08

How?

How do you get through it?

How do you get through things that you'd never thought you'd experience in your lifetime? How do you get through the fact that your safe spaces aren't safe anymore? How do you move on when you don't sleep? When you have constant nightmares? When you're plagued by what you saw even during your waking hours?

How do you continue to live when a life was cut short?

Trini was working to figure out the answer. No matter how many times she meditated, took time for herself to be one with nature, space and time, to gain some clarity, she couldn't make sense of it. It never made sense, but for a life to be cut short so young? When she knew he was scared and didn't know how to get out of his life. She tried her hardest in the days after hearing of Ian's death to make sense of it.

The times she sat and laid in her hospital bed was spent mediating, trying to connect to it. Trying to connect to him spiritually, if she was telling the truth. When she finally, fully felt and understood he was gone she cried and cried. Her heart hurt, broken into a million pieces, shattering along with her sense of reality. He was gone and he wasn't going to come back.

And it seemed she was the only one who truly cared. His mother came to visit her in the hospital, to let her know how much she appreciated Trini's help in trying to listen and help Ian.

"He told you about that?" Trini asked quietly.

Ms. Hernandez nodded. She reached out and patted Trini's hand, grasping it firmly between hers. Her hold was firm, yet gentle. The way only mothers seemed able to do. "He spoke about you often. He said you were someone who was making school bearable for him, but that you were pushing him as well. He was getting better. His grades were improving, he was happier than he had been. But I knew he was still in trouble. Every time he left the house he would stop to tell me he was proud of me and that he loved me. In case he'd never be able to do it again. I saw the fear in his face every time he left the house. He tried to hide it, so I wouldn't worry, but I saw it."

"Ms. Hernandez, I'm so…" Trini couldn't finish. Her throat closed, a thick lump keeping her from speaking. Tears dripped down her face one by one until she leaned over and sobbed. She cried over Ian's life, cried over what he would never experience. She cried because she felt all her work was for nothing. It was selfish, she knew, life could be selfish that way.

But she tried and she tried hard to help him.

She had taken one look at Ian when he walked into the room the first day. She knew she had to help him. She had been talking to Marge, probably about the upcoming dance, when she spotted movement in the doorway and looked up. Ian hesitated, leaning over as he glanced around the room that was used for their program. He chewed his lower lip, tapped his fingers on his backpack strap, shuffled his feet.

Trini pushed back from her seat and walked over to him. "Hi," She said brightly. "Can I help you?"

Ian's eyes flicked to her face then bounced around the room once more. A locker was slammed in the hallway, making him jump. "Um." He took a breath. "I was hoping I could…um, talk to someone."

"Well, you're in the right." Trini picked up a clipboard that sat on a table next to her and a pen. "Can you tell me what you want to talk about? If it's really personal we can slowly get into it."

"I, uh, I think I'm in trouble. And I don't know what to do."

"Okay. What sort of trouble? Bullies? School work?"

"Um, the first one. Bullies." Ian took a step back and said something under his breath in Spanish. He looked over his shoulder then turned to face her again, fingers fluttering on his backpack strap. Trini couldn't help but notice his nerves. "Sort of."

"When you talk about your problem do you respond better to silence or a full conversation."

"Uh, a conversation, I guess?"

"What grade are you in?"

"I'm a freshman. I just transferred here."

"Okay, one more thing." Trini clutched the clipboard to her chest. Ian's eyes widened as the seconds passed and the two waited in silence. With a light giggle, Trini decided to give him a break. "What's your name?"

"Oh!" Ian smiled for the first time. A dazzling smile. "My name's Ian Hernandez."

"Nice to meet you, Ian. I'm Trini."

That wasn't the hardest part. No, the hardest, most heartbreakingly disastrous part was the reaction to Ian's death. Many people celebrated, not understanding he was a victim of what happened as well. He hadn't killed anyone but himself, and while he hadn't and others were injured, he was and always would be a victim. A victim of a life that was systematically created for him to fail. He was afraid of dying when being placed in the gang but had been terrified of life within it as well.

He was as much of a victim as everyone else but the media and other students labeled him a psychotic freak who finally snapped.

He wasn't like that.

Even when she had been released from the hospital, months later, she knew things were different. People looked at her differently, they whispered behind her back. She was the one who tried to help him. She must've known what had been going on. Why didn't she say anything? She could've stopped them?

And her friends got it, too. If they knew she was talking to him, why didn't they help? Why didn't they say something? But the hardest part of all, was the accusations that the Power Rangers didn't do anything to help them. They had the time to save as the city from monsters but didn't want to go in and help a bunch of teenagers who were being shot at, targeted for murder.

The rangers had all gathered in the Command Center in the few days after Trini's release from the hospital. They had been in contact since Billy was able to retrieve the morphers and communicators from his locker. When he gave her communicator to her, Billy couldn't look her in the eye. He was so ashamed. It was his idea to work on them while Zordon and Alpha were during their recharge, it was his idea to keep them into his locker to use later. And it came back to bite them in the ass when they really needed it.

