A/N: Hi guys. Thank you all so much for the continuous support you have all shown me with this story. I am so sorry for the length of time it has taken to write this chapter. I have been on the fence about writing a certain event which took place in my life, but after some serious thinking, I decided I was going to, because the harsh reality is that these sorts of things happen more often than we think, and so many people are affected by them.

As you know this story is semi-autobiographical, so not everything that is going on with Lucy is what I went through, however, if at any stage you want to ask me any questions or even vent, I am only a message away.

I would recommend listening to 'Love & Loss' by Mattia Cupelli and 'Mono No Aware' by Hammock while reading this chapter.

WARNING: Pease note that there are certain subjects and statements in this chapter that some readers may find upsetting.
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Chapter Seven

The front wheel of the cart was loose.

It wobbled side to side as I slowly rode it up the aisles, the weight of each heavy crate dragging it off to the long shelving unit Gildarts used to keep the spirits stocked.

It had been a quiet night. Unusually quiet for a Friday – the most eventful part of my evening being when I kicked out a group of kids trying to buy tonic wine. When they were gone it was quiet again, and I joined in on the quietness and that was okay. Gildarts had attempted to fill the void with the occasional joke, and I had learned that if I laughed loud enough, he would be satisfied and go back to whatever he was doing.

Counting yesterdays takings seemed to be enough to distract him for the time being.

The overhead light was flickering when I stopped at the bottom of the aisle, the buzz of electricity in the bulb almost deafening in the quietness. I made sure to pick the heaviest boxes I could find to unload first, throwing my back into heaving each one in and out of the cart. The rattle of the bottles our only music.

Gildarts looked up at the sound of my grunts, but I paid him no attention.

"You're goin' to hurt yourself, kid," he piped up when the cart was finally emptied. "Them pelvic floor muscles you women have."

"I'll be fine," I smiled firmly, pushing the cart back to its home in the corner. "Hey, weren't you supposed to leave like an hour ago?"

He smiled, his brow cocked as he finished flicking through his wad of twenties. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you was tryin' to get shot of me, Luce."

I didn't reply. I just smiled and quietly sauntered over to him.

"Go home," I said, arms crossed as I leaned on the counter. "I can lock up."

He looked like he was going to argue – his lips pursing to hold back a smirk. But finally, he relented, a loud puff passing through his teeth as he chuckled.

Gildarts, I could tell, had been an attractive man back in his day. I think the secret was hidden somewhere in his eyes. When he smiled, they did too, and that made even the ugliest person beautiful.

"Ok, I can take a hint," he sighed, rolling his eyes jovially while tucking the money into an envelope before pocketing it. "But don't stay open past midnight."

I saluted and he laughed, his eyes doing the thing.

"G'night, kid."

And just like that, it was quiet again. Nothing but the sound of my thoughts and flickering bulbs.

I waited until I saw his car drive away. I waited a little while after that just to be safe; flipping the 'We're Open' sign over to an empty parking lot. I wanted to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my sins. Lying on the floor in a stupor until morning broke.

I still hadn't told Natsu about it. About the baby. Calling the thing 'it' made everything slightly less real, and like straws, I was going to clutch to that as long as possible until everything turned into nothing. Nothing more than the memory of a mistake.

The floors squeaked under my shoes as I ambled down the aisles once again. My palms were sweating, and my fingers twitched – but without hesitation I lifted the bottle of vodka which had been singing to me since I had touched eyes on it.

"If only, if only," I whispered gently, walking back to the counter.

The floor was cold and dusty behind the cash register, but I sat down anyway. Directly below the picture of the river that still hung on the wall; hidden from the world.

I prayed to God that he'd look away when I opened the poison.

I begged him to tell my mom the same.

The tears of guilt and shame fell silently as I took the first swing.

And the second.

By the third I was burning from the inside out and by the fourth it masked my cries.

I didn't know how much I would have to drink. I just knew that it had to be enough to kill one of us.

