26. SHAME

The last time Sayu saw Touta Matsuda was at her brother's funeral.

She vividly remembers how he had his head down during the entire service, as if he had lost a sibling. Or perhaps he was ashamed of himself. As a member of law enforcement, he had failed to protect someone he cherished as both a companion in arms and as a friend. And the brief moment their eyes met, she couldn't find any sign of light in his. It was like seeing the eyes of a dead man—soulless and drained—reminiscent of a deserted wasteland. She wanted to say something back to him then, something more than just the formal "Thank you for your condolences." Something that placed their differing levels of grief on the same wavelength. To understand each other's pain. To know exactly what each other felt at that moment when they both said goodbye to Light Yagami: brother, friend, and a good person.

Sayu contemplates what to say as she follows her GPS to the apartment complex. At least Matsuda was wise enough to expect to lose his wallet, and, in doing so, wrote his contact information down. Sayu had called the number this morning but received no reply. She did some investigation and discovered where the apartment complex was, so she called the lobby to ask for Matsuda's apartment number. In the process, she had sent several texts to him, hoping that somehow he still had her number locked away inside his phone. Dubious, since she had to buy a new phone about a year ago and lost or deleted most of her contacts, including a heartfelt voicemail left by her father. Now his voice exists in her mind and the memories left behind in home videos of when she and her brother were little.

Sayu knocks twice on Apartment 21. She waits for a little over a minute before trying again, firmer with her fist this time. Still nothing. It's a Sunday, so she would assume he wouldn't be working. But just in case, she checks her phone to see if he has answered any of her texts.

Only one text, and it's not from Matsuda.

1/27 – 11:44 AM: Nami: Your man's on his way.

Sayu scoffs at Nami's teasing message. When she had told her friend last night about the forgotten wallet, Nami's expression shifted from that of slightly uninterested to, "Oh, so you have a man now?"

"No," she said sharply, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks. She turned away before Nami could take notice. It wasn't the first time her friend accused her of having a crush on a man. "He's someone who used to know my father."

"How so?"

"They worked together."

Nami nodded and released a soft, understanding hum. "Did't you say you brother worked with your father as well?"

"Yeah," Sayu replied. "He was even set to take over his position when he died." Though the truth of those words never felt sure to her, especially since their father had always been against Light joining law enforcement.

Their father considered it a cruel field. One he was looking forward to retiring from early within the next few years. Nevertheless, Light pursued a career in justice and law, and their father couldn't argue forever against his son's unwavering determination. Meanwhile, Sayu was on her father's side. She decided to pursue something safe but also lucrative. She decided to pursue something in the healthcare field. She was neither the genius that her brother was nor the competent soldier that her father was, so she took an interest in a career that would guarantee her both a job and her sanity. However, her interest in such a career faltered quite early on when she got kidnapped by the mafia. It ultimately crumbled following the deaths of her father and brother. Now, she can't fathom ever having been interesting in pursing such a path. After all, she couldn't save her mother from her own demise despite the obvious signs.

Sayu leans against the second floor railing, releasing a cloud of transparent breath into the cool January air and watching it dissolve into nothing. She feels her hands grow numb. She had neglected to take gloves with her this morning when she decided to return Matsuda's wallet to him at his apartment. She hikes her coat zipper up to her chin and shoves her hands into her pockets respectively. The bitter January wind still bites at her ears and nose. But strangely the chill helps her think about how she's gotten to where she is now.

Sayu had once been the youngest child and only daughter of Soichirou and Sachiko Yagami, and younger sister of Light Yagami, who was, at one point in time, the top student in all of Japan. A model student, the epitome of all that a father and mother could ask for. But, while Light had every equipment he needed to be the perfect son, Sayu always noticed a lingering distress in her brother's eyes. Even when he was accepted into the same field as their father, a field he had strived to become a part of since she could remember, there was still this emptiness inside him she couldn't quite comprehend. There were many times she had wished to ask her brother if he felt any opposition toward law enforcement or the judicial system in general. However, whenever given the opportunity to reach out to him, she always recoiled her hand. Somehow, she felt a wall between Light and herself—a barrier he had erected long ago, before she even knew it was there. And no matter how often she thought about breaking it down, Sayu knew she could never even form a niche in that wall.

Sayu hears a flurry of footfalls upon the nearby staircase. She turns her head just as a figure comes up. The man leans against the apartment wall, out of breath and flushed in the face. When he lifts his head and wipes sweat away from his forehead, their eyes meet, this time with renowned familiarity and warmth.

"Hello, Matsuda-san," she says with a smile. Her heart skips upon saying his name for the first time since seeing him at Light's funeral service.

Matsuda cautiously approaches, glancing over her shoulder, as if he's on the lookout for backup.

