greetings like
'good morning' & 'good night'
are what we exchange every day
arguing at night and, in the morning,
sharing smiles once again
over a sunny-side-up egg

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( 365 Nichi Kazoku - 関ジャニ∞ )

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[LIFELINES]

chapter thirty-two: sold out

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Of all the things to find myself doing, this is something I had never anticipated myself to do.

It's just something I've never voluntarily done. Even if I was in diapers, I'm sure it wouldn't be something in my interest to pursue. However, there are some people who play their convincing game strong. They have that special knack to push you towards a direction you'd never foresee yourself going.

As much as I would have loved to refuse Miho's request...I've found myself being manipulated by her and agreeing to help her out.

"Yamato-senpai! Can you please repeat that line again?"

"We've gone over it over fifty times-"

Miho pouts. "But I want to perfect it!"

Maybe my influence on Miho is bad after all.

My perfectionism has rubbed onto her. You can clearly see this by the amount of times she has made me say 'Would you like some soba?' with my dry, colourless voice with her replying back 'I'd love some soba!' Looks like I'll be avoiding soba for a while now…

Our music sessions have changed into acting sessions. I'm not displeased about this (she's got a spot in a play for crying out loud!), but I feel like a fish out of water because acting has never been my forte. During elementary, my teacher had discovered this when she saw me scowling and how I'd refuse to act out the stupid lines. She had to drag me out of the play. Perhaps it's because the play hadn't been written well? Or that the props were bad and - scratch that. I'll stop here because I'm making excuses. I hate acting and it will never sit well with me. I'm innately horrible at it - to the point that I'd rather model and walk a runway than spout fake words out of my mouth. And, for me to even say that I'd prefer modeling is already a big deal - considering I hate modelling too. (I still get nightmares from the KOD photo shoots that we had to endure).

Regardless of my inexperience, Miho's acting her lines out well. Her eyebrows are furrowed as she concentrates going over and over lines until she's finally satisfied. As she continues to act everything out, I observe how much she really has grown while I was in rehab. With her bangs grown out, height inches taller, and her eyes sparkling with less doubt...it's quite a feat. Hell, she's determined as ever. It's like she's going through a dominating 'I can do anything' phase in her life - which, I don't blame her for considering she has landed herself a significant role in a play.

It is a big deal.

It's the equivalent to when KOD was scouted, and when we had officially signed the papers for the label. I recall the boys and I being over the moon, cocky, and enthusiastic. We did many stupid mistakes and, at least, with me to guide Miho...I can lead her back to the right pathway if she ever strays to the wrong path.

Anyway, I can't take all the credit for what she's achieved. Yutaka's the true MVP, the person who had gotten Miho's acting career started. Seiji-san had asked Yutaka to substitute in for me as her mentor while I had been in rehab. He helped her with voice lessons, having her singing accompany his piano playing. Her voice, like I had initially thought, didn't quite suit rock...and she had mentioned to Yutaka that she liked acting too, thus the idea came about. After a while of studying her skillset, Yutaka then suggested that she try theatre. I heard that she hesitated at first, but eventually was convinced to audition for a few roles...and voilà! She actually landed herself her first job!

"Senpai?"

"Huh?" I reply. I straighten my back when I note her waving her hand in my face. I give a sheepish grin, knowing that my thoughts had trailed off again. "Sorry."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I was just thinking of how proud I am of you and how far you've come, Miho-chan." I tilt my head to the side, messing up her hair. She flashes me an irritated look but I can see her lips curling upwards.

"Thanks." She scratches her neck. "Uh...same goes for you. I'm happy that you've overcome what you were going through too, senpai."

My kouhai is cute as ever. She doesn't know the each single detail of what I've gone through, but she's not stupid either. What matters is that we're both getting somewhere, that we're both improving on ourselves. Not many people really think about how important self-development is. Not everybody recognises or gets given an opportunity to reassess their lives, and although I had hit rock bottom - it's something that I learnt from. It taught me to realise what I really wanted.

