Chapter 35: Out

His clothes were still moist from being left a half-soggy pile in the bathroom in the early morning, so Yuri let him have underwear and a sweater for the ride home. While Yuri went to get dressed as well Otabek sat down on the bathroom floor with the blow dryer and tried to dry his shoes as much as possible. A scent of leather came from the footwear but Otabek guessed they'd need one day or two to dry completely. Once at home he'd just go for his boots until this pair was good to wear again.

When he came back to the bedroom Yuri had sat down on the edge of the mattress, brushing his hair that had dried overnight. Otabek couldn't help but smile at Yuri's ripped black skinny jeans, the burgundy tank top and the black zip-hoodie. They had decided that it would be best to dress as tacky as possible in order not to be recognized easily and Yuri had obviously thought is was easiest to dress up as his 16 year-old self. He looked pretty like that though, prettier than in all the expensive fabrics and exquisite fashion he usually wore and he looked more real, too. Almost like the past three and a half years had never happened.

When Yuri put the hairbrush away and reached for the elastic on the sheet he spotted Otabek.

"What's wrong?", he asked, collecting the mass of blonde to tie it into a ponytail, keeping his gaze on Otabek.

"I just thought", he answered, slowly, "that you look like Yuri Plisetsky a lot like that."

An elegant eyebrow rose. "That's probably because I am Yuri Plisetsky?"

Otabek chuckled. "Of course you are", he then said, watching how Yuri tied his hair into a messy bun. "It's just… You look more like the Ice Tiger than the Fairy like that. It's nice."

Getting up from the bed Yuri tilted his head. "You really need to work on your compliments, Otabek."

They left the apartment through the back door, Otabek feeling slightly uncomfortable in the moist shoes, Yuri as confident as ever after he had completed his outfit with a black leather jacket and well-worn leopard print converse. With his hood up and hand stuffed into his pockets he radiated the same badass aura he had surrounded himself with as a gold winning prodigy. It made Otabek feel warm inside that that part of Yuri was still there, that so much of it was still there, even after everything. He felt relieved and proud. When they took the pedestrian tunnel to the other side of the street, roamed by people at that time of the day, a man grazed Yuri's leather clad shoulder hurrying in the opposite direction and the blonde turned around to shout a "Look where the fuck you're going, assole!" after him. Otabek chuckled lowly. Looked like some things never changed.

The dark blue Volkswagen was waiting for them in one of the more remote park decks. There were only two other cars parked here, an old green Lada Niva and a tiny japanese car Otabek couldn't name. Their sound of their shoes echoed from the walls.

"So,", he murmured, his voice distorted, and he looked around, "you say there are no cameras down here?"

"Yes", Otabek answered. He had checked when he had left the car here. It was important that no one recognized Yuri when he sneaked out to bunk off secretly.

He gasped in surprise when delicate but strong hands grabbed his collar and pushed his back against the wall. Yuri's lips were on his a second later, his hands holding onto the fabric of the sweater before shifting up to tangle up in Otabek's messy hair. Otabek grabbed Yuri's hip to pull the boy closer, but the kiss was over quick and Yuri backed away, licking his lips. "You know, that's what I wanted to do a long time ago", he whispered and tucked a strand of hair behind Otabek's ear. "Stealing kisses when noone is watching. Like we're still teenagers. Did you like that?"

Otabek nodded wordlessly. His breath came in excited pants. He wanted more of that. Now and forever.

Yuri however had turned around already, digging the key for the Golf out of his pocket. "This is it then? Looks ratty."

"The lock on the passenger side doesn't work, you have to unlock it from the inside", Otabek explained, catching his breath. "Also, the heater doesn't work properly sometimes and the back wiper isn't functioning."

"Does it drive?", Yuri joked and unlocked the driver's door.

"I didn't carry it here."

With a grin Yuri got into the car and pulled the knob on the other door open, so Otabek could get inside.

"When did you get your license anyway?", he asked as Yuri started the engine and turned the light on.