Trini would never blame him for it. He had enough blame for himself, sure, but to have the rest of the city to turn on them as well made him more depressed than being confined to a wheelchair until the doctor cleared him. They were all depressed. Avalon was angry that she couldn't see gang tactics in another student when she herself had gone through it. Jason was angry because there wasn't anything he could've done to help the situation any more than he already had. Billy was angry that he kept the morphers and communicators. Zack was angry that he didn't try to stop Ian when he had their class hostage. Tommy was angry at himself for his selfishness. Hindsight was 20/20 and he felt he should've tried to get more students out of the school and to safety instead of just looking for Kimberly. Kimberly was just angry; how no one saw how hurt Ian was, how she couldn't stop him from shooting himself, how she reacted with so much fear when he held them hostage.

"We've been against scarier monsters and I couldn't do anything," Kimberly said.

"Human have the opportunity to be even scarier than monsters," Billy reminded her. Hands resting on the wheels of his wheelchair, he gently rocked himself back and forth, like nervous pacing. "That's something I think we forget."

"We fight these guys to save the city because they're the biggest threat to everyone here," Tommy said slowly. "It's easy to forget."

"We live in a fantasy," Trini said. Jason, who stood beside her, holding his hand, glanced at her. "We started out being rangers because we thought it'd be cool. I know, at least, I did. Being a superhero, who wouldn't want that? But sometimes, we forget that we're still human."

"Humans can be some of the most horrifying monsters you'd never expect," Avalon agreed. She reached up, pressing her finger to the scar on the right side of her face. It extended from her jaw up to the apple of her cheek. She had told them once—and only once—how she had gotten it from getting on the bad side of one of her fellow gang members. "Because they hide in plain sight and can hide their worst flaws until they need to show them."

"Ay yi yi, rangers, don't be so hard on yourselves," Alpha said. "You did everything you could."

"Did we?" Jason asked. "There were more things we could've done."

"Rangers," Zordon's voice boomed above them, grabbing their attention. "I understand the pain you're going through. There will always be setbacks to what you come up against as rangers and in your personal lives. I am proud to have you working with us."

"But Zordon, if we could morph… "Zack started.

Zordon cut him off. "Your inability to morph doesn't hinder your gut instincts to help those around you. To make decisions to keep them as safe as possible."

"But what does that mean when we couldn't save him?" Kimberly asked. She had taken it hard. For a girl who was always so bright and bubbly, she wore no makeup and mumbled. Trini was sure she wasn't sleeping well, was still playing it to in her head time and time again.

"You're not going to be able to save everyone," Alpha reminded them. "Zordon and I have been working together for a long time and we've lost a lot of friends and family over the years. It's hard, but it's something we've grown used to."

"We've never lost someone like this before," Trini said. "In our real, personal lives." That was the hardest divide they made in their lives. If things bled over, it'd be too hard to differentiate between the two. It'd be harder to keep their family safe. Their lives were split in half; their personal lives with their families and friends and schoolwork and their ranger lives with their constant fight against Rita and Zedd.

They've lost people when working as rangers but as themselves…? It was too hard to bear.

"What are we supposed to do?" Avalon asked. "The city bloody hates us because we couldn't morph."

"You have to continue to hold faith that the believe in you," Zordon said. "To protect and serve this city in the way you have over the last couple of years. We're proud of everything you all have accomplished and you should be proud of yourselves."

"Zordon and I already always here if you need any guidance," Alpha added.

"Thanks, Alpha," Tommy said.

But Trini wasn't sure if that was all they needed to do. Having trust in people and earning their trust was fundamental for relationships. And relationships with others helped people grow. If their relationship with the public was broken what did that mean for how they'd move forward?

Once Trini could walk without the aid of crutches she decided. At first Jason, who continued to stay by her side, couldn't really understand the reasoning behind it. But she knew he'd turn around. All of them did. So, she led the way, holding tightly onto Jason's hand, across the cemetery to Ian's gravestone. It continued to be vandalized with terrible words of blame, headstone knocked over, grass ripped up. And every time Trini went back to fix it up.

This time, they were going to pay their respects.

Trini lowered a bouquet of a rainbow of flowers onto the grass of Ian's tombstone and stood back amongst her friends, blending in with their black clothes. They hadn't attended the funeral before, Ms. Hernandez made it quick and for family only. She was upset about that.

I'm making up for it now, Trini said. She closed her eyes as a gentle breeze blew around them. Whatever it is you need to tell me, Ian, I'm listening.

They had been powerless to stop what had gone on that day at school.

She had been powerless to help him from the beginning, everything was bigger than them.

They were powerless to keep their city safe for once. The only time. They'll do better. They had to.

Trini felt the wind die down, the last few seconds caressing the side of her face. She smiled.

Things were going to be okay, if it took time for them to move on.

THE END

A/N: Thank you guys, so much for the support you gave me on this story. It was fun to write as I haven't done a lot stories that focused on the rangers' lives as normal humans rather than their powers and fight against Rita and Zedd.

I do have other stories planned for this series (yes Powerless is now turning into a series); with one story focusing on each ranger. I have ideas for Kim, Billy, Trini, and Avalon but nothing for Jason, Zack, or Tommy so far. I'm either going to do Kim's or Billy's next (Billy's being a finish/re-write of In Too Deep). So, let me know what you think, and thanks again!

~Av