Gotham City Sirens

"I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's starting right now. Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be, part of your world!" sang Arleen Joker, racing to the edge of the slide and posing.

"That's a very pretty song, Arleen," said Annabel Crane, Jonathan Crane's middle daughter, as she looked up from the book she was reading. "Did you make it up yourself?"

"No, it's from The Little Mermaid," said Arleen, gazing at her curiously. "Haven't you seen it? You've got to have seen it!"

"Daddy doesn't approve of us watching films," commented Annabel's older sister, Katrina, who didn't look up from her book. "Especially not cartoons."

"But we've read the story, of course," said Annabel. "Very sad. I do enjoy a depressing tale though – for some reason, sad stories cheer me up like nothing else. And I suppose she was part of his world for a very brief instance, until he threw her over for the other woman and she ended up committing suicide rather than murder him."

Arleen stared at her. "What…what are you talking about?" she asked. "Ariel loses her voice for a bit, but she gets it back, and marries the prince, and lives happily ever after."

"Not in the real story," retorted Katrina. "In the real story he finds someone else, and she has the opportunity to save her own life if she murders him, but she chooses not to, and so she turns to sea foam."

"What does that mean?" asked Arleen.

"It means she dies," retorted Katrina. "I suppose it's a good moral about not sacrificing everything for someone you've never met, but it's certainly not the happiest of tales."

Arleen continued to stare at her. And then tears gathered in her big blue eyes, and a moment later, she began wailing at the top of her lungs, sobbing her heart out.

"Oh my God, what's going on?" demanded Harley Quinn, rushing over to the playground from the bench she had been sitting on to watch the children. "What happened? Did you hurt yourself, Leenie? I thought you were all playing nicely!"

"We were reading," said Annabel. "Arleen was playing The Little Mermaid, but then Katrina told her the real story, and now she's upset for some reason."

"It's so sad, Mommy!" sobbed Arleen, burying her face in her mother's clothes. "No prince, no happily ever after…no life at all!"

"Crying about the story doesn't change it, you know," snapped Katrina. "It just annoys people."

"Aw, c'mon, Leenie," said Harley, hugging her daughter gently. "I know you got your Mommy's high emotions and over-sensitivity, but it's just a story, sweetie."

"A horrible, unhappy story!" sobbed Arleen. "I think it's the saddest story I ever heard! She…she gives up everything for the prince and he…he finds someone else!"

Harley felt tears come to her own eyes. "Yeah, that…that is a sad story," she agreed, sniffing. "I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had given up everything for Mr. J, and he…he found another girl!"

She burst into tears, joining her daughter in uncontrollable sobbing. The Crane girls shared looks, unsure what to do, until Katrina reached for the phone in her pocket she was only meant to use in emergencies. She definitely thought this counted as one.

"What the hell happened?" demanded the Joker, as Harley and Arleen burst into their home, still sobbing, followed by Katrina, Annabel, and their parents. "I thought the girls had gone to the park!"

"They had," agreed Emilia Crane, nodding. "But apparently one of my girls told Arleen the real story of The Little Mermaid, which upset her very much. I'm not sure why Harley's crying…"

"Because I was thinking about what if I had been the mermaid, and given up my life under the sea to be with my puddin', only he turned out to be a horrible monster who didn't really love me!" sobbed Harley, throwing herself into Joker's arms. Arleen wrapped herself around his waist, hugging him tightly while still sobbing.

"Well, one half of that story might be true," muttered Jonathan Crane under his breath.

His wife elbowed him sharply, hissing, "Jonathan! Anyway, the girls are very sorry they upset Arleen and Harley, aren't you, girls?" she continued, turning to her daughters.

They both nodded, although Annabel looked considerably more contrite than Katrina did, who just looked at Arleen and Harley with an expression which questioned their sanity.

"Well, they damn well should be!" snapped Joker. "And you should be sorry too! What kinda horrible parents tell their kids depressing stories like that?"