"Anatolij got me one for my 18th birthday."

Otabek frowned. "What do you mean 'got you one'?"

Yuri pulled out of the parking lot skillfully and drove towards the driveway ramp. "He taught me how to drive and had made one for me at the ministry."

"So you never took lessons?"

Yuri shot him a smirk. "What, are you scared?"

The way Yuri drove up the ramps didn't make him worry, really. "No, it's just…" He was scared. But for a different reason.

"Just…?"

Otabek sighed, looking down at his hands. "You should be careful. If you get into an accident, you'll attract attention. Even if you weren't the cause of the crash or-"

"Don't worry, Otabek", Yuri interrupted him. "I am a safe driver and I promise I'll be careful, but even if something happens I'll just offer the other party an amount of money they can't refuse and bribe any police officer to mind his own business. Trust me, there's nothing to worry about. Things are easily solved here it you have half a million roubles in your back pocket."

Otabek almost choked on his own breath and Yuri laughed loud.

"Pays off being a mafia princess."

Yuri couldn't remember the way over to Otabek's place in detail so Otabek helped him out, navigating him through the traffic of the busy commercial district and then over to the industrial area more on the outskirts of Moscow where Otabek's flat was.

"It looks worse in bright daylight", Yuri murmured when they took the small driveway that led behind the hauling company's building.

Now that he mentioned it Otabek found that Yuri was right. The building was dilapidated, the asphalt crumbling under the tires and the sun shining through thin clouds brought out every crack in the brickwork. Under the metal stairs Otabek spotted dead leaves and thin yellow grass breaking through the tar colored surface of the ground along with the remains of what looked like broken tiles.

"Like no one has lived here for decades", Yuri concluded. "Or more like no one ever lived here."

"That's the point", Otabek explained and it made Yuri frown.

They got out of the car and Yuri locked the doors before they climbed the stairs to Otabek's apartment. Inside it was just as cold as outside and Yuri sighed when the door fell shut behind them and left them in the dim, yellowish light of the light bulb Otabek had flicked on.

"Seriously, Otabek,", Yuri crossed his arms in front of his chest, "with this apartment it's no wonder you have depressions."

With a frown Otabek turned to him. "I don't have depressions."

Yuri lifted an eyebrow. "I disagree to that, no offense. But honestly, this place is a nightmare. You don't even have furniture."

"I don't need furniture." Otabek took off his shoes and walked into his room, placing them under the heater and turning it up to the highest level.

"Hey."

When he turned around Yuri had followed him, then took his hand.

"Listen, Otabek. I know you think you don't need anything. But this", with his free hand he made a gesture that included the tiny, spare room, "this isn't a place to live. This is torture. And you said you wouldn't hurt yourself so much. For my sake."

Otabek narrowed his eyes, sceptic. "Then what do you suggest?"

The smile on Yuri's lips was like the sun breaking through gray clouds. "I suggest you get dressed and we head over to the hardware store and get you some basics. A table and a cupboard. And a bedframe if you want me to stay over sometimes." He winked.

The thought was appealing enough; not only the one of Yuri staying over but also of not sitting on the mattress all the time and of keeping his clothes in some kind of cabinet. It would be much nicer to prepare tea with the cooking plate and teapot on a cupboard instead of on the floor. And maybe some dishes would be nice, so he could eat from a plate and not only from styrofoam take-out boxes.

"Okay", he finally agreed. "But let me shower first."

Yuri smiled the cutest smile and placed a peck on his lips.

It wasn't unusual that Otabek stared at himself in the mirror after he had showered and shaved. His hair hung in his face, wet and messy. He needed to trim the sides of his undercut, it would start to look awkward soon. Not that even with a fresh haircut he wouldn't look awkward. It was a mystery to him how he of all people had attracted Yuri Plisetsky, even before he had woken up with a headache and scars all over his body.

