CHAPTER 13:

TSUNDERE TSUNAMI TSUKIUMI!

"IT'S RAPING MY FACE(1)!"

Well, the undead monkey named for me by Barbossa wasn't actually raping Minaka's face, but considering the respective positions of pointy bits and orifices as it clung to his skull, that conclusion could be reached erroneously and understandably. Still, such an occurrence was hilarious, to say the least. Even Miya enjoyed it, despite her usual stance on lewd things, so she was watching it, along with Homura, Uzume, and my Flock, as Matsu hacked into security cameras at MBI.

"Don't worry, sir, we'll get it off you!" a security guard yelled, before swatting at Minaka's face with the butt of his rifle. The monkey leapt free in time with a chittering shriek (I'm pretty sure that was undead monkey-lingo for 'GERONIMO!') and scampered off, and Minaka's face, already covered in scratches, gained a broken nose, a split lip, and a massive bruise. Oh, and his glasses were askew. I get the feeling that missing the monkey and messing Minaka's mien (hey, alliteration ahoy!) was wholly deliberate on the part of the guard. I could see my mother on the feed smirking.

"Yes, Albedo, I want you to have my glorious part-demon lovechild! Allow me to roger you most vigorously. I'll just get the honey and the daikon radish(2)," Minaka slurred, before collapsing to the floor.

"…Sergeant," my mother said. "We'll take him down to the infirmary. God knows what diseases that creature had. He will need vaccinations for everything under the sun, including those experimental filovirus vaccines we've been working on for the World Health Organisation(3)."

"Do we need those vaccination, ma'am?" the guard asked.

My mother merely smirked. "No, we'll just wash our hands and have a few blood tests. That monkey may have been domesticated, given its dress, but in an animal attack, better to be safe than sorry."

"Oh my," Miya tittered as Uzume rolled on the floor, laughing up what seemed like half a lung. "Dr Sahashi is using this as an excuse to turn Minaka into a pincushion. What a vicious woman."

"Not all of us can do a Hannya mask," I remarked. "Some of us mere mortals have to make do with creative revenges, savvy?" She turned at me with that sweet, fake smile and, of course, Old Faithful peeking out from behind her. "Really?" I asked, deadpan. "That can't be your go-to answer for everything."

"Still, he's got a point," Kazehana said. "Remember all those vaccines the scientists stuck us with? Especially all those in the arse? I couldn't sit down for a week."

Miya, after a moment's thought, shrugged, the Hannya going away. "Hmm. Well, to be vulgar for once, Minaka is very much a pain in the rear, so now it is his turn to experience that very thing." She scowled slightly. "He groped me a little while giving me my first vaccine, I'm sure of it."

"They didn't grope me a little," Akitsu said softly. "I…only want my Ashikabi to do anything like that."

This killed the mood somewhat. The thing was, this whole Sekirei Plan, this tournament, it objectified these beings. Treated them like sex objects, like collectables, like things. It didn't help that most Sekirei were cute girls or attractive women. Even the few males I've seen so far, like Homura or Mutsu, were bishounen.

But they were people. True, they were aliens, and they had this weird notion of love at first sight, or rather, first kiss. But they were also people, with wants and desires of their own. And here they were, being treated like this.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, I sometimes didn't have much respect for people's lives. I remember when Davy Jones cornered me, and I agreed to his little deal to give him the lives of others in exchange for my freedom. Okay, that was a bit of a delaying tactic so I could get that squid-faced bastard's heart for leverage, but still, they'd be the backup plan. Though it stung somewhat to lie about leaving Will to rot on the Dutchman. I mean, it all worked out in the end…but I pretty much left him there.

But over time, I've had a better respect for them. I still tend to put me first, but it doesn't mean I will leave people out to dry if they're innocent.

Given poor Akitsu's melancholy disposition, I made the decision. "Fleet Admiral, if you don't mind, I will be taking this bonny lass for an expedition to have some shore leave, if you catch my drift."

She did, as did my other Sekirei. Akitsu smiled, as did Kazehana. Matsu looked a bit miffed, but as my third Sekirei (well, my second officially, but Akitsu I had retained second, even before I Winged her), she was a little down the old totem pole. Miya said, "Well, as long as you both want to, and you keep it outside this establishment, I won't object. In truth, I hope you make her very happy."

"Aye-aye, Fleet Admiral," I said, snapping off a facetious salute. "In any case, I may have to keep Akitsu by my side more often. If Tsukiumi has issues against me, and tries to attack…well, while I don't deny Kazehana here can beat her, water can get frozen very easily."

"Even so, I'd suggest being careful anyway," Uzume said, recovering from her fit of laughter. "Tsukiumi is a Single Number, after all. I mean, so is Akitsu and Kazehana, but, well, you get what I mean."

I nodded. "I'm treating this seriously, Uzume. I have no intention of dying, savvy?"

