Chapter 8

It was an odd thing, when one's entire perspective was suddenly upended and yet the rest of the world remained so blissfully ignorant. Kitty wondered how no one could see the difference, didn't they notice the sudden chill in the air or how the sun no longer seemed to shine as bright as it had just that morning?

If anyone were to ask Kitty about the rest of the day, she would be unable to recall any details. Rather, only the haze of shame and turmoil that clouded her vision. It felt as if she was detached from her body, somehow nodding at the appropriate moments and watching from afar as the besotted Mr. Bingley attempted to woo the perpetually blushing Jane. The couple, far too enamored with one another, took little notice of the abrupt change in Kitty's demeanor, a small reprieve she felt overwhelmingly grateful for as she attempted to process her spiraling thoughts.

Unfortunately, the additional time was of little help. Without realizing it, the afternoon passed in a vague blur and all too soon Kitty found herself once again walking into the house she had come to view as a prison. For the first time, Kitty wondered if Darcy had felt just as trapped all this time. Had every morning been a struggle to face the new reality he had found himself in? Did he feel a constant hollow ache in his chest and a crushing loneliness?

Kitty longed to ask Darcy these questions, yet knew it was not her place. She may be his wife, but even more so she was the source of his anguish.

A sudden wave of determination swept across Kitty as she realized her next course of action. Lifting her chin up in resolve, Kitty made a silent vow; she would never again contribute to Darcy's distress. From this moment forward, she would attempt to be the wife that Darcy more than deserved. A flash of brilliance washed over her in an instant. What better way than to preserve what he held so dear? A man such as Darcy valued his family's honor. Hadn't she seen that firsthand? While she would never be Lizzy- for no one could be as effortlessly charming as her dear sister, Kitty would do everything in her power to ensure that Darcy felt confident his family's reputation would be in safe hands. She would become the perfect society lady and in turn lead Georgie to the same path, thus easing Darcy's burden.

Of course, it was nowhere near close to fixing all the wrongs her thoughtless actions had caused, namely making amends with poor Lizzy, however, Kitty felt a small sense of satisfaction at her new purpose.

After all, even the smallest step in the right direction was progress.

The first step in her new plan, Kitty decided, would be to delicately nudge Darcy into escorting her back into the treacherous territory of the ton. As loathe as she was to once again face the cruel mockery that would no doubt be awaiting her, Kitty knew it was necessary if she was to succeed in her self-appointed mission.

Unfortunately, Kitty had little experience with subtle manipulation- her role in persuasion was usually to stand back while Lydia did all the needling. Pursing her lips, Kitty imagined how Darcy would react to Lydia's methods of whining, blatant flattery and if all else failed, shrieking mercilessly. While effective against their parents, Kitty doubted it would work on a man such as Darcy. Likely, he would banish her away forever in the country.

It wasn't as if she could wait around for Darcy to approach the subject. After all, it had taken him months to introduce her to society in the first place and since their heated argument, he seemed to have dismissed the idea altogether. More than likely worried she would cause a scene in front of all of London. With a little shake of her head, Kitty pushed down any irritation at the thought. With her new found knowledge, in addition to how she had lividly expressed herself in the past, Kitty would not hold his reluctance against him.

A few short hours later found Kitty silently gazing at her dinner, all too aware of the looming presence sitting across from her. Somehow, her intentions flew out the window the moment she was faced with Darcy. Instead of politely greeting him as she had planned, Kitty had been at a loss for words as he greeted her with his typical aloof demeanor.

Shame kept her eyes from meeting his, unable to bring herself to look at him after so recently bearing witness to his innermost thoughts. It felt wrong that she knew such intimate details of the man without his knowledge. Now that she knew such a side of Darcy existed, Kitty felt as though she was seeing him for the first time. Suddenly, it was impossible to overlook the tired strain around his eyes or the subtle downward slope to the side of his mouth, as if he was in a constant battle to hold back a frown.

The idea made Kitty's heart clench as she realized she couldn't recall ever having seen him truly smile. At most, he had given Georgie fleeting half grins that slipped from his face as if the effort was too much. The way she had managed to overlook someone else's misery for months was yet another fault Kitty mentally added to her list. Even when he had thrown her culpability back at her, Kitty had done little more than dwell on her own misfortunes. She had never once considered all that Darcy had given up. Now though, it was all she could think about when him so close. In the span of a day, he had gone from a horrid villain to the tragic protector that had given up his own heart's desires so that she would not experience just how cruel the world could be to a fallen woman.

