Welcome to my odd little AU. Where the humor is a little darker, the mystery is a little thicker and hopefully the laughs are a plenty.

Warning: Blood, Gore, Strong language, adult themes, and my own brand of awful humor.(least I think I'm funny)

Disclaimer: Yoooo, I don't own shit. That is all.

xXx

Wetwork is a euphemism for murder or assassination, alluding to spilling blood.

xXx

"Remind me how we got into this mess?"

"You mean the blood?... or in general?" Naruto replied. Flicking a particularly thick film of gore from his face with saturated hands.

" Guess it doesn't matter." Gaara stood with a groan, doing the same. "You tend to get me in trouble no matter what the reason."

"You're blaming this." Naruto threw his hands up I the air as if to say, everything. "On, me?!"

Gaara first looked right.

Then left.

Once at the blood dripping ceiling.

And then back to Naruto.

"Well if the shoe fi-" Gaara looked past Naruto to the smeared floor behind him. "... Is that a whole fucking foot?"

Naruto ignored the man as he nudged the appendage with a small amount of awe.

"Well blame me all you want, I still say it's her fault. You should've never let her in the store to begin with."

"You don't mean that."

"... Shut up."

xXx

Some days earlier

The smell of dark roasted coffee beans filled the air. A steaming stream of java flowed into an overly jaded styrofoam cup, beauty seemed to clog the room with its thick scent. Simple and distinct, a simple wonder that somehow continued to happen day after day.

But something seemed to trump the coffee's aroma today.

Gaara caught sight of a blonde beauty that walked into his coffee shop. Her hair was done up perfectly in a tight, taught, bun atop her head. Her make up was precise, yet not overbearing. Just enough to hide what little imperfection that he was unsure she had. Her frost blue eyes were protected by a fashionable pair of frames that he was certain cost a king's ransom. And to add to her already professional appearance, she was draped perfectly in a fashionably sleek purple suit. Adorning a name tag right above her left breast that read "Yamanka, Ino."

'I find an uppity blonde in a suit attractive?... What even is today?' Gaara glanced down at his clock.

0730

'Hm, maybe I just have poor judgment in the morning.'

"Can I have a white chocolate macchiato with two shots?" Powerful at a glance, but her order didn't catch him off guard in the least.

'Yep, definitely poor judgment.'

"Just another princess underneath that suit." Gaara spoke low as he began preparing her order.

"What was that?"

"Anything else?" The redhead saved himself before he said anything further. The blonde glanced at her phone and paused a moment.

"Nope, that looks like all she wants." The blonde proceeded to mumble under her breath. " I don't know how people drink this crap anyway."

'Well, now you definitely lost some points.' He practically lived on coffee. Hence why he was working full time as an owner of a local java spot. Typically he didn't have to serve. But something about pouring a warm cup of coffee for people seemed like a good use of his time. Rewarding in all the right ways, as simple as it was.

"Ok Miss, it'll be out in a moment." Gaara wasn't the kindest person, but he'd never been above common courtesy.

"Hurry it up, please. I've got somewhere to be. I know you probably don't understand, being the humble barista you are, but I don't have time to waste on you." Ino paid him no mind as she avoided eye contact entirely. Buried in her phone as she typed away swiftly. Checking the clock on the wall every five seconds as if it'd get up and walk away.

Her rude statement caught him off guard. He only noticed because he found himself gripping a now crumpling cup of coffee.

"Goddamnit!"A mumble of discomfort escaped him as he pulled his scorched hand under the faucet.

"Hey didn't you hear me? I don't have time for you to be fucking around on something so simple! Is your manager here?" Her voice was bitter as was the attitude dripping from her voice.

"Maybe you should watch your da-" Gaara was cut off by a hand covering his mouth.

"Ma'm I can help you. Gaara. I'll take this one." Right on time, Gaara's best friend, Naruto Uzamaki took charge. "I know you have... more important things to do. So I'll have your drink right away ma'm."

Gaara watched as the blonde shuffled slowly to the side. A little put off by the new party. The co-manager of the little java chain. Gaara and Naruto had been working together since they were kids. Be it their prior occupation or their more simple jobs as managers.

"Well, get to it." She grumbled.

Gaara found himself rushing out of the door before he could hear any more of their exchange. Making his way to the smoking area in the back of the store. Prepping a pre-rolled joint he kept in his dress sock, hidden specifically for stressful situations such as these. In moments a cloud of marijuana smoke filled the sky, and a roll burned darker than his blood red hair.

"Damn. Blondy got you that high strung, huh?" Naruto asked the question, but all he received in response was a curt nod from Gaara.

"I think if you didn't show up when you did then there'd be one more prick in the burn unit. But luckily." Gaara held up his welted hand. "That wasn't the case."

"Hah. I'm starting to think you're getting soft on me... Pass me that."

Gaara passed the joint to an outstretched hand as he looked at his best friend.

"That girl is something else... civilians always know how to get under my skin it seems." He paused." Or maybe it's just blondes."

