Whiskey Through My Veins

Chapter 4

This is the last part of this story and, I have to warn you, it does not have a happy ending. It contains detailed description of a rape and the emotional turmoil and despair that follows.

Thank you for all the reviews I've received. It truly mean a lot to me.

Amanda laid on her back in Liv's bed, staring at the ceiling, hands clasped together and resting on her stomach while thoughts were running wildly through her head. Everything around her seemed to disappear for a while, as if she was enclosed and confined in her own little bubble. Two weeks had passed since they got back from Atlanta, all her injuries had healed, just a slight ache now and then but her emotional state was deteriorating.

The man who had raped her, Greg, was now in prison due to a DNA match from Amanda's rape kit. The man had been foolish enough to rape an NYPD detective even though he knew that his name was in the system for another rape, seven years prior. Having one of the perps locked up behind bars didn't do much for Amanda. She was relieved, yes, but her mind couldn't stop from drifting to Patton and his snarling face and his rough hands groping at her most intimate parts. He consumed her, day and night by always being there, lurking in the dark, behind every corner, in every shadow and every dream.

Greg had confessed to his crime but claiming that Deputy Chief Charles Patton had hired him to do it and that he wanted a deal. Of course, being the charming and respected man, that everyone thought he was, the claim was dropped against him and, again, he would get away with raping Amanda.

They had nothing on him and Amanda blaimed herself for it, thinking that it was her fault for not seeking medical attention and for not having a rape kit done the first time it had happened. If she had, then they would at least have one piece of evidence to go on, one bit of proof that something had happened. She felt stupid, worthless and alone. So alone.

Staying with Liv had turned out to be a really good thing. She was hardly ever on her own, since the brunette had taken some time off, much to Amanda's stern objection and she did her best to keep the blonde occupied. However, a delicate child abuse case required the brunette's presence and attention, and Amanda had been left to her own devices for most of the day.

It was now almost seven in the evening, the darkness had fallen hours ago and the chill in the air had become more piercing, crawling in through your skin and settling deep inside your bones. She had received a text message around five, saying that she hoped to be back home before seven but it didn't look like that was going to happen.

Oh, how she wished that Olivia was there with her right now, to keep her mind from drifting off to places it shouldn't, to keep her company with her calming presence. Nighttime was worse than daytime. Going to bed was not a bliss anymore, it was now something she had to force herself to do and every night she'd try to stay awake, afraid of the nightmares that were bound to come, but exhaustion always won the battle and sleep became inevitable.

She was back inside the dingy bathroom at the casino, hands held in a tight grip above her head, dress torn, panties tossed on the floor and the man, Greg, pumped hard in and out of her from behind, causing her to scream in pain and fear. She begged him to stop, begged him to at least slow down but he didn't listen and, instead, he pushed himself even harder and deeper inside of her, tearing her insides apart with every thrust.

She could feel the warm trickle of blood dripping down the inside of her thighs and onto the white cold tiles bellow, creating crimson patterns of small and large circles. His warm panting breaths were assaulting her neck, making her feel sick to her stomach, the grunting noises, the moaning and groaning and the smell of his sweat penetrated all her senses and she eventually gave up fighting.

When he was done, she could feel his warm cum slowly seeping out of her, down her legs, along with the blood. Gasping, she snapped her eyes open and immediately felt a warm wetness between her legs and her buttocks. As she sat up straight, she realised that she had wet herself in Liv's pajamas, on Liv's bed sheets and in Liv's bed. Her cheeks burnt with shame and embarrassment. What the hell had happened? Last time she wet the bed was at the age of five and she had been drinking a lot of lemonade at a friend's birthday party. Now, she was 36 years of age, barely eating or drinking, and still managed to urinate all over herself.

It was frightening and confusing at the same time as to why this had happened. She was a grown woman, for god's sake, and she couldn't even control her bladder? What was she going to do now? Quickly she stood, glanced at the clock and became aware that it was nearly eleven pm and, to her surprise, she could hear the tv playing outside in the living room.

Her heart picked up speed, thumping so violently in her chest that she found it hard to breath. The next thing she knew, Liv opened the door with a concerned look on her face and everything happened so fast that she couldn't even comprehend or fully understand what was going on.

