a/n: Yeah, yeah, I know I should be working on A Study in Alchemy, but hear me out. My current computer needs to be fixed, so I am using a different device to get on here. I went looking through my old files and guess what I found? A crossover one shot I had written a while back! Ah, memories. I thought it would be fun to post it. It's short, but I personally find it funny (hence the 'humor' genre marking). Hopefully my laptop gets fixed soon and I can get back to A Study in Alchemy.

So we meet again... = Thought (Or, in the case of this story, it can be a flashback)
Ed glared at the bottle of milk sitting mockingly in front of him. = Everything else

~o(0)o~ = Viewpoint change

~~~v~~~ = Time Skip

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or Harry Potter, but hey, I never stop wishing I do.

Gate Crasher

The Gate slammed shut in front of the alchemist, banishing him into the endless darkness of Truth. The white being smiled. It was rare he had the chance to mess with someone so often, and he intended to milk it for all it was worth. Mr. Alchemist, meet magic.

~o(0)o~

Sirius was enjoying his first cup of morning coffee and admiring the sleepy atmosphere in his house when it happened. Blue lightning, rushing air, and the clear– yet strange– sound of massive doors slamming shut shattered the silence in the kitchen. Then something heavy slammed onto the dining table.

The framed wizard toppled backwards in his chair as the thing smacked onto the table with large crash. From the floor, he couldn't see what had smashed into his kitchen, but when Sirius looked up at the ceiling, he saw no hole or sign that something had fallen through. For a minute, the wanted man held himself still, waiting for something to happen. Upstairs, he could hear the others moving around, probably awakened by the sudden noise, but the kitchen was silent–

"Nnh…" A faint groan of pain made Sirius's ears perk up, and he pushed himself off the floor. Could it be that the something that had fallen out of nowhere…was actually a someone? The wizard stood just as the door to the kitchen slammed open to admit Remus, Molly, and the others currently staying at the Black residence.

"Sirius, what happened?" Remus questioned urgently, wand drawn. The ex-convict didn't speak for a moment, simply gesturing, stunned, at the figure splayed across the surface of his table.

"…He fell on the table." Sirius studied the mysterious personage. Since the figure was lying face down, no one could see his face, but Sirius was fairly sure it was a 'he'. 'He' was fairly short, with long, blond hair in a loose braid. The blond wore a red overcoat displaying a strange snake-wing-cross symbol on the back, black leather pants, and thick-soled black boots. The whole outfit was soaked through with what Sirius assumed was water. One arm was tucked under the red overcoat, and the other was positioned carelessly by his head. Sirius noted curiously that the blond wore white gloves on both hands. The man was eerily still and hadn't made another sound since the others had entered, so the wanted wizard assumed he wasn't conscious. In fact, the guy was so still that Sirius might have thought him dead if not for the slight grunt earlier– he didn't even look to be breathing.

Remus, Molly, and the kids– Harry, Hermione, Ron, and the twins– moved cautiously into the kitchen.

"Who is he?" Ron asked.

Sirius shrugged, looking at the Weasley. "How am I supposed to know? He came out of nowhere."

"Hey! He just moved!" The twins exclaimed in unison. Sirius snapped his gaze back to the blond, but he didn't see– There! The hand resting up by the man's head twitched.

"Kids. Out. Now." Remus commanded.

"But–!" The younger residents of the Black house were cut off as the werewolf shot them a stern glare.

"Now." Remus repeated. Molly ushered her children (plus Hermione) out of the dining area before closing the door and locking it with a flick of her wand. Remus muttered a few words, and a silvery wolf sprang from tip of his wand. The patrons raced out of the room, probably to alert Dumbledore of the situation.

"Be careful;" Lupin looked Sirius, then Molly, in the eyes. "He could be–"

A stuttering, gasping intake of air interrupted the ex-professor, as the man on the table suddenly drew in a huge breath. Almost immediately, the blond began coughing violently, his body trembling as it was wracked with rasping, wheezing explosions of air.

