"Um…Joker…I do wonder if maybe…the Batman-ta-ray has to die," spoke up Emilia Crane suddenly, breaking in on the story. "Wouldn't it be better for the story if there was a non-violent solution to the problem?"

Joker stared at her. "What kinda terrible writer are you?" he demanded. "People love violence! And not killing your main antagonist is just anti-climactic in a narrative!"

"Actually, I find it rather refreshing, especially in a story for children," said Emilia, looking in concern at her daughters.

Joker rolled his eyes. "You and the Bat, obsessed with not killing for some bizarre reason. It's a perfectly natural act, and part of the rich tapestry that makes up the circle of life."

"Don't you dare compare my wife to Batman!" snapped Crane.

"Hey, you're in enough trouble, pal!" snapped Joker. "Don't escalate it by giving me lip!"

"Well, Batman objects to real violence, and I only object to fictional," replied Emilia. "I just think it shows a lack of imagination. It's so cliché, to kill off your villains. I always like leaving them out there with the threat of a possible return lurking in the shadows. It also makes for an easy sequel. Obviously in real life if it's a real enemy and someone you don't want lurking around, violence is acceptable for your own peace of mind, and you probably should kill them. But personally I like to keep fiction and reality largely separate."

"I guess that's a point," sighed Joker. "All right, I won't kill him. Now I gotta think of a way to work that into the story…"

"Do we have to kill him?" asked Selina.

"Of course we do!" shouted both the Clown Prince and Ivy.

"No, Selina's right," spoke up Harley. "There has to be a way to eliminate the danger without killing him…think, Joker, think…not killing people is not my usual go-to method...aha! Got it! We'll sing to him!"

"Hang on, Daddy," spoke up Arleen. "Can the mermaid's magic voices really affect someone like the Batman-ta-ray, who also has magic powers?"

"Yes," said Joker, firmly. "Yes, they can, princess. Their voices are hypnotic to all men, remember? That includes the Batman-ta-ray."

"I don't think you established that before," pointed out Annabel.

"Yes, it's sloppy writing to have an ability you've not mentioned before suddenly save the day," said Katrina. "It's called a deus ex machina, and it's only used by terrible writers who've backed themselves into a corner and can't figure out a way to get out of their own stupid plot other than introducing something unexpected."

"I'm gonna introduce something unexpected to you, kid, like my fist to your face," snapped Joker.

"Right, we're leaving," said Crane, standing up. "You are not threatening my daughter. We're all leaving right now."

"That's probably for the best," sighed Emilia. "Before a fight breaks out, and I don't mean between the children, just the people acting like them," she said, shooting a glance at her husband.

"Let me show you out," said Harley, with the fish head still on her head.

"Irving, are you coming or staying?" called Emilia into the living room.

"I suppose I'll go," said Irving, handing the controller back to J.J. "I think spending half the day inside is quite enough. Plus video games aren't really my thing."

"You seemed to enjoy that football one," commented J.J.

"No, I didn't enjoy that," said Irving hastily. "Not at all. Why would I be enjoying a game involving sports? That's preposterous."

"Ok, sorry," said J.J., shrugging. He came to join his family as the Crane family left, taking a seat on the sofa. "So where are we up to in the story?"

"You've arrived just in time for the climactic ending," said Joker, as Harley returned.

"Cool. Why is Mom wearing a fish head?" asked J.J.

"Because she wanted to be a mermaid," retorted Joker.

J.J. chuckled. "Good one, Dad," he said.

"Can I take it off now, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"Not until the end of the story," retorted Joker. "Which I will now continue with."

So Mermaid Harley quickly covered up the Clown Prince's ears as the three sirens began singing at the Batman-ta-ray, who gradually stopped struggling against the rocks as he fell under their spell.

"There's a good boy," purred Ivy. "Now listen to me. You are to stop this silly spell at once and return to your normal size. Then you are to swim to the furthest corner of the ocean and never bother me or my queendom ever again. And your deals with all of us are off – you are to apologize to all of us, and you are to release me from your service. The only men I'll be drowning now will be for me, not for you."

"That's the spirit," said the Clown Prince. "Killing people is fine if it's your own choice."

"Don't take that tone with me," snapped Ivy.

"What tone? I was being serious," retorted the Clown Prince.

Without a word, the Batman-ta-ray slowly began to shrink down to his normal size. "I am truly sorry for the damage I caused you, both physically and emotionally," he said. "Selina, I never should have toyed with your heart the way I did. I used your genuine affection for my own selfish ends, and I apologize. Harley, I never should have tried to trick you into giving up your voice. And Ivy, I never should have made that bargain with you. And I did cause that storm that ruined your true love's kiss."

"I knew it!" exclaimed Ivy. "Should have killed you after all, you lying jerk!"

"No harm done in the end though, I don't think," said the Batman-ta-ray, nodding toward the shore where Two-Face stood, looking out to sea at her. "But I'll leave before I can do any more. After all, this world doesn't need some lone psychopath trying to mandate justice. It has enough lunatics running around without me."

He disappeared below the waves, and everyone let out a collective sigh of relief. "Well, I was looking forward to impaling and electrocuting him, like in the movie, but I guess she's right, this does have good sequel potential," conceded the Clown Prince. "Though if you ask me, Mr. Disney, that's a little violent for a kid's movie too."

"What's a movie?" asked Harley.

"Nothing," said the Clown Prince. "Anyway, can I get a lift back to shore?"