Now, it's pretty interesting to contrast Kazehana with Akitsu. True, it was both their first time, but they were fairly different in the way they approached sex, though I'm sure that this was due to their differing personalities. Kazehana was confident, not dominating, but not submissive. Akitsu, however, was definitely submissive. Even after Tia Dalma fixed her, she was still subdued and quiet, with a submissive air, albeit with some sparks of personality that were mostly absent when she was a Scrapped Number.

That being said, like Kazehana, she wasn't afraid to let me know when things worked, and when they didn't. And there was a mildly perverted streak that the former Scrapped Number had pretty much hidden beneath a quiet demeanour. At least in Akitsu's case, well, you know what they say about the quiet ones…

Anyway, after a tiring but happy session, we checked out of the love hotel, only for us to come across a cat running into us. It allowed Akitsu to pick it up, and the cat purred gently as she petted it. Then, we heard a somewhat unwelcome voice. "Oi, kid! Can you gimme that cat?"

The cat looked at the source of the voice and hissed. Kaoru Seo. Of course he'd be here. "This your cat?" I asked. "Only, given how you needed to mooch food off Miya…"

"What? Oh, no, that's just a cat that went missing from its owners," Seo said. He managed to get the cat away from Akitsu, much to said moggy's irritation. "Trying to get the reward, you know. Three days, it's taken me to track this damned cat down."

"Why d'you need the reward?" I asked. "Didn't Minaka buy your signed copies of my books off eBay?" And now that I came to think about it, why did Karasuba come to sign Minaka's copies?

"Oh? Oh, someone apparently stole the books he bought off eBay from me," Seo said with a shrug. "Anyway, have you seen the amount of food a Sekirei can put away? You're lucky you're staying with Miya."

"Yeah, speaking of, what exactly is she? Besides a Sekirei?"

After a moment, Seo said, "Take it from me, kid, it's not something you want to discuss in public. It's a long story, and one that might get you in trouble. And frankly, I don't wanna get in trouble with Miya, as you well know. Ask her yourself, and be nice about it, and maybe she might tell you."

"Seo!" A pair of familiar forms landed nearby. Hibiki and Hikari, dressed up in those BDSM clothes of theirs.

Seo grinned. "Oh, great! Look, I found the damned moggy, and…"

"Never mind about that! We're in trouble!" Hibiki yelled.

"Avaunt, knave!" yelled a voice from above, and I dodged to the side in time to avoid being knocked to the ground by a newcomer. A very familiar one.

Blonde hair framing a beautiful, if stern, face. A white dress, and a black coat, the hemline ridiculously short, enough to show her panties if she so much as moved, never mind a gentle breeze. And one of the biggest pair of breasts I have seen, though not the biggest. I wasn't sure whether that'd be Akitsu, Musubi, or Kazehana.

It seemed that I had met Tsukiumi sooner than I had thought.

When she looked at me, she seemed to do a double take, flushing heavily. Some sort of mental trigger went off in her brain, and I noticed the very dangerous look she was giving me. Akitsu, knowing what was about to happen, carefully interposed herself between me and Tsukiumi.

So, I said the first thing that came to mind. "Parley!" I said, holding up my hand.

"…Parley? Really?" Seo remarked in disbelief.

Tsukiumi looked at me incredulously, engaging in some inner debate, between an impulse to drown me, and the declaration of parley. Eventually, the latter, incredibly, won out. "Thou hath read the chronicles of the buccaneer Jack Sparrow too?"

"Sweetheart, he wrote them," Seo said. And I winced. Okay, I WAS going to tell Tsukiumi that, but he just cut through the preamble.

"This knave hath written that chronicle?" Tsukiumi asked incredulously, peering at me with understandable scepticism. "But the author is Jack Teague, an English name!"

"It's a nom de plume, a pseudonym, savvy?" I said. "Look, the name's Minato Sahashi. This lass is Akitsu, Number 07."

"Nay, this cannot be!" Tsukiumi snapped. "The last I heard tell, Akitsu was naught but a Scrapped Number, may her adjuster be forever damned to perdition for it!"

"I am no Scrapped Number now," Akitsu said softly.

"…You know, we should be fighting her, but I actually find myself craving popcorn," Hikari said.

"Okay, let's calm down," I said, looking at Tsukiumi. Her face seemed to be set in a perpetual scowl, which was a shame, given that it was a lovely face. "I've been told you have issues about being Winged. Before I ask you anything further, I'll let you know that I will not Wing any Sekirei against their will, including you. Savvy?"

Tsukiumi blinked, as if this hadn't even occurred to her. Then, her eyes narrowed. "Thou art embarking on an expedition into the realms of duplicity(4), monkey!"

"I'm not a monkey, lass, though if you want, I can introduce you to an undead monkey. Anyway, I need to ask, why are you so set on not having an Ashikabi?"

Eventually, Tsukiumi said, "I need no mere human to be strong. My intention is to conquer this game through mine own strength and will. And…by all that is good in the world, what art thou doing?!"

She was looking past me at Seo and his Sekirei. The three were kissing deeply and intimately. "Tsukiumi…he's activating their Norito," I said.