"What in Merlin's name…" Sirius muttered, unsure what to do. The man's hacking just got worse, and his gloved hands had moved to grip his stomach.

"Oh my!" Molly exclaimed pointing on horror at a stain quickly growing under the mysterious intruder. Sirius felt sick when he realized what it was: blood.

"Flip him over!" Remus yelled, and he and Sirius quickly turned the man so that he face the ceiling. All three wizards gasped.

Crimson liquid trickled from the blond's mouth with each cough, and more flowed freely from a gaping hole in the (Oh my gosh he's only a kid, Sirius realized with shock as he caught a glimpse of the young man's pain-contorted features) teen's side. With mounting horror, Sirius noted that he could see straight through the blond to the table beneath. He's been impaled!

Looking up at a choked sob, Sirius saw Molly with one hand over her mouth and looking as if about to collapse. Crap! she's the only one who knows–

"Molly! Cast a healing charm!" Remus beat Sirius to the punch.

Molly shakily waved her wand, and the blood around the convulsing blond vanished. Another wave, and the bleeding stopped altogether. With a final flick, the wound closed, held by a thin layer of delicate, pink skin.

Sirius pulled a chair over, and Remus gently guided the thoroughly shaken woman to sit in it. As the werewolf put an arm around her shoulders to comfort her, Sirius stumbled back to the table. He stared at the teen who, moments ago had been in the throes of agony, and was now lying still on the dining table. Small, shuddering breaths accompanied the slight rise and fall of the teen's chest.

That's right. He's a kid. Sirius remembered numbly as he scrutinized the unknown boy's features. Unruly, golden-blond bangs fell over closed eyes. Though his features were chiseled and strong, the blond was obviously in his young teens... But Sirius had never seen anyone wounded that badly.

How did a kid manage to get an injury like that?…How did the kid even get in here? Sirius asked himself, remembering the question everyone had been wondering before the mystery visitor had started coughing up a lung.

Just as the Azkaban escapee was turning to say something to Lupin and Molly about the teen's inexplicable appearance, he caught movement in the corner of his vision. Sirius swung back to the table. Molten gold swirled within a vortex of raw emotions met Sirius's gaze.

The boy had opened his eyes.

~o(0)o~

Ed wanted a vacation. One that didn't, in any way, involve traveling, chasing down wanted persons, or ending with him being severely injured during a fight– no, Ed had had plenty of that. So what was the Fullmetal alchemist like when he opened his eyes to find himself in an unfamiliar room, surrounded by unknown people, feeling as if someone had ripped a hole in his gut, and having no idea how he had gotten into this situation? He was ticked.

"Who are you?" He demanded, sitting up and looking straight at a skinny man with long, tangled, black hair. Ow, not a good idea, Ed thought as a muted feeling of agony began spreading from his abdomen. "Where the hell am I?"

The man jumped back, drawing a stick from a pocket and pointing it at the young alchemist. With a quick glance, Ed saw the two others in the room with him, a motherly red-headed woman and a mild-aged man wearing a ragged suit, were doing the same.

A hostile environment. Ed observed. Now how did I get here?

"We ask the questions here." The suited man said, gesturing with the wood. "You're outnumbered."

Hmm…they use the same language, but I can't place this guy's accent.

"Are those splinters supposed to be threatening?" Fullmetal laughed. At the movement, the dull pain in his side suddenly flared up, and the alchemist barely suppressed a wince. "I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I can guarantee those thin sticks of yours won't be enough to protect you if I don't start getting some answers." He brought his hands up in a defensive position, ready to clap at the slightest provocative movement.

"…You…don't know what these are?" That was the woman speaking. She gestured at the stick she held in her hand, and her tone suggested it should have been obvious to the alchemist. Ed was running out of patience. The pain in his abdomen was growing steadily worse, and the constant throbbing was doing nothing for his temper.

"Besides pointless slivers of lumber? How the heck should I know? Now you're going to tell me who you are and exactly how far we are from Briggs–" Ed's eyes widened and he cut himself off. He remembered how this had happened.