Brushing the hair from my eyes, I buried my face in my hand, the bottle ghosting my lips. The smell was putrid, and I wanted to vomit. So, I drank again.

I didn't look up when the bell above the door rang out. I truly didn't care. The police could have been standing over me, or Gildarts. A small part of me wished it was my mother coming to take me home.

"Lucy?"

But it wasn't the police.

"Are you ok?"

Or Gildarts.

Skidding to a stop next to me, Cana gently lifted my face to look at her. Her eyes were big, beautiful and scared as she pried the bottle from my hand.

"What are you doing?" She demanded with wonderment. "What have you done?"

My smile was watery, and my shoulders slumped. Tired of the weight. Tired of the pain. Dragging me down to the pits where I wanted to lie.

She was with a boy. One I had never seen before, but who seemed to know her well. He stared at me, his eyes wide and jaw slack, a hint of something in his watchful gaze. But I paid him no attention. He was trivial at this point. Nothing more than a body. A pulse which meant nothing to me. As cruel as it sounded, I truly didn't care about his presence or existence.

"Cana," I said, choking on my words, the ache crawling up my chest like a burning inferno. "I. . .hurt. . .so much."

I clutched at the pain, my breaths coming out ragged. They were looking for an escape. An agonizing war cry just so they'd be known.

"It's ok, Luce," she cooed, pulling me in for a hug. "It'll be ok."

I didn't hug her back. I couldn't unravel from the knot I had tied myself in.

But it was okay.

We just sat in the stillness, and the boy just stood there; a faceless, shapeless witness to my emptiness. I didn't want him to speak. I didn't want him to look. But I didn't care enough about him to tell him to leave, and to Cana, he was just another boy with no great deal of importance. Nothing more than a companion for the night. So, he stayed.

"Are you ok?" And he spoke, defiling our silence. "Do you want me to get you anything?"

I didn't want his kindness, so I shook my head.

"A glass of water?" He pried.

"I'm okay." I rasped.

There was a pause as he looked at Cana, that hint of something from earlier shining fiercely, the corners of his lips curling up ever so slightly.

"I could call your boyfriend for you," he suggested, the subtlety of his smugness unnerving.

I didn't try to hide my glare, Cana casting her own looks of annoyance towards him.

"I don't have a boyfriend," I sighed through gritted teeth.

"But. . ." he smirked, pointing at me, a fire burning in Cana's eyes as she dared him to continue. "Aren't you the girl from the video?"

I didn't know what he was talking about. I wasn't convinced I wanted to either. The hint – the amusement – in his eyes blazed, and I could see that right from the beginning he had been bursting at the seams, waiting for a chance to call me out on whatever he felt he had against me. To spill forth the horde of secrets that gave him the meaning and purpose he craved. The ones that would validate his very being. But like the fool I was, I needed to hear him confess. I needed to know what awful treacherous things he had witnessed at my hand.

"What video?"

Anger emanating from her, Cana sat up. "Luce just forget it. It's nothing but a rumour," turning she glared at the boy. "You, get the fuck out of my store and never speak to me again."

"What!?" He looked confused. "What the fuck Cana? It was a joke! We were going to bone, and I just thought she might have wanted to join in is all."

"Just fucking leave!"

Her cry was shrill, and her breathing was heavy, but without arguing the boy left, his ears pink from embarrassment. As the bell above the door called out, I slowly stood. My knees were shaking, and my heart was racing, and I knew that whatever this video was, it wasn't me. It wasn't who I was or who I wanted to be.

"Cana," I began softly. "What was that about?"

She couldn't look me in the eye. Instead, she tucked her hair behind her ear and bent down to pick up the bottle of vodka.

"It was nothing Luce," she tried to smile. "Nothing you need to worry about."

"Cana, please don't lie to me," I pleaded softly, a silent tear escaping. "What was he talking about? What video?"

Finally looking up at me, her smile fell.

