***********************************
Legolas had known fear in his life.
Beneath his deceptively youthful appearance, his ancient eyes had bore witness to more horrors than most could claim. He had faced entire armies of evil during his time with the Fellowship, the battle-shrieks and the scent of death still haunting his dreams after so many years. Even before the terror of the One Ring, in the days when he walked the earth in relative innocence, he had seen sights that would have sent even the most war-hardened of mortals screaming in fear. His long life was tarred with pain and fright, and yet he would gladly relieve all of those dreadful memories again if only to escape from the nightmare that he now found himself in.
"Friend Gimli," he murmered, drawing a long shuddering breath, "I beg of you - run and save yourself. I am not worth your sacrifice."
Standing beside him, he sensed rather than saw the dwarf give a firm shake of his head. "Never."
"Gimli-"
"I made an oath upon the Lady of the Wood that you and I would take this quest together," Gimli growled quietly. "I will not leave you to face these Hell-demons alone. As long as I still have breath in my body, I will stand by you."
Legolas swallowed against a growing tightness in his throat, eyes misting as he gazed out fearfully into the surrounding darkness. A cool night breeze ran through his hair, causing a few pale strands to drift over his face. He paid it no heed.
"I thank you, dear friend." He sighed and allowed his eyelids to slide slowly shut. "It is a great comfort to me that I meet my fate by your side."
There was a low rumble by his elbow. "If with my blood I can spare you from this evil, I shall."
There was a sudden rustle in the black woodland, causing the two friends to glance up swiftly. Fear and trepidation blanched their faces. That had been no natural noise, no wind moving harmlessly through the leaves. That was the unmistakable sound of someone...something...creeping purposefully through the trees towards their campfire. Gimli peered apprehensively into the gloom, his grip suddenly tightening on the hilt of his axe. It was time. They were coming...
"Oh sweet Elvenhome," Legolas whispered.
A pair cold eyes glittered against the shifting blackness. Slowly, threateningly, the eyes moved closer, the vague outline of a figure emerging from the void-like dark. The figure was joined by another, then another, and then yet more as a host of demon creatures slunk towards their safety. A low whisper came from their group, a hiss in the still night air...
...Orli...Orli...Orli...
Legolas quaked with fear, lithe frame trembling as he saw the first of the monsters step into the firelight.
It was human in shape - a female, no less - but he knew that nothing Manborn could contain such malicious evil...the hellfire in its eyes convinced him on that. Its lean form was encased in some strange garment - nondescript jeans and a t-shirt bearing the likeness of Legolas's own face. In its clawing grip was held a doll of some kind...a crude but accurate representation of the Elven prince.
Beside him he heard Gimli draw a long breath. "Sweet Lady preserve us! 'Tis a horde of fangirls!"
The other figured began to advance, shadows disengaging from shadows, as they all crept into the fire's orange glow. Though different in shape, stature and coloring, they all appeared to be of similar age - teenagers, in human terms. Their faces were alight with devilish glee as they beheld their quarry, causing Legolas to emit a strangled sob of fear.
"Elvellon, I beg of you! Flee before it is too late!"
Gimli readied himself in a battle stance, legs spread wide and axe held firm in his hands. He stared at the fangirls in absolute terror, but refused to move. He would not leave his dearest friend, not for all the Mithriel in Middle Earth. Their devotion to one another had been forged long ago on the days of the Fellowship, and the love that the dwarf held for the elf surpassed even the all consuming fear that he had for the fangirls. His brain worked desperately to find a solution. There had to be some way to save Legolas from this evil...
Suddenly, inspiration.
"Friend Legolas, I shall remain by your side, but it may yet be that we can escape this doom together!"
The first of the fangirls took another step closer, teeth bared in a grin of delight. Its hungry gaze swept over Legolas's trembling body, drinking in his Elvish beauty as though appreciating a fine wine. Its lips parted in a strangled hiss of reverence. "...Orli..."
Legolas gave a gasp and stepped backward. Gimli could stand back no longer. Roaring of anger he jumped in front of the elf, brandishing his axe as though the mere action alone could shield his friend. "You leave him be, you lecherous Hell-cats!!"
