A/N: I decided to consolidate some of my CoLu Week stories from the past few years into their own separate stories for the readers who like to read them without searching through everything. Because several of the 2015 stories were continued in 2016 (and some will be continued with 2017's CoLu Week), it makes more sense to have them separate, especially since I know a good number of you like re-reading them. There are currently three other CoLu Week stories (universes? whatever) from 2015/2016 that have been pulled down for editing before i post them in their own story thing. Like this.

I have gone through this and edited it. Because when I first wrote this, it was only a few months after I'd started writing. Hopefully you enjoy the changes that were made. They're not major, but just revision things that I see now that should have been handled before.

There is a continuation of this story for 2017. It'll be on Day 6 of CoLu Week 2017.

I hope you enjoy the humor.

This prompt in particular is actually a line-by-line collaboration with LittlePrincessNana . She was channeling Cobra very well that night in 2015 on Skype, so you can all thank her for his lines.

2015 - Rumors

Insultasaurus Rex

Just another day in Fairy Tail? This one was most definitely not one of those days. It had started out hectic enough, with everyone crawling in at all hours of the morning in need of hangover remedies—lest they become grouchy and start intentionally destroying things—and quickly descended into the standard Fairy madness.

Until Crime Sorciere showed up.

It went from normal for them to 'holy-shit-let's-go-crazy'… And that was definitely saying something. It wasn't long after they arrived though, with Mira employing her siblings' extra limbs to help her and Kinana deliver the trays upon trays of food, that things took an even weirder turn.

"Cobra, why do you always look like someone shit in your Cheerios?" Lucy asked after smiling at Mira in thanks for her daily post-brunch, pre-lunch smoothie.

The table holding all of Crime Sorciere and Team Natsu went completely silent. Cobra slowly turned his gaze toward the grinning blonde. "I don't eat Cheerios," he said before looking away from her again with a sneer.

"What's the matter?" Lucy crooned. "Do we need to get you another snake so you can send it off to find peep-holes in the ladies room?"

Kinana blanched as she set Cobra's plate down, staring at the Poison Slayer in horror and hoping that wasn't something she had done in the past.

Cobra cursed under his breath and turned back to Lucy. "And why the fuck didn't I think of that shit?"

"Wh-What?" Kinana whispered.

"So, Kina..." Cobra chuckled as he looked at the purple-haired barmaid. "About that whole snake business... Do you miss it?"

Kinana blinked once, twice, then shook her head and ran as far away as possible to keep herself from getting caught up in her friend's craziness. She loved him like a brother, especially since she'd been able to regain a good portion of her memories from when she was a snake, but Cobra was still a total oddball that would probably find a way to make it happen just to get her to do that. All for a few laughs… she hoped.

"Damn… Lucy's mouth is worse than Gajeel's," Warren whispered.

"Fuck you!" came the growled reply from a dark corner of the guild.

"Lucy's a real man!" Elfman bellowed from just behind the blonde, laughing heartily when she jumped and let out a high pitched 'eep!'.

"Fuck you Chicken Breathed Jelly Roll!"

Louder and louder shouts started echoing around the guild, and Cobra sent a smirk to the blonde Celestial mage. "Actually, I'm pretty sure you are a real man, if you catch my drift."

Lucy's eyes narrowed when he very obviously stared at her chest. "No shit, Sherlock. Explains why my cock's bigger than yours... Oh, wait… You don't fucking have one, overused Glory Hole."

Erza paused with her forkful of cake halfway to her open mouth.

Cobra stayed completely still, even though there was a very obvious tightening in his pants. This… was going to be so much fucking fun. One surefire way to catch his interest was to have some seriously good comebacks lined up, along with a nearly constant stream of insults running through your head. Something—he hadn't realized until that moment—that Lucy was almost always doing.

"Didn't you know?" Lucy leaned her elbows on the table, pausing to take a sip of her smoothie. "Chicks with dicks are all the rage."

