more."

"It feeds on my insults!"

The more incidents that didn't end up with us in trouble, the more suspicious I became that it just didn't happen yet.

After three days of travel, Darkness, Megumin, and Aqua had grown tired of dealing with my antics. They began plotting things in secret, things such as methods to get rid of me, or incapacitate me for the time being.

"Can't we just like, push him off?"

"No, no. Without him, the housing situation is just..."

"Right..."

Things like that were being uttered while I had faked being asleep. In fact, I was faking being tied up as well. Truthfully, I knew at least five different ways to break free, but this lowers their guard considerably.

And you see, if I didn't pretend to be sleeping, they would tie my mouth up as well, so this was an ingenious plan to keep my wits about me and not allow these three idiots to somehow get us in trouble without my knowledge.

I had been trying to pay attention to their conversation, but this insect was making a suspicious chirping sound by my face, most likely, I had thought, that this was a Demon General trap. But I couldn't move my arms without alerting the girls, so I stretched out my neck, and ate it.

...It was at that time I had an epiphany.

I had absolutely lost it.

I tore open the ropes, and immediately bowed my head down to the floor in apology to the three of them. I apologized for my numerous actions during the trip, and how I was only acting out of my desire to see us succeed and survive.

Darkness grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into a hug, "Kazuma, you cared..."

Megumin joined us shortly after, "To think, you were just doing this out of concern."

"You heard us discuss our plans to abandon you?"

Ignoring the goddess who couldn't read the mood, we had a heartfelt discussion about my errors, and the purpose to my activities and attitude. Tears were shed, and many a feelings were spilled. The details are personal. But I felt that we had grown even closer. For the first time, I had truly felt like we had become more than a party, something like a family, perhaps. I felt that I, as a person, had grown to true maturity and adulthood, had we been fictional beings, I would feel that this was what was called character development.

In the end, it was a paranoia that was built up from the past events that, of course, something will happen to us, often sooner than later. Though we all agreed, me included, that such concerns of mine were overrated, in a show of good faith, Megumin, Aqua, and Darkness decided to appease some of those concerns. Thus, we would rotate who would be on watch duty for specific hours every night.

Aqua, after losing a game of rock-paper-scissors, ended up getting first duty. Though I had some unease letting Aqua take the first reigns for something so important, I had become far too tired to debate, and since our talk, I had started to believe in being able to place trust in my party mates.

And so, to the sounds of the rattling cart and Aqua mumbling about being tired too, I finally got some shut-eye.

When I awoke, the brightness from an unknown light source blinded me for a moment, and after a short moment of adjusting, I could only make out the silhouette of a chair and person on it.

"Welcome to the afterlife, Satou Kazuma." I wiped my eyes trying to clear up my vision, and was able to make out the fact that the silhouette was a woman. "So, you died." The woman shrugged her shoulders, as if saying eh, it happens.

"..."

This carefree attitude to a person's life ending. The nonchalant and irritating atmosphere. Long blue hair, shining in the light that covered only her chair and her person.

"Your rather short life is now officially over. So—"

"I want to be reincarnated in Japan."

I answered immediately.

Instant recognition.

My vision may have been obstructed, but my mind was crystal. I recognized this scene. I knew those words. For someone like me who is overly familiar with such fantasy tropes, going back in time is just another cliche, there would be no flustered scrambling on my part.

"O-oh. To Japan... so quick to decide, but you hadn't even heard the options, huh..." She rubbed her chin while she continued eating her potato chips.

Though I'm unsure how I died or was sent back in time, I had little doubt that it wasn't at least in part due to this worthless goddess and her so-called night shift. I hesitate to even imagine the circumstances that must have occurred for me to not only die, but not be revived as well.

It also does figure that in the end my paranoia was justified, and thus all character development was reversed. Never trust your so-called teammates.

But, more importantly, this is a golden opportunity, so I don't particularly care anymore.

"I want to go to Japan."

I wasn't going back to that place.

"Well, do you want to know how you died?"

"Nope."

"What about the girl you—"

"Don't care."

"You know, she—"

"Japan."

"I have these cards, that—"

"Japan."

"Hold on a second, you don't even know—"

"Ja—"

"I mean, there's all these—"

"—pan."

"..." She gave me a blank look in response.