It took all of her restraint not to sweep him up into a comforting hug and beg for forgiveness. Instead, Kitty gently cleared her throat and blinked away the misty sheen to her eyes. "How was your day?"

Sharp eyes suddenly landed on her and Kitty resisted the urge to squirm. She couldn't help but wonder if he could somehow see the guilt radiating off her in waves.

Voice cool and devoid of emotion, Darcy eyed her warily. "I conducted business, nothing to concern yourself with." Prodded by manners, he added with clear reluctance. "I hope yours was pleasant, anything of interest?"

With clear relief that he seemed to accept her olive branch, Kitty launched into the story she had rehearsed before dinner, making sure to carefully avoid any mention of Lizzy. "Mr. Bingley sends his regards. He called on Jane while I was visiting and he so graciously offered to escort us to the park. It was such a lovely day that we…"

Studying her intently, Darcy inwardly frowned at her drastic change of demeanor. This friendly exchange was a far cry from the resentful silences he had come to expect. Just what had happened to the sullen girl skulking about the last few days? Listening to her chat about her afternoon with Jane and Bingley, Darcy contemplated this new development. Perhaps seeing her sister had resulted in the vast improvement to her mood. After all, Georgie was always a ray of light even on his most dreary days.

For a split second he allowed his mind to drift to her other sister, wondering if Elizabeth had been present. Clearly not, as his wife hadn't mentioned her even once to both his relief and disappointment. Despite his best attempts, Darcy wondered what Elizabeth had been up to the past few months. It was a train of thought he seldom allowed himself to indulge. He couldn't help but question if she ever spared a moment to think of him. If so, was it with a secret longing or was it just a fleeting recollection of the man now tied to her sister? Such speculation did little good, but still sometimes he was unable to hold himself back. Feeling a familiar heaviness in chest, Darcy quickly dismissed the thoughts and instead focused on what the woman across from him was saying.

"… and that he does hope you can attend the ball this week." The lie slipped smoothly from her lips and Kitty silently prayed that he wouldn't press for actual details. She had decided to remain as vague as possible without prompting any suspicion. Luckily, there was always some sort of soiree this time of season and she was sure that Bingley probably did wish see his dearest friend again.

Still distracted from his unsettling musings, Darcy missed the signs of subterfuge and merely nodded.

Which was how, only the very next night, Kitty found herself being escorted by Darcy into a large ballroom.

Unlike her first time facing society, Kitty no longer felt exhilaration upon viewing the sea of elegantly dressed people. Her stomach was knotted in trepidation as Darcy steered them to a group of somewhat familiar faces. The men immediately descended upon Darcy, pulling him into their overly serious discussion and with dismay, Kitty realized her plan of spending the evening attached to his arm would not be possible. Turning her attention to the wives in the group did little to assist in her dilemma as they appeared engrossed in their discussion and paid her no mind. Well, she couldn't stand there awkwardly all night. She casually scanned the room as she nodded along to what a grumpy older gentleman was currently explaining to the others, finding that the action made her seem included and less pathetic than she truly was at the moment. From the raised eyebrow Darcy aimed at her, Kitty could tell that he wasn't fooled. With a proud lift to her chin, she sent her best smile, perking up as she heard her name.

"Mrs. Darcy!" Dropping her hold of Darcy's arm, Kitty immediately turned to the friendly voice and grinned with genuine relief. "I was just saying how I hoped you would be attending tonight." The confident smile of Mrs. Weston was a balm to Kitty's soul as she realized she had an ally.

Her new friend hooked their arms and began pulling her away, sending Darcy a playful smile. "I'm going to rescue your poor wife from you lot."

A small quirk of his lips and a nod was all Kitty saw before being dragged into the crowd. "I hope you don't mind, but there's no fun to be had when they get in their minds to talk about stuffy affairs. I'm afraid I had to abandon my own dear Colin to such things as well. I don't think he's even noticed yet."

A throaty chuckle joined Kitty's as Lady Milton joined the pair, flanking Kitty's other side.

