So about ten years ago I read a story about how exhausting the first few weeks of motherhood are, and while I've heard about that dozens of times since then, that specific story always stuck with me. So I decided to write a oneshot based on that story, since the general details fit the Scorpion narrative well enough anyway.
This isn't tied into any other fic I've written, just a standalone.
Paige couldn't remember the last time she was this exhausted. At least at the end of her labor, she was able to sleep.
Rushing from the bedroom – where she'd only gratefully laid her head less than ten minutes earlier – she scooted around the first crib and bent over the second, lifting her screaming daughter. "Tess, Tess, shhhhh, it's okay." Paige bounced the baby gently, holding her head against her chest. "Shhhhh," she soothed, "shhhhh." She wished the baby was a bit older – then she could be admonished with a stern Lyric O'Brien, middle and last following her daughter's first name – but unfortunately, she hadn't needed raising Ralph to know that week old children didn't respond to that.
Tess continued to wail. "I know you're not hungry," Paige said, glancing over at the empty bottle, knocked on its side near the sink. No, she must have spent the four extra minutes she took to be born figuring out how to be less of a picky eater than her sister. Based on the feel of the baby against her other hand, she didn't need to be changed either. Paige dropped her voice to a whisper. "Is this about your name? Because people change their names all the time, you just gotta get old enough to tell me that you don't want it and we can do something."
Tess's hand curled into a fist and she pounded it against her mother's collarbone, the tempo matching the pounding in Paige's head. "Yeah, I'm frustrated too, baby girl," she said. Walking around the coffee table, she settled on the couch, rocking the infant gently. "There were ten in a bed, and the little one said "roll over, roll over." So they all rolled over and one fell out. There were nine in a bed, and the little one said "roll over, roll over." So they all rolled over..."
By the time there were three in the bed, Tess had quieted, her thumb in her mouth, her eyes wide, looking up at her mother. Paige didn't know if she was old enough to see her well yet, or if, at this distance, she was just a shape, a sound, a smell to her younger daughter.
Paige didn't really care what Tess was seeing at the moment. She was quiet, and that was what mattered.
Paige tipped her head back and closed her eyes, then opened them, terrified that in her exhaustion she would actually fall asleep holding the baby. She blinked rapidly, trying to make it easier to keep them open.
"Wa," Tess said, her thumb popping out of her mouth. She smiled up at her mother. Paige smiled. "Turn that W upside down and your first word will be ma! Yes it will." She ran her finger along the baby's jawline. "Do you think you can go back in the crib now, Tessa? Mommy really needs..."
She finished the sentence, but to sleep was drowned out by the unmistakable screeching of Tessa's twin. Paige tipped her head back. "No," she groaned, frustrated tears springing to her eyes.
Walter hadn't wanted to leave. Ever since the scan at fourteen weeks had revealed the second baby, he'd promised her that he wasn't going anywhere, not in the first six weeks, the infamous exhausting adjustment period that followed the hospital visit. No, no running off on cases for Walter O'Brien while she struggled through caring for two newborn babies that needed her every hour. He promised her, time and time again, that there was nothing that could pull him away from her and their daughters.
But then there were sixteen million lives at stake, and Walter O'Brien was the greatest hacker in the world.
He still was hesitant to go. And in his defense, Paige had told him to. "Walter, we're talking sixteen million lives. You have to go. Greater good. The survival of an entire country. Walter, you have to. Neither of us will ever forgive ourselves if you stay with me."
"Drew left you," Walter said. "I promised you I wouldn't make you do this alone."
"Drew left for good," Paige said. "This is a job. You'll be home in less than a week. I can handle them. And Ralph will be helping when he's not in school. Walter, we save everybody. Or at least, as many as we can. And these people will die if you don't go." She refrained from bringing up Baghdad, from reminding him that this would hurt even worse, especially since, this time, he was capable of stopping it.
So Walter had lifted both their daughters from the cribs, one by one, holding them close and kissing their heads, before pulling Paige into his arms. "I don't like this," he whispered.
"I don't either," Paige admitted, closing her eyes. "But you have to."
As Paige lowered Tess into her crib and reached for Vanessa, her exhaustion made her selfishly wish that Walter had stayed home.
The problem with the older baby was obvious – she'd refused to nurse the last time Tessa ate and was undoubtedly hungry now. Paige shuffled toward the kitchen, stepping out of one of her slippers and feeling the cold tile on her right foot. Holding Vanessa in one hand, she stuck the bottle in the portable warmer.
"Are you going to be a good girl and drink it this way?" She asked, angling her neck down to put her nose in the baby's hair. Where Tess was almost the spitting image of Paige herself as a newborn, light haired but nearly bald, Vanessa had come into the world with thick dark hair, looking more like her late aunt than either of her parents.
