INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)
SASHA and BAYLEY are sitting on the couch, in the living room of the modest apartment. Sasha is busy typing away on her phone, while Bayley keeps an eye on the door.
BAYLEY (adjusting her NASA flight jacket): I really don't think having someone you met online moving in with you is the best idea.
Before Sasha can respond, there is a loud knock at the door.
SASHA: She's here!
Sasha immediately throws her phone down on the couch, and runs to the door. XAVIER is standing in the doorway.
SASHA (disappointedly, walking back to the couch): Xavier!? You're not a 5'10 muscular blonde girl with big boobs!
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: If only I had a dime for every time I heard that one.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Xavier walks in, joining the girls on the couch.
SASHA: What are you even doing here?
XAVIER (lying): Well... uh... Bayley was here, I figured I'd miss out on something fun.
BAYLEY: We're waiting on Sasha's internet girlfriend.
XAVIER: That sounds like-wait waiting on who!?
Just then, CHARLOTTE enters through the open front door, dragging a suitcase, before abruptly stopping.
SASHA: Charlotte!
Sasha runs over and hugs her, unaware of how uncomfortable she is. Xavier notices her uncomfortable stare is directed at him.
XAVIER: Uh... hi. I'm Xavier, I live in the next apartment over. Nice to meet you.
CHARLOTTE (sighing in relief): Thank god... he's literate.
*CORNY SITCOM "TROUBLE'S A BREWING" SOUND*
Sasha, still hugging Charlotte, looks confused, as Bayley raises her eyebrows and Xavier puts his hand on his chin.
XAVIER: ...uh... thanks?
[OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE]
INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)
Sasha is still hugging Charlotte, partially in shock, while Bayley and Xavier look generally offended.
BAYLEY: Why wouldn't he be literate?
CHARLOTTE: Who's this?
SASHA: This is my friend, Bayley.
BAYLEY: I'm just confused about how Xavier's literacy came into question.
Charlotte rolls her eyes and sighs.
CHARLOTTE: So she's one of those people.
BAYLEY: One of what people?
CHARLOTTE: Don't worry about it. (turns to Sasha) Hey, I have another bag in the Uber, babe, can you grab that for me?
XAVIER (standing up): I'll get it.
CHARLOTTE: You know what, I'll just get it myself.
XAVIER: It's fine, I can-
CHARLOTTE (cutting him off): DON'T TOUCH MY BAG!
Charlotte runs out of the apartment.
BAYLEY: Is your girlfriend racist!?
SASHA: Bayley, you think everyone is racist.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BAYLEY: But she literally just implied that Xavier being able to form simple sentences was shocking.
XAVIER: Maybe she didn't mean-
BAYLEY (cutting him off): Xavier, shut up, can't you see I'm trying to talk about racism?
*LAUGH TRACK*
Charlotte returns, with her 2nd suitcase.
BAYLEY: Charlotte, how do you feel about immigration?
SASHA: Bayley!
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE: I think it's somewhere between disgusting and deplorable.
BAYLEY: Even legal immigration?
CHARLOTTE: Legal, illegal, they're still taking jobs and raping and killing people.
SASHA: Hey, new subject, restaurants! There's a cool Mexican place down the street.
CHARLOTTE: I don't like Mexican.
BAYLEY: Wow, shocker.
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: I'm gonna go now, guys.
SASHA (shrugging): Thanks for announcing that I guess?
*LAUGH TRACK*
Xavier leaves the apartment, closing the door behind him, as Charlotte pulls her first suitcase to the off-screen hallway that leads to the bedroom.
BAYLEY (whispering): Still not seeing any red flags?
SASHA (also whispering): If Charlotte was racist she wouldn't be-
Sasha immediately stops talking, and smiles as Charlotte comes back to get her 2nd suitcase.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Charlotte smiles back and drags her other suitcase off-screen.
SASHA (still whispering): ...dating a German, black woman!
BAYLEY (whispering back): Fetishizing mixed race women doesn't make you not racist!
Sasha rolls her eyes, as Charlotte returns.
CHARLOTTE: I am kinda hungry. Is there a Chick-Fil-A around here?
BAYLEY: I rest my case.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Bayley leaves as Sasha side-eyes her, and Charlotte looks confused.
SASHA: Come on, babe, let's go.
Sasha grabs Charlotte's wrist, leading her out of the door.
