Chapter 1

Anya Shepard threw her helmet the moment she made it through the door to her cabin on the Normandy SR-2. The mission on Horizon had had her stomach in knots until she finally saw with her own eyes that Kaidan was alive. Once she saw him, though…

"That fuck," she growled to herself, not for the first time. The shuttle ride back with Garrus and Jack had been painful, with Shepard trying desperately to turn her emotions from sorrow to anger. Garrus had said that he knew Kaidan was wrong, quietly, and Jack had loudly called her former lover a bitch. While their efforts had briefly drawn a smile from her, it hadn't helped long term.

She stripped her armor off in angry, jerky motions. She knew she should have probably stopped by the armory instead of essentially bee-lining for her sanctuary, but justified it by telling herself that it would be better to take it down after it had been cleaned and she was in a better mood. Jacob spent most of his waking hours there, and she didn't want the hassle of apologizing later if she snapped at him.

Once her armor was piled in the same general corner of the room, she headed straight for her shower, intent on washing away the grime of battle. A nice, long shower after what she had been through seemed like it could be cathartic. She barely waited for the water to warm before plunging in, and in no time the water was almost painfully hot.

"How could you put me through that?!"

The words had come back to her, unbidden, and she found herself with gritted teeth and clenched fists.

"I loved you!"

There was the phrase that had made her heart fall. There was the phrase where she realized that this was destined to go as badly as she had feared. That wasn't even taking into consideration the way he had retreated from her, disgust on his face, the moment she had told him of her involvement with Cerberus. That look was the thing that gnawed on her insides. She started washing herself vigorously in an attempt to distract herself from that moment, frozen in her mind like a photograph.

"You betrayed the Alliance…betrayed me."

That was the moment when Shepard had decided that Kaidan Alenko could go deep throat a cactus.

She had shifted tactics at that point. She had decided that she would handle her feelings later, and tried to appeal to his logical mind, though she knew it was unlikely that he would come around. He was a lost cause on both fronts. When he mentioned needing to make his report back on the Citadel, she just let him go. She had too much on her plate to try to drag an ex through the galaxy, traipsing from one conflict to another.

(It wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth it. I wish he would have been.)

That was the real problem, wasn't it? She had hoped that when she finally found him, it would be easy. She had hoped that they could have fallen back into what there had been between them. Garrus had chosen to follow her again, hardly skipping a beat. Tali, Liara, and Wrex made it clear that they wanted to do the same, though their responsibilities made that impossible for the time being. Those refusals didn't cut her the way Kaidan's had.

"I don't need Alenko," she muttered, still angry. Why wasn't sorrow even trying to rear its head? She stopped herself from questioning it further, knowing that it would just lead to her wondering for what seemed like the thousandth time if Cerberus had tampered with her brain after all. She started actively focusing on her breathing, almost as if she were practicing channeling her biotics, until even the anger bled out of her.

She finished her shower, a more calm than when she had entered. As she toweled herself off, she heard her omni-tool go off. She held out her arm to check, and felt a pang of embarrassment. Garrus had sent her a message. She opened it with a touch of trepidation.

You okay?

The message was short and to the point. She weighed her options before typing out a message.

More embarrassed and angry than anything. I'll live.

His response was almost instantaneous.

Meet me at the bar.

She smiled. She was sure that if she went to the ship's lounge to meet him, she'd have a decent time, talking shit about Kaidan, and talking about everything and nothing when that got dull. Her face fell, though. She was sure that her other squad mates, well-meaning as they might be, would come to the bar to check on her, and their attempts to make her feel better would almost invariably make her feel worse.

Bar might be a bad idea. Not sure if I'm up to dealing with everyone right now.

She had started to get dressed when he replied again.

Want me to bring the bar to you, then? We can drink, get your armor clean, and get into minute detail about why Alenko is pathetic.

Anya snorted.

What makes you think my armor isn't clean already?

His next response was so fast she was sure he was just waiting for her message to send it.

I know you. You never clean your armor first.

She smiled.

