Chapter 3

The concert was over. Simon and James had gone their separate ways without once seeing their father. For T'Beth, it was another heavy disappointment. Though Aaron advised against it, she had set her hopes on Jim somehow breaking through the shell that Spock had fashioned around himself these past months. With Jim's failure all hope seemed gone, yet she refused to give up.

The hour was late and they should be sleeping, but a bedside lamp still shone. T'Beth lay beside Aaron discussing what Simon had said about a Yanashite who visited him in New York. T'Beth had known T'Naisa Brandt before the halfling's conversation, back when she caused a great deal of trouble for the family. When T'Naisa visited Simon, she told him that she had met with Spock. She asked Simon to pray for his father because Spock had turned his back on the Shiav. The news confirmed everything that T'Beth had already suspected.

Now she asked, "Does it make you glad…about Father leaving the Yanashites?"

"Heavens no," Aaron replied, a remarkable choice of word for an unbeliever. "His views might not have been scientific, but they were something he felt strongly about. Now, that also is lost to him."

With her hands under her head, she said, "I think you've just put your finger on the problem. He's suffering from something more than grief…or even guilt for bringing that boy into his home. He must be wrestling with the age-old question: If there is a God, why does He allow evil? Evil feels like a betrayal when it hurts us or the ones we love. But Father knows the answer, and so did Lauren. I heard it directly from both of them. God gives us free will because without it there can be no love. Unfortunately the exercise of free will also opens the door to evil. But in the midst of trouble, God is always there, ready to strengthen us, ready to bring good out of evil…if only we turn to Him. We have to ask for His help, otherwise He would not be respecting our free will."

Sleepily Aaron said, "I think you've just talked yourself into a circle."

T'Beth scarcely heard him. "I'm willing to bet that he hasn't turned to God—not once since it happened, or else he would have found the strength and healing he needs."

Aaron reached out and pulled her close to him. The unborn child inside her stirred as they held one another.

"You're being strong," he said.

She gently fingered his neatly trimmed beard. "Because, darling, you aren't the only one holding me."

He raised his head off the pillow and his eyes widened at her with mock indignation. "There's someone else?"

She smiled. "You know Who I mean."

Aaron grew serious. Caressing her dark hair, he gazed into her eyes and said, "This is the closest I've come to believing in God since I was a boy."

T'Beth's heart skipped a beat. All but holding her breath, she waited. "And why is that?"

"You…and your father." Aaron lay back and stared at the ceiling. "The loss of religious faith has affected Spock very negatively, while your strong faith has a decidedly positive effect on you. For every effect, there must surely be a cause."

Smiling, T'Beth turned off the light, and in her heart she embraced Aaron's unnamed Cause as the source of true and lasting peace.

oooo

Spock had never been inclined to cook, and since Leo was hungry, he gave his friend free run of the kitchen, where Leo produced a pot of stew. What little appetite Spock possessed had abandoned him altogether in the wake of Jim Kirk's visit. He managed at most a bite or two of vegetables while Leo sat across the kitchen table enjoying the food.

In the depths of Spock's soul, something murky had roiled up, and the guilt it gave off threatened to choke him. He found himself staring at the floor in front of the sink. Though it had been weeks since he gave in to tears, suddenly he was very close to losing control. He did not know how long Leo had been watching him before he became aware of it. Sighing, he pushed his plate aside, lowered his head into his arms, and tried to focus on his breathing, which sometimes helped.

"Sick?" Leo asked.

Head down, Spock said, "Did you bring it?"

"Maybe I did," he answered, "and maybe I didn't. You're putting me in one helluva spot. You call me your friend, but what kind of a friend would give you that crap?"

Gathering his last shreds of composure, Spock sat up straight and declared, "I can control it."

Leo hooted. "Oh, sure you can. Just like all those others." Pausing to swallow the food in his mouth, he said, "Tell me one thing, will you? Back at Luna…those drugs that the guard found under your mattress…they really were yours?"

"No," Spock said truthfully, "they were not. Testimony at the subsequent trial proved that they were planted at Warden Cho's direction." He was beginning to feel like a beggar, and he did not like it. "As for the Blue—is it a matter of money? I will pay you well."

Leo washed down the stew with cold beer. "Money? No. Here's the deal. You need to get out of this damn house. Just take a little vacation with me, then it's all yours."

A vacation? It seemed to Spock that these past months had been an endless, desolate vacation from everything that once gave his life purpose and direction. He was adrift in a sea of inactivity.

He said, "I am not working. How then could I need a vacation?"

Leo stabbed at the air with his fork. "Sometimes you have to leave, before you can come home again."

