Maybe

Another reaction always occurs after the other - even if it hurts.

Warnings: Has some swearing I guess. Also, onesided Rin/Len (for baseless plot) and Len/Miku just because plot.

I really don't get it.

I just don't.

I can't comprehend why the hell I still have such inconvenient feelings – these irritating emotions that I swear to god are just chemical reactions, right?

Why is it that I can't just throw them away and get rid of them forever? They're so inconvenient, I honestly don't get their point in existence but to make people hurt. I honestly really want to just crush these sentiments with a damn hammer and beat them until they don't exist anymore.

There's so much evidence that can serve as a reason to get rid of them.

Like that girl that I can spot in the corner of my eye having such a wonderful time holding the arms of a blond boy as they smile at each other in a flirty conversation.

Ooh, would'ya look at that. A couple.

Oh? I'm presuming you're asking me how's that a reason to get rid of feelings?

Because when someone's happy, there's always another person out there, whether they're across the globe or just close by, is hurting in pain.

Such an example would be me.

Yes, I'm hurting, and I'm hurting because the boy I'm in love with is holding another girl in his arms while I'm here left alone with my unrequited feelings.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I hate the way my chest always squeezes in pain, the way I always want to move on and hate him for what he's doing to me but I can't because a simple smile from him always seems to make my heart flutter, and the way he makes me feel all jittery and have butterflies swirling in my stomach which I want to grab and squeeze to death so bad it irritates me to no end.

I wonder, is this how true love is?

Is it really true love if you love each other? How are you so sure that you are what they call the other's 'soulmate'?

Is it true love if the person that you love is in love with someone else?

Of course not, true love doesn't even exist.

It's just a form of words for humans to ramp up their beliefs on such a trivial thing, trying to find something positive to deceive the little children by telling them fairy tales of princesses falling in love with princes and having a happy ever after ending.

No.

Even then, those fairy tales have some complications on how true love is represented. Snow white fell for the boy she didn't know who kissed her while she was technically dead, the Prince in Cinderella would've been fine with any girl as long as their feet fit the glass shoe, and Belle fell for a beast (and I know she only fell in love through knowing him but still... At least they made him human at the end, thank goodness).

I don't know, maybe because I'm edgy like every other stupid teenager out there by now that I'm seeing such tales in a negative light.

Yeah, it's probably because I was born in this generation that I'm looking at things at such a sad way – gone was the innocent and curious child, Rin.

I sighed heavily as I snapped myself back to reality to look at two pairs of intrigued eyes looking back at me.

I've probably been staring at them for so long to the point that they're looking back at me with confused looks on their faces so I decided to suck up and just send a merry little grin on their way and a little wave – I'm already used to acting like this; burying my feelings deep, deep inside and I'm so good that sometimes I even convince myself otherwise.

Still.

It hurts.

Especially, if you see them in the classroom since the boy is in the same class as you. Thank god, the girl belonged to a year above us – which doesn't make me feel any better since he's practically the reason my heart hurt every time he gives his girlfriend a heart-melting smile.

Soon enough, a bunch of girls arrived on the doorway, presumably asking for Miku since she quickly gave a peck on his cheek, while also waving goodbye to me and bouncing off with her friends to God knows where.

I breathed a sigh of relief, my chest finally easing into a relaxed state – but not completely since I'm still miserable and I have no soul with happiness not being a word that exists in my dictionary.

I turned around to concentrate on my assignment to continue studying.

No, I'm not some A* student who's like a talented genius, in fact, I'm so average that it hurts – the one who's out of this world is Miku and she doesn't even study and she's talented at singing, too, much like a blond boy I know of.

I only study to distract my brain and at least get B's or A's just so my parents don't get angry at me, and I only do it if it's going to be shown to them. If not, I usually get D's or C's at my worst subjects being Biology and Physics because damn, I really can't seem to get the information about the body in my head or the stupid logic behind Physics because there is no logic behind the logic of how things work. Also, maths.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not that stupid in maths, really. I'm average. Like super average. Mostly B's, I guess, and I usually do perfect school work but unfortunately exams cause me to lose brain cells or something in most subjects.

