«Nine Months»

Everything belongs to Sui Ishida.

Summary:
Four different stages of Touka's pregnancy. Probably shortly after chapter 128. One-shot.

—o—

I.

He often finds her playing with the kids.

She's silent, yet her silence is loud. It speaks through him like a gentle breeze ushering words he can't quite understand, puzzles he cannot quite put together yet, an image he keeps staring at as his lips part futilely.

It became like some sort of routine.

Kaneki doesn't know the why. Maybe there isn't any why at all. Touka likes children, he knows that. Hinami is the living proof of that fact, but to spend her days around with those kids instead of doing something else—when she was the one who desperately told him how much she wanted to be part of his plans— it suddenly starts to catch his attention.

"Have you seen Touka-chan?"

The answer is always the same.

"She's with the kids."

Not even Hinami devotes so much of her time to them as Touka does now, and Kaneki finds himself unable to find a convincing answer.

She sits with them, holding a wrinkled book she doesn't read and a white cup of coffee she doesn't drink. It's getting colder in her hands, yet she doesn't make the slightest attempt to take a sip. Touka stares at them, and that seems to be the only thing she does every time Kaneki spots her silhouette from afar while working on Naki's lessons or planning their next strategy with Tsukiyama. Touka keeps her eyes fixed on the children as they play. She doesn't speak, she doesn't move, she just stares at them. The way they run, they way they laugh, the way they breathe life from every single one of their pores when everything around them smells like death. In her eyes there's something he can't see, something that she's trying to figure out and Kaneki is unable to perceive. He doesn't want to admit it, but it drives him insane.

Once he's done with his work, he approaches towards their spot with his hands jammed inside his pockets. The kids greet him with smiles and giggles and seconds later they resume their game, rapidly getting bored of the presence of adults. However, the little girl stares. She sits in a corner, hidden from the king's shadow, and her curious little eyes dwell in the way Touka follows him to a corner, both trying to seek for a little privacy.

They talk for long minutes, with eyes that occasionally wander around to make sure they're not being observed. The girl smiles when Kaneki strokes Touka's arm, his hand softly sliding down to grab hers as their fingers play a sheepish dance. Touka absently adjusts something around his neck as they keep talking, nodding and whispering things to each other. Once they're done—Kaneki's eyes rapidly peering around to assure the loneliness—he leans down to her mouth and presses a soft kiss on her lips. It lasts six seconds, the little girl counted it. He breaks the kiss, they keep their foreheads united for a moment. He whispers something, she nods, then he leaves.

However, during long minutes Touka remains standing in the same place he's left her. Her body stiffens, gazing the cold spot that Kaneki's presence has just left empty. When she turns around ready to join them again with pale features and a hand weekly resting on her belly, the little girl knows something is not right.

But she's still too young and naive to care. So when Touka takes a seat and blurts out a sigh, the little girl gives her a rosy-cheeked smile, trying to contain her chuckles. Touka knows she's aware of certain things, so she smiles back, placing a finger on her own lips.

Shhhh.

The child nods, excited to know that she now shares an important secret with Touka. She won't say anything about the kiss, of course, but even after she resumes her game with her friends and her heart rapidly forgets about such event, there's something still lingering at the back of her head.

Why did Touka look so sad after speaking to the king?

—o—

You have time.

You still have time.

He watches her breathe. Her breasts, bare now, rise and fall in a slow cadence. Kaneki holds her in his arms, and every time he does his hands titter like the first time he's touched her. He can almost see it, he can almost go back to the moment it started, relive it in the way that his fingers get lost in her hair, pulling it slightly to adjust the shape of her mouth against his. Touka laughs at the way his eager hands try to be all over the place, never getting enough, running his thumb across her perked nipples and turning that gentle little giggle into a broken moan. A revenge, perhaps.

She makes him shudder like a fool.

The lights have died hours ago inside that room yet her body comes back to life whenever he touches her. She lets him, eyes falling shut, wrapping her arms around his neck as Kaneki blindly carries her towards his bed, and Touka reminds herself that they have time. They have time.

You still have time. Don't rush things, you have time.

Time, time…

Somehow Touka ignores the notion that, perhaps, time is the last thing she has.

She holds her breath as Kaneki kisses her neck, trailing his warm tongue across her collar bone as his lips venture lower and reach the flat skin of her belly, landing one kiss to the skin there, making her body writhe.

Touka gasps, opening her eyes, fear burning every single nerve inside of her at the sight of Kaneki kissing her stomach. You don't have time. You don't have time. Stop, stop, stop, stop—

"S-Stop."

Kaneki pulls back just to look at her, hands securing her hips in a firm grip. He doesn't quite understand what she says, and doesn't look too troubled by her sudden interruption.

"What?"

She's kneeling on the mattress, hands traveling towards Kaneki's shoulders to gain some balance and sit back on the bed, matching his height. Her body quivers like a damn pig.

