I've been dealing with some things lately. Inner demons. This happened and I just kept writing it, it took my mind off things. I wrote it for my best friend. Yes, I'm still working on RWG. But for now, I hope you enjoy this.

Please refrain from leaving lewd comments. This story is very personal to me and I appreciate your respect.

Listen to the music.

Enjoy. -walk

There were a lot of things that Evan was sure about, but the one thing he wasn't, was Delirious. He didn't mean it like he disliked him or anything. It was just that Jonathan was dangerous in a sense that whenever he was around, Evan became so uncertain about what he was really attracted to. He distorted his reality and made him question just about everything he thought he knew about himself. In short, Jonathan made Evan question his sexuality.

It was something that Evan got used to after a while of being around him. At first it was overwhelming and somewhat scary but once he got used to the nerves that always twisted in his gut whenever he saw his face, he started to relax about it. That didn't mean that it got any easier to admit to himself that it was pure, raw attraction he felt toward one of his best guy friends. That was something he never thought would happen, let alone with a dude, or Jonathan of all people.

All the butterflies aside, Evan didn't mind it. He was attracted to him, no big deal. But his life was turned upside down when Jonathan decided that was what he wanted to do; ruin him. He flipped his world and spun it around until Evan was dizzy and lost.

To the point; Jonathan kissed him.

It wasn't even real. Well, yes, it was a real kiss but it wasn't because Jonathan wanted him or was attracted to him. It was because they were in the middle of a crowd and Jonathan was doing what he did best, what he loved to do, and that was pester the ever-loving shit out of Evan. Even now, every time Evan thought about it he had to take a deep breath and curl his fingers into a fist. He had to force something else into his head, because if he lingered too long, he'd drift and be standing there in the middle of Target looking at a pack of color pencils wondering how he even got to the art supplies section because he couldn't remember moving his feet for the past five minutes. He'd lose his focus.

It was a perfect Saturday when it happened.

"Star Trek." Jonathan said with finality as they walked down the crowded sidewalk, headed towards the laser-tag arena to meet some more guys.

Evan scoffed and shook his head, "Star Wars or we aren't friends anymore."

"I actually like both. But, Star Trek. Besides, I'm older than you, so if I say it's better, it's better." Jonathan smiled crookedly, knowing exactly what he was doing. He was just stirring the bees.

"That makes no fucking sense. Both are older than either of us, both have a big following. But I'm cooler than you so whatever I say, is better. So, Star Wars. Dunzo." Evan held his chin up in the air and kept walking with Jonathan giggling madly beside him.

"This is war." Jonathan said matter-of-factly and dropped his drink in the trashcan as they passed one. A gust of wind wrapped around them and Evan felt strong fingers on his face as they turned his head and right there on the middle of the sidewalk Jonathan kissed him hard. Evan was too shocked to push him away, but it didn't last long enough for him to.

Jonathan jumped back with a nasty grin on his face and he pointed at him, "Star Trek."

Evan licked his lips and held his hands out, "What the fuck..."

"Every time you think of me, you're gonna think of Star Trek and you're gonna like it. So, Star Trek. Dunzo." Jonathan backed away into the doors leading to laser-tag. "Delirous, out!"

He threw up peace signs and disappeared and Evan didn't see him again until they were in the arena and he was doing ridiculous barrel rolls to avoid everyone's shots. It was funny up until the point where Evan couldn't hit him. Neither could anyone else.

It was down to the two of them and all anyone could hear were them shouting at each other as they dodged and ran.

"Star Wars!"

"Star Trek!"

"Fuck you!"

"Kiss me first!"

Jonathan won because Evan thought about that fucking kiss every time he said Star Trek.

He liked it.

At first it all went away and they left with their friends, arms thrown over each other's shoulders like they always did. They had dinner, argued, and slapped each other like the friends they were.

It all went away.

But it was temporary because the more they got together, the more Evan thought about it. He noticed how pretty his lips were, prettier than any girl he'd ever kissed. They were very defined and looked so soft. Evan never thought there would be a downside to Jonathan moving to California. In fact it made Evan happier than he'd been in a long time. But he was starting to resent it and he hated that he did because it was what he'd always wanted. He always loved the idea of having Delirious so close, just three blocks away. Walking distance.

He used to enjoy having him over almost every day of the week or vise versa. But now it was beginning to feel like torture and he was thrumming his fingers against the countertop in his kitchen when Jonathan slid up beside him in his socks that had bears on them, smiling with a box of Lo Mein in his hand.

"Can I slide up in yo DMs?" He joked and Evan cracked a smile because he never could stop himself around Jonathan.

"You do that on a daily basis anyway."

"True." Jonathan giggled. "Can you hand me those chop sticks behind you instead, please?"

Evan felt for them and stuck them into Jonathan's box of noodles and yet again was not expecting those frustratingly attractive lips to press against his.

"Thanks, man."

Then he walked back into the living room and took his seat on the couch while Evan continued to stand there in the kitchen trying not to lick his lips that he knew were going to taste like sweet teriyaki sauce. He sighed when he gave in and he knew that was now going to be one of his top five favorite flavors. Evan stopped ordering take out after that because each bite he took all he could think about was Star Trek and all he could taste was Jonathan.

Evan did his best at forgetting, which wasn't a very good job, but cut him some slack. How could he forget anything when Jonathan was always there? He was always throwing his head back laughing, always talking, drawing Evan's eyes to those lips that were so interesting.

Three weeks later Jonathan was there like he always was with booze and food. This time it was stuff that hadn't even been prepared. So there they were in Evan's kitchen looking domestic as shit, spinning around each other, dodging dishes and wet spoons, singing to music while they cooked. Jonathan, being himself, dipped his finger into the mashed potatoes instead of using the spoon that was right in front of him and licked the food from his finger. He did it again but held it up for Evan who shook his head and grimaced.

"No."

But Jonathan grinned evilly and persisted.

"I said no!" Evan tried not to laugh, but he did and Jonathan's finger slid into his mouth. He licked the potatoes from his finger and when Jonathan tried to take it back, Evan bit down.