"Amanda, you okay? I heard you crying and I..." she stopped mid sentence as she took in the blonde's distraught and shocked appearance. Amanda stood there, face flushed, chest heaving profusely, breaths coming out in short and strangled hiccups, arms and hands hovering in the air by her sides and the expression on her face held nothing but pure shock, terror, shame and confusion.

It took a few seconds for Liv to regain her composure and to mentally snap back into reality. The sight of a soaking and scared Amanda was horrifying to see and her own eyes immediately filled up with tears of compassion and empathy. "Oh, sweetheart!" she gasped, took a few steps closer and reached her hands up, ready to assist in any way she possibly could. She was about to ask what had happened but changed her mind as she could easily figure it out by herself. "Did you have a bad dream? Are you okay, honey?"

Amanda just stood there, mouth opened, ready to talk, but nothing coherent would escaped her lips. "I... I... I'm sorry, I... I don't... I don't know what... I... I'm... I... Oh, god!" her whole body began to shake as she struggled to take a breath. It felt as if her throat had completely closed up and there was no air going in or out causing her to go totally rigid and stiff, complete panic setting in.

"Honey, it's okay." Liv soothed, her hands still outstretched as she approached the fearful woman in front of her. "It was an accident, sweetie, it's okay. It's not your fault. Just calm down and try to take a breath for me." she was only a few inches away from the blonde when Amanda bolted to the bathroom, closed the door behind her and quickly locked it. "Amanda, please, unlock the door, sweetie. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You obviously had a really vivid nightmare which caused you to lose control. Come on, sweetheart, let me in so I know you're okay."

She heard the shower being switched on and knew that Amanda wouldn't listen to her, at least not right now. She sighed sadly, ran her hand down over her face and swallowed deeply. She was, somewhat, in shock herself by seeing the blonde in such an upset and panic ridden state. She felt so bad for her friend and she also understood the feeling of embarrassment. If their roles were reversed, if Olivia herself had been the one to wet the bed, she too would be embarrassed and probably run for the hills in shame.

Shaking her head in frustration, she began stripping the bed, tearing the wet sheets from the mattress and found herself feeling relieved that it wasn't soaked all the way through. She didn't think they would both fit to sleep on the couch. As the old sheets had been replaced, the shower was still running and Liv started to worry about Amanda's emotional health and state. "Honey, are you okay in there?" she waited for an answer but was met with silence. "Amanda, can you hear me? I need you to open the door, now!"

There were no sounds coming from behind the closed door, except for the steady stream of the shower and Liv was too worried for the blonde's well being to wait any longer. With one powerful kick the door was swung open, causing the hot air inside the small room to escape in the shape of a big cloud. As her view cleared she could make out Amanda's huddled form in the corner of the shower, still in her pajamas, her body still shaking from the vivid dream and the obvious shock of what had happened.

"Oh, god!" she reached inside and shut the water off. "Amanda, come on honey, it's okay. Take my hand." she whispered gently. "Please, sweetheart, just take my hand and I'll help you get dry and changed."

Amanda had her eyes closed so tightly that a headache was appearing and she had become slightly dizzy. She was beyond mortified and didn't think she would ever be able to look Liv in the eye again, not after this. She curled into herself even further, brought her legs up to her chest and buried her face in her knees, refusing to face the other woman.

"Amanda, please!" she pleaded, desperate to bring the younger woman out of her current withdrawn state. "What happened was not your fault, sweetie. It was just a reaction to the dream you had and it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I... I'm... disgusting." Amanda mumbled into her knees, the tone of her voice sounded broken and pitiful.

"No, sweetheart, you're not disgusting. You're far from it, my love. Could you please look at me, Amanda? You have nothing to be ashamed of. Please!" she urged gently while carefully placing a hand on her foot, the body part closest to her, rubbing the wet skin with her thumb. "Please." she whispered again, more intensely than before.

Her pleading voice must've had some sort of impact on Amanda. Slowly she brought her head up, tears clouding her vision but she could still see clearly how worried Olivia appeared to be. "Hey, sweetie, there you are. I lost you there for a minute." she smiled and continued to rub the bare foot. "Can you stand up, honey? Let's get you out of these wet clothes and into some dry ones."

The blonde shivered even though the water had been scalding hot. The pajama she wore was clinging to her body, hair dripping and plastered to her head. For a second she almost resembled a drenched little girl who was pleading to get warm and dry, starved for love and comfort. "Can I help you get undressed, sweetie? I promise I won't look and I'll be as quick as I can."

