A/N: Um, wow. Was sooo not expecting this to be as well-received as it was. Thanks, guys. Anyway, I don't bash characters (anymore, that is... despite what some of my older, more cringe-worthy stories might suggest. sigh). I believe in good, wholesome character development, even for assholes. Characters like Umbridge and Danzō cut it really, really close, but I still try to make an effort. I'm shite at writing angst these days and find it draining at best, so any angst you find in this story will either be canon (because 5th year Harry was the Angst King and also Naruto always manages to pack a surprising punch in that department) or somewhat logical (start of a wizarding war, and Team 7 are technically just getting over the Fourth Shinobi War). Also, don't hate for the upcoming bastardisation of a Japanese name. If Pokémon can do it for Mew… Well. Enjoy.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sasuke had a little voice that liked to scream at him from time to time. Now, over the years — having made as many poor choices as he had — he'd grown quite adept at ignoring the little voice and its words of wisdom. So while this voice was screaming at him to take a minute to think things through, Sasuke was telling it to shut the fuck up while he planned Naruto's demise. He liked to call the voice Kabutwo. They were about as annoying as each other.

Wait, wait, wait — the ugly pink woman was saying something. Progress for the sake of progress… Prohibited… Good friends? That's likely. The redheaded twins — Fred and George? — echoed his sentiments aloud. Well. Perhaps the wizarding world wasn't entirely beyond hope. Kami, but that government lady looked like one of Naruto's toads.

And then the talking was more or less done with, and Sasuke tried not to look too surprised when the plates in front of him were suddenly filled with food. Naturally, he hadn't ever eaten anything remotely similar to this cuisine before. It all looked rather… heavy. Oh, rice, good. Maybe just a bowl of rice wasn't the most nutritional, but he'd rather not be ill after what was already a clusterfuck of a first day.

"Um, Sasuke, wasn't it?"

Oh, right. The children. He was going to have to be… social. Delightful. Sasuke forced a polite expression onto his face, made somewhat easier by the knowledge that later, at some point, he was going to beat the shit out of Naruto after finding out what the hell he was playing at. Ah. The girl from the train; Hermione Granger? "Yeah." He'd spent the majority of his early teen years shutting himself away from other people, and then he'd had no one but Kabuto and Orochimaru for company. So maybe his people skills needed some work — but fuck, that's what Naruto and Sakura were there for; he never had to bother before.

(He had a sudden, sneaking suspicion that perhaps this had been the Hokage's plan all alone, to get him re-acquainted with how people outside a shinobi lifestyle worked. It could have been his considerable paranoia, even though Kabutwo told him that he might actually have been onto something. But then he remembered that it was Tsunade Senju, who really didn't like him, and decided that he really was just being paranoid because it was much more probable that she did this out of spite, and also to keep Naruto and him from causing any damage while the village finished rebuilding and recovering.)

"I know we met on the train, but it's nice to officially meet you," said Granger with a smile.

Right. Yes. Nice. Sasuke smiled and hoped he didn't look ill.

"This is Neville," she said, and a nervous looking boy with a rather ugly plant on his lap smiled shyly at him. "This is Ron Weasley," she nodded at the redhead from the train who was just about to shove a fork full of pie in his mouth, but paused at the introduction and flushed red slightly.

"Uh, yeah. Um, sorry about… you know…" Weasley trailed off, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

So, just to be a bastard, Sasuke lifted the stump of his left arm — which had beforehand been rather unnoticeable beneath the heavy material of the cloak — and raised an eyebrow.

The boy flushed further, but to his credit didn't further put his foot in his mouth. Impressive. Sasuke had been expecting worse.

"Yeah, uh, sorry," he muttered one last time before giving in and surrendering himself to his pie.

Granger cleared her throat, "And this is Harry."

He didn't miss the omission of a family name. Sasuke kept his face smooth of any outward reaction to the name of their target — the subject their client tasked them with protecting — and turned his gaze onto the dark haired, sullen looking teen. Huh. He almost had brooding down to Sasuke's level; but of course Sasuke was the undefeated master of brooding — reflecting, as he liked to call it.

The boy met his stare with his own, with an almost expectant resignation written across his face. Sasuke recognised that look: he himself had worn it often enough after the massacre, knowing that anyone he spoke to in Konoha would look at him and see something they already knew as nothing more than another tragedy. It got pretty old pretty fast. Sasuke knew about Harry Potter, of course. It was critical information they couldn't afford to not know. Everyone and their dog thought Potter was a raving lunatic, because their parents said so, the news said so, the government said so. It was a good thing Sasuke learnt from experience that sometimes, being wary of hidden government regimes was for the best (ideally, less people would die that way). And one that hired that simpering pink oaf to teach in a school? Fuck the government.