"I highly doubt that."

"You're a nutcase if you don't believe me."

Cobra shrugged. "You just bring out the best in my nuts."

"Really? Walnuts, almonds, cashews? Wait... Are we talking about culinary nuts or botanical nuts? Because that does make a difference here..."

"Case in point," he chuckled. That was interesting. Why hadn't he seen this side of her sooner? That her mind worked the way it did? Oh, his interest was most definitely piqued. "You're all the nuts the creator decided to throw into this oversized Planters Can."

"So culinary nuts then." She grinned around her straw. "Are we including drupe seeds? Because almonds are in a Planters Can, but they're not really nuts."

"How about I just shove my nuts in your mouth, and we call it even?"

"You do that and I'll bite those fuckers off so fast even your magic won't have a chance to give you a warning, Borax Breath," Lucy said with a sweet smile on her face that had the Mira grinning with pride while walking into the kitchen.

"Not if I rip your mother fucking teeth out with a pair of rusty pliers first, courtesy of the Metal Fucktard over there and yours truly."

"Who said I needed teeth to bite them off? It only takes 3 pounds of pressure to rip off an ear, and not much more to remove your testicles from your body." Lucy's smile widened into a devious grin and she leaned just a little closer to him from across the table. "Teeth or not, you'll be singing soprano in no time flat."

"I seriously doubt that, Sahara Snatch. You're probably soaking fucking wet just thinking about someone actually giving that shitty ass mouth of yours some action. Don't even get me started on the damn spider webs collecting further south."

"The condition of my panties aside…" She wasn't wearing any, so there was really no way to comment on their dryness. She watched as Cobra raised an eyebrow at her. "There are no arachnids in my snatch. And on a side note: it's not nearly humid enough for Gajeel's iron to rust fast enough for you to rip my teeth out with rusty pliers. Plus it's entirely impractical. They could lock up before you even get one tooth out, just pissing you off in the process."

"For someone so god damn smart you forget who you're talking to. Poison, sugar tits, has a pretty nasty effect on metal when you know what the fuck you're doing." A wicked grin pulled at his lips. "And I know exactly what the fuck I'm doing. As for the arachnids, give them time to return. They left in search of fucking water."

Lucy slowly shook her head while her jaw dropped open. "You're fucking retarded, you know that? Like genuinely, mentally handicapped..."

"Says the orphaned poster child for all blonde jokes..."

"Wannabe pirate."

"Cosplaying whore."

"Limp-wristed cum bucket."

"Herpa-gona-syphi-lip."

"Pole-smoking chattel."

"Donkey fucking necroslut."

"Cocksucking shitshark!"

"Maggot infested cum stain."

"Zeref's personal colon wiper."

"Fire-Assed Twatbird."

"Spunk-dipped candle!"

"Mouldering reel of shitstring."

The rest of Crime Sorciere watched the two, their jaws hanging open when they realized just how long it had been since this started, and wondering why Cobra hadn't already shut Lucy up like he would have done with anyone else after the first comment.

"You're just jealous because you're a trout-faced glory hole experiment gone horribly fucking wrong," Lucy shot back.

"Why would I be jealous of a failed fuckwallop?"

"Because all you'll ever amount to is being a hard-rubbing bum faggot. Go ahead and open that other eye up, it'll get you more business when you've got another hole for your clients to fuck."

"At least I've got a hole they want to fuck, you cottage cheese regurgitating penis leech," Cobra leaned his elbows on the table, taking another bite of the sandwich Kinana had dropped off.

"Don't lie, Cobra. There's not a single part of you that anyonewants to fuck," Lucy replied. She finished off her smoothie, and chuckled darkly as she added, "Pretty sure I'd rather castrate myself after masturbating with a cactus than even considera world where you'd get laid."

"That's assuming that you'd find a cactus willing to crawl up inside of that cesspool of vomit you call a cunt."

"I'll have you know, my cunt is the model of perfection. Any cactus would be fucking honoredto tear my shit to shreds."