"That," Spock said with some annoyance, "is stating the obvious."

"A getaway, Spock. A change of scene. An old-fashioned road trip."

"Travel? For pleasure?"

Leo nodded and took another large bite.

Images flashed into Spock's mind—all tourist destinations he had shared with Lauren.

He shook his head adamantly. "No. I have no desire to travel."

"Oh, I don't mean just ambling around taking pictures," Leo persisted. The fork looked small in his hand as he jabbed at the air again. "I have more of an adventure in mind, something that would arouse your scientific curiosity."

"Such as?" Spock inquired with some skepticism.

Leo smiled, his gray eyes sparkling with excitement. "The Pacific Coast."

Spock was weary of the discussion. "Leo, an evacuation order is in effect."

"So?"

They shared a long look.

"Think of it, Spock! Standing on ground zero while the whole western seaboard is falling to pieces around you! Now, that's what I call an adventure."

Spock was thinking of it, as well as the consequences of violating an emergency mandate. Somewhat to his surprise, he found that he did not give a damn about the consequences. At this point there was only one consequence that mattered. Give Leo the trip, and Leo would deliver the Blue.

oooo

On the way home from Starfleet's growing Phoenix base, T'Beth stopped to see for herself what the satellite images had been showing all week. From the street she could see Leo Kessler's groundcar parked in her father's driveway. Spock's skimmer was not on its pad.

Her eyes settled on a rose bush shriveled by the scorching heat. For a minute she sat there, the motor idling, remembering something Jamie had said about Lauren planting it on the day she died. T'Beth felt a sharp pang of longing for her stepmother and Teresa, for a father who was something more than a cold-hearted stranger.

Where was he?

A fearful possibility sidled into her mind. She had never trusted Kessler. What if the convicted murderer had killed Spock and stolen the skimmer? Another body lying in this accursed house, waiting to be found…

With a shudder she raised her car to a hover and soared over to the neighboring property where Father's landlord lived. This house was considerably larger, but built in the same classic Spanish style and beautifully landscaped.

T'Beth stepped out into the heat and was arranging her uniform over her expanding middle when three raven-haired girls, as lovely as dolls, rushed over. She recognized Rosa, Jacinta, and Consuelo, who used to play with Teresa. Their mother came out of the house, wiping her hands on her apron. She was a short, stout woman with an infectious smile.

"Mrs. Valdez," T'Beth said in greeting, and got right to the point. "I've been a little worried about my father. Have you seen him lately?"

Mrs. Valdez shook her head sadly. "Poor man. He went off with his friend for a while, and that is probably a good thing. He spends far too much time by himself."

T'Beth breathed a sigh of relief. Father had gone on a trip, that was all.

Little Consuelo, who was no older than Bethany, spoke with excitement. "We're taking good care of Paco and the chickens. He said he would pay us when he got back, but we don't know when that will be." She paused for a quick breath. "Will Teresita be with him?"

Mrs. Valdez shushed her and began to apologize.

"It's alright," T'Beth said with a heavy heart. "My Bethany sometimes asks about her, too. The little ones don't understand."

Hesitantly Rosa said, "The señor, he brought us into the house before he left. He opened Teresita's bedroom. He told us to take whatever we liked because he wanted to get rid of it. There were many nice things, but it didn't seem right to us. I think maybe he was a little angry that we didn't take anything. We didn't mean to make him angry."

"I know," T'Beth told her without offering any excuse for his behavior.

Rosa asked, "Isn't Jamie ever coming back?"

T'Beth had no answer.

oooo

As Spock piloted his skimmer over the broken landscape, he vacillated between shock over the devastation and a peculiar satisfaction in being here, at this place and time in history, in order to see it for himself. But always working in his mind was the thought, if none of this had happened, if there had been no tsunami, if Sobek had not come to live with us…

By adjusting the skimmer's coil inducer, he had created a field that would confuse any monitoring device they might encounter. Flying low, they had managed to escape detection as they traveled north from Yuma, into the remnant of California.

Los Angeles no longer existed. The ocean extended through the Mojave Desert, into Death Valley. A few peaks were all that remained of California's Coastal Range, which was still in the process of breaking apart and settling into the Pacific. In many cases, ocean waves were lapping against the Sierra Nevada Mountains.

The skimmer's positioning system told Spock that he had entered the region formerly known as the San Joaquin Valley, yet there was only water below. To the northwest, Carmel and San Francisco had vanished weeks earlier in an earthquake so powerful that it rattled windows even in Phoenix. Nothing remained of the areas where he had once lived with his family.