"I — I have…"

I have something to tell you.

"Touka."

She's not looking at him, and Kaneki frowns when he realizes she looks like she's about to cry.

"I need t-to… I—"

"Touka," he speaks firmly this time, hand traveling to her face to brush away the sweaty hair sticking to her cheeks. "What's wrong?"

Don't tell him. Not yet, not yet, you have time… you—

Kaneki is starting to lose it. She's not speaking, nor looking at him, her hands remain on his shoulders and the grip of her fingers against his skin feels like her entire self is going to shatter if she doesn't hold on onto something—him.. And Kaneki realizes that is terrifying.

"Touka," he speaks once again, hoping that she will listen. She blinks, looking at him, feeling her cheeks being caught in the palm of his hands, she realizes now how big they are, how tender and warm they feel against her skin. Hands that hurt and kill and crack fingers but transform into something completely different when it comes to her. He holds her face like a treasure, eyes sparkling with fear. "What is it? Tell me."

Her eyes loiter on the spaces around his lips, red and swollen from her kisses. The way that his eyes wait for an answer, sparkling with both fear and desire, hands stroking her cheeks and hiding locks of hair behind her ear. He's beautiful, and she's terrified of losing him.

The air grows thinner when she kisses him, a gasp from his lips indicating he's been caught off guard. He doesn't reject her, but his hands try to ease her movements on her shoulders.

"Touka-chan, wh—"

"It's nothing," she whispers against his mouth, arms traveling to his back to pull him closer, fingers sinking inside his hair. She's desperate. "Just kiss me."

And he does. He does.

She allows him to make love to her like it's the last time they will. She gasps, moans, hums against his neck as she brings him closer, closer, closer. It's never enough, it will never be. He can die tomorrow, he can go out like he usually does and never come back, die with all those thousand words that she keeps locked up inside her mouth and never know. Never know how much she loves him, how much she missed him, how much she wants to tell him, how scared she is that he might leave her alone again… so she lets her body speak in place of her words.

Once that was over, he kissed his way down her stomach again and allowed himself to rest there, his weight settled on top of her body, arms firmly enveloping her waist between his arms and refusing to let her go even if it was over.

He smirked softly as his eyes fell shut, letting out a tired sigh.

In the silence, Touka wept. Kaneki never knew she was crying, never noticed the tears staining the bedsheets around her, but she was.

She was, and he was clueless.

The hour's pass, the night feels cold and lonely somehow but they stay awake, unable to find sleep. They cuddle, finding refuge in their arms, playing with their fingers and holding conversations between whispers. He holds her against his chest, giggling and commenting a few anecdotes from his teaching lessons with Naki, feeling his chest jolt with each one of his chuckles, but she's not really listening. She murmurs back, pretending to laugh when he does, nodding and planting a few chaste kisses on his chest every now and then, but the truth is that her mind is too far away from where they're standing right now, and she knows she has to come back from that place with an answer. Three words, eleven letters.

She has to.

They change positions after a while. He dresses her in his sweater, claiming that the air is cold around them. Both stay face to face, his arms not daring to let her go, pulling her closer to him by her waist, feeling his hot breath against her skin as he keeps on talking. She's not looking at him, Touka keeps her eyes fixed on the ring looped around his neck, shining within the dark. She looks at it, reaching out a hand to touch it slightly.

That ring has been a source of strength for me.

Mom, dad, please… please help me… please…

Kaneki giggles, staring at the ceiling as he remembers something funny that Nishiki told him that afternoon, trying to replicate his exact words.

"Kaneki."

He stops, tilting his face to one side to look at her.

"Yes?" he's still smiling, softly, gently, beautifully.

She decides that this is the last thing she will see before closing her eyes. Kaneki smiling. She doesn't want to see his face afterward, she doesn't hold the courage to do so. So she takes a deep breath, closing her eyes, picturing that very same face in her head, holding onto his expression, frowning her brows as she speaks, terrified and quivering.

"I'm pregnant."

Silence.

All that she hears is silence.

He's not even breathing. She can't even hear his heart beating, she can't even feel his arms around her, her body is numb, her ears are deaf, her senses are broken.

There's nothing. No consolation, no light. Only the darkness of her closed eyes and the faint strength coming out from that old ring, filling her with the capacity to keep breathing just a little more, just enough to survive.

Don't cry, she tells to herself. Don't cry, not in front of him, not now.

The pause continues. Silence engulfs both of them for long, long minutes, or maybe it isn't as long as the thinks, but it feels longer than eternity. Touka keeps her arms against her chest, close to her mouth, holding her breath. She feels Kaneki's body moving, just a little bit, and she figures out that he's facing the ceiling, but his left arm is still resting underneath her head.

He sighs, then speaks.

"How long?"

Touka keeps her eyes closed. His words come out in a hushed whisper, and so does hers.

"A month."