Polite. He could remember polite from his mother's teachings, right? "Nice to meet you," he said, dipping his head. Nice one, Sasuke. Strong performance so far, 10/10.

"Gotta admit," said Fred, whose chakra signature was a bit more refined than his brother's.

"Wasn't expecting your mate to end up in Slytherin," said George, with the slightly wilder chakra.

Sasuke didn't grimace, but he came close. Yeah. Naruto. The living, breathing disaster who seemed busy chatting away to a few entirely bemused looking Slytherins. "It was definitely a surprise." He starts thinking homicidal thoughts again, and Kabotwo begins shrieking once more. Right, right. Murder bad, or whatever.

"You mean your blonde friend — Naruto, was it?" inquired Granger.

Oh, was he going to have to attempt a full conversation? "Yeah. We thought I'd be in that house and he'd be in Gryffindor," he said, very much trying not to sound sour. Were he over at Slytherin, as he should have been, he probably wouldn't have to make conversation. He could just eat silently and scope out the enemy.

Weasley raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Why would you want to be in Slytherin?"

Just when Sasuke thought he might be tolerable. He suppressed a sigh, and said, "Just thought I was best suited to that house."

He huffed. "Yeah, well, trust me — it's for the best that you're not."

"Ronald!" hissed Hermione, and Sasuke was beginning to get the idea that a great deal of her time was spent scolding the boy. "Didn't you listen to the hat's song? We're supposed to be thinking of unity!"

People actually listened to the hat? It really, what, sprouted words of wisdom via a jaunty tune? It was going to be a long year.

Weasley scoffed. "How likely is it that we'll be getting chummy with the Slytherins anytime soon?"

With a huff, Granger stabbed a green bean with her fork. "Very likely, actually."

People around her, Sasuke included, stared in confusion. (Sasuke liked to think he looked at least a little more dignified about it though.)

"Um, what?" asked Potter, voicing the collecting bemusement.

Hermione smiled, and it was just a little bit smug. "You're forgetting that Naruto's in Slytherin, and he's already friends with Sasuke and, uh, Sakura, was it?" she paused, looking to Sasuke for confirmation which he didn't provide, but she steamrolled on anyway, "Yes, Sakura. So you see, there's already inter-house unity. It just needs to catch on, is all."

And the most horrifying thing was that Sasuke could actually see it happening. Kami, he could picture it: Naruto infecting the surly Slytherins with his rainbows-and-sunshine personality; by the end of the week they would be sat at their tables, smiling at one another for no reason; by the end of the term they would already be branching out to talk to the other houses, and with Naruto at their front they would obliterate any stereotypes of Dark witches and wizards or evil families; by the end of the year this Voldemort himself would be infected and world peace announced, with Naruto as supreme and benevolent Kage, he and Sakura at his side. Wait, no, no— Sasuke forcibly made himself forget all of that terrifying scenario. Much better.

Still; Naruto and the power of friendship were a force to be reckoned with. Sasuke had firsthand experience with that.

"Sasuke? Don't you agree?" Granger turned to him with a bright smile.

"Yes," said Sasuke, grateful it didn't come out as weak as he felt. "Knowing Naruto, it's incredibly likely."

And if the others looked at each other doubtfully, well fuck them. They hadn't had the moron chase them across countries before finally meeting in a landscape-changing battle that ended with limbs lost from both parties. Their opinions were entirely invalid when it came to Naruto.

Conveniently, his bed was beside Potter's. Unnecessary, perhaps, but it provided maximum protection. He idly drew his belongings from his pack, quickly tucking a few weapons scrolls under the mattress and a couple more under the dresser. He kept one ear on the tense conversation around him, and readied himself to intervene as tempers started rising.

As soon as Potter made a jab at some boy's mother, Sasuke knew it was time.

"Don't you dare have a go at my mother!" yelled the boy, face growing red as he balled his hands into fists.

Potter grabbed his wand up from the dresser. "I'll have a go at anyone who calls me a liar!" And he brought his wand up — to have his wrist caught by Sasuke.

"That's quite enough of that," he said, barely even wavering when Potter began to tug at his hand.

"Get off!" he demanded, and his other hand balled up as if wanting to his him.