Wordlessly he brought the skimmer into a hover and informed Leo that he needed to rest. Switching positions, Spock inclined the passenger seat to a comfortable level and closed his eyes.

"Where do you want to go?" Leo asked.

"I don't care," Spock replied. He had lost all interest in their illicit adventure. A yawning blackness inside him had reopened, sucking him down like quicksand, and he found himself longing more than ever for the release that only Strardus could bring.

At some point he drifted off to sleep.

…Teresa's voice woke him. "Daddy? Daddy, look!"

Spock opened his eyes. Lauren was at the skimmer's controls. He glanced into the back seat and found Teresa and James strapped in.

Teresa's face flushed with excitement as she pointed out her window, to the west. "Look, Daddy! See it?"

Spock looked and saw a line of dark clouds trailing precipitation. Sunlight on the raindrops created a brilliant rainbow, but it was Teresa and Lauren who held his attention. In the dream, he knew they were dead. Though they knew it, too, they did not seem to care. The two of them were content just to have this moment with him, as if they had merely dropped in for a visit…

A painful rush of emotion wrenched Spock awake.

Leo heard him gasp and glanced his way. "You okay?"

Spock struggled to compose himself. Bringing his seat upright, he gazed out the windshield at a broken landscape and asked, "Where are we?"

"Upper Sacramento Valley."

Leo checked the GPS and headed for a solid spit of land tucked among some hills. He brought the skimmer down in a browned-out meadow studded with oak trees. Nearby, crows perched on the remains of a collapsed building.

"Mountain Gate," Leo said. "This is where I grew up."

Before Spock's marriage to Lauren, they had accompanied T'Beth and Doctor McCoy to the VantageWest amusement park nearby. Memories were following him everywhere.

Now Leo also seemed to grow somber as he confronted the ghosts in his own past. The sun was getting low on the horizon. This would have been a good place to make their camp, but suddenly Leo launched the skimmer southward, to Redding.

The former county seat had been flattened by earthquakes and further devastated when two dams gave way. Leo circled and found the new Sacramento River estuary at the base of Quartz Hill. They flew upriver in silence.

"Keswick Dam," Leo announced.

Spock gazed down at the ruined structure with little interest, and they continued up the canyon.

"Shasta Dam will be something," Leo said. "It was big to start with, and later on they raised it even higher."

The skimmer twisted along the river, so low that Spock saw a fish jump. The dam came into view. Its central structure had broken into jagged rubble through which the river channeled, creating treacherous rapids.

Leo entered the empty basin of Lake Shasta, swung around, and landed by the rusted remains of a formerly submerged construction tower. This time they got out of the skimmer. The Central Valley heat had given way to a cool coastal climate, so Spock put on his jacket. A shiver caught him and he thrust his hands into his pockets. Underfoot, the ground was marred by deep cracks that had formed as the super-saturated lakebed dried. Sea birds strutted about and circled overhead. To the north, a plume of volcanic smoke rose from Mount Shasta.

Spock stood with Leo on the barren bank of the Sacramento River where it gathered force and thundered through the cleft in the dam. Sacramento—the religious connotation of the name disturbed him. A sudden gust of wind swirled mist into his face, bringing with it a cutting memory of the Seleyan ledge where Yanash was executed. Water geysered from that ledge now—an abundant fountain where no water had ever been detected before. His mind struggled for a scientific explanation before he finally gave up.

Abruptly he faced Leo and said, "Enough of this. I am tired of waiting. Either you have the Blue or you don't."

Leo bristled. "Is that all I am to you? Okay then, here's the Vulcan truth. I wouldn't touch that stuff for all the world, and I sure as hell wouldn't give it to a grieving friend."

So Kessler had duped him! Spock had suspected as much. Abruptly he lost all control, and setting aside finer methods of combat, swung at the big man's jaw. Leo saw it coming and dodged. Infuriated, Spock went for him again. This time he connected and Leo returned with a solid punch to Spock's face. The force of the blow sent Spock back only a step, but that was all it took. The bank gave way under his shoes and he plunged into the rushing river.

The icy shock of the water stole his breath. For a moment he was floundering, then the sodden weight of his clothing dragged him under.

oooo

Suddenly, T'Beth shivered. She glanced up from the gravesite where she stood holding a spray of gardenias. A cloud had blown over the sun, but the temperature was well above 100 degrees. The chill she felt had nothing to do with the weather.

Sinking to her knees, she placed the fragrant white flowers at the base of the double granite headstone, then rested back on her heels, looking at it.

Lauren Fielding S'chn T'gai ~~~Teresa Lauren S'chn T'gai

"We have not died, but only gone before."

