Jiraya vs England

"The weirdest thing just happened to me," Jiraiya declares, bursting into the room.

Minato glances up from the couch, and the ever-growing pile of paperwork in front of him (Kushina had convinced him to take a day off, but somehow that had turned into working from home — he's sure she won't be happy when she comes home and finds him doing anything but sitting back and relaxing, like she'd firmly ordered him to do) and gives him a smile. "Sensei. Hi."

"Kid, seriously. It was weird." He throws himself down on the couch beside Minato, and some of the papers fall to the floor. Minato bites back a sigh.

Jiraiya continues to speak.

"So I've been back in the village since this morning, and this kid just kept following me around. Literally everywhere I went, he was a few steps behind. Hiding behind trees, behind bushes — and he was really bad at it, I knew he was there the whole time — "

Minato raises an eyebrow. "And you didn't ask him why he was following you?"

"I was curious, okay? I figured he might be a fan of mine or something. I am a Sannin."

Minato blinks. "Okay. Was he a fan?"

Jiraiya grimaces. "No — look, I'm getting to that. So I made my way over to one of the bathhouses — "

"…Even though you knew a kid was following you?"

"Hey, I didn't ask the brat to stalk me. Anyway, I'm just having a quick look inside — "

Minato bites back a sigh and thinks, 'Sensei, really?'

" — and suddenly the kid bursts out from behind a bush and starts yelling all this crazy stuff about frogs and perverts, and — something called French? I don't know, but all the noise he was making made everyone come running out. They threw me out! But not before trying to kill me — can you believe that?"

Minato gives him a flat look.

"I know right? Anyway so I ask the kid what the hell he thinks he's doing, and he says that he knew it was me, and that my toads had apparently given me away? And he said he'd read my book. I thought he meant Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi, but no, he was talking about Icha Icha. Because some brat who looks like he can't be older than four is reading Icha Icha, and apparently I'm the pervert here."

Minato's brow furrows. He thinks about who his former sensei could be talking about, but his mind comes up blank.

"How'd he look?" he asks.

"Really short," Jiraiya says, scowling. "Black hair, kind of long, black eyes — kind of looks like an Uchiha, come to think of it…"

Minato frowns. The description sounds really familiar, but he can't quite put his finger on who it is. Probably an Uchiha from the description, but which one?

" — So I'm trying to ask the kid what the hell he's talking about, and he keeps saying 'I know it's you, you can't lie to me' — and so I tried to figure out who he thought I was, and he kept calling me 'France' whoever the hell that is. Shit — did the kid mistake me for someone else? Seriously? Me?"

The door opens and Kushina walks in. Kushina's best friend, Mikoto, walks in next to her, and there's a smaller figure clutching at Mikoto's hand.

Minato's brain stutters to a halt, and he thinks, 'Oh.'

Well, he doesn't know Itachi Uchiha well, but from what he has heard, it kind of makes sense? He never would've taken the kid as an Icha Icha fan though. He wonders if Fugaku knows.

"Mum, let go of me!" Itachi says, squirming as Mikoto grips firmly onto his hand. "I need to be out looking for that perverted frog! You have no idea what he's capable of — "

He glances up, and his eyes zero on Jiraiya.

They both speak at the same time. "You!"

Kushina looks between Jiraiya and Itachi, her brow furrowed. "You…know each other?"

"You!" Jiraiya says again, leaping to his feet. "You got me kicked out of the bathhouse!"

Kushina turns to Minato, bewildered. "Uh, what did I miss?"

"I don't even know," Minato tells her, shaking his head. Seriously, nothing in this situation makes much sense, and he likes to think he has pretty great observational skills.

"What did I even do to you?" Jiraiya demands. "I just write the books, I didn't ask you to read them."

"What?" Kushina says.

"What?" Mikoto says, dangerously.

"He means the Gutsy Shinobi," Minato tells Mikoto, because he's seen Kushina's best friend in action, and she's honestly kind of terrifying. He's pretty sure that if he doesn't defuse the situation, she's probably going to try and claw Jiraiya's eyes out.

"Let me tell you the story of how I came across that atrocious Icha Icha series," Itachi says, because he obviously doesn't give a damn about Jiraiya's survival. "I was looking in local bookstores, trying to find something to read because, goddammit, I miss my literature. But there was nothing — this place seems devoid of good literature. Instead I simply find piles of books on how to be a good ninja, and the history of this blasted village — dammit I don't want to know about any of that, I just want a good thriller, or comedy, or mystery, or maybe a nice book of poetry! Would that be so bad?"

