Harry Potter One Shot #2

A/N: Just a quick little thing I wrote in an hour to poke a bit of fun at all the HP time travel stories where Harry just accepts he's time traveled in a calm and civilized manner. Something which I sincerely doubt any of us would do.

Vernon Dursley shuffled over into the living room in his new bathrobe and planted himself in his oversized armchair. He unfurled his Saturday newspaper and shook it straight with a content sigh. He had just received a 4% bump on his paycheck at Grunnings this past week and on top of that he made an extra 50 quid from a friendly wager with a co-worker when his favorite sports team had made it to the semi-finals.

Suffice to say life was going pretty good.

He removed the cartoon section of the paper and set it aside for his wife with a smile. Perhaps he'd take Petunia and Dudley out to celebrate tonight. That new restaurant on eighth street looked pretty good. Why he was in such a good mood he might even get a kids meal to-go and bring it back for...the boy.

Yes. Why not? There'd been no incidents of freakishness in nearly six weeks time. He'd done all his chores in a timely manner and had been perfectly behaved for that Figg lady who owned all the cats. He deserved a little reward. Not a big one. Never a big one. But a small one sure.

His good mood abruptly ended when a single word rang out through the house.

"FUCK!" a small voice yelled from inside the cupboard under the stairs.

The sound of two feet banging angrily against the small door rang out four times before on the fifth iteration the tiny old lock snapped off the wood and the door shot open.

An undersized child emerged from the hole in the wall and looked around at the house with immense displeasure. "Oh...you have got to be SHITTING ME!" he screamed in anger.

Aunt Petunia appeared from her bedroom in a pink robe and her hair full of overnight curlers with a look of alarm marring her face. Dudley clamored out of his primary bedroom still in his pajamas and peered over the top of the stairs to look down at his cousin.

"GOD...DAMN IT!" Harry bellowed as he grabbed a picture off the wall and smashed it on the ground to release some of his anger.

The sound of glass shattering finally snapped Vernon out of his stupor and the man rose from his chair and started descending on Harry with fury on his rapidly purpling face. He raised his arms up to throttle the little shit when Harry finally saw the man coming at him.

"Oh sit down you oversized walrus." he breathed out in an exasperated tone. Harry waved his hand in Vernon's direction and the armchair behind the man shot forward to knock the mans legs out from under him and cause him to fall back into the cushioned seat. Once it had its occupant back the armchair flew back to its original position.

Petunia shrieked at the casual use of magic and Dudley's eyes practically shot out of his head in disbelief at what he was seeing. Vernon's face somehow turned a deeper shade of purple but a touch of genuine fear kept him trying to rise out of his seat again.

Harry sighed with eyes closed as he rubbed his forehead with one hand in an attempt to calm himself down. He opened his eyes and gazed down disdainfully at the family photo he shattered in stress relief.

With another resigned sigh he snapped his fingers twice at the picture and stalked off to the kitchen. The picture levitated off the ground and returned to the wall whilst the fragmented glass shards reformed into a solid plane and swiftly followed.

The Dursley family were all still frozen in their respective places as they listened to the sound of Harry rummaging through their kitchen. Vernon was gripping the arms of his chair so tightly his knuckles were whitening and Dudley was looking to his parents for guidance. Thus it was left to Petunia to make the first move.

She crept so slowly that her feet barely lifted off the ground with each step she took. Upon reaching the side door of the kitchen she peered into the room and watched Harry fry up some bacon while grumbling to himself.

"….don't mess around with time magic Potter they said...it's forbidden for a reason they said...never goddamn listen do I..." the boy mumbled before picking up a spare frying pan and looking at his reflection on the underside. He ran a finger across his scar and scowled. "Great. Now the piece of Tom is back too. Fan-fucking-tastic." he spat before tossing the pan aside.

Harry caught sight of Petunia's head peaking in the door and gestured for her to come in before returning his attention to the sizzling bacon.

Petunia opened her mouth to speak, not sure what question she was even going to ask, but Harry beat her to it.

"What day is it? On the calendar I mean." he asked while moving the meat around the pan with some metal tongs.

"Oc-October 31st." she stammered out.

Harry chuckled darkly. "Halloween. Why is it always fucking Halloween?" Harry sighed. "Thank you Petunia but I meant the year as well."

Petunia seemed confused but answered anyway. "1989."

Harry looked down at his small frame as though assessing it. "So I'm nine. Hmmm. Seems right I guess." He turned his gaze back to the stove and started lifting the bacon out of the pan and onto a plate for it to cool. "Soon as I'm done with breakfast I'll be out of your hair." he mentioned offhandedly.

"Where are you going?" Petunia wondered aloud not knowing if she wanted the answer.

"Don't know. No way in hell I'm staying here though. Haven't stayed in this house in two decades and I sure as shit am not starting today."

Petunia's retort was cut off and an involuntary shriek escaped her mouth when an eagle flew into the house through an open window and landed on her kitchen counter. The bird of prey extended it's leg towards Harry to show a small capsule attached that was used to ferry messages to and fro.

Harry opened the capsule as though it were business as usual and there was nothing strange about having a eagle in the kitchen. "That girl. Never one to use just a plain old owl is she? I guess I should just be thankful it wasn't something with six wings that ended up flying over Surrey." he said mostly to himself.

He unfurled the small note and saw Luna's distinctive handwriting.

Sweetheart I don't think the experiment worked quite right.

Harry scoffed and stuffed the piece of paper into his pocket.

"Yeah, you can say that again."