They say nothing, for words leave them empty. They stay like that for a while, trying to freeze time to avoid having to face the consequences of their actions. This is no one's fault but theirs, they should have known. But then again, what is time? They can't freeze it, they can't stop it, they can't destroy it. Ghouls desire time more than they crave for human blood. Time to eat, time to laugh, time to go out knowing that they will return to their homes, time to get married, to fall in love, to have children… time to live. Her father went out for just one night and never returned. If she could have just frozen the time back then to make him stay a little longer, to hold him between her tiny arms and thank him for everything he's done for them… she would have given everything in her power to retrieve the time that was lost. Her father would have also wished for time to keep mom alive, to prevent her from dying in the way she did and stop blaming himself for it. Time, time, time… it was like water slipping out through their hands. Like all of those things she wanted to say that day at the bridge and she couldn't, and then he left, and time was all she couldn't recover.

That night he was hers, and she was his. He knew, her body told him, her lips murmured to him all the years of loneliness, all the years of unspoken feelings burning her body and threatening to transform her into ashes. Even if they could die later on, even if he could leave her again… it didn't matter, because she told him. She could live, die, breathe at peace now, and no one could ever take that away from her. No one could take that night away from her memory, from her skin…

And now this was happening.

And she didn't have any regrets.

Not a single one.

Touka hears a sniff. Her eyelids open slowly, scared, her blurred vision slowly adapting to the sudden darkness, Kaneki's silhouette gently appearing in front of her, staring at the ceiling with an arm resting above his head.

He's crying.

She frowns, looking at him.

Tears fall down from his eyes, trailing a wet path through his cheeks. They come down slowly, almost embarrassed, and her heart stops beating when she spots a smile on his face. A sad smile, the type of smiles that appear when you're trying not to break down, trying not to cry, when both joy and sadness take control over your body.

Touka realizes that she's crying too.

She wipes her tears, not sure exactly of what to say next. So she murmurs his name instead. Just his name.

"Kaneki."

The hand above his head briskly travels to his face, rubbing his eyes as he blurts out a deep sigh. He says nothing, so she speaks again, getting impatient.

"Why are you smiling…"

She wants to smile too.

It's not fair.

He rubs his eyes a bit more, then he rests his hand against his chest, tilting his face to one side to face her. He doesn't look angry. He doesn't look mad at all, and Touka feels the sudden impulse to jump onto him and kiss him, and cry and laugh against his mouth and make love again.

It's not fair at all.

"Tell me what should I do, then," he simply answers, his voice sounding clearer this time, abandoning any kind of whisper.

She told herself not to cry in front of him. Not now, and probably not ever. She's strong, she doesn't need that pretty face of his giving her a glance full of pity. He's having a rough time, he's always having a rough time. He's the one-eyed king, he's tired, and worried, and busy, and with thousand problems way more important than her tears; she's not going to be a burden for him. But when Kaneki stares at her with kind eyes and a sad smirk taking over his face, she can't help but break apart.

She frowns, closing her eyes, letting out a small sob. Kaneki's smile slowly fades away, heart bleeding furiously within his chest.

"I don't know," she simply says, and the realization of that word makes her sob even harder. She covers her face with one hand, ashamed, but she doesn't stop. "Fuck, I d-don't know…"

Neither does he.

Kaneki doesn't stop her from crying. He doesn't take her hand, nor brings her closer to him. He listens. His ears are open to each one of her sobs, and all of them are giving him the strength he needs to figure this out. Her lips repeat what are we gonna do over and over again. It's not fair, it's not fair, she cries.

But he can't contain that gloomy smile from appearing again. Because that's what people do in these situations. They smile, and laugh, and kiss each other, and celebrate. Yet Touka is crying in front of him, terrified due to an uncertain future, and still he can't help the smile on his face.

Hide comes to his head, and his smile grows thicker just as his tears. He would be laughing his ass off right now if he could see him.

A father.

You weren't expecting that one, were you, Hide?

He wants to laugh.

When Kaneki thinks of the word dad,, the only thing he can visualize inside his head is the blurry face of a man he doesn't even remember. No smell to recall, no touch, no voice, only books. All the books that were inherited to him to swallow as food. His mother wasn't very much of a reader, and Kaneki always wondered how would have felt to have a father who would comprehend that avid passion for stories, for characters that would love and betray and live, to smile with him at the intoxicant smell of old and wrinkled pages. He never had that, and when he met little Hinami—with her broken wings and the absence of a father—desperately seeking for comfort inside of books she couldn't read, words she couldn't understand… it was like seeing his own reflection in the mirror. And he made sure to be there for her, to teach her those words, to buy her books and listen to her excitement every time she would finish one.

He tried to fill a gap that remained open for the most part of his life… and he could do it again, he knows he can, he knows he wants to. He never thought about this, a future, a spark of hope for his miserable life, but now he can see it, it's clearer now, and it's so damn unfair.