*30 second Activia commercial*
*15 second YouTube Red commercial*
*15 second local law firm commercial*
*30 second commercial for Run The Jewels 3*
*15 second Pepsi commercial*
*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*
INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)
ALEXA is sitting on the couch, eating shredded cheese out of a bag. All of a sudden, BECKY storms in.
BECKY: That cheese isn't for you to eat!
ALEXA: Cheese was made to be eaten, Becky.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: That's the cheese I bought for the pizza I'm making tonight.
ALEXA: Pizza?... Was that what those pepperonis were for?
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY (walking towards the kitchen area): You ate an entire pack of pepperonis!?
ALEXA: Look, you can't just leave stuff lying around.
BECKY: I left the pepperonis lying on the counter... next to the cheese... and the pizza dough... and the pizza sauce!
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: I didn't want to assume anything, you know what happens when you assume.
BECKY: Yes. I do. Becky gets to eat pizza!
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA (shrugging): Just order one.
BECKY: Just order one? Do you-
Becky is cut off by the doorbell ringing.
BECKY: Come in!
Xavier walks into the apartment.
XAVIER: Hello, ladies.
BECKY: What do you want?
XAVIER: Woah, woah, why the bad mood?
BECKY (turning to Alexa): Well I've been trying to figure out how to un-ruin clothes, because somebody's red thong ended up in the washing machine with my whites!
ALEXA: It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month anyway.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: Then, my pepperoni pizza turned into cheese pizza!
*LAUGH TRACK*
Alexa turns the bag of cheese upside down, and nothing comes out.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: ...make that Chicago-Style pizza.
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: Chicago-style actually has cheese under the sauce, but... you could still make some dope breadsticks with marinara sauce.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: Why are you here?
XAVIER: I need your help. Sasha's new girlfriend just moved in, and I need you two to make her move out.
BECKY: Why?
XAVIER: ...does it really matter?
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: Come on Becky, he's tryna get in them Pokemon panties.
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: That's not true... and Sasha doesn't have Pokemon panties.
BECKY (looking a bit creeped out): How do you know?
XAVIER: Are we playing 20 questions or are you helping me?
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: If she had a roommate like Alexa, she'd move out in a day.
ALEXA: I am NOT a bad roommate.
BECKY: When are you gonna pay me back for your half of the rent last month?
ALEXA: Are we playing 20 questions or are we helping Xavier?
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: Look, just find out what she doesn't like, and we'll see what we can do.
XAVIER: Thanks!
BECKY: There's a catch.
XAVIER: I can't catch, gotta go!
*LAUGH TRACK*
Xavier attempts to leave, before Becky stops him.
BECKY: Give me $20.
XAVIER: Why?
BECKY: So I can order a pizza.
ALEXA: Ooo! Get wings!
BECKY: Shut up.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Xavier sighs, handing Becky a $20 bill.
BECKY: Pleasure doing business with ya.
Xavier leaves, as Becky walks over to the phone.
ALEXA: Get pineapple on the pizza.
BECKY: You're not getting any pizza.
ALEXA: But I'm hungry!
BECKY: Then eat the rest of the ingredients.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Alexa sighs, and walks to the kitchen area. She opens the can of pizza sauce and grabs a spoon.
*LAUGH TRACK*
*graphic of the sun setting and rising again*
INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)
Sasha is tentatively looking through the drawers that Charlotte's belongings are in. She immediately stops when she hears Charlotte's voice.
CHARLOTTE (off-screen): Are you coming!?
SASHA: Yeah! Just a second!
Sasha reaches into a drawer, and her jaw drops, as she pulls out a red hat that reads "Make America Great Again".
*LAUGH TRACK*
She shoves the hat back into the drawer and closes it.
SASHA (to herself): Maybe it's ironic... yeah. Charlotte's just an edgelord, the hat is just for memes.
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE: (off-screen): Still waiting!
SASHA: I'm coming, babe!
Sasha reaches into a different drawer, pulling out a white T-shirt with black lettering.
SASHA (reading): "Dr. Shelby's Conversion Therapy Saved My Life"!? What the-
CHARLOTTE (entering the room): What's taking you so long?
SASHA (throwing the shirt): AAAAAH!
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE (grabbing the shirt): Are you looking through my stuff!?
SASHA: I... kinda.
Charlotte opens the shirt, and her eyes immediately get huge.