Frowning he tried to towel his hair as dry as possible, then got into the boxers he had brought. He looked at the bronze coin between his collarbones before it disappeared under the T-shirt. He got into black jeans and a black hoodie and was about to reach out for the styling mousse he usually worked into his hair so the long strands stayed in place with his regular hairstyle, but then he remembered that it would be better to look as little as Erasyl as possible if they wanted to go out together, so he just tousled the black mass with his fingers. In the mirror the tips of his ears could be seen as they reddened when he pushed the thought around in his head a little: He and Yuri were going out. Like in on a date. An awkward date, sure, but it kind of was one, wasn't it? Maybe he could treat Yuri to coffee after they were done shopping. He owed him after all. Over three years of dating. The low chuckle that bubbled from his throat felt weird but nice. He turned away from the mirror, ignoring the blush on his cheek bones.

Yuri had draped Otabek's wet clothes from yesterday over the heater and then laid down on the crumpled sheets. "What do you do here all day?", he asked when Otabek appeared from the bathroom. "You don't even have a TV. Don't you get bored?"

"I mainly come here to sleep", Otabek explained and plugged the cable of his mobile phone in. The battery had died over night, probably because he had left the flashlight on, occupied with more important matters after coming to the bathroom last night. A tiny red light in the upper right corner lit up when the battery started charging.

"What do you do the rest of the day,", Yuri asked, sitting up, "when you are not working?"

"I go to the gym often, to remain in shape." Sitting down on the mattress Otabek fished a pair of black socks from his suitcase. The thought that soon he'd have a place to store his clothes away made him smile. "Or to the shooting range. Sometimes I play airsoft, there's a playing field a few minutes from here. It helps me train my combat skills."

Yuri pouted. "That's it? Don't you ever do anything for fun?"

Tuning his head Otabek looked at him for a moment. "I don't… have time for something like that." When Yuri squinted his eyes, puzzled, Otabek straightened his shoulders. "I have to become better. Stronger. I…" He frowned. "Half a year ago I wasn't able to walk. I couldn't speak properly. I could barely sit up in my bed and tell nurse Aitmukhambetova that I had the worst headache of my life. I couldn't even think straight most of the time, in the beginning. Just like a newborn I had to start from scratch. That I recovered so fast was only because I worked on myself every second. Until I could leave the hospital. Until I could go and look for you. And realize that if I want to be there for you it's not enough to be as good as I used to be. You know as good as I that I wasn't enough. So I have to be better. I can't waste time for nonsense. I have to exploit all the resources so in case something happens you can rely on me."

"Yeah, I get it, you care about me", Yuri said, but he sounded a little salty, "but have you never come to think that maybe it would be good to not push yourself over the fucking limit all the time?" His eyebrows were furrowed. "Because I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but you're no goddamn machine, Otabek. I know you used to think that you have to give 120 fucking percent, even back when it was about skating, but you didn't really have a choice. You did that because - sorry if I'm rude now, but your mother is an asshole and she made you a sad, gloomy weirdo. You don't have to be that now. She's not here to pressure you, no one does and you shouldn't be doing that to yourself. Like, I'm fucking serious, I think you are not quite right up here", he tapped his forehead with his index finger, "and it makes me kinda angry. A whole fucking lot actually. Because you do the same shit to yourself that she did. She put that bug into your ear that your best is never enough, but there's a limit, Otabek, and it's there for a motherfucking reason. You're human, for fuck's sake. You're not unbreakable. And I can only keep an eye on you so much with the pile of shit we're stuck in here. I need you to stop destroying yourself. You're not helping me like this. If anything you only make me worry my fucking ass off." He glared at Otabek who didn't know if this was the moment to defend himself and even if it was how he could do so. "Okay, listen", Yuri continued, his voice softer now. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to be mean but..." He sighed. "I need you to take care of yourself a little, okay? It's good you're alive, Otabek, and there was a time when knowing you survived would have been enough for me, but it's not anymore. I don't need you to be just alive. I need you to be happy. I demand you to be happy. I don't want you to break yourself in halves because you think you need to be superhuman or something in order to protect me. You said you can fight and you said you can shoot and that's honestly more than Sergej was ever capable of, so you really don't need to push yourself so much. You don't have to train for the fucking apocalypse. You have to live and be safe - as safe as you can - so I don't worry so much about you. I want you to stop hurting yourself and get some rest. You need it. Your body needs it and your soul as well. You understand that, don't you."