I guess I'm more to the creative side I think, I mean one's that don't really require much logic behind it other than Chemistry. At least, I think I'm better at them, like English Lit because you can just bullshit your way through or Art because, you know, you draw. And I'm better at drawing; I guess a bit of music, too, since I played the piano for six years and all. I also really like History… I think…

Wait – why am I even talking about my grades? Hah, wow, I just went into full review mode about my subjects, huh? Wasn't I talking about feelings about a certain boy?

Speak of the devil, the boy I mentioned several times came up in front of me and I literally froze right there and then, praying to God that he goes away and leave me alone. Then there's the part of me who was praying to God that he was going to give news like, "I broke up with Miku because I realised I love you and I made the wrong choice so... Will you be my girlfriend?" or something like that but we all know it's never gonna happen.

"Hey."

Even his voice is freaking nice – like velvety smooth and the perfect epitome of what people like to call "ear candy".

It's the rare kind of voice a human can ever possibly get; it's soothing, relaxing and a kind of voice you can listen to all day.

My voice, on the other hand, is scratchy as hell and too loud. Whenever I try to sing high, I sound like a freaking chipmunk and even then, I can't really hit high notes well so maybe a pitched up dying whale is a better comparison – and Miku sounds like an angel and practically is one, maybe a goddess for most of the human population with testosterones.

Nervously, I glanced sideways towards him and boy, oh boy, do I regret ever living or the fact that my parents consummated to give birth to me because I'm just a freaking joke and a failure that I should've learnt my lesson ages ago not to look at the person I love.

Jeez.

I really do hate myself, right now.

Instantly, as soon as I get a look at him, my heart starts to hammer and I can't stop the blood from rushing to my face and now I'm staring at his eyes that made me feel sick because it was the colour of the sea – and I hate the sea – but somehow it wasn't the unpleasant kind, but the nice kind of 'sick' and thoughts of how nice he looked and all that kept popping up in my head – particularly comments about that ponytail of his.

I blinked.

"Um… Hi?" I greeted hesitantly with a wobbly smile – I really hate it when I suddenly feel so shy, "What's up?"

"The ceiling." He answered monotonously with a teasing smirk as if treating me like a dumb piece of waste of life was some sort of glorious achievement.

I puffed my cheeks while rolling my eyes, "Ha. Ha. Very funny, Len. Very."

He simply shrugs his shoulders while cocking his head with a rather boyish grin and I felt my heart amp up a whole mile and I can feel my face turning red.

"Thank you, I try." Len grabs a chair from somewhere – since it was only a few minutes before the end of lunch anyway – and I felt sorry for the poor soul who finds their chair stolen and being sat on by Len… But then again… Sitting on the seat of Len is pretty much like a trophy seeing that he is the School's Prince.

Yes.

The School Prince.

And Miku's the School's Idol.

To make it easier for you, I'll translate the entire thing in a shorter way.

This means:

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE.

Yeah, and then the explanation would be:

Kagamine Rin has absolutely no chance at regaining much mutual love because she's only the mere Lively Girl who doesn't do anything but fawn over the Prince and dwell in her tears of depression.

Ah, that'll make a good book summary.

Or maybe not.

I glance back at Len who was staring at me with those eyes, resting his chin on top of his hands folded on top of one another as he leant on the back of the seat, his legs on either side of the chair since he was sitting in the chair backwards. Awkwardly, I coughed.

"So… Uh…" I started, "What do you need?"

"Hn," He pondered while watching me – and creeping me out, "I was just wondering how things are going for you."

Len is concerned about me.

The School Prince is thinking of me.

That means he wants to-

Shut up, conscience.

"Eh, nothing much. Just, you know, trying to… study." I sent him a bright and bubbly smile, "You?" My eyes then went back to focus on the piece of paper I had in front of me, "Shouldn't you be going now? You know… With Miku?"

