Disclaimer: I do not own up to any spelling mistakes.

Bella Swan didn't give a shit.

Whenever she said this about herself, people either never quite believed her or thought she was just trying to be cool. The proof of how truthful this statement was could be seen whenever someone scoffed in her face about something she'd said or anything she'd done and all she did was stare. If she'd liked chewing gum, that would've been her cue to pop the thing in their faces and blink owlishly at them.

This sentiment could be corroborated by anyone who'd ever met her.

Charlie and Renée, her beloved parents, agonized over it because they couldn't guilt trip her into anything. Alice Brandon, her best friend, was always annoyed by this because she just nodded and smiled at her gossip. Angela and Jessica, her closest college friends, rejoiced in it, being too swamped in their own preoccupations to want more worries added onto them. Edward Cullen, her childhood-friend-turned-boyfriend, detested it with a passion.

Honestly? Her professors always thought she was high.

After the first two years of college she'd stopped trying to explain it was a matter of having no shits left to give.

This was the key matter in all of this: not giving a shit did not mean she didn't feel anything. She had feelings damn it, and people always acted like she was spooked of catching a smile. That she never argued over getting slammed in the hallway didn't mean that it hadn't hurt like a bitch, and getting a bad grade on a paper didn't mean it didn't sting. To her, not giving a shit simply meant she had the ability to not care about things undeserving of her rage, time or preoccupation.

Yeah, sometimes Bella confused even herself.

This reflection came about at one in the morning while driving home her drunk boyfriend.

~Rewind~

"Bells, you coming to the party tonight?" Mike Newton slid up to Bella when he spotted her walking to her last Friday class.

There was a frat party being organized by Mike & Crew going on at Omega-whatever fraternity, and the football player was particularly fixed on the idea of having Bella over tonight. It wasn't like he didn't know she was together with the Edward Cullen, quarterback extraordinaire; everyone knew, but truth be told, nobody really believed it. Bella disliked PDA (she didn't enjoy seeing it so she tried not doing it), and coupled with being in different classes with Edward, nobody ever saw them be affectionate. At most, sometimes they could be found with a whole gang of people eating in the cafeteria.

So this meant people like Mike Newton thought it was just a joke.

"Maybe," Bella shrugged. Really, she thought Newton was an ok kid, but he could be a little aggressive in his flirting. Not in the 'I feel unsafe' kind of way, more in the 'I'd appreciate it if I liked you back but I don't so go away'. "Did you ask Jess?"

She had the biggest crush on this boy next door, not that the doofus realized.

Bella was relentless in her attempt to get them together.

Mike nodded.

"She said she's in, and she gave her ok for Angela, Rose and Alice." Mike wiggled his eyebrows in an exaggerated way. "You in if your girls are?"

Bella sighed, stopping in her tracks.

"Yeah, I am. See you there Mike." Then he gave her a big smile and disappeared.

"See him where?" A voice whispered in her ear, and jumping slightly, she slapped behind her. "Fuck, Bells! That's my nose!"

Turning, she looked up to see her boyfriend holding both hands to a possibly sore nose.

"That's what you get for sneaking up on me," Bella shrugged, feeling a little bad over hurting him. "I feel terrible," she said in monotone, and she cracked herself up.

Edward glared.

"Are you seriously laughing at your own joke?"

She pretended to pick lint off her jacket.

"My jokes are the bomb. It'd be weird if I didn't." Edward tried not to smile, but he couldn't help himself; Bella was incredibly funny, and her love for that monotone voice gave it an extra punch. His football buddies always asked him what he saw in Bella, not in a mean way but in a truly perplexed one; whenever he explained how much she made him laugh, they always stared. All they'd seen was a pretty girl with an unchanging face who barely spoke and had cracked one smile during the countless times they'd met her.

In her defense, she was always so focused on analyzing everything around her she often missed jokes.

"Anyway, you weird creature," Edward continued, for once not letting himself be sidetracked by his girlfriend's cuteness. "Where were you saying you're gonna be seeing Mike?"

"The party tonight."

"But you never go."

"I will today."

"But you hate them."

"Not today."

"I distinctly recall you never accepting a single frat party invitation in the two years we've been in college, saying everyone smells by the end of the night like puke, sweat and horniness," Edward frowned, not being able to understand her sudden change of heart.

"I can go out for a night," Bella said, taking up walking again. Sometimes she had a hard time multitasking, walking and talking included. So when she did one, she could forget to do the other. Coordination, mental or physical, was not her strong suit.

"Why?"

Bella raised an eyebrow, looking up at Edward.

"Why not? You go all the time." Bella shrugged. "It could be fun."

Edward felt like a tiny version of himself wanted to run away from his mind. What the fuck did not even begin to describe what his inner self was thinking.

"Bella…" Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have known you for almost fifteen years. You have never, not once, willingly gone to a party. Not even when you were a kid and your dad got you your favorite cake in exchange for showing up agreeable to your parties. Hell, when I ask you to come with me to a football after-party you always say yes only after I've agreed to buy you food afterwards."

She thought it was a fair deal.

Food for presence.

Bella sighed.

"People change," Bella explained. "I mean, not me, but other people. I should get to know their new selves, right?"

Edward didn't know how she did it, but she managed to be a terrible and yet incredibly amazing liar at the same time.

"Remind me why I love you," Edward sulked.

"I'm amazeballs," she shrugged, and though Edward tried hard to hold onto his annoyance, his lips twitched in amusement. "You're going too, right?"

"Uh, yeah. I mean, Emmett invited me, so…"

Ah, Emmett. Twin to her boyfriend and bane of her existence.

Kidding. Bella and Emmett appeared to be more like boyfriend and girlfriend than the actual couple sometimes, something that pissed off both Edward and Rosalie Hale, bombshell mechanic, to no end.

"Why am I not surprised? He drinks like he needs it in his bloodstream," Bella rolled her eyes good-naturedly, choosing her words carefully. She didn't really like it when Emmett drank that way, but whenever she brought it up the twins made a big deal about it.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that's the drink of champions," Edward chuckled, glancing behind him briefly. He seemed to be searching for something, but what Bella could only guess.

"How you holding up? Your classes too hard?"

Bella shrugged nah.