Why.

Why now. Why like this, inside this place, with them out there. No food, no home, no doctors, no answers to the infinity of questions he's afraid to ask. He's a half-ghoul, for god's sake. How can this be good? How?

He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand why he's smiling and crying at the same time. It hurts, yet it makes his heart flutter in a way he never thought possible. So this is the feeling everyone's always talking about…

Kaneki sighs, driving his eyes towards Touka, who is silent now. Her hand still covers her face, hiding her tears from him. He can't help but give a glance to her stomach, and his heart flutters again like the heart of a man staring at his lover's eyes. He turns around to fully face her, brushing her hair backward. She twitches at his touch.

"Touka-chan."

She doesn't reply, so Kaneki grabs her hand, pulling it away from her face. He brings it to his chest, where his heart is madly pounding, then he wipes out her tears.

"Look at me."

She hesitates, staring at her own hand on his chest. She flicks up her gaze, meeting his.

"We've both went through worse," he says, hand traveling to firmly hold her cheek. She touches it. "And I'm sure we both thought we wouldn't make it out alive, but we did. This… sounds terrifying, it is. But I promise you, Touka, I will figure this out. I'll get the food for you, and all t-the other things that we need, we can even s-speak with Nico and ask him for—"

She lifts herself up, disrupting his speech, and gets close enough to hide her face against his chest, desperately wrapping her arms around him. He stays stiff for a few seconds but returns the hug almost immediately. His eyes fall shut, feeling dizzy by so many emotions. His face nuzzles against her hair, his hands get lost on her back, holding her tight against his body.

"I won't let anything happen to you," he whispers again, he needs her to know. She has to. "I promise."

II.

They decide to wait before spreading the news to everyone else.

The only two people inside Goat who are aware of the secret are Nishiki—who apparently did know about this—and Tsukiyama. Her belly hasn't grown that much to be noticed in only two months, but she decides to cover it with big hoodies and wide trousers to avoid possible misunderstandings. Food doesn't seem to be a problem, and she feels slightly surprised—and terrified—of how easily the meat arrives at her table.

"Bring anything you can find, I don't care what it is," Kaneki whispers in a corner, looking around to make sure he's not drawing too much attention.

Tsukiyama swaps a quick look with Nishiki.

"But, my king, you said that we shouldn't ki—"

"I know what I said," Kaneki disrupts, and his voice sounds cold and harsh. He won't ask twice. "Try to get some human food as well, she wants to give it a try."

They nod after a deep sigh, and both abandon the ward way to the outside city. Kaneki prays they'll return soon and safely.

—o—

Nishiki enters Touka's room holding a small bag in his hands. He finds her sleeping, like she usually does since she got pregnant. Being tired and shouting at him to get out of the bathroom because she wants to take a pee are the only two things she's been good at for the past three weeks.

"Hey, shitty-Touka, wake up," he speaks, grabbing a pillow and throwing it softly at her face.

She groans, pushing the pillow away.

"What the hell…"

He opens the bag, taking out the packages, the bottle of water and the cup of coffee he's been holding in his other hand.

"It's time to eat and get fat."

Touka opens her eyes, sighing and sitting on the mattress. She stares at the way Nishiki prepares everything for her, like a good big brother taking care of his sick little sister.

"How do you guys find so much food?" she asks, frowning. "There's barely any food for ev—"

"Don't ask," he cuts her off, sitting in front of her and opening the plastic tray. "I brought you some stinky human shit too. Exciting, isn't it?"

She grimaces, looking at the amount of onions and noodles and some weird green type of salsa that looks disgusting, but she really wants to try it—maybe she will be able to digest it this time—she really wants to know if this will help the baby somehow; in the end, no one knows if it's more human than ghoul or more ghoul than human, or just some strange kind of hybrid. Thinking about it makes her sick to her stomach.

Touka grabs the chopsticks, biting her lower lip. She takes a huge amount of noodles and leads them to her mouth, the nauseous taste impregnating her tongue, making her gasp.

"Shit," she swears, chewing and wanting to puke at the same time. "T-This is…"

Nishiki giggles, stretching his hand towards the tiny table against her bed to grab the cup of coffee.

"Here, try to drink this as you eat, it may help."

Touka grabs the cup and takes a sip of coffee. It does help somehow, but not entirely, and the taste grows uglier and more disgusting as she keeps eating, she doesn't remember human food having tasted this bad before. Touka stops at her fifth bite.

"I-I can't…" she slams the chopsticks against the tray, grabbing the water bottle to take a sip. "I don't think this brat likes human food at all."

Nishiki blurts out a sigh, putting the plastic tray with those filthy noodles aside to grab the other package, filled with human meat.

"Here," he says, opening the tray. Touka's mouth waters at the vision. "As Tsukiyama says… bon appéttit."

—o—

"I'm pregnant."