"Gimli, no!" Legolas wailed helplessly. "Spare yourself!"
The dwarf glanced back at him quickly, his heart taking a leap into his throat at the sight of his friend's panic-stricken face. He gave a brief nod. "I have a plan," he explained gruffly, "But you have to trust me! Follow my lead!"
Legolas blinked wildly for a moment, then returned the nod. His slender countenance was bone white with fear, grey eyes shining unnaturally bright. Never in all the long battles they had faced together had Gimli seen him so utterly terrified. He knew then that he was the only one who could save him...no matter how high the price.
Jaw held firm with grim resolution, he turned back to the fangirls and, lowering his axe, raised one hand swiftly at their leader. "Wait! Before you ravage this poor elf there is something that you need to know!"
The first fangirl did not look away from Legolas, clawing hands turning the elf-doll in her hands. Gimli shuddered to think what those hands might yet to do his friend. She took another step forward towards the prince...
"He's not what you think!" Gimli cried, both hands held up now. "He's not what you want him to be!"
The fangirl's horde continued to close around them, a strangling hold of evil now heavy in the air. The first of their number gazed to Legolas with a mixture of awe and hunger, registering Gimli's words without turning to look at him. "He is everything that we want him to be," she whispered with reptilian delight, "He is perfect. Look as his hair...his eyes...his flawless complexion. He is ours now, and all the teenage girls of the Earth shall worship His masculine perfection."
"But you don't understand!" Gimli cried desperately as it made another step towards his petrified friend. "He's GAY!!!!"
A resounding silence rang through the clearing as all turned to stare at the livid dwarf. Even Legolas tore his gaze from the advancing fangirl in order to gape incredulously at him.
"What?!" The lead fangirl's eyebrows drew together in a look of confusion and disgust. "What did you say?!"
Gimli took a deep breath to steady himself. He knew what he must do to save Legolas, and yet the cost of his dignity was a heavy price to pay. Still, if it would aid his friend in any way, he knew what he had to do...
"Aye, it's true. Legolas Greenleaf is...is..." he stuttered helplessly for a moment, unable to form the word with his lips, "...is gay. And...well...so am I. We are lovers."
If the silence had been heavy at his first revelation, it was now an unbearable crushing force. The fangirls recoiled in horror, soundless gasps of revulsion casting their mouths open. They stared at Gimli, shock slowly giving way to repulsion as the full meaning of his words began to dawn on them. The first fangirl - the one standing closest to the two friends - turned her dark gaze upon Legolas.
"Tell me its not true," she whispered chokingly, "You aren't...I mean, you can't be..."
The fair-haired elf glanced at Gimli, obviously bewildered by his actions. Their eyes met, an unspoken message passing between them. For the first time since his encounter with the fangirls that evening, Legolas managed a weak smile. Gimli nodded in approval, and they both turned to face their attackers with twin grins on their faces.
"...Gay?" Legolas finished for the spluttering fangirl, placing particular emphasis on the word. He beamed happily. "Oh yes, very much so. Females are such flighty creatures...only another man can truly understand how to fulfill my desires." He turned to Gimli, mock concentration lining his pale brow. "How long would you say that we have been sharing one-another's bed, master dwarf?"
Gimli pretended to give the question heavy consideration. "Our first time was in the woods of Lothlorien, if I am not mistaken."
Legolas shook his head. "You are not counting the blow job I gave you in Moria."
"Ahh, true. Although if we are going to be specific, how about that drunken fumble in Rivendell? Surely that was our first time?"
One of the fangirls gave a low moan of despair. "I think I'm going to be sick..."
The elf smiled and nodded in approval. "I believe you are right, friend Gimli. That was nigh on five years ago, and we have been bed-fellows ever since."
"Impossible!"
The two friends turned in fake surprise as the lead fangirls enraged hiss. Gimli tilted his head innocently, leaning his elbow against his axe. "Oh?"