"Ow! You, fucking bitch." Jonathan shoved at his shoulder and went back to fixing a plate.

"That's what you get when you shove things down my throat without my permission." Evan said smugly, flipping him off and taking his plate to the living room where he settled in front of the tv.

They watched Shameless until their necks hurt, they hated Jimmy-Steve with a passion, had eaten half the strawberry shortcake, and were damn near miserable. That's all Evan could smell and he didn't realize how close Jonathan had moved. He had his arm around him when Jonathan sighed and asked, "Wanna make out?"

Evan's mouth worked faster than his brain, "Yeah."

Jonathan was in his lap and Evan was looking up at him only because Jonathan had his face squished between his hands. He looked down at him, "Do I have your permission to stick my tongue down your throat?"

Again, Evan's mouth spoke for him, "Yeah."

Evan got a half lung full of air before he was being kissed quite fucking thoroughly by a mouth so talented he felt he needed to pay for it. It was so good it was bad. Bad because he was kissing back just as much, almost suffocating because they couldn't break apart. Jonathan used his teeth to pull at his lip and it took everything for Evan not to pull him down against his hips and seek a little friction. Jonathan had a hand in his hair and every so often he'd pull just slightly and Evan would lose a bit more in his struggle to keep his hands from grabbing his waist, from touching anything.

Just as soon as he was about to lose, Jonathan pulled away and sat back, looking at the time on his watch, "Oh fuck! I left the dog locked up in my room all day! She probably already ate my fucking pillow! Gotta go!"

Evan just blinked and watched Jonathan run and grab his jacket off the back of the barstool and run for the door. "I'll see you at the diner for breakfast with the guys tomorrow? You're still going right?"

Evan cleared his throat, still partially in a haze. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'll be there. Goodnight, dude."

"G'night!" Jonathan shut the door behind him and left Evan sitting there with his world crumbling in around him because now he couldn't even look at strawberries, smell them, or taste them without thinking about Jonathan in his lap kissing him better than any woman ever had.

He didn't really understand what was going on or why Jonathan kept acting like it was nothing, or that he hadn't kissed him like he wanted him. Because, holy fucking shit, Evan couldn't stop thinking about it. He thought about all morning while he sat against the window at the diner while Jonathan rambled on and laughed about God knows what. He couldn't think about much else. Evan kept wondering if it was just a one time thing.

It was far from it and Evan was going to suffer more than he ever had.

It was at a party a month later, lots of guys, lots of girls, good music, and solo cups filled to the brim with beer. It was then that he knew he'd been digging himself into a hole that never stopped getting deeper and there was no way out. In the crowd, he finally spotted Jonathan . . . with a girl. He stayed by her all night, holding her hand like she was his. They danced and Evan felt his stomach turning when they kissed. It was passionate and it meant something, Evan could see it in the way Jonathan looked at her.

Evan left shortly after and he almost ignored the text he got an hour later.

J-Where are you?

E-Home. I'm tired.

J-Okay, talk to you later.

That was it. Jonathan acted like they had never exchanged spit or breathed each other's air. It was like Evan didn't really matter to him at all, like he was just a some friend he could come over and kiss whenever he felt like it. Which he continued to do.

J-Come over.

Evan was there in a heartbeat opening his door with the key Jonathan had given him when he first moved there. He looked around curiously as he hung his jacket up and kicked out of his shoes.

"Where's your girl?" Evan asked casually and sat down next to him on the couch, picking up a controller.

Jonathan simply shrugged, "Didn't work out."

Evan nodded because he didn't want to speak. He was scared of what he'd say since his mouth didn't have a filter apparently around Jonathan anymore. They played and everything was fine but deep down it really wasn't because Evan was dying on the inside wanting to know what exactly was going on. But Jonathan kept acting like it was nothing but another activity they participated in together.

A half a bottle of Pinnacle later and they were making out in the kitchen while they attempted to carry a conversation between breaths.

"I don't know how they haven't kicked me out yet. My dog is over the weight limit and she barks all day when I'm gone." Jonathan said and surged forward again to Evan's mouth that was waiting like it always was.

They pulled away again. "Nobody's called the office on you yet?"

They locked lips again for a minute and Jonathan shook his head, "No. It's weird. Maybe everybody's deaf around here."

Evan kissed him again, "Then I wouldn't worry about it. It's been this long already, they probably don't care."

"Probably." Jonathan was breathless and he pushed himself onto the counter with Evan between his legs. "But if they kick me out, I'm moving in with you."

"Whatever." Evan agreed, distracted, then he let his lips fall down to his neck for the first time. Jonathan's hands came up to his shoulders and he pushed him away gently, sliding off the counter at the same time.

"I need to walk the dog. Wanna come with me or stay here?" Jonathan asked nonchalantly, like his fingers weren't shaking and his knees weren't a little weak.

Evan ran his hand through his hair and pulled his hat back on. "No, I'm just gonna head back home. I've got shit to do in the morning. I'm playing early with Nogla and Brian."

"Okay. Just hit me up whenever. See you later."

Then he left without a second glance and Evan nearly ran home so he wouldn't break anything Jonathan owned out of frustration. They went days without seeing each other, a week sometimes. But every time Evan saw him at a party or a get together, Jonathan always had someone new and each time it 'didn't work' with them, he'd meet up with Evan and they'd end up in each other's lap like teenagers.

It was like Jonathan was giving him just enough to keep him there, waiting, but he never gave him anything more. To see him with someone else was starting to tear Evan apart at the seams because he didn't understand what Jonathan wanted and he never could ask before he would run off again to be with someone else. Evan hated it but was so absorbed in it at the same time.

He never said anything because he didn't know exactly what to say and he didn't want it to stop. All he wanted was more. He always wanted more when it came to Jonathan. Wanted his attention, wanted to be on his team, wanted Jonathan to come looking for him over and over. Evan sort of got off on it, but when he started feeling more attached to him, started to catch stupid fucking feelings . . . it started to hurt.

Each day it got worse. Each new girlfriend, it cut him deeper. Evan began to feel like Jonathan only came to him when he wanted his attention. Once he got it and had his fix, he was gone. It was like he was using him only because he knew Evan would always open his door to him, always give him whatever he wanted.

