Random Pezberry Thought of the Day #351:
"It started out as a joke. Fake dating to, like, get rid of some of the loneliness of being small town kids with big dreams suddenly confronted with the reality of a big city and big city people. Of course we didn't call it dating. 'Friendship days.' 'Friendship outings.' At least after Rachel wore me down enough to acknowledge I didn't want to outright slap her every time I saw her."
Santana heh'ed, shaking her head. "So every weekend, or day we had free time in, we alternated choosing places or cafes to go. It was pretty fucking idyllic, you know?
"At least until it became…" Santana paused, jaw tensing. She looked down as if glaring at her lap. "Well… More than fake. Then… Then, god, it was anything but."
(Tumblr tags: who is santana talking to?, i do not know, where was this going?, i do not know either, but somehow this still reminds me of some kind of hallmark channel stuff?, who the heck knows, yet another bit found in my bits and pieces)
/
Add-on by pauladeroma!
I think she is finally confessing to Kurt or Quinn after watching Rachel leave the apartment to go on a date that is NOT with her
/
Add-on by me!
Could definitely be... Could definitely be...
#352:
Kurt was at Adam's when the decision came to lock down the apartment building for quarantine. Deciding it would be better for him to stay away - but not before managing to smuggle out his supply of hair gel, some clothes, and his special fabric pillow while he shoved a bag full of tampons back at them - Rachel and Santana were left to stare at each other as the door rolled shut.
A.K.A.
The one where Rachel's exhausting and Santana's stir crazy and they have to figure out something before they kill each other.
(Tumblr tags: 'that was an embarrasing amount of tampons to get santana!', 'yeah like i'd trust some pimply infected delivery boy NOT to do something perverted to them, besides, grow up, it's not like you're not going to have gay babies at some point and chances are one or more will need them', (wait until kurt finds out santana only packed him underwear and socks))
#353:
This is another long thedeadflag and me headcanon waterfall/exercise/ramble (at least on my part). It's full of FEELS and I think worth sharing.
(And if you STILL haven't read thedeadflag's stuff, do it! Do it now! You won't be disappointed. She's amazing!)
/
purrpickle sent a post Person A an…
otp-imagines-cult:
Person A and Person B break up. One day, months after this, Person A goes out and sees person B wearing an article of clothing A got them on the last birthday they spent together.
/
This made my heart hurt. …And then I immediately thought of you. What does that say about our headcanoning/discussions? XD But seriously! This hurts, and makes my fic mind spin.
thedeadflag
Being more than a little tactile and always complaining about needing someone warm under her, Rachel gets Santana a big super comfy and warm scarf (one that could double as a blanket in a pinch) that she agonized and spent weeks researching, knowing Santana was picky about her clothes (not to mention Rachel being super unsure regarding her fashion sense when it comes to Santana, because of their history around that particular topic, even despite Santana's reassurances since shortly before getting together that Rachel no longer dressed herself like the wet fantasy of a creepy Japanese business man with a very specific fetish). They spend the last part of Santana's birthday with that scarf splayed around them, among other blankets, and it more or less becomes something Santana wears when she's cold and missing Rachel, a turn of events that just completely makes Rachel's heart sing at the sentimentality (she pens a song about it that Santana wishes wasn't hideously disastrous, but she indulges Rachel regardless whenever the diva wants to sing it to her so long as it's in private).
Flash forward two years later, about a year after they've parted ways, and Rachel's reading a tabloid on Saturday between her matinee and night-time performances on stage when she spots an article full of pap photos of celebs in New York after a major cold front rolled through the city in the winter. Her heart climbs up her throat at the sight of Santana. Santana, freshly broken up with some up-and-coming singer in a rock band, not that she paid an aching level of attention to her ex girlfriend, ex-best friend, and current distant friend who always seems to be busy, and who is only ever really available for brief FaceTime or Skype calls.
Santana, who is walking through Central Park in the photo, on the same path they'd spent much of their first date on. Santana, who is weARING HER SCARF
purrpickle
And god, nausea just pushes up her throat - the kind like her throat's strangling and her stomach's rolling because of the sheer visceral reaction to seeing something incredibly life rocking - and she has to pour over the picture, convince herself that it IS the same scarf, not just a similar one, and she sits back, suddenly numb, limbs heavy. It had to have been deliberate, didn't it? Their first date, THEIR scarf… Rachel scrubs her hand over her face, truly confused, a mixture of old, buried bewilderment of how things had gone so wrong and hurt and awareness and something she'd long thought had unkindled out of her - a spark of yearning, what-ifs pounding through her head, racing, her hands trembling a little as she pulls her warmed mug of coffee, previously too hot to touch but now her fingers didn't care - it felt good and the slight plain anchored her - close.
Staring at Santana's face, scrutinizing her neutral expression for ANYTHING, but getting no answers, she's only snapped out of her fog by her first alarm, alerting her she needed to start getting ready if she didn't want to be late for her habitual arrival an hour before she needed to be ready, and she decides, taking a deep, deep breath, forcing herself to close the magazine so it wouldn't blare out of her like a beacon each time she glanced in the table's direction, that she'll figure out how to feel later. And even if she had a decision to make in the first place.
*shares Katy Perry's song Save as Draft*
thedeadflag
:O i know that song! And it definitely fits that AU and now I'm riding a wave of angst
purrpickle
You're welcome.
It's the lines: I still have the same phone number and we've both grown but I don't know (paraphrasing, of course) that really get to me and that AU.
thedeadflag
absolutely. Like, the fact that so much has changed, but that same line of communication remains as when you were together…makes it all that much easier to remember back, to succumb to the urge to reconnect, to feet the same waves of emotions you felt when things broke off, etc.
purrpickle
Also, like, Rachel doesn't want to make the attempt to reach out, rekindle things… And have Santana practically laugh in her face. That's the worst feeling of all.
