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SasuSaku Festival 2017; Day 4

Prompt: Sasuke's Regrets

Another Night. Another Day

It was night.

Another night.

A night so dark and silent that it was frightening.

Perhaps another person would have found soothing the calm outside. The weather was perfect, and all beings seemed to enjoy a peaceful sleep. However, for a man who fought daily to keep his mind occupied, who took up dozens of missions only to not have to think, who was willing to do anything to run from his thoughts, this night was awful. It stirred a fight he could not win.

Because Sasuke Uchiha was a haunted man, one whose thoughts tormented him mercilessly, until his head ached and his heart hurt.

He had done so many things he wished he hadn't. It was not because he was not satisfied with where he was now, but he didn't feel worthy of what he had. Sakura deserved a better man - she deserved someone who would have put the world at her feet, who would have never done anything wrong to her, she deserved to be loved in a way he didn't know, fully, completely, passionately. She deserved to be with a man who wasn't haunted by the past.

She was warm, and kind, and loving… and she had chosen him.

She'd given him her heart, her mind, her body; he'd only shattered her. Sasuke knew he was lucky. She was more than a special person, she was more than the tamer of his demons - she was the woman who inflicted emotions in his cold heart. She was his light.

He repaid her with bringing darkness in their home.

His wife shifted beside him, cuddling closer. He watched her beautiful features, and his grip on her tightened. All was surreal. He couldn't believe she had actually waited for him. The years of her youth, the years she should have been carefree. She had spent those crying for him, searching for him, getting stronger for him.

Sasuke gulped and turned his face to the window, nor bearing to look at her.

He'd been a jerk, an idiot, a low-life. He regretted that he'd made her suffer. He despised himself for it. Seldom, he looked in the mirror and wondered when Sakura would realise just what kind of person she had beside.

He had abandoned her…

…that spiteful night. She had promised to help him, to fill the void in his life with love. She explained to him that revenge wouldn't bring anyone happiness. He wished he had listened to her, but his mind was disturbed at the moment. She had been right, of course. The killing of his brother only made him more miserable. He had thought that he'd feel relief, consolation. He had been more lost than ever. He'd been utterly alone.

Then, he had tried to kill her…

…and he was glad that the dobe interfered before he could commit a sin only death itself would erase. He hadn't been thinking straight back then. His heart was filled with more darkness than ever - to the point where not even her light could reach. He was a hollow shell, an abyss of despair. She didn't hate him for this, but he did. He would look at his hand and curse every day that that hand attempted to curb the life of the only person who had never given up on him. Naruto had been there for him, too, since they shared a special bond. But, in the end, it was Sakura who'd rather die herself than hurt him. She, the medic, the lover, the friend - she was his everything; and he had tried to break her to the point of no return. He had tried to destroy her, to twist her, to make her hate him. He had wanted to believe that she was just like the others: she'd be gone one day, and he couldn't afford to get close to her.

Afterwards, he had put her under a Genjutsu…

…that was meant to break her mind, will, heart, and spirit. He regretted making decisions for her. He regretted not being able to fight his madness. People looked up to him in regards of strength and skill. In truth, Sasuke knew he was a coward and a weakling. He'd never done anything else than run away. He hated it about himself. He'd never been able to accept his feelings as a part of who he was; Sakura, on the other way, she was strong. She had fought for the two of them, she had walked with her heart in hands, confessing her feelings and not backing down even after he mocked her for them.

As if it hadn't been enough…

…he left her alone again, going on a journey to see the world, to atone for his sins. It sounded noble indeed. But he regretted that decision as soon as he had lost the sight of her. He'd told her that she had nothing to do with his sins - and it was true, she was a blessing. But she deserved more than to be left behind again. He deserved more than waiting. A part of him had hoped that she'd let go and find her happiness. Yet, steady and determined, she waited for him once more. She'd never once complained, and it made him feel worse. He wanted her to scream, to be angry, to realise that he'd never be able to give her as much as she could give. He gave her everything, but he was only half a man. Though, she filled that half with love for him, too. And he was sorry for not being able to be someone else.

If only he could start life once more… Sakura encircled his waist, and he put a kiss on her forehead.

He'd been a horrible husband and a worse father. He was flawed, and the fact that she accepted him made Sasuke wish he was another man. Because Sarada deserved better than a man who wouldn't recognise his own daughter, he deserved better than an absent dad. He was afraid - and he regretted being such a coward, even in his thirties. If he had stood too much around, she'd have eventually realised what a ruin he was, what a monster.

Sasuke gulped. Suddenly, there wasn't enough air in the room.

He regretted so many things in this damned life of his. He didn't let anyone see behind his walls, but he cared, he had feelings, he was human - and it scared the shit out of him. He'd been numb for so long that he didn't know how to deal with being alive.

"Mm," his wife murmured, and he tried to control his erratic breathing.

He squeezed her shoulder, and she snuggled closer. She breathed life into him. She was light, and warmth, and spring, and tomato soup on a cold night.

He had done nothing but to shatter her, he knew.

For that, he paid the price. He spent every second thinking about how he could make her happy, he tried to be a better man, he was more present in Sarada's life. It wasn't that he wanted to atone his sins - he wanted to repay her kindness and patience. Because if she could fight all those years, why couldn't he do the same?

He was not the best at expressing feelings, but he tried very hard for her. He'd crack a smile, he'd caress her skin, and he'd be home more often. He had enough regrets to keep him awake at night, he didn't need anymore. He had enough for a lifetime. Sakura would argue, saying that he didn't have to do anything, that he was alright just how he was and that, as long as he was happy, she was happy, too. But he wanted more for her. For once, he wanted to be happy because she was happy.

He had regrets, but she had been the one to suffer all those years. She deserved peace and happiness more than he did. He had those thanks to her. He wanted, for once, to be more than the cause of her misery.

He didn't know how much time passed, but the sun was on the horizon.

It was day.

Another day.

It was sunny and warm and reminded him of his mistakes. He sighed. Sakura's fingers intertwined with his.

He'd been in the pits of hell for the wrong reasons; yet, he realised that he'd go there once more if it was for Sakura's sake - not that it was the case. But because she had been there to offer him her hand when it mattered the most, because she had wiped away his tears, because she chased away his demons, he'd continue living, walking step by step on the road of his atonement.

He walked on earth day and night, searching for a way to make things right. And he'd do it ceaselessly.

Sakura kissed his cheek and whispered a "good morning." He returned the gesture in a manner she considered adorably clumsy.

He closed his eyes. Those eyes of his, the powerful Sharingan, they would never let him forget his mistakes. Power came with a price, and he regretted it only to some extent - he could protect his precious persons, after all. He understood now the role of the tremendous power.

He was haunted, and sour, and tormented but…

Another night had passed. Another day appeared.

…he was no longer alone.

Sakura's hand was still into his.