And Evan was a god damn fool for it.

For Jonathan.

He couldn't take it anymore, couldn't keep waiting around for Jonathan to face whatever this was and acknowledge it, take it further. Evan was tired of being used like some side chick who was too desperate to call it off. Because he wasn't. He deserved better and he could have anyone he wanted.

Evan felt like a love-sick, heartbroken fifteen year old when everyone met up for more laser tag and Jonathan had the audacity to bring another girl. She was tall, Asian, with beautiful long black hair and Evan hated her. He shouldn't have. He should've hated Jonathan more, but all he could feel was jealousy and the urge to throw her into traffic.

"Hey!" Jonathan smiled over at him cheerfully but that pretty smile dropped when Evan didn't even look at him. He walked past the couple and into the arena after they'd got their vests and guns and he made it a point to take her out first. Evan took everyone out and saved Jonathan for last. It was all quiet and he snuck up behind him, pinning him against a wall in a dark room.

"How does it feel not knowing when I'm gonna turn up out of the blue?" Evan asked menacingly in his ear. "How does it feel for me to invade your space, take what I want and leave without giving a fuck about how you feel?"

"What are you talking about?!" Jonathan struggled against him, but Evan wouldn't budge.

"Don't play dumb, you bitch." Evan shoved away from him and shot his laser at his chest signaling the end of the round. "Get out of my life if all you're gonna do is use me."

Evan walked away from him for the first time ever and it felt so freeing and devastating at the same time.

"Evan!"

Jonathan watched him go and could have run after him but he knew that he couldn't. That meant he would have to own up to it, to everything he had done and give a reason why. He still didn't even have that answer for himself.

So they drifted and it was the worst point of his life. Jonathan hit an all time low and he'd never been that down and dark before. It was a different girl every other night and he still couldn't get Evan or Star Wars out of his head. If he met up with the guys, Evan wasn't there. Or if he knew Evan would be there, Jonathan wouldn't go. They avoided each other to such an extent, it was driving everyone else mad and they all kind of had an idea why after a while.

Because one night at a new high end club, Jonathan was leaning against the bar, downing his sixth shot with pink LED light's burning his eyes. It was a nice place, the music was good and deep but it was never enough to make him forget all those times he kissed Evan like he couldn't get enough. Couldn't make him forget the feel of his lips trailing down his neck or how bad his legs shook that evening as he walked his dog alone.

Marcel and Lui were there the night it all come to a head. The club was crowded and they spotted Evan on the other side of the room, just barely in view with a woman they'd never seen before. It was never like Evan to get with someone new, let alone in a club. Or anywhere near Delirious, but there he was dancing with her in the hazy aqua and pink ambient light. They watched the moment Jonathan laid eyes on him too for the first time in over a month.

His drink spilled over his fingers onto the glass countertop when he turned his head and locked eyes with him from across the floor. Jonathan felt the bile burning in his throat when Evan kissed her, never taking his eyes off of him.

And maybe Jonathan deserved it, but it didn't stop how much it fucking hurt. Because that used to be him in her place with his hands in his hair, pulling back only to breathe. Jonathan finally turned away and looked at the girl next to him.

"Wanna go back to my place?"

She giggled like an idiot drunk, "Sure. Lead the way."

He took her hand and pulled her away and he really couldn't remember the rest of the night. But, he woke up with a splitting headache and a girl in his bed. It was nothing new. Once she was awake, he made her coffee and walked her down to a cab like he did all the others, never to see them again.

The sex solved nothing. It only made him want Evan more and the longer he kept up the affairs, the more Evan haunted him. He'd show up to parties unexpectedly with a girl by his side and Jonathan was finally starting to understand how Evan must have felt the whole time he used him like some washed up toy.

Evan wasn't a toy. He was everything to Jonathan and he just never knew how to say it or admit it. So he chose not to and now he was debating ending it all because he couldn't take seeing him anymore.

The next party was different though. Evan had found himself someone new. A man that looked remarkably similar to Jonathan. Delirious wasn't dumb enough to not know what Evan was doing when he let the guy fill him up with liquor.

Jonathan watched them leave together and he watched his world finally fall apart. He walked home, didn't sleep, made himself sick thinking about the look Evan gave him right before the two had left. It was like he was laughing in his face saying, "This is what you get."

He found himself at Evan's door banging his fist against the metal until he opened it half asleep, looking like perfection in the glow of his kitchen light. He stood there in his sweatpants that always hung low on his hips.

"The fuck are you doing?"

Jonathan raised a brow when he saw his guest in the kitchen behind him, "Well, I can clearly see what the fuck you were doing."

Evan rolled his eyes when Jonathan pushed past him, "And? What, I can't live my own life? I had no idea you had a say so."

"You're doing this because of me! I think I have a right to say something to you when you've been fucking a guy that could pass as my twin!" Jonathan yelled in the quiet apartment. "I get it, Evan! You're torturing me on purpose and I understand that I messed up, but I never did what I did just to hurt you like you're trying to hurt me!"

Evan blinked calmly and looked at the other man in the room. "You should leave, Devin."

"Seriously?"

"Unless you want to die in the crossfire, yes seriously." Evan crossed his arms and waited for him to grab his things and go. Devin made it to the door and looked back.

"Call me?"

"Go!" Evan slammed the door behind him and spun around on Jonathan who couldn't even swallow properly as Evan backed him up against the countertops.

"You think you can just walk in here and tell me what to do and who to fuck? I actually liked the guy and I don't give a shit what you care because all those times you held me there on the tip of your tongue . . . waiting, you think you deserve to be mad? I stopped waiting for you a long time ago, Jonathan. I gave you what you wanted but it was only when you wanted it. I had no fucking say so. You took what you wanted and you left! What about me?! What about what I wanted?!" Evan breathed heavily and Jonathan shook his head.

"I didn't know."

