always in time, never in line for dreams

by yasunokou

-x-

summary: dazai osamu, late night drives, summer nights, acceptance, and nakajima atsushi.

a/n: this song sets the mood: spandeu ballet - true

-x-

Osamu's been driving for a while now, the car radio playing quietly within the closed space as he glances at Atsushi, still wide-eyed staring out of the passenger window. He tries to keep his focus confined to the moonlit empty roads in front of him, but of course, it ends up wandering to his pretty boyfriend periodically illuminated by the passing street lights.

'Be his root in reality, let him know it's not real.' Yosano's words echoing.

He interrupts the comfortable silence, breaking Atsushi out of his reverie 'possible flashbacks,' that he unknowingly buried himself into.

"So where to, milady?"

Atsushi snickers in response, "You don't call me that unless you already have a place in mind."

"Alright, you got me," Osamu huffs, "do you want to get some snacks though?"

"You think I didn't have that covered, Dazai-san? I'm wounded," Atsushi reaches behind his seat for a messily crinkling plastic bag, probably full of unhealthy snacks offered from the convenience store down the road from their shared apartment.

Unhealthy snacks that they occasionally depended on, but that's not the issue right now.

"And I've asked you to stop calling me by my last name, Atsushi-kuuuun," Osamu whines, "we've been dating for a year now."

"I know, I know," Atsushi leans over to peck Osamu gently on his cheek, "but you also know I only call you that when I manage to one-up you, which, by the way – is almost never, so let me have this."

"Lies, and no," Osamu snarls, but soon breaks off into soft huffs "I like it more when you say my name," before concentrating on driving once more.

"Dazai-san is your name,"

"You know what I meant, Atsushi-kun!"

Atsushi smiles, he knows why Osamu goes on these late night drives so often. Almost as often as he sees his boyfriend sometimes lingering at the foot of their bed at night, contemplating on asking Atsushi out on another impromptu 'date' again before he sighs in resignation and climbs in.

He leans back comfortably into the passenger seat.

He's not always this relaxed about letting Osamu drive, Osamu's personal motto famously being "What are red lights?", along with his multiple extravagant tales that follow the man's terrible track record of driving that is still retold as a campfire story in the agency. But these are the rare times where he knows that Osamu needs it, and he needs it, so this much is fine.

It's not easy readjusting. Yosano-san said so. But even so, Atsushi will stay with him for as long as it takes, every step of the way.

'Yosano-san said it'll take a lot of time too,'

-x-

Lost in thought, Osamu soon pulled up at a grassy area, full of lush trees that would've filtered sunlight beautifully in the daytime. It's apparent that this wasn't their destination once Atsushi stepped out onto the pavement and Osamu linked their hands together.

It sure was cold at half past midnight, but Osamu has always felt like home to Atsushi, wherever they would be. So he snuggled closer into Osamu just for the sake of being close to him, relishing in his warmth.

"You know the first few times you dragged me out of the house at midnight, I didn't peg you as the type to enjoy nature," Atsushi wondered.

"I don't," Osamu answered easily, glancing at Atsushi before continuing, "still don't, actually… but everything's better with you around."

Atsushi shoves Osamu lightly, laughing gently before huddling into him again, cheeks rapidly flushing into a light shade of pink – the beautiful pink that Osamu loved so much.

"Don't think I forgot the first time you tried to pull a pick up line on me," Atsushi grinned cheekily.

Osamu spluttered, "I-I was new at it okay! Give me a break,"

"It was cute, though." Atsushi said softly, burying his face into Osamu's shoulder, "I didn't think I could fall harder than I did then,"

"Including all the times I actually successfully wooed you? I'm wounded, Atsushi-kun,"

"Don't be silly! I loved every part of pre-dating you, that particular one was just my favourite."

"Well then, you effortlessly make my heart race every other day of every year we've been together," Osamu smiles and his hand wanders to mess up Atsushi's hair a little, giggling and dodging out of range before Atsushi lands a blow to his very soft sides. It's not a very pleasant feeling, he assures you.

-x-

For most of the walk, much of their path was shrouded in dense trees barely illuminated by the orange streetlights, so there wasn't much for Atsushi to look at – much less guess where they were headed. But as soon as the trees cleared, Atsushi's breathing hitched in a silent gasp.