Naruto a genuine chuckle before he realized. "Hey, dick..."Naruto didn't say anything else as he let a puff of thick smoke pool in his mouth as he made a terrible attempt at blowing little o's into the air.

A harsh fit of coughs was his result.

"Well you know you don't have to deal with the customers. We have enough of these shops and well more than enough people to run them. Besides." Naruto motioned at the mounted tv just through the double doors of the coffee shop. "Didn't you hear? Lady Tsunade is passing the torch to Hatake today at the inauguration. The whole city is tunning in."

"Hn, I thought we left the contracting business to stay away from politics? Why do you even care?... Hey, don't hog it!"

The duo was noticeably red eyed at this point. An air of laze replacing the recently tense atmosphere. An ashing joint fading between passing hands. With every cough, the previous tension seemed to diffuse.

"Do you miss it? Being the military's lap dogs I mean. Easy money, comfortable lifestyle, the action..." the blonde eyed the ground as he ashed remains on the sole of his leather shoes.

"If I did, do you think I'd own a damn coffee chain? I'm done doing the dirty work for a bunch of government pigs."

"Oh come on now. Haha, granny isn't that bad. Hell, Kakashi was even a decent mentor before he went politician."

Gaara gave a pointed look at his companion. Naruto hadn't mentioned their last job in ages, even when his normally talkative nature increased tenfold during their smoke breaks.

"Something you want to tell me?"

" ... She called yesterday. Offered us a job, for some serious pay."

"You can't really be considering this, we're done with that shit."

"Yeah yeah I know. Just caught my interest ya know? Apparently, someone has been leaking security information from the Land of Fire to other countries."

"What does that have to do with us, we did wetwork, we're not second rate detectives."

The truth is that both Gaara and Naruto had worked diligently for the government for some years. Fresh out of high school they were trained by countries black ops unit, the W.E.T. to more or less eliminate violent threats and enemies of the Land of Fire. Having the honor of being hand picked by Kakashi Hatake, a mentor to both of them in their youth. Stopping only after making enough money to live a more moral lifestyle.

Ergo, coffee shops.

"Well, that's the thing. Apparently, the snitch is partial to killing also. More than a few officials have been dying of "natural causes" lately. And this close to a new Hokage appointment? No way that's a coincidence."

"So what? We assassinate an assassin for the government?"

"Mhm. 12 million she says."

Gaara paused as he looked out toward the still rising sun. The cresting star blazing warming layers down on top of them.

"That's a lot of coffee shops..."

"So what do you think?"

His bit of admiration for the sun didn't last long as redhead rose and dusted off his pants as he headed back toward the shop.

"I'm thinking I want one of our overly priced danishes before this conversation ruins my high."

"Hey, boss!! Boss!!" A panting brunette girl burst through the back door. "You have to come see this! H-Hokage tower! Attack."

The girl couldn't help but choke over her words until Gaaa gave her a firm shake of the shoulders.

"Spit it out already." Gaara said rather impatiently

" The Hokage has been killed!"

"Tenten stop joking around, who the hell would want to take granny out. She's not even going to be in power much longer." Naruto didn't even bother looking up from his closed eyed position on the grassy ground.

"No really! Come check the news ASAP." The brunette portrayed no signs of humor as she focused a serious stare between both young men.

Gaara and Naruto exchanged a glance before bolting inside to find the breaking news already flashing on all the tv's in the little shop.

"Well." Naruto paused, focused on the news, hands clinched with a vice grip. Headlines read: "The Honorable Lady Tsunade had been poisoned in her own office and died mere moments ago in route to the ER."

He didn't bother to face Gaara as he spoke.

" I hope you don't mind. But retirement might have to wait a while."

xXx

Gaara and Naruto busied themselves rushing people out of the coffee shop, urging them to pick up and leave as fast as possible.

"Sorry lady this is an emergency." Naruto gently rushed a little old lady out the door, her purse and coffee in hand as he passed them to her once she was completely out of the building.

"Why I never!"

"Sorry!" He quickly slammed the door shut and brought down all the curtains as to cover up the shop.

"Tenten I need you to get rid of the rest of the staff and go open up the locker." Gaara gave orders as he lifted a rug behind the coffee shop service counter, revealing a button style floor safe. A few taps of a combination later and a blacked out 36 special was revealed, tucked neatly away in the safe next to some spare ammunition.

'I'm glad I decided to keep all my favorite things so close to each other. Coffee, guns, pretty girls... why am I coming out retirement again?' His train of thought was derailed by a loud crash coming from the storeroom. Followed by a not so manly yell of pain and an enthusiastic chuckle from Tenten.

'Oh yeah, that's why.'

"Goddamnit Naruto what'd you do now-"

"Who the FUCK puts a shotgun on the top shelf?!"

Gaara was approaching the room at this point, gun tucked neatly in his waistband beneath his barista apron. The sight he came across was a grunting Naruto holding his foot and spinning in circles on the ground and a laughing tenten clutching her stomach, gasping for air. Lastly, a heavy, wood detailed, double barrel shotgun on the ground adjacent to them.