"Remember we went to that party a few weeks ago? That guy you know – Natsu – the one he invited us to," I did remember, and my stomach churned. "Well, there's a rumour going around, Luce, about a video . . . a video of you and Natsu. Apparently, you got really drunk and were making out with him on a couch in a room full of people, or something . . . P-people are saying that you guys were doing more than 'just kissing' and that his hands were up your dress, and . . . in . . . in your underwear, and that he was . . . Luce, I swear to you, I've not seen it, and everyone I've spoken to hasn't either, but . . . but they're all talking about it, and I didn't want to tell you because it sounds like total bullshit, and I told that guy it was bullshit . . .Luce?"

My knees went weak, and I wanted to be sick.

"I don't think the video is real, Luce," Cana carried on. "If it was, I would have seen it . . . I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but don't . . . don't worry about it, ok? It'll be old news in no time."

I scoffed, silent tears making no effort to hide.

"Cana," my voice sounded strangled, as I gripped onto the counter. "There may or may not be a pornographic video of me circulating around town and you're telling me not to worry? I can't remember what we did on that couch! I was really drunk! What if that did happen? I don't know!"

Pulling me away from the counter, Cana took my face in her hands, forcing me to look into her glassy eyes. I don't think I had ever seen her cry before.

But there she was, and there were her tears spilling forth.

For me.

"Lucy, think about this logically, ok?" She tried to reassure, her voice breaking. "This is you we are talking about, ok? You would never in a million years get yourself into a situation like that. Ok? You are not that type of girl. I am that type of girl. You're Lucy Heartfilia . . . You're too good."

I knew that Cana was only trying to help. I knew she was trying to dismiss the rumour of the video as nothing more than fabricated nonsense designed to hurt. But after everything, those words were a constant reminder of the pedestal that I had fallen from.

"I'm too good?" I asked, my voice quivering. ". . . Cana, I'm pregnant."

Silence.

Eyes wide.

Mouth open.

Realisation.

"Am I too good now?"

Stepping out from her grip, I took the stores keys from my pocket and sat them on the counter.

I didn't say goodbye.

I didn't turn back when she called my name.

I just took one glance at the picture of that river and left.

. . . . . .

It didn't matter how many times I had stepped foot in my house since my mom had died. It always felt cold. Empty. I knew it would never be the same. One heartbeat missing amongst the flock. It looked beautiful from the outside. The perfect family home with its white picket fence and tall blossom tree standing guard. A golden sandstone box of memories that the world looked upon as perfection.

Only the walls knew of the horror.

The death and destruction.

The staircase which once led to happiness was now build on bloodshed and tears.

I knew that when I stepped foot inside that house, I wasn't going to be coming out again, and I couldn't help but wonder if my mom had known the same.

I never thought I would feel fear when my decision had been made. But I was terrified. My heart was racing, and my breathing was ragged and all I wanted to do was stare at my life one final time before I left it behind entirely.

Just a little bit longer.

The petals of the cherry blossoms rained down – the irony of each one falling to the ground, to its end, was almost laugh worthy. But they were peaceful, and I could only hope that for me, it would be the same.

Head bowed; I knew it was time. My tears had run dry and my spirit was almost dead.

I looked at nothing but my feet as I headed inside, leaving my key in the door. I ignored Mavis as she greeted me, and Ashley as she asked if I had seen her purse. My father's callings landed on deaf ears and I paid no attention in taking my shoes off before stepping on the carpet. As planned, I just continued upstairs. I threw open my bedroom door and locked it back up before anyone could follow and with purpose, I headed straight for my bathroom.

The lights were dim, and the mirror was blemished. But I didn't need either of them.

I rolled up my sleeves.

I opened the medicine cabinet.

And the blades were sitting right at the front as if they had been waiting for my return.

I didn't take my clothes off when I stepped into the running shower. I didn't even take my phone from my pocket.

I sat on the floor and opened the box and the tiny piece of tarnished silver fell into the palm of my hand with ease.

My wrist was held out. My tears came back. The knocking on my bedroom door had started and all I could think of was if it would hurt.