Friends, family, music...that's what the magic three were, in no real particular order. Although there have been common, stifling issues with the three - these three categories have always been important to me. And, now, I've added health to the equations. This goes for both mental and physical health. Additionally, how can I look and worry about everybody else...when I can't even care for myself? That's been the biggest life lesson, and a definite eye opener for me this year.

Neglecting health hadn't been wise of me – especially when I had witnessed my father die at his deathbed. What more of an example did I need? When he had passed, that was when I should have gotten my shit together. And, even then, I had been in complete denial that everything had been eating me inside.

"See you next week!" Miho-chan says, and thanks me when our session is over.

It's 5pm. I usually linger around the studio a bit longer, but ever since getting back into the workforce my manager has enforced that I finish on the dot and that I don't work after-time. Whenever I think about it, there had been many times I would often skip dinner when I had been working. Now that I've stuck to my schedule, I realise how much better I feel. It may seem like something minor, but it's the little things that can help you progress.

Shrugging on my leather jacket, I give one last glance over the studio room. I switch the lights off and head out. As I stroll into the dark hallway, I almost land on my ass when my body knocks into somebody.

"Akira?" I exclaim.

Out of all people, I hadn't thought that I'd stumble across the drummer – especially considering how out of the way it is. Akira usually announces whenever he'll head into down. He's grown too attached to Chiba so when he's in Tokyo he tells everybody. This time he hasn't, and this time he also isn't with Yutaka.

"Seiji-san told me that I'd find you here. Dinner?" He asks me. "Let's eat out tonight."

"Can't we go back to my apartment?" I immediately reply. Although I'm better around crowds, I can't say that I've completely grown accustomed to being around people. Asides from the morning jogs, the studio and the supermarkets...I haven't gone anywhere else.

"Don't you want ramen?" He tempts me, wriggling his pierced eyebrows. "And...gyoza?"

At the word 'gyoza' my stomach is already rumbling. When was the last time I had some decent gyoza? I don't even remember. I'm certain he wants to go to the ramen restaurant, a block away from here. It had been the band's favourite go-to place. The restaurant's dinner set is the best. Ramen, gyoza and bottomless beers. Countless of times the members and I had gotten so drunk that the manager had to, kindly, tell us to leave.

Akira prompts me, "So I take your smile as a yes then?"

"Fine," I concede with a sigh.

It's not like I needed much persuading anyway. Besides, it's time to take small steps to get back into the real world again. At least, with Akira here, I'm not going by face everything by myself. And, I know, that although Akira's asking me to eat out...he's quietly also trying to expose me to public areas.

Pulling on a grey beanie and a face mask on, I follow his lead. "Any reason why you're in Tokyo?"

"Visited the parents for lunch. I was actually heading on my way back to Chiba, but then I remembered the studio was nearby, so I killed some time at pachinko and waited for you to finish."

"Lose a lot of money?"

"Maybe. Which is why you're paying for dinner, right? It'll be a date."

"Cheapskate," I chortle.

"By the way," Akira mentions, "I saw Natsuki at pachinko."

"Natsuki?" The name is familiar. When I try to think where I had heard it from, Akira speaks over my thoughts.

"You know...Takashi's sister!" Akira smirks. "The hot one."

I laugh. Of course Akira has to say that. I feel like the older we get, the more thirsty he becomes. I miss his company. Yutaka is the good guy, Takashi is the senpai I admire, but Akira has always been the perfect guy to be around whenever you want to talk absolute garbage with. He makes things funny, the weird mood-maker in our crew.

"Right," I respond. "You think everybody is hot."

"Possibly," he agrees, not even denying it. We stop at a corner, waiting for the pedestrian lights to turn to green. "Monogamy won't work for me in this life. Perhaps if I get reincarnated, I'll settle for one girl."

"Just thinking about being with somebody is giving me a headache," I grumble. "Sometimes I wish I wasn't on good terms with my mother again."

"Why?"

"Because she keeps talking about wanting to set me up with a girl that her neighbour knows. I don't understand why this has to involve me." I sigh. "It's been a real pain in the ass. Once something is on my mother's mind, she doesn't let go."

"Why not use the redhead as an excuse then?"

