It was one of the hardest cases the squad had had in a long time. All the detectives were rocked by it. One of the worst cases of child abuse and neglect they had seen. Hit both Benson and Rollins hard, reason being they were both mothers. Liv's little boy Noah was going on four and Amanda's little girl Jesse was just hitting a year. It made both of them question what kind of parent each of them was. Amanda being the newer mom, really made her doubt her abilities to be a good mother. Especially with what she went through growing up. She needed air, needed some space.

Amanda being the younger of the two really doubted herself being the mother Jesse needed and deserved. Here she was a young single mother, the father not in the picture. Come on her pregnancy was pretty much a one night stand. That weekend of that damn blizzard. Liv had acted like a madam to break a prostitution ring, to bring a young girl back to her mother. So didnt that make her a slut? She went out on the roof just to get some air, sitting there just looking at the city skyline. Amanda had been moody for some time now and Liv had been wondering if she had been experiencing a delayed post-partum depression.

Since her and Amanda had been becoming somewhat better friends lately, they had been bonding, sharing stories of what their kids had been up too. Hell they had even been spending some time together outside of work letting Noah and Jesse play together. Noah being older was so good with Jesse, being as patient as a little boy could be with a young little girl trying to emulate him and do whatever he did.

Walking closer to where the blonde was sitting she could see the silhouette of a cigarette. She hated that Amanda smoked but she wasnt going to use this time to chastise her and nag her about it. She truly didnt think it was warrented. She came to check on her colleague, her friend. She placed her hand gingerly on Amanda's shoulder "Amanda you doing okay? You know you can talk to me about anything. Im here." Amanda just looked at her. "Thanks Liv." Amanda just sat there staring into the sun, her mind was definitely not there. "Hey Amanda why dont you get out of here early and go get Jesse. If you want bring her over my apartment. I'm sure Noah would love to play and we can have some time to talk without being in the precinct." She reached out her hand to help pull up the blonde and get her on her feet. She could see the tears the blonde was trying to keep back. Out of nowhere Amanda turned and hugged Liv. Surprised Liv a bit as Amanda wasnt one to show her feelings much. Yeah they had held hands, and did the occasional hug goodbye but it never lasted, now this one was a long hug. Liv didnt mind.

Liv walked her back into the squad room. Fin gave a questioning look to Liv when he saw Rollins pack up her desk and head out. Liv saw the look and quickly explained "She needs some 'Jesse time', shes not in trouble Fin. Im supposed to meet up with her later on." He smiled at that. All he wanted was to make sure his partner was okay. Liv went into her office to work on some files. He gave it a few minutes and went to the office, knocking on the wall to gain Liv's attention-she was miles away in thought. "Hey Liv if you want to cut out early and go check on Amanda I can cover." Liv smiled and told him she'd prolly take him up on his offer. She really was quite worried bout her friend. Bout an hour later she told him she was heading out. He told her to take care of Rollins. She text Amanda "Hey just got out of work. Do you want me to swing by pick you, Jesse and Frannie up on the way to my place? Before you say it, no it is not out of my way." Between the cries of a teething baby she heard her phone go off. "Please my sweet baby girl, mama cant take much more of the screams." She text Liv back "If you dont mind a grouchy, teething baby girl. I definitely wouldnt mind it." She stood there bouncing Jesse, searching around for the baby motrin. Finally finding it she gave her some as well as an ice chewy. Seeing it was working a bit she put her baby girl in the pack and play and took a minute to herself. She was going out of her fucking mind. Frannie was keeping an eye on Jesse while Amanda picked up a bit. Liv got there a short time later. Knocking on the door, Amanda grabbing Jesse "Just a minute." She opened the door and Liv saw a very frazzled blonde. Sensing that the blonde was at her breaking point Liv reached to take Jesse "May I?" Amanda smiled. "Sure, Jesse you're gonna go see Liv." Handing Jesse over, she takes the chewy and throws it "yucky", "Hi Hi...Noah?" Amanda groaned, bending over to pick up the chewy. Liv could see a black pair of panties peek up from her position. She had very dirty thoughts, she started humming. Amanda had stood back up. Confused, "You sure you want us to come over Liv? Jesse's grumpy as hell and in a mood." Liv nodded, "Yes Amanda. I already told Lucy and she told Noah. Sweetie why dont you go take a breather and gather some clothes for you and Jesse. I'll stay out here with her."