Vanessa stuck her thumb in her mouth, sucked for a couple of seconds, the resumed crying. "I know, I know, just give it another minute and we'll get you fed. Then maybe you can fall asleep and Mommy can get some rest too, does that sound good? Good and fun? All three of us sleeping at the same time? I think that sounds very fun."
The warmer clicked off, and Paige carried the bottle and baby over to the rocker, settling down and shifting Vanessa into a comfortable position for both of them before directing the bottle to her mouth.
Vanessa, who had started to coo happily as they settled into the rocker, made a face and turned her head. Paige tried again, touching the nipple to her daughter's lips. Vanessa had drank from a bottle a grand total of one time in her six days of life. Paige felt her frustration begin to bubble up again as, for the third time in less than a minute, her daughter refused it. "Please take the bottle, Mommy is so sore." The baby wrinkled her nose and started to cry again. Paige felt tears spring to her eyes. "Please take this, please, it's the exact same product, I promise. You did it on Tuesday."
No such luck. Paige sighed and unbuttoned the top of her shirt, wiggling her arm through and unzipping the panel in the front of her bra. As soon as she was shifted into position, the baby latched on.
"Oh, you're so lucky that Mommy loves you," Paige said, wincing and biting her lower lip. It's been almost a week, she reminded herself. They'll feel fine in a few days. "Owwww," she said, quietly but aloud, letting out a long breath between her lips.
"Ehhhh," came a sound from the crib, accompanied by some quiet thumps.
"Be quiet!" Paige snapped, instantly clapping her hand over her mouth and bursting into tears. Tess had seemed to oblige her command, but Vanessa detatched from her nipple and started to scream.
"Honey, honey, I'm sorry," Paige said, rocking her gently, the hot tears running down her face. "Honey, I wasn't yelling at you, Mommy loves you so much, please stop crying, I'm just so..." I'm just so exhausted I can't think straight.
Vanessa squeezed her eyes shut, continuing to wail, and Paige closed her own eyes, tipping her head back. "Walter..."
There was a knock at the door, and Paige opened her mouth, a shrill go away! nearly rushing from between her lips. She hurriedly zipped her nursing bra, opting not to try and get her top back into position as she did her best to blink away her tears so she could see. At this point, she didn't give a damn about pride. She looked newly post-partum, exhausted, and more unattractive than she had during her awkward teenaged years and if that yielded her some sympathy from whoever the hell this was, she would take it.
Shifting Vanessa – who was now howling in her ear – to one arm, Paige struggled with the door knob, finally throwing it open. She froze, her jaw dropping. "Mom?"
"Hi honey," Veronica said, a smile on her face as she greeted her daughter, her eyes then falling to the baby in Paige's arms. "Oh, my little..." She clasped her hands together. "Is this Tess or Vanessa?"
"Vanessa," Paige said. "Mom...what are you doing here?"
"Do you want any help?"
Paige still wanted to know exactly how her mother was standing in front of her, but all she could do was nod, tears welling up again. "Mom, I'm exhausted."
Veronica stepped closer, pulling her daughter and granddaughter in to a hug, careful to not put too much pressure on the baby. "It's okay," she whispered. "You're not alone now." Pulling back, she looked down at Vanessa. "Give her to me," Veronica said, reaching out for her granddaughter.
Paige took a step back. "She's hungry and she won't take a bottle."
"Ah, well then, let's get you guys over to that rocker over there," Veronica said, clearly disappointed at not being able to hold her granddaughter but breezing past it. "And your Mama can feed you, does that sound good, Nessie?"
"Don't call her Nessie," Paige said tiredly as she returned to the rocker.
"What, does she not like it?" Veronica asked, tipping her head to the side as if playfully challenging Paige to claim that the infant did have such an opinion.
"No," Paige said, "I don't like it. She sounds like the Loch Ness Monster." She unzipped the bra again, guiding the baby back to her breast. Vanessa latched on immediately. The relief Paige felt at her daughter not crying anymore was greater than the soreness. She sighed.
Perched on the arm of the couch, Veronica watched, smiling. "Is she the one you named, or Walter?"
"Me," Paige said. "Walter had to get all scientific and weird."
"Tess is scientific?"
Paige shook her head, her eyes rolling as she did so. "I call her Tess. Her name is Tesla. Like..."
"Nikola Tesla," Veronica said, nodding.
