Summary: The joy [not really] of [inducing] natural childbirth.

Warning: Very crackish. All of this would probably never happen…especially because Sakura is a doctor…but hey, it's a crack piece, it doesn't have to make sense, right?

Canon/Fanon Compliance: AU 'verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU. Sakura and Sasuke still left the village to travel together.

"I think you should paint my toenails," Sakura says to him one day, apropos of nothing.

Sasuke glances over the top of his newspaper and raises an eyebrow at her. "Why?"

"Because I can't reach them."

"No, why would anyone bother to paint their toenails?"

Sakura pouts, already round cheeks puffing out in annoyance. "The baby wants you to paint my toenails."

"The baby is going to learn that people don't always get everything they want," Sasuke replies, going back to his paper. "It's called parenting."

"The baby also controls whether you ever have sex again."

Sasuke puts the paper down and frowns at her.

"Just saying," Sakura goes on innocently.

"At some point that threat is going to stop being effective."

"You're a man. It will never stop being effective."

"I managed twenty years without sex."

"The first half don't count, you didn't have a sex drive," she dismisses. "And the last ten don't either because your brain was hardwired to reject anything even remotely pleasant. I bet you hated sunshine and rainbows and puppies, too."

They frown at each other for a full minute before Sasuke sighs and gets to his feet. Dutifully, he heads to the corner of the room where Sakura's travel pack sits and begins to rummage through for her makeup kit.

"The green polish, please!" she chirps happily from behind him.

うちは

She's not nearly as happy a week later, when Sasuke brings her to the nearest hospital to check on the baby. At thirty-five weeks, she has long since lost her patience over her size, inability to sleep, constant trips to the bathroom and general discomfort.

"I demand that this child be evacuated from my womb, immediately," she tells the nurse who is on-call when they arrive for their appointment.

The tiny woman's eyes widen, and she stares at Sakura in nervous disbelief. "Uh…Lady Sakura…you know that isn't how it works…"

"I don't know that that's something that I know," she retorts firmly. "Induce me. The baby's ready to come out. I know, because she told me."

The nurse shoots a worried glance at Sasuke, who simply says, "Perhaps a prescription to help her sleep?"

"No, I don't want to sleep, I want a baby. Prescribe me a baby," Sakura insists, pointing to her enlarged stomach. "There's one in here."

"Lady Sakura, you're not dilated enough to go into labour," the kind-faced doctor says, looking up from where he's been examining the file the nurse prepared for him.

"I'm close enough," Sakura insists. "Two and a half centimetres. I made Sasuke check this morning."

The doctor gives him an incredulous look, and when Sasuke nods wearily, the expression turns sympathetic.

"You know that's not enough," the doctor tells her gently. "It will be a little longer yet, you just have to be patient. Just…enjoy the last few days you have of being so intimately connected to your baby. The next few weeks will bring their own difficulties."

Sakura nods at this, smiling at the man, and then indicates that he come closer. Before Sasuke can warn him, she's clutching the doctor's shirt and bringing him close to her face.

"I can shatter mountains with my pinky," she tells him sweetly. "Are you sure there's nothing you can do?"

"L-L-Let me find you a pamphlet about natural methods of inducing l-l-labour," the man stammers.

うちは

"I still don't see how this is going to work," Sasuke says, sitting cross-legged in their room at the inn while Sakura devours her sixth pineapple. Several shopping bags are spread out amongst their belongings, various ingredients from the list the doctor gave her lying akimbo.

"My mouth feels funny," Sakura says instead of answering. "Does my tongue look fuzzy?"

She sticks it out at him.

"It looks like a tongue."

"You no hepp," she grumbles, and then retracts her tongue. A strange expression crosses her face.

"Sakura?"

"Help me up!" she cries, and Sasuke scrambles to do as she says.

"Is it the baby—?"

"Ugh, move!" she groans, clutching her stomach and waddling to the door as fast as she can. "I need a toilet!"

She doesn't bother closing the shoji as she scrambles to the bathroom.

Sasuke sighs and reaches for the list, discarded among her items. He wonders what other insanity she intends to try…

うちは

At first, Sakura is somewhat reasonable about the whole thing, sticking to the edible remedies.

"The methods which have the least amount of physical and chemical impact are the best," she tells him, before pinching her nose shut and drinking castor oil straight from the bottle ("It can stimulate uterine contractions!"). And again when she downs an entire pot of raspberry leaf tea ("I don't care if I have to go to the bathroom all day, this is going to work!"). And as she munches away at several pieces of black liquorice. ("This is disgusting. I can't believe you would eat this by choice.")

Sasuke wonders what exactly her definition of 'impact' is.

The next day they try spicy food.