Amanda went to her bedroom to get some clothes. Oh today just wasnt her day. She was already feeling like a damn failure as it was. Now even more so with not being able to help her daughter, though it was only teething she didnt like seeing her baby in so much pain and only being able to offer limited help. As she started to pack the bags tears started falling down. After a lil bit Liv had put Jesse in her pack and play. "Frannie girl, keep an eye on Jesse. I wanna go check whats keeping your mama." Frannie understood and laid right next to the pack and play. Liv made her way down the hallway and she could hear Amanda upset. She walked into the door way and saw Amanda just standing in her closet. She walked over to her. "Amanda what's going on hun? I could hear you getting upset so I put Jesse in her portacrib thing, told Frannie to stay there and came down here." Amanda looked at her. "It's nothing Liv. You already have enough on your plate. I appreciate you taking us in for a night so Jesse can have a change of scenery." Liv tipped her chin, "and most importantly so you can have some grown up time to talk. I've told you I'm here." Amanda nodded and touched Liv's hand as a sign of showing thanks. Then they heard Jesse wail. Liv could see the stress level rising back up. "I got her Manda. You finish packing so we can go." Amanda did just that, grabbing a couple outfits for Jesse and herself. Not sure how long they'd stay at Liv's but she wanted to be prepared. She finished up, grabbed a few bottles and all the teething rings she could find.

They headed on the road. Jesse all strapped in the back, Frannie on the seat next to her. Amanda frazzled as hell in the passenger seat. For some reason this seemed like a family ride to her. Liv put her hand on Amanda's arm. "Sweetie whatever is going on, I'm here and we will get you through it together." A tear slowly made it's way down Amanda's cheek. "Liv, I cant keep doing this to you. You have your own life and Noah." Liv gently squeezed her arm. "Manda you and I have gotten closer. Not to mention the fact you and Jesse mean alot to me. I'm enjoying that we spend time together and are letting the kids get close." Amanda nodded. She just didnt have the words right now. She was doubting everything she knew, doubting her abilities as a mother and as a detective. She felt the lowest of low. Liv didnt want to push her anymore so she left the tiny frail blonde alone for the time being. She'd let her relax a bit and then hopefully they could talk later on after the kids went to bed. The drive to Liv's apartment was quiet and relaxed. It took about a half hour, traffic was a bit heavy but not too bad. When they got there she noticed Amanda had dozed off.

Lightly touching her arm after she parked her car she woke Amanda up. "Hey Amanda, wake up, we are here. I can carry up Jesse cause I know you're tired." Amanda nodded softly speaking "Thanks Liv. Im gonna let Frannie do her business and be right up." Amanda took Frannie for a lil walk around Liv's complex. She was just thinking. How Jesse had been screaming with her teething, her doubts it all. She really did feel like a failure with Jesse and that hurt. Being a single mother didnt help especially when she had no contact with Jesse's father. She put out the cigarette she had been smoking and went up to Liv's apartment. When she got inside she saw the best scene she had ever seen, Liv sitting on the couch, Jesse laying in her lap gnawing on an ice chewy and Noah just chillen out watching cartoons. He saw Amanda walk in and ran over to her. "Mandy, Mandy... and you have Frannie. Can I pet her please? I promise I'll be super gentle." Amanda smiled. "Sure sweetheart, let me unhook her and you know what she'll prolly come sit with you." Sure enough Noah went and sat on the other couch to watch his cartoon and Frannie jumped up with him, kissed his face and laid her head on his lap.