"Who?"

"Sora."

I shrug. "What does she have to do with anything?"

"A lot," Akira mutters. "I wouldn't say she's my most favourite person for you since she technically cheated on you...but she did go out of the way to let us know about you-"

I raise an eyebrow. "Let you know what?"

"That you were admitted to rehab."

"Oh…"

The pedestrian lights, thankfully, switch from red to green. I use this as an excuse to stop talking about her. What Akira had just said still eats at me though. Sora was thoughtful for doing that. She had pushed her resentment towards me aside, being sensible enough to inform my friends about me. I don't know why she had to; it wasn't like she was obliged to. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't have made any effort to track down my friends - especially after what I had one.

Arriving at our destination, a familiar waitress catches us at the entrance and ushers us to the back corner of the restaurant. Because she's accustomed to our visits, she doesn't bother to ask for our order, returning back to our table five minutes later with two bowls of chashu ramen, a side dish of crispy, golden gyoza, and two pints of Orion beer.

When she leaves, I slide the beer to Akira. He apologises, remembering my strict diet. I had sworn off alcohol. The only thing I'd sneak in is an occasional smoke, but otherwise I have been living quite healthy ever since I had been discharged.

"...December. Do you think you'll be able to?"

"For Yutaka's wedding ceremony?" I question. Akira has just suggested that we play, as a band, for Yutaka's wedding. Yutaka and his wife have already gotten married, but they had postponed the ceremony for the end of the year. Akira thinks that we should play a few songs at their ceremony, which isn't a bad idea. And that's when I realise what he's doing. He's aware that I get anxious in public, so this little ramen outing is a method to slowly get me out, to build up my confidence to perform in front of a people again.

"Yes. It's not fair that the bastard goes off and gets married without telling us, and now he's inviting us to his ceremony!" Akira says, "Well, at least we can celebrate something. This year has been a shit one. This is the least we can give to the goody two-shoes. Do you reckon you'll be uh...well enough for it?"

I smile. "I'll try."

At least it'll be something to aim for, and I've missed performing with the band. It's a shame that Takashi will be most likely missing, but with Akira, and I...we can pull a performance as a duo. It will be a great present for Yutaka, especially when he's done so much for us.

"It's him, isn't it?"

Giggles erupt near us. "The lead singer and the drummer to KOD!"

I glimpse a couple of girls on the next table, possibly in their mid-twenties, casting side glances at us. I had forgotten the random attention that we'd get. Even before rehab, I think I had been good at blocking fans out after being a veteran in the entertainment world. Them being here is testing me.

Akira exchanges looks with me, shrugging, and starts waving at the girls. I roll my eyes at him, looking away and focusing on finishing my bowl of ramen. I'm slightly sweating from this, but I - thankfully - am not feeling a panic attack coming. Maybe I am improving...

If I continue to keep surrounding myself around strangers, the fear will subside...or at least I'd think I'd like to hope so.

"Can I have the rest of your gyoza?" the drummer uses his chopsticks to attempt to take a grab of the fried dumplings on my plate.

"No way in hell, Akira." I block him with my body, chuckling.

I may have not completely bounced back, but that doesn't mean he can take advantage of me.

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When it's Hikari who opens the door, and not Taichi, I know that I've been sold out.

"No point scowling, Yamato." She cunningly smiles at me as she permits me entrance. "Come on in."

I don't need to look in the mirror to know that I'm glaring at my sister-in-law. I shake off my shoes and reluctantly step into the household. I can't believe I've walked into this.

All I know is that I'm dreading what's to come next because if Hikari's in the house, this means my brother is lurking around nearby too. Hikari's evil, I tell you, evil. And what's worse than evil Hikari? Evil Hikari scheming with her older brother.

The Yagami siblings aren't the type you should ever take lightly. They're an unstoppable force, a lethal duo whenever they are paired together. I can't point a finger at whose idea it is, but it's likely both of them. Either way, the outcome of this will be catastrophic.

Hiroto emerges, bolting towards me in excitement before I can slip in a sarcastic remark to his mother. My irritation is slightly hindered when I kiss the toddler on the cheek. "I've missed ya, kid!"