The silence is so thick that Touka feels it's choking her. She doesn't look at them, she doesn't even want to. Her eyes are fixed on the floor, cold and dusty, keeping her back leaned against the wall, feeling the tension growing in the air. The only ones who don't look surprised by her words are Nishiki and Tsukiyama, standing among the group she has chosen to tell the terrifying new. Koma and Irimi, Yomo and Ayato, Hinami, Banjou and Hikaro, the closest ones.

Yomo is the first one to take a seat, unable to keep standing. Ayato takes care of breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"What?"

She sighs, closing her eyes. Ayato looks around, stiff as a rock and waiting for someone to speak, but everyone is quiet. His eyes immediately land on Kaneki who's leaning against a wall a few steps away behind him. He looks at him because he doesn't know who else he's supposed to look at, his mouth is about to drop to the floor and his brain still can't process the information. He's speechless.

"For how long?" Yomo asks in a whisper.

"Almost two months," she answers, eyes still glued to the floor.

Ayato feels like he's about to pass out.

"W-Wait… what?" he asks again, and no one's really paying attention to him. His eyes wander to every single person inside that room, then on Kaneki, then back on Touka. He suddenly feels the urge to ask how, but he stops before his lips part at the realization that he really doesn't want to know *how*, but he still needs some sort of explanation.

"You know what this means, do you?" Yomo seems to be the only person able to speak. He's not looking at her, and Touka is not looking back.

"I do."

"That child might not survive," there's pain in Yomo's words, Ayato can feel the sorrow.

"I know."

"And neither might you."

Ayato feels like something has just stabbed him from the back.

"W-What?" he stutters, staring at Yomo.

He doesn't answer, neither does Touka. The silence is loud, and while Banjou approaches Kaneki to share a few words between whispers, Koma sighs, offering Touka a kind smile.

"Well, well… it seems like our family is getting bigger! I always wanted to become an uncle," he laughs, eyes traveling around the room, trying to cheer up the atmosphere but no one's really smiling, and suddenly his giggles turn into a disappointed sigh. "Or… maybe not."

Irimi gives him a scathing look. "Shut up, idiot."

Touka offers a faint smile in return until she hears a sob coming out from where Ayato is standing, still looking pale as a ghost.

It's Hinami.

She's crying, tears coming down her cheeks as she stares at Touka like it's her last time doing it. She takes one step, and then another, and another, until her body crashes against her own and her arms firmly cling around her waist, nuzzling her face into her chest and crying at the beat of her heart. Touka blinks, overwhelmed, and all the hushed conversations die as their eyes contemplate the sad scene.

Ayato quivers, scared as hell. Yomo doesn't even dare to look at them. Koma is trying to hold back his tears and Banjou places a hand over Kaneki's shoulder, trying offer some comfort. Everyone else keeps staring, torturing themselves with Hinami's weeping.

Touka holds her tight against her body, closing her eyes and forgetting that everyone is there. She doesn't want to look at them, she just wants to embrace her little sister.

Her back jolts with each one of her sobs.

"I-I love y-you, onee-chan…"

Touka sighs, smiling softly, caressing her head.

"I love you too, Hinami."

Kaneki feels himself crack open. The sight is eerily devastating and all he wants to do is to walk towards them and hold the both of them between his arms, to keep them as close to his heart as possible; but he can't really do that, not now, he doesn't want to make a scene. He stays there, silent, and agrees with Banjou that he will carefully spread the new to the rest, however, he keeps it strict.

"Not everyone, though," he speaks, rubbing his eyes in fatigue. "Naki and the others, you know. The small group. I don't want the rest to take advantage of this, especially if they know that we have food that it's not for them."

Nishiki nods.

"Don't worry, we'll take care of that."

Kaneki nods back, and places a hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Nishiki," he means it. He really does. "For everything."

His friend rolls his eyes, smiling with arrogance.

"Don't get too corny, king."

Kaneki smiles, and it's the first time his lips widen in an honest, pure smile since he found out the news.

All of a sudden, a tiny spark of hope is born inside the 24th Ward.

III.

Around the fourth month her growing bump starts to poke out. A lot. Not enough to make her look like she has a huge and heavy balloon on her belly, but she clearly looks like a pregnant woman. The mere thought of it makes her heart flutter furiously.

With back pains, breasts changes and crazy hormones fucking up with her mood, vomits also arrived at the table, and they were freaking scary. Her pregnancy squad—that's how she had decided to call it—conformed by Yomo, Banjou and Irimi, suggested the idea of eating only once a week, very small portions here and there. She had vomited most of them at first, until her body started to adjust to the changes. She also tried to eat human food again, but it was pointless, she couldn't pass the second bite.

But her fear resided in those days when she wouldn't even drink coffee and still throw up like crazy. Not meat, just blood.

Only blood.

It was scary as hell.