Nodding her head, Amanda took a few shaky steps towards Olivia but avoided making eye contact, still too embarrassed about her unfortunate accident. Liv grabbed a large towel, to have it close by, and slowly began to peel off the soaking garments, one by one. "Raise you arms for me, sweets." the top was pulled off and Amanda quickly covered herself with her hands, not wanting Liv to see, too disgusted by her own body and the way it had betrayed her.

Olivia didn't look, as promised, and within a couple of minutes Amanda was dry, wearing a new set of pajamas and her damp hair was pulled into a ponytail, keeping it away from her face. Nothing had been said between the two as Liv helped her change, the sound of silence spreading across the room, only the faint noise from the tv inside the livingroom could be heard. Walking back into the bedroom, Amanda noticed that the bed had been made with fresh clean sheets and her cheeks, once again, burnt with shame.

"It's okay, sweetie. Why don't we go out into the livingroom, sit down and have a little chat? I'll make us some tea. Come on, honey." Liv headed out to the kitchen, leaving a rooted Amanda behind. A chat!? A chat would, without a doubt, mean talking about what just had occurred and the dread she felt deep inside her stomach almost became overwhelming. "It's okay, honey." Liv reassured. "It's just the two of us here and there's nothing to be afraid of, I promise. Give me your hand!"

Olivia waited for Amanda to take her hand and, when she did, the coolness of her skin created a stark contrast against the brunette's warm and comforting touch. She rubbed the back of the blonde's hand with the pad of her thumb in soothing motions and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Come on, let's get you warmed up, honey."

The tea was soothing as it ran down Amanda's throat, dry from all the crying and sobbing. They were positioned on the couch and Liv had intentionally left a foots length between the two, giving the still rattled woman some space. The tv was still running but on a low volume so that a conversation could be held without difficulty due to the loud noise. Two minutes passed and neither woman had uttered a word when Liv suddenly broke the silence, keeping her tone low and soothing.

"You wanna tell me what you were dreaming about?"

Amanda reached out and placed her cup on the table, her hand trembling slightly as she did so. She wanted to tell Liv about her nightmare but she wasn't sure if the words would physically come out of her mouth. She was too distraught, embarrassed and felt simply revolting, hating herself for losing control of her body like that.

"Was it about Patton?" Liv asked, copying Amanda by putting her cup down on the wooden surface of the table in front of them. She watched as Amanda flinched slightly from hearing his name but she shook her head in answer. "Was it about Greg?" brown eyes studied the quiet blonde from the side, noticing how Amanda's breathing changed into a rapid speed and how she tried to turn her head away to avoid acknowledging that Olivia was there, talking to her, asking her to open up and free herself from the demons inside her head.

"Don't hide from me, honey. Please, I just want to help you." she surprised Amanda by laying a hand on her trembling shoulder, causing the blonde to flinch and shrug away from her, burrowing herself deep into the corner of the sofa. "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you, honey. You're safe here." Liv soothed as she held her hands up to show that she meant no harm. "Honey, please, talk to me."

Amanda felt the tears running down her cheeks and wiped angrily at them, forcing them to stop but without progress. "It... it was about... Greg." she whispered silently. "He... he was... hurting me." she sniffled, "it hurt... so bad but I... I couldn't... I couldn't stop him." crying, she hid her face in her hands as the sobs ripped through her body.

Liv swallowed at her own salty drops, that welled up in her dark brown eyes and carefully shifted closer. "Sweetie, I'm gonna touch you, okay? I'm gonna place my arm around your shoulders and..."

The older woman didn't get a chance to finish her sentence before she found her arms already full of a sobbing Amanda, clinging to her as if her life depended on it, curling up so close to Olivia they almost melted together as one. "Oh, honey!" Liv tearfully whispered into a nearby ear, stroking the blonde wet tresses of Amanda's ponytail and down her back and rocking them both from side to side.

"I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to... to... lose control like that. It's never ha... happened before. I'm sorry, I'm so sorr..."

"I know! I know baby, it's okay, it's alright. Don't be embarrassed, sweetheart. The dream you had was obviously very real and intense and you lost control, it happens." she hugged the body in her arms closer and placed a soft kiss on Amanda's now flushed forehead. "You wanna tell me what happened, honey? You wanna tell me what he did to you, how he hurt you?" she tucked the blonde head underneath her chin, her lips touching Amanda's temple as she spoke. "Tell me, sweetheart. Tell me how he hurt you?"