Tears filled her eyes. "I miss you," she said, barely above a whisper. "So does he. It's just about finished him." She had come to pray for Lauren and Teresa. Instead, she found herself asking for their prayers. "I don't know where he is, but he needs your help."

And bowing her head, she put father into God's keeping.

oooo

Blind panic set in as the current drew Spock deep into the channel. He surfaced once, sucked in some air, then the river pulled him back under and hurled him into the cleft. His body slammed from one obstacle to the next. Clinging to life, he clawed at the water, desperate to survive.

He impacted yet another object. This one stopped him. Lungs aching, held in place by the raging current, he felt along a jagged edge and moved upward until his mouth cleared the water.

Gasping for breath, he called out a plea taught by his mother in earliest boyhood. "Oekon'sa-mekh!"

It was a human-inspired corruption of the language, for until Yanash, no Vulcan had ever addressed God as "Father". Once Sarek heard it, he forbade its use.

The swift current threatened to sweep Spock away. His strength was failing when he noticed a piece of rebar and grabbed hold of it. Little by little he muscled himself onto the relative safety of a concrete slab. For a time he lay there, shivering and spent, with the river crashing around him.

It was then that he heard his name spoken, though not by any voice.

"Spock."

Fog had rolled in from the ocean. Shivering uncontrollably, he called out, "Leo?"

"Spock." It came again, clearly, from somewhere within his mind.

He sat up and saw the metal rod he had used to pull himself out of the river. A similar piece of rebar jutted from each corner of the concrete. The image shifted to one from his past and he covered his face in an attempt to avoid it. He did not want to be reminded of that terrible day on Mount Seleya, of the slab where Yanash was impaled and left to die.

A powerful Presence touched him and warmed him, casting a ray of light deep into his being. Spock drew back. The Shiav had come for an accounting and Spock was appalled at the state of his soul.

Once more, the unseen hand found him, and this time Spock did not move away. This time he clung to it as tightly as he had clung to the piece of rebar, and he wept angry tears.

"Why?" he cried out. "Why did you let me bring Sobek into my home? Why couldn't I have reached him? Why did you let him kill?"

"Sobek closed his heart to me, just as you have closed yours." The light penetrated deeper. "My son…"

It was the cry of a Father for His lost child, and as never before, Spock understood. There was no need for any further words. The resistance in his heart gave way to surrender, acceptance, trust. And out of his brokenness there began a true healing.

The fog lifted. Sunlight broke through. Spock heard the roar of the river and Leo calling out.

"Hullo! Spock! Are you alright?"

Spock looked over and glimpsed Leo climbing down some debris, coming toward him. For the first time he saw that the slab bordered the shore. He was not stranded. He stood, and only then realized that his clothes were completely dry.

Oblivious to the fact, Leo came over grinning and seized him with bearlike hands. "Thank God! For a minute, I thought I'd killed you!"

Spock looked upon his friend with appreciation and said, "Yes. Thank God."

oooo

They were no longer wandering without purpose. Spock chose the itinerary and flew northeast, out of the evacuation zone, and landed for the night in a remote corner of Nevada.

It was almost dark when Leo set up the tent. A warm breeze stirred and coyotes could be heard barking and howling in the distance. Due to Leo's foresight, they had ample self-heating meal packs, so they ate under the stars with the aid of a camp light.

It was a quiet meal and as they were finishing, Spock said, "Leo, you have been a good friend to me. My request was entirely inappropriate and I will never ask such a thing of you again." He went on to explain why the drug held an allure for him, how he had once had a fatal disease and his future wife gave him Saurian Strardus as a palliative treatment.

Leo was aghast. "Lauren did that?"

"She had no way of knowing that I would survive," Spock said in her defense. "I don't blame her for my addiction."

"You make it sound like you're still addicted."

"A recovered addict is, nevertheless, an addict."

At that Spock excused himself and withdrew a short way into the desert. He needed time alone to assimilate the events of the day, for he had received a great da'rak—a great spiritual grace at the hand of Yanash. As the summer moon rose, he assumed the posture of meditation, chanted for a time, and opened his soul to the Shiav. The drug hunger had subsided and he could feel the wounds of grief starting to knit. Tonight Lauren and Teresa did not seem very far away. It was as if they stood just out of sight, safe from harm in a place of comfort and joy, awaiting Spock's arrival. Even so, it pained him. He spent half the night seeking strength for the long road ahead.

oooo

Jim Kirk heard a distant rumble of thunder and glanced up, concerned. With Antonia in the loft painting and Tru taking her nap, the house was very quiet. He set aside the leather-bound book he was reading, took off his glasses, and headed outside to check the weather. The sky was sunny, except for a few clouds to the east. The boys should be okay.