"You sure? You have a tendency to suddenly be overwhelmed by the amount of stuff you've got to do. You might want to apply that new capacity of change to your studies and do stuff with enough time for a change." Edward said, pointedly looking at the accused. Offended, Bella thought to defend herself, only to come up short of excuses. He was right. She sighed. "That's what I thought."

Bella mumbled something to herself, startled when they were suddenly in front of her classroom. She looked up at her giant of a boyfriend, expecting him to make another comment on the party thing, but instead he just grabbed her hand, squeezed and released it.

"I've gotta get to class baby. See you later."

Bella watched her boyfriend drop a kiss on her head, step back and walk away.

Going into class (one she ignored the whole time, absently copying the slides passing in front of her) she thought about her relationship with the one Edward Anthony Cullen. Growing up, everyone thought she'd end up dating Emmett, the one that seemed to balance out her sourness best. She'd always been friends with Emmett —first day of kindergarten they were joined at the hip. She tolerated Edward back then, never outright disliking him but certainly never picking him as a partner for anything. Edward had only earned a place in her heart when Felix, the local fifth grade bully, tried tripping her and got shoved instead by a fuming Edward. He got detention and a free pass to her heart.

Her friendzone heart.

Being brutally honest, Edward had been on the same emotional attachment level as Alice for Bella up until junior year of high school. She'd had a crush on Riley Biers for the longest of times, and then when Riley appeared as if he'd return her feelings, she got blindsided by Edward admitting to being hopelessly in love with her.

She had not been expecting that.

She'd known Edward knew this, given that her eyes had peeled wide open and her entire face had displayed 'clueless' in neon letters. She'd tried, even as shock coursed through her, to not do or say anything that would hurt her best friend, the guy that had had to bear with her sobs when her period had come for the first time and she'd thought someone had decided to land an elephant on her uterus. He wasn't one of the girls, but he'd certainly never been a boy. And there he'd been, looking at her with those wide green eyes hidden by the ugliest glasses ever, and she hadn't known what to say for once in her life.

It took him a year to break her down; first to make her see him that way, then make her want to date him, then convince her it wouldn't ruin their friendship if they broke up, then assure her they wouldn't break up, and finally that he was sure he liked her. She'd had one boyfriend before, during freshman year, but that had ended within half a year; when she'd looked back on it, Edward's constant glares hadn't helped.

Edward and Bella had started dating within the first month of college.

It had been slow progress for sure. It had taken them a while to have their first date; Edward had football practice, his biology major and pre-med courses, and she had her classes as well as volunteer work. So it had taken about a month to have their first date, then another one to have their first kiss. Their firsts had gone slowly that way, until it had taken their first time together a year. It had been awful, painful, and magical; Bella had realized then that she wouldn't have chosen anyone else to have her first time with other than Edward. He was it for her, her body had told her. The ensuing times together had more than confirmed it.

She knew she was emotionally congested though. Edward was always sending sweet texts, or telling her he'd blow off a class to go have lunch with her, open every door and never push for sex when she'd been clear her head wasn't in it. She saw all of this and appreciated it immensely —Hell, whenever he talked her ear off about football or the latest comic book issue of whichever series, she was charmed. She loved how verbose he was where she was taciturn (her father's gift), and how he never asked her to talk more like the rest of the people in her life. Even her relationship with Emmett was based on doing activities together and occasionally confiding in each other, more than talking. She only ever wanted a handful of people to know her, but she only wanted Edward to get her.

So in answer to why she suddenly felt like going to the party:

Because of Edward.

It had been brought to her attention that she was, as previously stated, emotionally congested. That for every football gathering she attended, Edward took her to three different museums across the state because that's what she was into. That for every game she attended, Edward took her out to five different restaurants (read: fast food chains) so they could see each other during the weekdays. That for every friend of his she agreed to socialize with, he remembered fifteen stories of her volunteer work kids, and said kids switched every month or so. That for every "I love you" he whispered in her ear after sex, she'd whispered none back.

Indeed.

Isabella Swan was that person; the one who took everything from their partner but couldn't fucking say they loved them.

It wasn't that she didn't —God knew she did— but it never felt like the right time to bring it up. Like, nothing she ever did was special enough to bring up something so huge. She'd only ever told her parents she loved them, and it was directly linked to every time they had said it first.

Bella was an awful person, or at least so said Alice.

With friends like hers, she could do with an enemy or two.

Still, she wanted to change. She wanted to give a lot more to Edward, and in all her search for inner wisdom she'd figured something important to him was those parties. Edward liked socializing, always had, and he often made an effort to go to these things. She'd indeed never gone to a single one, always preferring a night out with the girls or even the occasional pool night with Emmett (who was a partygoer but also into those games). Sometimes, when she was feeling wild, she went to bed at seven pm.

Despite how boring she was sure she sounded to others, this was the life that made her happy. She didn't like partying and drinking and getting high, although she didn't fault those who did. She just sought different things out of life, things she wasn't sure were at the bottom of a keg.

Besides; she had issues with alcohol.

More on that later.

So after that unimportant class, Bella rushed over to her dorm, where she proceeded to attempt to knock down Alice's door.

A pissed off tiny young adult answered, and her face changed to bewilderment when she realized the panic came from the unmovable rock that was Bella.

"Bella? What's wrong?"

She pushed past her friend.

"Make me hot, Alice."

Alice Brandon swore she was having an auditory and visual hallucination, so she replied in kind.

"How?"

When the shoe thrown at her hurt she realized it was real.

"What the fuck, Bella? You want me to make you hot?" Alice asked in bewilderment. "You, who own about thirty pairs of granny panties and exactly one thong. You, Bella, who once went a whole summer just shaving one leg because you wanted to see how quickly your leg hair grew. You want me to make you hot?"

Bella raised an eyebrow.

"I do have a certain level of self-esteem I'd like to maintain, Alice."

Right.

For how much Alice talked about Bella's sensibleness, hers sometimes took dives off a cliff.

"Alright, sorry. Why?"

Bella shrugged.

"I've been thinking about what you said. That I should make an effort for Edward—"

"I believe I said, get your shit together."

"—and do more things for him. So, I figured I'd go with him to a party." Bella shrugged, then frowned to herself. "I think. I didn't exactly tell him to go together, but I figure I'll see him there."