CHARLOTTE: Oh my god! Sasha I... I can, I can totally explain this shirt... there's a very reasonable explanation for this... and I will give the very reasonable explanation... starting... now.
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE: It's... uh... I was in a satire comedy group in high school and...
SASHA (holding her phone): I just visited the website on the back of the shirt.
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE: Okay, fine. Being bisexual is my only shortcoming, so when my father found out, he sent me to this doctor to fix it, and I felt like-
SASHA: "Fix it"!?
CHARLOTTE: Well... yeah.
SASHA: Why are you saying "fix it" like not being straight is some sort of mental disorder!?
CHARLOTTE: Because that's not what God intended.
Sasha takes a deep breath, covers her mouth for a second, and tries to calm down.
SASHA: Charlotte... please tell me this a prank show, and there's a hidden camera in here somewhere...
INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)
Xavier, Becky, and Alexa are sitting on the couch, watching Charlotte and Sasha from Xavier's television. Becky has a pen and a clipboard.
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: This is impressive! How did you set all this up without them noticing?
XAVIER: I've had this camera in Sasha's bedroom since she moved in last year.
Alexa and Becky both look at Xavier, before scooting away from him.
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE (through the television): Anyway, I felt like a disappointment, so I pretended the treatment worked so he'd be proud of me. My father is a great man, he taught me better than this. He shouldn't have to know about his diseased disgrace of a daughter.
SASHA (through the television): I don't know whether I should give you a hug or punch you in the mouth.
*LAUGH TRACK*
INT. - SASHA'S APARTMENT (BEDROOM)
Charlotte sighs, and sits down on the bed.
SASHA: So... you're a racist homophobe who's in an interracial homosexual relationship?
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE: That hurts, Sasha. I can't believe that you would call me a racist. Just because I'm ethnically pure and you're not doesn't mean-
SASHA: "ETHNICALLY PURE!?" WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
CHARLOTTE: I feel really attacked right now, Sasha.
*LAUGH TRACK*
INT. - XAVIER'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)
BECKY: Dude, they're gonna break up before we even have a chance to chase Charlotte out.
SASHA (through the television): I... I really just can't believe you're like this.
CHARLOTTE (through the television): ...so I guess this isn't going to work out?
SASHA (through the television): I didn't say that.
XAVIER, BECKY, ALEXA, AND CHARLOTTE (in unison): WHAT!?
*LAUGH TRACK*
SASHA (through the television): This is just... couples hit rough patches all the time.
XAVIER: HOW IS BEING A NAZI A "ROUGH PATCH"!?
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE (through the television): You're right... we'll just agree to disagree about genetic superiority and whatnot.
XAVIER: ARE THEY SERIOUS!?
BECKY: This is like the pilot episode to a bad sitcom.
*LAUGH TRACK*
SASHA (through the television): Great.
CHARLOTTE (through the television: So do you wanna-
SASHA (through the television): Have sex?
CHARLOTTE (though the television): Yes.
ALEXA: Aww, they're already finishing each other's sentences.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Becky turned off the television.
BECKY: Well, I finished my list of Charlotte's dislikes. Mexican food, minorities, homosexuality, and the Panthers' rival teams in the NFC South.
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: Perfect, let's go out, grab some tortillas, a Saints jersey, and some interracial gay couples.
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: I actually have an idea... We're about to become the most liberal apartment complex ever. Let's go to the store in 30 minutes.
BECKY: 30 minutes?
XAVIER: Yeah, I gotta shower.
Alexa and Becky both nod, and head towards the door.
ALEXA: We'll be back in 30.
Both girls leave. Xavier gets up from the couch, locks the door, and turns the television back on.
*LAUGH TRACK*
*30 second Tampax commercial*
*15 second PlayStation commercial*
*15 second local restaurant commercial*
*30 second commercial for Smackdown Live*
*15 second Tesla commercial*
*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*
INT. APARTMENT'S LAUNDRY ROOM
Charlotte enters, alone, with a full hamper of dirty clothes, Becky walks in behind her, holding a small tray. She is wearing a rainbow bandanna and an "Erase H8" T-Shirt.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: Hey!
CHARLOTTE (turning around): Hi.
BECKY: I'm Becky, I'm just collecting everyone's weekly donations to GLAAD.
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE: You know GLAAD isn't a charity, right?
BECKY: Oh I know, but everyone here just thinks their work is so important, so every week, we come together and make a group donation.