So her number's the same, always has been, so if Santana really wanted to reach out, like that photo suggests, why didn't she?
thedeadflag
mmhmm
Meanwhile, it's so similar with Santana. She's been just mowing through women since Rachel, and none of them hold a candle to the diva. And she just keeps trying, desperate to find someone who could make her feel like Rachel did, but there's just been heartache after heartache. But she's scared to reach out after their final big fight when things ended. Even though she knows with 99% certainty that one of Rachel's throwaway remarks about her being heartless was just a heat of the moment, slightly alcohol fueled remark from the diva, she can't help but call into question whether Rachel really thought that was true the whole time, whether Rachel hadn't really felt or believed her love for her. And Rachel's seemed so happy lately, so upbeat, and she's been miserable, and reaching out only to have those fears confirmed would be devastating.
purrpickle
My heartttttttt.
And, like, maybe that day Santana had been walking that stretch of Central Park INDULGING that heart ache, having only just happened to brush her hand across that scarf she can't ever put away, even if a relationship gets semi-serious (before breaking almost immediately). She'd stared at it, hands helplessly feeling how soft and warm it was, Santana's eyes sliding towards her bedroom window to see how cold and blustery it looked outside. And maybe she'd wrapped it around her neck, heart skipping a beat as she smelled the faintest hint of what Rachel had always smelled like, and maybe, the scarf so noticeable around her neck, she'd, for the first time in years since traveling that path almost religiously for months after they'd broken up, just HOPING that she'd run into Rachel and they could have… maybe… worked things out…, taken the turn after meeting for lunch with her assistant. She'd tried to school her face impassible, tightening the scarf around her as the wind blew, almost laughing bitterly at herself for forgetting her gloves again, shoving her hands deep into her pockets as she remembered how Rachel used to chide her about that, taking Santana's hands in hers or pulling Santana's hand into her own coat pocket, gloved hand squeezing her tightly.
thedeadflag
*gif of Emma Stone crying and eating ice cream*
purrpickle
She hadn't even noticed the paparazzi that day, trying desperately not to show what it felt like to know the bench where she and Rachel had had their first kiss at was coming up.
thedeadflag
Yep, definitely too deep in her "conceal" mode and her memories to realize anyone was following/watching her, for sure. Just thinking with every stinging heartbeat that this was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake. Because Rachel wasn't there, and the weather outside couldn't begin to compete with the bitter chill of loneliness and longing her walk down memory lane brought her
And for the rest of the week, she's haunted by the songs Rachel would softly sing when they'd get in from the cold and make their way up to the loft. And it's like whiplash, all those happy, loving memories with the renewed doubts that any of it was as real as she thought it was, as she felt it was back then.
purrpickle
Her footsteps had started to slow as she approached the bench… But with a sharp shake of her head she'd sped up and left it behind, telling herself she was stronger than she had been after the breakup when she'd sit at the bench and cry behind a magazine, hoping against hope that Rachel's warm, smaller body would settle down next to her, arms sliding around her and pulling her head to her chest.
It probably doesn't help that Rachel had been in a high profile, supposedly very serious and romantic, happy relationship for almost two years about a year after their breakup, with rumors that he was going to propose any time now until they had suddenly broken up. Santana didn't like to listen to rumors, knowing her own got out of hand, but it had still hurt. Because she'd been thinking about a wedding in the future - had ALWAYS been thinking a wedding was in the future once their relationship had settled and grown and became real, more REAL than any other relationship Santana had had. And the grapevine had said it was Rachel's boyfriend who had broken up with her, so it probably meant that Rachel had been ready and capable, definitely capable, of moving on. Sure, Rachel wasn't dating anyone currently, only casually here and there, and it had been a while since that serious relationship, but Santana couldn't help worrying that… That she wasn't needed. That Rachel had completely released her from her mind.
thedeadflag
i'm dying here ! Ugh, the feels
purrpickle
Really, this is a LOT of feels. It's so gooood while it hurts, too. XD
(You know, I was thinking, and it's okay if your addition contradicts this, I just wanted to get it down, but: what if Rachel was actually the one who broke up with her boyfriend and let him say he was the one who did? Because she was happy, but she wasn't AS happy as she knew she could have been. And maybe he DID actually propose, but she turned him down, and that's what led to their breakup.)
(She's never told anyone.)
(Not even her closest friends. The only person she DID almost tell, who she WANTED to tell, was Santana. But she didn't.)
(It hurt too much. And they were over, weren't they?)
(She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to admit who it was she still thought of. Too vulnerable. Too easy to hurt.)
thedeadflag
that's actually pretty much what I was going to add on, that Rachel was the one that couldn't go through with a bigger relationship commitment after Santana, because it never felt right, felt like enough. But she'd feel guilty enough to let the guy save face and say he dumped her. And she'd struggle with the urge to run to Santana to vent about the whole situation, because it was simply too much for her to handle reasonably well on her own, but she couldn't. Not when Santana had been the benchmark she'd measured him against, not when she and Santana were long since over with, not when they'd lost that best friends-style emotional intimacy long ago after their break-up. Even if Santana was the only one she would feel comfortable telling in theory, she couldn't, not when it was already super uncomfortable and exhausting and distressing to confront that she still thought of Santana. Not with all the distance carved between them since they'd split. Distance they pretended wasn't there, but was clear to anyone who cared to look.
purrpickle
What if… What if this is the first time other than directly succeeding their break up that they're both single at the same time again? Not even truly casually dating anyone.
thedeadflag
I could definitely see that
purrpickle
Like, absolutely single. Not talking single for two weeks or whatever or already forward towards the next relationship.