~~~v~~~

"You sure you want to do this?"

"It might take a few years off my lifespan." The alchemist admitted.

"And you're okay with that?!"

"It was my naivety that got me into this mess, so I might as well suck it up and pay the price to get out of it."

"I've got no idea what you're talking about, but you seem to know what you're doing. Just tell me when to pull."

Ed held his mismatched hands above the steel beam implanted in his stomach. He nodded to the gorilla chimera. "Do it."

Screams. Someone was screaming. He was screaming. Pain. Agony like nothing else. No, he had to think about something else. He had to remember what it was like: what it was like to use the Philosopher's stone in Envy– what it was like to use others' lives and channel the power of the soul.

White. No, he wasn't supposed to be here! Ed looked around for a way out, but the blank expanse stretched on into eternity, only broken by a pair of stone doors.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Alchemist come back to play." A white figure, visible only because of a faint outline of shadows stood between Ed and the Gate.

"I didn't ask to come here!" Ed tried. "This isn't what I wanted! Let me leave!"

Truth gave the alchemist a cheshire grin. "What are you talking about little Mr. Al~che~mist? Didn't you want to heal yourself? Didn't you perform human transmutation?"

"No! I mean yes! But no–"

"Don't worry. You already paid part of the toll. I won't heal you though. No, that would be too easy for you and no fun for me. Instead, I'll send you to where you can be healed." The alabaster shadow cocked its head. "Hmm, yes, that place would be quite entertaining."

"What are you talking about you basta–"