"Uncle Yamato! That's yucky," he scrunches his tiny nose and makes a face at me, using his arms to defend himself from me planting another kiss.

Prior to Takeru and I not talking, I had seen him maybe three months ago. He's taller, but what breaks my heart is that he's old enough to push me away from another kiss. I sniff. It's quick how they grow up, isn't it?

"Wahhh!"

"Oh, look at that!" Hikari uses it as the perfect excuse to take Hiroto from me to tend Keita in one of the back bedrooms.

As if playing tag, Taichi materialises from the corner where Hikari and Hiroto had disappeared to. He's in lazy loungewear (not workout gear), and when he catches me glaring, he returns a guilty smile. My best friend shrugs and before he can speak, I throw the display soccer ball at him. He dodges the ball that manages to skim past him, scraping slightly at his shoulder. He rubs it, "Don't throw that, Yamato! It's an antique."

"Antique my ass. You fucking set me up!"

Taichi laughs, "It couldn't be helped! They rocked up announced. They were meant to leave an hour ago, but once Hikari knew that you were dropping by…"

"Uncle Taichi, carry me!"

My niece is bigger now. She's so adorable, dressed in a tutu dress, paired with glittery red shoes. She tugs at Taichi's shirt until he's forced to pick her up.

Taichi sneaks a smirk at me, knowing that I can't raise my voice, argue or spit out curses at him now that Riza-chan is here. This is not fair. The Yagami siblings are using the children as collateral.I have to give it to him - it is a smart maneuver. However, Taichi doesn't realise that he also put himself in a vulnerable position.

"Hi Princess."

I advance towards Taichi and my niece. Riza-chan's eyes sparkle when she sees me. "Uncle Yama!"

She gives me a sloppy kiss when I lean it. I take advantage of this and intentionally step on Taichi's foot...hard. He yelps in response. It sounds like music to my ears.

My amusement doesn't last long when somebody strides past them and chuckles, "What's with all the commotion-"

The sentence is left hanging when the person's eyes fall onto me. "Oh."

Oh is right. The hit of realisation knowing that you've been sold out. The repetitive feeling I've been getting ever since I had stepped foot inside Taichi's home. And now, I'm not a one...because now my brother and I are experiencing the same, dreadful thing.

While Takeru and I are trying to digest being in the same room as each other, Taichi smoothly rushes past us. I hear the slam of one of the bedroom doors and Mimi's voice cry out, "Quick! Lock the door behind you, Taichi!"

Traitors.

Our friends are horrible people.

Aware that I can no longer evade him any longer, I gaze up. Takeru's back is already turned as he makes his way to the kitchen. He's lacking the confident swagger, shoulders are sloped downwards and - what the hell - his hair is long...like long.

I take a seat at the dining table, musing how bad Takeru's new look is.

His hair can almost pass for a mullet. I had gone through the phase during high school, but who would have known that Takeru would try to bring back the ghastly trend. Is this the type of fashion statement he's trying to pull off? Hadn't he already done enough damage with his previous hat obsession? I still shiver at the thought of his collection - it's worse than Sora's rooms of bears.

Anyway, he could be going for that bun look? That man look that everybody's going for these days. He must have forgotten to tie it up. Yes, that's got to be it. He's trying to pull off the scruffy look.

The strong scent of caffeine stops me from spacing out. It's a mug of steaming, black coffee. I look up and I see Takeru's back again. He's made one for himself too. Instead of joining me at the table, he's made his way to the sofa. At least it's some form of acknowledgement. It's better than nothing after the months of him snubbing me off.

I blink at my own reflection in the coffee before taking a sip. The caffeine does nothing for the nerves. This spontaneous reunion has got my stomach twisting. Regardless of it all, at least the coffee tastes good. Takeru has memorised how strong I like my coffee, because he used to brew me coffee as a token of payment for whenever I'd babysit the little tykes. While Hikari tucked the kids to be, Takeru and I would chatter about everything or nothing. The conversation was often led by him because he's the better mood-reader. Maybe that's what makes him the writer, the guy that can easily get along with everybody. A talent that I lacked.