He's started gesturing wildly with his hands. Minato, Jiraiya and Kushina stare at him, open mouthed. Mikoto seems calmer now, and is eyeing her son with exasperated fondness.

"And then I came across those books — and I thought, why not? They sounded like a nice little set of romance tales to assuage my boredom somewhat. Things have been terribly boring lately, what with Shisui out of the village, and Mum refusing to allow me to have anymore dango."

"You don't need all that sugar, sweetie," Mikoto tells him calmly.

Itachi huffs but continues his tale. "So anyway, I thought, why not? I stole some money from Dad's emergency stash — "

"Itachi!"

" — and bought the lot of them. I read them…and I was horrified."

Jiraiya winces. "Well, I think that's a bit harsh — "

"Obviously only a true pervert could write such tales. I decided to do some research on the author, simply because this seems to be quite a small village, and I was sure I'd bump into them at some point. I wanted to tell them exactly what I thought about their ridiculous books."

"Ridiculous? Kid, I swear — "

"And then I found out that it was you! Jiraiya, a Sannin — which really didn't mean much to me — but do you know what did matter? You could apparently summon toads!"

He pauses dramatically. Everyone stared at him, uncomprehending.

"It took a moment for it to click, but then it all made sense. Toads — of course! They're quite close to frogs aren't they?"

He directs the question at Jiraiya, his tone derisive. Jiriya looks bewildered. "Uh, I guess?"

"It made me think, really think, and I realised that it all made sense. After all, I couldn't be the only one who had ended up here, right? And it would make sense that, out of everyone, I would be unlucky enough to get stuck here with you. Tell me, was the use of toads intentional? They are quite similar to frogs, after all, and it makes sense that you'd want me to know it was you."

"Or perhaps it was really the opposite, and this was a poor attempt at hiding in plain sight! Unfortunately, your perverted behaviour gave you away. I followed you around the whole village today, observing your behaviour, and I'm sure that it's you!"

Itachi takes a deep breath, and then crosses his arms over his chest, staring expectantly at Jiraiya.

Minato glances at his former sensei and sees that he looks too stunned to say anything.

"Well, Frog? Nothing to say?"

"Uh…" Jiraiya's mouth opens and closes for a moment, before he settles on, "You're actually insane?"

"He's a kid," Kushina says, rolling her eyes. "Besides, you are a pervert."

Itachi takes a few steps forward, his eyes narrowed dangerously. He actually looks kind of adorable, and Minato would focus on this a lot more if he wasn't so confused. "Well, Frog, what's it going to be? Now that you know I'm on to you, what will you do? Try to declare war on me? Conquer my land? Make fun of my hair? Well guess what — this is a different world, there is nothing for you to conquer, no colonies for you to steal, and these — " He jabs a hand towards his head, " — silky, luxurious locks are so much better than yours."

Jiraiya blinks. "Um…good for you kid?"

"Oh, you can play innocent all you want, but I know who you really are!"

Mikoto snaps out of her stupor, and reaches out to grab onto Itachi's arm.

"Okay, that's it," she tells him, her voice stern. "We're going home, and you're going to tell me exactly why you've been reading things that you really shouldn't be reading at your age."

"But mum!" Itachi protested, turning his attention to her. "I was investigating."

"You can investigate in your room — where you'll be going to as soon as we get home, and where you'll be staying in for the rest of the day. No lunch, no tea."

Itachi's eyes widen in horror. "No! You can't do that!"

"I can, and I will."

"You — you're just like America! Trying to take my tea away from me — well it didn't work then, and it won't work this time either!"

Mikoto sighs. "Sweetie, I've told you before, I don't know who America is. And you're still grounded."

"Gah!"

Jiraiya lets out a snort of laughter, which cuts of abruptly when Mikoto levels a dangerous glare in his direction.

After Itachi and Mikoto have left, Jiraiya shudders. "That woman is beautiful, but strangely terrifying."

"Yup, that's my best friend," Kushina says, cheery and proud. "Also — Itachi is one weird kid. Cute, but really weird."

Minato decides that he completely agrees.