"Actually, it's good form for you to learn these things early on. Husbands are best left to their own devices during these occasions." With a mischievous grin, Lady Milton leaned closer and lowered her voice. "That way we are left to ours."

As the conversation flowed smoothly between the women, Kitty felt the tension slowly begin to drain from her shoulders, even as others joined the small group. While there were still snide glances cast her way, Kitty found they were far easier to ignore when shielded by the protective bubble of her new friends. It felt like she was finally finding her footing with their easy back and forth, almost as if she was back home with her childhood friends. Hope blossomed in her chest at the realization that she had found a foothold in this new daunting social hierarchy.

Unfortunately, Kitty's internal celebration had been premature as she had not taken into account Lady Milton's habit of venturing off and disappearing into the crowd for most of the night or the never ending demands for Mrs. Weston's attention. As the night wore on, Kitty found their small group had become one of the main crowds, and with each newcomer, she was pushed a little further away from her friend until Kitty found herself on the outskirts. After her third failed attempt to politely maneuver her way back to Mrs. Weston's side, Kitty let out a small huff of irritation. One would think the other woman was the Queen for how the masses vied for her attention.

In fact, it was the simple matter that Mrs. Weston was known for her lively disposition, kind heart and infectious laugh that drew her acquaintances close. That she was from an old and respected lineage and had married into an equally well off family only added to her appeal.

None of those facts helped Kitty at the moment however. With a resigned air, she stepped away from the crowd, keeping her chin up and a patently fake smile on her face. Unsure of where she was going, Kitty casually strolled towards the refreshments as if it had been her intended destination all along. A lingering survey of the room told her that Lady Milton was still nowhere to be found and Darcy had been swept away to the side of the ballroom where several men were listening intently as he and Mr. Elcott appeared to be in a serious but friendly discussion. She had not realized that so many people valued Darcy's opinion, but as he easily held their attention, the respect from his peers was clear to see.

The memory of how he had been practically shunned at Meryton entered her mind and a small giggle escaped her at the thought that her little county had gone so against the tons standing. She could only imagine how aghast they would be to find out how one of their own was not dutifully admired as expected.

"Well, that is music to my ears." A smooth voice pulled Kitty from her musings as Mr. Ainsworth approached. Kitty looked up at the gentleman and grinned as he raised her hand and brushed his lips against the back of it in greeting. "Dare I ask what has garnered your amusement?"

As welcoming as Mr. Ainsworth appeared, Kitty would not dare open Darcy up to any sort of speculation, even if it would be innocently intended as a merry anecdote. "Oh, I'm afraid it was nothing worth mention. Merely something I remembered from home."

"Ah, well now I must hear all about this joyous place you have come from." Eyes sparkling with interest, he leaned closer. "Tell me, you have many sisters, do you not? I'm sure there must be many exciting stories from a full household. As an only child myself, I find the concept of siblings- especially so many- fascinating. Please indulge my curiosity."

Kitty laughed, oh there were many tales she could tell. Sadly for her new companion, they would never meet the London air. She could only imagine how the ton would twist her fond childhood memories into an attempt to belittle her and those she loved.

Instead, Kitty settled on the boring well known facts of her family. "Yes, it was a full and rather busy house growing up. Not any longer though. Two of my sisters are actually in town as well. Miss Jane Bennet and Elizabeth- have you met them?"

"I believe I had the pleasure of their company last week at the park." With a furrowed brow, he tilted his head. "I was under the impression you had more sisters, are they not in London as well?"

"No, my sister Lydia is married. Her husband is with the militia and Mary is at home." Explaining Lydia's absence was easy enough, but Kitty did not have an actual reason why Mary had been excluded. The fact was that their mother most likely figured Mary would diminish the chances of Lizzy and Jane snaring husbands. "My parents couldn't bear to be parted from all of us at once, so they thought it best to keep Mary with them for now."

"I'm sure it must be a drastic adjustment for them. I suspect you all kept them rather busy."