((("Did you truly think I was heartless?" Silence. Then, deep inhale. "No, Santana. I've always known you feel… Care too much.")))
Ohh, what if they start communicating through paparazzi pics? First Santana wearing that scarf in that part of Central Park, then Rachel fishes out one of Santana's shirts Rachel had found mixed into her things after the breakup and never given back.
thedeadflag
And they're both anxious messes, entirely on edge between pictures, trying to figure out if this is happening or if it's just coincidence, or if their foolish hope is blinding them to other messages at play.
But then Rachel decides to be brave and lures the paps to Central Park, getting them to take a picture of her sitting on their bench, with a vegan ice cream cone in her hand. They hadn't had ice cream on their first date, or their fifth. It was later, on one of their routine walks in the park, after getting ice cream in the dead of winter for reasons that baffled Santana, that they'd found their way to the bench. And she'd been midway through licking her cone when Santana had leaned up against her, all taut and breathless, confessing she loved Rachel.
And so there Santana is, years later, just staring through tears at the photo of Rachel in the park, cone in hand, head tilted towards where she'd been way back then. And maybe it wasn't a rekindling of the flames they once had, but it was…finally, for goddamn once…a clear sign that Rachel missed her. That she hadn't just been a stepping stone, an afterthought, a warm body. That Rachel really had seen her, known her.
purrpickle
*gif of crying anime girl*
I think Santana loses some of her nerve, finally deciding that she's going to reach out - because it's definitely in her court now, after that pic - to Rachel through text. She writes everything out, hundreds of times, erasing and rewriting and erasing again. Finally, exhausted mentally and physically, she settles on, "Do you have time for coffee?"
thedeadflag
Was gonna respond in a bit to this when I had more time but YES
Santana being all "aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA fuck my life whatever I'll just…fuck it, let's just see if she wants coffee" *send* Marches away and paces for fifteen minutes to work off her anxiousness
And she's just so exhausted, and worn down, and every minute that passes feels like an eternity, and brings a wealth of new doubts and second-guessing,
But then her phone buzzes
Rachel had been sitting on her bed when Santana's text rolled in. She'd done a double take, hoping she wasn't dreaming, and then left the room for a moment to come back just to confirm that fact. Santana wanted coffee. And not coffee-coffee-wink-wink-nudge-nudge like some use it as shorthand for a more explicit invitation, because Santana was not the sort to beat around the bush when it came to that… but coffee. Coffee.
And Rachel's mind immediately jumped to Stumptown, and Ground Central, and Third Rail, and Intelligentsia, all their old coffee hangouts across Manhattan, and the Bushwick favorites like Hearts, or Brooklyn Whiskers, and Mixtape Bushwick. All places with histories, but old histories. And as much as she yearned for Santana, and loved so much of their time together, she knew she'd grown as a person since they'd split, and that Santana almost assuredly had too, so she needed a new home away from home where they could feel each other out. A new place, a new tradition. A new them.
It took her twelve minutes to scour google for a place with good reviews that seemed to have the aesthetic that could fit them, and before she could overthink, she sent a name off. Abraço
And then quickly followed it up with an explanation and a flurry of potential times and dates she was available, because of course Santana wouldn't understand what the word meant on its own
purrpickle
I think Rachel's also struck at how it's worded. It's completely up to Rachel, how she'll respond. Rachel might have expected some demanding or direct request, but the Santana she had gotten to know… It did make sense. And it also spoke a lot to her because Santana was respecting her time.
And Santana, having frowned down at the random word when she'd snatched it up almost before it was done vibrating, felt so much relief like heat pool through her body, almost making her limbs numb. But as she read over the times and dates, Santana felt her heart sink, along with her smile. She was busy. Each day. She'd forgotten that she was headed for LA that Monday, for two weeks, as well as not figured that, it being currently a Wednesday, Rachel would be busy with her shows through that week and weekend.
Santana's shoulders dropped, her eyes burning. She hoped that this wasn't a sign. And the fact that Rachel had responded at ALL was a positive. But Santana didn't WANT to send back what could be construed as backpedaling, or having changed her mind. But it was true she just… Couldn't make it. Still, fingers trembling as she typed out something she hoped wouldn't stop everything, her heart pained, she sent it, and hoped it would be okay.
"God, I'm sorry. I totally forgot I'm going to be in LA for two weeks starting Monday. This isn't an excuse not to meet. I'm sorry. Maybe after I come back?"
(My thought being they could start texting slowly again, getting to know each other again before coming face to face. And they're adults, with busy lives, and, I think, it almost makes it mean more if it doesn't go smoothly.)
thedeadflag
! absolutely!
purrpickle
It also goes to show how impulsive and exhausted Santana was, completely forgetting that.
thedeadflag
I could definitely see it happen. Sometimes in her excitement/determination, she can get impulsive and not think things completely through
purrpickle
Okay, delete the second I'm sorry in the text. I was thinking I'd forgotten to put one in. And that way, when Rachel gets the first text, she DOES feel let down, but then Santana can quickly send another text with another I'm sorry in it. (Or is that too cliche? XD)
thedeadflag
Nah, they're awkward messes. They've already fumbled their way through communicating via pap pictures. What's a little fumbling through texting?
purrpickle
OH GOD. Though I'm not done exploring this adorable awkward mess of Rachel dealing with the high and abrupt low - while Santana's in LA, all the magazines and tabloids are talking about are her romantic lunch and dinner dates (with her producer or something), no matter where Rachel looks. Like, she and Santana are communicating, and she knows not to trust tabloids, but Santana looks so HAPPY in the pictures, with the smile on her face that always made Rachel's heart pound.
Like, it's not a big thing between them, but it does stick in the back of Rachel's mind.