Please make my day. He knew that, really, that was an altogether terrible idea and Sakura would beat him to within an inch of his life if he attempted any sort of violence against a civilian, and that Naruto would look all sad and pathetic like a kicked puppy, and if it got back to Kakashi or Tsunade he may as well walk around with a sign that read Dead-Man Walking.

"Are you ready to quit acting like idiots?" he retorted, shooting an irritated glower at the other boy.

"What's going on?" Oh, wonderful, Weasley had returned. He stared first at Potter's wand, and then at Sasuke who was gripping Potter's wrist, and then at Potter's red face, and then across to the other angry boy.

"He's having a go at my mother!" yelled the other boy.

Weasley looked surprised, and skeptical. "What? There's got to be a mistake, Harry wouldn't—"

"If your mother didn't believe every word the bloody Daily Prophet had to say about me, I wouldn't be having a go!" yelled Potter, tugging at his arm once more. He turned to Sasuke with a scowl. "Look, I get that you're new here and you don't know what's going on, but if you don't let me go I'll hex you."

Sasuke stared back. That probably would have been more threatening had Sasuke not literally come out of a hell-war less than six months ago. "Yes, I'm new here, but — shockingly — I do know what's going on. But that doesn't change the fact that you're all acting like fools and you haven't even been here for a full day yet." This would have been a wonderful time for Naruto to be in Gryffindor. All he'd have to do was headbutt Potter, headbutt the other kid, give them some inspirational, crushingly shame-inducing, uncomfortably guilt-tripping speech, and send them on their merry ways. The next day they'd be holding hands and enthusiastically exchanging letters with the Kazekage about the wonderfulness that was Uzumaki Naruto.

(Not that Sabaku no Gaara was the type to enthusiastically exchange letters with anyone, but Sasuke had a bet with himself that he thanked Naruto every night before going to bed for making him into less of a soulless, homicidal, terrifying brat. Naruto had that affect, annoyingly.)

(That wasn't to say that Sasuke silently thanked Naruto every night for beating sense into him. Not in the least. Definitely not. He would have ended up just fine without the dobe's influence. Really.)

"You know what?" said the other boy, who clearly didn't know when to just stop and give it a rest. "I don't want to share a dorm with him anymore — he's barking mad!"

Weasley's face grew red, and Sasuke only had one arm, for Kami's sake, how was he supposed to stop three idiots from doing something stupid without causing bodily harm or using chakra?

"That's out of order, Seamus," said Weasley.

The boy, Seamus, looked like he would rather not be picking a fight against two, possibly three, boys in the middle of the dormitory, but nevertheless said, "Out of order, am I? You believe all the rubbish he's come out with about You-Know-Who? Reckon he's telling the truth?"

You-Know-Who? Sasuke had to bite down on his tongue so as not to laugh. You-Know-Who. And what if someone didn't know, hm? What then? Sasuke was sorely tempted to play the part of the innocently confused foreigner, then reminded himself that he was not Naruto and that he had better things to do with his time. Like stopping this before—

"Yeah, I do!" Weasley stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Then you're mad too—"

"Oi, I said that's enough," Sasuke cut in firmly.

"He's right," said the otherwise quiet, awkward looking boy from beside his bed. "We shouldn't be arguing about this. I believe Harry, my gran believes Harry— No, Seamus, my gran says it's not Dumbledore that's going downhill, it's the Prophet. We cancelled our subscription and everything. She always said You-Know-Who would come back one day. She says if Dumbledore says he's back, then he's back."

There was a long silence. Sasuke glanced at Potter and found him to be suitably calm, and released his wrist.

Potter eyed him warily as he placed his wand down on his dresser. "And what about you?"

Sasuke busied himself with setting out his uniform for the next day. "What about me?"

"What do you believe?"

He huffed a laugh. What a dumb question. "I believe there's no such thing as being over-prepared."

Misadventures of a Jinchuuriki: I

Naruto knew Sasuke was gonna be pissed, but he smiled and waved and pretended he couldn't feel a blazing Rinnegan glaring a hole into his head from across the hall. But, hey, the bastard was the one who decided they needed someone in Slytherin — and, of course, who was Naruto to object to such a brilliant plan? Well. Everything would be fine as long as he kept an eye out for stray kunai mysteriously heading in the direction of his face.

Really though, he didn't understand what everyones' problem was with Slytherin. Sure, they were kind of quiet and surly in a Hyuuga-esque sort of way, but that was fine. Nothing he couldn't turn around, given some time! Soon enough they'd be having just as much fun as everyone else.