To her surprise, Alice seemed to disagree.

"First of all, this is proof that not all 4.0 GPA students are smart. That's not what I meant; frat parties aren't a couple-thing." Alice sighed, finally closing the door behind her. "Also… maybe you shouldn't."

Huh?

"Why?"

Alice pursed her lips, not knowing if she should answer.

"Alice. Please," Bella said softly, sitting down at the edge of her friend's bed.

So Alice complied.

"Edward can… exceed his alcohol drinking sometimes. I'm not sure you've ever seen him drunk."

No, she hadn't. A bit happy during Christmas or New Years, at most, but that was it. He knew how she felt about too much alcohol. Didn't he?

"How bad?"

Alice flinched.

"It's something only you can say. But… I don't think it'll be a good idea. Every time I see him drunk at a party Jasper or Emmett have to hide him away from the world. He's… well. You'll see," Alice grimaced, thinking back to one of the multiple occasions. She wished Bella wouldn't see her boyfriend that way, but she doubted that she'd be able to convince the thickheaded girl.

"Alice, you're freaking me out," Bella said, and though her face was the same as always, Alice caught the underlying quiver in her voice.

She sighed.

"I wish it was me being dramatic."

L0¬

You at your dorm? —E

Yeah. —B

There was no new message, which made Bella frown. Did this mean Edward would come by, or did that mean 'cool, see you later then'? Edward was usually a lot clearer about the direction of his comments or questions, and this vagueness was uncharacteristic.

In true Bella fashion though, she just got a head start on an assignment while she waited for his answer to come around.

Knock knock.

There was her answer. Bella knew her boyfriend well enough to be sure that, outside of her door, was the boy raised to be a gentleman.

So she called out for him to wait, dusted off some chips from her dress and got up to answer.

"You rang?" she opened that door with her best Lurch impression.

Edward, who'd opened his mouth to speak, instantly closed it again. Then repeated this a few times.

"Yes, Edward, it's me, the woman you call your girlfriend." Bella glanced behind him quickly, then pulled him into her room. She was actually rooming with Angela, but given how little of the girl she saw, it was basically hers, so she didn't worry about privacy.

"You put on makeup."

Nod.

"And a dress."

Double nod.

"And you're showing your boobs."

Smirk.

"And you shaved both legs."

Her smile slipped. She'd never live that down, would she?

"I might prove you wrong next time if you keep assuming that." Bella sniffed, but wasn't ready for the sudden movement of a quarterback slamming her onto the bed. "Edward?"

It came out as a squeak due to the lack of air.

"We should just stay in. We haven't done that in a while, right? How long as it been anyway since we had sex?"

Smooth, dude.

But even smoother was she.

"Sixteen days and three hours." Bella replied, trying to breathe through the man resting almost all of his weight on top of her. Because Edward couldn't help himself, and to save the woman he loved, he scooted off of her so he was laying on his side, resting his chin on his hand with his eyes in direct eye line with Bella's.

"That's and four hours," he corrected. "Remember? We kept getting interrupted."

The perks of going home for the weekend.

"Pardon me, young sir." Bella nodded mockingly serious, reaching a hand up to softly caress the bags under his eyes. He'd been under a lot of stress lately, saying all of his professors had suddenly lost it and left him an almost impossible workload to do throughout the month. He was a few days from being done with that, but Bella knew just how taxing it was on him.

But.

"Still, I got all done up. Alice's hard work shouldn't go to waste," Bella said absentmindedly, running her fingers down to his cheeks, where stubble was already growing. She figured he didn't bother shaving today.

"So it wasn't just for me?" Edward poured, and when Bella imitated an emoji and just held up an arm bent at the elbow and a hand out flat, head slightly cocked to the side, he chuckled. Of course it had been, her eyes said, but also for herself.

"Tell me why you want to go to the party babe," Edward said, index finger trailing circles on her exposed sternum. Bella hummed, enjoying the sensation.

"I'll tell you later," Bella said, the face of innocence with her hair making a halo around her and the always-calm expression on her face. "Also, I heard something."

"Mm?" Edward lazily frowned at her, hung up on his lack of answer.

"Tanya."

Ah, yes.

Tanya.

Intermission

Tanya Denali was the bane of Bella's existence. The real one. Life was good when she was gone and sucked when she was within thirty feet from her. She was mean, overdid her makeup every time and had been trying to fuck Edward since he shot ip a foot and a half in high school and gained a six pack from football. And even though Bella certainly appreciated having a muscled, tall boyfriend, she hadn't looked at him differently because of it —it had taken a confession of love and a year for her to truly appreciate those characteristics.

Tanya has transferred into high school during sophomore year, just a bit before Edward's transformation. She'd done everything she could to swipe him off his feet, and apparently, before he'd built up the courage to tell Bella his feelings, he'd slept with her. This confession had come across back when they were building up to their first time having sex; Edward had tried reassuring Bella about something or other, and in the process it had slipped that he'd done it before. Inquiries had led him to admit what had gone down at the end of their sophomore year.

"So… you slept with Tanya?"

"I did."

"Alright."

Bella hadn't known back then how to react. She'd always disliked the girl; from the way she dressed to the way she treated others, Bella had found it extremely hard to find any redeeming quality in her classmate. Then, when Tanya had started picking on her (given that she was the girl closest to the Cullen brothers), Edward had stopped reacting after a while. It would've been nice if he'd defended her, but it was kinda hard to stick up for someone who seemed to not give a fuck.

And she hadn't. She really hadn't cared Tanya tripped her once or twice and had spread a rumor about her being a lesbian. Shit like that didn't phase her; what did, however, matter, was that Edward had slept with the girl who would've stuck bubblegum to her hair if Alice hadn't seen the bitch in time.

Digressing. Edward's confession of lack of virginity had led them to a cold war —because he got mad. Apparently, 'alright' hadn't been the right answer. He'd claimed she didn't care about him, that he was thankful she didn't blow things out of proportion but that it would be nice to get some reaction every once in a while. This in turn had made Bella angry, who told him she wasn't going to change just because they were dating. That if she'd cared she wouldn't have been able to have sex with him, thinking of Tanya every moment of them doing it.

"I'm sad I won't be your first," Bella had told him. "But I care far more about who your first was."

