This story is about what could happen if Hannah had stayed and not ended her life. What if clay was mostly the reason for her staying. What if she falls on clay to help her be happy and find the perfect life that she dreamed about. Also what if Hannah helps clay with his anxieties and bring out the best in each other with a little help from their trusted friend Tony.Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, they are owned by Jay Asher. Sensitive topics may also be mentioned.

If I stay

Chapter one-

I always thought about how my life would end, living out my life and doing all the things I have always wanted to do. Marry the man whose the love of my life, children, grandchildren even great grandchildren I could live that long while growing old with the love of my life. Yet as I stand here and think about all of those things and all that I have faced through this hell hole that's called the teenage years, im already feeling done with everything. The second set of tapes has been put on Tony's doorstep, there was no need to ring the bell, I'm not that important well to me im not. The first set are to be sent out in two days time to the first of many recipients. My room is completely tidy as if it has been recently decorated and cleaned the way a mom would clean it.

Now I'm standing here in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why all these things could happen to me. I've never been a bad person, obviously I've snuck out a few times but what teenager hasn't done so but that doesn't make me a bad person or does it? I slowly make my way over to the already half filled bath with a blade in hand and climb into the bath. I sit down leaning my head back and closing my eyes while breathing what is to be my last few minutes of life. All of the bad things flow through my mind like a film of my life but only portraying the bad parts, the most hurtful parts. However one thing sticks out more then anything else or should I say someone sticks out more. Clay. My Clay but not my Clay. Helmet. I start heavily breathing as the pain of clays kindness is shining through the bad. I can't have any distactions, I need to do this, I can't do this any longer. I lean forward and slowly make a cut down my arm, I sit there looking at what I am doing and something inside me just snaps me back to myself and I quickly panic.

What am I doing, I can't do this, I can't leave like this, Clay, I can't do this to Clay. I quickly drop the blade on the side of the bath and stop the water from filling the already overflowing bath. I climb out of the bath and go straight to the first aid cabinate, opening it to get out a wipe for all the blood and a bandage to cover my open but also bleeding wound. As I clean the cut I realise how lucky I was to have snapped out of it so quickly, the cut isn't too deep and is only about 2 maybe 3 centimetres long. I quickly cover it before running to dry myself and put on new clothes. I need to see clay but first I need to go to Tony's and hopefully he hasn't listened to the tapes yet. Oh god I really hope he hasn't. Once i'm dressed I quickly get rid of the bath water and dry up the floor which has some water on it from the bath over flowing slightly. With no damage done to the floor I walk downstairs to leave a note on the counter for my parents just so they don't worry about me not being home, it's not like they would notice anyway but I'll tell them I'm going to a friend's house to finish a project. All I can do now is get to Tony's fast and hopefully talk to him before he's heard the tapes.

Tony's dad let's me in when I get there and directs me to room. It's quiet upstairs, it makes me wonder what Tony's doing. As I get closer to Tony's door I can hear what sound like little whimpers of crying and that's when it hits me he must have the tapes as the box was gone of his door step. I knock on his door which he immediately responds to by telling me to come in. I apprehensively open the door as Tony turns around. Once his eyes lock on to who I am in his doorway, he lets out a relived sigh with a confused look on his face.

"Hannah" he says almost as if he doesn't believe I'm infront of him. I walk futher into his room and I can tell he has been crying as there is a tissue in his hand and tear stains down his face. This is enough to make the tears fall down my face and I look down at the floor as the words fall out of my mouth.

"I'm so sorry Tony I'm sorry".

He reacts immediately but pulling me into his arms and told me to him while i cry, he whispers comforting things and express's his relief that I'm here before asking what happened for me to be there right now. So we sit down and I tell him about my sudden change of heart and that it was mostly to do with clay. He then asks me a question that I wasn't expecting.

"Hannah what are you going to do now with the other tapes being sent out".

I hadn't thought about that really but I know what I should do.

"Tony do you think you could help me do something" I asked nervously.

"Of course Hannah" he replied

"I need to go to the post office and stop the tapes from being sent I still should be able to I'll just tell them it was a mistake. Would you be able to take me there and then over to clays, I need to see him" I explained.

"Sure let's go" he smiled.

Tony smiling at me makes everything seem less scary as I know if I need help Tony will always be there to give it if he can. I smile slightly back at him before we head for his mustang.

After going to collect the tapes back I'm more nervous now to talk to clay, to tell him what I almost did, what I was going to do if it wasn't for how I feel about him. I don't even know if he feels the same way but I guess there's only one way to find out. Tony and I make small talk on the way to clays, it's nice and comforting, talking to tony like this has always been easy due to him being supper friendly. As we pull up to clays I thank him for driving me and give him a big hug. I pick up the tapes and leave the car, shutting the door I look at Tony and hold out my hand for him to take. He takes it and with a nod I thank him once again.

"Thank you Tony really I appreciate it"

"No problem Hannah you know where to find me if you need anything ok just call or come over" he replied sweetly.

"Thanks Tony oh and I think you should get rid of the tapes I'm gonna destroy these ones as well anyways" I say nodding down to the box in my hand.

"Will do, see you Hannah" and with that he pulls away from the curb and drives off to the intersection and out of sight. Standing alone now makes me feel so nervous to talk to clay but I have to do this, he needs to know my feelings as well as everything else.

I stand outside clays house for what seems like hours before slowly walking up his driveway and knocking on the door. There is not car outside which means his parents are not home. After 5 minutes I try the door to find that it's open so I walk in and shut the door behind me. I can hear movement upstairs so I climb the stairs to the hallway leading to the bedrooms and bathroom. I find clays door which has a big poster on, but I'm not sure what is on the poster as it looks like a mess from afar. I walk to clays room and peak in his slightly open door way to find him lying on his bed with his headphones on. I like seeing him like this, all calm and relaxed, it suits him. I make my way over to his bed to find his eyes closed to I take a chance and jump onto his bed and start jumping up and down. This must startle him as he bolts up with his eyes wide open, takes his headphones out and is breathing heavy, it takes his a second to realise it's just me and not a random stranger in his house.

"Hannah what are you doing here" he says once he has managed to calm down.

I sit next to him and look him in the face and whisper "I needed to talk to you about something" I then look down slowly hoping that the tears starting to form in my eyes are not visible.

Clay lifts up my chin to face him and swipes away a rogue tear that has fought through its barrier.

"What's wrong Hannah why are you crying" he says sadly.

I can't lie to him, not my clay, I can't hide it either, with a deep breath I tell him everything about what's has happened, bits of course he knows from rumours but now he knows the truth. I sit there next to him and watch his face change from sadness to anger back to sadness again. He looks down at my wrist and slowly brings it up to his face and kisses it lightly before looking me in the face.

"I'm so glad you didn't go through with it Hannah, I wouldn't be able to live my life right without you in it" he says with a tone which sounds like love in his voice.