"According to whose standards there, Crapples? The last I heard, even the dead fucking shrivel up when your clothes come off."

The two mages trading insults failed to notice that the guild brawl had come to a halt. The entire guild had gone silent, watching their sweet Celestial mage shooting insults out rapidfire with a dangerous glint in her eye.

Mira's eyes sparkled with happiness over her new favorite ship. She had never considered Lucy and Cobra being an item, but the babies… Oh Mavis… They would be absolutely precious.

"Not that I blame them between the rotten fish stench oozing from between those thunder machines you call thighs and the misshapen asspumpkin you call a rear end."

Erza's cake fell from her fork unnoticed while she continued staring at Lucy and Cobra.

Lucy stood to her feet, then leaned over the table until her face was less than a foot from his. She silently summoned Gemini, and smirked when the twin spirits appeared right behind him.

Gemini grinned and quickly tapped Cobra on the shoulder. As they took his form, Gemi-Cobra said, "Cobra of Crime Sorciere. Birth name Erik. Born and raised in the Tower of Heaven. Thoroughly enjoys torturing others, and listening to their pain. Thoughts on Lucy Heartfilia: intelligent, feisty, beautiful, soul sounds like a majestic, soothing ocean in the dead of night."

Cobra's jaw dropped and his eye went wide. He slowly turned in his seat to gape at the bastard spirit that Lucy had summoned, watching as the copy of himself disappeared only to be replaced with a copy of Lucy in a towel. 'Holy shit, now that's what I'm talking about…'

He'd hated Gemini's ability when Angel held their key, because she used to constantly have them take everyone else's form just to get their deepest secrets aired out in front of the others. Now that Lucy had the nosy little shits, he didn't seem to mind nearly as much if he was going to get a view of her in only a towel. One, he might add, that honestly seemed more like a washcloth than anything else.

"Lucy Heartfilia of Fairy Tail," Gemi-Lucy said with a sweet smile. "Thoroughly enjoys thinking of ways to torture people, then writes about it in her novel. Thoughts on Cobra: sexy, funny, enjoys his darker side, and often has dreams about being romantically involved with him."

A strangled noise left Lucy as her jaw fell to the floor. Those mischievous little spirits were supposedto be on her side. A deep flush crossed her cheeks when Gemi and Mini reappeared with a giggle, then poofed themselves back to the Spirit World. 'Oh, fucking kill me now…'

Cobra sat in complete shock as he stared at the newly vacated space. His mind reeled not only from having his own dirty laundry aired out in front of the guild, but more importantly his thoughts on Lucy.

Her soul really didsound like an ocean, and he found himself thinking on more than one occasion—nearly a daily basis, in fact—that he'd give up any and everything to be swallowed up by the tumultuous waves that were so uniquely her.

But that was meant only for him, not public knowledge.

Now even the demon-souled woman—who was hellbent on everyone she knew that could possibly have interacted with each other only a handful of times having thirty babies—would be all over him like white on rice... and he hated rice. After years of being in prison with rice as the main course for his allotted two meals a day, those little grains just made him sick to his stomach now that he was free, even in metaphor.

Pushing past his own mortification, he relied on the usual 'deflect and pray' method to hopefully come out of this alive. A cocky grin pulled at a corner of his mouth as he turned back to the blushing blonde. "So, you think my romantic ass is sexy, huh?"

Lucy blinked slowly, feeling a rush of heat flooding her cheeks when Cobra came even closer to her. While a part of her wanted nothing more than to close that last bit of distance with a solid punch to his good eye in the pursuit of wiping that grin right off his smug and deliciously tanned face, Lucy decided it was high time she stopped beating around the bush.

By some miracle, the multitude of hints she'd carefully crafted over the last few months to show Cobra that she wanted him to bend her over the back of her couch and fuck her senseless, had completely bypassed his Soul Listening magic—a feat that was catalogued in her mind for later poking and prodding—and with her conniving little spirits' help, she finally had a damn good reason to throw caution to the wind.