"Now, now, Little Alchemist, watch your language and have a nice trip!"

~~~v~~~

"Shit!" His memories returned, Ed frantically pawed at his stomach, trying to find his wound. The alchemist cried out in pain as his metal fingers made contact with the tender flesh of the skinned-over hole in his gut. Damn. He pulled his hand away, but the glove was clear of blood. For a moment he looked at it in confusion.

How did it…? His eyes widened as he realized what must have happened.

"No, no, no, heck no! Not again!" His hands began running over his body again, searching for whatever was missing. He jumped up, dimly noting that he had been lying on a table, to pat down the rest of his body. "What did you take, you grinning sonuva–?"

Something poked into his back. On reflex, Ed dropped to the ground and swept his leg out behind him, tripping the black-haired man and sending the stick he had been holding against the alchemist's back skittering across the ground.

Agony. Spots filled Ed's vision as a thousand knives stabbed into his brain. He gasped, in too much pain for his scream to find voice. Bad move. Bad move. Don't jump around with a hole in your stomach, you idiot!

"Incarcerous!"

Ed arms were suddenly pinned to his sides as black cords appeared out of nowhere. He fell painfully to the ground, letting out a strangled yell as he landed on his wounded side. Where did these ropes come from?

"Stupify!"

~o0o~

Sirius was knocking back his fourth cup of coffee as he stood– well, sat– watch in front of the room that held their mysterious intruder. Remus was inside, trying to find out more information about the boy while the blond was still unconscious. Sirius still couldn't believe any of this was happening. Even for wizard standards, the chain of events this morning– Merlin, has it only been a few hours?– was insane.

"Argh!" THUMP.

Sirius jumped up from his chair as Remus cried out. The ex-convict drew his wand and threw open the door to find the werewolf on the floor, nursing one shoulder. On the bed against the wall stood the now-awake intruder, the blond's golden eyes alight with fury as he readied himself throw another punch.

"What in the name of Truth were you doing to my automail?" The angry teen yelled at the downed lycanthrope.

"Is that what it's called?" Remus mused from the floor.

"What is what called?" Sirius asked. The room's occupants looked at him as if just now noticing he had joined them. As the strange boy turned to see his new opponent, the animagus's eye caught a glimmer of metal from the kid's arm. "Merlin's beard…" Was all Sirius could manage through his astonishment.

The blond's gloves had been removed, and while his left hand was like any other, the kid's right hand had been replaced by an appendage of glittering steel.

"Who doesn't know what automail is?" The boy asked skeptically, his left hand gesturing at the prosthetic. "Don't tell me I ended up in some place without technology!"

"Well, if we were in muggle London there would be more technology, but since–" Lupin was interrupted.

"Muggle what?"

"London. London, England." The blond just looked confused by Remus's answer.

"And where the hell is that? West or East of Xing?"

"Xing? Never heard of it." Not noticing the way the teen had stiffened, eyes wide, Lupin continued. "Like I was saying, you won't see technology here since it's not compatible with magic."

"…Magic?" The kid scoffed. "Magic doesn't exist!"

"Yeah?" Sirius flicked his wand, summoning a plush chair under Remus.

"Th-that–" The blond choked. "That's not possible. Not poss–" His eyes widened suddenly, and he snapped his gaze to the ceiling. "Dammit, Truth! Magic? You dropped me somewhere with magic!? What are you trying to pull?!" The kid started cursing, creatively weaving together insults and expletives from several unrecognizable languages. Apparently, the boy was well educated, as he was still going strong after a few minutes.

Sirius shared a glance with Lupin. Who is he talking to? Is this kid insane?

"…Who are you talking to?" Sirius tried.

The blond spared him a glance before returning to glare at the ceiling. "That cheeky con artist Truth. The sick jerk probably thought it would be fun to see me scramble around with magic." The teen spat out the word as if it had personally offended him. With an angry sigh, the blond dropped onto the bed and rested his forehead against his metal fingers. In contrast with the angry teen the wizards had seen up until this point– making demands and throwing out punches– the kid now looked exhausted beyond his years.

Sirius was trying to decided what to do when he heard the blond let out a whispered curse. "They've never heard of Xing, so I'm either on the other side of the world, or…" Another curse. "Knowing him, he decided on the latter. Looks like I'm going to be here a while."

Now that the kid was talking calmly (even if he sounded insane), Sirius decided to leave him be. Maybe he will give away something.

"Who are you?" Apparently, Remus had other ideas.

Surprisingly, the kid responded. "Edward. Edward Elric. My friends call me Ed."

Sirius gaped. "You're just going to tell us?!" He practically shouted. "What about before when you just about attacked us for asking the same thing?"

'Ed' sighed. "Equivalent exchange. You want answers, right? You ask me something, and then I ask you something." The teen shrugged before adding fatalistically. "I have all the time in the world," A microscopic grin flashed across Edward's lips at the word, as if it was a private joke. "So I might as well do something."

"…You said we had to give something in return, so what do you want for giving us your name?" Ah, there was Remus with the important questions. "We won't give you anything for just a name to a face." The wizards shifted their wands in their grip, anticipating an outlandish request. He did come from the ceiling after all.