"Oh." I can hear his smile drop and suddenly, I felt guilty for asking a question. Damn it, "Right. Well, she went with her friends."

Huh.

Why does he sound so sad?

Don't tell me something's happened between them.

I must've spoken the last sentence out (and hopefully not the whole thing) because before I knew it, his voice interrupted me.

"Nothing's wrong." He cut in and I flinched at the loudness of his voice that was so sudden. Eyes widening, I looked at him only to see him gasping as if he'd realised he just made a mistake.

I guess I'm just glad that most of the class usually go outside for lunch since my classmates are extremely close with each other that they usually schedule different games or activities they'd do together outside or somewhere else – and since we were allowed to go outside to eat for lunch.

The only thing that could come out of my mouth was, "Right."

Even then, I'd glance back at my stupidity and rather insensitive mouth because every time, every time I want to or don't want to say something, my lips have a completely different idea.

"Right." I nodded my head before looking away from what seemed like a shocked Len, of course, I was fazed by this, too, since I hardly saw such an outburst from him, "Right. Sorry for… asking."

My grip on my pencil hardened, tears threatening to spill because I'm such a wimp for being scared when Len's angry. It just… makes me feel scared. Scared that he hates me and all that.

I continued to write senseless answers on the paper to distract myself, my heart thumping and my chest constricting with hurt and my mouth tightening into a line.

Don't break down.

Don't.

"I… Sorry for yelling at you." I stopped writing, "I-I just… yeah… I just got worked up, I guess. It's my fault for shouting at you for no reason. Sorry, Rin."

I looked at him. Finally, my heart calmed and the thoughts of self-loathing disappeared and instead was replaced by relieved thoughts of, 'He doesn't hate me. It's okay'.

"It's fine. I understand." I gave him a small smile before changing the topic, "So… I heard that you got number 1 on the national maths test, huh?" I smirked and Len's face seemed to change from regret to suddenly flushing, "Well, well, well~ The School Prince beat the talented Megurine Luka, huh? Nice."

His face became beet red and he looked so embarrassed that I swear to god he looked so adorable just then. Hm, teasing him seems to be quite worthwhile.

"Shut up, she fell asleep halfway and she was sick."

I couldn't help my grin from stretching further because I feel all bubbly inside.

Seriously, these feelings really need to die but they always haunt me to no end and I just wanna crawl into a hole and sleep there forever. And I hate life because you have to do things and all I want to do is just sit at my computer and keep drawing and writing while watching videos and forget anything about emotions.

"Ah… We should go." I realised as I looked at the clock and hearing the bell of the school. In truth, I was just desperate to get away from Len as fast as possible because while I honestly do love him – that word grosses me out – I always have to remind myself that he has a girlfriend and a perfect one at that.

"Yeah." He finally replied and I hear the creaking of the chair. Curiously, I looked up to see him slinging his bag across his shoulders and his gentle smile towards me.

Why do you have to give me that smile?

"Len!"

My heart dropped to my stomach and I see Miku from the doorway, waving at Len while smiling so innocently and I only wished I could die there and then.

I forgot Len was only in my class for homeroom and some subjects, and since he's smart at maths, he's moved up to advanced classes for that subject which is a year older compared to my year and with Miku, too. Right.

"Oh, and hi Rin!" She waved towards me and her smile was so bright that I felt like I needed to shield my eyes from her ridiculously luminous aura.

And then a wave of guilt hit me when I realised that I was in love with her boyfriend.

Hah. I really am horrible. I hate my feelings so much.

Len glanced at me and then he smiled.

He smiled.

But not the same way as I watched his relieved smile at seeing Miku again.

"See you later, Rin."

Stupid heart.

"Yeah, see you."

Maybe. Just maybe… I can finally say goodbye to these feelings forever. Maybe.

Someday, I can end it all.

10/05/2017

I wrote this in one go and I feel super bad since it's really crap and I don't know if I should continue it or leave it as a oneshot. Forgive me for this crappy story.