Her breath hitched when she saw his nostrils flare slightly. She already knew he'd been able to smell the beginnings of her arousal, and she slowly leaned forward until their noses were a mere hairsbreadth apart. "Just your ass in general," she whispered, hardly noticing the slight tremor to her voice. "But I'd rather discuss what you should be doing with my ass."

Everyone watched one of the most heated and sexually charged staring contests they had ever witnessed take place between the two. The air in the guild thickened by the second. Finally, Jellal awkwardly cleared his throat. "Uh... What even started all of that to begin with?"

Gray was the next one to break free from the stupor he'd been left in. "Oh," he chuckled, "Happy told Lucy that Cobra said she was fat."

Cobra and Lucy jolted as the voices of their guild mates filtered back in, both pulling away from each other hastily and gulping while they tried to avoid any more attention.

Lucy scowled once she was back in her seat. Gray's reminder of what she'd been told by the little blue Exceed finally clicked into place. She was an idiot for believing the damn cat to begin with, since it was obvious that Cobra would have said that to her face just to see if she would cry.

Happy, on the other hand, called Lucy fat every chance he got.

"Happy." Lucy said slowly, turning her furious brown eyes toward the suddenly nervous Exceed.

"Yes?"

"Would you come here please?"

Happy quickly activated his wings and flew up into the rafters. "No way! You're gonna eat me!"

"Get back here, you mangy furball!" Lucy shouted. She jumped to her feet, watching as he settled himself on the lowest rafter to gloat, then she hopped onto the table. "Don't make me come up there!"

"Wow, Lucy's wearing pants?" Gray whispered. That was definitely different. He paused and chuckled when she pulled out her whip and wound it around a rafter, then started climbing up to get to Happy. Then again, maybe it was for the best that she wasn't in a skirt right then.

"Natsu, save me! She's gonna pour gravy on me and gobble me up!"

Cobra raised an eyebrow as he watched Lucy run across the rafter, then dive into the air to catch the annoying little feline with absolutely no regard for her safety. She soared through the air, out towards the middle of the guild, and he snorted when she successfully tackled Happy to the ground with one hand wrapping around his little throat. When Lucy began shouting that she wasn't fat, shaking Happy with an oh-so-alluring sneer curling her lip, he couldn't hold it back any longer.

Erza jumped when Cobra started cackling. She finally closed her mouth and looked down at the bite of cake that had vacated her fork to take up residence in her lap, then shrugged and quickly ate it.

"Why are you laughing?" Jellal asked as he glanced over at Cobra.

"That's funny as hell, is why!"

Lucy grinned when Happy started begging her to stop. His whimpered half-hearted apologies did absolutely nothing to douse her fury. It was high time he cut that shit out, and she was going to traumatize the little guy until he got it through his thick skull.

A shiver ran down everyone's spines at Team Natsu's table when Cobra's laughter went silent. His eye danced with wonder as it stayed glued to Lucy, a wide and malicious grin on his face.

"Payback time, Happy," she chuckled.

"Wh-What are you gonna do to me?" he whimpered. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Lushy. You're not that fat!" The grin on her face turned decidedly more sinister, causing Happy's blood to run cold. "Natsu, help! She's gonna kill me!"

Lucy lifted one hand to her mouth while she picked Happy up by the scruff of his neck. There was one huge plus to having Natsu as a partner, and that was going to come in handy. She called on the inner slob that he'd had awoken in her with their partnership, and started collecting more phlegm than should be humanly possible in her mouth, then spit on her free hand.

Happy screamed in terror as she smeared the thick fluid all over his face and stomach. It was even worse when she started rubbing it into his fur. He could feel the mucus matting it, twisting and knotting his previously clean azure fur into little spitty knots. "That's disgusting!"

"Shut up and take it, cat!" Lucy bellowed, spitting in her hand again and rubbing it into his wings.