I was thinking earlier that both women make a concrete decision to not rush things - or, let's be real, even discuss what's happening with each other because both are terrified the other isn't after trying again - and just hang out as friends for a long time. Sure, there's awkward moments and in drawn breaths when they accidentally brush against each other, but they just get coffee together, then more coffee, then maybe lunch or brunch, then Santana inviting Rachel round to watch some sort of television show together or something. They try very hard to rebuild up the friendship they lost.
And there are missteps. From both.
thedeadflag
Oh for sure. They've been so out of sync for so long that they're going to bring some friction, and fumble around. And some old habits will resurface that are (or at least feel) a bit too intimate for that stage in the relationship, and that'll throw them off their games, and have them retreating, and yeah. I definitely think that's likely
purrpickle
Oh yes. Definitely. Good point. It kinda stops them cold when they realize what's happening. And yeah, they retreat. It's them, after all.
It's like, is all this awkwardness, hyper focus of NOT to do the wrong thing, even worth it?
Somehow, Rachel and Santana manage to get coffee and talk and spend together for about two months before people start to catch on, or take pictures of it. Immediately, the tabloids clamor about "Old flames igniting" and "Rachel had never given up on Santana" and "Santana turning to Rachel to repair her scandalous reputation", etc. etc.
It's not long before Quinn is calling up Santana, not wanting her old friend to be hurt again, while Tina and Mercedes show up on Rachel's doorstep, demanding a girls' night out/in - and Rachel, who had had plans to see Santana that evening has to cancel them, awkwardly starting, like, "Tina and Mercedes are in town…" and "Yeah, I get it," Santana answers, "Tell Wheezy and Chang One I's talk to them later." Both don't get too good of a night's sleep.
thedeadflag
And maybe they manage to sneak off to a coffee shop late the next morning, all bleary eyed and grumbly, and proceed to pass out against each other in a shared booth seat. They wouldn't mean, to, of course. It's the one place that has someone deliver coffee too their tables, but it takes longer than they expect (or, than Rachel expects, given Santana knows how complex Rachel's order always is) and they're both just so tired from being up all night thinking about how to navigate the situation with their friends when it'd been hard enough to navigate on their own without the interventions and interrogations.
purrpickle
It's Santana who wakes up first when the barista comes over, and she groans, nodding at the guy to just leave the coffees. She shifts a little, heart squeezing as Rachel's head rubs against her shoulder, the other woman protesting at getting moved, and Santana lightly nudges her shoulder. Her heart is beating hard, her brain telling her not to move her, to take the opportunity to feel her against her again, and breathe in the scent that had always been RACHEL… And her fingers hover over Rachel's cheek, aching to smooth her bangs from her eyes. They've gotten close again, but… Not close enough for that. And they - still - hadn't really talked about where they heading.
Exhaling, her eyes averting as they threaten to water, Santana nudges Rachel's shoulder again, harder. "Coffee's here," she shrugs casually when Rachel sits up, blinking at her blearily. Rachel's scent and warmth is gone, and Santana takes a sip of her coffee to cover herself.
"Oh, thank you. I… Was I sleeping on you?" Rachel almost stutters, blushing. She can't believe herself.
(There was a song I was listening to [on repeat when I couldn't find the case to swap out the CD] on my drive back up that very much reminded me of this story. Let me see if I can find the relevant lyrics.)
(We used to be inseparable, I used to think that I was irreplaceable We lit the whole world up, before we blew it up, I still don't know just how we screwed it up)
-Selena Gomez, Love Will Remember
thedeadflag
this angst has me wishing lesbian life alert was a real thing because I think I'm gonna need it if this keeps escalating XD
purrpickle
At least in this 'verse they're rebuilding and getting each other back. :D
thedeadflag
this is true :P
purrpickle
(But honestly, it screams angsty Pezberry to me.)
Who breaks and moves in for a kiss first?
thedeadflag
I think Rachel. It's the slow build-up of past memories and feelings alongside all the fantasies and ideas and hopes her overactive imagination and inner passion drum up over the months of playing it cool and feeling each other out. Rachel does her best to keep composure, to play it safe with her heart, but she's absolutely not a "bend, don't break" girl, she's composed and strong and willful until she's suddenly not, and it's in one of those moments of weakness where she just straight up finds herself moving in for a kiss before she can catch herself. She's always wanted anything and everything in her life too damn much, and after so long just dancing around with Santana in this pseudo relationship, she just gets overcome by a rush of need, and…well, she wouldn't be Rachel Berry if she wasn't driven to excel in everything she does
at least, that's my take
purrpickle
And Santana registers what Rachel's doing as she's moving in, Rachel's hand tight in the sleeve of Santana's coat, and god, she's shocked still, lips parted as Rachel, hesitating only a second, own lips trembling, presses into her. It's not a long kiss, Santana's hands rising to cup Rachel's sides, Rachel already leaning back even as Santana gently puts more and more weight on her as if to push her; but then Santana wavers, and with a breathy, needy exhale, she's closing the distance, her own lips molding back over Rachel's. It's not an exceedingly passionate kiss, this one, just lips pressing against lips, hearts jumping and chests heaving with bodies prickling, but both women are slightly dizzy from the sheer RELEASE and CONSTRICTION it blossoms inside of them. Release, because it means both are on the same page, but also constriction from the sheer anxiety and fear inside each other that is this right? Even if they want this so much, should they TRULY try it?
(But Santana's not strong enough to pretend she doesn't want this.)
But they take it slow. Don't fall into bed. Don't even have a hot and heavy macking session. They just kiss once, twice, then pull back, staring at each other. Then they talk. They talk a LOT. Things waterfall out. And then Santana goes home for the night, maybe even the one to suggest it, that they should take the time and think and make sure that if they agree to actually try again, it's with time away and it's not the rush of just how amazing their physical connection has always been.
thedeadflag
Yep. Maybe if it was their first time entering into a relationship, they would have fallen into each other and their passion, but they're older, more cautious, with greater willpower. As much as Rachel might want to give in completely, she knows they have to get it right this time if they do it at all. And that means patience, time, and lots of talking. And while she's only comfortable with the last of those three things, Santana's worth the effort.