"Japan."

"You... don't you have any respect for me? I'm a goddess, the one in charge of guiding the youth who die in Japan. At least hear out my proposal. You'll never have the opportunity to converse with someone as majestic as—hey what's with those laughing motions?! I'll have you know I'm a true goddess that—stop shaking! Look, I have an amazing proposition for you, something you'll never get to experience again, heed my words."

"You can't be eating potato chips and act like you will bestow some god-like wisdom on me."

"..."

"At least stop crunching!"

"I'll eat however I want! Can there be a person with such impudence to a goddess already, and from a worthless hikikomori?!"

"What kind of goddess eats potato chips and performs cheap party tricks?! Even worse, that's all you can do, worthless bitch!"

"Party tricks are a sacred art! If I could learn them, I would!"

"Fight that worthless part first!"

"You little—!"

Before long, Aqua and I were wrestling on the ground.

As we both ripped at each other's hair, and in the middle of this childish struggle, I had another epiphany, came to the realization of where I was, and tried to stop the fight.

"Wait, stop! We—don't slap me during a pause!"

"Ah, okay, okay! I'll stop, just lower your hand—don't slap me back!"

After about ten more minutes of struggling, I shoved Aqua off and held up my hands in peace. We had come to a (temporary) truce.

"So, basically, you're dead. Now, Kamuka—

"Kazuma."

"—you can go about this three different ways. One, you can go back to Japan—"

"Sold."

"Wait! You can go back to Japan—

"Sold!"

"Stop it! Look, you can go back to Japan, but you lose all your memories and personality. It's like losing yourself completely, you won't even be you, nor remember anything about the previous you. It's not even really going back to Japan, it's more like not going back at all. You stop existing, someone else exists in your place. Terrible, right?"

"Ah, I see, I see. Let's do it."

"Yeah, it's—still!? Ugh, okay, just... there's two other things as well. Let's go over them first. Heaven is the second option, but it's not really heaven. It's just boring, like really boring. You can't eat, sleep, drink, watch TV, read manga, masturbate, nothing. Worse than having no body, you don't even really have a mind. You just float forever, and talk to people. And not just everybody either, you can only talk to relatives, so for someone like you who is hated by his family, well, whatever."

"You're right, that's terrible. Let's just go back to Japan and—"

"The third way is super amazing! First, lemme ask you something, do you like video games?"

"Nope."

"Exactly, everybody likes video games. Adventure games where you can be the hero, save the princess, kill the demon king, become strong and powerful, all that good stuff, right?"

"Japan."

"And all of that adventure can be yours, and more! Instead of being limited by a video game, you can make it your life! You can be the real life hero, and slay the real life demon king! Transported to a fantasy world, your life will be your choosing! All you have to do is sign this here paper, on the dotted line, and you get to keep living with all your memories (probably), personality and existence intact. It's really the best option you can possibly have. And, for a limited time offer, I will personally grant you one wish that you can use to make yourself more powerful in almost any way you can imagine. Maybe a mystical weapon of some sorts? Or the ability to read minds! Talents and items of your choice! Anything you desire, all just by signing that paper!"

"Well, that sounds great, but not really for me. Now, that Japan thing—"

"Sign the damn paper."

"Not on your fucking life."

Immediately we both hopped up, and began glaring daggers at each other, circling around like a couple of animals ready to pounce.

There's no way I was going to Heaven, and that fantasy world was more than hellish. It was...

Wait.

No, the fantasy world wasn't bad.

That's right, though there are troublesome things like flying cabbages, there's also litle sister princesses that be saved, real parties with real adventures that can be taken. And... and so much money. I know how to make loads of money, just by inventing things. I can buy mansions and only quest when I feel like it. I have high luck, so I can accomplish many things. In fact, I don't even have to fight the demon king, I can just do what I want.

That's right, the only problem was my party. But now, now I can avoid them. I know what to look for, what flags to avoid. I don't need this worthless goddess Aqua, or the massively perverted degenerate Darkness, or that chuunibyou with only a single redeeming quality.

Yeah, I can do this, the right way this time. The fantasy world wasn't bad, just that party.

"Kamuka, you're going to sign that dotted line, or god help me—"

"I choose the fantasy world."