"Hi," he breathes. "I hope you weren't waiting long."

Sayu shakes her head, still holding the smile. "How are you?" she asks because that's the most obvious question to ask, though Sayu dislikes using the obvious to start a conversation.

Matsuda eventually settles his breathing to a normal speed. "I'm well. Sorry I didn't reply to your texts until now. I was at work."

Sayu waves it off. "Oh, no. It's fine. Don't worry."

Closeup, she notices the stubble on his face that he had once kept tame. Perhaps recently he had decided upkeep was no longer a necessity. That, or he's neglected himself in favor of his work. Kind of like how her father would get some times. The life of a law enforcer is strenuous and tiresome. Dark rings encompass the skin beneath his eyes, and she can smell the faint odor of alcohol on his clothes and breath.

Matsuda clears his throat. "So, umm, you have my wallet?"

She had almost forgotten why she had come here. "Oh, right." Sayu rifles through her purse to find the wallet and hands it to him.

"Thank you," he says, accepting it. He doesn't bother to check inside. Perhaps he trusts her enough as Light's sister not to assume she'd steal anything of his. Not that she had taken any of his money or IDs anyway.

During the exchange, their fingers touch for the briefest moment. His skin's warm, unlike hers.

"You're freezing," Matsuda says, having noticed. "Do you want to come inside for a bit?" He shoves a hand into his coat pocket and pulls out a chain of keys.

"Oh, no. It's fine. I don't want to bother you more than I have."

"No, it's the least I can do for you coming all this way to bring this to me. Besides, we haven't seen each other since…"

"…since Light's funeral," she finishes.

"Right." Matsuda stares at his keychain before snapping out of his trance and starting work on the doorknob. It unlocks with a click, and he opens it. Then he turns back to her and gestures with a hand. "Ladies first."

Sayu thanks him as she enters.

"P-please ignore any mess," he stutters. "I haven't really cleaned it…I mean, I've been busy with work."

"It's fine."

Truly, the room isn't as messy as he makes it seem. The only evidence of a mess is the overflowing garbage bag that rests in the kitchen area and some dirty plates in the sink. Nothing to the extent that she's been known to leave her apartment in. Sometimes Sayu's so exhausted from work, she easy forgets simple hygienic necessities like cleaning her apartment.

He guides her to the couch, where she takes a seat.

"Would you like anything? Coffee? Tea?" Matsuda asks, shrugging off his coat and heading toward the kitchen area.

"Coffee would be nice. Light with milk, please."

"You got it."

The apartment smells oddly familiar—a musky odor that's neither rich nor obscene. It's the smell her father carried with him every time he came home from work. Sayu is brought back to her old home in the suburbs—the house she grew up in. The house she spent nearly her entire life in. The house she found her mother dead inside. The house she had to leave behind because the memories it held no longer brought her comfort, only pain. She hated the thought of leaving behind what her parents had built for her and her brother, but it was all she could do to try and quell the horrible nightmares she'd wake up to, not to mention the mortgage became out of hand for a young, unmarried woman to handle. Not even her family's life insurance could protect her from the inevitable.

The musky smell in the air soon becomes overpowered by the fresh presence of coffee. Sayu can't recall the last time she's looked forward to a warm cup. She can't even remember the last time she's looked forward to anything.

A few minutes later, Matsuda returns to the living room area, offering her a cup. "Here you go. Hope it's up to par. I'm no barista."

"Thank you," she says, accepting it. "I'm sure it's great." She blows on the steam and takes a sip. Her nose wrinkles, but not from the taste, rather from the heat. "D-do you have water?"

Matsuda quickly pours her a glass and returns with the water. Sayu manages to cool her mouth and throat before the heat becomes unbearable.

"Sorry, I guess it was worse than I thought."

She waits until her throat has healed. "N-no, it was just hot. It tastes fine. Anyway, I'm sorry to have texted you at such a bad time. I didn't realize you were working."

Matsuda puts both of his hands up. "No. It's nothing. Thank you for bringing my wallet all this way. You couldn't left it at the clu—" He pauses. "I mean, your work. I checked there first."

Sayu dips her head. "I should've specified I was coming over, but I wasn't entirely sure you'd be okay with that. I'm sorry, too."

Matsuda chuckles nervously. "Well, that solves the case of the missing wallet!"

During the majority of their conversation inside his apartment, he's maintained eye contact on the ground or somewhere equally as level. Anything but her eyes. Someone else might have suspected him to be shy, but Sayu understands the real truth. The flush across his face gives him away.

"It's okay," she says, taking a far more cautious sip of her coffee. It's still too hot to drink alone so she reaches for the water. "I stopped being embarrassed about my line of work a while ago."

"I didn't mean it—" But she raises a hand to stop him.