(and yeah, I can see Santana suggesting heading home…as much as Rachel is a fantastic planner, she's more reactive than cerebral in the moment, at least compared to Santana, not quite as quick at plotting out the smoothest, safest way to handle this new revelation after they've talked enough about it and what it means for them. Rachel would ask a lot of important and detailed questions, but Santana would be steering that particular ship and figuring out for the both of them when they need to call it a night)
purrpickle
Right. Santana wants to protect her heart - and part of her still can't help but want to protect Rachel's, too - and she knows when she needs to step away, to process, and especially knows when Rachel needs that too. She needs to know that when they meet up again the same feelings will be there - from BOTH of them. And she's scared. She's honest to god scared. Kissing Rachel scared her - because it was real, because it illustrated that the physical feelings are still there, and because Rachel hurt her before. She knows, logically, that they've been working towards this, that obviously they set out with the resuming of their relationship in mind, but if it's actually starting to happen… No one, aside from Brittany during high school and the time afterwards, has meant so much to Santana. And she doesn't want to squander this, knows her particular role to play in this, and NEEDS to see Rachel reach out and meet her. And part of that is slowing them, if just to feel like there truly IS a way she can control this, feel in control.
That the EMOTIONAL part of during the kiss was still there, too.
She's vulnerable, but what she's learned over the years they were apart and her trying to move on, is that they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives.
thedeadflag
^^^ This is hitting me right in my fluffy angst feels
purrpickle
Me tooooo.
I thought it was very important, this part: they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives. Because it's SO TRUE they could fall into the old trap of just picking up from where they were, bury themselves and hide in it. When what they really need to do is TRULY start over, MAKE new love and let it be them, not the echo of what it once was.
Basically, they can't live on the dying energy of a supernova. They need to live on the new world built from its stardust.
thedeadflag
Yep. They aren't who they used to be. They can't fall in love with the ghosts of who they were…they can appreciate the good times they shared back then, and the love they had for each other, but they're different people now. They need to completely explore each other's depths again, and and find out if they're compatible again, if they can fall in love with these new versions of each other. Just because they fell in love once, and were a good fit once, doesn't mean they would again. After all, they fell apart because they stopped being a good fit. Something changed, or at least something didn't fit where they thought it did, and that hurt more than anything. So they need to get it right. They need to be careful. They need to figure out if they really fit together instead of just hoping they will and ignoring the details, because neither of them want to get hurt again, or to hurt each other. They know they deserve love. It's whether or not each other is the right one to share it with is the question they need answering, and Santana's absolutely going to figure out if the people they built themselves into after the wreckage of their relationship are compatible pieces of their life's puzzle, or if they're just better off friends
purrpickle
Oh god my heart just died. And honestly, they're both so scared that they'll only fit as friends. Because the way they feel about each other, they can't see a future where just friends would be enough. And yeah, you should always be friends with your lover, but could they ever be friends if they weren't lovers? Would they be able to grow into that.
And honestly, I just saw a heartbreaking scene where Rachel's crying, sobbing, because she's so terrified Santana's going to say they won't fit, they won't work, and she's mature enough to realize that she shouldn't, wouldn't be able to MOLD herself into fitting together, or "changing" Santana to fit her inside herself either. Because if Santana says friends, that's it, and she'd abide by it, even as her heart's breaking. But she's crying, admitting to Santana that she wouldn't be happy, that she's terrified they won't/can't try again.
She's not trying to put Santana on the spot, but she can't help how she feels.
thedeadflag
She wouldn't be Rachel if she could
*help how she feels, that is. She's always been particularly vulnerable to her emotions pulling her all over the place. Again, she's always wanted things too much
purrpickle
I mean, that makes it sound like Santana's the gatekeeper for their relationship, but I kind of imagine, in this case, she is.
Rachel's not another rushed into high profile fling. But also, Santana does drag this on a bit too long. Maybe not entirely knowingly, but I can see Rachel finally pointing it out to Santana, quietly, forcibly stoically.
thedeadflag
and as much as she heard Rachel's words, as much as it all clicks together with perfect sense, it only lays her fears bare for all to see. She's always been cautious, calculating, and one of the few times she wasn't, she got her heart annihilated. She's terrified of that happening again. Even if everything points to them being a good fit, she second guesses herself, and though she realizes that a little late into their new attempt, she can't help it. She's scared. Because as much as she can see a vivid future together, she can still remember exactly how each one of the many breakdowns felt after she and Rachel fell apart the first time.
But it's a good thing, it's exactly the kind of kick in the ass she needs, because she's been patient, she's been cautious, she's been so focused on them and how they fit, and she just hasn't let herself put all the pieces of their mosaic together in her mind yet because she's been terrified they won't fit, not just because she knows it'd break Rachel's heart for them to not be able to be friends, knowing it wouldn't be enough for Rachel, and that it also wouldn't be enough for her after everything. Not with how she feels. But also because she's terrified that they will fit, but that she's missed something, like last time (because of course Santana blames herself, regardless), and that they'll end up repeating past mistakes.