Credit had to be given to the conduct of London gentleman, Kitty decided. Even as the discussion somehow centered on the trivial facts of her childhood and tame stories such as the time Jane and Lydia adopted two kittens when they were younger, Mr. Ainsworth still appeared fully invested in her every word and encouraged her to continue. Kitty wasn't sure if it was simply good manners or if he could sense her apprehension in facing the other guests and was attempting to indirectly offer his support. No matter the reason, she appreciated the effort. Still, as much as she would love to stay in the safe little haven Mr. Ainsworth provided, Kitty knew it would do nothing but harm her already fragile social standing. While married ladies were permitted their fair share of freedom, spending too long in the company of a gentleman that was not her own husband would be sure to provoke the gossips.

Reluctantly, Kitty finished her story and placed her drink down on the table next to her. "It has been a delight to see you again, but I mustn't keep you from the rest of the party."

A flash of disappointment entered his face before quickly being replaced by an understanding grin. "The pleasure has been mine. I hope to see you again soon, Mrs. Darcy."

With another gentle kiss to her hand, Mr. Ainsworth retreated back into the crowds as Kitty wandered in the opposite direction. She had not taken even four steps before finding her path blocked by two women with curling smirks.

"Mrs. Darcy, how are you this evening?" Dread curled in Kitty's stomach as she recognized the woman speaking as one of Miss Hemsley's lackeys, Miss Turner. The memory of how the woman had gleefully witnessed Kitty's humiliation was still raw. Not waiting for a response, Miss Turner continued. "We couldn't help but notice you and Mr. Ainsworth seemed to be having a riveting conversation."

Her unnamed companion let out a high pitched giggle. "Well, we just had to come over and see what on earth you could possibly say that was so fascinating. I admit we were rather puzzled."

Smile, Kitty reminded herself, even as she felt her teeth clenching. If she wanted to win her place in society, her best chances were from following Jane's example. She had long since decided that while both Jane and Lizzy enjoyed their fair share of popularity, attempting to imitate Lizzy's natural combination of charm and wit may lead Kitty into dangerous waters with the far more seasoned ladies of the ton. Which left her with Jane's personal brand of being too kindhearted for anyone to disparage. That meant bright smiles and being sweeter than honey, even if she was tempted to throw a drink in their faces.

"Sara! Amelia!" The deceptively sweet tone from behind her immediately put Kitty on edge as she instantly realized who was joining them. With no warning, a body bumped her to the side and Kitty barely caught herself from tumbling over. Regaining her balance, Kitty watched with narrowed eyes as Miss Hemsley kissed her two friends on their cheeks.

"There you both are." With a poor imitation of surprise, Miss Hemsley glanced over at Kitty. "Oh, and with Mrs. Darcy. Sorry dear, I didn't even notice you. Ah, but I'm sure you're rather used to that so no harm done."

"Daphne, we were just discussing why Mr. Ainsworth would spend any of his time with Mrs. Darcy."

Miss Hemsley's delicate features scrunched up in distaste as she swept her gaze across Kitty. "Hmm, well he's always had such a tender heart. I'm sure he couldn't resist offering his charity where it was most needed."

The two other women let out snickers and nodded in agreement as Kitty made the effort to keep her chin proudly lifted, even when all she wanted was to curl in on herself and slink away to safety.

"That must be it. Perhaps he was concerned about her country manners and was valiantly trying to assist. After all, Mr. Darcy must have required a reprieve, the poor dear."

"Oh Sara, don't be silly. Mr. Darcy knew of those when he married her. Although, such a hasty marriage leads one to wonder, does it not?"

As one, the women focused their full attention on Kitty, awaiting her response.

For a moment, Kitty floundered, unsure what her next move should be. Lydia would snap something nasty back, Lizzy would put her wit to good use, but what would Jane do?

It was impossible to determine as Kitty was fairly certain no one would dare say anything vindictive to her angelic sister in the first place. Knowing that there was nothing she could do to win this battle, especially when on such unfamiliar terrain, Kitty sadly admitted to herself that the best option was to retreat.

The ever growing sensation of a lump in her throat made her voice tight. "It was so good to see all of you again. Excuse me."

Kitty counted it as a small victory that her steps didn't falter even as she heard their pleased twitters as she walked away. These small triumphs were what Kitty learned to cling to as the next few weeks passed in a miserable cycle; every party falling into the same depressing pattern. Dejection had become an unwelcome companion as had the brittle smile she wore like a suit of armor in the face of even the harshest taunts.