Edward hadn't known what to say. Yeah, he'd known Tanya annoyed Bella (everyone did), but he hadn't known how to explain that he'd slept with her before the kind-of-bullying. It was only after the fact that Tanya had started trying to alienate the friends. So he hadn't been sure how to reply to Bella's statement, given that she'd admitted to caring about something other than school or her mom.

The argument had ended a few days later with Edward explaining the timeline and (truthfully) assuring her he had never been inclined again to have sex with the mean girl and that if he'd known she'd been so hurt by Tanya's actions, he would've done more to defend her.

Bella, hugging him tightly, had wondered if it should've been necessary to say she'd been hurt by actions clearly meant to wound her.

Had she really convinced the world she was made of steel?

End intermission

"What about her?" Edward groaned, pulling back his hand and laying on his back.

"Well, I heard that she'd been invited to the party." Bella said casually. "This is your friendly reminder that if she tries talking to me, I cannot be held accountable for my actions."

He sighed.

"How many times do I have to apologize for sleeping with her?"

"You say that as if you ever did," Bella muttered to herself, sighing as well. "And it's not like you have to. I'm just saying."

Edward was silent for a moment.

"What is it?" Bella frowned.

"Well… it's not the first time she's gone to one of these. Her college's not that far away," Edward admitted. "I never told you because I didn't think you'd like it. You always get all weird when she's brought up.

"I don't—" Bella started, but Edward's glare out of the corner of his eye stopped her. "—get too weird."

He snorted.

"Really, why are we even talking about her? I always get upset and you always get all riled up. Can't we talk about something else?"

This was a habit Edward had that really irked her. Whenever they talked about a subject he didn't like he was very quick to change the subject, but if it was a subject she didn't like, he always pushed like there was no tomorrow. She wanted to relieve some of the bad feelings inside her, but he could never manage to pull through. It was hard.

"Yeah, ok," Bella sighed, sitting up. "I'll be right back. I forgot to get a nicer sweater from Alice."

She tried moving, but a very hard grip held onto her wrist. Frowning, she looked back to see her quarterback boyfriend scowling.

"What, seriously? You're just gonna leave?"

Glancing at him with that expressionless face of hers, she pried his fingers off.

"I'm not leaving, Edward. I'm going for a sweater."

Bella shook him off, glancing at the time on her alarm clock.

"We should leave in like ten minutes if we want to find a good parking spot."

Then she walked out.

Fuming.

The first, second, third, hell, tenth time it happened she hadn't cared. She hadn't batted an eyelash at him so brusquely refusing to talk about something. But after two years, it was getting old. He'd also done it when they were just friends, but they'd been just that— friends. Now, it felt like he kept shutting her out of a part of his life.

Pondering these things, she didn't see ahead of her and crashed into a wall.

Well, kinda.

A human one.

"Woah, Bells, you alright?" a voice pulled her out of her thoughts, and smiling, she found her spirit being immediately lifted by Jacob Black.

Jake had been her boyfriend during freshman year of high school. He was nice, funny, and a chill boy. Back then, they'd been awkward teenagers that hadn't known how to date and having Bella's best friend always lurking and glaring hadn't helped Jake be firmer on his feelings. They'd drifted apart, until eventually, four years of high school went by with them just saying hi to each other in the hallways. As luck would have it, they ended up in the same dorm, but they saw each other so little Bella hardly ever thought about it.

Now was one of the times when she did.

"Jake, hi!" Bella pulled back to look up at the mammoth of a man in front of her. Being from the reservation, he'd always used his hair long, but when he entered college he cut it off, claiming he wanted a change. His looks had always been nice, but this way, he was cute. The dimpled smile and Colgate teeth were detrimental, too.

"Well, someone looks ready to party," Jake gave her an easygoing smile, looking her up and down. "Going to Newton's?"

She nodded.

"Well, that's surprising. I would've thought you'd rather swallow a snail than go to one, but it seems like time has changed you," Jake winked. "You look good Bells. Still going strong with Cullen?"

Bella blinked.

"Yeah?"

He chuckled.

"Let me guess. You fought?" She gave him a sheepish smile. "Don't worry about that. It'll figure itself out."

Bella let her shoulders sag.

"Yeah, I hope you're right. I'm just very…" she took a moment to think it through. "…angry right now."

He barked out a laugh.

"Yeah? Murderous or nah?"

She rolled her eyes. It was kinda hard to tell she was pissed, but she was damn it.

"How do you and Nessie usually resolve your fights?" Bella asked, referring to Vanessa, his recently-acquired girlfriend. Jake hummed, thinking about it.

"One of us apologizes, and that's it. We haven't been together long enough to really fight, so that's all I can give you." Jake said apologetically, as though it was his fault he had a good relationship. Suddenly, his eyes lit up. "Hey, remember the one fight we had when we dated?"

Her lips twitched into a grin.

"You mean the one where I was totally right?"

He chortled.

"You? Bells, no one should desecrate pizza that way!"

They had really and truly fought because Bella couldn't help eating pizza by layers (first toppings, then cheese, then the bread), and Jake had refused to even watch her do it. One thing had led to another until they were in a screaming match in the middle of the pizzeria listing the advantages of eating pizza the way they did. It was, quite frankly, the stupidest fight Bella had ever been on.

"Excuse me, but—"

"Bella?"

She seriously couldn't help it, but the second she heard Edward's voice her smile slipped. The worst part was that she was sure Edward would be able to tell because of her position, and the furious set to his brows was confirmation enough.

"Edward," Bella said tightly. "Remember Jake? He used to be smaller than you."

Shooting her an amused glance, Jacob just nodded at Edward.

"Hey man. Long time no see." He smiled despite the other guy's furious glare. "Great game last weekend. Saw you on TV."

Edward nodded rigidly.

"Thanks Jacob. I didn't know you go to U-Dub," Edward said, his glare now aimed at his girlfriend, who was purposefully not looking at him.

"Really? I see Bella around all the time," Jake shrugged, and Bella shot him panicked eyes. When his lip twitched, she realized the little shit had done it on purpose.

"Really?" Edward's tone elevated a couple of pitches. "Bella did not mention that."

"The good thing is we all have our health," Bella nodded seriously, looking at her imaginary watch. "Oh, would you look at that? Jake, didn't you say you had that thing you were going to do?"