But they're not the same people. Not anymore. And she goes over the differences between who they were when they started the first time with Rachel, and who they were when they ended. And the fact that Rachel isn't on-the-fly creating a powerpoint to visualize the differences as they brainstorm and reassess what they've learned over the past months…maybe it's a little absurd to focus on, but it's something that she uses to keep herself focused and faithful on the notion that it really isn't too good to be true, that maybe they really could work together. That in the years that have passed, they've grown and changed and the flaws that condemned their past relationship aren't there anymore. And at the end of the two and a half hour conversation, their coffees cold on the table, the sun long since set, Santana asks what they do now? (maybe? I don't know, is that the right sort of direction?)
purrpickle
(I'm not sure what you're asking?)
thedeadflag
like, I don't know, my mind's been a little foggy all day, so I'm not sure if I'm missing anything important in my on-the-fly stream of consciousness rambling/brainstorming
purrpickle
Hey, you're making more sense than my word deluge seems to make to me. Is this two and a half hour talk happening after Rachel tells Santana she's drawing things out?
thedeadflag
yeah, that's what I figured. Like, maybe Rachel says it, warns Santana, and plans on leaving directly after to let Santana think, but Santana reels Rachel back in, because okay, yeah, she HAS drawn this out too long, and if they need to get down to it and make the call, figure out if they're 100% in or out, then they do it right now. So it's two and a half hours of arguments and counter arguments and pros and cons and drudging up painful past memories yet again, and contrasting with what they've recently learned, and maybe some more info they share that seems innocuous but the other finds interesting or surprising, and it's all exhausting, and lasts much longer than expected, but by the end…every negative counterpoint, every con, has been dealt with or they're explicitly aware of it and have discussed how to work through that. And they're left with…all signs pointing to yes, pointing to "Pezberry: The Sequel" as Kurt and Quinn would call it. And as scared as she is, Santana's in. And Rachel, Rachel's overwhelmed and relieved, and frazzled, but she's in. But then they have to figure out where they go from there, and Santana's just blanking, because how do you ask a woman on an official date-date after you've spent 2 and a half hours going through an emotional gauntlet together?
purrpickle
You know, I think Rachel steps forward at this moment. She's scared, exhausted, too, but she can see how scared and exhausted Santana is, too. And Rachel carries a lot of the guilt inside herself, too. She reaches out, palm trembling, to cup Santana's cheek, pulling her to look at her. "We both want this," she whispers, "And we've talked enough that even I feel that anything more at this moment won't say anything more." Rachel laughs lightly, biting her lower lip, smiling as Santana's lips curl up, her dimples starting to show as her dark eyes meet Rachel's, "Why don't we…" Rachel licks her lips, heart starting to trip in her chest, gasping as Santana's hand finds her free one, almost shyly curling around it - just to feel Rachel's hand in hers, not let her lace their fingers together. "Why don't we do this? Go on a date. I… I want to. Tomorrow. Or… The next day. Yes, the next day." Rachel lets her hand fall, curling it around Santana's around hers. "We… We can talk in the meantime, but truly 'START' there."
And they do start out slow. Hold hands, sit next to each other, closer than they had before, but not cuddling yet, and short, light kisses when they get done with their dates or go home for the night.
Oh god. The first time they have an argument (like all couples do). Both are vibrating and scared that the other will say something that will break them, or bring up the past, so each are preemptively trying to protect themselves and prickling the other.
thedeadflag
Absolutely, it's like they almost expect something to go horribly wrong, like a veil being lifted to realize it was never real, they never had a chance, their past heartbreak was too much to overcome, that they'd be defined by their past actions yet again
and they don't even realize they're doing it at first, but they're throwing barbs in a sort of self-destructive "it was never going to work, so at least by creating its destruction, I was in control of it, I could minimize the pain" sort of way, and it's just leading down and down, and Santana realizes it first after a particularly pointed remark that sounds so much like her high school self that it's jarring. And it reminds her that this is exactly what she used to do in high school, to herself, at almost every opportunity for happiness.
purrpickle
((Okay, so I came up with this, but I don't know if it really, truly fits? Like, yes, it's vulnerable enough, but I'm not sure they'd really be able to stop the argument in such this way. What's your opinion?))
Finally, after a sharp word, Santana notices that Rachel's… shaking? Her heart squeezes, her own tension in her body suddenly more noticeable. "Rache?" she barks, it coming out more angry than she means it to, still riding high on frustration and fear, "You're… You're trembling?" She still wants to continue the argument, the self destructive part of her wanting to "win" the row, but the self sacrificing part of herself wants to just hug Rachel. It's only a stupid argument, not, hopefully, she yearns, the true end of their relationship. And Rachel's not even looking at her now, inhaling, as if to ignore Santana's question and shout out another painful jab… But she's trembling. And Santana realizes she's trembling too.
thedeadflag
it makes sense. Santana does love to win, and is terribly stubborn, but she's shown a willingness to shift away from those parts of herself (at least temporarily) to focus on more emotional matters. (example: arguing with Rachel over the disposed pregnancy test, pulling Rachel close and comforting her instead of continuing the argument when Rachel tells Santana she 'had no right' and subsequently breaks down)
purrpickle
*nods* I also see it as kind of an unconscious trade off… Rachel made the first move to ask Santana out (after forcing the conversation), and Santana's the first to stop this spiraling maelstrom. Obviously, both don't want all of their arguments or tiffs to end up in sabotage, so they talk, again, promise to try and not doom them before they truly have a chance. They're worth it… They have to be.
Ugh… So I'm feeling extremely fluffy right now. The first night they stay the night with each other, like in the same bed, as both have ended up crashing at the others' place before in a guest bed - no sex, not even taking off clothes, just in pajamas - but definitely touching each other, and waking up tangled together.
Touching each other as in lying next to each other or holding hands or even Santana opening her arms and letting Rachel snuggle into her.
thedeadflag
you know I'm a total sucker for soft, simple intimacy ! Especially involving beds and snuggling !
purrpickle
In the early morning hours, it's the special time of day where vulnerable, true things can be whispered without repercussions or second thoughts. It's the close, soft, warm moments, where Rachel can bury her face into Santana's chest and say, so softly, that she's missed this. That no one's arms around her has ever felt so good. And Santana nuzzles the top of her head, and admits, just as softly, voice as emotionally naked, that she agrees. That it's like they were meant to be. That, and she swallows, pressing her lips to Rachel's hair, that maybe everything had to happen so they could have this.
