Request from universe-on-her-shoulders on Tumblr, after she found a text post detailing an incident vaguely similar to this one.

Right before the Hijab Incident (there would be other names for it, in the days to come, but the Hijab Incident is one of the only that isn't extremely distasteful), Matteusz had been enjoying a nice conversation with his boyfriend, and a ham and cheese sandwich.

It all changes, however, when he hears sudden noise from near the school entrance, and a shout of 'oi Miss, nice tits!'.

"What's happening?" Charlie asks, turning around to try and get a look, and Matteusz shrugs before they get up to go and have a look.

What he sees is Farha Abdallah, a fifth former, surrounded by several of her rather worried friends, with a bright blue blouse covering her hair instead of her hijab.

That's when he spots Miss Jacobs, maths teacher extraordinaire and (for reasons that many people who were not Matteusz were still trying to work out) girlfriend to Miss Quill, sprinting down the street after said hijab, which is floating away on the strong wind.

Sprinting down the street… without her shirt on. Because it's on Farha's head.

"What's going on?" Charlie asks Tanya, who is standing next to Quill. "Why is Miss Jacobs running down the street without her shirt?"

Tanya grins. "Oh my god, you should have seen it, Farha's hijab came off while her and her mates were talking to Kalei, and she just whipped off her shirt like some kind of female Clark Kent-" Tanya reenacts this enthusiastically, "and threw it over Farha's head before running after the hijab. I'm just. In awe."

Several groups of boys nearby are cheering. It probably has something to do with the fact that Miss Jacob's bra is dark purple and lacy, and that she has, objectively speaking, rather fantastic breasts.

Or, you know, Matteusz is fairly sure that's the case, anyway. They seem... nice. And of an ideal size. And round.

...Matteusz is not an expert on breasts.

"What in the world is going on out-" Dorothea Ames stops dead when she spots Miss Jacobs, who has now caught the hijab and is shouting her victory from some way down the street (Farha and her friends, as well as some others, like Tanya, shout with equal enthusiasm). "Oh."

It's a strange kind of 'oh' - one of pleasant surprise. Which… tells Matteusz more than he needed to know about his Headmistress, really.

Some of the boys start up a round of wolf whistles as Miss Jacobs gets closer, hijab in hand.

"Please do not do that," Matteusz says to the nearest group, frowning at them. "Miss Jacobs is your teacher, she deserves your respect." They ignore him.

"And you guys laughed at me for thinking she was like a hot librarian," one of them says to the others.

"Hey, we didn't know her tits were that good," one of them replies. "And we don't have your glasses fetish."

"Man, I wish she hadn't caught that thing so quick."

(Matteusz pretends not to hear Quill mutter 'yeah, me too', or see what might have been a tiny nod from the Headmistress.)

"I mean it," Matteusz tells the group of infuriating straight boys, taking several steps forward. "Stop saying these things. Right now. You are embarrassing our entire gender."

"What would you know?" One of them sneers. "Doesn't she hang around your house half the time? You've got VIP passes to those tits, but you go for posh boy dick instead."

Matteusz is not usually a violent person. But his fist meets the boy's face before his brain can remind him of that. The crunch of the nose breaking is a bit too satisfying a sound.

In any other circumstance, this violence would be the spectacle of the school, but since Miss Jacobs is now approaching Farha, most attention is elsewhere.

"Do not say these things again," Matteusz says, firmly, to the boy sprawled on the ground and clutching his bloody nose.

Then he walks back to his astounded boyfriend.

"Sometimes people are too stupid for words to make any difference," Matteusz says, by way of explanation, shrugging. "Sometimes, they are needing a punch."

Charlie doesn't seem to quite know what to say to that.

The bell rings just as Miss Jacobs is exchanging the hijab for the shirt and starting to blush furiously as she realises what an audience she's gained. Matteusz is amused to see that in addition to the large number teenage boys, there are several teenage girls looking at Miss Jacobs in a similar way, at least one with a look of realisation that Matteusz knows all too well. His had just been the result of Hugh Grant looking obscenely pretty in the dubbed movies Matteusz had watched when he was younger.

Quill, finally, seems to have realised that she should be intervening on her girlfriend's behalf.

"Yes, everybody," she says loudly, striding forward, "the maths teacher has magnificent breasts, and I'd like to remind you all that I currently have exclusive access to them, and that you should all be running along to class."

Tanya's palm meets her face at the same time that Matteusz shakes his head with exasperation.

"Why is she like this?" Tanya asks despairingly.

Miss Jacobs, similarly, only turns a deeper shade of crimson and adjusts her glasses. "Yes, thank you, Andy, that's really helping," she says to Quill, hastily buttoning up the blouse and ducking her head so that her mass of dark curly hair helps her avoid the gaze of every single student that walks past.

"Seriously, Miss, thank you," Farha says one more time before heading inside.

Kalei nods at her, smiling genuinely. "You're very welcome."

"Good show, Kalei dear," the Headmistress calls to her, before moving to head inside with the dissipating mass of students.

Kalei nearly chokes. "Is that - some kind of-"

The other brunette smirks at her, quirks an eyebrow, and walks away without another word. Kalei stares after her, before rolling her eyes with an odd exasperation that makes Matteusz wonder if this sort of exchange has occurred before.

Best not to think about it. He doesn't need to be any more involved with the sapphic goings-on of Coal Hill any more than he already is.

"Come on, Jacobs, you have a class to teach full of students who have now gotten semi-decent look at you half dressed," Quill says to her girlfriend, smirking and linking her arm through hers so that she can drag her towards the entrance.

Kalei, however, has glanced at Matteusz and the others, and her gaze lingers on his hand.

"Matteusz, why is there blood on your knuckles?" She asks, frowning at him with concern.

"Some boys and I had a small disagreement about the proper way to be talking about our teachers when they are helping other students," Matteusz tells her calmly, with a shrug. "Is nothing for you to worry about."

She isn't stupid. Her brown eyes are knowing, and disapproving, and yet considerably warmer for hearing his response.

"I suppose I'll have to take your word for it," she says, with a tiny smile, before letting Quill pull her inside.

As the two women leave, Tanya and Charlie crowd around Matteusz.

"I can't believe you hit him, that was wicked," Tanya says, grinning.

Charlie, meanwhile, is frowning at Matteusz's hand, and grabs a handkerchief - an honest to god, old fashioned handkerchief - out of his trouser pocket so that he can dab Matteusz's knuckles clean.

"Please try not to get into too many fist fights," Charlie asks him. "Even if it is for somebody's virtue."

"I will try," Matteusz replies. "But make no promises."

Tanya starts laughing and gets out of her phone. "Oh man."

"What are you doing?" Charlie asks.

"Texting the others, obviously. They're gonna be so pissed they missed all this."

"You know, perhaps it is the extreme homosexuality talking, but being exposed to Miss Jacob's shirtless self just hasn't had the life changing effect on me you seem to be implying," Matteusz says, completely deadpan.

Tanya and Charlie stare at him, before the former erupts into laughter and the latter chuckles and grabs his hand, entwining their fingers.

"It's clearly an infectious problem, I'm unaffected too," Charlie says seriously.

A moment later, the three of them are laughing again.