"It's okay," Irimi assured her, brushing the hair out of her forehead as she kept on leaning against the toilet.

"It keeps happening," Touka complains, hands shaking furiously. "I haven't eaten anything since last week."

"It's okay," Irimi repeats. "Maybe it's just the baby asking for more nutrients. I'll talk to Banjou-san, perhaps we need to increase your meals."

Touka nods, feeling tired and sick. Irimi takes her back to her bed and Touka's heart melts at the way she covers her with blankets, placing a hand on her forehead and the other on her tummy, smiling like a proud big sister.

"You're doing it great, Touka-chan," she smiles at her, and Touka's eyes get teary by the sound of her voice. For a moment she wonders if this could have been her mother, treating her this way, taking care of her at her weakest. "Try to take some rest now, okay?"

"Thank you, Irimi-san."

Irimi smiles, getting up and leaving the room. Touka sighs, closing her eyes with a faint smile.

She feels more loved than ever.

—o—

The touch of something warm against her cheeks forces her to wake up. She frowns at first, writhing in her slumber, feeling a soft hand brushing the bangs out of her forehead.

"Touka-chan."

She hums, stretching her arms to both sides.

"Hey," the voice speaks again, and she feels lips stroking her forehead, moving as they mutter, "wake up."

Her eyes open lazily, white hair spread all across her face, tickling her nose. She smiles a bit, wrinkling her eyes as her hand travels towards his shoulder, patting it softly.

"Why do you wake me up…"

Kaneki moves back a little to have a clear view of her pretty drowsy face. He never thought she could look more beautiful than this. How wrong he was.

"How are you feeling?"

Touka gives a long, deep yawn, shivers running down her spine at the feeling of Kaneki's hand placed on her tummy, his thumb gently stroking the skin in an absent motion. He's not the first person to touch her belly, but it still feels different whenever he does it.

"I'm better, I think," she replies, touching his arm.

He smiles tenderly.

"I brought you some food. Banjou-san says that you can eat twice a week now."

At the mention of food, Touka's eyes widen.

"Really?"

Kaneki nods.

"Yup. Come on, I'll take you to eat."

She giggles, arching a brow.

"Is this a date?"

"Probably."

He helps her get out of bed and leaves the room for her to put on some comfortable clothes. Minutes later she finds him waiting for her at the entrance, holding a big coat in his hands. He smiles when he sees her coming, and walks towards her to dress her with the coat. She quickly recognizes it, that one fluffy black coat he sometimes uses to sleep.

Touka frowns as he adjusts the coat around her, making sure it's covering her stomach.

"Why are you—"

"It's a bit cold outside."

What the fuck.

Outside?

She opens her mouth to speak, but his mischievous smirk makes her heart flutter, unable to make any sound. Kaneki grabs her hand, dragging her with him.

"Come on."

She realizes that night has fallen over Tokyo when she notices that everything around her is so silent it hurts. Everybody seems to be sleeping, and the only noise she can perceive is the sound of their footsteps squelching against watery soils inside lonely tunnels. She follows him with her hands inside her pockets, both being guided by the faint light of a lamp he's carrying in his hand. It's cold, she's hungry, the place looks like shit and they've been walking for almost fifteen minutes; if this is his perception of what a *date* is supposed to be, then he's a huge jerk.

"Kaneki, where the fuck are we going?"

He laughs.

"We're not that far away," his voice echoes inside the tunnel-like a king's powerful command. "Don't worry, we're almost there."

Touka groans.

"I'm hungry!"

"You spent an entire week without eating, just wait a few minutes."

"Exactly," she agrees, slightly irritated. "Now that I'm allowed to eat more I'm getting a little impatient."

Kaneki ignores her, he keeps on walking until he stops hearing the sound of her footsteps behind him. He turns around, the light of his lamp highlighting her silhouette. She's trying to catch her breath.

"Why did you st—"

"Kaneki," she breathes, placing a hand against the wall to find some balance. "You're very sweet, but I don't think I can keep walking that long anymore without fainting. I'm pregnant, you know."

Her finger travels towards her belly, pointing out the obvious. He sighs, scratching the back of his head.

"Ah, shit… right, uhh…" he gives one step forward and puts the lamp in her hands. "Don't move, I'll be right back."

Touka blurts out a gasp.

"W-What?"

"Just stay there!" he screams, starting to run into the direction from where they came from.

"Are you seriously gonna leave me here alone?" she yells back, looking around and seeing nothing but darkness. "I'm fucking pregnant!"

He doesn't answer, he's obviously not there anymore. She groans, resting her back against the wall and looking down at her stomach, moaning in frustration.

"Just so you know, kiddo. Your father is an asshole," she sighs, leaning the back of her head against the wall. She bits her lower lip, reconsidering her words a little bit. "But he's a gentle kind of an asshole, I suppose. And a hot one, too. He actually… uh, looks pretty good in that outfit today. I wonder if he dressed like that for me?"