It appeared Daphne Hemsley and her cronies had declared open season on Kitty and were out for blood. Kitty couldn't fathom what she had done to inspire such disdain from the debutante, but somehow her mere existence was enough. It seemed the longer she was in society, the bolder the insults became. Or maybe with her dwindling hope, Kitty simply felt the jabs more strongly.

Adding salt to the wound was the arrival of Caroline Bingley to town. The vicious shrew had gleefully taken up the cause and where Miss Hemsley fell short, Caroline was sure to pick up the slack. Her favorite method of torment was sharing stories of the Bennet family in attempt to paint them as vulgar country bumpkins. She also had the uncanny ability to sniff out the few friends Kitty actually did have and attach herself to them, effectively rendering any temporary sanctuary back into enemy territory.

Kitty had witnessed firsthand how Caroline would infiltrate Mrs. Weston's social circle only to abandon it when she spotted Kitty's retreat. The other woman would then dog Kitty's steps, sure to interrupt any attempts at conversations with Mr. Ainsworth. To his credit, the man continued to seek her out and lend a friendly distraction, trying to occupy her with questions about her interests and childhood. However, the arrival of Miss Bingley always proved to be too much and as politely as possible, Mr. Ainsworth would make a quick escape.

If she wasn't so busy planning her own retreat, Kitty would have taken much more enjoyment watching the elegant man's awkward excuses. As it was, Kitty had found the large ballrooms to be rather confining with her limited options. It often felt that she was in the middle of enemy territory without any line of defense.

As much as Mrs. Weston and Lady Milton attempted to shield her, it was an impossible feat. While both women were able to offer the momentary shelter of their company, their own obligations prevented any lasting solution as they inevitably had to part from her side.

Although not the answer to her problems, their friendship had become a cherished part of her days.

The encouraging smiles of Mrs. Weston and the way Lady Milton's icy stare prevented any snubs while they were near was heartening to Kitty's spirit. Likely more than either woman would ever know. As was the new routine both ladies had taken upon themselves, joining Kitty for tea every Monday and Thursday afternoon. Lady Milton had also implemented a mandatory excursion about town at least once a week; dragging Kitty and a far more amenable Mrs. Weston for either strolls through the park, casually exploring the fashionable shops and on one memorable occasion an open carriage ride with Mr. Weston as their driver.

While neither of the women ever spoke aloud of Kitty's troubles in the ton, Kitty knew enough about social politics to understand that the jaunts about London were solely for her benefit. To be seen with her so publicly was a declaration of solidarity.

Still, for every kindness her dear friends showed her, the malicious ton worked diligently to counter them.

It was a fact that Kitty was none too gently reminded of as she found herself wilting under the glowers of three matrons. Kitty had long since learned to pin point the cues that a nasty encounter was about to take place and attempted to tune out their rather predictable insults by determining what their motives could possibly be. While Miss Hemsley remained a mystery, it was clear to see her lackeys were cruel in a bid for approval. Miss Bingley was pure jealousy- Kitty remembered clearly how the woman used to fawn over Darcy. But these increasingly frequent incidents with women her mother's age presented a puzzle.

"Mrs. Darcy, I never did get to tell you congratulations. Why, when I heard the news, I thought it must have been an unseemly joke or a miracle, well for you."

Biting back her frown, Kitty watched the group nod in agreement. It didn't escape her notice that the woman failed to offer said congratulations even when remarking upon it.

"Just between us, you must tell us how a little country Miss like you managed to so neatly trap Mr. Darcy."

Ah, so that was why these Mamas were so enthusiastic in their resentment of her. Not only had Kitty nabbed an eligible bachelor from their daughter's orbits, but she had done so as an outsider.

Holding in a tired sigh, Kitty mustered up the energy for a tense pull of her lips that she hoped resembled a smile. "Thank you for the regards. I would love to stay and chat, but I really must give my compliments to our hostess for a wonderful evening. Excuse me."

While Kitty had become rather skilled at extracting herself from these clashes, she found that maintaining a serene aura- or as she had secretly dubbed it, her Jane persona, was draining. It was due to this sheer exhaustion that Kitty missed the hawk like eyes watching the interaction with mounting anger.

Nor did she notice the palpable tension in Darcy's shoulders as he assisted her into the carriage later that night.