"You didn't care! You had no idea what you were doing to me, what you've always done to me, because you're always too caught up in thinking about yourself and what pleases you at the time!" Evan curled his fists on the marble. "I'm done. With you, with waiting, with giving you everything and getting fuck all in return. Not even a thank you or hey Evan we should do this more often or are you okay with me coming over whenever I want to kiss the fucking life out of you and make you want me all over again and then leave before you can even say anything?!"

"I -"

Evan pushed away, "Save it. I don't want to hear you say you're sorry. Because you don't even know what the fuck you wanted. You obviously didn't want me. Just the convenience of a willing mouth that couldn't speak."

"That's not true!"

"Then what is?" Evan stood tall and held his stare. "Tell me right now what it is that you want?"

Jonathan opened his mouth and was hoping for words to come out, at least some that made sense but the only ones that formed were pathetic, "I don't know."

Evan looked somehow more disappointed than before. He almost laughed as he looked at his feet. "Maybe you should figure it out, but don't get your hopes up because I'm not waiting until you do."

"Evan, please -"

Evan slowly stepped forward and caught Jonathan's chin with his fingers and was just about to let their lips touch when he let out a short ugly laugh, "I bet you'd like that wouldn't you."

Jonathan winced at the pain that hit him right in the chest.

Evan pushed Jonathan's face to the side and turned away. "Get out."

Jonathan clenched his jaw and held back fresh tears because he knew there was no arguing with him. There was no pleading to stay so he walked out and lost it once he was out on the street. Jonathan cried, he screamed and found himself sliding down a concrete wall with shaking fingers as he dailed someone. Anyone.

"Hello?"

"Brock . . ." Jonathan was trembling. "Help me."

"Where are you?"

"I don't know, I think I'm a block down from my place. There's a SubWay nearby." Jonathan tried to clear his throat but it only made him cry even more. "I can't move."

"I'm on my way. What happened?"

"A lot of things." Jonathan sighed and rubbed at his wet face. "I really want to die right now and I need someone to stop me."

He heard Brock closing a car door, "Just sit tight, don't go anywhere. I'll be there, okay?"

"Okay."

Moo had always been the one with the most sense in the group. He was like the healer and the peacemaker. Jonathan still couldn't move when Brock showed up, just sat there emotionless as the man hauled him into the passenger's seat.

"Need me to take you home?"

Jonathan shook his head. "No."

"What about your dog?"

"Alone in my bedroom."

Brock sat there for a moment and debated what to do and in the end he got Jonathan's key, got the dog, then they all three set off on the road together. He stayed level headed about it or at least he tried his best as they got further out of the city and stars came out. Brock looked over at Jonathan to find him laying on his arm, his head halfway out the window letting the wind hit his face as he shed faint tears.

Brock turned the music up to help drown out his thoughts but he didn't know that he was making it worse.

(Listen to The xx - On Hold)

Jonathan wouldn't tell him to shut it off either, he just watched the lights go by and felt his life shattering like glass all around him. The words were like knives and the rhythm ran through his soul and he knew that it would take a lifetime to gain back Evan's trust, two lifetimes for him to even look at him again, three for him to touch, just a shake of his hand.

Jonathan cried a little more.

"What happened?" Marcel looked into Brock's room where Jonathan was lying there on his side on the bed staring at the wall with swollen eyes and a red nose.

Brock shrugged and whispered, "He hasn't said anything yet. I have a feeling what it's about though."

Marcel glanced up at him, "Evan?"

Brock gave a sad grin, "Yeah."

"But what the hell could've happened? Delirious has never been like this his entire life."

Jonathan sighed, "I kissed him."

They fell silent.

He closed his eyes and remembered every time their lips touched in painful detail. The softness of his skin, always freshly shaved, always smelled so good; tantalizing.

"I kissed him over and over again and at first it was just war, a joke, and a tease. It didn't mean anything. Until it did and it sort of became a thing. We'd hang out like normal and then end up kissing on the couch, in the kitchen, the elevator. It just happened, never went any further and I knew what I was doing. I was using him because he let me and I didn't know what that meant at the time. It meant that he wanted it and so did I and I was taking advantage of the fact that he wasn't saying anything about it. He just let me come and go and that's what I did. I couldn't admit to myself that I wanted him, that I've wanted him for three fucking years and I had him wrapped around my finger. I ran from it, kept girls on my arm, in my bed but it never kept him out of my head. I tortured him and I didn't even know it. I can't fix this. He's hurt and he doesn't forgive."

Marcel sat on the bed, "Evan cares about you, there's no way he wouldn't forgive you eventually."

"You don't understand. All the girls he's been with lately, it's because of me. He did it to show me exactly what I'd been doing to him and I fucking deserved it. I confronted him when he took a guy home that looked like me. That's when he asked me what I really wanted and I still couldn't figure it out. I just couldn't swallow my pride and tell him that all I fucking want is him."

"Well, now that you know, go tell him." Brock sat beside him and squeezed his arm in support.

Jonathan shook his head, "He said he wouldn't wait for me to figure it out. Said he'd stopped waiting a long time ago."

"Delirious . . . you guys have been doing this for long time now, like before the makeout sessions and you even moving to Cali." Marcel gave a small laugh. "You two are inseparable."

"He fucking hates me."

"A hundred bucks he's just as fucked up as you are right now." Marcel shoved at his leg, trying to lighten the moon. The front door opening in the background got their attention.

Tyler's voice boomed through the hall, "Where you assholes at?"

"In here!" Brock called and soon Tyler was in the room leaning over Jonathan, knocking sense into him.

"You listen to me and listen to me good. Get your shit together and go talk to that prick. You want him and he wants you no matter how mad he is or how many times he says he doesn't. He wants you. You always go back to him, always. But this time you need to stay, stop running from him, you pansy ass bitch. Grow a fucking pair and ask him out, go on a date, show him how you really feel. He's a Gemini, look up that horoscope shit and serenade him. I'm sick of both of you fucking idiots doing this shit over and over again. It's time to settle it. So go to settle it." Tyler stepped away and called for Jonathan's dog. "I'm taking her with me until you sort your shit out. Come on, Piper."