Before Charlotte could respond, Xavier and Alexa walked in.
XAVIER: And I was like, of course I'm voting for Bernie! What do you think I am, a conservative!?
*LAUGH TRACK*
Alexa and Xavier continue obnoxiously fake laughing, as Charlotte turns away from them, beginning to put her clothes in the washing machine.
ALEXA: Can you believe that some people are actually voting for Trump!?
XAVIER: Like who?
BECKY: No one in this liberal apartment complex!
*LAUGH TRACK*
Becky joins in with Alexa and Xavier's obnoxious laughter.
CHARLOTTE (beginning to get annoyed): Maybe some people would appreciate secure borders and a president that isn't a politically correct Washington puppet.
XAVIER: A wall doesn't exactly constitute a foreign policy.
CHARLOTTE (fully angry): Anyone who isn't a millennial libtard that gets all of their news from memes and The Daily Show knows that Trump's foreign policy is WAY more extensive than that.
XAVIER: Go ahead, enlighten us.
CHARLOTTE: He has a wonderful foreign policy that'll improve all of our relationships with other countries, big league, it's gonna be great.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: Did you just say "bigly"?
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE: No, I said "big league".
BECKY:... yeah, "bigly".
*LAUGH TRACK*
Charlotte closes the washing machine, presses the button, and drops a quarter into Becky's tray, before leaving.
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: Well that didn't work. Wanna grab some Falcons gear?
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: No.
BECKY: Don't be ridiculous Alexa. Let's tie her down and force feed her fajitas!
XAVIER: No!
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: All we have to do is keep being really aggressively liberal around her, and after about 3 months, she won't be able to take it anymore.
BECKY: You think 3 months of my time is worth $20?
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: All you have to do is preach about social injustice!
BECKY: Do I look like Bayley to you?
XAVIER: OH MY GOD! BAYLEY!
Xavier runs out of the laundry room.
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: ...you can force feed me fajitas...
*LAUGH TRACK*
Becky rolls her eyes, and leaves the laundry room, as Alexa follows.
EXT. BAYLEY'S FRONT PORCH
Xavier knocks on the front door. A small BOY cracks it open and peeks out.
XAVIER: Hey, is Bayley home?
BOY: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
XAVIER: I'm Xavier.
BOY: I don't know you.
XAVIER: What's my name?
BOY: Xavier.
XAVIER: See, I'm not a stranger.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BOY: ...WHOA! DUDE, THAT'S SMART!
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: Can you go get her?
BOY: Yeah (the boy closes the door), BAYLEY! THERE'S A FREAKING GENIUS AT THE DOOR!
*LAUGH TRACK*
Bayley opens the door.
BAYLEY: Xavier?
XAVIER: Hey, I need help getting rid of Sasha's girlfriend. I just need someone to be kinda annoyingly liberal around-
BAYLEY: I'm in.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Xavier walks into Bayley's house, closing the door behind him.
*30 second Beats by Dre commercial*
*15 second YouTube Red commercial*
*15 second local news commercial*
*30 second commercial for Get Out*
*15 second Minute Maid commercial*
*15 second commercial about the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*
EXT. SASHA AND XAVIER'S SHARED FRONT YARD
Bayley is outside, knocking on Xavier's door. An interracial gay couple holding hands, a Hispanic man with a trumpet, and the little boy, holding a sign that says "MALIA OBAMA 2036" are standing behind her.
*LAUGH TRACK*
She waits for about 30 more seconds, while the man starts quietly playing scales on his trumpet.
Bayley begins banging on the door.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Xavier opens the door and walks out of it.
XAVIER: Uh... who are they?
BAYLEY: This is Chris, and this is Orlando. They've been happily married for a full year now. Oh, and this is my undocumented amigo Jeff. And this is my little brother Ben, who will be voting for Malia Obama in the 2036 presidential election.
*LAUGH TRACK*
XAVIER: Why so... aggressive? And early?
BAYLEY: It's the perfect time. Sasha's at work, her car is gone.
XAVIER: ...I don't think-
BAYLEY: Alright everybody, just like we rehearsed. 3...2...1...
As the door to Sasha's apartment opens, Jeff begins playing a loud C#, while Chris and Orlando start making out, and Bayley and Ben begin their anti-Trump chant. This continues for about 40 seconds, until Sasha slowly walks out of the door, in pajamas.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BAYLEY: Sasha!? Guys... guys stop!