He raised an eyebrow, amused.

"You mean laundry?" He pointed at the basket at his feet.

"Yes, you smell already. Good thinking," Bella nodded quickly. "Come on Edward, let's go. Jake's gonna stink up the hallway otherwise."

She grabbed her boyfriend's hand and sprinted the way she'd come, shooting back wide eyes at her ex, who was desperately trying not to burst out laughing.

When she'd safely returned Edward to her room, she suddenly snapped her fingers.

"Cheese on a cracker, I forgot to get my sweater. I'll go get it."

Edward physically blocked her way out.

"I offer you one massage after practice for a week in exchange for not having this fight."

When Edward didn't immediately reply, Bella looked up with hopefulness clear all over her face, only to have it viciously crushed the moment her eyes met with unadulterated fury.

"You mean to tell me Jacob Black, your only ex-boyfriend, has been living in the same dorm as you and it never occurred to you to tell me?"

Bella pursed her lips.

"Talking is not my strong suit," she offered, but the answering stare told her it wasn't the right answer. "I forgot?"

It was the closest thing to the truth. It'd been important enough for her to make a note of, but not so much she'd talk about it. The first weekend she went back home after college she'd told her mom just to have a thing to talk about, but that was as far as it had gone.

"You… forgot?" Edward's jaw dropped. "You, the woman who still remembers the fucking day you saw me eat my boogers when I was five?"

November 13th.

Bella sighed.

"I dated him five years ago, Edward. I forgot. Not that he lived here, obviously, but to tell you. It wasn't intentional," she narrowed her eyes then, suddenly remembering. "Just like a certain someone hadn't told me they'd seen Tanya Denali at frat parties until today."

Edward pressed his lips together tightly.

"I never liked Tanya."

"Well, I never fucked Jacob." Bella said, crossing her arms over her chest. The proof of Edward's anger was that he didn't even glance at how the movement pushed up her boobs.

"Yeah, well, if something's clear then it's that obviously you only fuck those you don't like."

She slapped him.

Bella wasn't a violent person; fuck, she was hardly an emotions person, so she wasn't prone to have outbursts or act on her feelings.

There was a moment of so much silence that they would've heard a pin drop from three rooms away. Edward just held his cheek, and Bella just stared at him in disbelief.

Then, after swallowing loudly, Bella spoke.

"Say that again."

He looked down at his feet, hand still over the stinging skin.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because…" he swallowed hard, his mouth dry. His heart was pounding so loudly he barely heard himself over it. "That was mean."

He heard sniffling, and horrified, he looked up.

Bella was crying.

Bella.

"Yeah, it was." She whispered. "You should go now."

"But—"

"Please, Edward," Bella said, her throat closing up. She pleaded with him while looking directly into his eyes, letting him see how much pain he'd caused her. "All we do is fight lately. I can't seem to do anything right by you, or react right, or be right. I just need a b—"

Edward shot a hand out to shut her up, eyes wide with freight.

"I'll go, Bella. Don't say anything else. Don't." He emphasized, letting his hand drop. Face tired, he approached her to drop a kiss on top of her head. "I'm sorry I've been such a shit lately, love. And for what it's worth, you look extra beautiful tonight, and I'm sorry I made you waste the look."

Then, without looking at her, Edward left.

Leaving Bella's dorm, Edward headed back to his apartment with his heart galloping at fifty miles an hour. He was upset, and anxious, and angry as fuck.

First, every bone in his body was on edge about the words he'd stopped Bella from uttering. He needed Bella like he needed no one else, not even his own twin. Even when they didn't see each other, he always knew she had his back and that if he sent her a silly text she'd always reply. That he'd upset the one woman on earth he loved more than life itself was worrisome, especially given how rare her being upset was. He was the mercurial one of the two; he got angry and happy, upset and content, sad and ecstatic with ease. He was the one always hounding Bella with his feelings, always demanding her to say how she felt about him. Because God knew she showed it —before every game she'd always make him a batch of chocolate chip cookies and hide them in his room so Emmett, being his flatmate and resident endless barrel, wouldn't inhale them. When the coach ripped him a new one in front of the guys, Bella always made sure to play up her sex appeal for the next game to make sure the guys didn't forget Edward was still a lucky son of a bitch. If he was having trouble with finishing a reading assignment Bella would make him a quick summary if he just mentioned in passing his stress. Every time he called off one of their dates because he had to study or had a reposition class Bella would just rearrange her schedule so she'd get her own assignments out of the way, ready to accommodate herself to his workload. If he was dead on his feet after practice she'd offer to give him a massage. However many times Edward got all jealous of some dude whose name Bella didn't even know she only rolled her eyes at his intensity and left it at that. If Edward got angry, and he was in the wrong, she never demanded an apology before making up, even though whenever he got angry she apologized sincerely. Most of the time he was swamped in shit to do, moody and demanding. She never complained.

It's what made him, in turn, so damn insufferable lately.

Bella never asked for anything except food. Every once in a while he'd take her to museums or new libraries, but that was it. No demands, no requests, nada. Being relied upon so little was torture, given that he wanted to gift her the moon and the stars if he could. Often (more than he'd like) he wondered if Bella had only agreed to date him so he'd give up his pursuit; for him, it had always been her. Bella had never given indication that it wouldn't do if it wasn't Edward; that she'd be sad if they broke up. That she'd care if her relationship, not their friendship, ended. She hardly ever told him she liked him, and had certainly never told him she loved him in their almost two years together.

And God did he love her. Enough to say stupid shit because his heart got away from his brain. He'd wanted her to tell him 'what are you talking about? I have sex with you and I love you Edward' but obviously his heart did not know how logic worked. Saying hurtful, stupid shit got you slapped; not saying it conserved his relationship much better.

So he was upset that he'd upset Bella, and angry about the Jacob thing. Seeing her, smiling and talking with him so naturally, had momentarily flashed him back to freshman year in high school, watching the girl he loved from afar as she flashed brilliant smiles at the boy she liked. Then she'd turned to him and frowned, and this had crushed him inside; perhaps, his heart said, she still liked him. Perhaps she didn't care about what Edward did or said because she had someone else whose words and actions she did care about.