He left with the Pit and Jonathan laid there for two hours before he could even find the will to move. He stayed with Brock for a week and it was only on day eight that he could actually keep his food down. Jonathan lost ten pounds and he was weak, but he asked Brock to take him home and insisted he was okay and he wouldn't kill himself if he was left alone.

They still didn't believe him. So they took turns staying with him for a day or two until someone else could swap places. Lui was on his way out and Nogla came in.

"Eyyy, man. How's it going?" Nogla plopped on the couch beside him. "You talked to him yet?"

Jonathan shook his head and stared out at the rain. "He won't answer my texts or my calls. Probably deleted all the voicemails I left."

"You gotta go talk to him. Face to face. You can't keep sitting here." Nogla shook his head at him. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"To the local mart, you need to eat some more food. You've gotten thin." David threw his shoes at him and Jonathan didn't even bother putting jeans on, just went in his sweatpants and shirt, trudging along behind him as they browsed the fruits and vegetables. Everything was fine as they moved around people and put food in their basket. All was well up until his heart did what it hadn't done in two weeks; jump into his throat. All it took was the sound of his voice reaching his ears. It was funny how easily he could pick it out in the crowded store. He turned and felt his fingers shake when he heard it again.

"Hey, what did you want to see me-"

Evan stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Jonathan standing there looking like he hadn't ate a bit of food in a month. But his anger masked his concern and he closed his eyes when he realized Nogla didn't want to see him for anything. He only wanted him to see Jonathan. Evan sighed to calm himself down and when he opened his eyes, Jonathan's eyes were red and he was about to speak, but Evan backed away.

Evan pointed at the Irishman, "Fuck you, Nogla."

David laughed, "Yeah, yeah."

Then he was gone and Jonathan was doing his best not to cry as Nogla slapped him on the back.

"Ya see? He looks just as bad as you do. Bags under his eyes, losing weight. He's hating himself right now, just like you are. This'll work itself out." Nogla grinned and Jonathan didn't understand how he could be so optimistic about it when it felt like the world was ending.

Jonathan was dreading Friday because it was Tyler's turn to come over for suicide watch and honestly he was more nervous about that than anything. He flinched when he burst through the door that morning and just stood there, arms crossed as he looked around at the quiet apartment and then at Jonathan who was chewing at his lip.

"Well?"

Jonathan shrugged and rubbed his neck nervously.

"I'm going to kick your sorry ass in the face if you don't go over there right now and talk to him." Tyler glared and stood by the door until Jonathan got dressed and headed outside into the cold weather as it threatened to rain again. He walked with Tyler on his heels making sure he didn't back out and the ride up the elevator was making him want to puke. Jonathan's nerves were in a knot and didn't think Evan would ever answer when he knocked for five minutes.

Tyler hid when he heard the lock slide. The door cracked open and Evan peered out at him with tired eyes.

Jonathan's tongue was as dry as the sun when he cleared his throat, "Hey . . . I just wanted to ask-"

Evan slammed the door and locked it, leaving him feeling like an idiot for even trying. Jonathan turned around and ran straight into Tyler.

"Get your ass in there."

Jonathan rubbed at his eyes and shook his head, "How?"

"You have a key, fucktard."

Evan hadn't slept more than five hours since he saw Jonathan in the store two days ago. It struck a heartstring he didn't know he had. Deep down he really did know, but he had attempted to store it away for good. When he opened the door to his light cautious knocks, his heart hurt more than it ever had. Jonathan's usual pink lips were pale and he was even thinner than before. Evan knew he didn't look any better himself and he couldn't stand to see Jonathan's sad eyes looking him over, couldn't stand to hear his voice, or think about him in general. So he slammed the door and curled his fingers in to keep them from shaking as he walked to the window.

It was silent until he heard a soft click. So he closed his eyes, wondering why he never took his spare key away from him. He wondered why after all this time he still let him come back somehow.

"Evan," Jonathan started to speak, but he looked down and stared at his cold hands for moment, thinking of what he desperately needed to confess. The room felt so blue as it began to rain again and he could feel the icy air seeping through the glass. Evan's breath was leaving a fog on the pane as he stood there unmoved by the sound of his name.

Jonathan licked his lips and took a breath, "I can't make you forgive me and I won't ask you to because I don't deserve it. I never deserved you and I get it now. I deserved all the torture and the pain you put me through because I never realized what I was putting you through for years. I . . . teased and I flirted. I had you so close for the longest time and I never stopped to see how you had changed when you were around me. Now that I look back on it, it's all so fucking clear and I was so goddamn blind. I knew I liked you more than I did everyone else, but I don't know when I fell in love with you." Jonathan paused and saw Evan's fingers grip his arm just slightly as he stood there with his back to him, his arms crossed. "All I know is that I used you because you let me. You never knew what to say when I kissed you and neither did I and I thought it was better that way. I was thinking about myself and how I never thought I would end up being that gay guy and that kissing you and then getting with someone else would solve everything. Coming out is so risky and my career has been fragile from day one and it has all worked out for me because of you and that's one of the reasons I love you. Even if I had manned up back then and told you what I felt, there was still that doubt that you wouldn't feel the same way, or somehow it would get out and we'd both be ruined. I'm sorry I never thought about what you wanted and I'm sorry I never asked. I'm sorry for letting it drag on for years and then coming here and exploiting it like I somehow had power over you. Fuck . . . I'm sorry for trying to act like it was nothing, like I didn't want you. Because that's the biggest lie I could ever tell. I have the fucking courage to admit that now. That I want you, Evan. I want to be with you. If you'll let me prove it to you, I'll try my best and I'll give you everything I have to offer. That's what I came here to ask you. Would you like to go on a date with me? We can go next Friday so you have time to think about it. If you want to try this out, I'll be outside at seven with a car waiting."

Evan stood there like a stone and Jonathan gave him one last glance before he shut and locked the door. He moved down the hall past Tyler who gave him a nod and clapped him on the shoulder. "Proud of you, dude. That wasn't so hard was it?"

Jonathan pressed the button for the elevator, "That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I can't believe I gave him a week to think about it. I'm gonna be shitting my pants for seven days."

Tyler laughed the whole way down and offered to buy him dinner when Jonathan slapped him on the head.