The fangirls grip in her doll was now a vice-like crush, her knuckles white with the force of the gesture. Her mouth was pulled downwards with disgust. She gestured helplessly at Gimli. "But...but he has a beard!! You can't love someone with a...a...a beard!!"
Legolas shrugged offhandedly. "I am rather partial to facial hair as it happens, and my dear friend makes such good use of it." He stepped behind Gimli, rubbing his hands lovingly along the dwarf's sturdy shoulders. He raised his eyes heavenward and allowed a dreamy smile to tug at the corners of his mouth. "He is quite skillful in such matters, you know. I love the way he lets it tickle my thighs while he's suckling on my hard-"
There was a unified screech of horror and when Legolas looked down he was surprised to find the clearing empty. He stared after the swiftly fleeing forms as the fangirls retreated back into the shadows, sobbing and screaming in utter despair at their idols betrayal. With a banshee shriek they were swallowed by darkness, and then...silence.
Legolas allowed his eyelids to slide closed, a hot lump of relief filling his throat. "Its over," he breathed happily, "...Its finally over."
Standing in front of him he heard Gimli give a little snort. "It certainly wasn't as difficult as I had feared, though I wonder what was meant by that comment on my beard...?" Thick eyebrows drew together in a deep scowl.
Legolas gave a breathless laugh. "Pay it no heed, Elvellon. I am rather fond of your hair."
"Hpf, so you mentioned." The dwarf turned to look at him, expression one of forced neutrality. "Quite the imagination you have there, master Greenleaf."
Legolas felt the heat rise in his pale cheeks, though he knew his friend spoke only in jest. He gave an uneasy smile and stared earnestly down at his deliverer. "Friend Gimli...it seems that once again my life is in your debt."
"It is Gandalf that you should thank really. He gave me words of wisdom long ago, though I hardly understood his meaning before this very moment. He told me that there was nothing a silly hormone-ridden teenager found more disturbing than finding out that the one they desired played for the same team."
Legolas looked a little bemused. "Strange advice to be sure, but I am glad that he gave it to you anyway. Oh dearest Gimli, how brave you were! Odes will be sung in your honor for your unflinching courage! You have saved me from unspeakable evil once more...and for that I thank you."
Gimli looked more than a little uncomfortable at the gushing words of gratitude and was about to dismiss them when a sudden rustling in the blackened forest snapped them into awareness. The dwarfs hands were instantly to his axe, pushing Legolas back in a protective gesture. "Stand back," he growled quietly. "I had thought my ruse would be enough to ride us of those creatures, but if it is battle that they desire then I shall not be one to deny them!"
The rustling continuance, moving ominously closer. The Elven prince stared fearfully into the darkness, chest rising with quickened breathing. His heart was a pagan drum against his ribs as he awaited what must surely be his doom...
A small group of figures stepped into the circle of firelight, though they were certainly not the fangirls that the two friends were accustomed to. Although once again human in appearance - and undeniably female in shape - these creatures appeared slightly older, and the hungry glitter of the fangirls eyes had been replaced with a benevolent gleam. They came to halt at a respectful distance away, warm smiles lighting up their features.
It was Gimli who first broke the silence. Holding his axe before him, he frowned uneasily at the newcomers. Why were they not yet trying to charge Legolas? It made no sense...
"What manner of devilry is this?" he demanded. "Who are you? Friend or foe? Speak!"
One of the ladies stepped forward, grinning happily between the elf and dwarf. She glanced back at her companions, tears swimming in her eyes. "Isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever seen?!" she whispered excitedly, "Gimli's trying to protect Legolas!"
The women exchanged tearful glances to a chorus of 'awwwws'.
"And look," one of them murmured, pointing over to where the two baffled comrades stood, "He has pushed Legolas behind him." She nodded and gave a knowing smile. "I guess that answers *that* particular question."
Gimli's limited patience was now spent. He gave an enraged roar and stepped closer to the giggling horde, axe held menacingly in front of him. "Who are you?!" he bellowed angrily "What do you want with us?!"
