Author's note: all usual disclaimers apply. Although attempting to be humorous, this story might strike a raw nerve for some, so I do not recommend reading it if fertility issues are likely to upset you.

This somewhat ridiculously far-fetched tale stems from a challenge by MorganaNK to work particular storylines into a coherent, readable story. A major flaw in my character is a tendency to try to prove the impossible...

Tommy lifted bacon from the fridge and took it over to the stove. He looked up when Barbara walked into the kitchen. "Morning, lovely." Barbara looked distressed. "What's wrong?"

"Just the usual."

He wiped his hands on the tea towel hanging from his pyjama pants and went over to her. "It's okay. There's always next month." He enveloped her in a hug and felt wet tears against his bare chest.

"We've been married three months, Tommy, and we weren't exactly particular about contraception before that. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I can't give you an heir?"

He nestled her closer to him and stroked her back. "I don't care. You know that. You're putting pressure on yourself that isn't there."

"But I want a baby. I want your child. I'm almost too old."

"It's more likely to happen when you relax and forget about it."

Barbara shoved him away. "That's easy for you to say!"

Tommy frowned. "Don't push me away, Barbara. I want you to be happy, and of course, I'd like a child with you."

Barbara rushed back to him. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. We'll keep practising. We both enjoy that."

"Hmmm. Yes."

Tommy kissed her, and it rapidly deepened. "We could practice now if you like." He kissed the spot on her neck that always made her giggle and squirm.

Afterwards, lying in bed, Tommy sensed Barbara was worrying again. He kissed her forehead as she snuggled against him. "Ready for breakfast now?"

"I don't deserve you."

"No, it's the other way around. I don't deserve such a wonderfully loving woman as my wife. Do you know I adore you? On so many levels."

"Yeah. That might wear thin when I fail in my duty to produce..."

Tommy kissed her to stop her saying it. It was starting to annoy him. Not that she felt that way, but that he could not convince her it did not matter to him. "It's obviously affecting you. Would you like me to make an appointment with someone in Harley Street? They can run a few tests and then we'll know. I'm sure he'll say 'just give it time', but it might let you relax."

Barbara nodded. "Tests like they make future princesses go through to check they're good breeding stock?"

"I doubt that that still happens." He stroked her hip and let his hand drift slowly over her stomach. "You certainly won't pass the virginity test."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"No, not at all." Tommy sucked gently on her earlobe. "Not at all."

"Lord and Lady Asherton," Tommy announced to the receptionist two weeks later.

"Ah yes. I see you filled in your questionnaires online. Just take a seat. Someone will be along shortly."

Tommy noticed several pregnant women sitting in the waiting room. He made sure he kept a firm, reassuring grip on Barbara's hand while they waited. "It'll be fine."

"Easy for you to say. They're not going to prod around in your internals."

"We can leave if you'd prefer."

Barbara shook her head. "No, sorry. I'm just worried what he'll say."

Tommy leant close and whispered, "he'll say you have the most glorious looking body that he's ever seen, so it's no surprise that you make your husband incredibly aroused just thinking about it. He'll also say that you have to make love to me three times a day."

Barbara laughed, which was a good sign. "What if he says we need to abstain from sex to build up your reserve of swimmers?"

Now Tommy laughed. "We'll get a second opinion."

Barbara chuckled and leant her head against my shoulder. "I love you, Lord A."

"And I love you, Lady A."

They waited for ten minutes before a large woman in an old-fashioned blue nurse's uniform strode up to them. "Lord Asherton?"

"Yes."

The woman thrust a sterile yellow-topped sample jar towards him. "Sperm sample, please. We have visual aids in the cubicle to assist you, or you may take your wife in. The sample has to be uncontaminated, though, so please ejaculate directly into this jar."

Tommy felt as if the whole waiting room was staring at him. "I don't require visual aids," he said, his voice almost an octave higher than normal. Barbara's mouth had clamped shut into a tight line to suppress what he knew would be a loud and savage laugh - at his expense. "My wife will help me."

Barbara gasped and went as red as her husband. Neither could get into the cubicle fast enough. "They'll think I'm going to..."

"Yes?" Tommy asked playfully.

"Milk you."

"I was hoping you would."

Barbara's eyes went wide. "You want me to give you a head job in here?"

"I'd like that, but no, we might contaminate the sample." Tommy guided her hand to the swelling lump in his trousers. "But I don't feel right masturbating when my wife is watching."

Barbara's eyes went doey. "I might like to watch. I've never seen you do it," she said, taking heavy breaths.

"I haven't needed to since I've been with you. You're more than enough for any man."

"You make that sound like a bad thing."

"Oh, most certainly not." Tommy unzipped his trousers and freed himself. While Barbara ran her fingers over his growing erection, he unscrewed the lid from the sample jar. "Like this," he said as he bent her hands around him into a fist, moving it up and down the shaft. "Slowly, then harder as I get closer."

He moved his hand away, and Barbara tightened her grip and mimicked his actions. "Like this?"

"Oh hell yes!" Tommy kissed her. "It's so much better when you do it."

He studied her face as she concentrated on what she was doing to him. Even though he was in the room for this purpose, he was surprised at how much the situation excited him. He thought they might add some other more forbidden locations to their lovemaking in future. Barbara's face flushed as she worked her hand faster. He was getting close. He leant down and kissed her. "Oh, Barbara. Harder... faster."

Tommy tried to watch Barbara and what she was doing. Seeing her lick her lips as her hand pumped him, he felt his orgasm begin. "Jar. Quick."

They both stared as he came, pumping his seed into the small plastic container. Barbara screwed on the lid and held it up to the light. "There's more than I thought."

"Don't do that. I don;t want to look." He kissed her hard. "Thank you. That was rather wonderful, but I'll always prefer to come inside you."

"You're welcome." Barbara squirmed and pulled on the side of her jeans. Tommy knew the signs. She was frustrated. As he kissed her, he skillfully unzipped her and slid his hand down into her underwear. "Tommy! Behave."

"No. I don't want my highly aroused wife being touched by a strange man." He wiggled his fingers between her hot, swollen folds. She was as wet and silky as he had imagined. Within thirty seconds of his gentle touch, she clamped her legs closed and muted her cry in his shoulder.

Still red-faced, they rearranged their clothes and returned to the waiting room. The nurse came back. Tommy discreetly handed her his jar. To his horror, she also held it up to the light. "That was quick. And a nice big specimen."

"It's not funny," he said to Barbara as the nurse strode away. "All those women looked at me."

"I know. The one in blue fancies you. The one is red thinks you are too good looking to be with me, and the heavily pregnant one wishes her husband was as caring as you."

"And you?"

"Oh, I fancy you, I think you are too good looking for me, but I am glad that you are as caring."

Tommy squeezed her hand. "I want to kiss you."

"In public? Not very becoming, Your Lordship."

"I know, but you can imagine it. My tongue tickling..."

"Lady Asherton." Tommy felt Barbara jump as a different nurse called her. This one had pinched features and glasses that made her eyes look too big for her face.

"Yes."

"This way please." Tommy went to stand. "Not you, Lord Asherton, just your wife."

Barbara smiled tightly at him. "Be back soon."