I held the corner of the blade to my trembling wrist, the shower masking the frantic calls from outside my bedroom door. One swift stroke and it would be over. The water would wash away my sins, my pain and my very existence.

Just one.

The knocking on the door was getting louder. Banging. Thundering. A strangled cry crawled out from my chest. The corner of the blade was touching my wrist.

I needed the strength. I wanted to pray to God that he'd give it to me. That he'd take away my fear and just allow me to do it. But I couldn't find the words.

"C'mon," I growled through my tears and gritted teeth. "Just do it you coward."

I pressed it further into my flesh, but not enough to break the skin.

"Fucking finish it!"

I screamed.

Frustration.

I dropped the blade.

Defeated.

I heard the door to my bedroom burst open and I wailed. Sitting in the shower. Tears mixing with the rain. The failure I had become, I couldn't even end it.

Everyone was there.

Mavis ran to me as Ashley picked up the abandoned blade. Panic and disbelief danced in their eyes. They cried my name, my dad collapsing in a heap as he drowned in his own pain.

"What did you do!?" Mavis cried. "What did you do!?"

But I had done nothing. And that was the shame.

Without uttering a word, I stood, the shower still running. I pushed past Mavis. I broke free from Ashley's grip and jumped over my dad. I left them. Dripping wet, I ran. Down the stairs. Out the door and into the street.

And I just kept going.

Running as fast as I could. To the outskirts of Magnolia. To a little house isolated and alone.

I needed. . .

. . .Something.

Natsu didn't take long to answer his door. I couldn't remember knocking it, but I must have, or he wouldn't have been stood before me, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He was shirtless, a towel around his neck, his hair damp.

"Luce?"

He dropped the towel.

I crashed into him.

"What's wrong?" He asked, flicking his cigarette out the door. "You're soaked."

I pushed him further into the house, kicking the door shut before bringing him down for a kiss.

It was heated.

Zealous.

Healing.

He didn't ask any more questions. Instead, we danced through his house. Two parts of one soul. Designed in that moment for no one else but each other. My kisses were frenzied, but he met each one gently. He brushed my hair from my face, and I did the same to his. I needed this. I needed him.

I needed to feel something other than everything.

We buried ourselves into the sea of blankets. Sweat, passion and lust enveloping us like a shroud. Stripped bare, taking our fill.

It was like fire.

We moved and became entangled, our foreheads pressed together. Our breathing ragged and harsh.

I would love him tonight.

And he would love me.

Scratches and bruises. Tossing and turning.

We went up, and up and up and up until we couldn't any further. Until we came crashing down into the sea. Until we fell. Until it was over.

And when it was, I closed my eyes.

And I cried, and he held me, wrapping the sea around me and whispering me the promises of life.

He brushed the hair from my face. He kissed me one more time, and he lay us down in the dim light. Never untangling. Never moving.

"What can I do, Luce?" He asked, a heaviness in his voice.

I held him. My nails sinking into his back.

"Can you," I began, my face buried into him. "Can you be my flicker of light between the trees?"

I broke and he held me closer, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"Always. . .Always, Luce."
. . . . . .

A/N: Not going to lie guys, I had a proper breakdown last night discussing some of these topics. Part of the reason why this chapter took so long to write was because it was so real, and it was something I thought I had moved on from a long time ago.

I think sometimes hurt, pain, and grief is like gold boiling over a fire. One by one, the impurities in gold rise to the top and are skimmed away. They keep rising until they're gone, but it can take a while, and when you think all the impurities are finally out, another one pops up out of nowhere needing to be tackled. These life issues can manifest in many ways and at inopportune moments. When they do show, we can't just ignore them. Like the gold, we need to skim them away. If we don't, we will never heal.

I hope you liked this chapter guys. Please leave a review and let me know what you thought.

And on a side note, I must remind everyone that if anyone has ever videoed or taken your photo without your permission, whether what you may be doing in that video/picture is consensual or not, it is NOT ok.

I am here.

Don't give up.

YOU ARE SPECIAL.