He tuned out the boring pink lady, but did notice that several people at his table looked interested in what she was saying. Oh well, he'd just have to ask Sakura about it later. When the teachers finally stopped talking, the table filled with food— And Naruto mourned the lack of ramen. He was really going to have to fix this place up some; stuffy people, and boring food? Unacceptable.

"So, you're one of the new exchange students," said one of the students, and Naruto looked up from the unusual foods at the pale blonde who had spoken. Huh, eyes that pale and hair that colour — he almost had the colouring of a Yamanaka.

Naruto grinned. "Yep! Naruto Uzumaki!" It was odd, still, to introduce himself with his given name first — the translation jutsu was good, but he still had to get his words in the right order in some places.

The boy gave him a once over, and Naruto recognised the assessing look for what it was; he'd received that look on the battlefield and in Konoha regularly from those who thought he was less than he was. It didn't matter. Naruto knew his worth.

"Uzumaki; I can't say I've ever heard of that family…" the boy trailed off, lip curling.

Blood supremacy. Elitism. That's what their briefing had warned them about when it came to Slytherin House. Were he Sasuke, equipped with knowledge of clan politics and an outwardly cool demeanour (no matter how much of a fucking basket-case he truly was on the inside), Naruto might know how to handle this situation. As it was, Naruto's only real experience with nobles stubbornly set in their ways was to hit them real hard repeatedly until they realised how dumb they were being.

As it was, Naruto really didn't think Baa-chan would approve of his usual methods.

Their cover was that they were from a small, secreted magical community in Japan, with rather different ways of using magic than the rest of the Japanese wizarding world. If ever the topic of family relations came up, they were told to use their imagination; Kakashi had advised sticking as close to the truth as possible without actually telling them the truth. Now, Naruto might not have been a great liar, but sweet Kami could he talk. So, Naruto told the truth. "Well, that's probably because the Uzumaki are mostly all dead."

The boy looked surprised, and interested. "Oh? Terribly tragic, but how could an entire family be wiped out? Surely they used their magic to defend themselves?"

Magic. It all came down to the magic. Naruto scratched the back of his head, recalling what he could about the fate of the Uzumaki. "They were pretty much wiped out in an ambush years ago. A bunch of people wanted them dead because of their skills; I don't know much about it, but whoever was left scattered and dropped the name for their own safety I guess."

Uzumaki were easy to talk about; Namikaze, on the other hand… Naruto really didn't know much about his dad's family.

His explanation, apparently, was satisfying; the boy extended a hand across the table. "Draco Malfoy.

Naruto's grin broadened into the kind that always managed to get even Sasuke smiling back, and he reached out to shake the offered hand. He caught the slight hesitation in the boy when his robes pulled back to reveal his bandages; Naruto grasped Draco's hand anyway, letting him know that he wasn't injured. Really, he didn't even need the bandages… they were only there because the Senju-cell arm beneath was kinda gross looking.

The dark-haired girl sat beside Draco gasped rather dramatically at the sight of his arm, however, and leant in a bit closer. "Merlin, what happened to your arm? You aren't injured, are you? I'm Pansy, by the way."

Merlin…? Naruto shrugged that off as a wizarding quirk — they had quite a few, he'd noticed. "Nah, it's fine, I did it ages ago," he said, hoping he sounded convincing enough. In a way, it did feel like practically a lifetime ago, if only because he and Sasuke very nearly — maybe even did, for a little while — kill each other. Whatever. That was just if you wanted to be picky about the details.

"But what happened?" she pressed.

Naruto tried not to squirm under the sudden attention, feeling rather like the Snake Sannin had him pinned under that creepy stare of his. "Uh… It was an accident?" Sort of. He hadn't actually planned to get his arm blown off, but again. Details. "But, uh, hey, tell me a bit about the school. You, um, have loads of teachers, so tell me about them!" He blindsided them with his best smile.

"That was the weakest attempt at a topic change I've ever seen," Kurama deadpanned.

Naruto didn't let his smile dim as the students around him started talking about their teachers, but he did make sure to give the Kyuubi the mental equivalent of the finger.

"I can't believe they put them in the dungeons," Naruto said to Kurama as he unpacked his belongings. His bed was at the end, beside a boy who introduced himself as Blaise Zabini. The others in the room were Theodore Nott, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle and Draco. Naruto thought they were all too serious for their own goods, but then he supposed there was a war going on.

"As if it's much different from your mindscape?" Kurama retorted.

Naruto prodded the seal on his stomach, pouting slightly. He heard the great furry freeloader grumble out a laugh, then felt him settle in for a nap.