(Listen to Dawn Golden - Discoloration)

Evan couldn't sit still and every night he went to the rooftop and watched the city moving below. It was something that made him feel almost euphoric. Like he was outside of his body, floating above the world and nothing mattered. It made him feel like he wasn't still hopelessly in love with someone that continued to get him high and then drown him. He held him under but each time he came up for air it was like inhaling a drug.

That drug was Jonathan. He was like the rain. He came and went but when he was there Evan couldn't look away, couldn't resist that undying urge to walk into and let it drown him all over again.

He took midnight drives sometimes while it was calm, windows rolled down letting the cool air in so he could breathe, listened to music with no words until he felt like there wasn't a void in his life.

It was Friday. His watch said 7:10 and he was staring at himself in the mirror pulling at the strings of his black jacket. He looked at the bags beneath his eyes, they looked a little better since he slept at least four hours last night.

7:15

Evan stared at the door.

Jonathan stared at the door.

Evan wasn't there.

Jonathan looked back down at the steering wheel and he blinked back the tears that stung his eyes. He grinned solemnly at the lights that distorted against the windshield, like how they did on the road after a hard rain. He started the engine.

The passenger door opened. Jonathan looked over and Evan was there, looking straight ahead for a moment before he turned his head.

"What's it feel like to be left waiting?"

"It uh . . . it hurts." Jonathan smiled and bit his lip, "I get it, I'm an asshole."

Evan gave him a grin, "Then let's go, asshole."

Jonathan drove them further into the city to a beautiful hotel and they took the elevator all the way to the top. They stepped out into the cool breeze and were greeted by the hostess who took their name and led them to a reserved seat even further up on a terrace just overlooking the edge. It was almost dizzying, but Evan loved it.

"So, tell me a little something about yourself." Jonathan sat forward, arm on the table, grinning crookedly.

Evan smirked, "Like what? You already know everything."

"Like, how long have you been into me?"

Their eyes met and their grins faded with the seriousness that washed over the setting. Evan thrummed his finger on the glass and looked out at the skyline. "I don't know. It wasn't always."

"Yeah, same. I hit a point where I just really wanted your attention."

Evan hummed, "Me too. It kind of frustrated me. Then I started hating it when you played with all your other friends. So, that's why I'd always hog you when we played again. Just wanted your attention, wanted to be near you. I honestly don't know when I started wanting you, maybe when you moved here, maybe when we practically started living at each other's place. I don't know. I wanted you and sometimes I thought you knew but then you'd run away. It was like you were getting a taste but then biting your tongue. You kept leaving me hanging with this god-awful craving and I'd wait. I was always waiting because I knew you'd do it again."

Jonathan let his finger catch the condensation running down his drink, "Why did you let me do it for so long?"

Evan simply looked at him and shrugged. He ran his hands through his hair and shook his head with a sigh, "I don't really know . . . I guess I was just so fucking addicted to you that I didn't even care. I let you hurt me for the longest time . . . because I loved it. Until the day I didn't."

"Laser tag?"

Evan nodded, "Yeah, that night. I mean, come on dude. She was tall and Asian."

Jonathan couldn't help but snort, "What can I say? I got a thing for tall hot Asians."

"Well you could've had me instead." Evan stated plain as day and rubbed his face, looking away as it fell silent once more.

Jonathan watched him gaze out at the night and thought about how much of a goddamn world wonder he was and how he had him the whole time. He had Evan in the palm of his hand and he'd held him there for so long he forgot he was there.

Jonathan tried to say something but Evan turned his head and looked at him the same way he did after they had kissed in a bathroom at Tom's place one night. Only then did Jonathan realize what he'd missed. That short-lived look of longing, a look he didn't let stay.

Jonathan chewed at his lip and left money on the table. "Wanna get down there?"

Evan followed his eyes when he motioned to the city. He sat back, "Why?"

Jonathan slowly smiled, "I can show you some places you've never seen before."

Evan drank the rest of his drink, "Alright. Show me."

So Jonathan did. He took him to a quiet colorful alley with complimentary spray cans and they spent an hour painting the walls with images in their heads. They were ridiculous and sloppy and their laughter echoed off the bricks.

They had dried paint on their fingers when they walked into a small hole in the wall bar that had an arcade machine that was original from the eighties and they attempted to beat the record that had been there for twenty years and failed repeatedly.

They walked the streets until it was one in the morning and the only people out were the clubbers. Music beat faintly and they ran under the glow of the traffic lights as they changed color. Jonathan stared at him as Evan turned in a circle with his arms out when it started to drizzle cold rain. He wanted to grab his fingers. He wanted to kiss him but he knew that was out of the question and he knew it would have to be Evan that decided when and if they ever did that again.

It was Jonathan's turn to wait without knowing.

He drove him home and walked him to the front door of his building and rocked on the balls of his feet. Evan had his hand on the door handle and he grinned at Jonathan's nervous swaying.

"I actually had a really good time."

Jonathan smiled, "Yeah, so did I."

"It's been a while. So . . . thank you."

"No problem. Do it again sometime?" He asked hopefully and Evan waited a moment before he broke into a smile and nodded.

"Yeah. How about same time next Friday? I'll pick you up?"

Jonathan licked his dry lips, "Sounds like a plan. I'll see you then?"

"See you then. Goodnight, well, good morning Jonathan." Evan pushed the door open and watched Jonathan step backwards toward his car.

"Good morning, Evan." He smiled one more time and waved as he stepped into the vehicle. Evan disappeared into the lobby and once he was home, in his bed, he slept for twelve hours and his eyes weren't burning for once when he woke up. He felt good.

"Oh my God." Jonathan was shaking in his harness. Evan strapped up next to him and the whole setup moved. "Oh my God!"

"Chill out." Evan laughed at him gripping the straps like his life depended on it.

It was almost dark, the sun was setting and it turned everything a deep shade of purple and Evan didn't feel that void anymore when Jonathan grabbed his hand as they flew down into the valley on a zip line. At first Jonathan screamed into the dark but as they came down into the forest where there were lights hanging in the trees, he laughed. It faded into a giggle until he was just smiling. Evan didn't let go until they got closer to the end. He felt that high again as the lights shined like small orbs of ambient light that made everything around them feel like a daydream.