Osamu took a moment to admire Atsushi's face, his boyfriend's face, light up at the sight before announcing softly, "We're here."

The trees cleared out into a cozy expanse of small flowers scattered on the grassy land, but the clear reflection of stars in the night sky onto the wide surface of the lake stretching out in the middle of the clearing… this wasn't any other ordinary view you could see in the city. The lamp posts here only added to the eerie wonderland feeling with its enchanting orange glow.

His eyes glanced away from the waters towards the quaint but sturdy gazebo standing proudly on the other side of the lake, its dome adorned with fairy lights…. In fact, Atsushi's very, a hundred percent sure, from previous experiences with his boyfriend that that was way more than just one box of fairy lights.

He's always been an all or nothing kind of person, fiercely 'weirdly,' competitive too…

He vaguely wonders how long he's been planning this.

Though in Osamu's opinion, it was very much worth it if he could see all the stars and lights in the world reflected off the beautiful purple and gold iridescence of Atsushi's eyes… ', and to see him forget about everything else, even just for a little while,'

He's willing to do however much he can to help Atsushi.

"W-where… how did you find a place like this?" Atsushi pulled his gaze away from the breathtaking view, trailing up to meet Osamu's eyes.

He hummed in silence, before stroking Atsushi's fringe out of his face, "A friend," he answers cheekily. Atsushi sees the ghost of a man lingering in Osamu's eyes, and he understands.

They don't mention Osamu's lingering gazes at certain street corners, still looking for a familiar figure that's not there anymore.

"Do you like it?" in a voice much softer than he expected. Despite all the years they've been together, his self-doubt never faded away, not entirely. Even with living proof standing right next to him.

"I love it, Osamu. I love it a lot," Atsushi reassures his boyfriend, gazing tenderly until the lingering doubt vanished from Osamu's eyes.

He grins satisfactorily, proceeding to yank Osamu forward with him, his boyfriend letting out an undignified yelp at the sudden momentum.

"I hope I can thank your friend one day," Atsushi trails off, "but for now, what are we waiting for?"

His palm in Osamu's hands squeezes their hands together, a silent plea, and Osamu relents.

'You don't have to do this now,' Atsushi's reassurance lingering unsaid in the air, mutual understanding passing through them as easily as breathing.

'You don't need to keep waiting for me,'

'But I will, for as long as I need to.'

"I'm really only here to look at your beautiful eyes, Atsushi-kun," Osamu kisses Atsushi's forehead before leading them towards the gazebo's entrance, "They take away my breath each, and every time."

'You're the only person I want to do this for, Atsushi-kun,'

Atsushi laughs and jostles the bag of snacks he was carrying, "Well then, be thankful you'll have the rest of both our lives to stare at them as much as you want."

Osamu's eyes smiled in mirth, "I suppose so. Then I should enjoy every second of it starting from now, wouldn't you agree?"

"You sap," Atsushi giggles.

"Only for you, darling." Osamu blows an exaggerated kiss and Atsushi's twinkling laughter sinks in gently in the air around them.

They settle down at the gazebo, its wooden beams old and worn but still sturdy shelter. Atsushi wonders how long it's been here, if it's been isolated for however long it stood. If it was, it was loved before the owners left – that much Atsushi could tell from the care given to it.

"I wish you'd have cooked something simple Atsushi… I'm really craving for your cooking right now." Osamu whined with his grumbling stomach, poking at the plastic bag of unhealthy contents.

"And to think all this time we've been dating, you've never once asked me out in advance, do tell me how was I supposed to prepare anything?"

"Ah, tut-tut, that's the charm of impromptu night dates, now we just have to master the art of it,"

"Yeah, and you can keep enjoying store-bought convenient food while we master it," Atsushi properly lays out all the cheaply microwaved food they got and promptly starting snacking on his portion.

They don't mention that sometimes Atsushi relapses while cooking, memories of the familiar phantom flames biting his skin.

"You know telepathy is an unproven method of communication, Osamu-san," Atsushi sings.

Osamu's long limbs flailing in protest, "Atsushi-kun! You can't put me through this torture, you know I can't cook!" he glances briefly at the food they have, "and I can't keep eating these every time we go on dates!"