(Tumblr tags: given brief formatting and editing, ugh ugh ugh, i remember being so wrapped up in this 'verse for a while, so angsty, fluffy angsty, the best kind i think)
#354:
Rachel froze.
"You slept with Quinn?" she asked, voice soft and brittle at the edges, stepping out of Santana's reach and turning to look at her at the end of the sentence.
Santana frowned. "Yeah? At the wedding that wasn't. I thought you knew."
"How?" Rachel's voice was sharp now. "How would I know that you had slept with your best friend that you just went to visit with, alone, last week?"
/
Add-on by pauladeroma!
But Rachel can't be mad at Santana. They were not together at the time. Are they together now?
/
Add-on by me!
It's a combination of not knowing (with Santana theoretically implying that everyone else knew except her) and, now knowing, getting jealous and insecure about Santana spending time alone (it was perhaps a weekend or four or so days) with the woman she'd slept with that Rachel was unaware she'd slept with.
Also. Are they together now? Could be. Could not be. Eye of the beholder, let's say.
#355:
Courtesy of lightbluenymphadora!:
Game Master
Rachel is worried about Santana. It's been months of her looking for a job, and she's worried about the stress Santana is putting herself under. So when Santana says she wants to go into business for herself, Rachel fully supports her. At first, Santana is gone a lot and won't tell Rachel where she's going. Then, one afternoon, she takes Rachel to the new space. It's a small office building with about five rooms. That's when Santana reveals the business idea: escape the room/mystery room games. This is about to be New York's most badass game space.
(Tumblr tags: yes, santana is savvy enough, detail orientated enough, and stubborn enough to make this work, :D, thank you!)
#356:
A/N: This is inspired by a TFLN: (859) This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk…
A/N2: So this is from ages ago, something unpolished that never fully came together as I'd wanted, I think, from the 2014-2015 or even earlier time. I don't know. I can't remember. Just from at least sometime that I paid attention to TFLN*s - or, like, at least from where they were "relevant" - I just know I haven't heard of them in years. Anyway, the important thing is I came upon this again deep in my tumblr drafts and figured it was worth sharing. :D Viva la Berrittana!
*If anyone doesn't know, TFLN means Text From Last Night
/
Rachel glanced at first Santana then Brittany, taking a large mouthful of her vegan chow mein. Washing it down with a large gulp of her mixed drink - something sparkly and warmth-inducing and potent Brittany had handed to her - she told herself, almost chidingly, This would be a good time for, as Puck would call it, the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk… Or perhaps, more likely for him, it would be the don't get drunk and bang a married chick again pep talk…
"Heyyyy," Brittany startled her, plopping down next to her on the floor, elbows on the coffee table Rachel was sitting at, "Having fun, Rache?"
Rachel smiled, nodding. Swallowing her latest bite of chow mein, she reached out, grabbing Brittany's arm; she patted it, quickly pulling back. "It's really quite nice seeing you. Thanks for inviting me over."
"Yeah, like we'd let you kill yourself mourning a broken heart," Santana interjected, taking the seat on the couch on the other side of her. Pushing her hair behind her ear, she smirked, eyes bright as she met Rachel's gaze, "Totally called for a girl's night, am I right?"
"Totally," Brittany chimed in.
Hopefully hiding her blush behind her drink, Rachel nodded, sipping deeply again. As much as she still missed her… Her stomach dropped, and tears threatened before she sniffed them back… Ex, it was nice seeing her old friends.
…Even if wasn't quite the same with thoughts of seducing one or the other being stubbornly resistant to being exorcised.
Really, it wasn't fair how still attracted to both Santana and Brittany she was, Rachel sighed. Ever since high school… And helped by the recent easing of hostilities between herself and the two… Couldn't her broken heart be some sort of shield to those ridiculous impulses, at least?
Admonishing herself again, sitting back to watch her two friends banter easily back and forth in front of her, Santana leaning forward to slide her hand affectionately down her wife's arm, knee brushing against Rachel's, Rachel smiled absently at Brittany's next words:
"Still, you want us to invite over some of our friends for some rebound sexing?"
"No," Rachel shook her head, able to keep her smile, proffering her drink up in the air, "I believe I'm good."
Santana tilted her head. "Liquor good or bluster good?"
"Yeah, because there is a difference," Brittany took up her wife's point, "Liquor good only feeds the now. Bluster good, meaning pretending like sexings - which sexings good, if done well, feeds the future - only tells us you need more liquor or, well…" She grinned, looking Rachel up and down, "Something else to preoccupy yourself with."
"While tempting…" Rachel bit down on her lower lip, cheeks warming, "I…"
Santana raised her eyebrows, lips quirking. "Ooh la la. Tempting?"
Scooting back, palms solid on the floor as she moved to better gaze at Rachel, Brittany smirked at her as well. "Rachel~?"
"While tempting," Rachel repeated, cheeks even warmer, "I think I'd start sobbing if I attempted to… Do anything."
Santana sighed. "That's annoyingly unsurprising." She shook her head. "Well, whatever. Drink that up and we'll revisit this." She grinned salaciously. "Worse comes to worse and we'll just invite you into our bed."
"Yeah," Brittany agreed, seeming almost maybe into what she was saying, tilting her head and her lips turning up, "That could be fun. That would be fun."
Rachel blinked, staring first at her, then at Santana, her breath skittering in her chest. Okay, no. Not fair. That didn't help at all. "Hah, hah," she laughed, pushing all other thoughts except for "they're joking - they have to be joking" away. "You guys are funny."