"No seriously Gaara, who puts the HEAVIEST GUN WE HAVE in the highest place possible and expects this NOT to happen?!" Naruto legitimately stopped squirming to stare daggers at Gaara from the ground.

"Naruto." The redhead remained calm as he crossed his arms and simply looked at the two of them.

"What?! And Tenten shut the fuck up! It's not funny."

"You organized last. With the reasoning, and I quote, "I don't want short stacks like you being able to reach my girl."

'5'7 isn't even that short. Dick'

This only mad Tenten laugh louder.

"Karma's a bitch ain't it?" She stifled her laughter as she rose up with some visible effort. "You can't make me laugh like that, I might have an aneurysm."

Naruto flipped her the bird from the ground before Gaara helped him to his feet.

"So what's the plan." The man dusted himself off and the tone shifted as Naruto was finally all business.

"Call over to the capital building. See what Shikamaru can tell us. No sense going around guns blazing if we don't even know what the hells going on." Gaara proceeded toward the cabinet, pulling out an additional pocket sized pistol and a slim grey bulletproof vest. Slipping off his apron and shirt in favor of the protective material. "Tenten be a dear and get me something to put over this." A noticeable blush was present on the girl due to Gaara's sudden lack of modesty but she obeyed as she quickly bolted out of the room.

'Hm, guess I still got it.'

"Anything?" The question was directed toward Naruto who got a dial tone for the third time in a row.

"Nothing, that's not like hi-" The blonde was abruptly cut off by a call from an unknown number.

"Oh! We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue!"

"... Seriously?"

"Shut up. Don't judge my taste in music, emo queen."

"And then we'll take it higher!"

"Naruto answer the damn phone!"

"Oh yeah." A pause. "Hello? Yeah, what the hell is going- Hey slow the fuck down Kakashi what do you mean where am I? WORK. It's two in the damn afternoon. "

If Gaara had eyebrows, they'd be raised in confusion.

About this time Tenten came back with two flannels, one red for Gaara and another, dark orange, for Naruto.

"I got you something both that wouldn't be too obvious. Hey, what's going on?" Clearly referring to the blonde that was yelling at his phone receiver.

"Kakashi called him, but Naruto doesn't seem to be able to conduct a civil conversation." He whispered to her.

"Um, guys." Naruto hung up the phone and fixed his orange flannel to drape over his own vest. Complete with black jeans and chucks, the outfit was somewhat inconspicuous. Even for the boisterous individual. "Do you want good news? Bad news? Orrr, worse news?"

"Good news." The answer was almost simultaneous.

"Sooo, we have a lead. Kakashi just told me that Danzo is the only person with even the slightest reasoning to want Tsunade dead."

"How's that even make sense? Danzo was her second, but the title was handed over to Kakashi today."

"Normally you'd be right." It was Gaara who answered Tenten's question." But the law clearly states, if the current Hokage is unavailable, their second in charge will take over in any case that's the Hokage is ill or otherwise unavailable."

"I guess that makes sense... so it looks like Danzo, or at least one of his supporters that want him in power?" Naruto and Gaara nodded in agreement of her deduction.

"Hah! Well, get this." Naruto closed his eyes as he tilted his head toward the ceiling to maintain composure." Kakashi just gave me that call from jail. Turns out Danzo and his delegation placed anyone associated with Granny and Kakashi into ROOT holding until the investigation is "resolved." That's our bad news if you couldn't Sherlock that one out."

"Wait wait wait. ROOT. You mean THE Anbu ROOT?" Gaara questioned.

'There's no way Naruto did what I think he did.'

"Tenten you need to get out of here. Now." Gaara started shoving the brunette towards the rear exit before a disrupting explosion was heard in front of the shop.

"... Naruto, what the hell was that?"

"Wellll..." Naruto took a deep gulp as he rummaged around in the gun locker, fitting himself with two 9mm and at least a half dozen knives. When he was done he walked over to an industrial sized fridge and pulled out two danishes. Gaara's irritation grew as the blonde continued to ignore him.

"That'd be the Anbu ROOT. Either coming to kill us, or take us to jail. Aka, the worse news."

"What. Did. You. DO!?" It was Tenten's turn this time to display her aggravation.

"Aha! About that, funny story."

'I hate when I'm right.' Gaara thought.

"Attention." A megaphone could be heard just on the other side of the door. " Come out with your hands up, we are authorized to use deadly force if you do not comply."

If looks could kill, Gaara would've murdered Naruto a dozen times over. He image playing over and over again in his mind if the look on his face was anything to go by. Ironically accented by the scrunch of his hairless brow where his red Kanji tattoo lies.

"I may or may not have been doing a few side jobs for the Hatake corporation." The blonde extended a shaky hand toward the fuming redhead. The treat in hand.

"Danish?..."

*Sigh*

xXx

A/N: Gaara and Naruto are both about 24 for the sake of the story. If you have any questions feel free to leave a comment.

Don't take this too seriously or you might just hurt yourself.

Tell me your thoughts damnit.

Peace- Sober T

"Someone speaking."

'Someone's thoughts.'

"Naruto's ringtone"