The ladies merely smiled at his rage. The first woman beamed down at him, shaking her head apologetically. "Ah, yes, the introductions. We are the slash fans. You probably don't know us but we've been following your exploits for quite some time now, and I must say," she glanced back to her fellows as they exchanged happy smiled, "We are just thrilled that you two have finally come out of the closest! We were beginning to wonder whether it was ever going to happen at all!"
Legolas and Gimli looked at each other uneasily, their fear dissipating and quickly replaced by a strange puzzlement. What on Middle-Earth...?
Legolas blinked and tilted his head inquisitively. "Then...then you do not wish to stroke my hair? You do not wish to call me Orli and tell me how much you desire me?"
The slash fans looked shocked and shock their heads. "Oh no!" the leader declared, more than a little indignant, "That kind of behavior belongs to the airhead fangirls of this world, not slash-inclined women like us. Although," at this point her voice gained a hopeful edge, "If Gimli would like to perform such acts on you, we would not mind."
"Get your trousers off!" one enthusiastic slash fan cried.
Legolas arched his eyebrows and turned to look at Gimli. "It has got to be better than what the fangirls would have done to us..." the Elven prince mused aloud.
Gimli gave a rough snort and rolled his eyes. "Bright Lady preserve us! You cannot be serious Legolas?!"
The fair-haired elf merely shrugged. "I'd hate to disappoint my slash following..."
******************************************************************
Authors note: I had intended for this to be a one-shot only story, but the LOTR bug wouldn't leave me alone. Just a note on the fangirls comment about Gimli's beard - it's a real one! I'm a Gimli/Legolas shipper (can't you tell??) and I think it's probably the most canon relationship you can find in the books (Sam and Frodo excluded...those two are in a league all of their own!). But these silly little fangirls - who are only even involved in the fandom because they fancied Orlando Bloom in the movie, and have never so much as picked up a Tolkien book - hate the idea of the Elven prince getting together with Gimli. Their reasoning? "I don't like beards."
What the heck is wrong with a beard??? Sheesh!
*Wanders off muttering darkly about the stupidity of fangirls*
(Rant over).
Legolas had known fear in his life.
Beneath his deceptively youthful appearance, his ancient eyes had bore witness to more horrors than most could claim. He had faced entire armies of evil during his time with the Fellowship, the battle-shrieks and the scent of death still haunting his dreams after so many years. Even before the terror of the One Ring, in the days when he walked the earth in relative innocence, he had seen sights that would have sent even the most war-hardened of mortals screaming in fear. His long life was tarred with pain and fright, and yet he would gladly relieve all of those dreadful memories again if only to escape from the nightmare that he now found himself in.
"Friend Gimli," he murmered, drawing a long shuddering breath, "I beg of you - run and save yourself. I am not worth your sacrifice."
Standing beside him, he sensed rather than saw the dwarf give a firm shake of his head. "Never."
"Gimli-"
"I made an oath upon the Lady of the Wood that you and I would take this quest together," Gimli growled quietly. "I will not leave you to face these Hell-demons alone. As long as I still have breath in my body, I will stand by you."
Legolas swallowed against a growing tightness in his throat, eyes misting as he gazed out fearfully into the surrounding darkness. A cool night breeze ran through his hair, causing a few pale strands to drift over his face. He paid it no heed.
"I thank you, dear friend." He sighed and allowed his eyelids to slide slowly shut. "It is a great comfort to me that I meet my fate by your side."
There was a low rumble by his elbow. "If with my blood I can spare you from this evil, I shall."
There was a sudden rustle in the black woodland, causing the two friends to glance up swiftly. Fear and trepidation blanched their faces. That had been no natural noise, no wind moving harmlessly through the leaves. That was the unmistakable sound of someone...something...creeping purposefully through the trees towards their campfire. Gimli peered apprehensively into the gloom, his grip suddenly tightening on the hilt of his axe. It was time. They were coming...
"Oh sweet Elvenhome," Legolas whispered.
A pair cold eyes glittered against the shifting blackness. Slowly, threateningly, the eyes moved closer, the vague outline of a figure emerging from the void-like dark. The figure was joined by another, then another, and then yet more as a host of demon creatures slunk towards their safety. A low whisper came from their group, a hiss in the still night air...