Shut up. Bring alcohol.

She knew he likely wouldn't reply again until he reached her door, so she rushed to get dressed in her crewman's outfit and pull out her supplies for cleaning her armor. She then arranged her armor in a neat pile on the table by the couch. She was still adjusting the pile to make it look like it wasn't staged when she heard her omni-tool ping again. It was Garrus again.

Open up.

She rolled her eyes at the brevity of the message, but hurried to the door. He had three bottles in the crook of his arm, and he smiled, or did the turian approximation of a smile, as soon as she let him in.

"How much do you think I'm going to be drinking?" she teased.

"One's for me. I wasn't sure if we were going for tipsy or drunk, though, so the wine and the whiskey are all yours," was his reply, taking his free hand to offer them both.

"We'll play it by ear," she said, noncommittally.

"Nothing wrong with that. Now, where'd you hide the armor?"

She snorted and directed him to her little seating area.

"Let's get to it, then." Her voice was a little quieter than she'd meant. She suddenly wasn't sure if she could handle talking about what had happened on Horizon. She was surprised when she didn't feel tears pricking her eyelids, or her stomach turn to lead. Not for the first time, she wondered what was wrong with her to make her feel so distant about what had happened with Kaidan. She took a seat on the couch and snagged her chest plate.

Garrus sat down next to her and watched her for a moment.

"You sure you're okay, Shep?" His voice was even and soothing. He grabbed her helmet and a cloth, but made no more movements while he waited.

"I don't…I don't know." Anya was reluctant to admit it, but it was true. Garrus just kept waiting while she gathered her thoughts. "I just…I'm hurting some, but it's not like I expected. I thought it would be worse, I guess. I'm angry, and I know my pride it hurting, but I don't feel sad about what happened on Horizon for shit. I don't understand that."

Garrus finally stopped watching her while he set about cleaning the helmet. "How did you feel when you found out that it had been two years since you saw everybody?"

"I don't know. What does that have to do with Alenko?"
"Maybe a lot. Maybe not much." He shrugged. "Just think about it."

"I was angry and confused. I spent a lot of time afraid, worrying that some of you guys were dead," she finally answered.

"How did you feel about Alenko after you realized it?"

"I guess I felt lost. I felt like there was no way he and I would…I don't know. Like there was no chance in hell we were going to be on the same page anymore." She started aggressively cleaning the small dips in between the plates of her aegis vest. "I was pretty upset. I loved Kaidan before."

"Ever think that you might have started grieving the relationship then? It's been a while since you woke up, it's not a crazy thought. Horizon might just be your closure."

"That actually makes me feel a little better. I keep worrying."

"What? Why?" Garrus looked back up at her, puzzled.

"I…because I…" she couldn't help her hesitation, "…because I was brought back by Cerberus. I don't know if they…did…something…to me." She knew the words probably sounded lame.

Garrus snorted. "They could create something that looks like you, but there's no way you could be perfectly replicated."

"What if they messed me up, though? Still brought me back, but not quite right? I know Miranda tried to talk the Illusive Man into putting a chip in my brain," she groused. Garrus gaped at her for a moment.

"What a bitch," he finally muttered, mostly to himself, turning back to the helmet in his talons. Anya laughed. "What? You know I'm not wrong."

"She's not that bad."

"The fact that you have to say it like that means it's still pretty bad." His expression perked up a little when she laughed again. "Anyway, if Cerberus, the human rights promotion group, had really played with your brain, I don't think you'd still treat me the same. You still treat me like a comrade in battle, and a friend outside of combat. I think I'd notice."

"Awww, going soft on me?" she teased, just before she bumped his shoulder with hers, pleased with his response.

"Absolutely," he laughed. "If I got much softer, I'd be nearly as squishy as you."

She snorted. "You're ridiculous."

Garrus delayed responding by placing the helmet down and picking up the bottle of wine. He opened it with quick motions as he said, "If you say so. Though, since we're on the topic of things that are ridiculous, what the hell was up with Alenko's hair? Spirits…"