"It's fine, really. The only people I'd be afraid to tell are all dead now. I know seeing the former chief of police's daughter in that sort of world is disheartening, but we're all trying to survive nowadays."

He nods understandingly. "True." After a sip of his coffee, he says, "Wait, what about your mom?"

"She died last year."

Matsuda's eyes widen, as expected. "Oh. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay." She waits for him to ask her how her mother died, but he doesn't. "How have you been? Are you still working with the same people in Dad's group?" Sayu can't remember all of them by name, but she can see their faces.

"Yeah, kind of."

Another awkward pause follows.

"Matsuda-san?"

He's busy drinking his coffee. "Hmm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"You said you were a part of the group that brought down Kira. Did he kill my father and brother?"

His expression hardens, and, at first, she expects him to answer her with something vague or even turn the question around on her. He inhales deeply and looks down at the cup in his hands, as if for reassurance. "Yes and no," he admits.

Sayu's shoulders tense, and her grip tightens around the warm coffee cup. "Who killed Light?"

He hesitates.

"Matsuda-san?"

"I—"

Something buzzes.

Matsuda reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He checks the caller ID. "S-sorry. I have to take this!" He stands and hurries into the kitchen area to answer it. "Hello?"

Sayu can hear the conversation from the couch. Matsuda must have been so flustered that he neglected to turn the speaker on his phone off.

"Matsuda, where the hell are you?" A booming voice demands. "Yamamoto just told me you left."

"I-I had to fix something at home. I'll be right back there. Sorry, chief!"

Chief, she thinks and sees her father's face.

"Get back here now. I have the SPK on the line," the caller snaps.

"Yes, sir!" Matsuda lowers the phone and ends the call.

Sayu narrows her eyes at that last exchange but changes her expression before she can give herself away. "I guess that's my cue," she says as he reenters the living room area.

"I'm sorry," Matsuda says. "I have to get back to work. It's important."

She shakes her head and stands up. "No, I understand completely. Thank you for stepping out to meet with me."

"Of course."

She heads toward the door. "Oh, do you mind if I keep your number in my phone?"

"No, that's fine!" Matsuda smiles.

Sayu mirrors his expression. "See you later, Matsuda-san." The she opens the door to the chilly January breeze.

Back home, the first thing Sayu does is plop herself down on her bed and take out her laptop. She types "SPK" into the search bar. The result shows nothing remotely interesting, minus a K-pop girl group by the name of SKP. She sighs and considers Matsuda's words. Kira was behind her father's death. She had long since assumed that. But who would go after her brother? Could it have been the mafia?

Her heart stutters.

Just imagining the mafia's involvement remains a trigger. It's been over three years since her kidnapping, and yet she still wakes up in the middle of the night to the same horrible faces of those who took her—particularly that blonde-haired man. Mello. Her heart thumps again, and her breath shortens for a moment.

Mello. Could he have killed Light somehow?

No. He couldn't have done it directly, at least. Mello died two days before Light had. She saw the huge fire on the news that day.

Tomorrow will mark three years since she lost her beloved brother. Sayu still remembers the times she'd knock on his door and ask him to help her with her math homework. He'd always have time for her.

Sayu leaves her laptop and heads for the kitchen to fix herself something. Inside the fridge, she finds nothing that will sate her for long.

"Time to go shopping," she says and collects her coat.

As she walks along the Tokyo backstreets toward the main road, Sayu smiles as she remembers Light. She thinks about the kind of person her brother was and could have been. Despite the ounce of despair she sensed in him, he had been born with the genetic jackpot—beauty and brains. The latter of which she knew she could never escape the shadow of. He could have been brilliant. He could have done something nobody else could have. He could've changed the world.

Her throat tightens, and tears begin to well in her eyes.

Sayu slides a hand down her face and sighs. This is the first time she's been emotional in awhile. She thought she had cried herself out following her father and brother's funerals. Not even her mother's death induced as many tears as she had anticipated. She feared she had grown heartless.

Sayu takes another long breath and closes her eyes.

If only she had done something.

If only she could step into her brother's place.

If only—

Thud.

Sayu reopens her eyes and glances around for whatever had caused the sound. Snow, perhaps? Finally, her gaze lowers to something dark lying on the sidewalk a few yards in front of her. She approaches what at first looks like nothing more than an old notebook. But then, for some odd reason, she's convinced to pick it up.

Sayu glances up at the residential building closest to her. Did someone drop it? The building doesn't have any open windows or balconies where it could've blown out or fallen off by accident.

Her attention returns to the notebook and the two words written on its cover: Death Note.

She blinks and opens to the first page where a list of rules catches her eye. The first rule sends a chill up her spine as she reads it out loud.

"The human whose name is written in this note shall die?"

22 DAYS REMAINING