Chapter 1: The Desk of Requirement

Legal Disclaimer anything you recognise in this story belongs to someone else, most likely to JK Rowling and/or her business partners. Any characters you don't recognise are mine. The specific plot in this fic may be mine; I say "may be" because fanfiction is vast, and one can never be sure there isn't a very similar one elsewhere. I'm not getting anything out of writing this except the satisfaction of fixing what I perceive to be brokenness elsewhere in HP land.

Rated M for swearing in later chapters (however common some of them appear to be in many walks of life!)

The story is complete, and chapters have been posted all at once.

(Context: somewhere in 5th year. This fic was "inspired" by reading a completely pointless fic where Remus and Sirius read the epilogue, and basically just smile and grin to themselves, happy that Harry is alive and well and all that. They don't actually do anything.

As I said, pointless. So I decided to xkcd 386 that one-shot ;-)

I did start it as a one-shot, but then the story ran away from me! That's life I guess...)

Sirius was not a happy person.

It all started a month or so ago, when Hermione owled Sirius to say that the Umbridge woman was actively targeting Harry, and that during his last detention with her, the bitch (yes, Hermione swore in a letter!) had used a quill without ink that caused Harry's hand to bleed.

Then came the news that Harry was being taught occlumency by Snape (she did not prefix "Professor" to the name), and had come back with the mother of all headaches from the first session, as well as a deep rooted fear that Snape would soon learn all his secrets.

Remus, just before leaving on some mission for the old meddler, had strongly cautioned him from doing anything, and said "it will all work out in the end, don't worry". Bloody werewolf, still blinded by gratitude for something that was 20 years old now.

He thought for a long time about things. Depressed, he walked into his grandfather's office, and started cleaning it. He had hitherto not wanted to enter this room, and had also forbidden Kreacher from entering it. Now he needed something mind-numbingly boring and tedious to do, and this fit, since parts of the room seemed to be magic resistant and had to be cleaned manually.

Having spent the better part of an hour cleaning, he sat himself down at the magnificent desk. It was probably a few hundred years old if it was a day, and yet it looked fantastic. What was more, it seemed to have an internal magic of its own. Nothing dark (unlike most of the stuff in this cursed house) but unknown and mysterious for all that. Sirius spent a few hours trying to discover what that was.

Giving up after some time, he put his hands on the smooth top, rested his head on them, face down, and took himself back to thinking about Harry.

"I wish I knew how Harry's life would turn out in the end!", he whimpered quietly.

And a book dropped down, as if literally from the heavens, and bounced off the top of his head, landing on the desk beside his face.

Sirius reared back in shock. Recovering, he checked it for curses and jinxes, and carefully opened it. It appeared to be a muggle book, and also appeared to be the seventh in some series about his godson.

Wondering how this book had materialised, he read past the front matter, only to find the pages were... unreadable. He could make out they had writing on them, but he could not focus on them. In frustration, he flipped the book's pages and found quite by chance that the last few pages were readable. That was evidently the epilogue of the book.

After throwing up, cleaning himself up, then throwing up again, Sirius finally decided to sit down and think about this.

Clearly, Molly, or her daughter, had done a number on his godson. He had already seen her looking at Harry greedily - and not the teenage hormone kind, which would at least have been understandable. There was more to this than just physical attraction.

And then... Snape! Of all people, the greasy bastard had faked his way into Harry's good books to the point that Harry would name a son after him? What rubbish. The son of a bitch had made Harry's life miserable all these years, and even now was raping his mind, and Harry names a son after him?

This had to be Dumbledore's doing. He had always had a soft spot for the greasy git - vouched for him personally to make sure he got off even without a trial, while he, Sirius, had been chucked in without a trial - and clearly there was something afoot.

Something needed to be done. Both the long term problem of Molly and Ginny, and the immediate ones of Umbridge and Snivellous.