Chapter 17: Unburdened Company
By BelovedWithKindness

Days passed and Severus was back in his rooms, able to teach but opting for a time to adjust which Albus was happy to offer. All injuries were faded bar some echoes of pain from the curses he had endured at length during his torture, but the biggest adjustment was not from his recovery but to his freedom. He found it natural to be wary, always as though a target was on his back anyway so seeking security in the well guarded castle was not new for him.

There were moments of absolute clarity, practiced duty, warmth and elation and a lost numbness. The amount of information he'd been able to rattle off to Albus and other Order members as required and just to have it out and an ongoing process as ever, however he knew that it would spark a great deal of trials and no longer pretending just who was found out and who was not. Several Death Eaters were not found much like Bellatrix Lestrange which was to be expected. The Dark Lord continued to summon him painfully, more in anger than believing he would actually come, Severus knew he had to stay safe and for a long while, but that wasn't too bad and eventually Voldemort seemed to move on, though he did keep a numbing salve to make his day bearable just in case.

He could tell there were times twins wanted to say things too, ask him about what the change meant but they could see the dark haired man didn't know yet either, perhaps not quite ready yet. For all this reason for secrecy had been real it was a habitual go to and defence, he didn't have that anymore when it came to Severus being himself. He genuinely couldn't do a great deal of things in life while in that role, and he had resigned himself to that fact, the relationship with the twins the most outlandish risk he'd taken…but over time it became all he knew.

All he knew was to avoid or control elements of his life under the umbrella of being a spy. He felt exposed, he felt that as one weight was lifted he was too light and just wanted firm footing again, and he knew it was a survival instinct he had to break and challenge but it was so hard. He had been terrified many time in his life, but never scared in this way, not exactly. But he knew he had to face it, he did worry sometimes that the twins might feel hurt by him, like he should be jumping for joy and declaring his feelings for them to the world, celebrating newfound freedom with excitement. But thats not how it works, chains being removed left ghostly coils where they once restrained, the weight and fit of armour familiar though no longer worn. Severus was still shackled in his own skin but without reason.

Those kinds of thoughts were the kind of muddled thinking that filled Severus' head throughout his day, from his meals to conversations, from happy moments shared with the twins and to times alone this jumble of questions didn't leave him. Even as he stood numbly in the shower, steam fogging the space as he let hot water stream over his hair and body, soaking his dark locks like ink against flushed pale skin. Staring blankly at the tiles he just focused on his breathing, occasionally pressing his hands to wipe away the condensation in a dazed fascination at how the moisture moved, reflected and dripped. His eyes glimpsing at his own dark mark on his arm and the many scars over his flesh.

He had no classes to deliver for now, no spying to do, of course the war was still to be won but effectively his life was his own, to a degree anyway…he wanted to scream, he wanted to curl up and disappear, he wanted someone else to start making decisions for him, for something to happen, something to secure him…something. It wasn't as simple as giving himself over to feelings for the twins, he enjoyed that part of his life so dearly and would do anything to keep it, that wasn't the question: he couldn't exist only as an extension of them. That wasn't healthy and it wasn't fair. He needed to feel stable on his own two feet.

He had so long been in a prison of his own skin, and like many convicts he missed the security of being caged, it wasn't right but it was all he'd known for so long and the outside world? It scared him. For over an hour he stood in the shower, letting the sensations of the water and heat roll over him as he tried to find something to help, like he was constantly teetering on the edge of everything to gain, everything lost and everything to lose at the same moment.

At some point, like whispers in the dark some unconscious part of him had reached some decision and his body moved on its own, stepping out of the shower movements were careful and deliberate as rivulets trailed down his skin. Muttering a wandless drying spell that was only so powerful, enough to dry skin but hair still dripped, he deftly put on his clothes, not his usual billowing cloak, just whatever he found first and went on. Such clothes ended up being black trousers and a long sleeved charcoal jumper with an open neck, it was still warm outside so he barely noticed as he suddenly found himself there, the journey missed by his daze as he walked in the cool breeze. His hair was still wet and droplets tickled his collarbone, the only sensations that met his foggy mind as he walked letting the sun's warmth wash over him brought him into some awareness of the place he was in.

By the lake, he must have passed several gardens and people but he couldn't find it in himself to care, he found a private little spot on a bench to watch the ripples and sky reflected in the body of water. Despite the privacy he felt so exposed, everything he did before was so calculated, his attire like an armour and now he was reckless, he would watch his every step and aspect of his surroundings and now he had walked without bother, why had he done this? and why did it feel like this? All he'd done was go outside…because he felt like it, hadn't thought about what to wear or hiding behind shadows and cloth, Severus felt the sun over his face while his wet hair dripped cooling his skin he felt something he would never be able to name, whatever it was must be incredibly powerful.

"Sev?" He needn't have turned to look, only two very special people to him called him that, but he did give a soft glance in the direction of the voice, but didn't answer, he didn't have the words. Fred and George took in the sight before them, in too much concern to nudge the other about their boyfriend's appearance however lovely it may be, he looked so young, so…lost.