She already knew the extent of the injuries Amanda had sustained during the attack but she also knew, from personal experience, that talking about traumatic events, in detail, helped the survivor to heal and cope with things better. By making Amanda face her attacker, emotionally, she would eventually realize that he couldn't hurt her anymore and that he was locked up in a prison cell, hopefully rotting away in the most inhuman way possible. "Tell me." she whispered again and covered Amanda with a blanket, shushing her softly, making sure she was comfortable.

The younger detective was almost positioned in Olivia's lap and she kept clinging to her for safety and comfort, afraid that if she let go, the brunette would somehow disappear. "We flirted." she began, her voice breaking slighty. "Inside the casino. I... I encouraged him and... and then he... he took me into the... the men's bathroom. I... I wanted to, at first, there was just something about him that I liked." her fingers started to play with the collar of Liv's top, keeping herself grounded and present.

"He... he became rough and violent inside the bathroom. He locked the door so I couldn't get out. He told me to... to turn around, spread my legs and place my hands on the wall in front of me." she paused a took a shuddering breath, feeling Liv's gentle hands brush up and down her back and arm, keeping her calm. "When I... I didn't comply straight away he... he slapped me across the face, hard, and I just did as I was told. He pulled my... my dress up and then he... he ripped off my panties, tossed them onto the floor and... and he... he complained that I... that I wasn't wet enough for him."

She felt her cheeks turn red and hot by having to reveal and confess something so personal and intimate but Olivia just continued to hold her, kissing her head and caressing her face in gentle motions as she gathered herself.

"Then he... he pushed himself inside of me... an... anally and it... it hurt so much." she blurred out, her nose stuffy from all the crying and her eyes were red raw and puffy. "When the... the blood started to drip down my legs he... he laughed and said: "Now you're wet" and then he... he pulled out and... and entered me, vaginally. He pushed so hard, so rough and then he... he came... inside of me and he straightened himself out, told me to... clean myself up and then he left."

The anger that welled up from deep inside Olivia almost scared her. It was a raw, dark and violent hatred towards the man who had inflicted so much pain onto the woman in her arms. The physical agony Amanda experienced during the attack, and days after, must've been excruciating and humiliating.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, honey. The fear, the pain, the horror of it all. I'm so sorry." she kissed the top of her head and pulled her impossibly closer, physically pulling the blonde into her lap and cradled her like a child. "Thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me about it. I'm honoured, sweetheart, I really truly am."

Amanda had her face buried in the crook of the older woman's neck, feeling the warmth and softness radiating from the tanned skin and Olivia felt the dampness of Amanda's cheek against her collarbone, causing her heart to ache for her friend. "You're not alone in this, my love, I'm gonna be here for you, we all are, and if you need me for anything, anything at all, just let me know. I want you to know that you can trust me, sweetie. I love you." she finished with feeling and began to slowly rock them both again.

I love you! Those words meant a lot to Amanda, especially if they came from Liv. Her heart skipped a beat at Olivia's confession, a faint smile spread across her lips and she was just about to say something back when Liv's phone rang. "It's Fin." the brunette stated and answered it.

"Fin, what's up?" she asked, slightly annoyed by his awful timing.

"Liv, turn on the news, channel five." then he simply hung up.

The senior detective frowned at the seriousness and despise in his voice but did as Fin requested. As the channel switched and the news anchor came into view, Olivia could feel her blood turn cold and her anger building once more.

"A female Atlanta SVU detective claims to have been sexually assaulted by her boss, deputy chief Charles Patton. However, the charges were dropped shortly after as Captain Sam Reynolds could vouch for his friend's whereabouts."

"There's no way chief Patton committed this heinous crime. The night when the alleged assault took place, myself and Patton was working late, preparing for a meeting we had the following day. Thanks to his strong alibi he's now in the clear."

A short clip of Sam and Patton was shown on the screen, the deputy chief had a hand firmly placed on Sam's shoulder, his posture was strong and tall with a slight smirk on his face, as if he knew he could get away with anything and everything.

Amanda's petite body stiffened and shuddered in Olivia's embrace. "He's never gonna stop."

The End