Hibiki and Hikari flung out their hands. "By the thunderclap of our contract," they chorused, "pierce the misfortunes of my Ashikabi!"

Without thinking, I grabbed both Akitsu and Tsukiumi, leaping to the side as a massive thunderbolt slammed down from the skies. Still, the shockwave from the lightning knocked me silly, and by the time I was anywhere near properly conscious again, Tsukiumi was already mid-tirade. "…but thou do not break the sacred testaments of parley!"

"I ain't a pirate, and neither are you," Seo said, as I struggled to my feet, helped by Akitsu.

Tsukiumi scowled…well, more than she usually did, but just as she was about to unleash an attack, water writhing around her like a living thing, I held up my hand. "Okay, stop. Seo, that was a dick move. And it's worth pointing out at this junction that Tsukiumi is reacting to me, so could you refrain from attacking her until she decides she wants me dead?"

"What? Word on the grapevine is that she'd kill any idiot who she'd react to!" Seo scoffed, understandably sceptical.

"I was trying to talk her down from that. Now, kindly bugger off and get the reward for that cat, before Tsukiumi decides to wash you away and have you lose it. Savvy?"

"…Your funeral, kid. Come on, girls, let's get going. There's no helping some suicidal people…"

As he slouched off, his Sekirei in tow and the cat in arm, Tsukiumi looked at me, conflicted. "Thou tried to save mine person from their Norito. Thou giveth me a choice betwixt being Winged or not. Fie upon thee, this is so vexing!" She peered at Akitsu suspiciously. "And how many Sekirei doth thee hath in thine Flock?"

"Crew. I call them my crew. And to date, three. Akitsu here, of course, Number 03, Kazehana, and Number 02, Matsu. We're lodging with other Sekirei at Maison Izumo, but the landlady makes the residence neutral ground, and she is more than a little scary. Look, if you join, physical intimacy beyond maybe kisses and hugs is wholly optional. But if you don't want to join, if you don't want to be Winged, then I'll let you go off and do what you want. I won't stop you. Freedom of choice…that's the foundation of a pirate's life, savvy?"

Tsukiumi looked at me, clearly gears turning in her head. After looking between me and Akitsu, she eventually decided, "To my eternal chagrin, I believe that I hath misjudged thee…Minato, was it not? Thine actions in attempting to save me from those blackguards' attack showed that." Her blush was getting stronger, and she was all but beginning to pant. "Thou hast a strong spirit, even if thy language is uncouth and vulgar. Tis vexing, and yet…thou giveth me a choice. I wouldst like to understand thee more." She walked forward, and peered into my eyes. "Know this, Minato Sahashi. I shalt be the sole arbiter of thine demise." With that, she leaned forward, and began kissing me. And once more, I was witness to a spectacular display of wings of light emanating from a Sekirei's back. Then, she broke away, her expression softening. "This, then, be our troth, the beginning of a most holy matrimony, that shalt go on for all eternity."

"…Umm, should we get a priest or something?" I asked.

Tsukiumi pursed her lips, before she shook her head. "This Winging is enough." Her green eyes flickered over to Akitsu. "Know then, Akitsu, that I be our Ashikabi's one true spouse."

"Hey, don't hurt her feelings, okay?" I said. "We're in this together now. Incidentally, how would you like to see a monkey rape Minaka's face?"

Tsukiumi blinked, before her habitual scowl returned. "Art thou trying to corrupt me with foul, licentious images?"

"Well, it's not exactly licentious. It's not really rape. But if you want to see Minaka get taken down a peg or two, we have video."

Tsukiumi debated with herself, before a slight smile came across her features. "Aye…I believe I may indulge…"

CHAPTER 13 ANNOTATIONS:

So, there you have it. Minato managed to talk down Tsukiumi (helped somewhat by Seo being an idiot), and has gained her as a Sekirei. Which ought to be interesting…

God, it's hard typing out Tsukiumi's pseudo-Shakespearean babble. Okay, she doesn't do it in the manga, but as I already said she speaks that way in a previous chapter, well…yeah. It's still fun, though.

Review-answering time! Tsamoka: I'll think about it.

1. This is something I cribbed from Chapter 68 of Nobody Dies, a brilliant Neon Genesis Evangelion fic by Gregg Landsman. I wholeheartedly recommend it. It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, though usually more of the former than the latter.

2. Albedo, of course, is the yandere demon from the light novel and anime series Overlord (not to be confused with the game series), which I bloody love. Minaka's non-sequitur was something not unlike the ones I used in my abortive Cthulhu Mythos crossover Madness, Chaos and Wagtails.

3. For those without a knowledge of virology, filoviruses are scary. How scary? They include the Ebola viruses and the Marburg viruses. Yeah. That's right.

4. Given Tsukiumi's flowery language, I thought, instead of having her merely say 'you're lying!' to Minato, I would modify a quote from the oft-maligned Doctor Who serial Timelash, something the Borad uses. Instead of saying 'you're lying', he asks, "Another expedition into the realms of duplicity?" The Borad was one of the better elements of that story, by the way.