Sasuke frowns down at his curry, thinking it isn't hot enough for his liking, while Sakura sits beside him making faces and sputtering.

"You're going to give yourself heartburn," he tells her helpfully.

"Too late," she croaks, tears streaming down her cheeks.

うちは

Sasuke puts his foot down around the time she tries clary sage oil.

"But some women into labour just from smelling it!" she protests an hour later, scratching desperately at the hives breaking out over her skin while Sasuke contemptuously throws the canister out the window.

"And some women instead turn into a human cactus pear," he retorts, pointedly grabbing her fingers to keep her from scratching. He's surprised that the only resistance he gets from her is a feeble whine of protest, and not a shove that pushes him through the walls of their room. "This has to end. You're not eating anything else that will make you sick."

"It's not making me sick, it's just not working," she answers mutinously, trying to scratch her ear with her shoulder.

He rolls his eyes and grumbles. "Honestly, you're supposed to be a medic…"

うちは

They pass by a playground, and Sakura considers the seesaws in speculation.

"Darling—"

"No."

"But—"

"No!"

"The up-and-down movement might help—"

"NO!"

"Hmph… Just for that, you will change every dirty diaper when the baby's born…"

うちは

One day he walks into their room to find her sitting on the bed, her shirt off and methodically rubbing the nipples of her larger-than-usual breasts.

He stares.

"Why are you doing that?" he asks after several seconds of trying to decide if he's actually seeing what he thinks he's seeing.

"Stimulation of the areoles can cause a release of oxytocin, which can cause contractions in the uterus and start labour," she informs him unblushingly.

He watches her for another minute or so, and then clears his throat.

"I should do that for you," he tells her, beginning to shrug off his cloak.

Sakura grins at him knowingly.

"You know, I also read that sex can be helpful," she goes on, wide-eyed with innocence that he knows is just artifice. "Semen contains prostaglandins that can soften the cervix."

For the first time since they've been married, he hesitates over the possibility of sex. "It won't hurt the baby?"

"With all the cushioning I've got going here?" she deadpans, patting her large stomach. "Not a chance."

"Hn…"

"Of course, from what I've read, it says we'd have to do it like six times in a row for it work," she goes on absently. "I'm not sure if we're up for that…"

Sasuke shoots her an insulted look.

Well, now he's going to take that as a challenge…

うちは

"This isn't working," Sakura says the next morning.

"I thought it was," Sasuke replies, lying back with his arms behind his head and unable to keep the smug tone out of his voice.

"Oh, shut up," his wife mutters, and he glances to one side to watch her struggle to turn over and face him. The ordeal reminds him of a turtle trying to turn over, but he wisely says nothing.

She makes several unsuccessful attempts to grab the pamphlet from beside their bed before he takes pity on her, snatching the piece of paper and then tapping her forehead with it. He's being unconscionably affectionate, but most men would be after six orgasms.

Sakura scrunches her nose at the pamphlet. "You know…I'm starting to think this advice was written by a man."

うちは

"Let's spar," Sakura suggests another time, after reading about how strenuous physical activity.

Sasuke doesn't even dignify that with a response, causing her to throw a giant boulder at him in retribution.

He dodges, of course, but he doesn't appreciate it.

Honestly, if she doesn't have this baby soon, I'm not sure I'm going to survive it…

うちは

Sakura lies on her side, back to him and shoulders shaking.

"I'm fat," she sniffles, "and I can't move…and I always have to pee…and I'm going to be like this forever because the baby doesn't ever want to leave."

Sasuke says nothing, at this stage of thinks knowing there is absolutely nothing he can say to make her feel better. Instead, he lies in place and gently rubs his hand up and down her spine.

"What if I'm pregnant forever?"

"You know that's biologically impossible."

"Technically so is breathing fire and jumping through time and space," she returns sullenly.

"What?"

"Nothing."

They lie in silence together for several minutes, and then suddenly Sasuke freezes. The bedding is suddenly soaked, and he groans against the back of Sakura's head. It's not the first time her bladder has given out since the beginning of her pregnancy, but it's still unpleasant.

"I'll get some towels—" he begins, but her hand snatches backward to grab his.

"Sasuke!" she whispers, astonishment and joy and anxiety in her voice. "My water just broke!"

Sasuke pauses a beat to make sure he just heard correctly, and then exhales in relief.

"Thank fuck," he says, scooping her up out of the bed. "Come on, we're going to the hospital."

"Sasuke, I'm pretty sure I can walk—"

"Not fast enough," he insists. "We have a baby that needs to be evacuated from your womb, for the sake of both out sanity."

If he uses the Rinnegan to transport them instantly to the delivery room, she's good enough not to say anything about it.

終わり

Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps! And be sure to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu) for content you won't necessarily find on this site.

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