"That was fun." Jonathan said once he was on his feet again.

Evan smiled and bumped his shoulder, "I told you so."

(Listen to Amber Run - I Found)

The next Friday they spent the entire night out on the town wreaking havoc at every place they could find. Evan brushed his fingers against Jonathan's when they were walking back home, quietly strolling down the sidewalk.

They'd been going on dates for an entire month when Evan finally took his hand in the middle of a cold sunrise on the boardwalk. It had been a late night and they'd just eaten breakfast in a little diner just off the road. Evan watched Jonathan stare at the horizon, waiting to catch the first glimpse of the sun. So he pulled him down to the boardwalk by his hand, leading him to the end where they peered over the edge at the icy water.

It was cold out but it wasn't numbing. It was sort of peaceful. The walk was pretty empty except for a few early risers and dog walkers. The sky was a pale blue, almost Jonathan's favorite color when Evan looked out at the horizon and asked, "Can I try something?"

Jonathan glanced over at him curiously, "Sure. What is it?"

Evan pulled his warm hands out of his pockets and let them brush over Jonathan's cheekbones, ghosting over his jaw before he cupped his face on either side and slowly pulled him closer. Evan leaned in and kissed him for what actually felt like the first time because this was thought out and intentional. It wasn't a joke or a tease or some late night drunk decision. This one was real and Evan took it deeper, feeling the warm light when the sun breached the horizon. It glowed orange behind their eyelids.

Jonathan had his hands beneath Evan's jacket to keep his fingers warm, settling on his waist. He curled his shirt in his fists when he felt Evan's tongue slide against his. He couldn't breathe when he finally pulled away.

Jonathan exhaled after a moment and blinked, "Wow."

Evan touched their foreheads together and gave a small sigh, "Feels better when you're not running from it, doesn't it?"

Jonathan nodded. Then he shook his head, "I am so fucking sorry, Evan. I didn't mean to do any of that to you. I never deserved you as a friend."

He pulled Evan's hands from his face and tried not to let himself tear up. "I definitely don't deserve you now. You should make me wait for a lifetime for what I did to you."

Jonathan turned and started walking away and he heard Evan laugh. He looked back and he was already there taking his hand in one of his and cupping his face with the other. "You are so goddamn dramatic and I'll be the judge of whether or not you deserve me."

Evan kissed him again and he could feel his tears touching his face. He pulled back and wiped his lips for him. "Stop crying, you big baby. Let's go to my place and play a game and eat those Reese's you left in my fridge."

Jonathan eyes grew wide, "That's where they went! I thought Piper ate them! I even took her to the vet. Wasted a hundred bucks for them to tell me she wasn't gonna shit orange wrappers for a week."

They laughed their asses off as they walked to the car and got warm. The apartment was even warmer and they didn't make it more than an hour before both of them were asleep on the couch. Neither woke until late in the afternoon just as the sun was going down. Take-out was ordered and the rest of the weekend was spent being lazy, watching shows, sleeping, and occasionally kissing each other senseless.

They continued to date more frequently, every other day instead of every Friday and Jonathan fell a bit more in love with him each time. He showed him things about himself he'd never known, like the scar he had on his side from falling from a tree when he was nine.

Jonathan told him he'd wanted to die when Evan told him to get out that day. He told him the guys took turns staying with him so the dog got fed and Jonathan didn't hurt himself. Evan pulled his wrist up to his lips and ran his lips over the delicate skin.

"Don't ever hurt yourself because of me."

"Of course I'm going to hurt myself. I love you. That's the best kind of hurting there is."

Evan looked into him and he could still see the regret, the pain, and the subtle guilt from all the things he'd done and he knew it was going to take time for Jonathan to forgive himself. Evan forgave him the moment he unlocked his door and owned up to his mistakes.

Jonathan touched his fingers to Evan's lips and grinned solemnly, lost in thought as he traced the shape of his mouth. "I need to go get Piper back from Brock. She's probably terrorizing his neighbors."

"Probably." Evan smirked against his fingers before he kissed them. Then he leaned forward into Jonathan's chest and took a deep breath, drowning in his smell. He could feel his pulse when he pressed his lips against his neck and just like before Jonathan put a hand on his shoulder.

"I should go." He whispered. "I'm not running from you, I promise."

"I know." Evan helped him to his feet and opened the door for him. He kissed him hard and let a hand slide up his shirt to rest in the curve of his back. Evan pulled their hips together and grinned when Jonathan's hands slid around to grab his ass. But then he pulled away, breathing hard, heart rate through the roof.

"I'll be . . . be back later." Jonathan stumbled backwards out the doorway shaking his head at himself as he walked down the hall. "Jesus Christ."

Evan knew he was holding back but this was something he was willing to wait for. It was all up to Jonathan and when he was ready for it, the next step. Evan stepped into his bedroom and thumbed through his phone, looking through all the stupid pictures they'd taken over the past two months. He laughed at the video that played of them riding a rollercoaster at Disneyland.

Evan was about to fall into the bed and he heard footsteps behind him. When he turned, Jonathan jumped, wrapped his legs around his waist as he grabbed his face and kissed him. Evan regained his balance and held him until he'd walked him back against the wall. His hips had him pinned and Evan pulled his shirt over his head. Jonathan struggled with his until Evan snorted with laughter and let him down, assisting him with his clothes.

"Shut up." Jonathan chuckled and smiled when Evan lifted him slightly and tossed him back onto the king- size bed.

Evan pulled at Jonathan's pants until they were gone. The rest of their clothes disappeared and so did all of their doubts.

About everything.

About each other.

Jonathan closed his eyes when Evan trailed his fingers up his thighs, so light and precise. Every touch had a meaning and every kiss he placed on his skin was a silent promise of forgiveness. A promise that this was real and not some sick form of revenge.