Otabek nodded. His glance had dropped to his knees, his hands balled into fists. "I'm sorry I make everything so much harder for you", he murmured. He twitched when Yuri grasped his hands.

"You're making things harder for both of us", Yuri corrected him. "But we'll fix that, together, okay? And we start today." The smile in his voice made Otabek look up again. "We'll get you some nice things for your room and then we can think of how we can make things better for you, okay?"

Otabek nodded, smiling a tiny smile. He didn't know how Yuri could be so invested in him, but it did make him happy. The feeling was alien and it was nice. He wanted it to stay.

т

The VW was surprisingly roomy. When the back seat was toppled over the trunk had space for the modest white cupboard, the small dresser and the wooden table as well as two chairs all in pieces and in brown cardboard boxes. The long sides of the bedframe had to be pushed between the two front seats so Yuri could close the trunk door. They piled the boxes with the dishes, cutlery and kitchen utensils up on top and Yuri slammed the lid shut. His cheeks were red from maneuvering the boxes so they could stop at the electronics shop and load some more appliances into the car without having to rearrange everything again.

"So far so good", he huffed and grinned over to where Otabek stood, watching him. "Wanna head over to the Evroset?"

Otabek nodded and they got into the car again.

"I really hope we can get that all assembled today", Yuri said when he had a look at the car's dashboard. "It's half past 4 already."

"You have to be at the club tonight if I remember correctly", Otabek said and Yuri nodded.

"We have a gig tonight and I need to keep an eye on everything on the weekend when Anatolij is not around." He drove into the electronics shop's parking lot. "Maybe if we don't get finished you can just take the evening off and I'll take a taxi. I won't be staying too long tonight anyway."

For a moment Otabek thought about it. "Let's see how far we come", he then suggested. "Then we can decide."

Yuri smiled at him contently.

Otabek picked out a small fridge in the shop and a mini oven as well as a small lamp that he could attach to the wall next to his bed. When they came through the department with the bathroom appliances he stopped in his track. Yuri noticed a few steps later, then turned around.

"Need anything else?"

With a frown Otabek looked up and down the self with the electric shavers and clippers. "I thought", he said slowly when Yuri came back to stand beside him. "A blow dryer. And… Maybe I should buy a clipper too. You know for trimming my undercut."

"Yeah it grew really long", Yuri agreed, his fingers brushing over the shorter side, right over Otabek's ear. It felt nice. "Do you usually cut it yourself? Isn't that tricky?"

Otabek shrugged. "Khaligazh used to do that for me", but before he could continue Yuri said:

"I could help you!"

Weird how such a simple sentence made Otabek feel so warm inside.

"Can't be too hard", Yuri chattered on, "I mean you'd only need the right comb to slip on. Let's see…" He bowed over to read the description on the various boxes, oblivious about the blush on Otabek's cheeks.

So that's what having a boyfriend was like then.

"I think that one's okay", Yuri concluded and took a black box from the shelf. "You can adjust the top depending on how long you want the hair to be. And the color is nice", he added with a grin, handing Otabek the box with the burgundy device.

Of course Otabek didn't object. Why would he, when he felt so light being around Yuri.

Leaving the shop after paying Yuri had a very satisfied look on his face. "And you are sure you don't need a washing machine? I mean, sure it would be heavy, but it's much more convenient than taking all your stuff to the coin laundry all the time."

"I'd need a dryer, too", Otabek explained. "The coin laundry is just around the corner, it's not that complicated, really."

"We wouldn't get that in the car anyway", Yuri realized, then stopped in front of a shopping window. When Otabek turned towards him he realized that it belonged to a flower shop next to the Evroset. "I read", he said without looking away from the plants displayed, "that having a potted plant helps making a room much more comfortable."