"When I was a girl, I always preferred the real versions of fairy tales to the Disney ones," replied Emilia. "I don't know why – something about the unflinching darkness and brutal truth of them really spoke to me."

"You deserve the fear nerd, you know that?" snapped Joker.

"Yes, I do," agreed Emilia, kissing her husband. "I'm not sure why that's an insult."

"I trust the boys haven't been having the same emotional turmoil here?" asked Crane.

"Nah, they're playing video games, and you don't tend to get emotionally scarred by video games," said Joker. "If anything, they desensitize you to the violence with all the shooting randomers and whatnot."

"I was emotionally scarred by Arkham City," sobbed Harley. "And Arkham Knight. First you died, and then you were locked away forever, puddin'…"

"I told you, pumpkin pie, that wasn't the real me," said Joker, patting her on the head. "It was just a game. Though that Hamill guy who voices me does sound exactly like me, which adds to the realism…"

"Daddy, I'm still upset by the horrible mermaid story!" sobbed Arleen, clinging to her father's leg.

"Aw, ok, princess," said Joker, kneeling down and picking her up. "What can Daddy do to make it better?" he asked, wiping away her tears.

Arleen sniffed. "Maybe…maybe tell a mermaid story of your own? Maybe involving you and Mommy? With a happy ending and all?"

"Oh yes, please, puddin'!" begged Harley. "I've always wanted to be a mermaid! That's why I chose the name for the club me and Red and Selina were in – the Gotham City Sirens! Sirens are like mermaids, you know."

"Why would you wanna be a mermaid?" demanded Joker. "You hate fish! You have an irrational phobia about fish – why would you want to be half fish, and have to swim around associating with fish?"

"It's a fantasy – it don't have to make sense!" snapped Harley. "You of all people should know that!"

"What fantasies do I have that don't make sense?" demanded Joker.

"The ones about you and Batman!" she snapped.

"Those make sense!" he retorted. "They're just unlikely to happen!"

"You have…fantasies about Batman?" asked Crane, slowly.

"Yes, I have a personal dream that one day we'll be partners driving around in a van solving mysteries together," snapped Joker. "He'll be the boring, straightlaced one, and I'll be the funny, comedic one. It'll be like a buddy cop show, except we'll kill people more often than not, and our ratings will be through the roof. Is that so weird?"

"Um…no?" said Crane, glancing at his wife, who shrugged.

"To be fair, it's not as weird as what you were probably thinking," she replied.

"Anyway, I guess you can be my very own little mermaid, pooh," said Joker, turning to Harley.

She beamed, and then her smile fell suddenly. "Not the fish head again," she muttered. "I was sick of that gag the first time…"

Joker shoved a giant fish head onto her, laughing hysterically. "Too late – it's hysterically funny and bears repeating!" he chuckled. "Now keep that on while I tell the story," he said, ignoring the glare she was giving him. "And gather round everyone. J.J., Irving!" he called to his and Crane's son, who were playing video games in the living room. "You wanna hear a mermaid story?"

"I think we'd rather keep killing these civilians, Dad!" called back J.J.

"Like father, like son," sighed Joker. "Anyway, this story will probably be too mushy for them anyway. I don't think we're gonna have a singing, Jamaican crab, or the Buddy Hackett seagull for comic relief, but don't worry. I still think there'll be laughs aplenty from the Clown Prince, the object of Little Mermaid Harley's affection, and who can blame her for adoring him from just one look since he's stunningly handsome and incredibly funny?"

"Is there any way we can leave before he starts?" Crane asked his wife.

"Once upon a time…" began Joker, sitting down on the sofa with Harley in the fish head on one side and Arleen in his lap, while Katrina and Annabel sat on the floor in front of him.

"Too late," sighed Emilia, taking a seat on the sofa. Her husband reluctantly joined her and listened to the Joker's take on the Gotham City Sirens.