A/N: Hiii friends. So I'm not really happy with this (or anything about 4x17, let's be honest) but I had to get something out so all these damn thoughts would stop flowing around my head!
Real life is crazy and I probs shouldn't have even taken the time to spit this out so I still can't promise any updates on IOYO or All In soon but they're not done I SWEAR I will get my life together eventually. Thank you for the patience and for being the best.
I hope you at least somewhat enjoy this little drabble and it helps put y'all out of at least a little bit of misery after Wednesday. Review if you can please! xo
PS I own nothing… thank God
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
He can't sleep. The unfamiliar bed is too big and too empty. He rolls over again and is met with the glaring red numbers on the alarm clock in Will's spare bedroom – 3:08 am. He lets out a deep, frustrated sigh as he repositions, half-expecting to accidentally knock a pillow off of the bed and be met with a playful smack from Erin. Except he can't be, because she's not here. Because he left her, and he hates himself for that. But it was necessary, because he knows it's only a matter of time before all of the feelings and memories that Abby brought back send him spiraling downward and he won't bring her down with him. She deserves better. He won't hurt her, he can't. Except he's pretty sure he already has.
Jay lets out a bitter, sarcastic laugh at the conflicting thoughts coursing through his brain as he tries to block out the one thought that is consistently bubbling on the surface – that he needs his girl. He needs her in his arms, promising him that everything is going to be okay. Because right now he's pretty sure nothing will ever be okay again. And it's all his fault.
Letting out another sigh, Jay reaches over to the nightstand and picks up his cellphone. He stops for a minute to admire his wallpaper – a picture of him and the beautiful girl he doesn't deserve – then unlocks his phone and lets his thumb hover over her name. He knows his back and forth right now isn't fair to her. Thinking back on it, he's never been fair to her. He's begged her to open up to him about her past while he stayed silent about his, told her he doesn't want her to come and go… then what did he do? He came and went. He was just trying to protect her. But why did it feel so wrong? Why does everything feel so wrong?
Losing his internal battle and doing what he knows is the wrong thing, he lowers his thumb and clicks her name, bringing the phone up to his ear.
"Hello?" She answers on the first ring and Jay can tell by the extra rasp in her voice that she's been up all night crying and he hates himself for it.
"Er," he breathes, not even sure what he'd called to say. He just really needed to hear her voice.
"Are you okay?" she asks gently, trying to hide the way her voice was cracking all over again.
He lets out another sarcastic laugh. "No."
He hears her sigh on the other end of the phone. "I don't know what to say, Jay,"
His heart drops even further in his stomach when he hears how defeated she sounds and he's never needed her in his arms more than he does right now. He looks at the clock again – 3:24 now. Before he even knows what he's saying, the words are out of his mouth. "Can I come home?"
There's a sharp intake of breath on the other line and the seconds before she answers feel like hours. "Please."
As he stands up from Will's spare bed, the only thing Jay can think about is how fucking stupid he was to ever think he had to leave Erin to fight his demons. He'd only ever be able to face them with her by his side. He physically could not do it without her. He couldn't push her away, not this time. He had been so alone after coming back from overseas. So alone that he'd felt the need to drown himself in alcohol and marry a random girl. No offense to Abby, but that's all she was – and now they both knew that. Maybe he'd thought he'd loved her at the time, he wasn't even sure anymore. The only thing he knew at this moment was that he had absolutely no idea what love was until he met Erin Lindsay. And that he was so damn in love with that girl that it hurt sometimes. He was hit with the sudden realization that his solidarity and lonesomeness were why he hadn't fought through anything – he'd had no reason to. But now he had every reason in the world, thanks to a gorgeous girl with a breathtaking dimpled smile and the most amazing hazel eyes and the most beautiful heart he's ever known. How could he have been so stupid to not realize that until two minutes ago?
"Jay?" he heard Erin whisper, and he silently cursed himself for forgetting she was on the other line in his haste to leave. "Are you coming?"
"Yeah, babe. I'm coming home. I love you." Jay slung his duffel over his shoulder and left the bedroom, practically running out of Will's apartment into the cold Chicago night and down to his car.
"I love you, too. Drive safe." The relief was evident in her voice and Jay's shoulders felt just a little bit lighter as he started his car.
Jay's hands were shaking as he tried to unlock the door and get into the apartment, into Erin's embrace, as fast as humanly possible. Apparently he was taking too long, because the door swung open from the inside and within seconds, Erin's arms were wrapped tight around him and her face was buried in his neck and he felt her hot tears soaking his skin. He immediately dropped his bag on the floor as he kicked the door shut behind him, using one hand to squeeze her tight and the other to rub her hair.
"Don't cry, Er. I'm gonna figure it out. We're gonna get through this." At first Jay wasn't sure where this newfound confidence came from, but one glance down at the brunette in his arms and he was quickly reminded.
He felt her nod against him. "You were the one person I thought would never leave," she whispered, and if Jay's heart wasn't completely shattered from the events of the day, it was now.
"I'm so sorry. Never, ever again." Jay promised; squeezing her even tighter, if that was even possible.
"Whatever you have going on, I can handle it," she promised for the second time that night, finally pulling away just enough to look in his eyes.
"I know you can. And I can't do it without you."
"You don't have to. You never will." Erin leaned forward to gently press her lips against his, savoring the soft, warm feeling that a few hours ago she hadn't been sure she'd ever feel again. For a split second, a thought crossed her mind that she should be mad at him for walking out, or for hiding his marriage, or refusing to open up to her but she just couldn't. She understood; she probably would have done the same thing. Hell, she'd done worse after Nadia died. She and Jay were far too alike for their own good, but that was what made them so damn good together. He didn't need her anger right now. He just needed her. Her being there, holding him, promising him everything was going to be okay. So that's what she was going to do.
"I love you so much," Jay repeated for the third time that night. It had always been an unspoken thing between he and Erin, but tonight he felt the need to declare it as many times as humanly possible.
Erin nodded as she finally wiggled out of his embrace and took his hand, leading him into their bedroom. "Let's try to sleep. We'll figure it all out in the morning."
Jay nodded, knowing sleep still likely wouldn't come tonight but eager to just be able to hold her in his arms. "No pillows tonight?" he raised an eyebrow, letting out his first real smile in hours as he watched his girl throw her six pillows into a pile on the floor.
Erin smiled back as she shook her head. "Just you," she crawled back into bed and held the covers open for him to join her. He happily obliged, lying as close to her as humanly possible as she turned to face him and snuggled her head into the crook near his shoulder. He pressed his lips against her hair and inhaled her scent, so incredibly thankful that he even had the opportunity to do this again.
They would face the real world in the morning. She'd hold his hand as he tackled the divorce papers and memories and nightmares head-on for the first time in his life. But for now, he just wanted to stay in this moment that had seemed so impossible even just an hour earlier. Jay opened his eyes and looked down at his girl who was had already fallen into a much needed sleep, curled into a ball facing him, holding on to his shirt for dear life. He almost laughed at the irony that this woman, all of 5'3" and at least two heads shorter than him, was his rock and was ten times stronger than he'd ever be. He pressed his lips against her forehead and tightened his grip around her body, wondering how he'd ever been lucky enough to find this girl and swearing to himself that he would never, ever let her go again.