Otabek had an idea where this was going. "Let's get the stuff in the car first, then we can check the flower shop out."

Yuri's step had a happy bounce to it as they headed over to the car.

Otabek wasn't a flower type, usually. His father used to have gummi trees and yuccas and dracaenas throughout the house but Otabek had moved too often to get involved with plants and flowers very much. He couldn't have taken a musa banana from Kazakhstan to the US to Canada and back home again. The only plant he had ever had was the strange prehistoric looking yellow thing next to his hospital bed.

The elderly lady in the flower shop tilted her head when Otabek tried to describe the plant to her. "Green, yellow, looks like a rooster's neck, prehistoric", she repeated slowly, like tasting the words on her tongue. Then, suddenly her eyes lit up. "Does it look like the green part of a pineapple?" When Otabek gave her an affirmative nod she beamed him a smile. "I think what you mean is a bromeliad, we have some over here, come have a look.

It was indeed the exact same flower Otabek meant.

"Why don't you take something a little… less awkward?", Yuri asked when the lady headed over to the cash counter to wrap the potted plant into paper for the transport.

"I had one of those in the hospital", he explained. "I don't even know who brought it, I never asked. But it was… nice." Yuri nodded a little unsure. It was good, looking at him surrounded by all the flowers. There were lilies and dahlias in all colors imaginable, tulips and masses of roses in white and red and pink and yellow and they all looked so bright and fresh and beautiful, just like Yuri. Even with his hair a little windswept and his lips pouting and this tiny blush on his nose tip he looked so gorgeous that Otabek struggled hard to hold back and not just kiss him right there. He was all gold and green and soft pink in midst of all the flowers. Pale and soft and strong and shimmering, full of life and enchanting. All those wonderful flowers suited him so much. And Otabek thought that whoever had given him the bromeliad had either purposely or accidentally picked the one flower that maybe suited Otabek best, weird and prickly. He smiled. "Could you imagine me with a bunch of hydrangeas or gerbera?"

Yuri laughed his low, raspy, honest laugh. "Now that you mention it, that thing suits you pretty damn well!" He took a step towards Otabek and looked at him with so much fondness in his eyes that Otabek's heart beat faster. "It's really weird at first glance, but it has its own fascinating beauty if you just look at it a second time."

"Yuri", he whispered, because his voice wouldn't work, but before he could form a decent train of thought the saleslady called them over:

"Now, that should do it, do you pay cash or with credit card?"

Yuri gave him a grin and turned away, leaving Otabek with a red face and heavy beating heart. "Cash, please", he pressed out and went over to the cash register.

с

Time seemed to fly so fast when Otabek desperately wanted it to run slow. It was nice to watch Yuri work screws into the particle board pieces of the cupboard, his white fingers deft and and eager and his cheeks a rosy pink. A strand of hair fell into his face and he pushed it back again and again, just to have it fall back over his forehead immediately again. "Motherfucking…", he cursed under his breath, tying his messy bun three times anew before he managed to catch all the wavy strands in the elastic. Otabek really tried to be eloquent working on the furniture, but it was so hard when Yuri bit down on his lower lip as he concentrated to read the instructions manual right or furrow his brows trying to figure out which screw belonged to which part of the cupboard.

In the evening they took a break, sharing a deep frozen potato gratin they had picked up from the convenience store on their way back to Otabek's flat. They warmed it up in the mini oven and the scent of grilled cheese and potatoes made the room feel so much more at home that ever before. They both burned their tongues on the food and Yuri cursed laughing.

After dinner Yuri made Otabek sit on the one chair they had built together already. "I better cut your hair now, who knows when we have the opportunity again", he said and Otabek gladly let it happen. The buzzing of the machine sounded familiar next to his ears and Yuri was very careful and gentle, trimming away the shorter sides so the tiny hair laid like a thin black blanket on the towel around Otabek's shoulders and on the floor around the chair.