"Oh god, why are you doing this?!"

All across the Fairy Tail guild, their faces were masks of horror. Even Mirajane's. Lucy had very clearly gone off the deep end, and it seemed poor Happy was her first victim. They only hoped she wouldn't turn on them next.

More phlegm. More sobbing from Happy while she started working on his tail. It was utterly disgusting just how much mucus Lucy was producing, but everyone present decided that if anyone was going to be her next victim, it should be the guy that taught her to spit like that in the first place.

"Say you're sorry!" Lucy collected more and more phlegm, gargling it to loosen the thick substance from her throat, then spit directly on Happy's face. She used her unoccupied hand to make sure it got up his nose for good measure.

Cobra's eye glimmered with happiness. He couldn't help but find Happy's current predicament fucking hilarious, and the level of depravity Lucy had reached in a matter of minutes was disturbingly sexy. He knew he wasn't right in the head before this, but if he'd had any doubts, the way his body was reacting to the laughter bubbling up from her throat was more than enough to put those to rest. She was ten kinds of crazy, based on this little phlegm-fest alone. And he was more than willing to admit, he really fucking liked how crazy looked on her.

"I-I'm sorry!"

"Like you mean it!" Lucy turned Happy around and lifted his little green knapsack, then spit on his back and started roughly massaging it into his fur.

"I'm sorry!" Happy sobbed, "I won't ever call you fat again!"

Lucy stopped as she was bringing her hand to her mouth. She slowly turned him to face her, raising an eyebrow at the fat tears rolling down his little kitty face. "Swear," she hissed.

"I swear," Happy cried. "I won't call you fat anymore…"

"The next time it happens, I won't be rubbing my spit on you, Happy," Lucy sneered.

"What are—" Happy paused, his eyes widening and a look of sheer horror crossing his face when he realized just what Lucy would do to him. "Aye, sir," he whimpered.

A sweet smile plastered itself on Lucy's face as she tenderly patted the top of his little blue head. "Okay, Happy," she giggled. "Go get yourself cleaned up, and go fishing with Natsu. That should make you feel better."

Everyone watched as Happy sped off toward the bathroom, his small blur of a body dripping what appeared to be buckets of saliva in a trail on the floor behind him. They slowly turned back to look at Lucy just as Cobra started laughing again, falling on the ground with tears pouring down his face.

Lucy sighed and made her way over to the bar. Mira handed her a bowl of soapy water, and Lucy thanked her while washing her hands.

"Fucking shit, that was amazing!" Cobra laughed. "Oh my god… You… Finally, someone… I fucking can't even!"

Lucy smirked while she dried her hands, then turned and started making her way through the guild to the doors. Her eyes locked onto Cobra's as she thought.

"No worries, Cobra. That's the last time you'll ever see me spit."

Cobra choked when he got a very clear picture of Lucy's face in his lap coming from the blonde. He stared at Lucy's back while she walked out of the guild, watching her hips swaying and fully appreciating all those delicious curves that were being hugged so tightly by her jeans and halter top. A devious smirk found its way onto his face as he jumped to his feet, waving off Jellal's questions about just where the hell he thought he was going as he made his way to the doors. Once outside, it didn't take long to find Lucy walking away from the large building, and he chuckled while running to catch up with her.

Lucy giggled when a pair of arms wrapped around her waist, and a set of very sharp, pointed teeth grazed over her neck. "I see you got my message," she whispered.

"Mm-hmm," Cobra hummed. "Kinda hard to miss it."

Lucy grinned and ripped herself from Cobra's grasp, then whirled in place and grabbed his belt while she started backing up into a nearby alley. "Well, c'mon Cobra," she rasped, licking her lips while her eyes raked over him. "Don't keep me waiting…"

Cobra chuckled when he couldn't hear a single soul anywhere near them, and slowly followed the hot little Fairy into the alley while thinking, 'Yeah, she's definitely my kinda crazy.'