Still, he was terrified to think Bella might be presently considering breaking up with him. He wasn't one to speak rashly (not even on the football field, and certainly not out of anger) but tonight something had bubbled out of him. Madness, most likely. He knew no excuse he gave would ever be good enough, and the hopeful part of him wanted to think Bella would use as proof of character their lifetime together instead of his mistake. In searching reassurance of her feelings, he'd hurt her, and he'd be sure to make it up to both of them if she let him.

"Yo, sourpuss, you coming right?" Emmett was suddenly in his face, startling Edward. Somehow he'd managed to drive back to his apartment and get out of the car to the front of his apartment without really recalling the in between. He was presently looking from one psyched Emmett Cullen to the chill Jasper Whitlock.

"Don't think so, Em. Not feeling up to it," Edward said, and something about his expression must've alerted his twin to the truthfulness in his words.

"Ed, what's wrong?" Emmett frowned, following his brother into their apartment, Jasper in tow. "Did something happen?"

Edward collapsed on the couch.

"Bella might break up with me." He declared, and the two other boys were so shocked they weren't sure that he was kidding or not. "I literally shut her up to stop her from saying she would."

"Nah man, she can't. She loves you."

Edward barked out a laugh.

"She tell you that? Cause she certainly hasn't shared that information with me." He glared up at their surprised faces. "Yes, we've been dating for a year and eleven months and she's yet to tell me she loves me."

Assholes, making him say it out loud.

"You're yanking my chain," Jasper drawled, disbelieving.

"Nope."

"Alice and I said I love you two months into our relationship."

"I told Rosie I loved her since she fixed my Bertie," Emmett input. "Remember? The day we met."

Edward frowned.

"I've told Bella I love her."

His brother and best friend flinched for him.

"And she still hasn't…?" Edward shook his head. His twin plopped down beside him, put an arm behind his back and stared into the distance. Jasper followed suit, plopping down to his right. Emmett shook his head. "Man, that's rough."

Edward was so glad he had a twin he could rely on for moral support.

"Hasn't Bella said anything to you?" Edward asked, knowing it was a futile question. Bella never talked about her feelings with anyone, probably not even with herself.

"Nah man, me and Bella don't really confide much anymore. She thinks I'll run to you if she tells me something about your relationship. Smart girl." Emmett shrugged, truthful as ever. "We haven't seen much of each other either lately anyway."

"You know who might know?" Jasper asked rhetorically. "Alice."

Edward groaned.

"Whitlock, you know I love your girlfriend, but she's Team Bella all the way. No way she's ever telling me, even if she did know."

Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Hey, it's not Ali's fault you got the equivalent to an emotional safety box for a girlfriend. You should be the one asking Bella directly how she feels."

Yeah, yeah.

"Bella's not a safety box," Edward snapped, despite it all needing to defend his girl. "She's more like an oyster; usually open but snaps when it closes."

He tried?

More like, he didn't need to explain to them. Emmett was an ass, but he more than most people understood just how amazing Bella was. She didn't know this, but she had very expressive eyes; if something bothered her or excited her they instantly reflected it. It's just that most people weren't particularly observant; in Edward's case, he sometimes focused so much on what she didn't say that he forgot what she showed.

"You suck," Jasper said helpfully. "If she breaks up with you, it's all your fault."

Edward's jaw dropped. This guy was just as vicious as Alice!

"Dude," Emmett shook his head pitifully. "I can't even tell you I understand. Rosie's pretty vocal about her feelings, so I really can't imagine. You're on your own."

Edward sulked.

"Fucking go, you assholes. You're making me feel even shittier."

But the two of them grabbed hold of an arm and tugged him up.

"You're coming with us to the party. You need adult supervision and a drink or five." Emmett said, clapping his back. "End of discussion."

At half past midnight Bella got a call from a worried Jasper, who claimed Edward was shit-faced and both he and Emmett had drunk one too many beers to drive him home. Besides, Emmett was staying the night at Rosalie's, which was within walking distance of the party. He was rideless, basically.

"How drunk is he?" Bella asked worriedly.

"He's for real crawled into a corner to cry. I even took a snap for remembrance." Jasper chuckled, amused despite himself.

Rolling her eyes, Bella promised she'd be right there.

Walking into a party, Bella was glad she hadn't changed out of her party outfit. She blended right in, and the outfit didn't go to waste, even though she'd washed off her makeup.

However, just when she had Jasper within viewing distance, a body stepped in front of her. It was Tyler Crowley, the linebacker for the football team and shit for brains that couldn't take a hint. Bella hated him since he'd grabbed her ass while walking out of a class freshman year. After she'd told Edward, Tyler had somehow broken an arm mid football season during practice. Edward's self-satisfied grin had told her he'd had more than a little something to do with it.

"Little Swan," Crowley drawled, clearly drunker than most people in the place. "You showed up!"

Bella didn't reply.

"What's the matter, Swan? Cat got your tongue?" He leered, stumbling when he made to move closer to her. "You look hot, girl. For me?"

"No," she finally said, gritting her teeth in fury.

"Really? Then for who?" He pretended looking around. "You mean… for Cullen? That little pussy that's crying in the corner?"

Bella's fists clenched at her sides, and she was sure she drew blood from where her nails dug into her palms.

"Watch your mouth, Crowley. That's my boyfriend you're talking about."

It was the most she'd ever bothered saying to him.

But this only spurred him on.

"Really? Because rumor has it you've got Cullen on a leash with what could only be a magic p—"

He was cut off by Edward slamming a fist into his stomach.

"You piece of shit, Crowley." Was all Edward said. He had some incredible skulking off powers, so before Bella had realized what was going on she was being dragged off by the hand somewhere else. They scurried off between moving bodies until they were outside of the house, breathing blessedly fresh air. Edward was visibly shaking in anger, most of the alcohol in his system probably evaporated. He hadn't let go of Bella's hand, just focused on breathing in and out.

Finally, she heard him gulp.

"Did he do anything else to you?" He asked, not turning to look at her. Heart suddenly beating again, she shook her head.

"He didn't."

His shoulders relaxed.

"Thank God," he sighed, then turned and grabbed his girlfriend in a fierce hug. "I'd get charged for what I'd do to him if he ever touched you again."