"That's right, you better... eh?! Seriously?!"

"Yeah, yeah. I changed my mind."

"Oh, well, great. Um, just sign the—"

"Here."

I handed her the paper, my name already written on it.

"O-oh. Okay. Right, so basically," she magically summoned a bunch of papers in front of me with items filled with wondrous descriptions, "fantasy world, yadda yadda yadda, demon king, yadda yadda yadda, one wish. Go ahead and read through those papers, or tell me something unique you might have thought up yourself." She went back to her throne and ate more potato chips.

Ah, I should ask something first.

"I don't have to fight the demon generals right?"

"How did... never mind. As to the question, no. Well, not really. You can do whatever you want. Eat, and drink all day. Do low level quests, or become a merchant. Make a harem, or become a cook. You can own an inn, or master all magic in the world. The demon king will kill you if you don't try to fight. And there's lots of cute girls and the food is pretty good."

"The demon king will what now?"

"Lots of cute girls."

"The killing part. Talk about that again."

"Ah, our time is running short. Make a wish already."

Tch.

Well, the killing thing is probably better than heaven still. Hopefully. I just have to try to help every once in a while, I'll be okay.

But what to wish for... first off, anything that's an item is eliminated. From previous experience, steal is too strong against those types. So, an ability. Something useful for my life.

Endless gold?

No, even with endless gold if someone strong just comes and kills me it's worthless. Besides, I can make gold fairly easily.

Immortality?

No, what if I'm captured and experimented on forever? Even more, there's too many tales of people who lament living forever.

Endless stats? Instant killing ability? Super powerful magic?

No, those paint an easy bulls-eye on my back. I'll obviously be targeted by everybody for every challenge. There's no way I'll be able to live a normal life.

Return by death?

C'mon, I'm not a fucking idiot.

Za Warudo?

Ora ora ora?

Decisions, decisions.

"C'mon already, chop chop, loser."

You... this worthless goddess. She didn't even explain why I was being transported to the fantasy world in the first place. She's clearly biased in her attempt to get there, and she's rude about it the whole way.

It's unbelievable that a person like this is a goddess.

She contributes virtually nothing, and is worth virtually nothing. In fact, she just sits there on her throne eating potato chips, reading manga and giggling to herself while lazing about all day and...

Wait a second.

"I can wish for anything, right?"

"Pretty much."

Just perfect. Absolutely perfect.

"I know what I want."

"Great, just yell it out and it will come true."

"I want to take your place. I wish to become a god."

"Excellent wish, newfound hero. Soon, you will embark—eh?!"

That moment a beam of light shined down on both Aqua and myself, and our positions in space were replaced. I was then sitting on the throne and Aqua was standing on the ground in front of me.

My grin couldn't be larger.

"AHAHAHA!"

"K-k-kazuma, what is this. You, this is a joke right? You'll fix this, right?"

"AHAHAHA!"

"Kazuma!"

I saw the hagoromo disappear from around Aqua's waist, and she hugged herself while the tears flooded from her eyes.

Delicious.

"Kazuma, please! Please, please, please, please—"

I tuned her out as I felt the light engulf my body, and closed my eyes to let it sweep through my soul. I could feel myself growing stronger, faster, gaining mana and stamina. So blissful.

"—please, please, please!"

I felt the pull on my collar, and my head was swung back and forth by Aqua who was probably gripping the top of my tracksuit in vain.

In pure vain.

Pure, pure, pure vain.

I threw back my head, and laughed aloud facing the ceiling.

"AHAHAHAHA!"

"—please, please, please!"

Still keeping my eyes closed, as the light continued shining down on me and her, I kept laughing aloud.

I had done it, I had won.

"What's with that guy, eh?"

"Yeah, that girl is crying and clinging to him, is this what they call a pervert play?"

"Somebody help that girl, that man is..."

Huh?

I opened my eyes, and looked around me.

First, Aqua was clinging to me, still shaking my head back and forth while pulling on my collar.

Next, there was a group of people surrounding us, all with dark glares in their eyes.

Except for one blonde one, with a much darker look on her eyes, but much brighter cheeks as well.

Finally, I noticed I was in a village center, old style houses and roads lay about.

Ah. That's right.

This was the starting town.

Again.

"—please, please, please!"