Touka keeps talking to herself—or, well, to the baby—out of boredom for long minutes until she hears the sound of something being dragged noisily against the floor. She body jolts, heart raising furiously… what the hell is that?

She soon realizes that it's no one but Kaneki when she smells his fragrance. Her hands raise up the lamp, trying to focus his silhouette, and her brows arch when she spots him carrying a wheelchair.

"A wheelchair?" she asks.

Kaneki smiles, stopping in front of her.

"Yeah, the kids usually use it to play, I guess it'd be nice if we put it to good use, right?" his hand pats the seat. "Come on, sit down."

Touka hesitates at first, but after a deep sigh her butt finds its place on the chair and this one starts moving forward, cold air splashing against her face.

"Just… don't go too fast, I'm gonna throw up if you do," she warns, hands firmly holding the lamp against her lap.

"Don't worry."

Kaneki was right, the place wasn't that far away from where they were standing before, but that little one inside of her was getting hungrier and hungrier and Touka's mood was getting grumpier and everything felt like a huge mess.

"Kaneki, I need to fucking e—"

He stops.

"Here."

She gasps when she feels the air getting colder, she can almost sense the howling of the wind caressing her skin. Where were they? She gets up from the chair, feeling the hand of Kaneki grabbing hers, forcing her to follow him.

"Come on," he says, smiling softly.

He guides her through some old and rusty stairs that stick to a wrinkled wall. The air grows thicker as they ascend and Touka gasps loudly when they reach to a small room that offers a beautiful view of the sky and some trees that seem to hide the place a bit. It appears to be a huge broken wall, a spot that it's not entirely inside the 24th Ward but that still keeps being part of it, like the entrance to an old sewer.

She's amazed.

"K-Kaneki, what—"

He disrupts her by taking the lamp out of her hands, passing by her side and walking near the big gap on the wall. He places the lamp on the floor, speaking as he grabs a blanket she didn't notice he had and spreads it on the soil.

"Ayato found this place a few weeks ago. Naki says that we should do something about it before others find it and use it as a secret entrance, but I thought it'd be nice to be here with you first since you can't go out. You've been feeling sick lately, maybe all that you need is a bit of fresh air, I know how exhaustive it is to be locked up downstairs all day."

Her feet travel around the room as he speaks, eyes glued on a sky that is filled with stars, she can spot every single one of them, and she wonders if this is the last time she will look at the sky, at everything she wishes her child can contemplate someday.

She looks down at Kaneki when he mutters her name, stretching out his hand towards her and waiting for her to grab it. Her eyes stare at his fingers, the ones she holds seconds after, her body being pushed towards him as he helps her to sit down on the blanket with him. He rests his head against the wall, letting Touka rest her back against his chest to keep her comfortable, arms wrapping around her to keep her warm. She looks at the way he grabs something that looks like some kind of bento box. He opens the top of the plastic to reveal raw meat chopped into tiny pieces, along with two chopsticks on the side.

"There you go," he says, letting out a deep sigh.

Finally.

She frowns, suddenly feeling guilty.

"We can share it, you won't eat anything at all?"

"I'm fine."

"But—"

"You've been whining about how hungry you were for almost thirty minutes. Now you have your food, just eat already."

Touka snorts, shrugging.

"Whatever. You miss it."

She starts eating, feeling as her cheeks regain the lost blush and her eyes feel less tired than before. She takes each piece to her mouth, chewing it slowly, staring at the starry sky with a faint smile, way too happy to be able to contain her excitement. She feels Kaneki's hands traveling towards her belly, his warm palms scribbling patterns on her skin.

"It's not moving yet, right?" he asks.

His voice arrives near her ear, making her shudder. She laughs a little, resting her head against his chest as she keeps chewing.

"Nah, it's still too little for that."

"Mmmh."

Once she finishes eating, she puts the box aside and both stay there, silent, for a long time. The scene kind of reminds her of their first time: the abandoned building, the cold of the night engulfing them, the way she stared at the stars through that window when he fell asleep in her arms… even if everything around them was uncertain right now, that night never felt like a regret. It felt like a choice, the best choice she's ever made.

And she can feel he's thinking the same thing.

"You know," he starts off, sighing, his arms still clasping her in a firm embrace, "a part of me wishes that we could have done things differently."

Touka closes her eyes, dwelling in the sound of his voice.

"What do you mean?"

His shoulders shrug slightly.

"Everything happened so fast, and I know I wanted it that way, but at some point… I don't know, I wish I had been brave enough to tell you how I felt before."

She doesn't respond, and Kaneki keeps talking, voice coming out raspy and sadder this time.

"I wish we could've had more time. I really, really… wanted to take you on a date, I thought about it many times when I used to visit the shop… and now we can't do any of that."