"Funny." Santana's eyebrows twitched up.
And, "Funny?" Brittany echoed. She pouted, meeting Santana's gaze. "Only funny?"
"It's not a bad thing!" Rachel hastened to say. Really, how could funny be a bad thing? Let alone, at least in the way she meant it? "I just," she laughed hollowly, bravado on full display, "I know you're kidding, and though I appreciate it, I don't need - "
Brittany's hand on her shin stopped her, and Rachel's mouth snapped shut.
"But what if," the blonde smiled, making Rachel's heart spike, "We weren't kidding?"
And Rachel, eyes flashing up to Santana's, then back down to Brittany's, gaped, swallowed, and then swallowed again. Her voice was high, breathy in her chest. Strangled. "…What?"
#357:
"Get me some privacy so's I can invade yours."
Santana's voice was low and husky in her ear, as promising as it was quick, her lips almost caressing her cheek as her hand pressed into Rachel's upper arm before she was moving past and winking at Rachel over her shoulder.
Shuddering, and inhaling as heat moved up and down her spine, Rachel brushed her fingers along the bottom of her shirt, and told herself it had been enough time that she could safely find the owner of the party to make her - and Santana's - regretful goodbyes.
#358:
"I don't know if I should be holding your hand."
Santana stopped before stepping up onto the porch, looking over at her girlfriend, eyebrows quirked. "What?"
"Your hand." Her eyebrows drawn and lips pursed, Rachel's wide dark eyes met Santana's. "Is that too intimate? Too… Skin touching?" She inhaled, "I don't want all that your parents can think about me being that I'm sleeping with you."
Santana laughed, unable to stop herself from asking again, "What?" When Rachel didn't answer, she sobered, shaking her head, taking a step closer to Rachel to take her other hand in hers. "Okay. But. Rache. You don't…" She stopped, then started again, voice wry and dry, "What did you do when you met The Finncredible Hulk's mom for the first time?"
"Santana. This is not about Carole Hudson. This is about you and me and your parents,never mind that I and Finn had not yet - "
When Santana let go of her hand to sharply and dramatically raise her own, Rachel appeasingly stopped, and Santana's crooked smirk exhaled into a deeper smile before she reached out her raised hand to gently push Rachel's hair behind her ear, palm cupping her cheek. "Okay, okay. I get it. Not the point. All's I'm asking is… Even if we weren't having sex - which, me gusta and I am totes enjoying it," she tapped Rachel's nose, "Would you honestly be this nervous meeting mi madre? O mi familia?"
Pink colored Rachel's cheeks, be it from the Spanish or the question. "I… San… That's not… That's…" She glanced down before meeting Santana's gaze again. "I just don't know how you do it, okay? You met my fathers and barely batted an eye!"
Santana scoffed. "Yeah, right, that's not fair. When we met? I was still pretending that we were just study buddies." She raised her eyebrows, lips curling into a smirk as she motioned between them, "You think it wasn't any different after they found us naked and in your bed?" When Rachel's blush deepened, she grinned, mming as she leaned forward to press a slow, deep kiss to her girlfriend's mouth. "C'mon, baby. We got through that, and we'll get through this. Even if my 'rents end up thinkin' about you gettin' 'tween my thighs," she murmured, slowly rubbing Rachel's waist before wrapping her arms around her, pulling her into her body, "At least they haven't actually seen it. You'll just talk and talk until you charm them. I know it."
Rachel exhaled, grumbling, smiling despite herself as she turned her head, pressing her nose into Santana's throat. "I feel like you're both trying to change the subject, and that I should be offended."
Her grin turning into a real smile as she dropped her chin to nuzzle Rachel's cheek, Santana kissed her again, lips quirking up as she grabbed her hand to once again pull her towards on the porch and up to the front door, free hand falling on the door knob. "Yeah, babe, and you probably should be."
(Tumblr tags: so maybe they'd talked about it beforehand but still, and maybe spanish is one of rachel's weaknesses, at least from santana's mouth, mmhmm, but also, OH MY GOD THEY WERE STUDY BUDDIES, okay no but still, you know i was convinced i'd already shared this, or at least part of this, but i couldn't find it searching my blog, either way i know it's similar to a rptotd i shared at least, of rachel going to meet santana's family, but at least it's different!, another find in my bits and pieces file)
#359:
Rachel closed her eyes. "So everything I thought I knew about you was a lie…" She took a deep breath, then exhaled, opening her eyes to meet Santana's again, tongue flashing out to wet her lips. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to get to know you again. If you'll let me."
(Tumblr tags: another find in my bits and pieces file, i know it's a whole bunch of vague-ness, but still, i love what it suggests, where it suggests it came from and where it suggests it's going, :D)
#360:
This is tied to RPTOTD #229. :D
/
"You're sniffing me again."
Jerking up at Santana's casual drawl, Rachel flushed, turning her head and looking away from the cheerleader sitting next to her. Comfortable and relaxed on Rachel's bed, back against her headboard as she read over their science textbook, Santana seemed more amused than honestly perturbed. She exhaled, turning a page in her book, lips curling up. "It's creepy."
Rachel bowed her head. Protesting wouldn't do any good, she knew. Instead, she tried to act as if she hadn't heard Santana, checking her phone which she'd placed opposite just for this situation. I'm doing fine, thank you, she responded to Tina's text from earlier that afternoon, Santana has made no overtures of killing me.
Yet.
Hmming, Santana drew Rachel's attention again. Brushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear, the Cheerio looked up, smirking at her. "Careful, Berry, or one might start to suspect you like me."
Caught with her eyes on her, Rachel froze, cleared her throat, and tried not to blush as she formulated her reply.
(Tumblr tags: but what reply was it?, ;D)