She asked Liv how Jesse was and Liv told her she was cranky. "Manda I could feel a tooth pushing through in the back, could be a molar." Amanda nodded and took Jesse, she just wanted to cuddle with her baby girl. Her emotions were so rattled. Placing lil kisses in Jesse's hair and whispering "I love you Jesse. Hope I do right by you." The lil girl seeming to understand her mom was in a rough patch just hugged her mommy tight. "Mama". She looked up at Amanda and smiled. After a lil bit both kids ended up crashing. They were looking forward to tomorrow when they could play all day together. Each of them putting their respective child in bed, Noah in his bed and Jesse in her pack and play. Frannie looking at Liv for permission to stay in the room with the kids. She scratched her head "Go ahead Frannie, go sleep with your friends." She happily trotted to a spot between the bed and the pack and play. Both Amanda and Liv smiled. She really loves Noah as much as Jesse Liv. I think you just made her doggie night." Liv was happy. She rubbed Amanda's back. "Im glad honey. Lets go get changed and relax for the night. I have some wine and I think you might have some beer left over from the last time you and Jesse stayed over."

They went and changed. Liv was worried bout her friend slash colleague. She wanted to help her through. She had put on sweats and a t-shirt. Amanda came out in her capri sweats and a tank top. She soon joined Liv on the couch. Liv broke the silence, "So Manda what would you like to drink?" Amanda looked at her, "Im not thirsty right now but thanks." Liv just put her hand gingerly on Amanda's. "Look I know something's bothering you. Whatever it is, I am here to listen and to help you out the best way I can."

Amanda waited a while, gathering her thoughts so to speak. When she spoke Liv did what she said. She listened. She hated hearing her favorite blonde so full of self doubt. Liv bit the bullet and pulled the blonde to her. "Amanda I care alot about you, and whatever this is building between us. It feels like a family, like for instance right now, you sitting here in my arms just feels natural. Please just tell me how you are feeling." Amanda let herself be held, it felt nice not having to voice she wanted it. Liv just sensed it and did it. She had some kind of growing feelings. The tears started to come down "Liv I am a fuck-up. Plain and simple. I'm not a good mother and everything I do somehow some way turns out fucked up. Come on Jesse happened cause I had a weekend fling with a boss. What does that tell you?" Liv hugged her tighter, "Sweetheart, you are not a failure. Honey you are good mother. Know why? Easy answer. You love that little girl more than anything. Doesnt matter who her father is as you are her mother. You are her constant. You're who she sees in the morning when she wakes up and you are the one she sees at night when she goes to bed. You have come so damn far in these past few years and I couldnt be more proud of you." Amanda gave a half hearted smile. "Thanks Liv. I know that wasnt easy to say. It just hurts so much to do all of this alone. I want my daughter to grow up and just be proud of me. Thats what I want." Folding her hands together she looked down. "I also want a family, someone who loves me, I've never had that." After saying that she looked away. She couldnt face Liv. She was wanting the family that they seemed to have but at the same time she had those feelings that she wasnt allowed that.

Liv listened to her and her heart broke. This woman before her never had a constant in her life. Well not a positive constant. She had the negative. She had abandonment that lead to the gambling. Which at the time made Liv disgusted with her. She had felt that this woman was just playing. Until she learned of the events that had made Amanda turn to that vice. Liv had questioned her being a parent especially when she got Noah through adoption. "Amanda we both are newer mothers, we both question things. What we can do is continue to be here for one another give support. Plus our kids are great friends and I happen to enjoy spending time with you too." Without thinking Amanda reached up and claimed Liv's lips with her own. Liv's lips granting her access to her mouth and tongues explored. What were these feelings? This kiss was different from any other. Pretty sure they would find out eventually but for now they were content with the kiss and the cuddling.