...Orli...Orli...Orli...
Legolas quaked with fear, lithe frame trembling as he saw the first of the monsters step into the firelight.
It was human in shape - a female, no less - but he knew that nothing Manborn could contain such malicious evil...the hellfire in its eyes convinced him on that. Its lean form was encased in some strange garment - nondescript jeans and a t-shirt bearing the likeness of Legolas's own face. In its clawing grip was held a doll of some kind...a crude but accurate representation of the Elven prince.
Beside him he heard Gimli draw a long breath. "Sweet Lady preserve us! 'Tis a horde of fangirls!"
The other figured began to advance, shadows disengaging from shadows, as they all crept into the fire's orange glow. Though different in shape, stature and coloring, they all appeared to be of similar age - teenagers, in human terms. Their faces were alight with devilish glee as they beheld their quarry, causing Legolas to emit a strangled sob of fear.
"Elvellon, I beg of you! Flee before it is too late!"
Gimli readied himself in a battle stance, legs spread wide and axe held firm in his hands. He stared at the fangirls in absolute terror, but refused to move. He would not leave his dearest friend, not for all the Mithriel in Middle Earth. Their devotion to one another had been forged long ago on the days of the Fellowship, and the love that the dwarf held for the elf surpassed even the all consuming fear that he had for the fangirls. His brain worked desperately to find a solution. There had to be some way to save Legolas from this evil...
Suddenly, inspiration.
"Friend Legolas, I shall remain by your side, but it may yet be that we can escape this doom together!"
The first of the fangirls took another step closer, teeth bared in a grin of delight. Its hungry gaze swept over Legolas's trembling body, drinking in his Elvish beauty as though appreciating a fine wine. Its lips parted in a strangled hiss of reverence. "...Orli..."
Legolas gave a gasp and stepped backward. Gimli could stand back no longer. Roaring of anger he jumped in front of the elf, brandishing his axe as though the mere action alone could shield his friend. "You leave him be, you lecherous Hell-cats!!"
"Gimli, no!" Legolas wailed helplessly. "Spare yourself!"
The dwarf glanced back at him quickly, his heart taking a leap into his throat at the sight of his friend's panic-stricken face. He gave a brief nod. "I have a plan," he explained gruffly, "But you have to trust me! Follow my lead!"
Legolas blinked wildly for a moment, then returned the nod. His slender countenance was bone white with fear, grey eyes shining unnaturally bright. Never in all the long battles they had faced together had Gimli seen him so utterly terrified. He knew then that he was the only one who could save him...no matter how high the price.
Jaw held firm with grim resolution, he turned back to the fangirls and, lowering his axe, raised one hand swiftly at their leader. "Wait! Before you ravage this poor elf there is something that you need to know!"
The first fangirl did not look away from Legolas, clawing hands turning the elf-doll in her hands. Gimli shuddered to think what those hands might yet to do his friend. She took another step forward towards the prince...
"He's not what you think!" Gimli cried, both hands held up now. "He's not what you want him to be!"
The fangirl's horde continued to close around them, a strangling hold of evil now heavy in the air. The first of their number gazed to Legolas with a mixture of awe and hunger, registering Gimli's words without turning to look at him. "He is everything that we want him to be," she whispered with reptilian delight, "He is perfect. Look as his hair...his eyes...his flawless complexion. He is ours now, and all the teenage girls of the Earth shall worship His masculine perfection."
"But you don't understand!" Gimli cried desperately as it made another step towards his petrified friend. "He's GAY!!!!"
A resounding silence rang through the clearing as all turned to stare at the livid dwarf. Even Legolas tore his gaze from the advancing fangirl in order to gape incredulously at him.
"What?!" The lead fangirl's eyebrows drew together in a look of confusion and disgust. "What did you say?!"
Gimli took a deep breath to steady himself. He knew what he must do to save Legolas, and yet the cost of his dignity was a heavy price to pay. Still, if it would aid his friend in any way, he knew what he had to do...