Bella wanted to tell Edward to calm down, that it hadn't been as bad some of the things he'd said to her before. That it wasn't that big a deal even though he'd tried humiliating her. That she was more concerned about how much he reeked of alcohol. But she didn't; she was so relieved that Edward had been her knight in shining armor that she just held him back just as tightly.

"I was so scared," Bella finally choked out, and the shock of hearing her admittance made Edward loosen his grip so he could back up and see her face. She was red, looking like she'd cry if given the right incentive.

"I'm so sorry, baby. If I hadn't gotten so drunk you wouldn't have had to come here—"

She shut him up.

"No."

The quiet but strong word was charged with words unsaid. Edward, in his inebriated state, heard it:

What if you'd gotten into a drunk person's car? What if I'd lost you like I lost my dad?

Two months ago Charlie Swan had gone with Harry Clearwater to fish by the docks, and without realizing, Harry had knocked back one too many beers. Being sober, Charlie had been adamant that he'd be driving; then, while on the highway, Harry had thought it'd be funny to grab hold of the steering wheel, driving the car into the other lane.

Harry made it.

Charlie didn't.

"Alright," Edward said softly. "We should go before Crowley comes out, love."

Holding her hand tightly, Edward and Bella walked to her monster truck in silence. Bella's heart was still pounding, and Edward was absorbed in thoughts of what to say.

The clock struck one in the morning when the car pulled out of the frat house.

~Play~

"I miss him, you know," Bella suddenly said, surprising Edward.

"Of course you do. He was your dad. Is."

Bella shrugged.

"It was more than that. He was…" Bella tried explaining, but when words failed her, she stopped trying. "People think I don't care though. Like I didn't lose my father."

Edward stayed silent.

"You know I care, though. So why haven't you acted like it?" Bella asked, her lip quivering in the effort it took her not to cry. "Why haven't you asked if I'm alright?"

Edward slumped down on his seat.

"I just didn't want to be told again you were 'fine', like you always do. It's like a kick in the shin every time I ask you to tell me how you feel and you don't tell me." Edward admitted. "It's not that I want you to always offer up the information —that's not you. But you shut me out, and I didn't want to get hurt over you not telling me you were sad Charlie's gone."

Bella was quiet for a few minutes, focusing on some sharp turns she needed to focus on.

When she did speak, Edward wished she hadn't.

"I feel like a part of me's gone," she mumbled out. "I wake up crying almost every night, reliving the call I got from mom."

They'd been at the beach when the news had come in. It was the only thing Edward had been thankful for; he'd been there to catch her when it seemed as though she'd let the waves take her.

Still, her admission meant he'd been so gone these two months he didn't fucking know how badly the scars in her heart were. It meant that he didn't know her as well as he thought, and that while she'd been crumbling, she'd also been holding him up. That while his rage had been building in the last month over not hearing three stupid words, she needed them being told to her more than ever. Of course he knew she'd be grieving, but sometimes stupid things seemed much bigger.

Edward had never felt more selfish in his life than right then.

So, the alcohol totally out of his system, he cried. He cried so much that Bella rushed the remaining five minutes to get him to his apartment, thinking it was the alcohol. She helped him out of the car and into his flat, where the second the door closed he had dropped to his knees, bawling at her feet.

"Edward? My God, what's wrong? Are you hurt? What happened?"

She dropped beside him, confused and scared, wondering if she'd have to drive him to the hospital and already making arrangements in her head.

Head bowed in shame, Edward finally replied

"I'm so fucking selfish, Bella," Edward cried. "I didn't realize, don't you see? I was all bent out of shape because of stupid as shit reasons, and your father— and yet you—"

Bella let him grab a tight hold of her, his wet eyes sticking to her neck.

"You did a lot for me," Bella shushed him, running a hand through his hair. "You've done more than anyone else."

And he had. No one had known how to react when the old chief of police had died, and when Bella had gone to the first day of school, despite it having been only a week since Charlie's death, they'd assumed she'd been holding up alright. And though Edward hadn't known just how long her hurt had gone on, he'd been going back home with Bella every single weekend, just to make sure Renée didn't feel alone. That woman was a wreck, and Bella couldn't bare leaving her alone. If he had practice on a Friday night (which he usually did) he'd go home on Saturday, stay with his parents and drive the two of them back to college on Sunday. He'd known she'd always withdraw a little bit into herself on Sundays, but Edward couldn't remember a day Bella hadn't reacted that way after being forced to be with her hyperactive mother a whole weekend.

For how smart he was, Edward was also incredibly stupid.

"I didn't," Edward gasped out, his hands finding purchase in Bella's long hair; he tugged almost painfully, then released it, rearranging his head so he was looking away from Bella's neck. "Why are you even with someone like me? I'm such a fuck-up for a boyfriend Bella. I'm not considerate like you, or kind, or—"

Bella stopped him right there.

"Edward, if I felt like I could find someone better, I'd have never started dating you in the first place," Bella chided. "Now stop. It's late, and we should head to bed."

Edward gripped her even harder and pushed forward until he was lying on top of Bella, lower bodies joined tightly together and his elbows holding off most of his weight.

"Tell me you love me," he begged hoarsely, searching her eyes desperately. Needing her to not only say it but mean it. Bella didn't reply, choosing instead to bring up a hand to cup his jaw. It was sticky with his tears, and it tugged at her heartstrings. Edward sobbed and tears splashed down on her face. "Please, Isabella Swan, tell me you're fucking half as in love with me as I am with you. I need you to say it because I feel like I'll die right now if you don't. Tell me that you won't ever want anyone else, that you only ever dream about me, that you would fucking crumble to bits if I ever stopped loving you."

Tell me we feel the same way.

By his last word, he wasn't sure if the tears on Bella's face were just his anymore. He desperately wanted them to be hers, too. He wanted proof she understood the extent of his love.

Again, Bella did not answer. Instead, she dropped her hands, wiggled out from underneath him and stood up. Silently, as she did most things, she held out an expectant hand, knowing Edward would grab it.

He did.

She walked them to his room, her fingers warm on Edward's cold ones. Locking the door behind her, she walked Edward to the edge of his bed and made him sit down. All of his senses were zoned in on the small girl in front of him.

Bella started undoing the warrior sandals she'd borrowed from Alice.