"Would you mind some company?" was asked and slowly Severus moved to the middle of the bench but still didn't speak, and in response Fred sat to Severus' left and George to the right, they didn't pressure him to speak or even distract him with touches, they were sitting with him, waiting with him through the experience and he was grateful. For the longest time all three just sat and watched the lake, it really was a beautiful day, and part of them wished they could just forget all the complicated stuff and just have a picnic for the heck of it, but the sweet truth was there would be other beautiful days to do just that, they needed this moment before that however.

It was a surprise when Severus finally spoke, that velvety tone in the crisp air made both twins listen intently "I'm not sure what to tell you…I'm not sure what to think, how to feel…" his tone was not meek, he spoke each work as if tailoring to how best he could convert his situation. He wasn't saying he didn't know, he was saying he knew he was going through the experience of not knowing, and though subtle it made a large difference. Severus was a person who knew of advantages and disadvantages just the difference each one could make, to admit his confusion and vulnerability on this topic was on a whole new level from anything he'd done before.

"That's okay Sev, take all the time you need, and while were not out of the woods we're relieved you're here, home, with us."

The Slytherin smiled, it was so difficult to experience so many truths at once, what the twins said was true, it made him happy to hear, but "I know…I just….it's not that simple either, a lot has happened over the years, I'm…even back years ago it would never be an easy life, and with new scars, deeds done and people lost…as free as I might be now…I am not unburdened."

His words were choice, the importance of this new challenge something handled with care, and it became more and more apparent to the red heads just what was occurring, it had started after he awoke in the infirmary…or perhaps before while captured? Severus was vulnerable, more vulnerable than he ever expected himself to be, likely because he realistically believed he would be defensive and war focused until an early death. He didn't expect to be breathing now, he didn't expect there to be a now for him. But he'd fought for it, he'd held out hope and now he was here facing a time, a future and to accept that? and knowingly so? As much as he'd ever opened up to them, as much trust as he'd put in them, Severus's act of vulnerability now was not to lower the armour, but to accept that he didn't need it in much of his life anymore, he deserved to take it off and that was a terrifying process. He was vulnerable…but…maybe…that was okay.

And that was when Severus looked to each of his partners in turn, his hands shook slightly and his breath seemed to catch in his chest, and those dark eyes showed depths of emotion rising to the surface, and both lovers were immediately turning to him but didn't know what to do, he had shuddered in their arms in the infirmary and here it seemed to be on a whole other level when he said "…I don't know what to do."

It broke their hearts to hear it hear the proud man sound so desperate, breaking in a way that hurt to watch but they didn't miss a beat as Fred was quick to wrap his arms around Severus, feeling every shutter and struggle, while George kneeled on the grass in front of the Slytherin, taking his hands and both witnessed the bravest, strongest man they'd ever met give into the overwhelming emotions like water to a collapsing dam.

In complete awe, they watched the painful yet beautiful sight as the first tear betrayed the Slytherin's control, something they had never seen and immediately they cast spells not he area so no one could see or hear just in case as George stood but still in front as both held him close while he shook and clung in ways they would never forget. Severus buried into George's shoulder while Fred protectively placed an arm around him and both stayed through wave after wave that hit their beloved, wetness on George's collar different to the drips of his hair the only warning before hearing an audible sob. Both brothers looked to each other in shock, never seeing the man like this, ever, and just hung onto him for as long as he needed them. They wanted so badly to make it easy, to take all the confusion and pain away, kissing his wet hair and hand soothing his side and saying sweet praises and comforts while the emotions washed over him reducing the fearful wizard to trembles and whimpers.

Eventually he seemed to find breaks in between to breathe and try to collect himself but several times he just fell right back into the crying and the twins never swayed from their posts. Amazed by him but just wanting him to be on the other side of the difficulty, they felt pride for the man and to know he could fall apart in their safe company was an honour. Slowly Severus' breathing started to calm, hitching every now and then from the previous sobs. The tears still wet on his skin but no longer flowed as they had moments ago, it was almost cute like an inconsolable child after all the fuss was reduced to tiny hiccups, until the worst was over and no tears were wiped away yet, left in the echo of the overwhelmed moment and left in a safe silence still bundled together.

For the longest while they just listened to each other and the sounds of the outside world slowly filtered into their reality again, the water, the wind and far off noises of people and bustling about, and at some point the right words to say came as Fred started "its alright that you don't know what to do…we can figure that out together," his voice soft and again the words deliberate, when George added "how to handle the fright of it, we can't do that for you, but we are here if you find our presence helps and we are happy to be here". As the twins often did they spoke in turns with "and for between us, for the future, that's just it, it is what you want to do, when ready and when its the right time, we've waited with you this long and we are so grateful for what we have already" and George finished "nearly losing you then, how close we actually were to that…to have what we have, and to get to have it today and tomorrow and the next day is incredible. We can figure some of these things out together, sometimes that's how people do it, even the free…"

Eventually Severus pulled out from the hold slightly, looking up through damp hair the sight was one they'd never forget, tear streaks on flushed ivory and obsidian eyes glistening in a gaze so meaningful they fell in love all over again, the feeling of the sun's rays and the blissful weather radiated over them, and he gave a smile, it was tired and not 'unburdened' as he had put it, but it was real…it was happy.

"I like that…and thank you both so much."