My coffee's half-finished when I sneak another glance at my brother.

Back turned, I notice that he's focused on the monitor. It's displaying the ending credits to some movie, and now is transiting back to the menu page - which meant he had let all of the ending credits play out. He doesn't make a move to switch the channel, or to turn the screen off. Which means, he's just as uncomfortable as I am about this whole situation. I could leave, but that doesn't sit right too. Although the Yagamis have schemed this, they've done it with good intentions and our best interests in mind.

And, frankly, it was probably something that needed to be done. Takeru and I can't go on like this forever.

I sigh, unable to take it anymore and walk over to where my brother is. My body sinks down onto the sofa next to him. There's enough space that our knees aren't touching each other. He ignores me, still staring straight ahead at the television. He keeps at it for another minute or so before I bend over for the remote to turn the screen off.

"So…," My voice replaces the quietness, "I caught up with mother last week. She won't stop pestering me about going on this blind date…"

I'm recycling the same shit I've spoken to Akira about, but it's better than saying nothing and enduring this awkwardness any longer. Not speaking to him doesn't sit well with me. And, now that I'm mentally and physically stronger, I can finally have this talk with him. A talk that I had been delayed and left on the back-burner for way too long.

"What? We're talking now?"

I'm used to him jibing, teasing, laughing. He rarely holds a grudge. He never lets things get to him. Which is why it's peculiar that his whole atmosphere is tense. Sure, he has had his moments when he gets angry or cranky here and there...but never this long. He's the type to wake up the next day and act like nothing has happened, bygones be bygones and all that shit.

He's obviously not letting this one go.

"It's not like I didn't want us to stop talking," I reply.

Takeru dryly laughs. "Right." He doesn't say anything else.

I frown, scratching the back of my neck and thinking of the next way to approach our prickly, non-existent conversation. If he doesn't want to say anything, I probably should take the apologising route. After all, I have a lot to say sorry for. I had put my brother through the ringer for withholding the information about our parents from him.

"About our parents, I...I'm sorry for not telling you." My throat feels scratchy, but I keep speaking, "There's actually more to it and-"

"You didn't have the affair. Why are you saying sorry on their behalf?" Takeru says. He buries his hands in his face. "All this time I had been siding with mother. I was pissed off how dad acted, of how he'd drink and smoke. I harboured resentment towards him. And I hated how he'd fight with mother...you think I didn't hear what went on? Of course I heard bits and pieces, even when you'd cover my ears from listening to them argue."

Witnessing Takeru talk about father is something rare. Whenever he'd visit our father, he preferred to keep his distance and watch dad and I socialise more - which was unusual for Takeru as he was the type to talk to everybody. Even on the day our father died, he kept to himself. And now, hearing him say this makes me wonder how long he had been feeling these conflicted feelings towards our father. The divorce had severely impacted us, forcing us to choose sides without knowing what really happened. And, because of the separated custody, the individual parent that raised us would inevitably be the parent we'd trust more. I had believed my father's words over mother's, and it has always been the vice versa with Takeru.

"Knowing that mother cheated on dad changes everything," Takeru exhales. "I can't help but feel like I've lost respect for her."

I want to tell him that there's much more to the story, but I know it's not my place to say. My mother has to be the one to speak to him about it. I explain, "You were really young at that time, Takeru. Mother had her reasons. Maybe you should see her?"

He repels back, "Why should I? She lied to me."

"She misses you," I say.

It's a weak response, but it's true. I'm not Takeru.

I can't fill in as my brother's place. She's used to being around Takeru. When it's just the two of us, it's been weird. We're used to having Takeru even us out, and it doesn't help that my mother and I aren't all that good at ice-breakers and conversations. My mother and I have a long way to go, but I'm just glad we're no longer at each other's throats anymore.

She's been struggling. During the time I've spent with her, I know how bothered she is by it all - how she expresses wanting to see the grandchildren, how she casually asks me if I've kept in touch with him. Takeru might think that she sees me as the 'favourite child', but Takeru is the one she's the most familiar with.