Ben stops chanting, and Jeff stops playing, while Chris and Orlando continue to kiss.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BAYLEY: Your car was gone, I thought you were at work.
SASHA: My car is gone because Charlotte drove it to the bank.
BAYLEY: ...oh...
*LAUGH TRACK*
SASHA: What is all this!?
BAYLEY: I... uh... Xavier-
XAVIER (with fake outrage): Is out here trying to figure out what all this noise is about!
*LAUGH TRACK*
BAYLEY: What!?
SASHA: I get it. You like to help persecuted minorities, but I don't think a protest in our front lawn is going to do much.
BAYLEY: But... But Xavier told me-
XAVIER: That you could have your protest here, but that's because I didn't know you'd bring a guy with a trumpet! It's like 8 in the morning!
*LAUGH TRACK*
BAYLEY: Dude, you-
XAVIER: LALALALALALALA, CAN'T HEAR YOU!
*LAUGH TRACK*
The sound of a car parking, and a car door opening and being slammed shut are heard.
CHARLOTTE (off-screen): WHAT IS THIS!?
*LAUGH TRACK*
Sasha sighs, as Charlotte walks into the front yard.
CHARLOTTE (pulling Chris and Orlando apart): STOP! All of you! Leave!
BEN: You can't make us leave!
CHARLOTTE (taking her phone out): How about I call the police and see about that?
BAYLEY: We're not afraid of-wait, where are you guys going?
Bayley turns around confused, as Ben, Jeff, Chris, and Orlando start walking away.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BAYLEY (running off-screen after them): Guys! Guys!
CHARLOTTE: What is wrong with this place?
SASHA: I don't think there's enough time in the world to answer that.
*LAUGH TRACK*
CHARLOTTE (grabbing Sasha's hand) Well... as long as you're here, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
*AWW TRACK*
XAVIER: Nowhere at all? Like Disney World, or France, or Italy?
*LAUGH TRACK*
SASHA: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
XAVIER: There's Switzerland, Miami Beach, there's just so many places in the world.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Charlotte and Sasha ignored him, as they walked into their apartment, holding hands.
XAVIER (dejectedly): I wish I was a 5'10 muscular blonde girl with big boobs.
*LAUGH TRACK*
*2 minute and 30 second trailer for the new series Fearless premiering immediately after this episode*
INT. - BECKY'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM)
Alexa, and her girlfriend MICKIE are sitting on the couch, both eating popcorn. Becky walks through the front door.
ALEXA: Hey Becky, 2 questions.
BECKY: Go ahead.
MICKIE: I'm Mickie.
BECKY: Good for you.
*LAUGH TRACK*
MICKIE: I'm Alexa's girlfriend.
BECKY: Sorry to hear that.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Alexa rolls her eyes.
ALEXA: Anyway, can Mickie stay here tonight?
BECKY: Sure.
ALEXA: Can we buy a movie on demand?
BECKY (pointing to the TV): Why can't you just keep watching this movie?
Alexa and Mickie both said nothing, awkwardly slumping in their seats.
BECKY (still pointing to the TV): I'm guessing you ordered it before asking me because you figured I'd say yes?
ALEXA: ...a little.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: How much was it?
ALEXA: ...a lot...
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: Like $15?
MICKIE: $49.99
BECKY: 50 DOLLARS!?
ALEXA: Porn isn't cheap.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: YOU PUT A 50 DOLLAR PORNO ON A CABLE BILL THAT YOU DON'T PAY!?
ALEXA: Becky, the past is in the past. We bought it. All we can do now is move forward.
*LAUGH TRACK*
BECKY: The bill is already $350, Alexa! Where am I supposed to-
MICKIE: Look, I'll take care of it.
BECKY: Take care of it!? How are you-
Mickie immediately pulled out $400, handing it to Becky.
BECKY (grabbing the money): ...enjoy your film. If you guys need anything, let me know, Mickie, feel free to stay as long as you want.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Becky leaves the room.
ALEXA: You didn't tell me you had money!
MICKIE: I don't, the money was counterfeit.
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: You think she'll notice?
BECKY (off-screen): WHY IS BARACK OBAMA ON THESE $100 BILLS!?
*LAUGH TRACK*
ALEXA: ...BECAUSE THEY PRINTED HIM ON THERE!?
*LAUGH TRACK*
[CLOSING CREDITS]