"Yeah. Walter likes him because he was one of the greatest minds of all time, possibly the greatest, but he isn't remembered as much as people like Einstein, Edison, Oppenheimer, Stephen Hawking. There were completely unsubstantiated rumors that he once refused a Nobel Prize because he would have had to share it with Einstein. Or Edison. Wait. Yes. It might have been Edison. I don't know, I'm so tired, but anyway, Walter says it's unlikely that that story is true but he found it incredibly humorous. Something he would do, he said." Paige was surprised at how calm she felt now – she hadn't gotten any sleep, she still had a baby sucking on a sore nipple and judging on the restless sounds coming from the other crib, Tess was about to get started again.
But she wasn't by herself now. If nothing else, she had someone to vent to.
Though she still wasn't entirely – well, at all – sure of exactly how this had happened. "Mom," Paige asked again. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I got an email, early yesterday morning. It was from the account that Ralph usually contacts me from. But this was from Walter. I knew, of course, that the girls were here. Ralph told me. But Walter said he'd been called out of the country on something extremely important, and he'd put some extra money into my bank account so I could travel to L.A. and help you, if I thought I was able." Veronica smiled. "And baby girl, even if I thought those people were still looking for me here, I would have been on that plane just as fast. One baby is exhausting enough even if you have help. I know about that."
Paige nodded, rubbing Vanessa's back as the girl continued to nurse.
"Honey," Veronica said, leaning back and looking into the crib before facing her daughter again with a smile. "They're beautiful. Both of them. And that little one in there looks exactly like you."
Paige smiled. "She does. This one here looks like her daddy, but she resembles his sister more than anyone else. She's got the same dimples." Vanessa detached from Paige's nipple and yawned. "Oh," Paige said, raising her eyebrows. "Now we're ready to sleep, aren't we? Does this mean your sister is gonna want to be held again?"
"They're really making you work, aren't they?" Veronica said.
"They were pretty in sync for the first three days. Walter left on day four, and yesterday afternoon Tess wasn't feeling well so she didn't nap when Vanessa did. And now they're just on opposite schedules."
"When was the last time you actually fell asleep?" Veronica asked.
Paige shook her head. "I don't know what day it is."
"It's Saturday afternoon."
"Then it's been about forty hours." Paige saw her mother looking longingly at Vanessa, and so she leaned forward, passing the baby off.
Veronica gathered her granddaughter close, smiling down at her. "Paige, why don't you go lay down for a bit?"
Paige shook her head. "They're not both asleep. Vanessa might go down now but Tess will need to be changed soon and then she likes to be cuddled..."
"I can do that."
"No." Paige's agitation came right back. "They're my children. They need me."
"All they will need in the next two hours I can provide them. Paige. You have bags under your eyes the size of my luggage and the color of little Vanessa's hair."
"Your luggage? How long are you staying?"
"Just until Walter is home. I'm not going to overstay. Please let me help you and Ralph until then. It'll be good for all four of you."
Didn't you just say fuck pride, Dineen? Paige closed her eyes, putting a hand over them. She desperately wanted to sleep, but the idea of not being able to do absolutely everything for their daughters while Walter was gone made her feel like an abysmal failure. She'd never accepted this kind of help with Ralph.
Drew was around when Ralph was this small. By the time you were on your own, it was clear that Ralph was different. It would have been bad for him to be passed off to someone who didn't understand. You didn't even understand, not at the time. "You've got to be exhausted too," Paige said. "Why don't you nap first, Ralph's room is open, he won't be home until after his college class, and then..."
"Honey. I'm rested. I slept on the plane. My questionable years were full of learning how to sleep anywhere. I have energy, this little one won't need you for a couple hours and you said Tess takes a bottle. I know how to burp and change diapers. Go take a nap. Then when you get up we can work out a schedule. And if the babies both settle while you're out I'll fix us a late lunch. I'm not much of a cook but I can make a mad sandwich."
Paige bit her lip and nodded. "Okay. Thanks, Mom."
"You're welcome, of course," Veronica said, nodding slowly. "Honey, asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of."
"Okay, I'm really tired, I'm stressed," Paige said as she stood up, "please spare me the lesson."
"Sorry." Veronica made a shooing motion toward the hall. "Go."
Paige smiled tiredly down at her mother. "Thanks. I mean it."
Walking down the hall, Paige put a hand out, trailing her fingers along the wall as if for guidance. Once in her room, she collapsed on the bed, not even taking the time to get under the covers.
Her phone was on the nightstand, and, her vision blurring from exhaustion, Paige reached for it, succeeding on the second try. She opened up the messaging app and found Walter's name. Thank you, she typed, adding a heart emoji before hitting send and surrendering to sleep.
As always, reviews are welcome and appreciated. That's the only payment fanfic writers get. ;)