Hi hi everyone. Didn't think I would write a fic for YOI. Before reading, there are TRIGGERS in this. Mentions of bullying, assault ( both physical and sexual). It's not very hard to miss in this. Yuri is older in this fic.

Otabek once asked Yuri why he had eyes of a solider. Yuri didn't have a response so he made up a lie and said something like, "You have to be tough to win. I guess that's why."

Otabek hugged the Russian and told him to sleep on a real answer which Yuri did. Or at least tried to. He wasn't asleep long but it was enough for him to wake and find Otabek still asleep, suffocating one of his cat teddies.

Yuri ran his hand through Otabek's hair and was amazed how warm it was. The cars in the street below filled the silence of the flat. The small room was lit with the shine of the street lights outside. As Yuri tried to get up he was grabbed by his sides by Otabek. It was almost as if Otabek was trying to make Yuri feel guilty for him trying to leave while he was still asleep. Yuri adjusted Otabek's hands and replaced a couch pillow for his own form.

"Big baby," Yuri quietly grumbled as he got up up from the couch.

Yuri walked to the adjoining kitchen and looked out the window. The lights of St. Petersburg lights danced across the cloudy night sky and lit up Yuri's pale face with a slight orange glow. As he looked away his heart felt heavy.

"I have to tell him, don't I?" Yuri thought to himself. Yuri knew he didn't have to confidence to talk to Otabek out load about this so he figured writing his thoughts out on paper was the next best option. Potya, his cat, walked into the room and rubbed against his legs.

"Be quiet, don't wake him up," Yuri spoke in hushed tones to the cat. The cat purred loudly in response, her big eyes peering up at Yuri. "I'd kill you if I didn't love you so much."

Yuri motioned for the cat to follow him into the bedroom but the cat beat him there, jumping onto the bed. Yuri flung the pillows from the bed towards the window finding a small notebook under the last one. He then dragged the quilt from the bed and onto the pile of pillows. Potya was nearly flung off the bed with the sudden movement and howled.

"Potya. I didn't see you, sorry" he quietly apologized as he sat down.

Yuri reached up and opened the window above letting in a light breeze into the dim room. Yuri breathes in the crisp night air of early spring. He put the pen to the paper yet paused, taking a moment to compose his thoughts before continuing, writing down his most precious thoughts.

Otabek,

I'm too chicken to talk face to face, out loud about myself. What I am about to tell you, I don't talk about it to people. I just can't. However, something is pushing me to tell you. I trust you and I am trusting you with this. Please, tell no one about what you read. I can only describe it as that I grew up too fast. I mean, I wanted to grow up but soon found out that I wasn't ready for the world. I once tried to run away to get some freedom. For once my life, my head felt….. clearer. They obviously found me and were amazed that I didn't freeze to death. I could tell afterwards that people were judging for it though. People at the rink kept asking why I ran, why I did it. I didn't have an answer so I just yelled at them that it happened and to forget about it.

I never felt my life was my own unless I was on ice. When I'm on the ice I remember that night, my head calm, clear and peaceful once again. Maybe it was just the calm before the storm. During that calm I kept feeling like I was forgetting something, or that something was just there in the back of my mind. I wish I never remembered but it's too late now.

I can't write this Beka, please, force me to tell you. Rip it out of me if you have to. I'm stuck. This will ruin me if it comes out, yet kill me if I keep it bottled up for much longer. I once told someone before only to be called me a liar. That placed in me a fear of trusting people. It fucked me up. God, now I'm sounding worse than Yuuri.

It was difficult. Grandpa couldn't always bring me to the rink or dance class. There was never enough room in the small flat we lived. My mother didn't like me dancing in the flat so I danced in the school yard in secret. Soon I was found and called names like fairy, but not the good kind. Angered from their teasing and jeers, I would beat them up only to get in trouble with the teacher. They told me I would end up to be no good or in jail. My father didn't take this so well. Afterwards, I "fell" down the stairs at my Grandpa's house. He'd ask why should I keep skating, it's obvious I'm no good at it good. This outburst made me feel guilty for having my fun outside the house.

I started sneaking out at night to go to the rink to practice since I couldn't during the day. Sometimes Viktor would joined me if he was in the city, especially in my last year as a junior. He is an idiot and realized how late we skated or how I always walked home alone. I swear that Katsudon is his common sense.

When I finally saved up enough money I didn't think twice about coming to this city. Yakov didn't care, he was just happy that I was closer to Lilia if I needed to be. Yakov is actually a big fucking softie, just don't go tell him I said that. It was that, finally, I slept properly and was able to close my eyes. Yet, the ice is the only place I could totally forget. The ice is my anchor.

With all this I…

Yuri noticed a few wet spots hitting the page and wiped his few stray tears. He noticed the light outside getting brighter and heard the seagulls starting to squawk, announcing the morning and reminding him of Hasetsu.

With all of this though, it's not my demon. I never had a childhood. I'm damaged and I just can't forget that anymore.

Yuri stopped and petted the cat that was begging for attention. He set down the notebook leaving it half open. He picked the needy cat up and snuggled with it, falling asleep soon after.

When Yuri awoke again, he was surprised to find himself in his bed wrapped up in the blankets from the floor. Yuri slowly sat up to see Otabek reading the notebook previously abandoned on the floor.

"Beka?"

Otabek's whipped his head around to face Yuri, the question already in his eyes, "How many people know everything?"

"Just you." Yuri replied as he quickly looked down at his hands, unable to look Otabek in the eyes. Yuri heard Otabek slowly get up, felt the bed dip as he sat down beside him and saw him reaching for his hands, yet he quickly swatted them away.

"Yura, don't, please, I'm here. Let me be here for you. You can talk about anything you need to with me. You said I would have force it out of you, but I'm scared if I do that I will hurt you. I don't want to hurt you." Otabek paused trying to think of how to continue. "Did he hurt you other than that time on the stairs?" Otabek was surprised at his question being quickly cut off Yuri laughter.

"Hurt me? He didn't hurt me. He fucking scarred me for life Beka!" Yuri grabbed on to Otabek's shirt and buried his head in his boyfriend's chest desperate to find some comfort as he continued. "He fucking assaulted me. He just kept touching me in placed I didn't want to be touched. I told him to stop. Not like he would listen. What kind of monster does that to their own child? A thirteen year old child? Why Beka? Why me? I don't understand" Yuri yelled as his voice broke with tears.

"Yura." Otabek started as he lifted Yuri's head with both hands slowly, forcing him to look at him. "I care about you. I'm not going to hurt or neglect or neglect you or abandon you. You are stuck with me until the day I die." Otabek said firmly making sure he maintained eye contact with Yuri. He slowly brought Yuri's still shaking hands to his lips and kissed them gently

Yuri stared at Otabek with wide eyes and hugged him. Otabek slowly rubbed Yuri's back as his harsh breathing trying to contain his tears filled the room.