Touka shifts around, ignoring the uncomfortable bump on her tummy to sit on his lap, arms weekly looped around his neck. For a moment she looks taller than him, and even though he's being serious and the scene isn't very romantic at the moment, the sudden change of angle and the fact that his mouth is aiming at the sweet spot on her jaw makes her feel a little turned on. Pregnancy stuff, she believes.

"And where would you have taken me?" she asks, smiling and tilting her face to one side.

Kaneki blushes a bit, blinking and looking at everything but her.

"U-Uhh — well — I don't know, a coffee shop?"

Touka gasps, offended.

"Are you telling me that my coffee is not good enough for a date?"

His eyes widen.

"N-No! Y-Your coffee is the b-best, you know that. I mean — well — maybe to try something, uh, different? It's not like we can go to a restaurant or something."

She stares at him for a few seconds, madly in love. God, he's such a cute dork.

She tousles his hair with one hand.

"Just because things are complicated right now it doesn't mean they will be like this forever. We've been through worse, remember? You said that. After we're done with this, Nishiki will have to take care of our brat and then you will take me on a date to all those dirty places you've been wanting to take me since the beginning."

Kaneki was smiling softly at her words until she said the word dirty. His face went redder than blood, he blinked, starting to stutter.

"W-What? I — I never s-said anything about di—"

"You're a shitty liar, Kaneki."

She bends down to kiss him, and the huge satisfaction she gets at feeling his wet lips crashing against her it's a pleasurable relief to the heat that's been blazing within her body for *hours*.

He deepens the kiss, opening his mouth wider to welcome the intrusion of her tongue. His hands sink beneath her coat, only just a bit, but *her* hands decide to go further, as usual. She tries to take off his jacket; realizing that she's incapable of pulling the sleeves down, she decides to start unbuttoning his black shirt.

"T-Touka-chan, w-wait…"

Her gasps are getting noisy inside the room.

"Shut up, Kaneki."

"Okay."

IV.

As the seventh month arrives, Touka gets weaker, and weaker, and weaker.

Kaneki feels like dying all over again.

She can barely hold any food in her stomach anymore. Everything she swallows is meant to be thrown up within a span of just a few hours. Sometimes the food stays in her belly, but those days rarely appear anymore, and everyone is getting anxious around her. She looks pale, and tired, sleeping almost every day and unable to walk without feeling dizzy, so the wheelchair became her new favorite toy. She keeps the hopes high, however, Kaneki feels like this is some kind of bizarre joke, a punishment he deserves for all the times he has left her alone when he promised he wouldn't.

"You know we still have another choice, right?" he asks, voice trembling as he speaks.

RC suppressants.

She's scared, she's afraid to admit it, but she's so... so scared. And Kaneki doesn't need to hear her voice to notice it. He's scared too.

"Touka, if you've made your choice already just say it, tell me. I don't care how, we'll get the suppressants, you don't have to worry about that. Just… tell me and I'll do it. I'll speak with Ogura, he will help us just like they helped Akira. I… I just need you to tell me."

Touka stares at her hands weekly wrapped between his fingers. He's trembling, desperate for an answer, desperate for her telling him what to do, to show him the right path as she always did. She closes her eyes, blurting out a sigh and nodding after a small pause.

"Okay." Her voice comes in a hushed whisper.

Kaneki nods too, heart racing furiously.

"I'll go talk with the others, we're leaving today."

She nods again, unable to speak, not sure of what to say next. He squeezes her fingers, and then his hands travel to her—now huge and heavy—tummy, looking down at it with an appalled expression. He leans down, slowly, and presses a soft kiss that forces her to shut her eyes. His lips stay in there for a few seconds, she can feel them whisper against her skin.

"It's gonna be okay."

And she knows he's not talking to her.

He's speaking to the baby.

His child.

"Kaneki."

He flicks up his gaze, meeting hers. Her fingers stroke his hair, pulling him closer for one last kiss. He holds her forehead to his, clammy and sticky with sweat as she trembles in his arms. Her mouth adjusts to his lips, fearing for their lives, whispering to him, "I love you."

It's the first time she says it out of bed, when pleasure isn't manipulating her emotions, making her whisper against his ear a huge amount of corny words he knows she probably doesn't have the courage to say on a daily basis. Kaneki sighs, sighs in joy and relief and happiness, but also in pain and doubt. He kisses her lips one last time, breathing in them as if the world has suddenly stopped to produce oxygen and her mouth was the only place in where he could breathe, his only source of life.

"I know," he whispers.

He knows. He really does.

"Come back quickly."

"Always."

Now he has a home to return to.

A/N: I've been wanting to write a touken pregnancy fic for a very long time, and the current events in the manga just fit perfectly with this topic, lol. There's a Touka/Ayato scene that I really wanted to write and didn't have time to do so, I'll probably write it tomorrow and post it as an extra piece of this one shot, you should be able to find it on my tumblr (ladywongs)!

Thank you for reading! feedback is always welcome :')