"Aye, it's true. Legolas Greenleaf is...is..." he stuttered helplessly for a moment, unable to form the word with his lips, "...is gay. And...well...so am I. We are lovers."
If the silence had been heavy at his first revelation, it was now an unbearable crushing force. The fangirls recoiled in horror, soundless gasps of revulsion casting their mouths open. They stared at Gimli, shock slowly giving way to repulsion as the full meaning of his words began to dawn on them. The first fangirl - the one standing closest to the two friends - turned her dark gaze upon Legolas.
"Tell me its not true," she whispered chokingly, "You aren't...I mean, you can't be..."
The fair-haired elf glanced at Gimli, obviously bewildered by his actions. Their eyes met, an unspoken message passing between them. For the first time since his encounter with the fangirls that evening, Legolas managed a weak smile. Gimli nodded in approval, and they both turned to face their attackers with twin grins on their faces.
"...Gay?" Legolas finished for the spluttering fangirl, placing particular emphasis on the word. He beamed happily. "Oh yes, very much so. Females are such flighty creatures...only another man can truly understand how to fulfill my desires." He turned to Gimli, mock concentration lining his pale brow. "How long would you say that we have been sharing one-another's bed, master dwarf?"
Gimli pretended to give the question heavy consideration. "Our first time was in the woods of Lothlorien, if I am not mistaken."
Legolas shook his head. "You are not counting the blow job I gave you in Moria."
"Ahh, true. Although if we are going to be specific, how about that drunken fumble in Rivendell? Surely that was our first time?"
One of the fangirls gave a low moan of despair. "I think I'm going to be sick..."
The elf smiled and nodded in approval. "I believe you are right, friend Gimli. That was nigh on five years ago, and we have been bed-fellows ever since."
"Impossible!"
The two friends turned in fake surprise as the lead fangirls enraged hiss. Gimli tilted his head innocently, leaning his elbow against his axe. "Oh?"
The fangirls grip in her doll was now a vice-like crush, her knuckles white with the force of the gesture. Her mouth was pulled downwards with disgust. She gestured helplessly at Gimli. "But...but he has a beard!! You can't love someone with a...a...a beard!!"
Legolas shrugged offhandedly. "I am rather partial to facial hair as it happens, and my dear friend makes such good use of it." He stepped behind Gimli, rubbing his hands lovingly along the dwarf's sturdy shoulders. He raised his eyes heavenward and allowed a dreamy smile to tug at the corners of his mouth. "He is quite skillful in such matters, you know. I love the way he lets it tickle my thighs while he's suckling on my hard-"
There was a unified screech of horror and when Legolas looked down he was surprised to find the clearing empty. He stared after the swiftly fleeing forms as the fangirls retreated back into the shadows, sobbing and screaming in utter despair at their idols betrayal. With a banshee shriek they were swallowed by darkness, and then...silence.
Legolas allowed his eyelids to slide closed, a hot lump of relief filling his throat. "Its over," he breathed happily, "...Its finally over."
Standing in front of him he heard Gimli give a little snort. "It certainly wasn't as difficult as I had feared, though I wonder what was meant by that comment on my beard...?" Thick eyebrows drew together in a deep scowl.
Legolas gave a breathless laugh. "Pay it no heed, Elvellon. I am rather fond of your hair."
"Hpf, so you mentioned." The dwarf turned to look at him, expression one of forced neutrality. "Quite the imagination you have there, master Greenleaf."
Legolas felt the heat rise in his pale cheeks, though he knew his friend spoke only in jest. He gave an uneasy smile and stared earnestly down at his deliverer. "Friend Gimli...it seems that once again my life is in your debt."
"It is Gandalf that you should thank really. He gave me words of wisdom long ago, though I hardly understood his meaning before this very moment. He told me that there was nothing a silly hormone-ridden teenager found more disturbing than finding out that the one they desired played for the same team."