As he stood on the porch, a different sort of sound drew his attention. He turned and saw a shaggy-haired man in casual clothes striding toward the house. His face was stubbled with whiskers and his cheekbone was bruised, but there was no mistaking his identity.

Startled, Jim said, "Spock!"

"Good day, Jim," the Vulcan said politely, stopping a few feet away. Glancing over the corral and outbuildings, he asked, "Where is James?"

"Out riding," Jim answered, "with Simon."

Under the hair, one eyebrow lifted. "I did not know Simon was here."

"No, I imagine you wouldn't," Jim could not resist saying, and the pent anger spilled out. "Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea how you've worried your family, taking off like that? Where's your skimmer? What did you do—beam in?"

Spock gave a nod eastward. "Leo Kessler is with the skimmer…just over the rise." Then he said, "If I may use a horse, I could perhaps ride out and find the boys."

Jim's jaw dropped. "You! On a horse?" He was fully aware of the Vulcan's low opinion of riding. If Spock was asking for a horse, it proved how urgently he wanted to see his sons. Something in him had changed for the better—Jim clearly saw that now.

He saddled a docile appaloosa mare. After a brief review of the basics, he saw Spock onto the horse, then sent him off with directions to Jamie's favorite trail. Jim was heading for the house when Spock pulled up on the reins and turned the horse around.

"Jim!" Spock called out. "Please call T'Beth and tell her I am coming home!"

Jim raised a hand in acknowledgement. As Spock rode away, he stood wishing very much that he was going along for this ride.

oooo

T'Beth leaned back in her chair and absently tapped a stylus on her desktop. It was nice having her own office, with no one looking over her shoulder every moment. Her transfer from Sydok had brought with it a promotion to lieutenant commander, as well as a new position: Assistant Chief of Diplomatic Affairs. It was her job to ensure that all Starfleet personnel receive the cultural-sensitive training appropriate for their particular assignments. The responsibility required constant research, but just now her mind was elsewhere.

Back on her father, again. Concern for Spock lay heavily on her heart as she turned once again to her computer.

She noticed a faint click, and the masculine voice of her yeoman broke over the desktop intercom. "There's a call for you, ma'am. From Captain James T. Kirk."

Her heart seized. What was so important that it couldn't wait until she got home? Was something the matter with Jamie?

Swallowing a sudden dryness from her throat, she said, "Put it through."

Jim appeared on her viewscreen, smiling in the warm Kirk way that always tugged at her heart. Without preliminaries he said, "Well, kiddo, you'll never guess who I was just talking to."

He had not called her "kiddo" in years. And that twinkle in his eyes—there could only be one reason for it. "Don't tell me it's my father?"

"In the Vulcan flesh. He just rode out of here to get his sons."

"Rode? You mean on a horse?"

Jim nodded. "And he gave me a message for you…"

oooo

Spock had been on horseback for nearly an hour and was beginning to think that he had chosen the wrong trail. Occasionally he heard thunder. The storm was moving closer, driven by sporadic gusts that sighed through the conifers, restlessly stirring their dark branches.

He reached the top of a hill and pulled back on the reins. All along, the horse seemed to have sensed that he was an inexperienced rider. Fighting the restraint, she paced and pawed at the earth. From a meadow below came a nickering sound.

Spock eased up on the reins and the horse needed no urging. She took off down the slope, accelerating into a heart-stopping gallop as the ground leveled. Suddenly Spock passed a pair of saddled horses drinking from a creek, and he jerked the reins. His horse plunged to a stop, nearly unseating him. He was fighting to regain control of the animal when someone walked up and grabbed hold of its bridle. The horse steadied.

Spock looked down at the young man and discovered that it was Simon. His eyes—vividly blue like his mother's—held shock, suspicion, and more than a little anger. James came over to his brother and stood very close to him. The younger boy stared at Spock's bruised, unshaven face, waiting to see what fresh pain this stranger might inflict on him.

Gathering himself, Spock dismounted and cleared his throat. "Simon," he said, "James…" The words choked off as he thought of their mother, their sister, so cruelly torn from their young lives. In this world, their family would never be whole again.

Sudden tears welled, and he could not stop them. He had not planned it this way. He had meant to be strong for his sons. Embarrassed by his weakness, he turned from their eyes and struggled to regain control.

From the depths of his grief he became aware of a hand touching his left forearm. Then another, larger hand settled on his right shoulder. As his sons' arms went around him, Spock reached out and crushed them close. For a while they stood silently by the creek, with the wind in the trees and the horses grazing nearby. Then it was time to go home.

oooOOooo