"I hate Tanya. It's true I hate how she used to treat me, but I hate even more that you gave her your first time."

Edward said nothing. He'd known this, even though she'd said it in roundabout ways.

Bella shook off the sandal, setting it aside.

"I'm not a person who cares much about anything, but the Cullens, Alice, Angela, my parents… You're all people I care deeply about."

She set to work on the other sandal.

"I have a special drawer back at home where I keep every love letter you sent me before we started dating."

He didn't know that.

"The first time we had sex I hated it."

He knew that, too.

"But every time since has been better than sex ought to be. I've never once faked an orgasm with you."

He'd actually thought Bella had faked it once or twice.

She set aside the other sandal, slowly straightening up.

"That wasn't the first or last time Tyler Crowley said something so crude to me."

What?

She walked closer to him, getting down on her knees by his feet.

"I hate how romantic you are but what a hard time I have expressing myself."

She took off his shoes, his socks. She said nothing in the meantime, and Edward didn't dare breathe a word for fear that she'd stop talking.

"I thought going to the party would make you happy. That's why I wanted to go."

She got up again, taking Edward's shirt with her as she went.

"I didn't like you romantically when you confessed to me, it's true. But once you said you loved me you stopped being 'just Edward' forever."

Bella slipped out of her dress.

"I haven't been able to visit my dad's grave since we buried him, and it kills me with guilt."

Edward thought he was hallucinating. Fifteen years and it was until now that he was getting a glimpse into her real thoughts.

"I knew you wanted me to tell you I loved you, but I'm…"

Edward didn't want to hear the rest of that sentence, so he shot up to his feet and gave her a bruising kiss, silencing Bella.

He took off her bra and panties, his belt and jeans and boxers. She let him shut her up for a while, then tried talking in between kisses, but he wouldn't let her. Instead he threw her down on the bed and sealed her lips any way he could.

"Ed—"

He checked if she was wet, and she was. She always was, and sometimes Edward wondered if she'd been made just for him. To answer just to him. Heavens knew he was always ready to answer to her.

Wanting to drown out her missing sentence, Edward drove himself into her, knowing his length always drove Bella incoherent. He set a bruising pace, knowing Bella could take it. It was his pace, and she was designed to mold herself to anything that was his. They were the perfect design, if only he could make her see it…

"Bella, I love you," Edward repeated endlessly into her mouth, his match sometimes speeding up, other times driving himself harder into her. They were a mixture of sweat, tears, saliva and juices, the distinct smell etched forever into their minds. Fuck, he loved her.

"Edward!" Bella gasped suddenly, her back arching and pushing him even deeper inside of her. She was crying, overwhelmed by feelings that weren't hers and by words that were about to spill over.

"Fuck!" Edward rammed himself into her, prolonging her orgasm by rubbing her clit furiously. Twitching, she tightened so much around him that Edward came, spilling inside of her his essence and his soul. She could have them; he had no need for them anymore.

He collapsed beside her, and within moments, he was passed out.

Edward woke up at five in the morning. It was his practice alarm, but today he had the day off. Groaning, he shut it off, noticing a warmth on his chest.

It was Bella, still there with him, looking up at him.

"Hey sleepy head," she smiled tiredly. Looking down, he saw she'd covered them with his blankets at some point, and she had her arm and leg over his body, her eyes just below his.

"Bella?" he whispered.

She nodded.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" Edward asked, suddenly remembering how harsh he'd been with her before falling asleep. Thankfully, she just shook her head in denial. "You're still here."

She blinked.

"Where else would I be?"

"Oh, I don't know. With someone you're treated with a bit more tact or something," Edward frowned, but contrary to his words, his arms tightened around her.

"Or something." Bella muttered, leaning forward and laying a kiss on his chin. "Who'd I run to?"

"Jacob," Edward, sour as ever, muttered.

She giggled, and the sound was so sweet to his ears his heart pounded.

"His girlfriend might have a problem with that," Bella said. "And mine might, too."

He closed his eyes, a part of him he hadn't known was raging calming down.

"He would," Edward admitted. "He's deeply attached to you."

"Hey, boyfriend?" Bella whispered, knowing he was being lulled back to sleep.

He hummed.

"I love you."

The calm ended, his eyes shot open and his neck twisted to bring his head as humanly close as possible to Bella's.

"What?"

"I love you, Edward." Bella leaned forward with another kiss, this time to his lips. "I'd crumble to bits if you didn't love me. I'm sorry for not saying it sooner."

It was magic. His lungs expanded, his head cleared, his heart grew, his stomach fluttered —hell, he wasn't sure which body part didn't react. He wasted no time wondering if Bella was being truthful; she didn't say things she didn't mean. Her word was her bond, and this sentence tied her to him for life.

He attacked her with kisses.

He kissed her face, her neck, her shoulders. He paid attention to her breasts, her abdomen, her legs. He stopped in between them, burying his face deep in between what made her a woman. He lavished her in attention, then emptied himself inside of her again. Once more, tears had spilled from his eyes, only this time he was sure that those on Bella's face were her own. This time, they were happy tears.

"I love you, Bella."

He didn't kiss her.

"I love you too, Edward Cullen. So much."

He wanted to hear those words too badly to do so.

"Laugh it up old man, I know you find it so damn amusing, don't you?"

Stare.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. What are the odds that I'd be the one doing the talking between the two of us?"

Nothing.

"You did this on purpose, didn't you?" She accused. "You had to go and get yourself stuck in this place so I'd do the talking, didn't you?"

Sigh.

"Well, guess what, you asshole. It worked. You made me be the verbose one between the two of us."

Bella Cullen cried, drowning out the flatline.

"I love you, Edward."

For the first and only time in seventy years of marriage, he didn't say it back.

Less than a year later, he apologized for the lack of response.

Ok, so, I just got struck by this oneshot. I sometimes get obsessed with these things, so instead of updating my other story, studying or sleeping, I did this the last week or so. Hopefully, y'all see I didn't mean to make hateful characters, but flawed partners that had trouble communicating. It's too often relationships end because people don't tell each other what's ailing them, so I hope this extreme situation of lack of talking puts it into perspective for you if you feel like you're either Edward or Bella. Anyway, I wish you liked this fic! Don't forget to favorite, follow and review. :))

Leah.