"I know what you're doing, Yamato. Don't push it," Takeru grumbles. "I still don't want to talk to you right now either."

Ouch

I grimace. He does have a point though...it's not like my brother has voluntarily sought me. Drawing my legs onto the sofa, I wrap my arms around my knees. "I get it. I know I've been a shitty brother."

"I never said you were a shitty brother." He glances at me.

"Well, I know that I am," I respond. "I never really set a good example for you. You've always been the one looking after, helping me out instead of it being the other way around."

"That is, if you ever accepted my help."

I say, "You helped me a lot, Takeru."

"No," Takeru disgarees. "I tried to help you...and it was never enough."

"What do you mean?"

"I always made excuses to see you, to drop by your apartment, to check on you. You'd find it a nuisance, but I was doing it intentionally because you've been worrying me. I even pleaded with Hikari to pick you as the babysitter for the kids every week, because then I'd get to talk to you." Takeru chokes out, "If you had trusted me, if you had spoken to me, perhaps you wouldn't have had the break down. You wouldn't have gone on drugs. You won't have drowned yourself in alcohol. You wouldn't have-"

"Stop," I shake my head at him. "This isn't your fault."

"It's my fault that I couldn't get you to open up to me. Why didn't you trust me, onii-chan? Was I not trustworthy enough for you?" His voice breaks and it makes me feel even shitter as an older brother. How long has it been since he addressed me as his older brother? How long as he assumed that I hadn't trusted him?

"Takeru," I reassure him, "It's not that I didn't trust you. To be honest, I didn't trust anybody...I actually didn't trust myself-"

"You could have told me about Kaori though," Takeru interjects, "You should have told me about how she had died…"

Kaori?

A name that I hadn't known existed in my brother's vocabulary. Well, of course it had. He had met my ex countless of times, but I had made ensured to not fill him in how Kaori had committed suicide. This had been partly because I hadn't spoken of it to anyone. I hadn't wanted many people knowing.

"Who told you?"

My brother reveals, "Satou-san and Seiji-san informed mother and father about what happened."

"I don't remember this…"

"That's because you stopped talking for a month," Takeru tells me. "You kept quiet after witnessing her fall from the balcony. You didn't talk to anybody except Makoto-sensei. We made excuses, and even lied to people saying that you had surgery...because back then, your band had hit its peak in fame-"

I numbly repeat, "I don't remember any of this."

"Because you were fucking out of it, Yamato," Takeru exclaims. "One time, when dad was working, I dropped by your apartment and found you unconscious in the bathroom. I had to call an ambulance on you...it was the scariest moment in my life. I thought you were gone...I thought…"

My hand covers my brother's quivering hand. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't know...I-"

"-And then I see you again like this at Koushiro's party," Takeru shudders. "Do you know how fucking scared I was?"

My whole body is burning up in guilt and shame. I had never realised who much I had put Takeru through. How much I had hurt him from withholding all this information. I hadn't wanted him to deal with my burdens, but from this I had caused more trouble for him. I had made it harder.

"I'm sorry," I say again. I don't know what else I can do for us to reconcile, so I suggest, "Do you want me to babysit your kids twice a week as an apology?"

Takeru angles his head, studying my face before he cracks a smile. "After I spill my guts out about how fucking scared I was about, this is the best that you can come up with?"

"Perhaps opening up isn't my forte?" I offer. "You should know this."

He laughs, and through his laughter tears roll down his cheeks. I had seen his eyes watering up ever since he had brought up Kaori. The laughter had triggered the tears to fall. He slips his hand away from mine, using the back of his sleeve to wipe the tears.

"It's good to have you back. Man, I can't believe I've even missed your lameness."

"Just like how mother misses you," I quip back.

Takeru scowls at me.

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(a/n) finally some takeru time. hope you enjoyed this chapter :) sora will either be back next chapter or the chapter after.

i'm pretty KO'd at the moment. it's nearly 1:30am. i was just adamant about posting this up because i'll be busy until the end of June. thank you for reading!

(i'll reply to reviews later on this week)