"So, Uzumaki, if you don't mind me asking," began Draco, lounging on his bed while some fancy jutsu — spell, Naruto corrected himself — put his belongings away for him. "Are you the head of your house, then?"

Head of his…? Oh. Well, he supposed with Nagato dead, and near enough every other Uzumaki having taken another name… Really, it was just him and Karin. "Well, yeah, I guess."

Draco hmm'd, looking rather pleased at something.

"Now, Draco, don't suffocate him. He's new after all," said Theodore with a particularly I'm-from-a-noble-clan-this-is-how-I-always-smile-fuck-you sort of smile. "Probably doesn't know all that much about how things work over here."

Naruto tried very hard not to be insulted. He was used to being called stupid, and — okay — that wasn't entirely wrong, but fuck if he didn't try his damned hardest. So Naruto took great pleasure in actually knowing something right off the bat for once, and that was knowing that Draco and Theodore were trying to gauge his reaction about anything related to… to that guy… Crap, Naruto forgot his name… Fuck what the fuck was it… Vol… Voldy…

Anything related to Voldydude.

(He was trying his best but that damned hat put him in the wrong damn house okay.)

Anyway. Naruto knew what they were doing, and he decided he'd play 'What would Kakashi-sensei do?' and play dumb.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, pausing in his half-assed attempt at folding his clothes away. Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto thought he saw Blaise roll his eyes.

"No, we don't expect you to understand the workings of the British wizarding community, but if you are a House Head then perhaps we should let you know how things work," Draco said, sounding like he thought he was doing Naruto a favour as he swung his legs over the side of his bed to stand. He strolled rather leisurely to the centre of the room, hands in his pockets, and Naruto wondered if maybe Draco thought it looked cool, when really Naruto was somewhat reminded of all the monologuing villains he'd fought over the years. Yikes. That was something Naruto was going to have to work on with the Slytherins it seemed.

Naruto waited for the inevitable continuation of what was sure to be the start of a long, droning lecture on noble intentions, the betterment of the world, and other justifications of puppy-kicking and/or other known formats of Being A Dick™. Sure enough, Draco took in a deep breath, and Naruto leant against a bedpost to listen.

"We Noble and Ancient Houses take great pride in the purity of our bloodlines, and the house of Slytherin, named after the greatest wizard ever to have lived, is where the elite of the wizarding world learns magic. There are those unfortunate few whose bloodlines have been weakened—" insert obligatory dismayed shake of head "—through the fraternising of wizard and muggle kind. As you must already know, this has led to the diluting of magical power, as well as lower intelligence in mudblood children. However it may work in Japan, here we—"

"That's kind of dumb, don't you think?" Naruto said, and fuck if Sasuke wasn't going to try and remove the other arm for this. But there was something about that word, mudblood, that didn't sit right with Naruto at all.

Draco looked flummoxed at the interruption, and then as though someone had shoved something gross-smelling under his nose, and then finally he raised an eyebrow just a bit too delicate looking to not have been groomed.

The room fell into a tense silence, and Naruto folded his arms across his chest. "Well, you don't really believe that just because someone doesn't have magic parents, they're — what — dumb or something, do you? That doesn't even make sense."

"Actually, there are multiple cases where—"

"My friend Sakura — her parents are ci—" fuck no not civilians "—muggles, and she's a genius. No, really!" he insisted when he saw Theodore open his mouth to comment. "She's super clever — knows tons of stuff about po—" shit fuck not poisons "-tions and she's saved my life more than once. She's one of the best medics around where I come from." He scowled at their skeptical expressions. "She could take almost anyone I know in a fight, too."

Draco scoffed. "Muggle brawling? How brutish." Even as he said this, Vincent and Gregory squared up behind him, cracking their knuckles in what Naruto guessed was supposed to be an intimidating way. Maybe if they were taller, creepier, with ten tails and the firepower to level a continent. And even then, that only a very small maybe.

Naruto shrugged. Civilians nearly always thought the shinobi life was brutish, thuggish, mercenary. It got old after a while, but it was their way of thinking, he supposed. "Sure, but that shit can save your life."

Briefly, very briefly, Naruto saw intrigue on Draco's face as he glanced down at his bandaged arm. Right. Slytherins. Clever.

And then Draco was back to his haughty attitude. "Well, no matter how things work over in Japan, here we respect tradition, and a Slytherin expectation is to uphold that tradition."

Naruto grinned, saying, "No problem!" and thought to himself, Fuck that fuck this and fuck you. Operation Super Friendship Problem Solving is go!