Legolas looked a little bemused. "Strange advice to be sure, but I am glad that he gave it to you anyway. Oh dearest Gimli, how brave you were! Odes will be sung in your honor for your unflinching courage! You have saved me from unspeakable evil once more...and for that I thank you."
Gimli looked more than a little uncomfortable at the gushing words of gratitude and was about to dismiss them when a sudden rustling in the blackened forest snapped them into awareness. The dwarfs hands were instantly to his axe, pushing Legolas back in a protective gesture. "Stand back," he growled quietly. "I had thought my ruse would be enough to ride us of those creatures, but if it is battle that they desire then I shall not be one to deny them!"
The rustling continuance, moving ominously closer. The Elven prince stared fearfully into the darkness, chest rising with quickened breathing. His heart was a pagan drum against his ribs as he awaited what must surely be his doom...
A small group of figures stepped into the circle of firelight, though they were certainly not the fangirls that the two friends were accustomed to. Although once again human in appearance - and undeniably female in shape - these creatures appeared slightly older, and the hungry glitter of the fangirls eyes had been replaced with a benevolent gleam. They came to halt at a respectful distance away, warm smiles lighting up their features.
It was Gimli who first broke the silence. Holding his axe before him, he frowned uneasily at the newcomers. Why were they not yet trying to charge Legolas? It made no sense...
"What manner of devilry is this?" he demanded. "Who are you? Friend or foe? Speak!"
One of the ladies stepped forward, grinning happily between the elf and dwarf. She glanced back at her companions, tears swimming in her eyes. "Isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever seen?!" she whispered excitedly, "Gimli's trying to protect Legolas!"
The women exchanged tearful glances to a chorus of 'awwwws'.
"And look," one of them murmured, pointing over to where the two baffled comrades stood, "He has pushed Legolas behind him." She nodded and gave a knowing smile. "I guess that answers *that* particular question."
Gimli's limited patience was now spent. He gave an enraged roar and stepped closer to the giggling horde, axe held menacingly in front of him. "Who are you?!" he bellowed angrily "What do you want with us?!"
The ladies merely smiled at his rage. The first woman beamed down at him, shaking her head apologetically. "Ah, yes, the introductions. We are the slash fans. You probably don't know us but we've been following your exploits for quite some time now, and I must say," she glanced back to her fellows as they exchanged happy smiled, "We are just thrilled that you two have finally come out of the closest! We were beginning to wonder whether it was ever going to happen at all!"
Legolas and Gimli looked at each other uneasily, their fear dissipating and quickly replaced by a strange puzzlement. What on Middle-Earth...?
Legolas blinked and tilted his head inquisitively. "Then...then you do not wish to stroke my hair? You do not wish to call me Orli and tell me how much you desire me?"
The slash fans looked shocked and shock their heads. "Oh no!" the leader declared, more than a little indignant, "That kind of behavior belongs to the airhead fangirls of this world, not slash-inclined women like us. Although," at this point her voice gained a hopeful edge, "If Gimli would like to perform such acts on you, we would not mind."
"Get your trousers off!" one enthusiastic slash fan cried.
Legolas arched his eyebrows and turned to look at Gimli. "It has got to be better than what the fangirls would have done to us..." the Elven prince mused aloud.
Gimli gave a rough snort and rolled his eyes. "Bright Lady preserve us! You cannot be serious Legolas?!"
The fair-haired elf merely shrugged. "I'd hate to disappoint my slash following..."
******************************************************************
Authors note: I had intended for this to be a one-shot only story, but the LOTR bug wouldn't leave me alone. Just a note on the fangirls comment about Gimli's beard - it's a real one! I'm a Gimli/Legolas shipper (can't you tell??) and I think it's probably the most canon relationship you can find in the books (Sam and Frodo excluded...those two are in a league all of their own!). But these silly little fangirls - who are only even involved in the fandom because they fancied Orlando Bloom in the movie, and have never so much as picked up a Tolkien book - hate the idea of the Elven prince getting together with Gimli. Their reasoning? "I don't like beards."
What the heck is wrong with a beard??? Sheesh!
*Wanders off muttering darkly about the stupidity of fangirls*
(Rant over).