"I just want your names. It has to be an equivalent trade." The boy said as if it should have been obvious.

Sirius shared another glance with Remus. Remus could give his name no problem, but Sirius? The kid would surely recognize the escaped convict's name, and then the two of them would never manage to get any information out of Ed. The blond seemed to notice their hesitation and spoke up.

"Don't worry about telling me your names. Believe me; no matter who you are, I have a feeling I won't recognize them. All I want is something to call you by."

"What would stop you from telling someone else– someone who would recognize our names?" Sirius asked. If even one wizard knows I'm still in London…

"What would stop me?" The teen parroted. "Well, for starters, I having no freakin clue where I am." Edward gestured around him. It was surprising how well the kid's prosthetic arm could move. "Where would I go?"

"We already told you we're in London." Sirius reminded. The blond just shook his head.

"London, England, right?" When the two wizards nodded, he held up his hands. "Where is that? I'm not from around here."

Remus was the first to recover from Elric's glaring lack of world knowledge. "It's on a large island in the atlantic ocean and is considered part of the European continent."

The blond nodded thoughtfully. "Never heard of it, so that just proves it…" He trailed off before looking back at Remus. "Thanks. I'll look it up later if I have time."

"Ah," The werewolf stopped him. "Equivalent exchange, right? Where are you from?"

Surprisingly, the teen grinned. "Now you're talking a language I can understand. I'm from Resembool, Amestris. It's landlocked by the countries of Drachma, Xing, Creta, and Aerugo."

"Never heard of them." Sirius grumbled as Remus shot him a glare.

"Not my problem. Now, I still haven't heard your names." Edward looked at the two wizards expectantly.

After a moment's hesitation, Remus extended his hand. "Remus Lupin."

Ed took the offered hand gingerly in with his metal prosthetic, obviously taking care not to exert too much pressure during the handshake. When that was done, Elric turned to Sirius. "And you?"

Sirius was trapped within the teen's golden gaze. He could give Ed a fake name, but something told him that those stunning eyes would be able to see right through it. Aw, to heck with it. "The name's Sirius Black. Recognize it?"

The blond showed no reaction to the wizard's name, to which Sirius was honestly surprised despite the kid's previous claims. "No. Should I?"

Sirius shook his head, relieved.

"Alright, ask another question."

"Are you a spy for You-Know-Who?" Sirius blurted out.

Ed looked at him blankly. "I don't know who, so most likely not. Who are you talking about?"

"You don't know about Voldemort?!" An unfamiliar voice exclaimed. Muffled shushing accompanied the voice that had shouted through the door. All heads whipped around, and with a flick of Remus's wand, the door opened. Standing in the hallway were the children– Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the front– all looking incredibly guilty for eavesdropping on the conversation with the mysterious stranger.

"Um, hi." Hermione started awkwardly. "I'm Hermione, and this is Ron and Harry." The female Gryffindor gestured at each boy in turn. "Um, what's your name–"

Ed stood suddenly and strode towards the kids, a look of deep concentration on his face. Sirius put himself in between the blond and his godson, but the teen pushed right past him to stand directly in front of Harry.

Everyone watched in silence as Edward ran his eyes over the Boy-Who-Lived, scrutinizing every detail. Finally, after almost a minute, the blond's face melted into a look of pure joy.

"Harry, was it?" Nod. "Do you have an extra soul?"

"…WHAT?!" Harry's exclamation of surprise was accompanied by the sound of everyone else voicing their shock. "What are you–?"

"Ah, here it is." Ed had used his flesh hand to push up the bangs covering Harry's forehead and was staring at the boy's lightning-shaped scar. "Who would have thought I would get a chance like this so soon..." He trailed off happily before looking back at Harry. "I hope you don't mind if I use this– actually, I don't care if you do mind. I want to get home."

Before anyone could recover from their shock, Edward clapped his mismatched hands together, the unusually loud sound echoing through the room. Ed then slapped both hands onto Harry's scar, and blue lightning erupted out of nowhere.

"Hey! Get away from my–" Sirius fired a spell at Ed, but the azure light surrounding the blond soaked up the magic like it was nothing. Before all of their eyes, Edward began flaking into pieces, but the still-grinning teen didn't seem the least bit concerned.

"Truth, you better put me near Briggs this time, or so help me–" Ed's entire body suddenly dissolved into specks of light that were instantly zapped away by the mysterious lightning, which itself then vanished as quickly as it had come.

Silence.

The residents of the Black house stared at each other. What just…?

There was no sign of Ed, not even a strand of blond hair. The only evidence that the teen had ever existed were Remus's sore shoulder and Harry's–

"…Harry, where's your scar?"

As everyone crowded around the scar-deprived young wizard, Sirius made his way down to the kitchen.

He was done. Just flat out done. It didn't matter that Dumbledore would probably be arriving soon and would be expecting answers. Sirius Black was officially done for the day, and nothing was going to get in his way.

I'm going to need another pot of coffee.