"Have a look", Yuri said when he was finished.

Otabek got up and went to the bathroom, tuning his head to watch himself in the mirror with the missing corner. "Looks good", he stated and ran his hands over the short hair, then unwrapped the towel from his shoulders.

When he came back to his room he found Yuri sitting on the corner of the bed, crying.

"Yuri", he whispered, hurrying over and sitting down next to the blonde. "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Yuri let his head hang, burying his face in his hands. "I'm sorry", he sobbed, his shoulders trembling. "It shouldn't have been me. It's all so wrong."

"What are you talking about?", Otabek asked, making his voice sound as soft as possible.

"She should have been with you, Otabek", Yuri exclaimed. "Khaligazh. She loved you."

Otabek didn't understand. He wrapped his arms around Yuri and pulled the boy close and Yuri let it happen. He hid his face in the crook of Otabek's neck and sobbed. His fingers gripped Otabek's sweater like he never wanted to let him go.

"I know", he said, finally, because of course he knew. He hadn't thought about Khaligazh for some time, because it just wasn't necessary. She was with him, always, she was within him. They had been so close since the day they had been born. On the same day even. More like brother and sister than just friends really they had understood each other without a word. Otabek had been stoic, shy and Khaligazh too mature for her age and old-fashioned and somehow they had complemented each other. She had been there when he had needed her and vice versa. She kept the breaking parts of him together. Maybe they had been meant to be. Just that one day Yuri had happened. And as much as Khaligazh was still a part of who Otabek was, the glue that held him together, the steady hands to pick up what crumbled away from him, she wasn't the one to set him on fire. Of course she had loved him, and Otabek had loved her, too. Maybe they would have gotten married one day, have a family and grow old together; just because they worked well together. It would have been enough. But only if he had never learned what love felt like - real, honest, deep, painful love.

"Why do you tell me that now", he murmured into Yuri's hair.

"Because she used to be there for you", the boy sobbed. "She was the one to- to cut your hair and I… I took that from her, now. I took everything from her. You. You should have been together. She loved you so much. When I met her, when I came to Almaty… I understood what Agape is. What it means to love and love s-so much that you give yourself up to make the one you love happy. I understood that Agape is really… so… terrible. B-because it only hurts people. And now here I am, taking you away from everyone, hurting them, your friends and your family, and her and… and it hurts you too, it hurts you so much and is… is that a-all I can? H-hurt everyone?"

"That's not true", Otabek murmured. He was surprised himself about how calm his voice was. "You don't. You're good for me. You have always been. And she knows that, Yuri. She knows how much I love you and that I need you to live. When I left Almaty she knew I'd find you. She believed in me and this love I feel for you. You never hurt her. You gave her hope that I would be fine. And she was right, too." He kissed Yuri's temple and made Yuri look up with careful fingertips under a dainty chin. "I'm fine, Yuri. You make me."

Golden lashed fluttered shut over green-blue eyes when Otabek leaned in and kissed Yuri. Slowly, carefully. He didn't have to prove anything with that kiss. Yuri believed him. The way he kissed him back, soft and sweet, told Otabek.

He wasn't fine, nor was Yuri. But they would be.

"I do what I can", Yuri whispered when he broke the kiss. His cheeks glittered from tears and the flush of his face made him look younger, innocent. "You mean so much to me after all." He smiled, his lips so pink and kissable and Otabek leaned in again, just because he could.

He held Yuri until the tears had dried.

"You're beautiful like that", Yuri murmured and ran his fingers through Otabek's thick black locks. "With your hair longer. It suits you."

"Thank you."

"Otabek?", Yuri whispered. "You had fun today, didn't you?"

He nodded without a moment of hesitation. "I did. Thank you." He smiled, and he felt it. "But Yuri…"

"Hm?"

"Next time", he said, "let me take you out for a proper date, okay?"

The blush on Yuri's face was still a sweet pink when he smiled brightly at Otabek. "Okay!"