The Arch-Mage's New Rules

Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.

- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:

College students really do not deserve access to an enchanting table. College students also really do not deserve access to an alchemy table. I'm beginning to wonder, in despair, to what they /emdoem deserve access. Mirabelle has ordered me to the marshes of Hjaalmarch to hunt down some necromancers doing slimy, possibly vampiric things in caves before I vent my frustrations on all of you. I would very much like to see a modicum of reason and order when I return, although I will not hold my breath. These rules will be posted in all the usual places, etc., etc.

- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold

71) Please do not try to raise dartwings or luna moths - or, indeed, insects of any sort - in the dormitories. Although valuable alchemical ingredients, they require dedicated time, effort, space, and equipment and do not belong in sleeping areas. If you must secure an additional supply of insects for your research, make arrangements with our master alchemist, Sleeps-in-Blossom.

a) ABSOLUTELY NO BEES.

b) …In retrospect, the pandemonium and plentiful stings that resulted after I barked a Dismay Shout on the jar of bees someone lobbed in my direction were most likely punishment enough for this infraction. Fortunately, Master Colette soon had everything under control. If you'll excuse me, I now have a fascinating little paper to write on the topic of insectoid intelligences being developed enough to respond to a fear-inducing Shout.

72) There shall be absolutely no loud singing or playing of instruments after midnight on college campuses. If you must carouse, go to the Frozen Hearth.

a) The next student to wander drunkenly across the courtyard singing "Ragnar the Red" at the top of his lungs will receive a flute jammed up his nostril and a one-way ticket to the Bards' College in Solitude.

b) I did not receive a bard's training in High Rock and go dungeon-diving for ancient sheet music only to hear a total butchering of King Olaf's Verse. This is intolerable.

c) That's it. Master Urag and I are collaborating on a proper modern translation of King Olaf's Verse, preserving its meter and alliteration, as was typical of ancient Norse poetry. Then we shall organize a college choir, so that this verse will be heard again as it was originally meant to be heard, over and over, until you are all as sick of it as I am.

d) If we play this off as a revival of ancient Norse poetry and music, I'm sure we can make it palatable, perhaps even favorable, to the current political climate, enough so that even Windhelm will forget that we're kingshaming their ancestors.

73) Effective immediately, all students who deface the statue of Shalidor in our courtyard will be teleported to the entrance of Shalidor's Maze in Labyrinthian, so that through navigating it and its hazards they may gain a greater appreciation for our esteemed founder and stop drawing moustaches and worse on his stone likeness. I'll even be kind and supply staves from the various schools of magic to make traversing the maze easier. Have fun.

73) This fad of using failed alchemy experiments as impromptu stinkbombs had best end now. Some of our faculty have resorted to Waterbreathing spells just to walk through the halls. Nirya is touchy about messes caused by potion-making at the best of times and, the last I saw her, she was figuratively breathing fire. Letting her at the miscreants might be the quickest solution.

a) No, I am not, as far as I am aware, capable of actually breathing fire without a Shout.

b) No, I will not try to learn how.

c) No, I will not demonstrate for you. I can oneshot frost trolls with it. I am noy about to use it indoors.

74) Wearing the official robes of a member of the College of Winterhold is an excellent idea whether attending to college business or off-duty because we are a legitimate institution with centuries of experience and magical expertise. Wearing the leathers of the Thieves Guild while trying to rob the College of Winterhold is a foolish idea because then the exasperated Arch-Mage knows exactly whom to blame.

a) No, wearing Thieves Guild leathers under a college robe does not hide you from all suspicion.

b) Why does an organization devoted to crime and the subversion of authority and an ordered society have a defined uniform? I have never understood that bit.

c) Please do not wear the official robes of a member of the College of Winterhold when committing crimes.

d) That is not an invitation to commit crimes while not wearing said robes.

e) I am beginning to understand my predecessor's skooma habit.

75) There are better, safer ways of testing your enchanting prowess than by making a brand-new set of Frosteater Robes, donning them, and then walking out into the northern icefields during a blizzard. Please refrain.

76) There are better, safer ways of testing your enchanting prowess than by making a brand-new set of Flameeater Robes, donning them, and then asking your friends to throw fireballs at you. Please refrain.

77) There are better, safer ways of testing your enchanting prowess than by making a brand-new set of Shockeater Robes, donning them, and then climbing to the top of the college keep's tower and screaming, "SMITE ME, O MIGHTY SMITER!" at the sky. Sheogorath might just comply. Please refrain.

78) There are better, safer ways of testing your enchanting prowess than by making a brand-new set of Poisoneater Robes, donning them, and throwing yourself into Cronvangr Cave to fight a legion of giant spiders. Please refrain.

a) Don't even try this with Magickguard Robes or with any other piece of enchanted apparel and then expect the college to recompense you for your 'brave sacrifice' in the name of magic and intellectual study.

b) I now understand why Sergius is bald. He tore out his hair from frustration long ago.

79) No, I will not entertain any proposals to anchor a massive levitation enchantment into the College's foundation wardstones so that we can float our campus across Skyrim. We do not need a flying college. We have existed just fine for centuries without that special degree of ExtraTM in which the Imperial Battlespire indulged itself.

80) Any attempts to use a Fuddle Charm or a Woe Charm on your instructor in order to get an extension or a higher grade on your homework invites an immediate retaliation with a Hex Charm or an Evil Eye Charm by the cleverer instructors, you realize. Try this with me, and I shall avenge myself with the Throw Voice shout. Do not antagonize the Arch-Mage who was originally trained as a bard. The vicious mockery isn't worth it.