The tip of his tongue made a line slowly up his stomach and Jonathan shivered. He let his fingers find Evan's baby-soft hair and he felt it all swelling inside of him. The tears collected at the corners of his eyes while Evan kissed him with a smooth, fierce, warm passion that took Jonathan to a place he couldn't describe.

He'd never been treated this way; so careful and delicate. Jonathan wordered how long Evan had to sit there and suffer over him while he turned a blind eye to feelings he knew existed the entire time. Jonathan cried a little more and Evan wet his lips as he kissed them away.

He took his time, kissing his thighs, his ankles, his wrists. Evan took all the time they needed just to be certain Jonathan wouldn't feel an ounce of pain. He didn't want either of them to hurt ever again.

Jonathan sighed so deeply Evan didn't know if it was good or bad. But the next sound that he let out definitely meant it was good as he gently worked him open with slick fingers, his mouth slipping wetly over his cock. He brought Jonathan to the edge until he couldn't stand it anymore.

Evan pulled away and Jonathan pulled him up by his hair to lick his way desperately into his mouth. He pulled his legs up and urged him on. Evan gave into it, gave into him and Jonathan let his head fall back while Evan slowly rocked himself into a nice pace.

"Oh my god . . ." Jonathan breathed against his lips and he knew he was crying again because Evan's eyes watered and he looked down at him in the dim light.

"I love you." Evan whispered.

Jonathan showed his gorgeous smile again and Evan wanted this for the rest of his life. His thrusts came harder, faster.

Rough.

Jonathan clawed at Evan's sides, crying out in the quiet apartment until Evan grabbed his hands and linked their fingers against the sheets.

"I fucking love you."

"I love you fucking me."

Evan laughed, "I love your tendency to speak without thinking."

"I love everything about you." Jonathan moved his hips with his, gasping every other thrust. "I love the way you look at me."

Evan made their noses touch, "It's because I'm looking at my whole world and everything I've been waiting for."

Jonathan pulled in a breath and Evan knew he was close.

"Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop! DON'T STOP, DON'T-"

Evan didn't stop.

It was noon and someone was banging at the door. Jonathan pulled some of Evan's sweatpants on and shuffled through the apartment still half asleep until he reached the door.

"Whaaaaat?" He droned and yanked the door open to Piper who came barreling into him whining. She was happy to see her human again.

"Well, it's about damn time!" Tyler hollered and pushed his way into the kitchen as the dog continued to disable Jonathan. Brock and Marcel made their way into the room behind him.

"What are you guys up to? Assuming you're together or else you wouldn't be wearing his pants." Marcel grinned when Jonathan did.

"Yeah, I mean technically we're still just dating." He pushed himself off the floor. "Piper!"

The dog froze and stared up at him.

"Where's . . . . Evan?!" He pointed to the hall and she slid as she ran off through the bedroom door. They heard a confused muffle and then an, "Ow!"

Brock was laughing and then he asked, "So, not official yet?"

"Sort of? I don't really know. I'm waiting as long he wants, until he's ready to call us an actual thing." Jonathan shrugged.

Tyler cleared his throat, "If you two ever fall out, I'm not helping you fix it again. Been dealing with both of your shit for too long. I'm retiring."

"Trust me." Jonathan looked down the hall and he heard Evan's pretty, hoarse laughter as Piper pounced him. "I won't mess this up ever again."

(Listen to Seafret - Oceans)

Weeks went by and things got even better. They spent just as much time together as they used to before everything had happened. But this time around they weren't running from anything and they definitely weren't hiding how they really felt.

Evan took him everywhere with him. He took him to parties, cons, and dinner dates with random people. But no one ever asked who he was to Evan because they all just assumed he was his best friend. Jonathan didn't mind it, but Evan still hadn't brought it up. Not until now.

They were having a nice quiet dinner on the balcony when Evan asked, "Would you like to go to a charity gala with me this weekend?"

Jonathan paused mid bite, "You really want me to go? Like, as your date?"

Evan grinned, "Yes, as my date."

"Won't they be taking pictures and stuff?" Jonathan eyed him cautiously.

"Yes, but you don't have to let anyone know who you really are. Not if you don't want to." Evan reassured him. "It's all your choice."

Jonathan finished his food and licked his lips, "Well, as long as I can keep you on my arm like eye candy and make the girls jealous, then yeah, I want to go."

"Good. Because if I'm going to be with you, I'm going to be with you. I don't care what anyone thinks and they can say what they want when I show up with you. This is my life and you're in it. I'm not hiding it anymore."

Jonathan smiled and played with his fingers as the sun went down. He thought a lot about what Evan had said and he pondered his decision. After everything he'd done, Evan had taken him back, given him too many chances which was more than he deserved, and he loved him. Evan was finished. He was done hiding from the world and he was willing to come out to the media which was a game changer. But he was willing to do it without question. He was willing to risk it all just for Jonathan.

So, Jonathan made up his mind as he buttoned up his suit jacket and straightened his tie before they entered the gala that Saturday. Evan opened the car door and held out his hand for him. Jonathan took it and he didn't feel nervous like he thought he would. Instead of linking their arms or simply walking side by side, Evan took his hand and threaded their fingers.

Like a couple.

He could already see the cameras flashing faster, the questions pouring their way, getting more frequent and louder with each step. It felt like time was slowing down as they put one foot in front of the other.

"Vanoss!? Vanoss? Who's your date? Who is this handsome guy?"

Evan looked over at him and caught his eye. There was no regret, no second guessing before he smiled and said, "This is my best friend and my boyfriend."

Evan left it at that because it was enough. He wouldn't give them anything more than that. It was Jonathan's choice, one he'd have to make on his own. The cameras went wild again before the next expected question was thrown out, "Who are you, sir?! What's your name?!"

Jonathan stood there for only a split second, but he'd already spent days thinking about the repercussions, the down sides, but there were none. He was Evan's and Evan was his and there wasn't a point in keeping it in the dark anymore. He wanted the world to know. He squeezed Evan's hand and smiled at the crowd.

"I'm H2O Delirious."

Evan kissed him right there in front of the world. They put one foot in front of the other and kept moving forward. There was no looking back, just ahead and what each day had in store.

The void was finally, finally filled.