"Yes I can, and I will, Osamu-san. Now eat." Osamu pouts, but Atsushi kisses his boyfriend with dirty crumb littered lips and they both wince in disgust, breaking into contagious giggles.

"What if I say pretty pretty please?" he pouts, "With an extra cherry on top?"

Atsushi pretends to ponder for a moment, before grinning, "If you take over the laundry for a week,"

"T-that's not very fair, Atsushi-kun! We do it all the time and the bedsheets-" Atsushi hushes Osamu with a finger to his lips.

"It's either that, or store-bought food for every other date following this one," He leans himself into Osamu's lap, who is still unhappily pouting.

"Fine, but I demand my favourites for our next date,"

"Beggars can't be choosers, Osamu-san~"

"Atsushi-kun!"

-x-

The night isn't young, this isn't the first time, and this won't be the last for a very long time either. There are many things that Osamu has to come to terms with, many things that Atsushi has to learn to cope, and the bitter truth of the matter may be that it may never come easy to either of them.

But Osamu thinks, right in this moment that he sees Atsushi's eyes glisten with the disarray of blue fairy lights illuminating them, it's alright.

They're together in this, cheap food and bad habits and pretty eyes and all.

Atsushi has been patiently holding his hand this whole time, waiting for him. Osamu would be more than disappointed in himself if he didn't do the same and more for Atsushi.

"Osamu-san! A shooting star! Quick, make a wish,"

Osamu sticks his tongue out, "Childish," and gets a smack in return on his arm, but does as told.

Eyes closed, he doesn't know what to wish for, everything he has is already everything he'll ever want… and everything else that will come, will come in due time – and he glances at Atsushi's earnest expression.

'…but I still hope, you'll give me all of eternity to spend my life with this man.'

"Say, Atsushi-kun, wanna hear a horror story?" Osamu's face turning smug, fingers wriggling in anticipation.

"No, nope. We're not doing that." Atsushi replies sternly.

"Aww, but-" his protests interrupted as Atsushi gently tucks the wildflowers he plucked earlier behind Osamu's ear.

"There," Atsushi announces proudly.

"Not a horror story night, princess," Atsushi sticks out his tongue and Osamu relents. There's almost nothing Osamu wouldn't give up for Atsushi – other than Atsushi's cooking of course. It's the scent of a home that Osamu didn't know he could have, one that he's beginning to grow familiar with, one that he won't be giving up for anything else in the world.

There'll be other nights for horror stories then, Osamu muses.

-x-

The night passes with more small talk, jibes and jokes recounting their day at work. It's not much, though for Osamu, he's never even thought he'll even make it this far. But Atsushi, who stayed with him through it all, Atsushi, who has never doubted him – is here by his side, and still is.

If a person as good, as pure as Atsushi could love him so, how bad could he be?

He knows he's lying by the skin of his teeth. But for all that its worth, if this is the only way to be worthy of Atsushi, to grow into a man as faithful as Atsushi holds him to be, then by god if he isn't going to give it his all.

The fairy lights twinkle in the background and Osamu loses the tension in his shoulder that neither of them notice, both unfocused and vaguely aware of each other at their sides, and at that moment he suddenly wishes that he could paint – if only to so briefly hold this moment forever.

"Osamu-san, you're drifting off again, are you getting sleepy?"

"In your dreams, Atsushi-kun. You're the one nodding off,"

"Says Sleeping Beauty himself, it seems,"

"Beauty Beneath the Moonlight," Osamu bites back.

Atsushi sprinkles the wildflowers he plucked all over Osamu, one in particular tickling Osamu's nose sending him into a spluttering sneezy mess.

"Ewww," Atsushi laughs at Osamu's distress.

"No faiiirr Atsushi-kun, you got a headstart," he pouts as they throw the beaten up petals at each other in a faux flower fight, occasionally yelping as one of them picks up a grasshopper by accident.

"It's a grasshopper Atsushi-kun, a grasshopper! How did you mistake that-?"

"It's dark Osamu-san! Why don't you try grabbing it then?"

"I will- Aagh! What the hell-"

But, he rethinks. After all, he has all of his life to spend with Atsushi, right? How bad could it be?

-x-

a/n: it was supposed to be short cute and sweet but all that went out of hand by the end so oh well.

a therapeutical ride i once had a long time ago, and a ride that dazai and atsushi needs, maybe you needed this too.