They all three returned to the beach, where they were met by Two-Face, the Mad Hatter, and the Scarecrow. "Well, whatever you did, we owe you our thanks," said the Mad Hatter, removing his hat.

"If you wanna thank us, keep our existence a secret," said Ivy. "I don't want humans knowing that we exist. I still don't trust most of them. Just one," she said, looking at Two-Face.

"Ivy, would you consider staying on land with me?" asked Two-Face.

She shook her head slowly. "I have a queendom to run, Harvey. I can't give all that up for some man."

"Oh. Ok," he said, sadly.

She smiled. "But I'll swim up to the surface fairly frequently, and not just to drown men, but to visit one man in particular," she said. "You know, just because we mermaids don't reproduce in the human way doesn't mean we can't engage in the human reproductive act."

"Really? How does that work?" asked the Clown Prince.

"I'm not explaining it to you!" snapped Ivy.

"Yeah, I guess it wouldn't be appropriate in a children's story," conceded the Clown Prince.

"I don't want you taking advantage of Harley in that way," snapped Ivy.

Harley had been curled up on the beach next to the Clown Prince, and now turned to Ivy. "Mother, I want to stay on land with him permanently," she said.

"You can't," snapped Ivy. "It's not possible now that you have your tail again."

"You gave me my tail again – surely you can give me legs again," said Harley.

"No, that's not how it works," retorted Ivy. "I can only do it once. I'm sorry, Harley, but you're going to have to come back under the sea with us."

Tears came to Harley's eyes. "But…I love him," she stammered.

"So you can visit him, like I visit Harvey," snapped Ivy. "Just not as often, and you'll be closely monitored whenever you do. Now come along," she said, trying to tug her back under the water. "Say goodbye."

"Wait," said Harley, breaking away from her. She swam back to the shoreline, where the Clown Prince was kneeling down. She took his hand. "I'm sorry," she said. "Please believe that I'd rather do anything in the world than leave you. Including fighting the Batman-ta-ray again."

"Well…it's like she said, we'll visit," said the Clown Prince, although Harley could see that his usual smile looked a little forced. "And what with you doing princess stuff and me ruling my own kingdom, we'll probably be so busy that we won't even have time to miss each other."

"I think I'll miss you every second," whispered Harley. "I won't be able to stop thinking about you. It's not fair that we have to be apart like this, when the only thing we want in the world is to be together."

"Well, life's not fair," commented the Scarecrow.

"Shut up, buzzkill!" snapped the Clown Prince. "So…I guess this is goodbye," he said, turning back to her.

"I guess so," agreed Harley, tears trailing down her face.

"Daddy, you promised this story would have a happy ending!" cried Arleen. "This doesn't look like it's going to be a very happy ending at all!"

"Just wait, princess," said Joker.

So the Clown Prince took Harley in his arms, and gently pulled her into a kiss. And then something magical happened.

Harley began to feel a strange, warm glow surrounding her, and then there was a blinding flash of light, and when she opened her eyes, her legs had been restored. She gasped, standing up and throwing herself into the Clown Prince's arms. "I got my legs back!" she exclaimed. "I got my legs back!"

"Yeah, everyone can kinda see that, and everything else," said the Clown Prince, hastily taking off his jacket and draping it around her.

"How is that possible?" gasped Ivy, horrified.

"True love's kiss, Ivy," retorted Selina. "It's the most magical thing in the world, and clearly possesses powers we're unfamiliar with."

"Don't even think about it," snapped Ivy, as Two-Face approached her. "I don't want to be stuck with legs forever!"

"Cheer up, Mother," said Harley. "When I learn to swim with these things, I can swim out to the rocks and meet you. I'll watch you and Selina lure sailors to their doom just like old times, how about that?"

"But most importantly, we'll live happily ever after," said the Clown Prince, embracing his mermaid princess. And they did. The End.

Arleen sighed in relief. "Thank goodness. I was worried for a while there that things might not end happily ever after."

"Isn't the magic true love's kiss fixing everything another one of those things Katrina was talking about?" asked Harley. "A duo sex mockingbird?"

"Deus ex machina," corrected J.J. "And it's more just a trite trope than anything else."

"Everyone's a critic," retorted Joker. "You weren't even here for most of the story, J.J."

"It wasn't a criticism, Dad," said J.J., shrugging. "Originality is overrated. Most of the really great stories are just rehashes of tried and tested narratives. The archetypal hero story, for instance, can be found in everything from Shakespeare to Star Wars."

"Well, it's like comedy, like I said," said Joker, nodding. "New material can be great, but every once in a while, people just like to hear their old favorites. And speaking of old favorites, I gotta get to planning my scheme for Batsy," he said, glancing at his watch. "Can't be sitting around telling stories all day – that's not being a very responsible nemesis."

"Thanks for the story, Daddy," said Arleen. "Now I can keep playing mermaid without being sad."

"And I can take the fish head off," said Harley cheerfully, reaching up to remove it.

"No, you can't," snapped Joker. "Leave it on for dinner. And maybe even for bed."

"Why would you want me wearing this in bed?" asked Harley.

"Well, maybe the mermaid thing is a fantasy of mine too," said Joker, smiling at her. "Just not in the usual way we think of mermaids."

"…I'm concerned, puddin'," said Harley, slowly. "That might be creepier than the Batman thing…"

"It's a joke, Harl," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "Mostly I just enjoy demeaning and humiliating you. The shrinks say that's what makes our relationship special," he said, patting her on the fish head.

"True love, all right," sighed J.J. "And speaking of demeaning and humiliating, when is Aunt Ivy visiting again?"

The End